02x09 - Psychotic Not-Line

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up, will Q get a grip?

The car parked on the slope.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

(male narrator)

what happens when

Murr goes toe-to-toe?

Let me trim these for you

real quick.

How is this happening

right now?

Uh..

(male narrator)

When Sal's frozen in fear..

I'm-I'm actually

hyperventilating right now.

(male narrator)

...the guys light

a fire under him.

(Murr)

'You're gonna k*ll somebody!'

(male narrator)

And tonight's big loser

is center stage

for the ultimate humiliation.

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

Nothing weird about shakin'

hands, right, Joe?

Well, today there is.

We're at a lot-less

closeouts store

and today we've gotta

go up to people and find a way

to shake their hand

for as long as possible.

Whoever shakes for the shortest

amount of time loses.

- Alright, Joe.

- They get it?

- Yeah, they got it.

- They got it, buddy.

They got it.

I've got a foolproof idea.

- Oh, God.

- I've heard this once before.

You watch and take notes,

gentlemen.

- I can't take him anymore.

- I hundred percent agree.

(Joe)

'Try your big plan on this guy

behind you.'

Aah! Aah! [bleep]

Could you give me a hand

for a second?

My muscle's cramping.

Can you just pull my arm

if you can?

Aah.

Rip his [bleep]

chicken wing off!

[laughs]

That's not a handshake.

Shake more than pull.

Yeah. That's it.

Ahh. It's..

Okay. It's still the shake

is the..

The shake is more what I need.

It's not the pull.

This guy is not givin' up

either.

Murray just impressed me.

Aah! Okay.

Okay, well, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

That loosened it up so much.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Alright, Murr, ain't bad.'

(Murr)

'Alright, Joe.

You gotta b*at seconds.'

I think you got to do

"Less is more" with this.

You're saying this calls

for a "Less is more" approach.

Yeah, everybody lays it

on pretty thick.

I'm just gonna be a straight

sh**t with these people.

You'll straight-sh**t.

You're gonna go up to someone

and be like

"I need to shake your hand

for as long as possible."

Not that straight.

[laughter]

My friend. Put it there.

[laughter]

It's almost there, man.

[laughter]

- 'Let go, dude!'

- No. No. You're good. Good.

(Sal)

'Come on, man. This guy

doesn't have time for this.'

You know, this one's

getting tired.

Can I borrow that one

real quick?

- Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

- Oh!

- 'Seamless transition.'

- You're uh..

Oh, I gotta, I had

something to tell you.

(Q)

'Look at her face.

She's, like, stunned.'

Oh, no. You guys got

shoppin' to do.

Yeah, we're alright.

[laughter]

This is the big firework ending.

- 'Oh!'

- There you go. You see that?

Boom, you go.

You're hype, man.

[laughter]

Alright, wiseass.

- Alright, alright.

- Alright, alright.

- Appreciate you bud.

- 'Yeah. Yeah.'

It's hot.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Alright, Sal. You got to b*at

Murr's seconds.'

- Vertruce, right?

- Nah.

(Joe)

'Hmm, the old

mistaken-identity approach.'

'Okay. Let's see.'

From rd street.

- Nah. Nah.

- Are you sure?

- But he got the handshake.

- I went to, um..

...technical school with him.

- What technical school?

- Yeah.

I, uh, I always-I always

see him down

you know, when I come back.

(Murr)

'Oh, he's got him!'

I was nervous whether I should

say that's Vertruce or not.

So I was like, you know what

"I'm just gonna take the risk."

He has no idea

this is goin' on.

Because it looks like

Vertruce with glasses.

- 'Oh!'

- Yeah, I know..

I was gonna, I was like,

"You know what?

- I'm not gonna let it go."

- 'He still got the handshake!'

I was like, you live here now?

Yeah, I live in New York City.

- 'He's still got him!'

- 'He still has his hand!'

In the Bronx ? Yeah.

Alright. Thanks.

It's great to see you.

Listen, man.

[laughs]

Yeah! Alright!

(Murr)

'Wow!'

[laughter]

No, no, because-because

I was like

I didn't know if I should say

hello or not to you.

- You know what I'm saying?

- Amazing, man!

Uh, you know what

'cause I was like, you know

I was like "I can't believe

if that was him or not." So..

Hey, every time he tries

to walk away

he brings him back in

with a new conversation.

Yeah, it gets-it gets

really busy.

Really busy. Really busy.

Alright, listen,

I want you to enjoy your time

and everything, alright?

Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

- Good luck.

Thank you.

[laughter]

- Thank you, brother.

- Wow!

- That's gonna be tough to b*at.

- Well done.

(Joe)

'Does your hand hurt, bud?'

'Wow! : .'

- What's your angle here, Q?

- Does Q ever have an angle?

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Q, how about that guy

right there in the hat?'

Psst. The, uh..

(Joe)

'He backed up!'

The fat man flies at midnight.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

- The fat man flies at midnight.

- What does that mean?

The-the-the man at midnight

is-is flies with the-with the-

with the eagle the-the thing.

What are you talking about?

The-the-the train goes backwards

through the tunnel.

What does that mean?

(Joe)

'The object is to get a

handshake, not confuse the guy.'

A tortoise is right twice

a day. Shake on it, partner.

- Huh? What does that mean?

- Yes.

I don't get it.

What does that mean?

Huh? What does that mean?

Huh? What does that mean?

I don't understand.

What the hell is going on?

The woman-the woman in red

has the-has the car parked

on the slope.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

The hand shakes now,

the world is saved.

What does that mean?

I don't-I don't get it.

What are you talking about?

[laughter]

What are you talking about?

(Murr)

'What the hell just happened?'

I know I didn't win,

but I did rock his world.

[laughter]

[dinging]

(male narrator)

Q's all shaken up

and ends up on the loser board.

I still judge men

on their handshakes.

Oh, I hate gettin'

a dead-fish handshake

but I love givin' one.

- Oh, yeah.

- That's just the best.

Shake my hand. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Huh? That's, what is that?

[laughter]

I grip the whole thing?

You force that person

to accept it!

[laughter]

[dramatic music]

From this point forward

our fates shall be determined

by the..

(all)

...wheel of doom!

We shall all step forth

to take a spin of the..

(all)

...wheel of doom!

To not lose, you must do

whatever is decreed by the..

- ...wheel of doom!

- The..

(all)

...wheel of doom!

[laughter]

[dramatic music]

You're up, Sal.

Let's do it, my man.

- Here we go.

- Wheel of doom, baby.

- Wheel of doom.

- Wheel of doom.

(Sal)

'It's a very insidious wheel'

'that we've created

for ourselves.'

(Joe)

'Yes, it is.'

(Q)

'What I like is

that there's "Get $ '

'from each joker"'

'or an "a*t*matic win."'

There's two parts there

that could work out well

for you.

I want an a*t*matic win.

That's what I'm going for

right here.

'Going for the a*t*matic win.'

(all)

'Spin! That! Wheel!'

Spin! That! Wheel!

Spin! That! Wheel!

Oh, my God.

Come around! Come around!

Go!

Yeah!

[laughter]

Yeah!

"Kiss a stranger's abs!"

[laughs]

I feel like, I feel like

the only way to do it

is to just be

honest with somebody.

[laughter]

Talk to someone human to human

explain my predicament.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Can I ask you a Question?

Could I kiss your abs?

[laughter]

Can I ask you a Question?

Can I-can I..

It-it will only take

two seconds.

Can I kiss your abs?

[laughter]

Can I ask you a Question?

Could I..

[laughter]

This is gonna sound weird

but it's totally normal.

Could I...kiss your abs?

Fair enough. Thank you.

[laughter]

This is off the rails, bro.

Get ahold of yourself.

(Joe)

'So this is what he's doing?

He's just'

'spinnin' around, asking people

"Can I kiss your abs?"'

Where's the strategy here?

Where's the plan?

My strategy is to be straight

up with somebody.

The non-approach

is an approach.

- Right.

- How you doing?

How's everything?

Can I kiss your abs?

Can I kiss your abs?

Real quick. One second.

Abs, abdominals.

Can I kiss your abs?

For one second,

can I kiss your abs?

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Oh, my God!'

He's actually gonna

let Sal kiss his abs.

I can't believe this.

I'm gonna lift it up.

(Murr)

'What the hell is going.. ?'

And now I'm gonna give you

one quick kiss, alright?

And then I'm gonna

commit su1c1de.

[laughter]

Oh, my God. Am I doing this?

(Murr)

Do it or lose, Sal.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

- I'm gonna lift it up.

- 'What the hell is going.. ?'

And now I'm gonna give you

one quick kiss, alright?

And then I'm gonna

commit su1c1de.

[laughter]

Oh, my God. Am I doing this?

(Murr)

Do it or lose, Sal.

Oh!

[laughter]

That ends the story

of you and I.

[dinging]

- Alright, Q. Here you go.

- Alright, man.

Spin the wheel of doom.

'Give it a good spin, Q.'

Whoo!

[laughter]

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

- Come on! Come on!

- Wait.

How can you spin and get

something amazing?

I just spun and won. Come on.

(Joe)

'This is the stupidest idea

we've ever had!'

- Whoo!

- Whose turn is it now?

If I can win $ , I'm in.

[laughs]

Go ahead, buddy. Get in there.

Give it a spin.

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

Make money, money!

Make money, money!

- I'm down $ now.

- Terrible!

This is ridiculous! What?

[laughing]

This is ridiculous.

- Who's up?

- Who's next?

- Alright. I'm going.

- Get in there.

Oh, my God. I swear to God.

I swear to God!

If you get $ , I'm out!

[laughs]

Give it a good spin.

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

Wheel..

(all)

...of doom!

Look at how close I was.

"Get three toenail clippings

from strangers."

This is impossible.

It is, but if you believe

in yourself

all things are possible.

How am I supposed to talk

somebody out of their shoes

and socks and then

clip their toenails?

I bet right now my money back

'that he doesn't clip

anyone's nails.'

Well, I-I don't think

he's gonna do it either.

- Why would I make that bet?

- Make it interesting for me.

Give me a chance

to win my money back.

- No.

- So let's flip it, then.

I'll bet that he doesn't get it

and you bet that he does.

Fine.

(Joe)

'Get the guy

in the purple hoodie.'

I got, uh, I got

my final exam today.

I'm going to, like,

a-a cosmetology school.

(Joe)

'This is his in. He's going

for cosmetology school.'

(Q)

'Oh, you know what?'

It's displaying

a certain amount of cunning.

- Yes.

- I got the cuticles down.

It's the clipping

that's really hard.

'Cause if you don't shape it

the right way

Oh, there it is.

Door's creepin' open.

(Murr)

'It's not bad.'

I got you covered.

I got you covered, my friend.

I'm going to give you something

for free right now.

Alright.

I am going to clip

your toenails.

Yes.

It's about to happen.

He's about to clip his nails.

- I'm gonna win my money back!

- Just one. Let me see it.

(Sal)

'This is the first time I find

myself cheering for Murray!'

'I'm cheering for Murray!'

(Joe)

'How is this happening

right now?'

[laughs]

Uh..

I can't believe this!

Let me trim these

for you real quick.

Okay. Here's one.

[laughter]

- 'Yeah!'

- Okay. Here's two.

I can't believe it,

James S. Murray

I love you for the first day

in my life.

Give me my [bleep]

$ back right now.

This is turning into a roller

coaster of a day, my friends.

And that's three toenail

clippings.

There he is. Victorious.

I can't believe he did it.

Oh, my God!

[laughs]

Oh!

[laughter]

(male narrator)

The jokers all spun

past a loss.

[instrumental music]

We're at Arirang Hibachi

Steakhouse, cookin' hibachi.

We don't know

how to cook hibachi!

We've gotta do our best

to cook the meal

despite what the other guys

are telling us to do.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Sharpen your ginsus, fellas.

This is a Joker vs.

Joker challenge!

'And it's double or nothing.

It all comes down to this.'

- Mm.

- Mm.

[dramatic music]

[laughs]

You are impossible to take

seriously in that outfit.

'You sure look so stupid!'

I'm-I'm actually

hyperventilating right now.

What are you so afraid of?

You just gotta get in there

and cook.

I make cereal and sandwiches

exclusively.

[laughter]

- 'And there he is.'

- 'There it is!'

(Joe)

'He can't even push the cart.'

- How's everyone doing?

- Good. Thank you.

Good. Hi. Hi. How are you?

We're gonna start

with every meal..

We start every meal..

- ...with a traditional..

- ...with a traditional..

...Japanese hibachi song.

[laughter]

...Japanese hibachi song.

[laughter]

Go ahead, buddy. Sing the song.

[gibberish]

[laughter]

[gibberish]

[laughter]

(Murr)

'"Bah-de-bah-boo-bah-bah."'

- Ladies and gentlemen..

- Ladies and gentlemen..

...I will now do something

amazing!

...you will now see something

amazing.

Now do something amazing, Sal!

[laughter]

[dramatic music]

I-I-I..

Ladies and gentlemen...

butterfly.

[laughter]

Um, Sal, hey, uh, hey,

your last name's Vulcano.

'Is that right?'

Let's make the patented

vulcano volcano.

Who wants to see, uh..

...a volcano?

[laughter]

Everybody?

Have you guys seen it?

- You know it, right?

- 'The vulcano volcano.'

Prepare for something amazing!

(Q)

'She's backin' up.

She's gettin' out.'

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Um, Sal, hey, uh, hey, your last

name's Vulcano. Is that right?

Let's make the patented

vulcano volcano.

Who wants to see, uh..

...a volcano?

[laughter]

Everybody?

Have you guys seen it?

- You it know, right?

- 'The vulcano volcano.'

Prepare for something amazing!

(Q)

'She's backin' up.

She's getting out.'

[fire sizzling]

[laughter]

- 'You're gonna k*ll somebody!'

- 'Put the water out.'

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Oh, my God!'

'You're gonna lose them, Sal.

Get them to stay.'

Please don't go. You're gonna

miss something very amazing.

(Joe)

'They leave, you lose.'

Please stay.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Alright, Q.

This one's yours to lose.'

Hey, what's up?

You look like a hibachi

monster.

Banzai, huh?

[laughter]

Alright, Q, you-you gotta get

something from downstairs.

What are you talkin' about?

There's no stairs.

The steps are right

in front of you.

I got more chicken downstairs.

Q, go get the chicken

downstairs.

- There's no more chicken.

- Go downstairs!

Go downstairs

and get the chicken.

Let me just-let me just

go get you a little

something from downstairs.

(Murr)

'Alright, Q. Walk down.'

[laughter]

(Joe)

'His chef hat!'

[laughs]

Guys, I look like an idiot

down here.

Ow!

(Murr)

'He b*rned himself!'

[laughter]

I b*rned myself.

(Joe)

'Now-now, just keep lookin'

at different pieces of meat

and under your breath say

"Now, is this one cooked?"

[instrumental music]

Ask yourself,

"Is this one cooked?"

Al-alright, alright, alright.

Is this one cooked?

Hmm. Is this one cooked?

- Is this one cooked?

- They're cooked enough.

- Cooked enough.

- Cooked enough.

[laughter]

We gotta get you guys

out of here

so we're just gonna

cook it enough.

[laughter]

(male narrator)

Sal couldn't take the heat

making him tonight's

big loser.

Sal, you should have

seen this punishment comin'

because tonight,

you're playing a psychic.

Ooh!

We have an entire theater

full of people

waitin' for you to come in there

and read their minds.

But don't worry,

we're gonna be helpin' you

by giving you all the terrible

predictions in your ear.

(Murr)

'And you can't get off stage'

'until you guess

something right.'

I'm foreseeing a lot of pain

in your future.

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

I'm standing

right behind the curtain

and I hear the murmur

of tons of people

'that want to know

about their lives.'

Don't worry, man,

we're gonna help you

through the whole thing.

I am so nervous.

What Sal doesn't know is that

the spirits are gonna be

silent today.

All he's gonna hear

is elevator music.

(Joe)

'He'll be all alone out there.'

[audience applause]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I am so nervous.

What Sal doesn't know is that

the spirits are gonna

be silent today.

All he's gonna hear

is elevator music.

(Joe)

'And he can't get off

stage until'

'he gets a prediction right.'

[audience applause]

(Sal)

'How is everyone doing?'

So, let's get started.

We're sorry. The spirits

are not available right now.

[music on phone]

[laughter]

Uh..

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Sal, everybody is looking

at you. Start talking.'

[laughter]

[laughing]

He's got nothing to say.

It doesn't just jump right out

but I am getting some

very, very

strong spiritual senses.

- You had a goldfish?

- No.

[clears throat]

[laughter]

I'm seeing someone here has lost

a personal item recently

'a piece of jewelry.'

Has anyone lost a ring?

'Has anyone lost a ring?'

- 'He's dying up there.'

- 'You're strikin' out.'

(Joe)

'You're gonna be up there all

night.'

You have walked in

on your parents

making love by candlelight.

Your parents are still with you?

Your mom is Pat.

Your dad is, uh, Dana?

Your dad is Pat

and your mom is Dana?

Your, b-both your parents

are Pat?

Both your parents are Dana?

Does "Pat" or "Dana"

mean anything to you?

- 'Why is he being so specific?'

- 'I guess it's an approach.'

You wanna be really specific

so you come across confident

but then you just

totally swing and a miss.

(Murr)

'It's a dumb approach.'

You have a secret handshake

with your bff.

No? Are you sure?

[laughter]

You lost a button on your

favorite sweater?

Everybody loses a button.

[laughter]

You sneezed in church.

Have you sneezed?

You haven't sneezed?

(Joe)

'This thing's off the rails.'

He's lost control.

(Joe)

'Sal, try to get a volunteer.'

'Maybe you'll do better

one-on-one.'

Would anyone like to come up?

Would anyone like to just

volunteer for a minute?

(Joe)

This is not gonna work.

Of course it's not gonna

work.

I got one spirit right now

who's just

he's a real d*ck, he's just..

[laughter]

Uh, how do I do this?

[laughter]

Your favorite color is..

...red.

Pink.

[laughter]

You recently got

a parking ticket.

Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

[laughter]

You have..

[dramatic music]

...one child out of wedlock.

[laughter]

He got it right!

Knew it.

One thing right in a half-hour.

[audience applause]

This went exactly how

I imagined it would.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'That was the worst

psychic reading.'

[laughter]