02x10 - The Truth Hurts

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x10 - The Truth Hurts

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up..

We're finally gonna get

Joe Gatto!

(male narrator)

What will Joe find

behind door number one?

(female # )

'Joey!'

(male narrator)

Sal reveals what he does

when he's hungry.

You're all hopped up on sugar

you make a pass

at your best friend

then you end up, like,

shaving each other.

What?

(male narrator)

Murr has a touching encounter.

You're doing too much

of that touching [bleep].

(male narrator)

And later..

(male # )

'The polygraph exam

is gonna begin.'

Did you have a crush

on one your

high-school Spanish teachers?

(male narrator)

The guys crown their Homecoming

king of the losers..

[crowd chants]

Loser!

...in our most-outrageous

punishment ever.

That's a lie.

[laughter]

Today we're interviewing

house-sitters

to watch our place

while we go on vacation.

But it won't be easy,

because we've hidden

a lot of strange surprises

for each other.

No matter how odd the apartment

we'll have to do

our best to explain ourselves

out of the weirdness.

If you can't get someone to

agree to house-sit, you lose.

Come on in. Let me show you

around the place.

Make yourself comfortable.

Uh, so, kitchen..

Uh, living room. You can

feel free to use the TVs.

I have cable TV on the,

on the TVs, so..

- 'Quit stalling, Murr.'

- Uh, bedroom through here.

- Here comes the bedroom!

- And, uh..

[laughter]

This is, this is my bedroom.

It's the fairy tale kingdom.

This is my fairy tale kingdom.

- I'm the princess.

- Um, I'm the princess here.

On my bed, I've got

some stuffed animals.

The best way to cuddle them

is to be

dressed like a princess

when you do it.

The best way to cuddle them

is to be dressed

like a princess when you do it.

So, let me show you

how that's done.

'Go grab that tutu.'

So, what I do is I..

Each day, I-I put this on.

(Q)

'Uh, yeah, slip that on.'

[laughter]

It doesn't sound too crazy.

I have a daughter.

- You have a daughter?

- I don't!

I don't.

I don't.

(Q)

'Murr, do a little leap

in place, then head outside.'

- Okay? Let's go chat, okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Take your jacket off.

Take your jacket off.

So, you, you want to be

my house-sitter?

Yeah, I don't think

it'd be a problem.

- It's a pleasure.

- 'Oh, my God!'

- This is gonna be great.

- He's just saying anything.

To get out of the apartment with

his skin still on.

[laughter]

(Sal)

'Who's gonna house-sit

for a guy that looks homeless?'

- This is my place.

- Oh, it's lovely.

This is what I-I need someone

to look after for me.

- Okay.

- Here's the kitchen.

- Let's check out the bedroom.

- Let me show you the bedroom.

[animals howling]

- Oh, these are..

- Your little pets?

(Murr)

'Go ahead, Q.

Show her your friends.'

(Q)

'You know, we got the fox.'

'Uh, those are a lot

of baby ducks right there.'

This is a baby duck dressed

like a-a Unabomber there.

[laughter]

Are you okay with petting

dead things?

Um...how do you feel

about petting dead things?

- Is that gonna be a problem?

- Do I have to?

Do you have to? I sure hope not.

- Yeah, she does.

- But of course, you do, yes.

At least once a day, I'm gonna

need you to pet my armadillo.

[laughter]

So, alright, let me just,

we'll just..

We'll just ask a

couple of questions.

It'll be great. Have a seat.

Don't touch the closet,

even if you hear scratching.

Oh, no, no, no. I mean,

I've got a huge closet.

If you hear scratching,

don't open it.

It's only because sometimes

I get mice in here.

(Murr)

'And I haven't taxidermied them

all yet.'

And I haven't taxidermied

them all yet.

[laughter]

Anyway, so, you wanna house-sit?

Anyway, uh, do you think you'd

wanna just house-sit for me?

- No. No, thank you.

- No?

[laughter]

Yes!

Let's see if you can convince

this guy to house-sit for you.

Just need someone

to watch the place.

I've done it a few times before.

I'm very particular about

how clean I am.

The only thing about me

is that I'm very clean.

Take some spray disinfectant

from the counter there.

'Start spraying it everywhere

like'

'the germaphobe

you are, buddy.'

The thing is that I grew up

with a bad immune system

so it's, like, a couple minor

precautionary measures

on my part.

(Q)

'Keep spraying, keep spraying,

never stop spraying.'

Keep spraying.

This one spot's k*lling me.

[laughter]

'Go pay the bedroom a visit.'

(Joe)

'I can't wait till Sal

sees this.'

The bathroom's here,

and then the..

[laughter]

- 'There's a baby!'

- 'There's a baby!'

That's a baby.

I keep the baby in this room.

Uh, baby is well-behaved.

It's a well-behaved baby.

Very low-maintenance.

Every couple of days,

I just give him

a little more milk.

[pants]

He's good. Let's go.

[laughter]

Have a seat.

I'm telling you,

he's low-maintenance.

Sal, go over and put

the mask and gloves on.

Give me one second.

Just wanna put this on.

You can never be too safe,

especially if we're

talking face to face here.

So, do you think that you might

be able to house-sit?

- Would you want to house-sit?

- 'No way. No way.'

Sure, I can take care

of a baby.

Yes? Yes!

Were you waiting long or..

Well, it's been a bit,

but that's okay.

- Sorry. Appreciate it.

- 'We are about to destroy him.'

He's never gonna

see this comin'.

- 'He can't deal with this.'

- The place has central air.

There's Wi-Fi, you know?

I got the Wi-Fi set up.

'Uh, cable, of course.'

Yeah, Joe, why don't you

turn on the TV

and show him

all the channels you have?

Got the..

That's my downstairs neighbor.

Um, so, uh..

Yeah, there's Wi-Fi,

I mentioned.

Um..

Well, I have surveillance all

throughout the house, you know?

But I have the whole house

secured

so you'll have eyes everywhere.

You know, it's all set, so..

This is the bedroom. Come on in.

We're finally gonna get

Joe Gatto!

So, this is..

(female # )

'Joey!'

This is the bedroom. Come on in.

We're finally gonna get

Joe Gatto!

So, this is..

(female # )

'Joey!'

[laughter]

Uh.. I'll, uh..

Uh, no, sh-sh-she..

[laughter]

Uh, this is not the gentleman

that will be joining us.

I mean, unless he's game, I

don't know if you're interested.

Thanks. So, uh, yeah.

[laughter]

Yeah.

I can't believe he's still

in there.

It's been a long time.

[stammers]

I just zone it out, so..

So, do you think you'd wanna be

my house-sitter or..

Yeah? Awesome. Okay.

Thanks, bud.

You have a great night.

[laughter]

What the [bleep]!

[laughter]

(male narrator)

Q is the only one who couldn't

land a house-sitter

so he's sitting alone

on the loser board.

You gotta help us! We're lost!

We'll be asking strangers

to give us

directions to a place

that doesn't exist.

The other guys will be

describing the details

of this place by holding up

cue cards.

If you can't get a stranger to

give you directions

to this made-up place,

you lose.

(male narrator)

It's a Joker versus Joker

challenge.

Excuse me. I'm a little lost.

Do you think you might be

able to help me out?

I'm looking for,

it's a restaurant.

It's like Taco Bell,

but a lot more "Chinesey."

I'm trying to find, uh..

That massage parlor that knows

how to keep a secret.

Have you heard of that one?

Excuse me, miss?

I'm looking for, um..

I know it's around here

somewhere.

[stammers]

It's like Home Depot.

But it's for pasta.

Pasta Home Depot?

Yeah, it's like that. It's..

It's..

It's near that bar with the

B.Y.O Shrimp.

With the bring-your-own shrimp.

[laughter]

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I got to get there

in a half-hour because, uh..

'Because, uh, my, uh..'

My genitalia is gonna

turn into a pumpkin.

[laughter]

- You better get there soon.

- Do you know where to go?

Oh! Right there?

Oh, the Home Depot..

Thank you, me and my pumpkin

genetalia, w-we-we thank you.

- 'Sal, we're ready, buddy.'

- Are you from this area?

- Yes.

- I'm looking for..

The place where..

I'm looking for the place

where Ed Koch

got a splotch on his crotch.

[laughter]

Okay, well, I know it's near.

I know it's near.

It's near Michael Dukakis'

bachelor pad.

You know what I'm talking about?

I got to get there

within a half-hour.

I, uh.. I gotta find Waldo.

[laughing]

Oh!

Yeah, I don't know

where he is.

If she's ever heard of it, yeah.

I cannot believe

this is happening.

We have made this happen.

Not that Waldo.

The one from "Where's Waldo?"

Oh, we're talking

about the same Waldo.

- No idea?

- No idea.

(Joe)

'No! She doesn't know.'

(male narrator)

Sal's lost when it comes

to getting directions

but he found his way

onto the loser board.

We are at the Compare Foods

in Brooklyn and we are

making up words.

The other guys will give us

a completely weird-sounding

made-up word that we

have to make sense of.

If you can't get the customer

to admit

they know what you're

talking about, you lose.

Oh, where did they put it?

Joe, "Dwimplepeen."

- 'Dwimplepeen?'

- 'Dwimplepeen.'

Are you making a-a hot dish?

Yeah, I remember that.

[stammers]

I had one of the hottest dishes

I ever had in my first

dwimplepeen.

You ever been in a dwimplepeen?

It's an event where, uh,

you know

when a-a young kid

turns years old

and they get older, everybody

throws confetti at 'em?

They all spin them in a circle

and they sing, uh,

the dwimplepeen song.

- How's that go?

- You know, it's like..

♪ Kingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪

♪ You made it to ♪

♪ Twingle kingle dwimplepeen ♪

♪ Hey now ♪♪

So, y-you ever attend

a dwimplepeen?

Did you ever go to one of those?

No. Yeah.

You've heard of it, though.

Yeah, yeah.

You've heard of a dwimplepeen..

(Joe)

'I hope you brought

your A Game, Sal.'

- You got one?

- You know you're in trouble.

Q's already giggling.

I got a whole bunch

of new cafafees.

I'm supposed to feed them..

You know cafafee?

- I don't--

- It's a pet fish..

But, like, they recognize

the alphabet.

I got a jampaloon coming up, and

I need some freeze-dried fruit.

- You know a-a jampaloon?

- No.

It's a, it's when you go

on a road-trip

with nothing but a puppet

but you force-feed him

real food.

- With a what?

- Goofdookie.

[laughter]

Get all up with the goofdookie.

Excuse me. Do you know if

there's a beer section in here?

Right on that side?

Okay, cool.

I just got to buy some

for my buddy.

[chuckles]

I totally goofdookied him

the other day

and I just feel like,

uh, buy him

a six-pack and smooth it over.

Cool. Cool.

You know, like, uh, you ever

goofdookie anybody?

I just feel bad about it.

Yeah. It's, like, on Halloween,

you have a lot of candy.

You get all hopped up on sugar

you make a pass

at your best friend

then you end up,

like, shaving each other.

[laughter]

Yeah, good times. Yeah.

It was, like, awkward.

I didn't want to talk about it,

so I figured I'll get him

a case of beer.

I'll smooth it over, right?

You ever goofdookie, uh,

anybody?

But you've heard of goofdookie?

Oh, yeah! He's heard of it.

"Now get away from me."

Take it easy, alright. Thanks.

Why are you eating?

Everything he does gets to me.

Just the way he chews and then

talks through the chew.

Oh, dude, don't even

get me started. I live with it.

- 'Murr.'

- Yeah?

- 'Hear that?'

- 'Listen to his gums.'

What?

So, it's short and sweet, baby.

Twolini.

- Hmm?

- 'Not Onelini.'

Twolini.

Do you know if these

are any good?

It's, like, pretty expensive.

Is it good for, uh, for

helping twolini?

'Cause I got a, I got a really

bad case of twolini right now.

Twolini, it's where..

It's where you go

to your grandfather's wake

you drink too much absinthe

and then you can't

stand up straight for a week

afterwards.

Oh, he doesn't know

about twolini.

You've never heard

of that before?

- Are you serious?

- 'He's never heard of twolini.'

Do you still, are your

grandparents still alive?

Oh, that explains it, then.

- Q, your word is Pergurt.

- Yeah.

- Pergurt!

- 'Pergurt.'

Yeah, that's right. Pergurt.

- P-E-R..

- Gurt.

(Murr)

'Here you go, this guy.'

Excuse me.

You think this would be good

to-to

serve at a-a, uh, pergurt?

Yeah? You think

it's-it's about right?

You know what a pergurt is?

Like when you sky dive with

a pocket of noodles

on the Sabbath and you land

and you celebrate?

[laughter]

(Sal)

'He's gone! Gone!'

I would just like to point out

that he did say

he knew what a pergurt is.

He pulled the rip cord

on that one.

[laughing]

He did his own pergurt.

Got the pergurt strut

going on here.

(male narrator)

Turns out Murr doesn't have

a way with words.

making it a three-way tie

for last.

Coming up, tonight's loser

is forced

to reveal his darkest secrets..

Have you ever been somewhat

intimate with a stuffed animal?

[laughter]

...in our most outrageous

punishment ever.

So far, we've had to do and say

whatever we're told.

That, my friends,

is all about change.

Today we get to pick

our own poison.

That's right, we've created

two completely different

and nearly impossible challenges

for each other to choose from.

If you don't complete the

challenge you choose, you lose!

(male narrator)

It's a Joker versus

Joker challenge.

Here you go. Two choices.

I've been waiting for this one.

Pick your poison, buddy.

"Pick someone's nose."

- A nose-themed one.

- Of course, a nose theme.

That's actually a favor.

For who?

"Talk a woman out of her bra."

There you go, buddy.

Get in there.

- We gave you the sexy one.

- That's impossible.

Picking someone's nose is gross.

Talking a woman out of her bra

is near impossible.

I'm gonna go gross

over a near-impossible.

- Oh!

- Alright.

How do you talk your finger

up inside someone's nose?

- It's-it's impossible.

- Here he goes.

Wow. It's gorgeous out, huh?

Inside right now,

he's on that bench knowing

the next thing he has to do..

Is put a finger

in a stranger's nose.

You're having lunch out in the

park? It's a good place to eat.

He's not gonna do it.

There's no way he's doing it.

Oh, you, uh, you got a little

something.

- Yeah, you..

- 'Oh, oh..'

- Yeah, yeah.

- 'Oh! Oh!'

- No, no, no.

- No, yeah, it's right..

- Ohh!

- It's right up there.

- I got you. I'll help out.

- I could see.

[laughter]

Oh, that's gross!

It's a feeling of success.

[all groan]

- Oh, yeah!

- Here we go, Murr.

Pick your poison!

"Give a huge guy a wet Willie."

- Easy. Easy.

- Yeah, easy.

Aah!

"Squeeze a guy's butt with both

hands for five seconds."

[laughter]

This doesn't say

a huge guy's butt.

I could go for a small guy.

You might get

a second date out of it.

We don't even know.

You might be able to wet Willie

a guy on just general

wet Willie rules.

Yeah. Like, wet Willie! Ha-ha!

Got ya!

I've made my choice,

I am going to

squeeze a man's butt

for five full seconds.

I don't even know how

to work my way into this.

There's nobody into getting

their ass grabbed

randomly in the park,

you're right about that, buddy.

Are those the.. These are the

Adidas pants that they sell?

- It's a whole sweat suit.

- Do you mind if I..

- Nah, go ahead.

- 'Murray's gonna get k*lled.'

Why is he letting him

do this to him?

The waistband is great.

They come around.

They fit real nice and concord

in the back, too.

- He's doing it right now.

- 'Here he goes!'

- Right here.

- 'He's got contact.'

'Two, three..'

Yeah, alright,

you're doing too much of that

touching [bleep]

they're nice pants.

They're great pants, man.

That is a thumbs..

(all)

Down!

(male narrator)

Murr bottomed out, making him

tonight's big loser.

Come on, guys. What is..

I'm not singing anything.

No, it's much, much worse

than singing, pal.

- Let's go, Murray.

- Here you go, bud.

- You got it.

- Just keep walking straight.

Sit right here.

How you feelin'?

We're just gonna hook you up

to this machine.

- Machine? What machine?

- Stay there.

We are at Monsignor Farrell

High School on Staten Island

where we all met, for

the ultimate punishment.

Yeah, we're gonna hook

Murray up to a lie detector

'in front of

the entire student body'

'faculty, staff, priests, nuns.'

We're all set. And there you go.

- You got that?

- Lie detector test.

- Oh, my God!

- No, don't worry.

We wrote the questions.

- No mercy. No mercy.

- Welcome to your polygraph.

Alright, so, the polygraph

exam is gonna begin.

- Is your name James Murray?

- Ye-yes.

That's the only one

he's gonna get right.

Do you wax your back?

[laughter]

(male # )

'Whoo!'

Alright, so, the polygraph exam

is gonna begin.

Do you wax your back?

[laughter]

- 'Answer it!'

- Yeah!

Yes.

[laughter]

- That's the truth.

- The truth shall set you free!

Did you ever lie to a priest

during a confession?

[laughter]

Yes, I.. Yes. Yes.

- 'Whoo!'

- You're a bad person.

That answer is true.

Do you secretly enjoy boy bands?

No.

That's a lie.

[laughter]

(Sal)

'Busted!'

Did you have a crush

on one of your

high-school Spanish teachers,

Mrs. Lanza?

[crowd cheers]

Oh, my God, there she is!

Si.

[laughter]

By the way, your ex-girlfriend

Tara is here. Say hello.

Oh, my God!

[laughter]

Answering truthfully, have you

ever cheated on Tara?

Oh!

[crowd cheers]

No, I have not.

[crowd cheers]

- That's a lie.

- I'm so sorry.

(Joe)

'No, you're not!'

Have you ever tried your

girlfriend's underwear on?

Yes, but there's a-a good

explanation for it.

That's the truth.

This is what we got on Murray.

This is the big one.

No one knows about this story

except us.

Have you ever been somewhat

intimate with a stuffed animal?

[crowd gasps]

I'm gonna k*ll you guys.

No.

That's a lie.

[laughter]

- 'Dirty dog.'

- Last question.

- Does it suck to be a loser?

- Yes, it does.

[crowd cheers]

That is how you punish someone!

Happy Homecoming.

It was good work.

[crowd chanting]

Loser! Loser! Loser!
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