02x17 - Human Piñata

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

How did this joker

end up as a human pinata?

Ohh-ho-ho!

Why is Joe acting

like such a pig?

Well, I ate three pounds of pork

while I was looking at you

earlier.

Plus, can the guys handle the

most expl*sive challenge yet?

Put it in the water.

Put it in the water!

[laughter]

It's a joker showdown,

Q versus Murr.

Today, we're gonna be

competing head-to-head

pitching our brand-new

inventions to focus groups.

The catch is, our inventions

have been created

by the other two guys.

The goal is to convince

the group that

your invention is the better

of the two.

At the end, we'll ask,

by show of hands

which invention they liked best.

Whoever gets the least amount

of hands loses.

- That'll be him.

- What?

That'll be you.

Here we go, Q.

You and me.

Oh, good luck, man.

Because I'm gonna crush you

like an ant.

Good luck, guys.

To the winner goes the spoils.

There's spoils?

Oh!

- Hello. How are you?

- Hey. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Come on in. Have a seat.

- Hello. Please, have a seat.

- Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you joining us.

- My name's James.

- Hello. I'm Brian.

What we do is,

we show you sample products.

We're the inventors

of the said products.

Let's get started.

Okay.

Gentlemen first.

Uh, okay. I have, uh..

That's right, waterproof bread.

Have you ever been

in the rain?

Have you ever been hungry?

You're welcome.

[laughs]

This product..

Uh, it's a pregnancy test.

Self-destructing

pregnancy tests.

[laughs]

This is a self-destructing

pregnancy test.

[laughs]

There's no way

Murray's winning it.

Tell-tell us about the

self-destructing pregnancy test.

Q's egging him on.

It-it destroys itself

whether the results are

positive or negative.

Ten seconds after you take the

pregnancy test, it does explode.

Remember, don't,

uh, piss on the wick.

[laughing]

What is the point?

The reason it explodes

is that pregnancy is a matter

between you and your partner.

And it's no one else's business.

So, it explodes

to destroy the evidence.

We have a demo video.

Apparently, I've got

a demo video to show you.

Let's take a look.

[instrumental music]

[expl*si*n]

[laughter]

And that's it.

You start with a bang,

and it ends with a bang.

Here are the two products

that are before you

something that can explode

genitalia

or something that you could eat

delightfully in the rain.

I'm so glad that

you asked this question.

There is a plant in Canada

called the Canadian ivy leaf

that is known

for its waterproof properties.

Water just..

Ther-there's no joke.

[laughs]

So, what we've done is

cook it into the bread

and the water just rolls off,

like off a duck's back.

Baby steps.

He could've just said yes!

Yes.

Have you ever had a sandwich

in a hot tub?

She's like, "alright."

You know what it was for me?

It's no one's business

except mine and my girlfriend's

and that's why I designed

this self-destructing

pregnancy test.

Go ahead, Murr, light it up.

[laughs]

There's a lighter. Light it up.

Wait. What? We're-we're

really gonna do this?

So, it's not self-destructing

if there's a fuse.

[laughs]

So, you've got approximately

ten seconds.

You pee on it very fast,

you wait..

You pee and it's lit!

'And at that point,

right around now'

the test results are coming up,

right around now.

I don't know if that--

At this point,

you celebrate briefly.

Put it in the water.

'And right before..'

...you throw it

before it explodes.

[laughs]

- Okay?

- You guys saw all that, right?

- You guys saw all that?

- Yeah.

Check out how this works.

[laughs]

This is a demo model, of course.

Does that look waterproof

to you?

- Alright?

- Well, let's take a vote.

- Let's take a vote real quick.

- Let's just take a vote.

You tell me how waterproof

this bread is.

That does not have

Canadian ivy leaf infusion.

By show of hands,

how many of you would bring

the self-destructing

pregnancy test to market?

- Raise 'em high!

- Two.

Should we bring

the waterproof bread to market

instead of the explosions

in your vag*na?

Please put your hands high.

- Oh!

- Oh, well..

- Three to two.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Well, hey..

- Well played, buddy.

- Well played.

- Q knows what he's doing.

(male narrator)

Q is the best thing

since sliced bread

putting Murr

on the loser board.

I wanna invent something.

I mean, the four of us

if we came up with something

I feel like no one would buy it.

Your best inventions

come out of necessity.

They see a need for something

that's not in the marketplace.

So, what do the four of us need?

My bedroom gets cold at night.

I need something

to keep me warm.

Oh, that's called a wife.

They made that already.

We're out and about

asking strangers

for hugs of forgiveness.

- What did we do wrong?

- We don't know.

The other guys will tell us

what we need to apologize for.

If you can't get a hug

of forgiveness, you lose.

- I'm sorry, man.

- For what?

- That.

- For him?

I'd never forgive you for that.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'Here he goes. He's in.'

He's got his phone out.

He's not doing anything.

'He's texting.'

- He's got the big finger.

- Pushing the buttons.

(Joe)

'It's not doing anything, man.'

'Get to it.'

- I got to apologize.

- I'm sorry?

- I got to apologize.

- For what? I'm sorry.

I introduce myself

as your husband quite often.

[laughter]

I introduce myself

as your husband quite often.

- Okay. Can you explain?

- Can I explain? Okay.

Go ahead, buddy.

Go ahead, explain.

For instance, like,

a lot of times, I'll see someone

I'm talking to a friend,

and then I say

"You see her over there?

That's my, that's my wife."

(Murr)

'There's no way

she's hugging him.'

I've said that I'm your husband

a few times, and..

What do people say to that?

They're like,

"Oh, that's lovely."

"How did you guys meet?"

And then I go on about

how we met, I guess.

- How did we meet?

- How did we meet? Alright.

Uh.. I walked myself

into that one.

We met at a, uh...fundraiser.

- Okay.

- Uh, in ' .

- I wasn't born in ' .

- You weren't born yet in ' .

Alright.

And I let everyone know that

we have a great marriage.

[laughter]

Your parents and I have to work

out our relationship, though.

Yeah, especially

they don't know you.

They don't..

But I do, I do apologize

for doing that.

- Do you accept my apology?

- I do accept your apology.

- She might hug him.

- He's looking too good.

Hold on a second, guys.

I got this. I got this.

- Sal, hey, buddy.

- Hey, what's up, Q?

I finally get to meet your wife!

Hey, after all this time.

How are you?

Oh, it's so nice

to finally meet you.

We didn't even believe

you existed.

Um..

[chuckles nervously]

We're not..

We're not, uh..

- We just met today.

- We just met today.

- We're not really married.

- He pointed you out last week.

I know.

I feel really weird right now.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

He talks about you a lot.

It sounded like

you guys were together.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

It's my fault.

That's why I apologize.

'Got to get the hug.'

Can we hug it out, I mean

just so I know

that you accept my apology?

- No way.

- Here it is!

Just a hug?

So, I-I've told a few people

that, uh, I was your husband.

But I do, I do apologize

for doing that.

- Do you accept my apology?

- I do accept your apology.

Got to get the hug.

Can we hug it out, I mean

just so I know that

you accept my apology?

- No way.

- Here it is!

I actually have

very strong boundaries.

- Okay.

- No, this is nothing personal.

That's the reaction most women

have to you, buddy.

Alright.

Fellas, I got this one

figured out.

I've got a foolproof plan

to get a hug.

Do you go to the bathroom

without announcing that

you have a foolproof plan first?

Listen to me.

'Cause every time

you get up to do something

it's always

with a foolproof plan.

The way you get a hug

is by surprising people.

Before someone has time

to think about

what's happening,

they're gonna be hugging me.

You have to get the hug

after you apologize.

I, I'm gonna apologize.

- Watch what happens. Ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Watch and learn, gentlemen.

- Watching and learning.

- Watching and learning.

- Here I go.

I got to,

I got to apologize real fast.

I got to apologize to you.

Oh, I just have to apologize.

Okay.

[laughter]

I didn't even get a chance

to say anything!

That was not part of the plan.

Do you know

what "Foolproof" means?

That didn't work, huh?

Hoo! I tell you, this weather

take this weather

any day of the week.

I, I should apologize, though.

I just ate three pounds of pork

while staring at you.

Uh..

Well, I ate three pounds of pork

while I was looking

at you earlier.

[laughter]

I ate three pounds of pork while

I was watching you earlier.

'Cause I was hungry.

- Not one pound.

- Not one pound.

- Not two pounds.

- Not two pounds.

Three pounds of pork.

[laughter]

You never told that before

by someone?

Well, there's something

about you just wanted me

to shovel in three pounds

of pork.

It was interesting

'cause I wasn't even interested

in the pork before I saw you.

I'm really sorry

for pork-watching you.

[laughter]

Anyway, I apologize. Do you

forgive me? You forgive me.

Do you mind if I get a hug

for forgiveness?

It's gonna help me compress

the three pounds of pork

that are in my gullet.

Ah!

Are you sure?

I'm gonna go get

three pounds lighter.

Take care, bud.

(Joe)

'Turn to your right.'

Go do the couple right there

to your right. Go for it.

You guys playing cards?

I'm actually glad

I ran into you guys

'cause I owe you an apology.

I've been mentally

undressing you, my man.

"I've been mentally

undressing you, my man."

Yep. This is what's

been going on.

I have been..

I've been...mentally undressi..

I've been mentally

undressing you, my man.

[laughter]

- Yeah.

- I'm doing it right now.

- Doing it right now.

- Uh-huh.

So, I owe you an apology

because that's not

a good way to behave.

You know, wandering the park,

mentally undressing dudes.

And I should apologize

to you, ma'am.

Oh, I guess

it's not even over yet.

And I should apologize to you,

ma'am.

I've been mentally dressing you.

Because I've been

mentally dressing you

with the clothes

I've taken off him.

Yeah. She's overdressed,

you're underdressed.

- So, you guys forgive me?

- Ha!

- Okay.

- She wants a stronger apology.

I should've never mentally

undressed you with my eyes.

I should've never mentally

dressed you with my eyes.

- And I'm sorry for that.

- It seems sincere.

I think the only way that

I'm gonna be able to move on

and all of us can move

past this..

...is just a quick group hug.

- What?

- Come on, come on.

Oh!

(Joe)

'Oh, you brought

your "A" game, man.'

Have a good day, guys.

(male narrator)

Sal, Joe, and Murr have

to settle for a group hug

on the loser board.

When did it become

so acceptable for men to hug?

When did that happen?

Like, remember the old west

like when men were men and

they were sh**ting each other?

Like, after the OK Corral

they weren't like,

"Come on," guys.

"Let's hug it out, yeah."

- I-I've hugged my whole life.

- Italian.

- Italian.

- Oh, now I'm Italian!

[laughter]

Today, we are running

around the mall asking shoppers

"Have you seen my wife?"

Side note,

none of us have wives.

The other guys

will be providing

outrageous descriptions

of this imaginary woman

on these cue cards.

If you can't get someone to say

they've seen your wife,

you lose.

It's a joker versus joker

challenge!

- I'm gonna fine me a wife!

- How about that one?

What's up?

- He's in.

- Okay.

I don't know where she went.

Excuse me. Could you help me?

I lost my wife.

Any chance

you might have seen her?

You came from that way?

She's bleeding.

I just wanna find her

before she bleeds out.

She was on a pogo stick

going half speed.

How does a pogo stick

even go half speed?

So she wasn't gonna zip by you.

You would've seen her

'cause she was going half speed.

[laughter]

She played the villain

in "Taken."

Did you "Taken,"

with Liam Neeson?

She was the villain.

Did you see anything

that looked like her?

See anybody hopping around?

Trail of blood? Alright.

(Joe)

'No wonder why she's bleeding.'

Liam Neeson came

and kicked her ass.

(Q)

'Alright, Sal, try for this guy

right next to you.'

Hey, guys,

I'm looking for my wife.

She doesn't have her phone

on her. I can't find her.

She has a red dress, blond hair.

She knows her way around

the urinal, this lady

which is to say that

she installs bathroom equipment

for a living.

Maybe she was by the bathrooms.

She's, she's the only human

with tusks?

It's easy to spot her.

[laughter]

Her whole life was a roll

of the dice, this one. Really.

Ever since she was young, she's

just been playing the odds.

And we found each other

through no luck, stroke of luck.

- You know what I mean?

- What?

And I don't know

what I'm saying right now

I tell you truth, myself.

She has tusks is what I'm saying

and everything she does is

like a roll of the dice.

Have you seen

anyone like her at all?

- 'Oh, you got him!'

- Oh.

That is her. That is her.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thanks, guys.

Trudy, trudy!

(male narrator)

Coming up, Joe tries

to find his wife.

She looks like a trash bag

filled with mango pulp.

(male narrator)

And later,

the guys stick it to Murr.

No! No!

- Where is..

- 'Who's he talking to?'

Now you're just standing there

talking to no one.

Well, who loses their wife?

[laughter]

Excuse me. I lost my wife.

Did you see a, a woman,

uh, she was about

your, she's about your height,

brunette?

Her cellphone's dead.

I can't get in touch with her.

She, uh..

You couldn't miss her.

She was wearing a bear rug.

She was chilly this morning.

Um...all three nipples

were showing through the..

...but she was alright with it.

You couldn't miss her for days.

Did you see my wife

in a bear rug?

Yeah, she had a bear rug on.

I can't find her.

New ones, new ones for her.

I said it was kind of hot

for the bear rug.

I told her at home

not to wear it.

[all chuckling]

She has, uh..

She had, like,

a o'clock shadow going.

Not a five. Not a full five.

Like a o'clock shadow.

She has a tattoo

of a caesar salad.

It pokes out right up top.

You've never seen her?

Oh, thank you so much.

[laughter]

She's wearing

a house-arrest bracelet.

She looks defeated.

Uh, she, mm..

Her body looks like a trash bag

filled with mango pulp.

Oh, my..

[laughter]

Mango pulp!

But, like, a hot version

of that, if you can imagine

because she is my wife,

and I love her to pieces.

Smoking hot bag of mango pulp.

But she had the bear rug on.

You couldn't miss her.

I don't take medication.

She doesn't, either.

Nothing?

Doesn't ring a bell at all?

No?

If you see her, tell her

Joe's looking for her.

You guys are ruthless.

(male narrator)

Joe got left at the altar,

so he's tied with Murr

as tonight's big loser.

But only one's

gonna get punished.

Joe's a huge loser, so we're

here to hugely punish him.

- Well..

- Maybe not.

Maybe it's Murray

that's the huge loser.

It might be you.

[laughter]

No, no, no, no!

[bleep]

It's really sinking in

right now.

It's the old switcheroo!

No! No way!

Murray will be dressed

like a human pinata..

..airlifted on a crane

and beaten the crap out of

by children!

Till candy explodes.

This is a bad precedent,

gentlemen.

Alright, buddy!

Buddy, how you feel?

[laughter]

- Don't wanna do this.

- Yes! Yes!

This is not funny!

Holy [bleep].

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

This is ter..

Stop! Stop lifting me up!

Release the children!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! No!

No, the.. No!

Get away! Get away!

- You guys excited?

- No, no!

Get him!

[laughter]

- Get him!

- 'Aah! Aah! Stop it!'

Get away from me!

This.. Ow! Stop it!

- Yeah, hit him, hit him!

- Come on!

[laughter]

- I don't think it's working.

- Yeah, take a break, guys.

- Take a break, guys.

- You little bastards.

- Hey, can we end this?

- The kids can't do it.

We'll help them out

a little bit.

We're gonna help them out.

- We're gonna help them out.

- No! No! No!

Ferret! Ferret! Ferret! Ferret!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop!

Stop!

You loser!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, stop.

Oh, my God, stop.

Help! No!

- We can't get that candy.

- We can't get that candy.

Get the [bleep] candy out

so we can end this!

I don't think

we're strong enough.

I know, I know.

I tried my hardest.

I think we need

a designated hitter.

- Yeah.

- What's going on?

Let's bring him in!

What? Who?

Who?

[laughter]

- Ha-ha-ha!

- You wait until I get down.

- We can't get that candy.

- We can't get that candy.

Get the [bleep] candy out

so we can end this!

I don't think

we're strong enough.

I know, I know.

I tried my hardest.

I think we need

a designated hitter.

- Yeah.

- What's going on?

Let's bring him in!

What? Who?

Who?

[laughter]

Is that your brother-in-law?

This is my sister's husband

who wanted to have a talk

with Murray

after that little video

he made with her.

That is my sister.

[laughs]

- That's Joe's sister.

- Joe's sister.

It was just a joke.

It was just a joke.

- 'Oh, my God!'

- I deserved that.

Now put the bat down.

You should respect marriage

a little bit more.

Ohh!

[crowd groans]

[laughter]

[all cheering]

That bat's broken.

Give me another bat.

No, no!

[laughter]

Candy!

So, am I getting down now?

Aah! No! No!

No, no, no, no!

Hey, kids, who wants ice-cream?

Come on! Let's go! Yeah!

You guys, that's not funny.

It's not funny!

- Joe!

- Come on, kids!

- Come on, everybody!

- Q!

Joke's over! Lower me down!