- (male narrator) Coming up..
- Oh, my God.
(male narrator)
How did Murr end up
in this position?
Will Joe find the strength
to man up?
- 'That's Joe's real dog.'
- What's up with the pink bows?
- And..
- I'm so sorry.
What have the guys
done to Sal now?
Now! Now!
[laughter]
Today we're in the park
having completely normal
conversations with strangers.
However, at any point
during the conversation
the other guys can yell "Now!"
When we hear the word "Now,"
we have to do
whatever weird task
was assigned to us.
If you don't complete
the weird task
when you hear "Now," you lose.
- When are we doing this?
- N-o-o-o-o-w!
(Joe)
'Open up your slip of paper.'
- I have to start dry-heaving?
- Yeah.
[retches]
It's like..
(Joe)
You know.
(Joe)
'Oh, oh. The guy in blue,
with sunglasses here?'
I'm all confused. Excuse me.
I was trying to meet my friend
at Union Square Park.
Now.
[retches]
Okay, so, oh,
I'm so sorry, man.
(Q)
'Now. Now.'
(Murr)
'Sorry about that.'
- So, where are we now, then?
- 'Now.'
[retches]
Excuse me.
- 'It runs right into it?'
- Now.
[retches]
(Q)
'Now.'
[retches]
Thank you, man.
(Joe)
'That guy's like,
"I'm leaving now."'
Let's see what's in the cards.
Change my pants?
I only have one pair of pants.
- Well..
- Well, well, here we go.
You see that backpack
over there, buddy?
(Joe)
'Next to the jacked guy?'
Yeah, the half-naked jacked guy.
That's where
your spare pants are.
Guys.
[laughter]
Hey. What's up, man? How are ya?
There's always some
beautiful dogs through here.
(Q)
'Joey, now.'
[sighs]
I mean, the doberman
that's one of my favorites.
(Murr)
'He's gonna take his pants off.'
You own a dog or no?
There's so much etiquette
with dogs.
You can't really worry about it,
though.
[laughter]
If I had my way, I'd make, like
all dog owners be responsible
for their dogs.
You know, some of them
just let them run around
and do their thing.
'If people were responsible
for their dogs'
I'd let my dog play with them.
But if they're not, no can do.
And this city bike program
is really taking off.
Now.
Because with the bikes
the good thing with the bikes
is that people are just..
...really cutting down
on their commuting expenses.
(Murr)
'He just changed them.'
You really could save money
that way.
You look like a biker.
Do you own one, or no?
Don't hurt yourself.
Don't pull yourself.
- Ready?
- Now.
I'd take hot over cold any day.
[laughter]
Doesn't really work.
(all)
'Now. Now. Now.'
[laughter]
I love when the fountain's on
because that's really when
the people come out.
Now.
Now.
Now.
Now.
(Murr)
'Sweet!'
Some days, you just
can't get comfortable.
Over-congratulate? About what?
Over-congratulate someone
about nothing.
- And everything.
- And everything.
[chuckling]
Alright.
(Joe)
'Top of the steps,
there's a couple there.'
Excuse me.
Is this normally a stage?
Do you guys know
what this normally is?
Hi. I'm Brian.
There we..
Oh. There we go.
Let's never say "Now."
Let's never say "Now."
[laughs]
That's a cool tattoo,
by the way. I really like that.
He's just making up talk
just waiting for it to happen.
I'd love to congratulate you
on that.
Is that the sort of thing
you congratulate people on
a tattoo?
Oh. I can't do it yet.
Now would be a good time. Now.
[laughter]
Alright, well,
good talking to you.
(Joe)
'Now.'
Congratulations on that tattoo.
Now was the time after I left
and said goodbye. Of course.
[bleep] almighty,
what are you guys doing to me?
- Now.
- I love these shoes, too.
I don't know where you got them
but I think they're great.
Congratulations
on getting those shoes.
(Q)
'What the hell
are you guys doing?'
- Oh. Now.
- [bleep]
I didn't mean to leave out
your shoes, man.
Congratulations on those, bro.
They're really cool. Nice!
Sweet. Thank you.
[laughter]
What, you guys think
I'm afraid to run?
Sit down right on that bench
next to that guy there.
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, you see that?
(Joe)
'That-that's for you.
Take that paper out.'
You'll know what that has to do
with it in a second.
Ah, sh**t somebody
with a water g*n.
[laughter]
- 'How'd you know?'
- 'You're so smart.'
He's enjoying an ice-cream.
I mean, what the hell
are we waiting for? Right now.
[laughter]
Did we say "later?"
I thought we said "now."
[laughs]
'Let me just do a little
remix for you. Hold on, buddy.'
♪ N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-now ♪♪
I'm, I'm so sorry. Um..
I have this, uh..
I'm so sorry.
Oh, [bleep]
- Well..
- 'Now.'
...for this.
I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry. Um..
I have this, uh.. I'm so sorry.
Oh [bleep]
- Well..
- 'Now.'
...for this.
[laughs]
(all)
'Now! Now! Now!'
- Oh, my God.
- Now! Now!
Oh, my God. Sorry.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- 'Now! Now!'
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- 'Now!'
You seem like a great guy.
[laughter]
- Now!
- Are you from New York?
- So you're just visiting then?
- 'Now! Now! Now!'
- Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
- How long..
[chanting]
'Now.'
I'm done. I'm done.
[laughter]
- Yes! We got him!
- Oh, nice.
(male narrator)
Sal's all wet, so now
he's on the loser board.
People have funny walks,
don't they?
Would you guys
be friends with me
if I was the same Murr you know
but I walked like this?
After all the things there are
about you, you think that's
the thing that's
gonna put us off?
I'd actually prefer it if you
started walking like that.
Then there'd be
something cool about you.
[laughter]
Today we're teaming up
to teach employees
about safety in the workplace.
(Murr)
'What's unsafe is that
our presentations'
'have been made
by the other team.'
(Sal)
'At the end of our seminars
we'll ask the staff'
to raise their hands
if they've learned anything.
Whichever team gets
the fewest hands raised loses.
- Remember, safety first.
- Doughnut's a close second.
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
I love these two
when they're paired together
because they don't belong
anywhere together...anywhere.
Here we go.
- Hey, guys. How are you?
- 'Hi, everyone. How are you?'
As you may have heard,
we debrief employees on typical
workplace-safety protocols.
Okay. In case of an emergency..
...uh, squat. Smoke rises.
You want to stay low to the
ground in case of an emergency.
Bend down with your head
between your legs.
Kiss your ass..
[laughter]
I mean, we're not trying
to sugarcoat anything here.
[laughter]
- They're dying.
- "Grooming for work."
"Facial hair can be dangerous
to others."
[laughter]
(Joe)
'That's your beard.'
I wear the beard as an example.
[laughter]
I'm aware of it. There's nothing
I can really do about it.
- I mean, you could shave it.
- Well..
[laughter]
Murray hates his beard.
Some teammate, Sal.
They're seeing the left side.
Show them the right side.
How's your back, buddy?
'Cause he shaves
his entire body.
Sal trumps him.
Now you're selling Murray out?
He grows the hair in the back.
So..
(Q)
'I love when they
turn on each other.'
In the room, it gets hot, man.
It gets heavy.
- Let's try not to do that.
- Alrighty.
We will now demonstrate the
different carries you can use
to help someone evacuate.
Now, there's..
- The Mariah Carey.
- 'Demonstrate.'
- So, you wanna..
- Yes.
It's like a fireman's carry
like this.
And then basically,
you wanna communicate it.
You wanna be like..
♪ I think there's a fire ♪
[laughter]
♪ Burning up in here ♪
♪ I think there's a fire girl ♪♪
[laughter]
- It's very much like that.
- Something like that.
[laughter]
Next slide.
Get the [bleep]..
[laughter]
There's no better advice.
- You hear a fire alarm.
- Get out.
You're like,
"Ah, it's not real."
You stay at your desk.
You know what?
(in unison)
Get the [bleep] out.
[laughter]
Uh, we appreciate your time.
By show of hands,
how many of you feel like
you've taken some kind of value
from today's seminar?
One, two.
- Two?
- Two.
- Two out of six.
- That's not hard to b*at.
Okay, great.
- You are looking dapper.
- Yeah? I look dapper today?
This might be the first time
you look better than me.
See, he looks good, but he
wait until he opens his mouth.
Yeah, you can't dress up
horrible diction.
Hey. How's it going, guys?
- Hello. Hey.
- Have a seat.
We are here to talk to you guys
about workplace safety.
- Here we go!
- Alright!
"Workplace stats, there are
% fewer workplace accidents
when a strong authority
figure is present."
Don't be afraid to assert
your manliness.
[laughter]
(Q)
'That looks like, uh..'
That's a picture of
Joe's real dog.
It's a Bichon Frise.
[laughter]
What up with the pink bows?
[laughter]
Some people say
cats are a feminine pet.
'But I think..'
He's turning on him.
Let's keep it together, man.
Okay, sorry.
Sorry, it's just I've got
a lot of crap about cats.
Yeah, you know, but let's
talk about it later.
Okay.
[laughter]
"Anonymous questions that were
submitted last seminar."
Sure, and we're gonna
ask you guys to possibly
uh, submit some as well.
(Joe)
'"What's the most polite way
to tell Duncan'
about his back fat?"
[laughter]
Uh.. You know, just say..
"Hey, Duncs..
...what's up with the back fat?"
Oh, you use e-mail? Subject
"Duncs, your back fat."
- Right. "Totes out of control."
- Yes.
(Murr)
'"Totes out of control?"'
(Joe)
'"I have more of a comment.'
I think Anfernee has been
stealing toner."
Anfernee.
So, you think there's
stealing going on
especially
if Anfernee's involved.
It's important
to tell people about that.
"Which smells
warrant evacuation."
Smoke, where there's smoke,
there's fire.
Also..
This is like a kick in the nuts
this one.
[laughter]
Fresh [bleep].
Only if it's fresh.
[laughter continues]
You get a whiff of fresh [bleep]
right by Janice in accounting.
[laughter continues]
Some of you may be asking,
"What does fresh [bleep]
smell like?"
[laughter]
I think that's it, so..
Just a quick question for us,
how many people here feel like
they've taken something away
from today's seminar?
- Oh, one, two, three.
- Four.
- No!
- No!
They b*at us!
Okay.
Well, I thought we did
an amazing job.
(male narrator)
Murr and Sal played it too safe
earning them both spots
on the loser board.
Coming up, is laughter
really the best medicine?
Oh, my God, I just laughed
so hard, I puked.
I puked in a bucket.
Today we're asking
strangers for help
making our dating profile.
The catch is what we're
showing them has been
created by the other guys.
Once we present the profiles
we'll ask them to rate it
on a scale from one to ten.
Whoever gets
the lowest score loses
and I'm making this
a joker versus joker.
(male narrator)
It's a double down
joker versus joker challenge.
(Joe)
'Look at him stalking.'
"Who would fight back
the least?"
[laughter]
Who can I mentally dominate?
I feel like the guy in red is
on his own hidden-camera show.
'And he's looking at Murray
and being like'
'"This guy looks good.
I can mentally dominate him."'
Do you mind
if I ask you a question?
I just joined
an online dating site.
And I'm trying
to fill out the profile.
Can I show it to you
get your opinion of it?
Yeah!
- Neil, nice to meet you.
- Neil.
Okay, so,
I created a screen name.
Uh, "Peeping-at-u."
[laughter]
Right off the bat.
So, a little about me.
Uh, what I'm doing with my life.
Uh, I currently work
in a morgue.
I post new pics
on Instagram daily.
Like selfies from the morgue.
I do a lot of selfies.
He just doesn't wanna
come out and say
you see it on his face.
"Dude, this, this sucks."
Let's jump to this one.
I'll show you this one.
"You should message me if you're
fun, adventurous, spontaneous
tight, and laid-back."
[laughter]
She's great with spontaneity,
and, you know, we come up
with things on the spot,
and, you know
she's really laid-back
and tight.
On a whim, she's willing
to change her mind
and do fun things.
We'll explore,
and then she's tight
and just really laid-back.
You know, just really taking
adventures and tight.
[laughter continues]
Neil is stumped.
The first thing people
usually notice about me
is my blackened front chomper.
[laughter]
Show him!
Show him!
Show him!
I'm embarrassed to show you.
I'm embarrassed to show you.
You didn't notice it
when you first came over?
I don't want to show you.
I'm embarrassed.
What do you think?
If you had to rank
my dating profile on a scale of
one to ten, what would you give?
- Be honest.
- Don't be nice. Don't be nice.
A three?
(Joe)
'Get this woman
in the pink hat.'
Excuse me, miss. I just need
to get an opinion on something.
I could use a woman's opinion.
Do you wanna help me out?
I'm Brian, by the way.
I have to put together
a dating profile.
So, this is what
I'm working with right now.
Uh, my personality
is best described
as a wet napkin.
[laughter]
Right.
So I can be helpful
to single moms.
- She's so nice.
- She is.
She's politely
being full of crap.
Okay, so, so far,
I'm not doing so bad.
Body type, soft.
[laughter]
I just saw that.
I forgot I filled it in.
Okay, currently I..
...wake up every day
and try not to k*ll myself..
...or scrapbooking.
[laughter]
You know,
and I love scrapbooking.
How do we feel about that?
[indistinct chatter]
Uh, the first single thing
people notice
about me is my hat.
I wear it every single day.
This way I never have to wash
or comb my hair.
There you go.
Uh, the most private thing
I like to admit
is my breath
smells like fingers.
[laughter]
I guess that means that I put
my own fingers in my mouth
or other people
put their fingers in my mouth.
That's it.
That's all I have so far.
This is my first s*ab
at an online-dating profile.
That's a very
polite way of saying
"You'll never get a date."
If you had to rate my profile
on a scale of one to ten..
Moment of truth.
[imitates drumroll]
- Oh!
- Six? What?
(male narrator)
Murr's got a double date
with destiny
making him tonight's big loser.
Let's be honest.
Murr is no model.
But he is the loser, so today
we're gonna make him a model.
A nude model.
We're about to send him
into an art class
where a group of students
will concentrate
on his every crevice.
He has to do any pose
that we tell him to.
That's the part that scares me.
That should be the part
that scares you.
That's about to scare
a roomful of people.
[laughter]
- Murray, head to toe wax..
- Head to toe.
[laughter]
In minutes, these people
are gonna be staring directly
in your [bleep]
[laughter]
Oh, my God, look at this!
There's no escaping
his nude body.
Oh, my God.
'You can see in his face'
'how jittery he is.'
(Joe)
'Take it off.'
[laughter]
(Sal)
'Oh, my God.'
'You can see in his face'
'how jittery he is.'
(Joe)
'Take it off.'
[laughter]
Oh, my God.
'Oh, my God.'
(Q)
'It's just Murr
standing in a room'
of silent people
holding his own balls.
(Joe)
'Alright, Murr, so,
what we're gonna do'
'we're gonna give you
a couple poses, buddy.'
Okay, ready?
I want you to give them
a Heisman trophy.
[laughter]
[laughter]
How about a ballerina?
[laughter]
- Oh, my God.
- I can't, I can't do this.
'Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
that looks so weird.'
Give me the Michael Jackson
"A-h-h-h-h-h-h!"
[laughter]
'They are studying your body
like you are...a specimen.'
- 'The "Mona Lisa."'
- 'Yeah.'
Give me an Egyptian. Go.
[laughter]
(Sal)
'We got to get his hands
off his package.'
What Murray doesn't know
is that his stage..
...rotates.
[laughter]
Oh, my God!
'Oh, my God!'
[laughter continues]
It's time to go
to the amusement park, buddy.
We're gonna go
on that roller coaster.
[all clicking]
Going up the hill, bud.
We're about to go down
that big hill.
- Oh! Oh!
- Here we go.
Whoa!
[laughter]
- Now kick. Now kick.
- Crane kick.
[laughter]
I'm gonna throw up.
[retching]
Oh, God, that's gross!
I'm gonna throw up now, too!
Oh, I'm gonna throw up!
I'm gonna throw up!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God, I just laughed
so hard, I puked.
I puked in a bucket.
[laughter]
02x20 - Not Safe For Work
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.