02x21 - The Alliance

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x21 - The Alliance

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(male narrator)

Coming up, what happens

when Sal gets in touch

with his feminine side?

[giggles]

Will Murr be

the next fall guy?

- 'Oh, jump!'

- Oh, my God.

- And..

- Gray hoodie, looking good.

What makes Q snap?

[grunts]

[laughing]

Today we're competing

head-to-head

and the only rule is

try not to laugh.

We're at

the Millennium Broadway Hotel

giving presentations

on identity theft.

- It's Q versus Joe.

- And me versus Sal.

(both)

But I wrote his slides.

(both)

And I wrote his slides.

And we wrote them

with the express purpose

of making each other cr*ck up.

The goal is

to get through the slides

made by your partner,

without laughing.

Whoever laughs the most loses.

Well, let's get

all the laughs out now, boys.

[laughing]

I'm gonna crush you.

Alright, the two gladiators

have entered the arena.

Who do you think's

gonna win this?

I think Murray's gonna win.

Why do you think he's gonna win?

Because you fall down laughing

at every single thing.

[laughing]

[laughing]

[glass shattering]

So Murr wrote

all of Sal's slides.

And Sal wrote

all of Murr's slides.

- My name is James Murray.

- And I'm Sal Vulcano.

Today we're going to give you

a presentation

'about identity theft.'

- 'Go ahead, Sal.'

- Okay.

Most common passwords. Alright?

I love you. Believe it or not,

people think they're cute.

Uh, Donna had it coming.

[laughing]

You wouldn't think

that was common.

- Got the smirk.

- But what we did was we..

That was a cr*ck, not a break.

He's good.

I don't know who Donna is

or why she had it coming

but a lot of people

don't like Donna.

- 'Ha-ha-ha.'

- 'Murr's up.'

Let's go over some important

Internet-security terms.

Computer of course,

that is

the terminal in which

you interact with the world.

'Y K, everyone remembers that.'

'And then floppy..'

[laughing]

Oh, hold it. Hold it, Murr.

Floppy dicks. Floppy dicks.

Clearly a typo.

Nice save, Murr.

Trying to hold it together

'cause I didn't expect

that typo.

Back to Sal.

Uh, change your password to

movie puns, uh, to stop hackers.

A few examples.

[laughing]

"Black to the future."

Of course, uh, that is based

on "Back To The Future."

'"Will he bonk ya

in the chocolate.."'

[laughing]

There he goes. That's a laugh.

Of course, that's "Will.."

[laughing]

- Will he? Will he bonk ya?

- Well..

This is really funny. And no

one's ever gonna put that in.

- 'Let's be honest.'

- 'Here we go, Murr.'

CDs.

[laughing]

More like "See these nuts"

because CDs

aren't secure either.

(Joe)

'Sal, you thought

that one was gonna do it'

buddy, but it didn't get him.

People who've, uh

who've stolen my identity. Now..

[music on record]

[laughing]

This is an old video we made

way back in the day.

[laughing]

[giggles]

[laughing]

And there he goes!

Oh, Sal!

- Point, Murr.

- Oh, boy.

Okay, uh, my personal experience

with ID theft.

'My identity was stolen

while I was in Guatemala.'

Uh, my life

was actually threatened.

'I had to smuggle dr*gs

for a kingpin to save my life.'

And there it is.

[laughing]

[laughing]

It was in my anus.

[laughing]

- You got him!

- Check, Sal.

Well, I mean, where else

are you gonna put the cocaine?

It's got to go there. Sal.

I..

(Joe)

'He's peeking at you

through those balloons.'

[laughing]

Identity thieves may be hiding

right in front of you.

[laughing]

You don't even, you don't know.

- 'Cling clang!'

- Ha-ha-ha..

[laughing]

- Got him again!

- That was easy.

- Cling clang.

- 'Alright, Murr's up.'

(Murray)

'Other ways

to lose your iden-titties.'

[laughing]

There's a..

Now they're out of control.

Now it's just snowballing.

Yeah, so-so this girl here is

clearly losing her iden-titties.

- 'That is it.'

- Murr wins it.

Wow. Well,

I knew Murr was gonna win.

'Sal can't handle anything.'

- Hi.

- 'How's it going?'

The goal is just not to laugh.

(Murray)

'Only Q knows the slides

that Joe has to read'

and only Joe knows the slides

that Q has to read.

Thank you so much for coming,

uh, we're here talking

to you guys

about, uh, identity theft.

- Okay. Here we go.

- Finding problematic websites.

'What do we do on the Internet?

Could it be this?'

Uh, could it be a fart rocket?

'Um, I mean, you know,

this is, this is, this is like'

"Is that what's gonna happen

to you?"

Are you gonna get out there

and people

gonna change this to be

your profile picture and

everybody, you know..

Uh, so..

He held it. He held it together.

Fine. Oh, wow. Okay. Yup.

I've successfully protected

my mother's computer

so no one can hack and steal

her identity.

Here are some of

her recent posts to prove it.

[laughing]

"Just.." This..

My mother's funny.

"Just crop-dusted the [bleep]

out of my son."

(Sal)

'Ha-ha.. Fantastic.

That's one for Joey.'

"Crab legs for lunch."

That's my mom.

- I love your mom.

- Yeah. She's great.

Alright, Joe.

This is how you feel

if you sleep in a teepee.

- Ha-ha!

- That's a laugh!

That's how you feel

if you sleep in a teepee.

'Yeah, what does that

have to do'

with identity theft?

...this has to do with identity

theft is that this guy knows

his home address is a teepee.

'So if there's a rent charge'

for an apartment in Midtown

how did that happen?

- 'Ha-ha..'

- Alright. Q's up.

Don't use

open Wi-Fi networks.

People can hack

your computer,

even your webcam.

To prove it, I hacked

my partner's, Joe, webcam

yesterday. Here is the video.

[ laughing ]

Don't use

open Wi-Fi networks.

People can hack your computer,

even your webcam.

'To prove it, I hacked

my partner's, Joe, webcam'

'yesterday. Here is the video.'

[laughing]

(Sal)

'That's another one for Q.'

You just sit around

your apartment naked, huh?

You were watching, so I'm

glad that's all you caught.

- Got him.

- Thank you. That's it.

'Q went down.'

(male narrator)

It's no laughing matter

for Sal and Q

who both land

on the loser board.

Where's the most inappropriate

place you got the giggles?

Do you remember we went

to a funeral together

and a guy in the audience,

during the funeral

his cell phone rang and it was

"The Exorcist" theme song

ringtone?

And Sal and I,

we were crying laughing.

You guys were laughing

so hard.

Yeah, that was

my grandmother's funeral.

Oh, my..

- I'm so sorry.

- That's okay.

He should have

turned his ringer off.

[laughing]

We're out and about

trying to get people to guess

which famous person

we think they look like.

But the thing is,

the person we're describing

doesn't actually exist.

The guys are gonna be giving us

the details on these cards.

If you can't get someone

to take a guess

about who we're describing,

you lose.

You know who you look like?

Rosie O'Donnell, huh?

I was gonna say

Q from "Impractical Jokers."

- But now that you mention it..

- I got it.

- I got it.

- Rosie O'Donnell.

(male narrator)

It's a joker versus joker

challenge.

I gotta say something.

You look..

You just look,

you look like that famous guy.

[grunts]

I can't remember the guy's name.

It's...

You look like the,

that R&B singer

with the abstinence tape.

What is his name?

He-he sounds familiar, though,

right?

He's the guy that..

- You misspelled turd.

- No, no.

That's with an I.

He-he's the guy that coined

the phrase,

"Yeah, yeah, nah, turd."

All the, all the kids,

all the city kids say it.

He's the guy

that f*ndled the crocodile.

Remember?

He went on vacation..

I'm-I'm recalling the details

of this guy.

He sounds familiar, though,

right?

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah, nah, turd.

- 'How about red, Murr?'

- Do you know who you look like?

Just like, by the way? I don't

know if you get this at all.

But, ah, the name

is on the tip of my tongue.

'It's the guy..

He's super famous.'

He's the boxer

with the extra cartilage.

The super-famous boxer.

You look just like him, dude.

He's the, um, he was the guy

who was found guilty

of spanking and entering.

[laughing]

Uh, it's on the tip

of my tongue.

Wanted to be cremated

before he d*ed, boys.

Before he d*ed?

He's the guy that wanted to be

cremated before he d*ed.

Do you know the guy

I'm talking about?

What's his name?

What's his name?

[laughing]

'Well, you look just like him.'

The cops are coming down hard

on spanking and entering though.

'So be careful.'

[laughing]

Hold on one second. Excuse me.

You.. Who do you..

You know who you look like?

- 'Oh, my God.'

- Right.

The famous person, you look

just like, um..

[laughing]

You look like a princess.

That's who I'm thinking of.

- A princess.

- Wow! I didn't have to get up.

[grunts]

Son of a..

Guys, this person is gonna

give me a name, no matter what.

[laughing]

- I am gonna get a name.

- Go get him, buddy!

Oh, my God.

You-you look just like, uh..

Oh, my God. You look just like

that guy. Oh, my God.

He looks like a Jewish nun.

[laughing]

Oh, my God. He gives fruitcakes

on non-holidays.

Like, you know, when you're not

supposed to get it?

He gives it, like, on May th.

[laughing]

He broke a window with his junk.

He accidentally, he ran up to it

and, oh,

it was a big accident.

He phunked with Fergie's heart.

No, no, no, no.

He funked with it.

Wh-what's his name?

You should see

where he can fit an eggplant.

Anywhere you thought.

[laughing]

Come on, man up!

He fired his mother

for insubordination.

[laughing]

He was, uh..

What's his name?

Hm.

You got $ ?

[laughing]

None of this is ringing a bell?

'Cause I feel like

I've given you

a lot to work with.

Donald Tr*mp!

That's who I'm talking about.

- It's Donald Tr*mp!

- I worked for that [bleep].

Alright, Donald.

Take care of yourself.

He earned it,

he earned it like

I've never seen him earn

anything ever.

That's how you do it.

(male narrator)

Looks like all that

Murr earned was a loss.

This is a cage

full of challenges.

These are paddles

with our names on them.

We're gonna pick a challenge

at random

and then vote on

who has to do it.

If you can't complete

the task you were voted to do

you lose!

What do you want from us?

Alright. Here we go, boys.

Could be you. Could be you.

It says,

"Kiss your own two fingers

and then get someone else

to kiss them."

[laughs]

No, that's wet. Don't touch me.

Time to vote-ski. Ready?

(all)

One, two, three.

[laughing]

Q, how about that couple

sitting down?

(Joe)

'Yeah, why don't you go

ruin their day?'

Excuse me, do you have

a, like, a penny or something

I could toss in the fountain

to make a wish?

I came all the way here

and I, and I..

Oh, man. Thank you so much.

And now comes

the awkward part.

I'm glad

I don't have to do this.

We should make him go

every turn.

[laughing]

Oh, my God. Yes. Yes.

- All hands in?

- All hands in.

- Q every time?

- Yeah.

Whoa, bonding!

(Joe)

'Turn, turn's almost over.'

You know what,

the best thing to do is like

seal it with a kiss, you know?

- Uh, no way!

- Oh!

This is an important wish.

Just saying.

You know what,

the best thing to do is like..

- 'This is the best thing.'

- 'Here it comes.'

...seal it with a kiss,

you know?

Maybe one of these, like..

- You?

- "I'm good."

This is an important wish.

Just saying.

- 'Oh, got it! He got it!'

- 'Oh!'

(Joe)

'Son of a.. I'm impressed, Q.'

'Let's hope

you keep that streak up.'

Wait. What was that?

[laughing]

Alright,

"While sensually grunting

take five pictures of a person."

[laughing]

One, two, three.

- Ha-ha-ha..

- Alright.

(Sal)

'Alright, there you go, boy. We

got you a nice little camera.'

Oh, yeah, megapixels.

(Joe)

'How about the pair of hoodies

on the fountain?'

[grunting]

[laughing]

(Murray)

'They both just looked up.'

- One.

- 'That's one.'

- This is so weird.

- Looking good.

[grunts]

- Two.

- [bleep].

You have no idea

how [bleep] hard this is.

[laughing]

Yeah, that's it.

That's the stuff.

'Yeah, three.'

[grunts]

Four.

(Sal)

'One more, Q.'

Gray hoodie, looking good.

[grunting]

- "Stop, please."

- "Stop, please."

That was five..

[cheering]

- Your turn to spin, Q.

- Alright, buddy.

You're not gonna spin?

I'll just go out there

and get this started.

Yeah, I wasn't even gonna

vote for him, to be fair.

Don't-don't-don't even

start that.

It's "Unzip someone's fly."

Oh, I lied.

I would have voted for you.

This is possibly

one of the most difficult things

he ever had to do, ever.

This is not, this is not

how this is supposed to work.

No, it's-it's perfect.

You got it, bud.

It's four friends, uh,

from high school..

[laughing]

Who t*rture each other.

If I do this, you're all

getting punished.

- You got it.

- Listen, unzip the fly.

'We'll all get punished,

except you.'

Look at this. "Unzip someone's

fly." Isn't that weird?

That's a weird thing to find,

like, just

it was just on the ground.

It says, "unzip someone's fly."

[laughs]

How you doing, buddy?

You need help with that zipper?

Nothing has to happen

between us.

It's just two dudes

unzipping each other's..

Why is he unzipping your fly?

Oh, yeah. That's actually, but..

You know..

[laughing]

Alright, hey,

have a good day, alright?

Alright,

I don't know what's going on.

This is a lot of pressure today.

(Joe)

'Right behind you.

Right behind you.'

There you go. Boom.

Ah! What's this? What's this?

Did you, did you drop this?

No. What is it?

Let's find out together.

[laughing]

"Unzip someone's fly?"

No way. No way.

Yeah, I'll unzip your fly.

I don't wanna do it any more

than you

but if you just let me do it..

- 'He's got a button fly.'

- 'Oh, no.'

- No way. No way.

- Oh..

- 'Ah!'

- Oh, my God!

- 'Oh!'

- 'You are unbeatable, man.'

(male narrator)

Murr, Joe

and Sal's plan backfired

so they're all

tonight's big losers.

Uh, the three of you lost

and now you're about to jump off

a damn cliff!

Welcome, boys, to Q Falls!

- 'Oh..'

- Oh, God.

I was gonna do something

a lot less dangerous

but the three of you's

conspired against me.

It was definitely a mistake,

yeah.

Fellas,

the alliance has fallen.

[laughing]

You reap what you sow,

my friends.

Yeah, it was Murr's idea.

No, no, no, no.

- It's just getting real.

- No. No! No!

Today we are gonna figure out

which one of you three

is my best friend.

I'm gonna be asking you a series

of questions about myself.

Each wrong answer

moves you up a spot.

- Until we're out of spots?

- 'You got to the red.'

Y-you better answer

every one right

'cause two of you

are going over..

...and one of you remains

up here as my best friend.

Let's see who's been paying

attention all these years.

'That's it. That's it.'

The woman I lost my virginity to

where is she today?

- I'm staying on the green.

- I have no idea. I've no idea.

Please reveal your answer,

Murray.

- '"Heaven?"'

- '"Heaven."'

[laughing]

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

I don't know, you know,

if she's dead or alive.

- I was less specific.

- '"Dead."'

Very similar answers. Sal?

I know who it is

and I know where she is!

- 'Yeah!'

- Prison.

- She's in prison.

- She is alive and breathing.

Gentlemen, would you two please

take one step closer

to the fall?

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- 'Prison! Prison!'

It feels nice and safe

back here.

What is my spirit animal?

I think I know

the right answer to this.

I got a good one.

Murray, what is

my spirit animal?

Your spirit animal, Q,

is the penguin.

I see, because in high school

I told you a story

that if the world ended,

I'd want to sit

on top of the Brooklyn Bridge

with a beer and a penguin

and watch it all unfold.

- Yes.

- Sal.

I'm very specific

with a baby snow leopard.

Wow, alright. Excellent.

Joseph, what is

my spirit animal?

I know,

with the kind of person you are

so it's armadillo.

Wow, you just wanna jump

right off that cliff.

No, no, hear me out!

Hear me out!

You've got a hard shell,

but you're soft on the inside.

Joe, why don't you walk on

right up there?

This is [bleep]

right up there.

(Sal)

'Look at him! Oh, man!'

[bleep] just got real.

Joe in the red circle,

in the danger zone.

I thrive under pressure.

You know this.

You do. You do.

True or false?

At a party

Dan Aykroyd once grabbed my ass.

Sal, true or false?

I feel like I would have

known about it.

- False.

- Alright. Wow.

- Murr?

- I got to say true.

- True. Joe?

- I feel like I'm with Sal.

I feel like

I would have known that story.

I'm saying it's false.

False. Grab my ass.

- No! No!

- 'Did not grab my ass.'

Murr, would you please

step forward?

Oh, my God.

Holy [bleep].

I can't jump that, man. That's..

- No way.

- It's not good.

Will you answer

something wrong?

I have a two-question buffer.

My autobiography comes out.

What is the title of it?

There's no right answer. It's

just what I like and don't like.

So, Sal,

the name of my autobiography?

"I Don't Even Have To Answer

This One."

One of you guys is going off,

so..

- On the yellow.

- Oh, man.

Alright, Murray.

"Cats And Hats,

The Brian Quinn Story."

Joe, the name

of my autobiography?

- "Q, Man, Myth, Legend."

- 'Oh, that's good.'

That is good. I like that.

I, instead of sucking up to you

went with the two things

that you love most.

Alright, Murr, you had me

until you pointed out

'that Joe was sucking up,

and then it made me think'

that doing some sort

of mind game where you were

like, playing

against the suck-up.

- No, no, no.

- 'Yes!'

So, Murr, I would like you

to take--

- No! No!

- Yes!

- It's a good answer!

- Don't try and play me.

This is a good answer!

Can I make a motion for appeal?

No! No!

- There's your appeal.

- 'Don't try and play me.'

- 'Friend.'

- Jump! Jump! Jump!

Oh, my God.

Ha-ha-ha!

His knees are shaking.

I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Oh!

Oh, [bleep].

[laughing]

It's freaking cold!

[laughing]

One down, boys. Focus.

How many fingers

am I holding up?

Between one and five, boys.

Between one and five.

- Alright.

- Let's do it together.

- Okay.

- Like a Band-Aid.

- Ready?

- One, two, three.

Yeah!

Wish you weren't cocky now!

- Whoa!

- Get up on the red circle!

- Aw..

- Salvatore.

Why did I do that?

Holy [bleep].

- We're both touching red.

- It all comes down to this.

This is it.

Without going over..

What is

my highest bowling score?

'Sal.'

I didn't want to go over

and I didn't know

so I price-is-righted it.

- That's so cheap.

- "Price Is Right."

- Wow.

- I'm not over.

I'm-I'm a bowler, and I've been

bowling with you once.

.

It was . It was ! !

[laughing]

Bowling for dollars.

Best friends forever!

Best friends forever!

Jump, you wuss!

We're going to get hot dogs.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I can't even get to the edge.

- Can I give you a hint?

- Yeah.

Don't hit the rocks.

I'm [bleep] scared.

- Go.

- Alright.

You mother [bleep]!

[laughing]

[laughing]

Alright, boys.

We'll see you later.

Me and my BFF,

we're gonna catch a flick.
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