03x01 - One Flew Over the Lawyer's Desk-

[bunniefuu]

Oh my god!

I can't believe I'm making out with
federal prosecutor of the year.

Western region, division two, section B

Believe it baby.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- I'm almost all ears.

When I was a little girl
I'd lay on my bed every night

with my journal of
the American Bar Association

cutting out pictures of
hunky lawyers like you.

Don't be embarrassed,
all little girls do that.

- Now kiss me.
- Show me the plaque first.

Oh honey,

I'll help you with that
cause it's tricky.

May be for an ordinary man but
not for federal prosecutor of the year,

western region, division two, section B.

Folks, we're here live being undressed

by award-winning federal
prosecutor Gregory Montgomery

Mr Montgomery, you clearly have
the talent to be an adult film star

What made you choose the law?

The usual reasons, the groupies
the complimentary legal pads

There you have it folks behind every
great man nookie and free office supply.

You know, I can't even remember
when I first decided to become a lawyer

probably not enough blood in your head

Isn't it strange, I mean a lot of
people have asked me that question

but I never really thought about it.
- Why start now?

Here honey, let me show you
a little trick with these buttons.

You know If anybody but you had
asked me why I became a lawyer

I'd give them some glib
answer, and that'd be that.

Fine, pretend I'm someone else.

Hi, I'm Patricia Pillow,

take me before my husband
Mr Pillow-head gets home.

No, no no. Don't let me off
the hook, I got to figure this out.

Stand by fellas we've hit a snag.

What's going on honey?

I don't know I... I'm
gonna make some coffee.

All right boys smoke them
if you got them.

Season Three _ Episode One
One flew over the lawyers desk

Honey, you gonna
come to bed soon?

Do you still want to know
why I became a lawyer?

Sure, of course.

Well, I don't know.

Oh well, that's okay. It
was a trick question, gotcha!

Maybe it's because I never
felt worthy of being loved,

and if I were successful and
important I would deserve that love.

- You thought people loved lawyers?
- See.

It doesn't make any sense

my whole life doesn't
make any sense.

Hey, how can you say that?

You haven't even
lived your whole life.

Yeah well, I... I guess that's true

Yeah, and for all we know life doesn't
even make sense until the end.

You know like jokes,

like right now you're just a guy
sitting in a bar with a duck on his head.

Exactly.

I'm... I'm...

I'm just beginning, It's just almost like,

like today is the first
day of the rest of my life.

Like the poster.

- What poster?
- Never mind.

Dharma, do you...

do you realize what an
opportunity this is I mean...

look at all those windows,

behind every one of them are
people stumbling through life

with no idea why they're
doing what they're doing.

I think they know why
they're doing what they're doing.

Oh you go girl.

Girls!

- Hey.
- I 'm sorry... what?

Big break through
your whole life is a lie

you became a
lawyer as a misguider

Hey, hey, anyway

Thanks to you, I...

I finally realized that...

- You want to talk about this inside?
- Yeah, yeah probably better.

Obstacles.

It's not popsicles,
it's obstacles.

Although the obstacles
could be Popsicle...

if they were really big and in your way.

- Greg have you slept at all?
- years, thank you very much.

Okay, What are you doing?

Reading all your books
on spiritual enlightenment.

- Really?
- This stuff is incredible.

Do you realize that most of these
guys have spent their entire lives

figuring out who they
are, and what their true purpose was

- Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?
- Unbelievable,

I mean if you buckle down
it shouldn't take more than a month.

Do you really read all of these books?

Fine, let's give
them, I got the gist.

"Walden" is simplified, "Tibetan
book of the dead"; We're all gonna die.

"Be Here Now", what is that?

And next time I'm
gonna read The Bible.

Well, let me save you some time,

first half don't mess with God,
second half be nice to people.

Thank you, that's a
couple of days right there.

- I think I need some coffee.
- Okay.

I'm gonna try some meditation.

Okay, I see how
that can be helpful.

- Phone Celia.
- It's probably for you.

Hello!

Oh, hello dharma.
I'm fine thank you.

Well I'm glad you're fine as well.

How can I help you?

I certainly appreciate you respecting
my wishes...

and calling before you drop by.

However, now it would
not be a good time.

Because I have guests.

What do you mean where
are they? Where are you?

Come in!

Oh. Use the door, Dharma.

I didn't want to bump into all
your guests on their way out.

Oh, very clever. Will you?

- Are these just for anyone?
- Aapparently.

So, to what do I owe the honor?

Why can't a daughter-in-law
just drop by to say howdy-do?

Because we are not mountain folk.

I just wanted to give you a
little heads-up about Ggreg.

What about him?

Last night...

he had what's probably a very normal
healthy spiritual awakening.

And now he's peeling off the layers of
Greg Montgomery...

that we're familiar with,

and replacing him with
the whole brand new guy.

What I'm saying is, how
can we be sure of anything?

This table it's only a table
because we call it a table,

it's only here
because we all agree it's here.

So you're against casual Fridays?

I'm against living an unexamined life.

So you're for casual Fridays?

Sorry I'm late. What do I miss?

Well, let's see.

Mr Claiborne called
the meeting to order...

Mr Webster brought up
the issue of casual Fridays,

and then Buzz Aldrin
here took off for the moon.

I'm glad you're here Pete,
now nobody help him.

Pete...

what is this?

- Who's there?

You know there is a very
simple way of looking at this, OK?

Greg is like a caterpillar who
spent his whole life in a cocoon

and now he's emerging
as a beautiful butterfly.

So, he's gay?

Don't you ever wonder
why we're doing this?

Why we all became attorneys?

No.

Oh, come on people. Isn't it because
we wanted to put on this big fancy mask

and march around: "Hey, look at
me, I'm an attorney, I'm an attorney."

Not for long.

- So, he's just trying to find himself
- Exactly.

- Nothing to worry about.
- Well, I think we all feel better.

If I can speak for the group.

Mrs. Dharma's phone.

Are you in for Mr Pete?

- Thank you Celia
- You're welcome.

Hey Pete, what's up?

Oh that's bad.

Ooh, oh that's really
bad. OK, I'll be right over.

- What's wrong?

- What makes you think
something's wrong? Gotta go.

Oh, that's handy.

- Hey!
- Great, let me ask you a question.

Do you still consider this a desk?

- What do you think honey?
- Exactly,

that's my point.
It's all subjective.

Hello!

Hey, look at that,
your desk flipped too.

Everything's fine, he's just gonna
go home and take a little break.

You know what?
She's right I quit.

- I didn't say that.
- No, you didn't have to.

I got you, I quit.

Mrs Montgomery don't you think

you should let him make this decision?

- It is his decision.
- Well, then why are you...

- telling him to quit?
- I'm not.

- I didn't. He's not quitting.
- No, no.

I'm out of here, I quit.

If his mother calls
this was not my fault, OK?

- Greg!
- Hi!

Looks like it's starting to rain.

I know.

I'm standing in the rain.

I am experiencing the rain,

and the rain is experiencing me.

Greg, those old postage stamps
we found in my dad's shed,

you didn't lick any of them, did you?

I have spent my entire life
getting out of the rain

because society said:
"Come inside Greg, it's raining."

But why can't it be, "It's raining Greg,

go outside".

Because it's raining Greg, come inside.

I thought you of all people
would understand.

I do, but you're trying
to do too much too fast.

You think?

Yeah, it's okay though,

I mean look at all you've accomplished.

Yesterday you're a lawyer of the year,

and now you...

Just come inside.

Hey Dharma look,

the lesbians are watching me now.

And I bet they're counting
their blessings, come on!

So, I got him inside I toweled him off,

and I put him to bed, and that

is where he has been ever since,
any questions?

Are you telling me Gregory quit his job

and he has been in bed
for the last two days?

Yes.

So, if there are no other questions

thank you very much for coming.

Dh... Dharma...

we don't know we cannot just go,

we have to handle this crisis.

It's not a crisis Kitty,
it's a celebration.

Really, I mean
Greg is re birthing himself.

And we all know
how exhausting that can be.

You know what they say,

there's no epidural during
a spiritual rebirth.

I always thought it was,
there are no atheists in a foxhole.

Look, I just want us all to agree that

we are going to give Greg
our love and support

okay?

No pressure.

We have never pressured
Ggregory, never.

Are you kidding?

You guys wrapped him tighter than
an airport sandwich.

Don't blame me, I was working,

I barely spoke to the boy.

Are you saying this is my fault?

No, you're a perfect mother
and a beautiful woman.

Dharma, do you have
anything stronger than scotch?

Edward I don't want to judge,

but your drinking
could be part of the problem.

Hey, wait a minute
I never drank around the boy,

I always drank alone.

Okay, I think we may have strayed
from the subject.

What was the subject?

How do you dress yourself
in the morning.

You called a family meeting for that?

- Hey!
- Hey Jane!

I just wanted to give you this for Greg.

You know, In case
he starts chewing on his legs.

It's very funny.

I know.

I didn't even have one,
I had to go and buy it.

Jane, now is not a good time.

Really?

Looks like you have all the ingredients.

Bye-bye Jane Bye-bye.

- I'll be back.
- I know

Hey!

Look who's up?

- How you feeling?
- Great.

Can you believe I slept for hours?

I was there for eight of them.

- What you're watching?
- Some movie.

This guy's from the future
but the movie was made in the s,

so he's actually from five years ago.

I'll be darned.

How's your voyage
of your self-discovery going?

Good.

Going to the giants game this afternoon

with the guy who brought
the new phone books.

You're going to another baseball game?

Yeah, but today I'm taking my mit,

I'd have caught that ball yesterday
if I'd had a mitt.

I was worried that
you weren't gonna be able to unwind

and slow down but look at you go.

- You got the new TV guide?
- Yes.

- And the fiddle faddle?
- Yup.

And I also got you a book.

It's about how to incorporate spirituality
into your everyday life.

If you ever choose to have one again.

I wonder how fiddle faddle
would taste in milk

It's been two months, two months.

I know, well Dharma,
it takes as long as it takes

- Hey, look who's up?
- Morning.

Anyway Dharma,
the best thing you can do for Greg is

be there for him, and just give him
as much time as he needs

to find his true path.

Abby?
Yeah.

Do you know where
this week's TV guide is?

Here Larry.

Thanks.

Oh boy, organic fiddle faddle

Hot, Hot!

Good though.

Greg what are you doing?

Fixing my hair.

Did you cut it?

No, I pulled it back in a ponytail.

What do you think?

Pop Tarts are done.

We're breathing

and we're accepting

screw this

Oh, hot hot, good, good

Hot, good.

All right mister, here's
how it's gonna be.

I'm going to the store which,
in case you're wondering

is how pop-tarts get here.

And when I get back,
I want you showered and shaved

and on some damn road
to enlightenment.

I don't care which one.

This is Garfield.

Where did you get this?

Found it.

Half the pages are missing but
that's Ok cause it's not really a story.

Are you gonna dump him?

No, I'm not gonna dump him.

Come on, dump him then I'll dump Pete
we'll go do something fun.

I thought you and Pete were happy.

We are but if you're gonna be single
I don't want to miss out.

We're not breaking up.

I love Greg,
I love graves more than anything.

Hi pretty lady.

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

Who am I to tell Greg
how long this should take?

So you're just gonna let him ride on your
sofa like a big wheel of stinky cheese?

If that's his bliss.

I just had to figure out how
to get his mother off my back...

she's calling me every day.

The way I see it you got two choices...

either you can have her roughed up
or you can fake your own death.

Either way I know a guy.

I'll let you know.

Right now I think
I need to go apologize to Greg.

Right now? But you promised.

All right, one ride on the vibrating
pony and then we're leaving.

Greg!

Got you the new TV guide
and some fiddle faddle.

Greg!

Dharma!
What?

What's this?

Oh my god!

What?

You were right, I wasn't accomplishing
anything sitting at home.

If I'm really serious
about changing my life...

I've got to go out into the
world and take some chances.

I'll call you as soon as I can.
I love you.

He's gone.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Can I have his fiddle faddle?