03x09 - Law and Disorder

[bunniefuu]

I'm bringing coffee…

Because he likes coffee.

It's really… sloffy,

that rhyme with coffee.

Hey Larry, what's up?

-Can I borrow your boom box?
-Sure, what you need it for?

No reason.

I'm not gonna do anything bad with it.

Do you still have that catapult you built.

Jane's got it.
What do you need a catapult for?

No reason, see ya.

Did you catch that?

Yeah, I thought so too.

I'm bringing coffee…

So, what do you think counselor?
Do I have a case?

Looks like a slam dunk to me.

Hi.

He slipped and fell on a wet floor…

The convenience
store owner is liable for that.

-What convenience store?
-the speedy mart up the street.

The one owned by that
nice couple from Cambodia.

The wipes are right,
she has a great Seinfeld impression.

Do you you remember what time this was?

Yeah, it's a little after a.m…

because that's when they kicked out
of Oshaughnessy's.

Were you drinking at O'shaughnessy's?

No, no. I was there
for the fine Irish Cuisine.

Excuse me,
but if you were drunk when you fell…

Maybe you shouldn't
be suing Mr and Mrs Yourba.

Mr Marsh, were you drunk?

No, not really.

That's why I stopped for a six-pack.

I don't want to judge you here…

But don't you think you share
responsibility for slipping and falling?

That's for the court to decide Dharma,
they'll apportion responsibility.

But Greg, if Mr March doesn't
assume responsibility for his life…

How is he going to grow as a human being?

She's got you there.

What about your neck,
all the pain and suffering?

Now he's got you.

That's it.

Sit up straight,
head above back straight.

Good.

Oh my god, yeah there's your problem.

How's that?

That's amazing.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Just remember this is temporary.
The real problem is your life…

And as soon as you assume responsibility
for it you'll be able to change it.

Do you think I drink too much?

Do you think you drink too much?

Yeah…

I should call Mr Vera-pang, and apologize
for throwing up in his freezer case.

-There's a phone in the living room.
-Thank you.

Now I understand why you love
the law you really get to help people.

Anyway, long story short, that's why
I sleep naked after I play basketball.

Patricia, did I mention that Gregory
is in private practice now?

Really?

I'm looking for someone
to handle my divorce.

You and Garibo are getting divorced?

Dharma, Patricia and Guillermo
are not married.

So he's not a tennis pro,
he's a tennis pro.

Kitty had a hell of a tennis pro,
big strapping fellow.

-Anyway…
-Really improved her game.

I noticed right away.

-He was…
-An actual tennis pro.

You are a very sexy woman.

Thank you guillermo…

And I am very sexy man.

I'm teaching him english.

Well bravo.

Mrs Richfield, I'd be happy
to take a look at your case.

That would be wonderful.

It's really very cut and dried.

Not one of those divorces,
with messy emotional issues.

Well uh stop by
and we'll start the paperwork.

Well I think this
worked out marvelously for everyone.

Especially Ralph Richfield.

He'll be able to get one of those condos
down at the Marina.

You are a very sexy man.

Thank you Geronimo.

Let me give you our address
and phone number.

Hello!

Am I the only one here concerned
that a marriage is ending…

And there are no emotional issues.

Yes.

How long were you and Ralph married?

years.

Where did you meet him?

At a dance.

He asked you to dance?

No, actually…

I had to ask him to dance.

He was so shy.

You fell in love with him right there.

Huh yes.

OK, I guess you won't need this.

Clean sheet day!

Don't you love clean cheat day?

They're all crisp, and % dog hair free.

That's it? That's how you celebrate
clean sheet day?

You're like the Grinch
who stole clean sheet day.

Dharma, I'm reading.

VCR instruction manual?

You're mad at me? I'm not mad.

The veins in your temple are pulsing.
I'm not mad.

You want to know what's bothering me?

-I will tell you what's bothering me.
-Wait.

Wait!

-What's the rule?
-Dharma.

We agreed we don't poison
the marital bed with arguing.

We're not arguing.

I think we are.

All right.

Okay, go ahead.

I am trying to start a legal practice…

And it's a little difficult when you
keep fixing my clients problems.

So, these people who come to you,
you don't want to help them.

Of course, I want to help them
but in a court of law.

With emotions and maneuvering…

And a shark like ferociousness,
masked by boyish good looks.

Boy, you've really thought this through.

Haven't you a girl wrote it in
my yearbook.

Okay…

I think I get it.

Even though I don't think
it's the right kind of help…

I should let you help them.

Yes.

Fine, I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.

Sorry I care about people.

-All right, get up.
-What'd I say?

I care about people, I care a lot.

That's why I got into the law.
I use the law to protect people.

I know you do honey,
that was a snide comment I apologize.

Thank you.

-I really respect and admire what you do.
-Thank you.

But you have to admit Greg…

In an ideal world
we wouldn't need lawyers.

Get up.

Larry, please come to bed.

He's got to pay.

Good neighbors don't
resolve their disputes with v*olence.

I'm not using v*olence…

I'm using Ted Nugent.

Hey.

Dharma, I have a…

A client coming over any minute.

I know I promised not to be here
but I have to wait for the shower.

Cause Pete and jane are using it.

Why?

Because they like
to have sex in the shower…

And their hot water's not working…

And it's really tough
for Pete when the cold water hits.

Got it.

Thank you.

It's funny, cause she says
he's fine in the ocean.

Hi, Mr Norton. Come on in.

This is my wife Dharma.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too, and that is
the last you'll hear out of me.

I didn't realize
you work out of your home.

Yeah, I have an office down the hall,
but some friends of ours are…

Why don't we just have a seat here.

I'm a little nervous,
there's a lot of money involved.

Understandable, so?

How can I help you?

I want to sue my mother.

Your mother?

She forced me to go partners
with her in this restaurant.

Forced you?

I can't say no to her.

Which is why my wife left me.

Anyway, I noticed some discrepancies
in the books.

-So, I went into mother's room…
-You live with her?

-She lives with me.
-I see.

In her house.

Anyway…

If she needed money
she just could have come to me.

Lord knows, I worship the ground
that woman walks on.

You don't need to sue your mother…

You just need to get out of that house
and start a life for yourself.

Who knows, maybe then
your wife will come back if you.

Cut the damn apron strings.

But then again I'm not a lawyer.

She reminds me of mother.

You're gonna be sorry
you used all your toilet paper.

Larry, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Hey, thanks for your help good buddy.

I'll take it from here.

Larry, you're cleaning this up.

Why?

It's you're a goat.

Are you sure you want to do this?

It was so much fun having you
work at home.

Yeah, it's fun for me too.

But I think that this will project
a more professional image.

Cute secretary, does she type?

I have to share a bathroom
at the dance studio across the hall.

It's only a problem after juice break.

All right, I just hope
this isn't because of me.

Absolutely not. I just need
a quiet place without distractions.

There's somebody in there, honey.

Maybe it's a little bit because of you.

These are some really crappy offices.

Would you watch your mouth
in front of the ballerina, Pete?

I saw her that's why I said crappy.

-What can I do for you Pete?
-I need a lawyer.

You are a lawyer.

I'm a crappy lawyer.

Why do you need a lawyer?

Nothing in our apartment is working.

I want to sue the landlord.

What? You're gonna sue Mrs Spinoza, Pete?

She's such a sweet old lady.

You promised.

Yes I did, I'm sorry.

Go ahead Pete.

Anyway, she won't return any of our calls,
so I want to sew her…

For . million dollars.

How how did you arrive at that figure?

The stove doesn't work,
so we've had to eat out a lot.

You know, we took cabs, I tip big.

And then…
the the terrible emotional damages.

That's the point.

You know, how humiliating it is...

when you're trying to do it in the
shower and the cold water…

Stop!

Pete, I'm gonna refer you
to one of my esteemed colleagues.

You want me...

to get a lawyer out of the yellow pages?

Or a plumber or a psychiatrist,
whatever you need.

Wait a minute...

-Pete's not gonna be one of your clients?
-Nope.

-Can I have him?
-Sure, but keep him outside.

Thanks, come on Petey.

Juice break.

You sure you don't want to some biscotti?

I can't eat them
maybe when I can afford new teeth.

Dunk them, you old cry baby.

-Now fix our shower.
-Jane.

There's no way to talk. No, she's right.

I promise to fix the shower.

I called the plumber but he no call back.

What about the stove
the stove hasn't worked for three months.

Oh that's terrible.

I cook for you what time you
eat the dinner.

-Like : , : .
-Pete.

We left a hundred messages
on your machine you never call us back.

I'm sorry I don't
know how to work at that phone machine.

You press the damn button is how.

Sofia, this Aprimo.

I'll be little late...

I have to pick up my new glasses...

and then I'll take the cable car...

and then I come home to you.

My poor Primo...

they gave him wrong glasses,

and when the cable car come...

he upped to it too soon.

That message is all I have left of him.

Yeah...

well if you don't fix
our stuff I erase it.

-Jane!
-No!

Nobody is erasing anybod.

Why don't you let me handle this?

Mr Spinoza...

were you gonna bring dinner over,
or should we come...?

Pete, go.

Oh, Primo.

Why you leave me.

Come, come, Sit down.

-Do you want some tea?
-Thank you.

Sugar? Just a little.

All right.

A little more.

A little more.

That's it too much.

Okay.

Here we go, that's too full.

Sorry.

How's that?

You know what this'll be mine.

Now listen, I know we can
handle this without a lawsuit.

I hope so.

But Pete, and Jane are not...

the only tenants in the building
who are having a problem.

I know I'm a terrible landlady.

Don't say that. It's a true.

It's just there's
so much repairs and no money to fix.

Well let's talk about that.

When was the last
time you've raised the rent?

You people are like my own children.

I no can tell anybody I raised the rent.

You don't have to, I'll tell them.

You do that for me absolutely.

… Is there anything else you need?

This is too cold.

Hey.

Hi Larry, come on in.

Well well well...

-Very fancy.
-Thanks.

Desk...

chair...

you got a copying machine?

-Right over there.
-Great.

What are you doing? Get off of there.

Hold on, I just need a couple of pictures
to paste in my neighbor's window.

Hey, right in here.

I can't believe
you let strangers sit on your toilet.

It's hard to believe.

Um just out of curiosity did
your neighbor ask for these pictures.

You bet he did.

He destroyed my
property vandalized my home.

-Sprayed water in Abby's face.
-Oh my God, Why?

Greg...

who knows why crazy people do things.

Have you considered taking legal action?

What do you mean?

We could get a restraining
order on for starters, and then...

you know maybe suing for damages.

-You think I have a case?
-Absolutely.

All right, let's do it.

Here...

take a picture, it'll last longer.

Hello, mr spinosa!

Be right there.

I brought you a list of all the stuff
that needs to be repaired.

I fixed some of the things myself.

But you're still gonna need a...

plumber and electrician,
and someone from the zoo...

cause I think we've got some
kind of super rats living in the basement.

I swear one asked me for a cigarette.

That sounds terrible.

Good luck.

What do you mean, good luck?

Those are the last two.

Here's a stupid question going somewhere?

I'm going on the cruise.

Really? I thought you were broke.

I was.

But then a beautiful angel
raised everybody's rent.

What about everything
that needs to be repaired in the building?

Oh. No.

What do you mean, no?

I thought about it.

And then I decide...

a cruiser would be a lot more fun.

But I promised all the tenants
that everything would be taken care of.

Then they're gonna be mad at you.

Ciao.

Hey...

I guess we'll talk about everything when
you get back.

You are coming back right.

Am I just a big dope.

Over the zinnias...

through the shrubs...

look out hot tub.

Here it comes.

It worked. It worked.

What's going on?

You want to know what's going on?
I'll tell you What's going on.

That jackass counter-sued me.

That's okay I expected that.

We'll still win,
you haven't done anything.

You didn't do anything, did you larry?

I want to talk to my lawyer before I
say anything.

I am your lawyer. What is that thing?

Who said it was a catapult?

-Larry, have you seen my laundry soap?
-What do you mean?

I mean I bought a -pound box
of laundry soap from the co-op...

and I can't find it.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

Larry pounds
of laundry soap doesn't just fly away.

It might we don't know that.

Am I missing something here?

Please tell me, you didn't catapult
the laundry soap...

into your uncle's backyard.

Uncle? You didn't tell me
that your neighbor was your uncle.

He's my uncle,
and he flooded my Y K shelter.

You have a Y K shelter? Not anymore.

He flooded your shelter cause
you tapped into his phone line.

Not gonna be his phone line
when it was in my backyard.

Why did you tap into his phone line?

I wanted a phone in my shelter.

I can't
believe you didn't tell me any of this?

You seem so excited about having a case.

I didn't want to ruin it for you.

So what's our next move?

Hi. Hey.

Why didn't you answer the phone?

Cause it's just another death thr*at
from one of our neighbors.

Why do you have soap on your shoes?

I was over at your folks,
I met your great uncle Herb.

He doesn't like your father.
Yeah that goes way back.

I can't believe I'm gonna take
up the court's time...

because two bucket heads can't
talk to each other.

At least you're not grandma Geppetto's
little sucker puppet.

Can I interest
you in a tenant landlord case?

That requires some shark-like ferocious.

Sure. How about a long-standing
family feud between a couple of lunatics.

Oh I love these.

Come on, we'll get started in the morning.

There she is.

It is for you.

Calm down. Calm down.

You want to sue her.

Yeah.