03x11 - Lawyers, Beer and Money

[bunniefuu]

Wouldn't it be great
to live in a world where...

everything could be settled
with a handshake?

Hi, I'm Greg Montgomery; Attorney at law.

Maybe someday it will be that simple.

But until then
if you have a legitimate legal problem...

you need an honest reputable advocate.

Someone you can trust.

You may never need me...

but aren't you glad to know I'm here.

I know I am... whoa...

Cut!

Let's take it from your
last line Mr Montgomery.

And action.

You may never need me...

but aren't you glad to know I'm here?

Oh, he's not gonna do the whole thing?

But aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am.

Could I just say yam?

I think I'm hungry, I probably
said that because I think I'm hungry.

But aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am.

I know.

I am.

Oh, what's the line?

I am.

I know I am.

Yes! Oh!

Oh, I shouldn't say that.

But aren't you glad to know yam here?

He said yam.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really yam.

You may never need me...

but aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am.

Yes! Take , nailed it.

Well, uh...

what'd you think?

Gregory, how could you do this to me?

I'm sorry, exactly what did I do to you?

I don't even know where to begin.

I uh... Edward.

-Well...
-We have done everything for you.

We sent you to the finest schools.

You could have been anything
you wanted to be.

And here you are, selling yourself
on television, like some sort of a...

a magic mop.

OK, dad?

Well...

You see, you've broken
your father's heart.

Just because he did a commercial?

I agree with Edward.

Advertising causes desire...

desire causes discontent...

and discontent causes suffering.

Therefore the cause
of all suffering... is advertising.

And w*r and disease.

I'm sorry Greg. I think you're
encouraging people to litigate,

the same way g*n commercials
encourage them to sh**t each other.

There are no g*n commercials.

Small victory.

And b*ll*ts.

b*ll*ts cause suffering.

Hold on a second.

Don't you think I know that most of the
lawyers that advertise on television...

are sleazy ambulance chasers.

But why can't a lawyer with integrity...

show people that
there's another choice out there?

So that when someone's being
oppressed by injustice, Larry...

they can call me for help.

And maybe I'll make a little
money doing that...

unless there's something wrong
with the free market system, dad?

-Well...
-Soon that phone is gonna ring...

and at the other end
is gonna be someone...

who really needs my help and
has nowhere else to turn.

Okay, maybe not now but...

eventually.

Whoa, freaky.

Let me!

Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.
How may I direct your call?

Please hold, I'll see if he's in.

Thank you for calling,
your call is very important to us...

and will be answered in the order in which
it...

Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.

Yes, the commercial.

Thank you, thank you very much.

How can I help you?

Dharma, it's for you.

They...

They want you to be in their commercial.

Hello!

Thank you.

Yes, it was my first commercial.

No, I don't have an agent.

But I do have a lawyer.

I'm gonna have you talk to him.

They liked my work.

I can't believe I'm gonna be
in a beer commercial.

Listen Dharma, we need to talk about
how to handle these negotiations...

before these guys come in.

Anaconda Ale...

the beer that squeezes
the life out of you.

Come on, be serious.
There's a lot of money involved here.

Anaconda Ale...

hide your pets.

Are you done?

Sadly yes.

Okay, now listen.

We know...

when your loved ones say AA?

reach for Anaconda Ale.

Now in family size.

Done.

While we're here,
I'm not your husband, I'm your lawyer.

Which means you have
to trust me to handle the negotiations.

I trust you completely.

They're going to want to get you
for nothing...

and I want to get you
the best deal possible.

So there might be a lot of back and forth,
it might get a little heated.

Are you trying to turn me on?

Just let me do the talking.
These TV ad guys can be pretty slick.

Because you are.

I am so sorry, we kept you waiting.

It's my fault.
I was on the phone with my Mum...

it's her birthday.

Pretty slick.

Hi, I'm Greg Montgomery...

-This is my client Dharma.
-Montgomery.

No relation.

I'm Jay, and this is Adam.

This is very exciting.

We've been k*lling ourselves...

trying to find the right woman
to be our spokesperson.

And then yesterday I turned on
the TV channel... ,

or something way up there.

And...

I saw your commercial.

And that's why you're here.

Well, maybe we're here.

Or maybe we're running late?

For the sake of argument,
let's uh say we're here.

What exactly would be the terms?

It's scale payment plus residuals.

-Touching.
-Wait Dharma.

Maybe Kitchen, could be kitchen.

We'll know when we get here.

I think what my client's saying is
you've made a nice opening offer.

It's kind of our only offer.

Also, we should ask if you're OK
working with a six-foot snake?

A six-foot snake?

This just keeps getting better and better.

Excuse us for a moment.

You're making it difficult
for me to negotiate.

Greg, I would do this for
a box of doughnuts, and a poke in the eye.

We may not be as far apart
as I initially thought.

I've been shipwrecked
on this island for three weeks.

-I didn't know anyone else was here.
-That's so.

What can I get you?

You wouldn't happen to have
an Anaconda Ale, would ya?

Coming up.

Do you have an opener?

Do I have an opener?

Get it.

Let me know when you're ready for another.

Anaconda Ale... hide your pants.

Anaconda Ale, Anaconda brewing company,
Anaconda Wisconsin.

Anaconda Ale on me, everybody.

Anaconda Ale!

Hide your pants!

-Wasn't she great?
-That's my girl.

Never mind.

Excuse me, but what happened
to advertising being the root of all evil?

Evil knievel, my kid's on TV?

How are you gonna spend all that money?

Well, I'd like to do something for
the community.

-Give something back.
-Good for you.

-You know that vacant lot down the street?
-yeah.

I'm thinking Ferris wheel.

But first I'm going to pay back the loan
Greg checkout for his luck commercial.

No honey I'll pay back the loan
with the money I earn.

No, I'll pay it back
with the money I earned.

Because the money you earn is yours.

So what's the money you earn?

That's ours.

OK, I don't want to rock the boat here...

because I think I'm getting
a pretty sweet deal.

But can you explain that to me?

Sure, it's simple
the money you earn is yours and...

the money I earn is ours.

It's so much clearer when
you repeat exactly what you just said.

All I'm saying is that...

I'd be more comfortable
paying my bills with the money I earn.

Because I'm a woman?

No, it has nothing to do with that.
It's just that...

the money you earn is your money.

And the money I earn is ours.

Hey Pete, that in my savings account,
is that mine or ours?

That's gone.

Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I'm very happy
with my long-distance carrier.

No, I'm not interested
in the friends and family package.

Frankly, I'm more in touch with them
than I want to be.

Let me ask you a question, do you ever
reach out and smack someone program?

It's not a chasing if it's parked.

Hold the door!

Hey, I know you.

You're the guy from the law commercial.

Hey, good news. I finally got a case.

Honey, that's great.
If I'd known, I would have used tongue.

You know how you say
the universe provides?

Well, the universe provided a pothole...

and this guy fell in it
and broke his foot.

And I just happened to be there,
I didn't have to chase him, or anything.

Well that is good news.

I brought you these.

I wanted you to share in my success.

These are beautiful, I like them.

Hey, I have some good news too.

I just got my first pay-check
from the commercial.

Please tell me
you didn't buy a Ferris wheel.

No, that was just crazy talk.

Those things are pricey.

But I did get...

skee-ball, papa sh*t, whack-a-mole
and one bumper car.

One bumper car?

Yeah, I'm not sure
how much fun that's gonna be.

But...

I had some money left over
so I bought you a present.

Oh honey you didn't have to do that.

Why not you bought me these flowers.

-You bought this for me?
-Uh-huh...

The biggest one that fit through the door.

I really love these flowers.

Perfect!

Hey, I heard you got a...

Oh sweet mother of God.

Yeah.

-Does it have a good picture?
-I don't know.

What are you waiting for?
Let's turn it on, let's worship it.

I can't.

-Why not?
-I don't know I just can't.

Okay.

Your wife got you a big gift
with her big giant pay-check...

and you're afraid that if you accept it...

then that means
you're no longer a real man.

Pete, not now.

Listen buddy,
you're thinking about this all along.

So you're not a real man, who cares?

Please go away.

The sweetest two years of my life was...

when I was living with
that rich I met down the marina.

eating like a king driving around town
on her Chrysler Imperial.

She used to buy me little outfits.

-So, a big deal once a week...
-Stop it.

She was a dried up old gila monster.
But let me tell you something...

she did things young gals will not do.

-Come on, turn it on.
-No.

-Why not?
-There's nothing good on.

Who cares if it's good? It's big.

Pete...

please.

All right man.

Let me tell you something, me and
the boys used to say around the marina.

She wants it more than once a week,
you ask for a car.

Out!

In your name.

Does he like glued to it / ?

No, actually I don't
even think he's turned it on.

But anyway he's been pretty distracted
with getting his law practice going...

so I thought these
would help cheer him up.

What'd you get, p*rn?

No, my guys don't like to see an -inch
diagonal penis in their living room.

Hey.

-Where's the new TV?
-I returned it.

-What? Why?
-It was way too big for the apartment.

So I'll buy you a smaller big one.

No, it's OK. I don't need you
to buy me a TV.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means if I need a TV,
I'll go and buy myself a TV.

Jane, I think you better go.

-Oh, Mum and Dad are gonna fight.
-Jane.

I'll be at grandma's.

Dharma, don't make a big deal
out of this. It's just a TV.

That I bought, because I love you.

And I thank you very much for it.

But I got you a complete refund, so
now you can spend that money on yourself.

I don't want a refund.
I want to spend the money on you.

And I don't want you to,
so let's just drop it.

No I'm not gonna drop it.

What about all the presents
you bought for me?

Should I go return these earrings
and get a refund so...

If you're to be childish
we can't have this kind of...

Childish?

Jane!

I'm not being childish, I bought you
a present, and you just returned it.

That is the meanest thing
you have ever done.

-Maybe I'm just mean.
-Yeah, maybe you are.

-Dhrama!
-We are closed.

You want to take a
whack at me with that thing?

No.

Listen, this...

this isn't about the TV.

The TV is just a symbol of...

another issue, or issues.

Okay.

For the first time in my life I'm failing.

I thought I could start this practice
without any help from anyone.

No referrals from my parents,
no money from the trust fund.

And I've fallen flat on my face.

The commercial was a stupid idea.

The only client I have,
I actually did have to chase...

because the ambulance started
to pull away.

Why didn't you tell me any of this?

Because...

things were going so well for you.
I didn't want...

to bring you down, and I didn't want
you to think you were married to a loser.

You stupid mole.

How could you think that
I would think that? I love you.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I understand.

Thank you for telling me all this.

Thank you for letting me.

I can't believe you bought all this stuff.

Well, enjoy it while you can.

-Tomorrow it's gone.
-Why?

I'm trading it
all in for a used tilt-a-whirl.

I can't tell you how relieved I am,
that we got all this out in the open.

Me too.

So you're fine with
me having them bring the TV back?

Oh god, no.

Why not?

Honey, it's just...

your money is your money.

And my money...

is our money.

I really am getting this now.

It's supposed to be dumb.

Thanks for understanding. You're welcome.

-Excuse me, can I have the check please?
-What are you doing?

Baby steps I'm using a small
piece of my money as our money.

No, this is my way of apologizing.
I'll buy dinner.

If you really want to apologize
you'll let me buy you dinner.

I don't see how this is any step
towards anything...

because I have no problem
with you buying me dinner.

-It's just, you know, dinner.
-Good.

I'll take that when you're ready.

Would you give me your
card and I'll put it in here...

-so we can go...
-Don't touch that check.

We all set here?

I'm getting this.

That's my birthday.

Why didn't you say so?

We have a birthday.

No way.

It's not my birthday.

My wife is buying me dinner.

Baby steps...

no big deal.

If we're fine with it we certainly
don't owe you people an explanation.

Let's go honey.

We're going now. That's a decision
she's made, and I'm okay with it.

Really.

I think you handled that very well.
Thank you.

Hey, why you think dinner's free?

Let me know when you're ready for another.

Let me know when you're ready for another.

-I'm sorry, he's crawling into my pants.
-yes, it's up there.