03x18 - A Night to Remember

[bunniefuu]

I love your lipstick, Anita.

It's not lipstick, I just ate a Popsicle.

Well, it's a very good flavor on you.

Price check, low fat goat's milk.

-How's it going with the two of you?
-Real good.

Did you give her the poem you wrote?

You wrote, I didn't have much to do it.

That's not true.

I probably…

wouldn't have written her
a poem if it wasn't for you.

I'll be right back,
I'm gonna get a price.

-So, what happened with the poem?
-Well, it worked.

She wants to go out again?

I think, she wants to have sex.

Really, what did she say?

I want to have sex.

Can I write a poem or what!

Hey!

Guess who's going to have sex?

If it's not me, I don't need to know.

Why don't we come over tomorrow…

and I'll give you some points
on how to please a woman.

You… you what?

Don't worry, it's not what
you're thinking, I'm just gonna…

make sure he knows where
a woman's erogenous zones are.

That's like three times
worse than what I was thinking.

That's going to be cool.

Hey you, come here.

Remember, shave your legs
the day off or not.

Hey, you guys remember Donald?

Oh sure, Donald, of course.

He's that nice boy lives in our building,
and works in the grocery store.

Oh, Donald, thanks.

Anyway, great news. Looks like
he's going to lose his virginity.

Oh good. I was hoping we'd talk
about this some more.

Greg doesn't like
to talk about sex, unless…

he's having sex then he's pretty chatty.

I just don't think that whatever
goes on between Donald and…

-Anita.
-Is any of our business.

Greg, in many cultures…

the breaking of the hymen or
the penises first vaginal penetration…

is celebrated by the whole tribe.

Okay, I'm done.

This is a milestone that a person
remembers for their entire life.

You know, like your first kiss
or your first steps.

Oh your first steps.

-I remember that like it was yesterday.
-Me too.

Hold on, you remembere
taking your first steps?

Sure, remember Abby?

I was still kind of bald
so I had that little knit cap on…

-with the red fuzzy ball on top.
-Yeah.

You lost that hat.

No, actually it's under the couch at
grandma's along with a couple pieces that…

pumpernickel toast
she was always pushing.

You can't possibly remember that.

Remember? I wish I could forget.

Breast milk and pumpernickel do not mix.

Well, what's your earliest memory, Greg?

Me?

Everything before you said
vaginal penetration's kind of a blurry.

Come on, seriously honey,
when's your first childhood memory?

I don't know.

At eight or nine whenever you go to
your first mock senate.

That's too bad.

Why?

What's your earliest memory.

Oh gosh um…

I remember looking up
and seeing this big beautiful horse…

and then all of a sudden…

the belly burst open and all these
Greek soldiers started pouring out.

Are you talking about the Trojan w*r?

We called it the w*r of Greek aggression.

Honey, all your memories are there, you
just have to find ways to trigger them.

You know what…

let's try a little experiment.

Scent is a very powerful trigger.

We'll take this vanilla extract…

Greg, you smell it,
tell us what it brings to mine.

I don't know,
I'm not really getting anything.

Don't feel bad.

It's it's really hard.

Come on, close your eyes and try again.

-Oh my god.
-What?

Well, there was this…

good humor man who used to
drive through our neighborhood but…

but my mother
would never let me have any…

because no son of hers was
gonna eat anything from a truck.

But one time the maid snuck out
and brought me a nutty buddy.

But my mother caught us
and she sent me to my room.

Oh, that's so sad.

No, I got off easy,
she sent the maid back to El Salvador.

Hey, let me try.

Vanilla.

Donald, what have your folks told you
about pleasing a woman?

Cause there's no use in me going
over stuff they've already covered.

Well…

they focus mainly
on disease control and hygiene.

Okay so you're scared and clean, good.

Now let's get to the fun stuff.

What do you know about the female orgasm.

Wouldn't that be more in the
woman's bailiwick.

You think so but when it comes
to sex your bailiwicks should overlap.

Hey!
hey!

You're just in time I was
just explaining to Donald…

the man's responsibility
in the female orgasm.

Great.

He's not much of a talker…

but let me tell you that is a man
who will not quit until the job is done.

Free sample of high karate.

Free? Solid.

Now the important thing to remember…

is to enjoy the journey,
be in the moment…

don't just touch her body…

feel the warmth of her skin
touching your hand.

Dharma, this might be
a good time for another break.

Why don't we just change the
subject and talk about setting the mood.

That or current events?

It's important that you choose
a location that's comfortable for both.

Okay.

That's comfortable for both of you.

Because sex starts…

long before sex actually starts.

I'm more concerned about
it being over, before it actually starts.

That's why it's very important to choose…

a romantic relaxing location
for you to make love.

Once you have more experience you could
do it in the bathroom of a Barnes Noble…

with the manager banging on the door,
but you're not there yet.

Well, we've got a couple
really good options.

If we can figure out how to take
the bench out of her mom's suburban.

There's that.

Or… my grandfather's blind so
if we're real quiet, we can use his place.

Ok, those are both good but what
about your bedroom?

Oh no.

My mother doesn't even
let me take food in there.

Donald, you need a place
where you can light some candles…

play some music, maybe burn some incense.

You mean like here?

Oh I would be honored.

Greg, however…

-would go completely mental.
-Yeah, I understand…

or you could use my parents place.

But my mom would stand
outside the door drumming and chanting…

if you weren't raised with that,
that could really throw you off your game.

Dharma, did you know that
the guy at the news stand downstairs…

remembers leaving Pakistan
when he was months old?

Yes, I did.

Did you know he could put
his whole fist in his mouth?

No.

Listen, I've got this crazy idea what…

what do you think if I...

If I spent the night in my old room
at my parents house.

You know, so I could smell stuff.

It's not crazy, honey…

crazy is going into a stranger's room
and smelling their stuff.

I'll go pack a bag.

You realize what this means?

Based on his comments I can
only infer that…

he's using olfactory stimulation
to trigger childhood memories.

Donald you and Anita can
have sex in our bedroom tonight.

I got that too.

I'm just in fear-based denial.

Don't worry you're ready.

I'll take the dogs
and I'll sleep at my parents.

Are you gonna tell Greg?

No, he's got enough going on right now…

he doesn't need to be distracted
by being all mad at me.

Whipped cream.

Candles.

Grapes.

Condoms.

Hi Anita!

Hi!

Paper or plastic?

You choose, it's all for you.

-Thanks.
-Now, listen,

it's your responsibility to
tell Donald what your body needs.

I already told him, beer and chips.

Trust me Anita you don't need alcohol.

This is your first time.

You want to be present and aware
of every caress, every tender kiss.

Every wham, every bam.

The only intoxicant
you and Donald need is love.

Love?

Look…

I don't know what Donald
told you, but here's my deal…

I just don't want
to go to college a virgin.

Oh Anita, I think Donald
might be in love with you.

Oh man!

I should have known
after that stupid poem.

Stupid?

Do you have any idea
how hard it was for…

him, probably, to write it? Listen.

Maybe you ought to postpone this until
you can think it through.

Well, there's nothing to think through.
I just want to have sex.

Understandable, but Donald's a man,
he has feelings.

I'm sorry, I have to get back to work.

Well, if you want, call me to talk.

Pump them and dump them.
Oh man I miss dating.

Anyway, if you need me I'll be
in my old room smelling stuff.

What did he say?

He said he'd be
in his room smelling stuff.

Oh, all right.

Is that something
we should be concerned about?

Hey Ab…

do you remember on your th birthday…

I forgot where I hid your present?

Not really.

Happy birthday.

-Where was it?
-Right where I left it.

Janis Ian, Between the lines…

on track.

Remember…

it's what you asked for.

Thank you.

-How are we gonna listen to it?
-Easy…

I'll find the -track player.

It's on a shelf…

in a hall closet.

Did you know we lived in Boulder?

Gregory?

-Am I interrupting?
-Hold on.

Did I play t-ball?

I wouldn't know.

So listen dear, has this little…

memory experiment born any fruit?

Nothing yet.

Well, in the event it does,
I thought I might be able to…

clarify some things for you.

Like what?

Well for example…

your allergy to bees.

How could I forget that, I couldn't…

run barefoot outside, I couldn't…

go camping, I couldn't climb trees.

Well, funny thing about that dear.

You were never actually stung by a bee.

You have no allergy, I…

made it up.

You made it up?

Well, you insisted on running around
and getting filthy…

and it seemed like a clever solution.

Anyway, you stayed inside…

you studied hard and went to Harvard,
so it all worked out.

Bye-bye.

I'm trying to separate out my feelings.

Am I protecting Donald from getting hurt?

Or am I…

just mad at Anita because she…

got all snotty about my poem?

Abby…

the Betamax and another
garage door opener.

Very good Larry.

Dharma, can I toss my two cents in here?

-Sure.
-How well do you recall…

Kahlil Gibran's the prophet?

-A little.
-Let me refresh your memory.

Gibran writes…

and I quote…

"Think not you
can direct the course of love…

"for love, if it finds you worthy…

directs your course."

And don't forget there are
powerful physical urges at work here.

I remember one summer…

when I was a boy.

It was a hot day…

I was running through the sprinkler…

when my grandmother came out of
the house and said…

kerouf off the nisht vest de veren blint.

Which is Yiddish for;
Take your hand out of your bathing suit…

before you go blind.

Larry, that's amazing.

It's also a myth.

Back to my main point.

Consider Shakespeare's
words in a midsummer night's dream…

the course of true love.

No!

My hi karate.

Larry, relax we'll get some more.
We can't.

They stopped making it in …

... Oh god.

Come back!

Dog…

Larry, it's Nunzio.

Tell him I'll call him back,
I gotta catch the dog.

-Hello!
-Hi, come on in.

Smelling your clarinet I see.

Well, I'll make this short.

You were a natural
right-hander and I...

trained you to be a lefty.

What?

you were kind of slight as a kid,
and I thought…

being a southpaw would give you an
advantage in sports like Sandy Koufax.

I don't ever remember us…

playing catch.

We couldn't, turns out
you were allergic to bees.

I don't believe this.

Dad, there is research that proves that…

forcing a child to use
his non-dominant hand can cause…

severe psychological problems.

Really?

Well sorry won't happen again.

Come in.

Dharma?

What are you doing here?
Anita will be here in a second.

I just wanted to talk to you before you…

is that my robe?

I thought it was Greg's.

-I'll go change.
-No, no it's okay.

You look cute in it.

Donald, I have to be honest with you.
I'm having second thoughts about tonight.

What do you mean?

Well I'm concerned that Anita…

doesn't have the same
deep feelings for you as you do for her.

Really?

Really.

So she doesn't want to have sex?

No she wants to have sex but I just…

don't think she loves you.

But she does want to have sex.

Yes, but in a loveless mechanical
matter of that kind of way.

But again, she does want to have sex?

-Donald, listen to me.
-No, I understand.

That I'm emotionally vulnerable,
and there's a chance…

that consummating
this relationship's gonna…

end up breaking my heart.

Yes.

Well, I'm willing to take that chance.

I'm not gonna let you do this.

And I might have to k*ll you.

No Dharma, you don't understand.

At any moment I could explode
and level this entire building.

OK.

I got you.

Careful.

Hi…

Look…

don't try and talk me out of
this, I'm going to have sex.

Well if you want
to have it with Donald you better hurry.

He had long beautiful curls
and it was one dress Edward one time.

I think he should know that.

Then I think he should know that your
lawyer took him to the father-son picnic.

They won the wheelbarrow race,
didn't they?

Besides, you were the one who
forgot him at Neiman Marcus.

You forgot him at a bar.

He had his own table,
and I left the tab open.

Dharma, are you there? Are you screening?

Listen, I'm coming home.

It turns out I'm better off
not knowing about my childhood.

I'll see you in a little bit.

-I don't want to bring up tennis.
-I have no idea what you're talking about.

At least when I said I was playing tennis,
I was actually playing tennis.

It always comes back to that, doesn't it?

Till the day you die Edward…

till the day you die.

Pity sex.

I've earned it.

Daddy's very sad.

Why don't you kiss him,
and make it all better.

Mr Montgomery, could you move your hand.

Is Dharma here? Yeah…

Dharma, Donald's here.

Listen Mr Montgomery,
I'm real sorry about what happened.

I don't know what you're talking about.

-Well, last night when…
-Listen to me…

I don't recall anything
that happened last night…

and neither do you.

Hey Donald.

Hi I got this dry cleaned.

I sat on some grapes.

Thanks.

So…

how'd it go with you and Anita last night?
Great it was really amazing.

What little of it I recall.

You're okay with this being
just a one-night stand?

Oh she'll be back for more.

How do you know?

She said I'll be back for more.

What about the poem,
did that ever come up again?

-Hey Greg.
-Hi, what's up?

Hang on.

Jiffy Lube…

I left the van at Jiffy Lube.