03x22 - Your Place Or Mine

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what's doing?

Paying bills.

Hand me the green glitter, please.

Is this glitter really necessary?

No, it is not necessary but it's cute
and it makes people happy.

Like nipples on a guy.

Okay.

What's this?

It's a thank you note
to the gas company...

telling them what we've been
up to with their gas this month.

Do you really have to tell them
that we have sex in the shower?

No hot water, no hot Greg.

I can see your point. And Greg.

What's this bayside storage?

That's nothing I'll pay that.

Why I got the chequebook, the glitter,
the juicy food...

I just need to know
what we're thanking them for.

Bayside storage it's...

a storage company on the bay...

side.

-What are we storing?
-It's just...

some stuff.

Greg?

What are the odds?
I'm not just gonna let this go.

See?
It's nothing.

What is all this?

Just the stuff that was
in my apartment...

before we got married,
and I moved into your place.

-You said you got rid of it.
-I did. I got rid of it, here.

Well why didn't
you sell it or give it away.

Dharma, things moved pretty fast
between us at the beginning...

and I didn't think I should do anything...

hasty.

You mean in case things didn't work out?

How could things not work out?
We were so much in love.

We're still so much in love.

You know in this fluorescent light
you are so pretty.

So you've always been sure about us?

Yet here we are...

two and a half years later and you've got
a storage locker full of your old stuff.

I know that's how it looks.

So all this stuff is just
ready and waiting...

in case the freaky chick
turns out to be a big mistake.

-No.
-Then why do you still have it?

I know, it's a tough question.

Why don't you sleep in your
old place tonight...

to think about it.

And that's why I should pay the bills.

What are you doing?

What?

Where have you been? I was worried sick.

I've been looking all over for you.
Why didn't you come home?

You told me not to.

So you come here and
you sleep in your office?

I have a toothbrush here.

Exactly how many
backup apartments do you have.

Listen to me, mister.

I was wrong about all that stuff
in your storage locker.

If you had bothered
to come home last night,

I would have apologized your brains out.

By the way
I've just come from your folks,

and I'm pretty ticked
at you for me waking them up.

You forgive me?

I forgave you the minute
I walked into our apartment...

and realized it's filled
with all my stuff.

You gave up everything when
we got married and I give up nothing.

-So you do forgive me?
-I did.

But this whole not coming home
and sleeping at your office...

because you think I'm mad at you,
and won't forgive you.

This is a whole another jungle
of worms buddy.

Dharma, I'm confused.
Do you want me to come home?

I can't even believe you'd asked that.

So it was all a dream.

Surprise!

Every minute.

What's my old stuff doing here?

Your stuff is our stuff now.

Unbelievable, how did you do this?

Easy, I called everybody
I'd ever helped move...

but they were sick. So I hired a couple of
beefy transvestites down on Polk street.

Are you sure because you know
my stuff's not really your kind of stuff.

It's just stuff I'll get used to it.

Plus you have all kinds of cool gadgets.

Like the ski machine here.

All of the hard work of cross-country
skiing without that pesky scenery.

And this thing.

Oh god, this is great.

I love this thing.

What is it?

It's an electric shoe polisher.

Too bad those little electric shoes
never caught on.

I know it's kind of geeky.

No, it's not. I love it.
I never had any of this stuff.

I want to try it all out.

How's the couch for sex.

I don't know. I never had sex on it.

You big liar, come here.

All right maybe you weren't lying.

-Hi, Greg.
-Hey.

-Hey, Dharma around?
-No, actually she's at work.

What?

This furniture.

What about it?

What's doing here?

It's mine, it's my old stuff.

-That's yours.
-Yeah.

What?

Greg, please don't take this
the wrong way, but I...

I think it's evil.

Come on, you're kidding.

I'm putting aside for a moment
that it's a Feng Shui nightmare.

You filled your home
with the skins of animals...

stretched across cold hard steel.

It's Italian.

Cool, I love these things.

Not now, Larry.

You know there's a guy that invented
a car that runs on this technology.

But the government suppresses
it to keep us dependent on fossil fuels.

Does dharma know about this?
-It was her idea.

Oh green goddess on a cr*cker.

Is she okay? Where is she?

Working. Why wouldn't she be OK?

Greg, my daughter's a sensitive spirit...

and she's always been so in tune
with her environment.

I hate to think what this might do to her.

She's in danger from furniture?

-I have to see the bedroom
-Why?

Greg, please I can't be in here
very much longer.

Oh man!

Now this makes no sense whatsoever.

Oh no...

my baby is sleeping here.

Abby, this is just furniture.

Greg, this furniture isn't healthy.
They've done studies.

What did they do?
Make monkeys sleep on beds like these.

Oh God, I hope not.

Larry, we have to get out of here.
My throat is starting to close up.

Abby, Dharma is fine with this stuff.

She went to a lot of trouble
getting it in here.

Greg, I'll make this simple for you.

-Do you love your wife?
-Of course I do.

Then pack this stuff up
and ship it back to hell.

I love what you're done with the place.

Sure you don't want to go with me?

No thanks.
I really want to meditate.

Okay

you're cool with my
stuff being here, right?

Yeah, I'm totally fine with it.
It's just furniture.

Right, it's just furniture
my point exactly.

-Ok, see you later.
-Bye-bye honey.

At the moment we are
in fact in record territory,

not at Nasdaq but above the old.

We've got losing significant ground
today among the losers.

OK.

Take advantage of the
secret keys that have...

made millions for
hundreds since the late s.

In the time it takes
me to say this sentence...

you could have earned
up to ten thousand dollars.

Not to get rich quick scheme...

no money down,
you were not at risk but you will see...

OK

I can't do anything on this couch.

-You busy?
-No.

Just trying to decide
if I should throw this pen away.

What bring you here?

I got my stuff out of storage...

it turns out I had two of these
and I know you always liked it, so.

Thanks Greg.

Did you ever do three?

And three comes up on the other side.

It's a damnedest thing.

So who gets the other one?

I do.

Dharma put all of her stuff in storage
and decorated the apartment with my stuff.

The hell you say.

Living room furniture, the bedroom set,
the blinds, everything.

Is Dharma's comfortable living
with all your stuff.

Dharma is comfortable living anywhere.

She's very spiritual,
material things don't affect her.

Yeah.

I know a girl like that once.

Then I married your mother.

Everything in this house is hers.

Except for this room, right?

No none of this crap is mine.

Your mother and her fancy decorator
picked all this out.

You mean the furniture, right?

No, everything.

Even the air-planes?

What the hell would I want
toy air-planes for?

I wanted one of those little HO train sets
but your mother and Mr Lorenzo said no.

Two against one.

So this isn't yours?

I don't even know what it is.

I think it's a brass railroad spike.

Oh I guess that's a...

a little screw you from Lorenzo.

But the... the bar globe is yours, right?
-Bar globe?

See.

I'm a son of a g*n. A bar!

That's handy, I keep a bottle in the desk.

-All these years I thought this was you.
-No no.

This is your mother
and some gay guy from Argentina.

This is me.

A beer mug?

It's my college mug it's the only thing
they didn't get.

Ted?
Yeah.

That's what they called me in college.

Ted.

Edward are you in there?

Don't tell your mother about the mug.

In here dear.

-Gregory, hello.
-Hello mother.

You know I was just looking for what...

what on earth is that?

It's... it's a...

Greg brought it.

We're not thinking
of keeping it in here, are we?

No, no, he was just
showing me how it worked.

Besides it...

clashes with my tiny cannon.

-This, you put here.
-The bird must have moved that.

What you doing?

What am I not doing babe? I'm meditating.

I'm skiing in the Alps,
I'm baking bread I'm...

talking to Jane on your
Madonna phone here.

Hang on Jane.

Well, I'm really glad
you're enjoying this stuff.

Stuff? Greg, this is not stuff.

This is a way of life.

Streamlined hyper efficient...

uses every part
of the buffalo way of life.

Hang on jane.

Check out this great idea I had.

Genius money making idea number four...

combine yoga instruction with
dog training, call it...

Stretch and fetch.

-What do you think?
-I don't get it.

That's okay,
you're not my target audience.

-Want to fool around?
-Sure, always.

OK, we don't have a lot of time.

So I'll just be swinging at
the first pitch to throw me.

Let's go, get up...

Jane, I'll put you on hold.

I never cared for this decor...

but it is an improvement.

-It's all Greg's stuff.
-Yes I know.

Her stuff's out, here stuff's in.

-That's what seem.
-And she's fine with it.

But it's very nice for Greg.

Guess whose table this is?

-Should I take out the salad?
-Hang on, check this out.

Three... two... one.

Who's got the power?

Wait.

Go.

What the heck was that?

-These are Greg's dishes.
-Yes I know.

-So are these glasses.
-Give it a rest, Edward.

-So Ed, who do you like in the election?
-Well, I'm a fiscal conservative.

No, no sir, who do you like?
Give me a name.

-Well, now...
-Moving on, Kitty...

how's the charity game going?
Any big events coming up?

Well, I have a lunch...

bottom line me. Are we going
to cure disease this year?

-Well, I certainly...
-A toast to kitty and her fine work.

You people wrap this up,
I'll get the pasta.

Gregory, is Dharma feeling all right?

I think she may have a touch of something.

All right pasta's up.
Let's talk sauce, kitty, what do you like?

Mariner, pesto?

-Well, I haven't had pesto...
-Pesto it is. Ed?

Uh, well...
Two pestos. Good choice.

-Sugar pie, honey bunch?
-Pesto's fine.

Wrong, not enough to go around.
The answer is marinar.

If you want your salad,
you should probably eat it quickly.

Don't touch my mug.

What are you doing,
sitting here in the dark?

I'll ask the questions, what do you think
you're doing with my mug?

For heaven's sakes Edward,
I was putting it away.

It's it's hideous.

Yes and it's mine.

Fine, it's yours. Why don't
I just put it in a drawer...

so that it doesn't clash with the room.

Catherine!

This is my den...

and this is my mug and it's going to stay
out here on the desk where I can see it.

We just tuck it right behind the lamp.

I have a revolutionary w*r flint lock,
and I'm not afraid to use it.

It's Prussian, and it doesn't work.

Ok, I'll throw it at you.
Now, put my mug down.

-Touch your silly mug.
-Good.

And another thing...

from now on I want to be called Ted.

Don't push it Edward.

All right.

We'll just leave it at don't touch my mug.

Abby, forget how I'm feeling.
Let me tell you why I call.

Genius time saving idea.

Two bean salad.

No!

Oh, come on I'm spitting diamonds here.

Let me call you back.

Hey honey.

What you doing?

Nothing.

Enjoy.

So he gave all his furniture to goodwill?

Yeah but if my mom asked, we donated
it to an underprivileged satanic cult.

-Pete!
-Right here.

Quick like a bunny,
go get my dry cleaning.

All right.

Come if there's any change left over
you can get yourself a beer.

There won't be.

Hey, when Pete moved in with you
what did you do with all this stuff?

He got rid of it.

It confused them.

What do you mean?

Well when guys have other
bachelor stuff around...

it gives them a false sense of self-worth.

If you get rid of it they're
completely dependent on you.

And Pete's happy like this?

You saw him,
he thinks he's getting a beer.

I gotta go.

Come on let's go.

Pete!

Dry cleaning first.

Hey, where you been?
I thought you were never coming home.

I've just took the dogs for a walk.

Well I'm sorry I missed
that I'll go with you next time.

Ok, if you like.

Can I ask you something?
Ask me anything you like.

Do you miss having your stuff?
No no no...

it didn't fit in here
and it was silly having it in storage.

But still didn't it make
you feel good just knowing...

-all your guys stuff was there.
-Hey, look at me.

You are all the stuff I need.

Oh you're too too sweet.

What can I say I love you I love you.

I love you too.
-Really? How much? This much?

You... you don't have to do that.

Come sit in with me.

Okay.

What?
Nothing.

Isn't this nice?

Yes.

Tomorrow I was thinking,
maybe we could go down to...

do some painting in the ceramic place

to make a couple of salad bowls like
we saw in that magazine?

-Would you like that?
-Oh you betcha.

I don't know, we were on our way
to the paint your own ceramics place...

next thing I know she makes
me pull over a good will.

We buy everything back and here we are.

-Dharma's amazing.
-Yes, she is.

I had to give up all my
old stuff when I got married.

But you get so much in return.

Yeah.

You do...

anyway...

thanks a lot for helping
me move this stuff.

-I owe you one.
-Oh no, we're square.

Okay, good night.

Now he insists on keeping
his notre dame mug in here...

and as you can see it
fights with the motif.

Yes yes.

So let's lose the hunting lodge theme
and go with something...

collegiate.

I see it, I'm loving it.

I'm thinking small leather helmets, those
old leather helmets sculling over here.

-The globe will have to go of course.
-You're going to take my globe?

It's your own fault, Ted.

About the curtains,
I am thinking whimsico.

I'm smiling already.

A print maybe with little footballs,
and megaphones real bulla bulla.

Yes bulla, definitely bulla.

Where are you going?

To the garage to see
if I can get this thing to work.