04x01 - Mother and Daughter Reunion

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for lunch Abby,
this is delicious

Oh, it's my mother's
three meat goulash,

Of course, instead of pork I put in summer
squash,

instead of veal I use eggplant

What's the third meat?

Zucchini.

That must bring back
memories for you.

Is there any more?

Sure honey i got you some

Abby, you shouldn't be

jumping up and down like that

- You're pregnant

- Well, thanks Larr

What?

Goulash

Oh, it's on the stove pumpkin

So Abby, how have
you been feeling?

Great

We just had another ultrasound
and everything's terrific

We're having a little lower
back pain but that's normal

- Have you been doing those
yoga stretches I showed you?

- We tried

But they put too much
pressure on our bladder

It's our bladder, how about you get
up every minutes and empty it?

We're also a little hormonal

So we probably shouldn't talk
about this in front of us

Have we taken our
prenatal vitamins today?

No, I think we left
them on our bed stand

Would you get
them for me? please

Your bed stand or my bed?
I'll find them

So, do you think he's
gonna get through this okay?

You know, I actually asked the doctor
to give him something to calm him down

- But, well, you know the problem
- Yeah

What problem?

There's not a lot left out there that
my dad hasn't built up a resistance to

- Gabby look what I found
-Oh goodness, oh it's your baby bed

You put a baby in that?

Not just like this, first you lay down a banana
leaf and then a nice soft layer of moss

Moss?

I brought it so you don't have to make a new one

Oh Dharma thanks, but you know, we're getting a crib

Crib? why?

Yeah, why would you get a crib when
your baby can sleep on mulch?

Honey, I count to ten at your parents house

You always said cribs were just little jails for babies

I know

But Dharma, I'm getting too old to chase a
baby around in the middle of the night, honey

I can't tell you how many times I had to crawl
under the house to fish this little rascor

- I was visiting fluffy
- fluffy?

It was a feral, bobcat or a raccoon,
we could never get close enough to tell

He was fluffy

Here we go pillow for your back,
you're reading glasses, slippers

- And?
- Your aromatherapy candle

You forgot what I asked you for, didn't you?

- Oh come on, it has to be one of these

- Vitamins Lair
- I take them, they don't help

♪ Music ♪

Crib for the night, a play pin for the day
This kid's gonna be under hour lockdowns

You know there's a whole school of
thought that cribs are fine

You wait she's gonna put him in diapers

I'm sure she'll use some
environmentally correct cloth thing

Disposable cloth, it doesn't matter,
kids should have free-range tushies

Are you saying you didn't wear diapers at all?

- I was outside a lot
- And, inside?

- Hardwood floors
- Oh god!

I don't even know these people
anymore, they are not my parents

Oh come on, you wore diapers

Greg, you wear those awful things
you learn to hold it in

Next thing you know you're organizing
the credit cards in your wallet by expiration date

That is not because I wore diapers,
I read that in an airline magazine

I didn't want to cause a big scene
with Abby but I really owe it to this baby

It makes perfect sense if the top card isn't expired

You know you're in good shape
all the way through

Hey Larry, put Abby on, will you?

Where?

Okay, thanks

What is it?

Your mother is taking my mother to buy a
baby monitor and a cradle that rocks itself

Sorry, my mother is a terrible woman

She doesn't know me better

Jane, I can't talk now Kate's got my mother

- Jane
- Greg

You do know that
Dharma just left?

She'll be back

Well, is there something
I can do for you?

Thanks Greg, but I need some personal advice
and that's not something you're good at

Okay

But, just for the record another
word for lawyer is; counselor

Not to blow my own horn, but I was
a resident advisor in my college dorm

You know what, I probably
could use a guy's advice on this

If you like, what's going on?

Well, you know Pete and I are trapped
in a hellish loveless marriage, right?

Sure

I think it's starting to bother me

- It's not all bad
- good

Our sex life's actually improved

Of course if you cuff any guy to a headboard and stick a
ball gag in his mouth and he's gonna try a little harder

You know I'll have Dharma
call you as soon as she gets back

A baby leash?
- Trust me, it's a godsend I never could
have handled gregory without it

Of course in those days you
had to buy it in a pet store

- Kitty, I don't know

All right, all right, we'll
just put it by the register

and I'll see if I can find the chew toys

The chew toys?

You know pacifiers, teething rings,
things of that nature

- Hi!
- Hey, what are you doing here?

Larry told me you were here so i thought
I'd come and take you home, come on let's go

- I'm with Kitty
- Yes, and we will talk about that in the car

Quick, i'm double parked

Dharma, What's going on?

Abby look around, this is not you

Changing tables, and jogging
strollers, and plastic baby tubs

What's wrong with a baby tub?

Dharma, it fits in the sink,
you can put it on the counter

What happened to rain
barrels in the backyard?

Or taking a shower with mom?

It's hard to hold a baby
in the shower, Dharma

So, remember how much fun we used
to have playing that great sliding game

Yeah, that wasn't a game you
were slippery and I kept dropping

So, there's always a
sponge or a dog to land on

- It's fun

I know, I'm gonna do things a
little differently this time around hon

- Why?

Well, because that's one of the
blessings of having a second child dharma

You get to learn from the
mistakes you made with the first

Mistakes?

What do you mean by mistakes?

Baby...

Your father and I were a couple of
crazy young kids when you were born

You know, We did a lot of cool stuff, but Dharma
sometimes I think it's a miracle that you're still alive

You didn't make any mistakes
Abby, I had a great childhood

Honey,

We let Timothy Larry babysit for you

He thought, he thought you were twins,

We came home one night and
he was like crying his eyes out

Because a giant flaming
condor flew off with your sister

Hello Dharma, oh Abby, look
at this darling bouncy chair

Oh that that sounds like fun

Okay,

If you think this is better than being dragged
behind the back of dad's bicycle on a blanket

I can't help you

Look, Jane and I are trapped in
an empty loveless marriage

Sure

But not everything about that
marriage stinks, I mean the sex is great

If you give her a pair of thigh-high vinyl boots and
a hot glue g*n she can really stamp your passport

- Hey honey, do you need a hand there?
- No

I'm torn, you know

She bugs the hell out of me

But on the other hand, you
know, I am wearing her underwear

- You know, maybe, I should give her a hand
- So you want to talk about this later?

- No, talk to your wife not me
- When she's angry she doesn't listen

- Wait till she's in a good mood
- By then I got a rubber ball...

Go, go, go!

What's all this?

Gabby packed up my old
stuff to make room for the baby

- So, these are all your old toys?

- Yep, the remnants of what
i'm told was my terrible childhood

Things have not improved with your mother?

She's lost her mind, Greg

According to her everything
in my childhood was a mistake

Well, sure, but you
know, you turned out great

Is that supposed to
make me feel better?

No, why would I want to do that?!

There's nothing wrong with the way I was brought
up, it's this baby that's gonna have problems

You know, she just bought for him a jack-in-the-box
what does a baby need a jack-in-the-box for?

- Babies like to be surprised
- Fine

What happened with putting
a mouse under a dixie cup?

- I don't know why that went away
- Kids don't need stuff like that

When I was little I played with
homemade blocks and puppets

Oh, I had this one toy called shoe boat

- Shoe boat?

Yeah, it was a boat and it was
shaped like a shoe and you could put

people in it, and had little portholes that
looked just like laces, Where would it go?

Ah, here it is !

This is a shoe

Come on, I can see it as a boat,

Ahoy the dock,
ahoy the shoe boat

Man overboard, I'll throw you a shoelace

it's fun it's fun

Stop it!

- It's a shoe Greg, it's a stupid shoe
- I can also see it as a shoe

Oh man, she was right

- Come on, Dharma
- Yeah, but i've been defending all of this

I slept on rope, I played with mice

and this is a shoe

- Yeah honey, but...
- Don't tell me it turned out great you

No, I was always gonna say yeah,

This is a shoe Greg, my
whole childhood is a big joke and

she let me believe it was wonderful

Yeah, but you thought it was wonderful
so what difference does it make?

Difference now is I know
my mother's a hypocrite

You know, she did some things that
were wrong and now she's gonna do it right

She doesn't fix it Greg

It doesn't change the fact that
Abby's been lying to me my entire life

If you asked me, this woman doesn't
deserve to have another baby

- Oh Dharma,
- What?

All I was going to say, no Dharma I don't

If it sounds like a guy with a tennis
ball in his mouth, hang it up, it's Pete

Hello,

Oh my God, no !

- Okay, what hospital?
- What is it?

Something's wrong with the baby

Okay, we're on our way

Can I get you something
to drink, soda or something?

I did this Greg

Dharma, you did not put
your mother in the hospital

I said she didn't deserve to have
this baby and look where we are

You were angry and you said some
things you didn't mean everybody does that

Oh, hey good, Abby's okay but
they don't know yet about the baby

- Can I see her?
- Not right now

It's going to be at
least a few more hours

Maybe you guys want to go home
and get some sleep, and i'll call you

No, I'll stay here

Larry, you need anything?

No, I'm okay.

I'm gonna go sit with her

Little help, guys

Whoever's up

Dharma!

George?

- Hi George
- Hi

I'm so glad to see you

how are you?

Still dead, but otherwise no complaints

It's been a while

- Two years
- That long?

You lose track on the other side

There are no clocks,

it's like Vegas

George,

My mom might lose the baby

And you think you made this happen?

This feels like it

Well, if you did

They should put your picture
up here on the spinning god wheel

Whether I did it or
not, I was thinking it

- Because you were angry

My parents let me believe my
whole childhood was wonderful

- Maybe it was
- Then why is Abby keeps saying
it was a bunch of mistakes

Maybe it was, maybe it was a
whole bunch of wonderful mistakes

You're not helping

Maybe people who played
with boats that were really boats

Can't talk to dead indians

So what should I do now?

You think I should stay here and pray?

What do you mean by praying?

I don't know, talk to the universe or god

Or the great spirit, whatever it is

So you're having a conversation
with the great spirit

the maker of all things

I guess

And you're doing the talking?

All right

Also, the machine in the
hallway takes a buck and a quarter

- Oh, here he is,
- Oh Gregory how is she?

I don't know, they're
not telling us anything

Oh Larry, what's going on?

I can't get a straight answer
from any of these quacks

One says they asked to run more tests,
that one says he's just mopping the floor

I'm sorry, I bumped my head
trying to get Abby into the van

And for all I know i'm out cold in the
driveway with abby standing over me yelling

Get up Larry, get up!

- I'll find a nurse
- Don't worry about me, it's just a little bump

Unless I'm in the driveway then
you should send an ambulance

I'm gonna uh, I'm gonna find Dharma

Hey!

- Hey, have you heard anything?
- No, I'm still waiting for the doctor

- My parents are here
- Oh, that's really nice of them

Thank you very much, you're a
beautiful person man just beautiful

I'll check back with you later

Great, sorry about the quack remark

- Larry?
- The baby's fine, Abby's fine

They still think she can go full term

And I'm not in the driveway

Can we take her home?

No, they want her to stay for a couple
of days just to be in the safe side

- Can I go & see her?
- Yeah, but they said just one at a time

Hell of a thing

Looks like the baby has a
pretty strong little heart there

Just like his sister

Oh Dharma,

I'm really gonna need your help with this baby

I know

No you don't, did your father tell
you how I got to the hospital last night?

I just assumed he drove you

No,

You had to take an ambulance?

uh-uh

He drove off without you
and you had to take a cab?

I wish

Don't worry, i'll be there for you

Hey buddy!

Hello Jane,

Pete

- We have something we want to tell you
- Forget it, I don't want to hear it whatever it is

Ball gags, nipple clamps, the popsicle
business, just keep it to yourselves

- Greg, what's with you?
- No they...

What is it?

Well, since you were a big part of helping us come to
this decision we wanted you to be the first to know

We're getting a divorce

You're getting a divorce?
Yup

- Why?
- Well, you know, we have a loveless marriage

Sure !

Anyway, Greg insisted we talk to each other

- And after an hour of that

We realized we couldn't stand
the sound of each other's voices

- Next thing you know...
- One thing leads to another

We're getting a divorce

So tomorrow we're gonna have
some people over for drinks to celebrate

It's casual, no big deal,
some people will bring gifts

We are there, I'm so happy for you guys

- I know you can make this work
- Oh, thank you

- Come on, you want to help me
throw your stuff out the window?
- Do I?