04x02 - Love, Honor, and Ole!

[bunniefuu]

Anyway, we have this race-horse
that won't run...

so we thought we
could put him out to stud.

Turns out he has
no interest in the ladies.

Edward...

just say it.

The horse is gay.

The only thing he wants to mount is a...

production of gypsy.

You know, maybe you're putting
too much pressure on him.

When Greg's a little skittish,
I just have to...

lighten up on the reins
and back up on the whip.

She's speaking figuratively
and she should stop.

Sorry, I thought I turned it off.

Hello.

Jane, we're in the middle of dinner.

Cornish game hen and little blue potatoes.

Can she call you back?

I understand. She's...

working as a shill in a three-card Monty
game and she only gets the one break.

Hey Jane.

Yeah, blue potatoes.

What's up?

You're kidding! I love too.

Yeah, I got a snakebite kit.

We have to bring lots of cash...

because I do not want to spend
another night in Mexican jail.

Cool! Then all we need is sunblock...

and the flight plan of the space
shuttle and we're good to go.

You know, it's not the sauce.

These little guys are blue
all the way through.

Jane, I'm in the middle of dinner.
I'm gonna call you back.

Okay bye.

Sorry.

What's going on?

I don't really want to talk about it
in front of your parents like I'm weird.

Ship has sailed, dear.

You're serious? You're gonna...

sneak out in the middle
of a Mexican desert...

and paint a giant message
that can be seen by the space shuttle?

Boy! You can twist anything around
and make it sound stupid.

I didn't twist.

- Did I just pee five minutes ago?
- Yes, you did.

I'm right on schedule.

Hey Greg, let me ask you something.

Do you think
an assistant clothing buyer...

helps the clothing buyer...

or buys clothing for assistance?

I don't know Larry. Dharma...

- please don't do this.
- Why not?

Because it's ridiculous, and dangerous.

I know.

Well traditionally, that's enough.

Hi, I'm calling about your ad in the paper
for the university president's position.

Did this come with health insurance?
Cause I knocked up my old lady.

Look, I love that you're concerned.

But this is the kind of thing
I used to do all the time...

before I met you, and I miss it.

I understand that and...

here's where I'm coming from.

You can't go.

I can't go?

Careful Greg, remember,
when we forbid it's always for bad.

Obviously, I'm not forbidding her to go.

I'm just saying
that marriage is about compromise...

and Dharma's compromise
in this instance is to not go.

How can you say that?

I'm not saying anything,
this is how marriage works.

I've got news for you buddy,
this is how marriage doesn't work.

Let's talk about this later
when you're not quite so upset.

- I'm not upset.
- Yes honey, you are.

Don't tell me when I'm upset,
I'll tell you when I'm upset.

Obviously she's upset.

Greg, a relationship isn't
about controlling your partner.

Why do I even come out of the bathroom?!

I'm looking at your ad,
where it says make your own hours...

do they have to be minutes?

I don't know, Dad, it...

it may be the same thing
as the blue tortilla chips.

Can I ask you a favor?

Larry needs a job, so he has
medical insurance for the baby.

Do you think he could find something
for him over there?

Yeah, he has skills.

I saw him make
a pipe out of a potato once.

No, it was a regular potato.

Listen! I got to go. See what you can do.

Thanks dad.

- Hey partner.
- Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Dharma and I are having this crazy
fight and I think I need a reality check.

Oh sure.

Hey, you don't get
an extra pair of socks, do you?

No.

So I guess a fresh pair of underwear
is out of the question.

Yes it is. What...

what happened to your socks?

I met this woman in a bar
last night this morning I wake up in...

a parking garage in Oakland,
without my socks and underwear.

Apparently I got lucky.

What's your deal?

You know what? May be you aren't the
person to ask about this after all.

Yeah, but I'm all you got.

Dharma wants to do this really
stupid thing and I said no.

A person has a right to say no to the
person he's married to, doesn't he?

Wait, what's the thing?

- Like a tattoo or something?
- No.

It doesn't matter what it is, I mean...

she doesn't have to do it,
and I don't want her to do it.

Is it more like a piercing?

It's not important what it is.

But it's something painful, right?

It's nothing like that.

- It's something feels good?
- Pete, would you stop.

- Taste good?
- Pete!

- If you dropped it would it bounce?
- Stop.

All right.

Whatever it is, you did
the right thing by saying no.

Boundaries...

they make women hot.

You know what...

- I'm gonna go talk to Dharma.
- Attaboy.

Show her who's boss.

Got sock on my shoe.

- Hey, is Ed around?
- I'm sorry.

Ed Montgomery; The big cheese,
the big Kahuna the big boss, Mr big.

Do you have an appointment?

Nah, but that's OK. We're blood.

You can't go up there
without an appointment.

Really? That's a drag.

Well...

I guess it's time for my...

boot heels to be wandering.

Let it go!

- Let it go!
- Hello Finkelstein.

Hey Ed. I'm just coming up to see you.

Do you know this guy, Mr Montgomery?

Yes I do.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.

You did the right thing.

You got to watch that guy,
he's a loose cannon.

Yeah.

- Greg told me about your situation.
- Great, so where do you need me?

Sales? Marketing?

Maybe some kind of think t*nk.
I'd be good at that.

I wake up thinking.

Right now...

I'm thinking of a big ball of water.

That's for you, first one's free.

All right.

I told Greg all we could offer you
is a night security guard.

Night security guard?

Yes, you'll be working for Walter here.

Sorry Walter.

Good class, everybody. Wave to yoga.

Evan, you might want to
get a pair of shorts that have...

some kind of netting in them,
keep everything organized.

Hi.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I brought you this.

Let's go Mexico.

I thought it might come in handy.

Thanks.

But I've decided not to go.

- Why not?
- Because it's really not that...

important to me. I mean...

it'd be a hoot, but...

if it's gonna make you miserable,
then it's just not worth it.

Well, thanks but I...

I don't want you to not go because of me.

- Why not?
- Cause that's not a good reason.

But there's not really
any other reason I wouldn't go.

I'll give you a half
a dozen reasons to not go.

I said I'm not going.

Fine as long as you're not
not going because of me.

OK, help me out here. If I go you're
miserable if I don't go you feel guilty.

Is there some kind of middle ground
I'm not seeing...

where you're just a grumpy Gus.

How about this? How about I go with you?

- Where?
- To Mexico.

Take the sign in the desert,
you, me, all your freaky friends.

- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Why not?

Why not? This is eight people
in a van to Mexico.

You get twitchy when we have
to change planes in phoenix.

No, this is right.
We should be doing things together.

You try the things I like,
I try the things you like.

Come on Dharma,
this is what marriage is all about.

- Right, you're right.
- Great.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

We need a new travel line,
and some bottled water and a...

why don't I email the auto club,
and have them make us up a trip-tech.

It's a good idea to get us a trip-tech.

OK, see you later.

OK, bye.

I really hope a trip-tech
is some kind of tranquillizer.

- They're not here yet, huh?
- No, they're running a little late.

Is that a new...

What are you wearing?

It's called a Safari vest.

- Cute.
- pockets.

Guss where the traveler's
checks are hidden.

- I'm sure they're safely tucked away.
- Come on, guess.

- There?
- Fine, where's my sinus medication?

Hey, here we go.

This is my husband Greg,
he's coming with us.

Hey Greg.

I brought travel scrabble.

Let's try to find it.

Hey, let's try Gandhi.

What about Buddha?

I'm Sorry to interrupt, but
I'm a little concerned here.

- We've been going north since we left.
- So?

So unless Mexico and Canada
have swapped places...

we're going the wrong way Jane.

It's okay, honey. We're picking up Stewie.

- And Stewie lives in?
- Eureka.

Eureka!

- Eureka?!
- Eureka!

Hey, let's do Stewie.

Hey, wait!

Just to be clear...

eight people are going hours out
of their way to pick up one guy?

Stewie's actually two guys.

- Two guys?
- Yes, Dave and Tom.

Together they're Stewie.

Ok.

Still, wouldn't it
have been faster for them...

they prefer him...

Him... to meet us in San Francisco
than for us to go to Eureka.

Eureka!

There is no sense at all.

- We came to pick you up.
- Yes, but I don't live in...

where Stewie lives.

What I think Greg
is trying to say is that...

although he knows
it's all about the journey...

and that's what's important...

it doesn't hurt
to keep one eye on the goal.

Right Greg?

I guess. I'm just saying that...

we're going north when we should be
going south, which is you know...

insane.

I'm sorry if the facts bum you out...

I just don't think you people
planned this thing at all.

Honey, I think you're missing
the big picture.

The big picture? I'm the only one
who sees the big picture.

We're going to Mexico to
paint a giant sign in the desert...

and nowhere in this van do
I see a stupid bucket of paint.

- Howard Johnson's.
- Right.

This is going to take forever.
We're not even in Ukiah yet.

Ukiah!

So, that's it.

The cleaning crew's gone the building's
empty and there is nothing for you to do.

- So, should I leave?
- No.

Stay here...

do nothing.

What if there's a fire?

The fire alarm will go off...

and automatically
call the fire department.

How can it call the fire department
if it goes off?

Fine, it goes on.

And by on, you mean off?

I probably do.

I'll see you in the morning.

Security log...

: PM...

the building is secure.

And quiet.

Really quiet.

Hello!

Hello!

: ...

Quite again.

Two cheeseburgers,
one cheeseburger with no cheese...

one cheeseburger with no burger...

and two hamburgers with cheese.

How many fries?

I could eat about...

- .
- .

- I only want a couple.
- Then then I'll get .

I think she means how many orders.

No I don't.

Can I have french fries, please?

Is he this grumpy all the time?

You should see when we had
to change planes in Phoenix.

I'm not grumpy, I'm just wondering
why we didn't eat...

when we stopped at Howard Johnson's?

Because they didn't have paint.

They don't have paint
here either, Einstein.

What are you calling Einstein, Moana?

Stan...

easy.

- Greg.
- What?

I know your heart's in the right place...

but you're annoying
the crap out of everybody.

- You think?
- Yeah.

You need to try and lighten up.

Go with the flow, hello out.

- Exactly.
- OK.

But don't use those words.

OK.

Thank you.

Sorry everybody.

- Are we cool?
- We cool.

- Anybody wants anything else?
- Yes, ask them if they have any paint.

They don't have paint in restaurants.

Couldn't hurt to ask.

What kind of paint you got?

minutes and no personal best...

and another gold medal for Larry
Finkelstein, and the crowd goes wild.

Security log...

experimental mobile unit allowed me
to make rounds in record time.

It's become strangely hot in here.

Possibilities...

one: The air conditioning is on a timer.

Or two: Someone has shut off the air.

Which would mean that I'm not alone.

Question: If I'm not alone...

Why haven't I seen
anyone else in the building?

Answer:

Because nobody's here.

Or there is someone here?

And they're hiding?

Is anybody there?

Dear god...

there's someone hiding in here.

All right men...

we have an intruder in the building.

Adultery and Whistle...

check the elevators.

Jackson...

Mississippi...

you're up with me.

Does he always take this long?

It just seems like a long time
because you don't like him.

I don't see why he couldn't use
the pickle jar like the rest of us?

- I say we leave him.
- That's a great idea.

- No, we can't just leave without him.
- Why not?

He'll be fine. He's got more crap in that
vest than I've gotten my whole apartment.

- She's right.
- Let's go.

No, no. Just listen to me.

That guy out there looking
for a tree to pee on, is my guy.

And sure, yes, maybe he's...

a little different.

Stan, you of all people should
understand being different.

Or should we all kick off
our shoes and do a toe count?

That was low.

My whole family has toes.

And we're all OK with that.

Right? Just like we're OK that
Mary worked on the Dole campaign...

because she thought he was sexy.

Not Bob, Elizabeth.

It doesn't matter.

The point is that if this van
isn't a safe haven for the different...

then what right do we have
going to Mexico...

and painting giant letters in the desert?

Sorry Dharma.

Hey g*ng, the tags on the van are expired.

In the morning we should find a DMV.

So what do you think we could call
the DMV and make an appointment?

I am.

No sign of my adversary.

But he's out there...

I can feel him.

I need to make
preparations for this as*ault...

of a battle I know is coming...

my survival depends on the
resources I can gather here in the field.

I will need to fashion weapons
from the materials at hand...

but the greatest w*apon
I have is my brain.

With it...

I will fashion weapons
from the materials at hand.

If you're reading this...

it can only mean one thing.

That I'm dead.

Unless I gave it to you
and said hey read this.

Or I lost it.

In that case please
return to Larry Finkelstein...

Mill Bank lane,
Mill Valley, California.

I forgot the zip.

But they know me there.

We're so lucky
that gas station was open.

Yes we are.

I told them it was
the last one for miles.

Yes you did.

You know I don't mean to be
critical I really like your friends.

Well they certainly go
on and on about you.

Wasn't the van right around here?

No.

I think it was over there
where our luggage is.

What's our luggage...

why would they...

they weren't really out of gas.

Nope. Man I thought if I went with
you they wouldn't go through with this.

You knew they were
gonna leave me?

No I mean...

sure there were rumblings. But...

I thought I had Jane and at
least one of the Stewies on your side.

You walked all that way with me
knowing that they might ditch us.

Yeah well you know in a
marriage you do things together.

Thank you.

You know I was...

I was really trying to go with the flow.

I know you were honey I can't think
of anything that I did to justify this.

Well we have miles to figure it out.

according to my GPS.

Signs wrong.

I can't think of anything huh...

you're in awfully early this
morning Mr Montgomery.

I wanted to check on
Finkelstein see how he did.

He did a little better than I thought.