04x04 - Hell No, Greg Can't Go

[bunniefuu]

So...

Our platoon was pinned down for four days.

Out of rations...

almost out of a*mo.

Everybody's petrified except the...

captain here who is as cool as a cucumber.

Really?

Water shells are landing all
over the damn place.

I'm a brand new
lieutenant fresh out of west point.

And trying to decide
which is more manly...

crying or wetting myself.

The captain here stands up...

the a*tillery is flying mind you...

and he walks over to me calm as can be...

and he offers me his canteen.

It was full of gin and vermouth.

He called it the Cantini.

-Guess why.
-I get it.

You know, he never talks about the w*r.

I'm surprised he even remembers the w*r.

Cantini!

Oh my goodness that's astonishing.

What did you do?

Well I marched myself into
the china department...

I showed them the soup terrain
and I said look me in the eye...

and tell me if that glaze
has not begun to crackle.

Good for you.

That reminds me of the sterling
silver ladle I ordered once.

-A ladle?
-A ladle.

A ladle.

A soup ladle or a gravy ladle?

Actually it was a multi-purpose
ladle you could use it for soup or gravy.

Now it came in two finishes
smooth and what they call, Satin.

For two miles...

your dad...

kept his hand inside this kid's chest...

to keep him from bleeding out...

and this was...

going back through the minefield?

That was a minefield?!

Long story short...

I wound up having to
change the pattern to match the ladle...

that is an outrage.

Please. It is nothing compared
to the Limoges story.

The lamoge story?

It is horrible.

The Limoges put out a series of miniature
china versions of world landmarks.

Would you excuse me I just have to...

I just have to.

Of course.

Anyway I fell in love with this
charming little eiffel tower...

and of course I already had the miniature.

I cut across the quad thinking
I can go around...

the administration building
and flank them...

when all of a sudden this beta
kai sn*per hits me square in the chest...

and you know you wouldn't think it,
but those...

those paintballs, they really...

they sting.

Paint?

Balls.

What was the name of that skinny little
sergeant who painted his willy orange?

That wasn't paint,
that was Mercurochrome.

You see there was this...

little brothel when you could get
your ticket punched for a can of sperm.

This is way better than the other room.

XNA on the whorehouse in front of armada.

You know the dampest thing
happened the other day...

Ellen bought the soup terrain where
the glaze was beginning to crackle.

Soup terrine is that the
one with the handle thing?

No that's the gravy boat.

The soup terrain is two handles
and I so wish I didn't know that.

I don't think the girl caught on. Do you?

No dad.

Very utter say.

What?

That was fun huh?

What?

Maybe it was fun for you.
You were in the horn sperm room.

I was in the terrain
creek without a ladle.

I'm sorry.

Is there some way I can make it up to you.

Maybe you could stick
around for my mom's baby shower.

Come on it wasn't that bad.

A ladle, ladle, ladle...

You know, the general mentioned
something interesting.

Not while I was in the room.

It turns out that there's an
army reserve program for professionals.

Like doctors and lawyers...

where you go one weekend a month
and two weeks out of the year to...

help out.

Where are we going with this?

Well he said a guy with my background
would start out as a captain.

Maybe even a major.

You're not really thinking
of joining the army?

Army reserves.

"Major Montgomery".

Sounds cool doesn't it.

- My dad was only a captain.
-You're not serious.

Why would you want to join the army.

I don't know it's...

a guy thing.

It's cultural it's...

it's movies, it's...

playing soldier when you're a kid.

Okay I understand.

-You do?
-Yeah.

The childhood dream.

I guess it is.

How about this?

You don't join the army...

but I'm behind you if you want to
be a cowboy, or a fireman.

You could drive a choo-choo.

That'd be fun huh?

You could wear overalls a
little striped hat ring a bell.

Hey sorry I'm late I guess I missed the
baby shower huh?

No actually we just started
opening presents.

That's not possible
I played holes of golf with...

really old guys.

Hey you tried.

Well need some help?

Yeah actually I burnt the carrot cake so
can you slice this one really thin? Sure.

Listen I think I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have given you such
a hard time about the whole army thing.

That's okay I mean I I kind
of threw it at you out of nowhere.

I mean you have to understand how
weird that was for me.

I mean you know how I was raised.

If you did something like that
my father's head would explode.

Honey, I think you're exaggerating.

Well, fortunately we'll never know.

Well I haven't...

I haven't decided not to do it.

What?

I think I want to join the army reserves.

Well you can't.

What?

I'm sorry but that's where I draw
the line, you cannot join the army.

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Of course not we don't
give each other ultimatums.

This is more like a rule.

Don't roam with scissors don't
eat yellow snow don't join the army.

Another hemp onesie.

Well you can never have enough of those.

Where do these people shop?

Can I see that? Sure.

-Thank you marcie.
-You're welcome Abby.

Hemp onesie from marcy.

Oh wowie it's from maui.

Abby, this fabric is in flame retardant,
so don't use this sleeper.

Is that a rule?

We have rules that people
don't do dumb things, remember?

Dharma, I would never do
anything to endanger the baby.

I wasn't talking about you, Abby.

Hey you don't have to tell me hemp burns.

She wasn't talking about you either Larry.

Then neither was I.

Let me ask you a question
whatever happened to...

Dharma the free spirit, the poster girl
for you do your thing I'll do mine.

Come on this isn't about
somebody doing their own thing.

This is just about dressing
up in a fancy little outfit...

and marching around and looking tough.

In the onesie?

Can I see you for a minute.

I'll be right back.

Unless there's makeup sex.

Jane, do you know what's going on?

Not a clue but I got bucks on
the lanky blonde who wants peace.

If you want to have a midlife
crisis buy a car, have an affair.

Those are the rules for
having a midlife crisis?

Yes I believe they are.

Yeah open mine.

Thank you kitty.

Look, this is pretty paper.

And it's recycled.

I know how you people love that.

You know what you are you're a hypocrite.

Oh great use one of your fancy
lawyer tricks and make this all about me.

It is about you.

Really I'm the one who
wants to go off and run...

I think they're gonna be just fine.

Right?

Oh grow up.

Don't change the subject.

I don't know who I should
be mad at more you or...

your country club parents
who indoctrinated you.

Oh I wouldn't talk about parents
cause you're on very shaky ground.

Oh look it's a beautiful music box.

Play it. Yes.

Do you want to ruin your life?
Fine, do it.

Thanks thanks for your permission I will.

Kitty music box.

I'm so sorry that I've
been so controlling.

-I forgive you.
-Thank you let's go home.

Dharma, I'm going to Virginia.

Honey you're only doing this because you
felt emasculated when I said you couldn't.

-I never felt emasculated.
-Sure you did.

When I did the choo-choo train and the
woo-woo come on that was way out of line.

That wasn't emasculating
it was condescending.

You know what ma'am,
he doesn't need a boarding pass...

cause we're having a fight and he's
made a very valid point that I get.

-May I have an aisle seat, please.
-No, you might not.

Do not give him that ticket.

Do I need to call security?

Um she's my wife and I'll let you know.

Have a nice day thank you very much.

Thanks.

Let's just go over this one more time.

There's nothing to talk about
I'll see you in two weeks.

Okay can I just tell you something?

You are so sexy when
you've proved a point.

Have you ever done it in an airport
it's called the one foot high club.

I'm going.

You're really going?

Ok, I love you.

I love you too.

Gregory Montgomery you turn your
butt around and come right back here.

He is bluffing if I had a nickel
for every time he's done this.

He's coming right back.

I'm not falling for it.

The important thing to remember Dharma is
you're not going through this alone.

You have friends and family
who love you and love Greg.

Although we may not
love the path he's chosen.

The w*r path he's chosen.

Larry.

We talked about this.

Sorry.

So we go to play the GI-Joe for a while.

Think about the plus side.

When he come back he's gonna
want hot steaming bowl of a Dharma.

That's true.

I thought about that.

Pumpkin!

Listen to me.

Loving somebody means letting them grow...

in ways you can't predict or control.

And trusting that everything's
gonna work out fine.

I know even when it's hard to understand.

Like here.

When a basically nice guy...

snaps his bean...

and signs on to be a mindless gladiator in
service of a fascist k*lling machine.

Larry! Go wait in the van.

Okay.

Hey Finkelstein.

Well, look who's here?

If it isn't the modern day
Abraham sacrificing his only son...

of the author of the world
trade organization...

Larry...

I gotta go.

-Hello!
-Hi, Ed.

I hope I'm not interrupting
your little coffee club.

No, we're just consoling Dharma.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Kitty said the girl was worried so
I came over to tell her Greg's fine.

Greg's fine.

He's just going to be sitting
at a desk pushing papers.

Thanks Edward,
but that's not what's bothering me.

I know Greg's not going to
be in any danger.

That's right.

Unless of course we find ourselves
in a nice little sh**ting w*r.

And he winds up attached to a regiment
that's right smack in the middle of it.

What?

Well then it doesn't
matter what your job is, it's...

grab a g*n every man, for himself.

Edward, why don't you
go wait in the van with Larry.

Okay.

All right men.

Listen up we're surrounded.

We're outnumbered.

Our retreat is cut off.

There's only one way we're
going to get out of here.

That's head to hand,
man-to-man, and over-the-top.

But sir...

we're just lawyers.

Doesn't matter what your job
is it's every man for himself.

Hit the event here.

-Greg's dad talking to Dharma.
-I didn't.

I'm confused.

I thought I was gonna stay
in San Francisco and run the office.

All right...

got your hostman shapirohad and let go.

They didn't have a chance.

Sir...

I have a plan.

I've drafted a very stern letter.

It gives the enemy five
working days to stop f*ring at us...

or we bury them in paperwork.

That's a nice try, Montgomery.

But there's no way that I'm sending...

one of my boards over that
bridge to serve a threatening letter.

You don't have to sir.

I volunteer.

Greg, are you crazy?

When you see Dharma...

give her this for me.

There goes one hell of a man.

A damn fine kisser.

Now...

an example number three.

The army has contracted
with let's say acme plumbing for ...

let's say plungers.

-Sir.
-Yes, captain Montgomery.

Sir would failure to
deliver under the contract...

be tried under the u.s civil code of
the uniform code of m*llitary justice, sir?

U.s civil code. Thank you sir.

Now...

-the army has contracted with the act...
-Sir!

You didn't, you didn't say
as you were captain colonel.

Because I didn't call you to attention.

Oh okay I'll just sit down.

That would be nice.

Isn't this great?

I thought I'd make major but...

you know I guess we're all captains here.

Now...

the contract for the
purchase of these plungers...

will go through a
five-step review process.

Sir would those five steps
be delineated...

is alpha bravo charlie delta echo sir?

Whatever you like.

Greg, in danger I don't think so.

What about when we get into one of those
sh**ting wars...

and it's every man for himself.

Dharma...

as much as America would like
to see a su1c1de brigade of lawyers...

marching to the front.
It's very unlikely.

Okay how about this?

You sent him to Europe...

he has a few days off.

He's in Venice on one of those gondolas.

Someone says, "hey look at that."

He stands up to get a better
look low bridge, amnesia.

Who am I?

Oh I'm in an army uniform I guess I
better get my g*n and march into battle.

Dharma.

-No?
-No.

So there's no chance of him getting hurt.

You sound disappointed.

The thing is if he was in danger...

I'd have a right to ask him
to come home wouldn't I?

Well, I suppose.

Now he's just a guy doing his own thing...

and I'm a person who believes people
should have a right to do their own thing.

And now I have to respect that.

Huh sounds like you do.

Even if this thing isn't exactly
what people usually mean...

when they say do your own thing...

like become
a Buddhist monk or pierce your nipples.

I'm sorry, nipples?

Nipples, nostrils whatever.

But how can I support something as fruit
bat crackers...

as joining the army but yet...

on the other hand how can I not.

It beats the hell out of me.

I'm just writing the paradox pony to
downtown dilemma town aren't we.

Well I'm sure it'll all work
out listen if we're done here...

I've got some army things to do.

Oh right sure okay.

I really hope you didn't think I meant
you when I said fruit back crackers.

I knew you meant the whole army. Good.

You know general I got
to tell you something.

My first impression of
you was completely wrong.

Well I was pretty much
right on the money about you.

Waiting for your girl son?

My wife yeah.

Don't worry.

She'll be here.

Thanks.

Remember...

you've been away.

People change.

Give her time to get to know you again.

That's good advice thanks.

How long hit you do?

Two.

Two two years.

Weeks.

Weeks?

And they made you a captain?

I'm a lawyer.

Well isn't that just perfect.

I crawled across korea on my hands
and knees dodging commie b*ll*ts.

And all I got was three lousy
stripes an ass full of shrapnel.

I'm sorry.

-Hey!
-Hi.

-I missed you so much.
-I missed you too.

Oh must have been hell.

Two weeks.

Excuse me sergeant,
I'm talking to my wife.

Yes sir.

Two weeks.

They left me for dead longer than that.

You know that guy?

New army buddy.

I was getting a little worried
you weren't gonna meet me.

If you thought I'm still not
okay with the whole army thing.

And you're okay with it now?

Nope but I'm okay with the
fact that I'm not okay with it.

So where does that leave things?

You can do whatever you want
and I won't stand in your way.

But you can't be in the army.

But that doesn't make sense.

I know but neither does you joining
the army and I'm okay with that.

-No you're not okay with that.
-I know.

It's a slippery sucker.

In the meantime I love a man in uniform.

-No you don't.
-No, I don't.

Wait, what'd you get these ribbons for?

Oh that's a good conduct medal.

How do you get that?

Any number of ways.

You know, exemplary service to the unit...

exhibiting leadership.

, being quiet and letting the other
guys ask a question every once in a while.

Lots of ways.