04x07 - Mad Secretaries and Englishmen

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Dharma & Greg". Aired: September 24, 1997 – April 30, 2002.*
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
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04x07 - Mad Secretaries and Englishmen

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey!

Hey!

What time did you get in? I
thought we were gonna have a little date.

I'm sorry the meeting at the
co-op went really.

It's been a week. It would
have been OK to wake me up.

I tried.

I nibbled I tickled I bit
you on the butt nothing.

Oh good that's a hickey I was gonna
call a dermatologist.

You want to try for a quickie right now?

You're k*lling me I got to be in court
in half an hour.

I'll write you a note.

"Dear judge,

"Please excuse Greg's tardiness...

"he had to run an errand in my pants."

-I'm sorry honey.
-What about tonight?

We could show the dogs
how to do it people's style.

I'd love to I got to drive to Sacramento,
and take a deposition.

Then I guess you're too busy
for me to swing by your office...

and knock one off at lunch.

Should I have the truth?

I am.

At one o'clock don't wear
a lot of buttons.

Got it.

-Hi Marlene, is Dharma here yet?
-No.

Perfect.

Why don't you take an early lunch?

I brought a sandwich.

Well it's a...

beautiful day, eat it in the park.

What? Do I look like a squirrel?

A little.

In a cute way.

Is Pete here yet?

He's not coming in today.

-Great.
-You want to know why?

Not really.

How come he gets to waltz
in here whenever he feels like it,

and I have to get here
at the cr*ck of : .

Marlene, Pete just got a divorce.

And he's going through some hard times.

Yeah, real hard times.
He just moved in with a stripper.

Who doesn't speak English.
And you can see how...

that would...

weigh on him.

Well, isn't that terrific?!

We're all weepy, for Pete...

but no one cares about the pain
I live with each and every day.

I care. In fact...

why don't you take
the rest of the day off.

And just keep my pain
all bottled up inside...

until one day the cork finally blows.

Whatever you like. It's your day.

I try to meet people but I'm
beginning to give up hope.

I mean, what is it gonna be Marlene.

Oh, come here.

Oh no!

Marlene, What happened to your cork?

You are good.
Do you know what hot blooded?

Jane.

Honey!

What are you doing here?

I raced home from Sacramento
so we could...

he's hot-blooded.

I didn't think
you were gonna be home till real late.

And Jane and I are gonna hook up with
Marlene to bar and help her meet guys.

Why?

Do you have any idea how long it's been
since she has had sex?

I don't wanna know. Four years. Four.

-You're kidding.
-I know.

Are you feeling
a little more compassionate now?

No but I understand how she
was able to needlepoint that car cover.

I'm sorry but I
promise I won't be out late.

Don't wait up.

Guess what he was singing?

I heard him.

Are you telling me I can make my
own cottage cheese at home.

Yes,
now you can select your own curriculum.

The key won't work.

That's the car key.

Well then the apartment won't start.

Where have you been? It's : .

Would you believe
that I have been at a bar all night long.

You don't say.

-Did you find a guy for Marlene?
-No!

Everybody's so
picky nowadays I mean picky nowadays.

I mean, picky, picky pig.

But not me.

You'll do just fine.

Smooth tiger.

What do you say, sexy lad?

How about you hold
my hair back while I toss my cookies?

And then you and me make sweet sweet love.

Thank you um maybe in the morning.

Everybody's so picky.

I got it.

-Hi.
-Hey.

-Tatiana threw me out.
-What happened?

I thought she was jabbing around
about something all week.

Finally got a Russian-English dictionary.

Turns out I make her sick.

What are you doing here?

I tried downstairs at Jane's.

I thought I could stay there
a couple of days.

Maybe get a little sex with the ex.

How'd that go?

About how you think.

Can I sleep on your couch?

I guess so.

I'll get you a blanket.

If it's any problem you know just say so.

I'll go to a hotel.

Really?

No, it's just what you say.

-Morning.
-Good morning.

How you feeling?

Like a possum curled up in my
mouth and d*ed.

Do you want to fool around?

That's okay.

We've got tonight.

And I'm not gonna let anything ruin it.

Well then here's a bit of a challenge,
for you.

I promised that
we'd go out with Marlene...

and the guy Jane and I are fixing her up.

Dharma...

if you don't love me
anymore you can just tell me.

Come on, I promised. It's a blind date
she doesn't want to go alone.

-Why can't Jane go?
-Because...

Jane and this guy used to
go out and had a big misunderstanding.

He thinks Jane tried to k*ll him.

OK, this is still none of my business.

But do you think it's smart to fix
Marlene up with one of Jane's rejects?

Just cause Jane went out with him
doesn't mean the guy's a loser.

-Morning.
-Morning.

That proves nothing.

I mean, it's not like I chose to
be a poet. You know, poetry chose me.

Because I like words.

Not all words, I mean,
I don't like canvas...

or nurse.

Nurse!

Well, it's rather a clumsy word isn't it?

Nurse!

You know,
Marlene loves poetry, don't you Marlene?

Well I'm no expert like roger.

Maybe you two share a favourite poet.
Roger, who do you like?

I don't read poetry.

You see there's always the danger
that you accidentally copy something.

I'm sorry, what?!

-Tabula rasa my friend tabula rasa.
-What's that?

It's latin, yeah blank slate.

I'm a blank rasa.

Or a blank tabular.

Whichever one means slate.

Do you know? Marlene collects owls.

Not real ones, no.

You know little figurines, pictures.

Anything with an owl on it.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I love owls.

Well I might I've never thought about
it before but now that I think about it.

I love the little buggers.

With their big eyes and all the whooing.

You know they eat mice whole
and cough up the bones.

I bet there's a little bit of owl
in you, isn't it?

Hi.

Hello stranger.

Let's never wait this long ever again.

I hope I remember how to do this.

Don't worry it's just
like kissing a bicycle.

You don't think Marlene
is sleeping with that guy, do you?

Maybe.

So what's the plan?

You know what you wanted
you need to look at the menu.

I think I'm ready to order.

Hang on.

-What are you doing?
-I'm just gonna...

call Marlene real quick
and make sure she got home okay.

All right better hurry.
The kitchen closes at .

Marlene, it's Greg are you there?

Are you there?

All right call me when you get in.

Damn! She's sleeping with him.

All right, honey I'll admit.
Roger is a bit of a diamond in the rough.

He's a moron in the rough.

If he works real hard
someday he'll be a moron.

But Marlene likes him.

Yeah but she doesn't know any better...

and you do and you shouldn't
have fixed her up with him.

What are you saying she'd
be better off alone and miserable?

Alone and miserable is better
than being with some unemployed leech...

who doesn't like the word nurse.

All right...

forget about Roger.
Let's talk about somebody...

who's had someone in their life,
for eight years...

and has completely ignored
their suffering.

So the fact that I mind
my own business makes me the bad guy?

Well I am the one who is trying
to help her get what she needs.

Isn't it a little egotistical to
think that you know what everybody needs?

Not everybody.

Just the people I care about.

All right, so she goes out with him...

she gets her heart broken, and
she's more miserable than she was before.

Is that what she needs?

So I don't know what people need,
but you can predict the future?

Yes I can sometimes it's pretty
obvious what's coming next.

God then I guess you know
you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Way ahead of you.

While you're lying out there remember...

I'm the one who wanted
to have sex tonight...

you're the one who had the big problem.

Good thing none of your friends
heard that.

Pete, cut it out.

That's not funny.

It's kind of funny.

I'm really sorry.

No I'm sorry.

You are concerned about Marlene
and I love that about you.

Yeah but she's a grown woman
she can take care of herself.

Did you sleep okay.

Pete snores like a cartoon bear.

Poor baby.

Is there any way I can make it all better?

Just keep on doing what you're doing.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hey guys.

Hi listen we're sorry to barge in like
this but we didn't want to wake up Pete.

It's okay.

Can you guys wait in the kitchen Greg,
and I were just about to have sex.

Oh isn't that nice.

-Come on Larry.
-Rock on.

What are they doing here?

Abby and I are
gonna make home-made baby food.

Well she's just gonna have to wait.

I'm proud of you.

You've never been
able to do it with them here before.

It takes me a while,
but I'm capable of adapting.

Hey guys!

Hey do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Your dad just took
the Sunday paper into the other one.

Sure.

You're done adapting, aren't you?

Abby, what's the longest
you and Larry ever went without sex?

That's over a year.

When he was living in Canada.
What'd you do?

Well we tried phone sex but he got
arrested.

Why?

Well...

he didn't have a phone so...

just using the one in the laundromat.

Marlene.

Roger.

Smashing day.

Carpe diem, my friend.
Let's all just carpet a dime.

Dharma, Marlene and roger are here.

Hey Greg.

If you're gonna have company...

do you mind if I go watch
a TV in your bedroom?

We don't have a TV in the bedroom.

Well I think we should think
about getting one.

-Hey guys.
-Hi.

Hello Dharma, how's your karma?

Roger's a poet.

So I see.

Oh well well...

long date, huh? I wouldn't know.
I'm walking on clouds.

Yeah yeah what's up?

-I need an advance on my salary.
-Why?

Don't ask her why Greg, that's rude,
it's none of our business.

Fine.

Why?

Well you know it is
spending all my money on my girl.

That seems to have neglected my rent.

Since last night.

He bought me a grand slam breakfast.

Oh that's nice.

They're massive really.

What do you say,
a couple weeks in advance?

No forget it I'm not giving
you money to give to him.

Greg, it's her money.

She can do what she wants with it.

No, when it's in advance it's my money.

If it's my money it's my rules.

Wow the capitalist and the
artist the eternal struggle.

Marlene...

listen to me.

You're making a mistake.

You can do better than this guy.

Come on Roger, you could move in with me.

Oh super!

Well, that's it then.

Bye-bye.

-Thanks for everything Dharma.
-Good luck

do you have windows?
I love a place with windows.

You believe that who in their
right mind moves in after one day?

It's different we got married.

Pete, Greg and I
are gonna be at his folks.

-Just call if there's a problem.
-OK.

Pete did you uh finish writing those
interrogatories for the Beaumont case?

I'll get them.

It's Sunday night,
you've had all weekend to do them.

I'll get to it,
I just want to see how this ends.

He saves his father from a whale
and becomes a real boy.

Do your work.

Do your work!

What did you say?

Nothing.

Have a good time.

He is driving me nuts.

You'll miss him when he's gone.

You're awfully quiet is everything okay?

I'm a little upset about this Marlene
thing...

I don't think I handled it right at all.

Really?

Do you mind if we're a little late for my
parents.

I just want to make a quick detour.

Roadside quickie! I knew
I shouldn't have worn panties.

No, I just wanted to stop by Marlene's...

and straighten this out.

I shouldn't be telling her
what to do with her life.

Okay.

All right? Good for you,
I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

While you're up there
all the panties just FYI.

There's nothing I can say to Marlene...

that's gonna change
anything look don't talk listen.

That woman's
been my secretary for eight years.

She's not very good
she's rather unpleasant.

And frankly when she calls
in sick I do a little happy dance.

But so help me if you heard her
I'll be back and when I'm done with you...

nurse will be the most important word
in your vocabulary.

Right.

So the whole salary advance
thing is out of the question is it?

-How'd it go?
-Great, I feel much better.

Did you guys hug?

No but I think a connection was made.

With roger too? Especially with roger.

-Hey Ed!
-Hey.

How's the party going?

I don't like anybody here and your mother
won't let me drink.

Okay, guess what up to speed.

Gregory dahmer you're late come along
edward there's someone I want you to meet.

I hope his name is johnny walker.

It's the archbishop.

I hope his name is archbishop
johnny walker.

Want to mingle?

Not really.

Want to mingle
with me and before you answer...

look at what I'm not wearing.

I'll meet you upstairs.

Everyone!

All right everyone I
know we're enjoying the food in the chat.

But we are here for an important purpose.

To tell me how thin I look.

Just kidding.

But thank you for noticing.

All right I do believe...

the archbishop would
like to make a few remarks.

Thank you Mrs Montgomery
don't bother starting with a joke.

I'd like to thank all of you...

for the money we raised tonight
for our teen outreach program.

As you know...

the media bombards our young people.

With powerful and unabated images
of sex...

and promiscuity.

But tonight...

right here in this house we are doing
something about that.

I believe we're
having a bit of an earthquake.

I think you're right.

All right everyone
we're having an earthquake.

Don't panic just put my liquor down...

and get out of my house
as quickly as possible.
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