04x08 - Charma Loves Greb

[bunniefuu]

Oh my god!

Isn't this the most beautiful Sunday
you have ever seen?

-Beautiful?
-God!

This Davis woman she'd have
to b*at the other days off with a stick.

Especially Wednesday hump-day, get it?

Got it.

Days like this make me wish
I was a bike messenger.

-Gonna be ready to go soon?
-Wait a minute.

I thought we could go down
to fisherman's wharf...

and get some lunch...

and then go down to farmers market...

and get ourselves a couple
of nice fresh farmers.

Sure honey.

You know you can tell
if they're fresh or not?

They squeeze you, get it?

Sounds like fun.

You're not listening, are you?

-Just let me finish the question puzzle.
-OK.

Sorry.

Come on it's gonna be dark soon.

-It's : in the morning.
-It's : .

It unreasonable for me to want to do
the crossword puzzle on Sunday morning.

No, of course not.

-Just let me know when you're ready.
-I will.

Z-E-P-H-Y-R, Westerly-wind?

Zephyr.

Take your time.

I'm fine.

OK honey, we're
at the farmer's market now.

Sure, we'll keep our eyes open.

Bye.

If anyone notices a five-letter edible
fruit of the myrtle family jotted down.

I can't believe he's indoors doing
a crossword puzzle on a day like this.

I know, I tried pushing the couch out
with him still on it but he caught on.

You remember how well
I worked with your father.

-Really?
-Once.

Did you figure out what you're
gonna get Greg for his birthday?

No, not yet.

I could buy him a friend
to sit on the couch with him.

You sleep with him,
and through some surprise party...

if he asks me,
I'll tell him about some change coming.

He is so hard to buy for.

He never did use those tap
dancing lessons I got him last year.

You're kidding?

The hat and cane
are just gathering dust.

I hope he made sure my ex-husband
isn't bringing a date to Greg's party.

Yes, I talked to Pete. He gave his word.

Good.

Do you think he'd be upset
if I brought that guy.

Yes.

A plan begins to form.

Excuse me, are you the guy
who makes up the crossword puzzles?

The answers will be published on Sunday.

Yeah, I know that's not why I'm here.

See, my husband's birthday is coming up...

and I'm kind of stuck for a gift...

and I thought maybe
you could help me out.

Try one of those coffee makers
that grinds the beans.

Yes those are great.
But...

he's a big crossword puzzle fan.

Say no more.

-What's his name?
-Greg.

Well, he's gonna love this.

Especially the way you crossed
best and wishes.

Glad I could help. Thanks for stopping by.

Actually there's one more thing.

-Ok, what's your name?
-Oh no.

-It's all right what's your name?
-Dharma.

It's actually there's an H in there.
D-H-A...

-Damn it, I shouldn't have...
-Actually...

the reason I'm here is I was hoping
you could work the phrase:

"Happy birthday Greg, love Dharma"
into next week's crossword puzzle.

I have a very strict policy
on personal messages.

Any chance it's glad to do them?

Look, if I do happy birthday for you...

next week it's "Happy BarMitz"
for Stewart.

"Sorry about your loss Earl".

"Chevy Lumina for sale, low mileage".

Look...

my husband is
a really hard guy to buy for.

I mean he already has a drawer full
of coupon books for treats in bed which...

is partly my fault because in the moment
I tend to forget to collect the coupon.

Look, I thought wouldn't it
be great if next Sunday...

which is his birthday.

He's doing the crossword puzzle
which he loves...

and there: across:
"Dharma loves Greg".

Oh my!

Thank you Dharma.

Don't thank me Greg, thank the most
wonderful man in the world.

Your hero...

Theodore Harrison.

I'm sorry there's no way I can do this.

- How about bucks?
- Done.

Great if I had struck out with you...

he was gonna get a beer stein
and a cockatoo that said...

there's a fungus among us.

Let it happen.

Yes, these are great, Kitty.

But don't you have
any cute baby pictures of Greg...

where he has like a bowl of spaghetti
on his head...

or naked in the bathtub?

Why would I have that?

Everybody has cute bathtub pictures.

I mean I got some
doozies at Greg in the shower...

but I don't think he wants me
blowing him up for the party.

I'm sorry Dharma, this is all I have.

All right, so I'll just...

take Greg opening
his first checking account.

Sitting on Barry Goldwater's lap.

And the collage of...

blue blazers throughout the years.

-Hello Dharma.
-Hi Ed.

Kitty, I have a fella here detailing
my car, I told him to do yours too.

-Well, thank you dear.
-Glad to do it.

-Can I freshen your drink?
-You're a doll.

What are you guys fighting about?

Why on earth would you think
we're fighting?

Did you hear that Edward?
Dharma thinks we're fighting.

That's rich.

Come on, I've known you guys
for three years.

The last time you pretended
to be that nice to Edward was after...

he walked through your book club
in his underwear.

That wasn't my fault I had a slipped disc.

She knows I was hopped up on pain pills.

Yes and were you hopped up this morning...

when you gave your
ex-wife ten thousand dollars?

-It was a loan.
-It was asinine.

He wants to help the old Gray mayor
start a little business.

At least she's doing something
productive with my money...

instead of buying old furniture
that no one can sit on.

Your money? Why don't we get the lawyers
in here and find out whose money it is?

Well, thanks for everything guys.
I'll see you Sunday.

What's wrong with helping a person out?

Wake up Edward this is not a person,
this is a shrill peroxided Harvey.

Well that must be my weakness.

Sitting on new furniture
sooner than you think.

Hey buddy,
no armour at all on that white car.

So you got big plans for
a big birthday weekend?

Not really, Dharma just gonna
take me out to dinner at the club.

Quiet dinner at the country club
just the two of you.

That's sweet.

Hey listen...

this isn't the type of office...

where we buy each other
birthday presents, isn't it?

-Don't worry about it Pete.
-Oh good.

So no gifts for the birthday boy.

Excuse me.

Look at that!
We've got a client.

Right this way miss,
this is my law partner Greg.

I hope you can help me.

You see, I bought this
and it doesn't work...

so I want to sue the store.

Let me show you.

Gee.

It's working.

It's working for me.

I think... thank you very much Pete.

This is really special but we have
actual clients coming any minute.

So we got bigger problems than that Greg.

Officer what seems to be the matter?

Hold it right there miss.

You're not a real law client.

I'm going to have to arrest you.

How great is this?

Excuse me.

Please come on, at least
let her slap the handcuffs on.

Thank you very much ladies,
we're gonna have to take a rain check.

Come on girls dude just hang out
here for a minute to have a soda.

I'll talk to him.

What birthday you got coming up, man?

The big seven old?

This may come to surprise
you but I'm not really...

into strippers at nine o'clock
in the morning.

Well...

we'll have a couple drinks.

We'll bring him back in.

We got minutes.

We have work to do.

So do they.

Thank you for the birthday present.
I really appreciate the sentiment.

Forget the sentiment they
frisk each other.

I'm sure they do.

All right grandpa.

I'll go talk to the girls.

I'll be back...

in like minutes.

Hey, you got any singles.

I'm gonna need some tucking in money.

Hello!

In the kitchen.

Is that Greg? Yeah.

But he turned out fine.

Honey we need to talk
to you about something.

Sure.

Your father and I have given
this a lot of thought...

and as long as you're having Greg's
birthday party at that country club...

we cannot attend.

So here's his present.

What?

I thought you were over your problem
with the oppressive elitism inherent...

in the private watering holes
of the uber class.

We are but it has
come to our attention that...

the fat cats at that country club...

are committing environmental genocide,
and why?

So they can build themselves another
fat cat driving range. It's a sweater.

What exactly are the fat cats doing?

Abby?
They're relocating wild bees.

And squirrels, birds, chipmunks
and rabbits.

No, actually Larry,
it's just bees.

-Just bees, nothing furry?
-No.

I'm sorry Dharma...

if you want us to come you'll have to
find some other place to have the party.

It's tomorrow, Abby.

Wait a minute. We're giving up a free
buffet for some lousy bees?

You know they're
giving up their homes, Larry.

So what? I'll be there.
No.

You will not.

Come on, I was with you on fur,
I was with you on the owls...

I was with you on the creepy
little fish with the under-bite.

But I gotta draw the line on bees.

You know I think maybe
we should discuss this...

at home Larry after
you've read the literature.

I'll see you tomorrow.
You will not.

You could have told me it was just bees.

I told you three times Larry.

That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

Bye.

Good morning.
Happy birthday old timer.

Thank you.

Here's your muffin...

and your coffee...

and your pencil and your crossword puzzle.

Thank you.

Looks like a good one this week.

You know what I've been thinking...

we should get out and do
more stuff on the weekends.

No.

No.

It's sunday it's your
birthday do your crossword.

No, I can do that anytime.

-Come on, we'll go rollerblading.
-No roller boring.

Hey check this out...

six letters...

a smug cat's snack or a coal mine
fatality. What in the heck could that be?

Canary.

You ready too nope we're
going to go out and enjoy the day.

Four-letter word for crap.

Come on honey,
let's do the crossword puzzle.

Easy doesn't.
I'm okay.

I'm sorry I ruined our rollerblading.

No I feel bad you didn't
even get your skates on.

Well, you know what they say...

most skating accidents happen when
you're pulling your socks on too fast.

-Sit down I'll get you some ice.
-No, I'll get it. It's your birthday.

You sit down, you relax, do whatever
you want.

Here's your crossword puzzle.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna watch some football.

Instead of your crossword puzzle?

I guess I can do both at the same time.

I should hope so a man of your education.

Don't worry, I got it.
You just enjoy your crosswords puzzle.

-Hello.
-Hi pumpkin.

Hey lair what's up did you talk to Abby?

Yes I did.

And I think we're all
on the same page here.

That's great so she's coming?

No, not that page.

As it turns out I was wrong about
the bees and I can't come either.

Larry don't do this to me.

Hang on.

-Hello.
-Dharma I'm in love.

Great Jane, I'm very happy for you.

I got a problem with my parents.
Can I call you back?

Sure, I just wanted you to know
I have to bring him to Greg's party.

Hang on.

Hey larry I'm back.

Who's this?

Dharma.

I was just going to call you.
You did Larry.

You guys have to come.

Well that's gonna be tough
because we're not coming.

I gotta go.

Jane.

It's been a long time
since I had a good orange.

Jane.

See I just got divorced.
Are you there Jane?

You can't bring a date.
You and Pete agreed no dates.

Hang on.

Hello.

Dharma, Edward and I regret. We
will be unable to attend Gregory's party.

No regretting you have to...

not regret that. Yeah everything all right
everything's fine.

Honey everything's fine.
-I'm sorry.

Dharma!

Hang on kitty.

Hang on Jane.

Honey you forgot your crossword puzzle.

Oh you know what?

I'm not gonna
do it it's kind of hard this week.

Kind of hard? What kind of talk is that?

Well just not into it what do you need
an easier one.

How about the one from the tv guide?

Two letters duke's blank hazard.

Is that easy now for you?

Why are you being so mean to me?

Because I hate
to see you give up like this.

Jane.

Jane you can't bring a date.

Jane.

Jane.

Kitty!

I'm sorry we will meet
you for a drink before or after.

But we will not set foot
in that country club.

Why? Does this have anything
to do with bees?

Bees?

Hang on.

Hello.

Ma'am let me just start by saying this is
not a sales call I'm not selling anything.

Listen I'm sorry I can't talk right now.

What would you say if I told you that
you could save a month on canned goods.

I don't know what I would
say can you hang on.

Hello Kitty.

-It's your country club.
-Yes!

And Edward got his ex-wife the catering
contract for the whole damn place.

You want the money paid back,
the woman has to get some work.

Why doesn't she go
back to her old line of work?

Or is the fleet not in?

It's completely uncalled for.

What are you implying?

Kitty, I'm coming over.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to take
a b*ating all my canned goods...

I'm up to my ass
and bees and ex-wives.

You, rick van winkle...

-What are you doing?
-What?

I got some errands to run I'll be back
in a little while.

I want that puzzle done
by the time I get back

happy birthday sweetie.

You know you are so smart the way
you figure all this out.

Sudsy street pulpit?

I have no idea what that is.
Neither do I.

That's cause you're not trying.
Now get to it suddenly street pulpit go.

Your ankle all better?

No, but I'm not gonna baby it.

Hi Dharma.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd drag the birthday boy off
for a round of golf.

I'm sorry, he can't play golf, he's doing
his crossword puzzle.

Come on, it's a beautiful day.

How many Sundays do we get like this?

Yeah, sun's out big deal, get a life.

Listen, Jane is bringing a date
to the party tonight.

Wait a minute, we agreed no
dates.

Yeah, cry me a river.
What do you want me to do about it?

I can't show up alone.

Then get yourself a date.

But tonight...

forget it, I just won't go.

I swear if one more person tells me
they are not going to this party tonight...

I will reach into their chest and pull
out their b*ating heart. Just get a date.

Come on, it is your only son's birthday,
how can you not be there?

Dharma, if you don't
think this pains me you're wrong.

But as long as that woman is is catering
this affair I cannot attend.

-Kitty!
-I am sorry.

I'm a very sensitive person I have
feelings too.

Well, you do.

You're a kind and
gentle soul...

but did you ever consider the fact...

that Edward's ex-wife will be running
around in an apron waiting on you.

You didn't did you?

It would be somewhat humiliating for her.
Cocktails at seven, dinners today.

Bad Dharma, shame on you.

And by not being there
the country club wins.

They don't know your home protesting...

they just get to go on k*lling bees...

till the cows come home and
then they'll go after the cows.

You know you're right.
I have to be there...

and make a statement.
Right.

Somebody's got to speak for the bees.
Sure.

But no signs no marching and
no throwing honey on people.

Don't worry, honey.

I won't disrupt greg's birthday.

But if I got a chance to
get up on my little soapbox...

Soapbox?

What?
Sudsy street pulpit?

Soapbox. I gotta go.

Dharma, I gotta tell you I'm not really
in the mood for a big dinner.

lighten up, It's your birthday.

well without having fingers
it hasn't been very fun.

I know, I'm sorry.

this is gonna make everything all right.

we'll have a nice romantic dinner,
some wine

and I even thought
you might be able to finish this.

why did you bring the crossword puzzle?

because you're almost done see
soapbox gives you Xanadu and ombudsman.

Dharma, I don't give a damn
about the puzzle, I want to go home.

well you can't. why not? because of this.

surprise.

-All that for me.
-Yeah, and it wasn't easy.

I also got this for you too.

see, you fill this in here...

and then...

there...

now read it. across.

-Charma loves Greb.
-What?

Dharma loves Greb.

you did this? what a great present?

yeah well next year you're getting a tie.

why is it Greb?
down, is hog tied not hobbled.

oh look at that.

I love you Charma.
I love you Greb.

can we go home now?
you know we can't.

come on, we'll just go in there
and give them a chance to yell surprise.

I really don't think this appropriate.

Just give them a minute.