04x11 - The Box

[bunniefuu]

I can fix the frame...

but you really did a job
on this box spring and mattress.

It was our anniversary last night,
so we kind of kicked it up a notch.

Congratulations.

Thanks. What about
the shelves back there?

How'd you do that?

OK, you know how it's impossible to get
any traction on silk sheets.

Dharma!

Can you just give us
a price on all the damage?

All right, well I...

starting in the bathroom.

Your shower head needs to
be reattached to the wall.

I told you it wouldn't hold your weight.

And you were right.

Go ahead.

That window glass
might be hard to match.

Yeah Greg was doing a Striptease
and he kicked off a shoe.

Why don't we just show him
the videotape?

Honey, no one likes
to sit through home movies.

Yeah.

- What anniversary was this?
- Three and a half.

Nice, you guys gonna be putting
my kids through college.

Glad to help there's also some damage
in the apartment downstairs.

Put that on our bill too.

We knocked their ceiling fan
clean off its brackets.

But if they ask all the bees are dead
and I'm fine.

What?

It was late when they called,
I had to think fast.

I don't think they bought it.

..

You know it's amazing with all the
advances with the internet and cloning...

you still have to bring
a mattress home the hard way.

or the record Larry. It was free
delivery until you started negotiating.

Free delivery!

sure, as long as you buy the mattress.

Larry we did buy it.

Never mind.

You might want to wait
till we get the old one out.

Hey!

Look at you... thinking.

Dharma, have you talked
to your mother lately?

Yeah this morning?

Did she happen to mention
maybe why she hates me?

She doesn't hate you Larry,
she just had a baby.

it's perfectly natural to be depressed
after you've had a baby.

My mom's still depressed.

Maybe I should get her a gift.

No, just tell her you love her...

that you'll always be there for her
and then give her lots of big hugs.

she can get that
from some crazy homeless guy.

cr*ck open your wallet
and buy something.

What do you think I should get her?

I don't know, something that
says, "I think you're pretty"...

like a blouse, or a male prost*tute.

that's probably
more than I want to spend.

Hey Jane, check this out.

Guys, I'm a little stuck here.

Then get her a scarf.

I found this under Greg's side of the bed.

Open it up.
It's locked.

Why would Greg keep
a locked box under the bed?

I knew a guy who had a box like that.

It turned out it was full of fingernail
clippings from everybody in his building

I don't think my husband is
some kind of psycho manicurist.

No woman wants to think that
about her husband.

I don't know she's got plenty of scarves.

I'll just put it back and if Greg wants
to tell me what's in it...

he'll tell me.

I'll bet it's naked
pictures of his old girlfriends.

Well, that would be fine.

Framed with your fingernail clippings.

Come on, let's bust it open.

No, no we can't.

But if it happened to open accidentally
while we're moving the bed.

That's a good strong box.

Yes it is.

I'm really stuck.

Try looking through some catalogs.

Boy I wish there was another way
I could phrase this.

Come on Dharma,
let's break in the new mattress.

Don't you want to fill out
the warranty card first?

A brand new bed and a pretty girl,
I couldn't be happier.

Me too.

What's the deal with the locked box
under your side of the bed?

What?

The box that's under
your side of the bed...

that isn't mine...
that's locked.

That's just some old stuff.

-Well, I put it back under the bed.
-Thanks.

Jane wanted to open it but I said
no siree that is Greg's box.

If he wants me to know what's in it,
he'll tell me or show me.

But... that is up to him.

You.

Until then that box remains
undisturbed directly beneath us.

Actually a little over right about there.

Does it bother you
that I have a box under the bed?

No no.

I'm just a little curious why you feel the
need to keep secrets from me, that's all.

It's not secret, it's...

- private.
- I don't see the difference.

Well if it was secret it would
be something that I was hiding from you.

So I can see what's inside?

I'd rather you didn't, it's private.

Ok.

You'll tell me if the box was
full of weird creepy stuff though, right?

What do you mean
by weird creepy stuff?

I don't know,
other people's fingernails.

What's creepy about that?

Hey Ed, I was just coming up to see you.

I thought we agreed you
wouldn't do that.

This is kind of an emergency.

Like yesterday
when you couldn't remember...

the name of the george segal movie?

Worse.

Let me ask you something.

What do you get a woman who just
had a baby and is feeling kind of fat?

And don't say pancho...

because I gave her one
at dinner and it made her really mad.

That would hide the fat.

That's what I told her.

You know I usually get Kitty
a little perfume...

or a nice outfit if I really have to kiss
some patootie a piece of pricey jewelry.

- So you just pick something out?
- Oh God no, that would be su1c1de.

Kitty does the shopping,
she has it wrapped...

sent over to the office I take
it home she pretends she's surprised...

and I pretend I'm not.

So I should get Kitty to help me shop.

I would...

because I'm always happy
with the stuff I get her.

Right, thanks Ed.
Sure.

This is the lobby, aren't you coming?

No, I want to stay here
and listen to the rest of the song.

Why wouldn't he want to tell me
what's in the box?

How bad could it be?

Yeah that's what I thought
until I opened the box this thing came in.

Well it's the thought that counts.

What's the thought here?
My old lady is a giant toaster.

For a small foreign car.

Oh jeez.

Ok, I'm sorry honey we were talking
about you and Greg.

You can't have a good marriage if
you keep secrets from each other right?

You know honey, I think a few secrets
are okay maybe even healthy.

You know what really ruins
a relationship?

Ponchos.

He was just trying to cheer you up.

I know, and I'm tired and hormonal...

and I'm having those typical
new mommy fantasies...

of k*lling the daddy in his sleep...

that's a secret you're keeping from him.
No he knows.

All right.

Do you think I should just quit bugging
Greg about what's in the box?

Yeah I do.

Okay.

What do you think's in it?

Let's start at Neiman's move on Sex...

to possibly bloomingdale's...

but then there's always
the risk of running into...

one of those dreadful one day sales.

How many cows you figure die
to make these seats?

I don't know, Larry.

There's a manual
in the glove compartment.

I really want to thank you
for helping me out here.

I mean I thought I hit a home run
with the pancho, but go figure.

You did the right thing
coming to me, Larry.

Just between us,
if there was a nobel prize for shopping...

Kitty montgomery
would know where to buy it.

Carpet in this car
is the softest thing I ever felt.

Larry, put your shoes back on.

Hey.
Hey.

What you got there?

Kind of tears you up
that you don't know?

Not really.

Good, because I decided I need
a box of my own...

to keep things that are private to me.

Private.

Okay.

You want a ride to work?
No thanks.

I have to wait till you leave,
so I can put this somewhere...

where you won't find it
for three years.

Dharma...

Ok, it's q-tips
and some canadian change...

now tell me what's in yours.

You know what...

wait here a minute.

Here's the box.

Here's the key.

I'd like to have a little privacy,
but it's not worth driving you crazy.

Okay well thanks.

I'm gonna go now.
Ok, have a good day.

Bye.

Oh you evil bastard.

This is a lovely purse.
Great, let's take it.

Larry, you can't take
the first thing that you see.

Kitty...

I'm not very good at this,
just tell me what I'm looking for.

Larry, you will know it when you see it,
it will speak to you.

It will say take me I'm yours.

Will you hear it too?

Mrs montgomery,
always a pleasure to see you.

Charles.

- You did not buy that here.
- You caught me.

Charles, this is my...

Larry.

And he's looking for a gift for his...

woman.

I needed to talk to me.

I know just what you mean.

Great, wrap it up.

- Hey, that wasn't so painful.
- Relax Larry.

Charles we could use a little champagne,
we're going to browse.

Certainly.

Kitty, you're being a real sport here.
Let me buy the champagne.

- It's free Larry.
- Sure, if you buy the bags.

Look at this scarf.
It's nice.

All right, now look at this one.

Well, this seems a little nicer.

And you are right.

It is twice as nice.

Have you seen anything you like?

Like, yes.

Love, no.

Hurry, you are doing beautifully.

Charlie,

stay close with the champagne.

Bless me father for I have sinned.

Well, actually I haven't sinned yet...

unless it's a sin to use a confessional
if you're not catholic.

I mean don't get me wrong.

It's not like I've never done anything bad,
I'm a leggy blonde trouble finds me.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yes, the reason I am here...

is because I heard you guys
are really good at keeping secrets.

Do you have a mustache?

Do you have anything
to confess my child?

Ok, here's the deal.

My husband has this lock box
full of secret stuff...

which is bugging the HG
double hockey sticks out of me.

If you know what I mean.

And he gave me the key and
he said that I can open it if I want to.

But I'm afraid that if I do that
it'll mean that I don't trust him...

which is where you come in.

The box is outside of your little door.

The keys on top of it,
and if you could just open it...

and let me know if there's
anything in there...

that I should worry
about I'd really appreciate it.

I don't know that's not
the kind of thing we normally do.

Pretty please, with the saint on top.

All right.

You know, as long as I'm here...

one time when I was I did something
with a baseball player...

whose name I don't want to mention...

which may have affected
the outcome of the world series.

Which I had money on.

Coincidentally.

See anything good yet?

- Ok, I am opening up the box.
- Yeah.

Ooh like ohh, or ohh like oh?

I remember these.

Remember what?
What do you remember?

It's not something you had
to give up to be a priest, is it?

Interesting.

Yep, I knew it.

I knew it was something interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you trust your husband?

Sure, yes of course.

Then forget about the box.

So you're saying there's nothing
in there for me to worry about.

I am saying that if you love
and you trust your husband...

you should forget about the box.

I guess you're probably right.

Well thank you father.

Over and out, amen.

Yeah, as long as I got you here...

I'm , I'm in Cabo,
lots of tequila...

long story short...

I joined the mexican coast guard.

I never report for duty...

but every time I'm in mexico I use the
ID card to get into movies for half price.

Where do you think I stand on this,
morally speaking?

You shouldn't do that.

Well, this looks promising.

You have said that
in every store in san francisco.

And once in the Versace parking garage.

I'm sorry, I'm trying,
nothing's speaking to me.

You understand
I did not mean that literally.

May I help you?
Probably not, but take your best sh*t.

I got it, Kitty.

I'm shopping for a gift
for someone special,

I don't know what it is
but I'll know it when I see it.

All right, why don't we take a look
at some bracelets that I think you'll love.

Well I might like them...

but I can't promise love.

Yes, yes, I heard you.

Excellent.

I lost my buzz somewhere
between neimans, and bloomies.

You know...

I'm starting to think
that the perfect gift for Abby...

would be lingerie.

It's a shame that didn't occur to
you when we were in a lingerie store.

Hey I was a little distracted.

I mean when did they
start putting nipples on mannequins.

Larry, please...

just buy something so we can go.

Oh these are nice.

This is...

hey wait a minute.

False alarm.

What is wrong with that?
Didn't speak to me.

I am speaking to you Larry,
pick something out.

Hang on a sec.

- What have we here?
- It's beautiful, it's perfect buy it.

Come on Kitty, is it?

It's a cheap knockoff of a Cartier.

Thank you.

- Is there a lingerie store nearby?
- No Larry, there is not.

Actually ma'am there is...

La Perla's just two blocks down and...

maurice saint laurent's
just around the corner.

Of course there's always
victoria's secret at the mall.

The mall, come on Kitty.

You will burn in hell for this.

Hey.
Hey sugar.

Sugar?

I thought I'd try it, but I didn't like it.

That's okay, sometimes you got
to try these things out.

Listen um...

about the box, I'm sorry.

The more I think about it
I love you and I trust you...

and if you want to have someplace
that's private you're entitled to that.

- So you didn't open the box?
- Nope.

I can honestly say
that I did not open the box.

I mean I considered it...

but I figured either a-there's nothing in
it that I would be concerned about...

or b-there's something
I would be concerned about...

but I shouldn't be and by not showing
it to me you're really doing me a favor...

unless It's c-something I would be
concerned about...

but you're oblivious to the fact
that I'd be concerned about it...

which I guess makes c
a bit of a problem.

But not as big of a problem as d...

where you know I'd be upset
You're just screwing with me...

which brings me to e which is
too twisted for me to even say.

But the fact that I can think it means
we've got some real problems here.

Okay sugar.

Hey, have got a minute?

What?

Look, I know you feel
a little unappreciated lately...

and maybe a little fat...

but I'm not gonna get into that...

because you're not.

You're my beautiful wife...

who has given birth to my beautiful son.

And here...

you like it.

I love it it's just like the one Kitty wears.

I know you always say
how much you love it.

Where did you get it? Hers was
custom-made by a jeweler in paris.

Really?

I got this in town.

Was it expensive?

No, the woman practically threw it at me.

I love it, I love it. Thank you.

That's weird.

Why do you put a picture
of Greg in there?

That's not Greg.

Hi honey, how'd you sleep?

Where's the box? It's not under the bed.

It's right there.

I slept pretty well myself.

It's empty.

I emptied it.

Did we get a new box?

There's no more box Dharma.

Well, what is it now some kind of bag?

I still don't think it's wrong for a person
to want a little private space...

but it was obviously driving you crazy,
and you were starting to...

scare me a little bit so...

I thought we should move on.

So what, you got a locker
at the bus terminal?

I put everything that was in the box away.

What do you mean away? Where away?

Here, in the apartment.

Where in the apartment?

Well depends on the thing
I put things where they belonged.

I mean on tables and on shelves...

and in drawers?
I gotta go, I'm late for work.

Wait a minute I never saw this before.

Was this in the box?

Oh no this was always here.

Bye darling.

But it's this kind of thing,
right?

Like little memento thingies.

Oh no, this is mine.

Oh my god, I'm in the box.