05x22 - Ash Clown

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Q having a breakdown?

I can't open it.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Why is Joe getting pushy?

I know. But you just go
that way first. That's all.

[ Both laugh ]

Narrator: And which losing Joker
is making all dogs go to heaven

in tonight's big punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today,
we're in New York City at Specs!

While working
the sales floor,

we'll have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

May the coolest Joker win.

-Yeah, Murr!
-You're gonna win!

-You're gonna win!
-[ Laughing ]

-Two best friends at work again.
-Yeah, here we go.

There's your partner.

Is this homeboy sporting
a Suplex City shirt?

Suplex City?
All right, very cool, very cool.

Sal, this guy
that Murray's helping,

go give him a warning.

-For what?
-For whatever you think.

[ Laughing ]

-I'm James, by the way.
-Excuse me, sir. Hi. Sal.

How are you?

Yeah, I just -- I heard
you guys speaking about...

I work with him.

...about social things at first
with the WWE Raw.

Yes.

Yeah, this is just gonna be
a first warning.

You know, we're gonna stick
to business here.

Let's please not talk about
any social things, okay?

Other than that,
if you need help, let us know,

but just a warning.

[ Both laugh ]

Let's try these just for shape,
okay?

Uh-oh, uh-oh.
The guy touched the merchandise.

Aww.

That's got to be it.
I'm sorry.

You know, we can't have you
touching the glasses.

These are pieces of artwork.
They're very expensive.

Two.

Murr, start blaming him,
start blaming him.

Why did you do that?

[ Both laugh ]

Joe: Look at Sal.
Look at him.

Let's just be cool
with this.

[ Both laugh ]

-He caught Sal staring at him.
-Staring at him, yeah.

He put his hands
behind his back.

[ Both laugh ]

That shape's not bad for you.

Hmm.

Nice.

[ Both laugh ]

Murr,
hand him glasses to hold.

Look at these.

That's it, man.
Get the [bleep] out.
Whoa!

[ Both laugh ]
This is it.
This is your last warning.

Goodbye.

[ Both laugh ]

Sal, I want you to spit-shine
those glasses for her.

Oh, God.

Using your boxer shorts.

[ Both laugh ]

I'll show you right now.
This is actually, uh...

These are one of
our hottest sellers.

They just came in.
So you want to try these on.

[ Both laughing ]

I sell five a day.

Five a day.
You're gonna love them.

[ Both laugh ]

There's no way she puts them on,
right?
No way puts them on.

[ Both laughing ]

Oh, now these...

Now those --
those are not --

These are not as popular.
I've yet to sell a pair.

[ Laughing ]

Sal...
[ Loudly clears throat ]

[ Loudly
clearing throat ]

Oh, okay.

[ Both laugh ]

Welcome to Specs.
How are you, sir?

Are you a painter?

Are you a painter,
by the way?

[ Laughing ]

You know, 'cause you have paint
all over you.

You know?
I thought it was...

Are you like a hunter
or a soldier?

Oh.

Yeah, I see it.

Yeah, you do.
It looks great, man.

Sal,
wander over to that guy

and ask him for an estimate
on a x room in blue.

Hey,
can I ask you a question?

I just got a new place.

I'm remodeling,

and I'm looking
to get this room --
it's a x room.

I'm gonna get it done
in sky blue.

How much would you charge
for something like that?

No, no, no, Sal.
Sal, he -- it's camo.

He's not a painter.
I thought the same thing.

It's camo.
He's a soldier.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh.

You paint on the side,
then.

Painting is on the side?
Is that what it is?

I knew it! I knew it!
You were a painter.

I knew it!

x . It's a x room
is what I'm saying.

How much
should they charge you?
Yeah.

Go on craigslist.

-Thanks, Sherman Moore.
-Yeah.

Benjamin Moore?

Oh, Benjamin Moore.
Sherman...

-Sherman Williams.
-Thanks, Sherman Williams.

Yeah, Sherman Williams.
[ Laughter ]

-Murr, one last question.
-Bud, one -- one last question.

-One last question.
-What's up?

What'd you have for lunch that
you got gold all in your teeth?

It's not raining out, right?
No, good.

[ Both laugh ]

-Damn it.
-Nice.

At the buzzer.

How you doing today?
All right?

Good. Looking for anything
in particular,

or just browsing around?
Cool.

We'll take the loss,
straight out,

if one of you guys
pantses him.

[ Laughing ]

-No, no, no, no, no!
-No, Joe!

[ Both laugh ]

Looking for anything
in particular

or just browsing around?
Cool.

We'll take the loss,
straight out,

if one of you guys
pantses him.

[ Laughing ]

-No, no, no, no, no!
-No, Joe!

No, no, no!

[ Both laugh ]
Aww.

Hey, how's it going, man?

So, we planted a prop for Joe
to help this customer out.

Joey, put it on.

You need help
with something?

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, yeah, yeah, we got
all of them all up in here.

The guy
won't look him in the face.

[ Both laugh ]

Look at Q!

Switch the patch
to the other eye right now.

Did I hear that you were asking
for your girlfriend or for you?

No, I asked him --
These are for him, right?

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Coughs ]

Do it again.
Keep doing it, keep doing it.

What about the old-fashioned
Ray-Ban Wayfarers, man?

The classics are good,
'cause I got the bad left eye.

[ Both laugh ]

Can you put it
between the two eyes?

People say classic,
this is what I always go to,

because --
Check that out.

[ Both laugh ]

Those work out nice
'cause I got the --

I got the --
I got the two bad eyes.

That's good.

[ Laughing ]

Hi. How are you?

Q, show her some glasses
in the case right behind you.

Try to open it,

and when you can't,
resort to smashing it.

[ Laughing ]

That's a good one.

Hey,
we're having a sale today

on some Aviators,

some old-school-type
Ray-Bans.

You want to take a look at them?
All right, no problem.

I -- I can't open it.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, Joe!
Try to sell those glasses!

Yeah, these -- these are nice.
This frame here is a --

This is a good --
That's the classic.

All on sale.

We also got the Aviators.

Joe, ask her, "So you definitely
don't want these?"

You definitely
don't want these, right?

So throw them on the ground,
then, Q, smash them.

Here you go.

You could wear anything,
actually.

Any of them.

[ Both laughing ]

But they were $ , buy one,
get one for these guys.

These are just today.

She's having a completely normal
conversation.

That's why I really like
the color on them.

These are just fun.

Yeah, we normally have them
on display right out front.

For me, it's between those
and the Aviators.

I'll hold this here.

Q smash!

Um, and then this is --
this is not --

This is
a little too masculine.

You're gonna pick
between these two.

She's ignoring it!
She's ignoring it!

Uh...

I couldn't find the key.

-Oh.
-I had it.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Sal and Murr
couldn't see eye-to-eye,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're going head-to-head
at Food Bazaar Supermarket,

playing a game
called Pass My Message.

To start, one guy
will be given a message

that he has to get a customer
to deliver to the other guy.

And then the other guy will
have to get that same customer

to relay a message back,
and so on and so on.

If you can't get the customer
to go back

and relay your message,
you lose.

Joe: There we go.

So, we got to get somebody
to pass a message

back and forth to us,
right?

Yes.
The last message wins.

-Can you do me a favor?
-Uh-huh.

My buddy working over there,
I got to ask him a question.

Do you still want
to play Ninjas later?

Does he still want to play
Ninjas later?

Yeah, thank you, buddy.

[ Both laugh ]

He's coming back!

Hey.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's my friend.

Oh, he wants to know if I want
to play Ninjas tonight?

Tell him, "Maybe.
What time you thinking?"

Thanks, bud.

-Look at this.
-Oh, man.

I can't believe
this is working.

Oh, I don't know.
I mean, if it's --

You figure it's : now.

By the time we get out,
get ready,

can you tell him
about : ?

-By : ?
-Yeah, thank you so much.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, this guy
is way too nice.

Way too nice.

Oh. I can't do : .
Ask him if : is okay.

-About : ?
- : . Thank you, bud.

Thank you so much.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, look at him go!

He can do it at : ?

I just don't know if he wants to
go to his place or mine.

-Okay.
-Thank you so much.

[ Both laugh ]

I cannot believe
what people will do!

-Oh, to his place or mine?
-Yeah.

To play Ninjas.
One sec, one sec.

No, no, no.

Oh, oh, oh!
He's out!

Come on! Come on!

Just one last message.

Just tell him his place
has more crime,

so let's play
Ninjas there.

Just one -- just one --

[ Both laugh ]

Son of a bitch!

Unbelievable!

Wow.

Damn it.

[ Buzzer ]

All right.

Excuse me.
Are you going that way?

-Yeah.
-Can I ask you for a favor?

My manager's been yelling at me
all day.

That's my buddy down there.

Could you give him
a message for me?

Tell him, "I thought
you could take a compliment."

He's a little angry
with me.

Could you just tell him
I thought he could take
a compliment?

Because my manager's
screaming at me

that I'm not doing this.

I'm in a little bit
of trouble right now.

Thank you.
Thanks so much.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
-The game is on.

Okay, yeah.

Oh. Well,
I'll ask your opinion.

"Your nose looks small in that
hat"? That's a compliment?

[ Both laugh ]

Could you just do me a favor
and just give him your opinion

and tell him I don't think
that was a compliment?

Because I don't even want to
deal with it.

Just go ahead. Go back over
there and just tell him that.

You can, watch.
Here, let me help you out.

I know. But just go
that way first. That's all.

[ Both laughing ]

Okay, I'm sorry.
I hurt his feelings.

I didn't mean to.

Yeah.

That wasn't nice?

[ Both laugh ]

So what's a good compliment,
then?

That's great.
Could you tell him?

I can't do it, no.

Please, I'm in trouble!
My boy's so angry with me.

You're headed that way anyway.

No, you're headed that way
anyway.

Could you just tell him that
I think he's a beautiful man

and a good, hard worker?

Thank you.
You're an angel.

Just one more good deed.

Please, please, please, please?
One more good dead?

[ Both laugh ]

Sal: I think
Joe's in trouble here.

Hi, babe.

[ Laughing ]

Have a good day.
I got to go.

-Do me a solid.
-[ Laughing ] No, no.

Look at me in the eyes.
Look at me in the eyes.

Do you believe in love?

You believe in love.
Yes.

Could you do me a favor
and just go over there and
tell him I still love him?

Just go and -- [ laughs ]
Just, please.

You're already facing that way.
Just go over there.

He better not tell me
to give you any more --

Oh, yeah, if he does,
don't do it.

Tell him I forgive him
and I love him,

and that's it.

It comes from you,
and that's it.

Thank you.

You're the best, baby.
Thank you.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Q, you're screwed.

-Does he forgive me?
-Yeah, please go tell him.

Could you --
could you tell him that I --

I hope
he'll still be my friend?

Can you just tell him

that I hope we can
still be friends after this?

Thank you.

She's going back!

I'm the best. Okay.

Tell him I said,
no, he's the best.

[ Both laugh ]

Please just tell him I said,
no --

Do that and tell him I said,
no, you're the best.

You're the best.
No, you're the best.

Thank you.
I love your face.

Thank you. Cupid.
You're my Cupid!

We get in trouble with the boss.
He's watching.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, my God!

I'm the best?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

[ Both laugh ]

Sal: He is done.
He is done.

Could you just ask him if
he thinks I'm better than Ray?

I'm the best?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

[ Both laugh ]

He is done.
He is done.

Could you just ask him if
he thinks I'm better than Ray?

[ Both laugh ]

'Cause you got to go down there
and get it anyway.

Could you ask him if he thinks
I'm better than Ray?

Ray works
in the meat section.

He's always hanging out
with Ray.

[ Laughing ]

-Oh-ho!
-She's walking!

Q, it was over!
I thought he was dead!

Oh, I love him better
than Ray.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Buzzer ]

Q comes back in the bottom
of the th with outs!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

I thought it was over.

Narrator: Joe and Murr
couldn't pass it on,

so they'll be continuing this
conversation on the loser board.

Well, it's Sal vs. Murr in
the Joker vs. Joker Challenge.

Today, you have to get people
to join your protest.

But they don't know
what they're protesting

because the signs
have been written by me and Q.

If we can't get someone to join
our ridiculous protest, we lose.

I am winning.

How do you plan
on doing that?

I don't know.

I feel like
the world needs to know

that we should
make jail fun.

That's just
good future planning for you.

[ Laughter ]

Make jail fun!

Sir,
shouldn't we make jail fun?

Right?
Then they'll stay there.

[ Laughter ]

Make jail fun!
Make jail fun!
[ Horn blares ]

Get out of the street.

Make jail fun!

Make -- Make jail fun, right?

Come on, hold -- Come on!
Come on!

Make jail fun!

Just hold it for a second.
Protest with me.

Woman: Make jail fun!

Make jail fun!

[ Horn honking ]
Make jail fun!

Unbelievable!

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

I'm ready to start a movement,
and this is my cause.

"Dig up Gandhi"?

Oh, my God!

You know,
he's got to be dug up.

It's for
very important reasons,

which you're about to tell
everyone on these streets.

Dig up Gandhi!
Dig up Gandhi!

I'm trying to dig up --
Right?

Dig up Gandhi?

Yes, I'm trying to dig up
Gandhi, right?

My mother went to India
like years ago --

No! And I think he's my father,
but I need proof.

So I want to dig him up
and do, like, a DNA test.

I might be his son.

[ Laughs ]

He's not cremated?
You're sure?

No, I don't think so.

You don't think so?
You better find out for sure.

This is what
we're trying to find out.

[ Laughs ]
I love that dude.

Yeah,
let's try to find out.

Joe: This is not good.

I'm gonna go do that right now,
but hold that for a second.

I'm sorry.
This is a loss.

I should get his record,
yeah.

Yeah, I know.
I know.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

All right, bud.

Let's see what you got.

"'I' before 'E,'
my wife is a 'C.'"

[ Laughter ]

How do I justify that?

I don't know.
It's not my job.

This wipes out
any females helping me.

Why?

You're assuming
"C" is a bad word.
Yeah.

"'I' before 'E,'
my wife is a 'C.'"

[ Laughter ]

It's "'I' before 'E,'"
everyone else in the household.

"My wife is a chef."

I get home from work, and
there's no dinner left for me.

What? [ Laughs ]

I should come before
everyone else in the house.

Save me some food,
is all I'm saying.

No?

I'm working.

No, she's not.

Oh, yeah, but like --

Like she's
a stay-at-home chef.

No, I know how to cook.
I'm just saying I'm hungry, man.

[ Laughter ]

"C U Next Tuesday."

Oh.

People
aren't talking to me

'cause they think
I'm calling my wife a...

[ Laughs ]

-You want to help me protest?
-No!

[ Laughter ]

I bet, yeah, yeah --

Your wife made you dinner,
you son of a 'B'!

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: Sal and Murr
couldn't spread the word,

which makes Murr
tonight's big loser.

Today, we are at
the Boys & Girls Club
of Hudson County

for Murr's punishment.

Murr, we got a bunch
of little kids together

for a cool
career job fair.

Yeah. All you got to do is
go out there

and explain your career
to these kids.

What's my career?

It's a great one.
You're gonna love it.

Let's just say you're gonna
connect with these kids
on a different level.

So, I'll tell you a little bit
about how I got started fencing.

I was a little bit older
than you guys.

Joe: Careers are exciting.

These kids
are full of potential.

They could be anything
they want to be.

The potential in this room
is incredible.

They could all be
photographers or...

Yoga instructors.
...yoga instructors,
or maybe what Murray does.

Who knows?

Thank you, guys.

And I'm gonna introduce
James Murray to the stage.

Give him a round of applause.

-There we go.
-And here we go.

Hi, everybody.

All: Hi.

My name is James Murray.

I'm here to talk to you
about my career.

What is it?
Good question.

Let's take a look
at the screen.

Let's take a look at the screen.

Narrator: When you wake up to
a loved one dead on the couch,

what do you do with the body?

Turn to James S. Murray for
all your pet cremation needs.

He'll even do turtles,

burning the body
in an , -degree oven

and grinding shell and bone
into a fine dust.

Man: Cowabunga, dude!

Narrator: Also, if you are
over the age of

and seeking a divorce,

James S. Murray will get you
the justice you deserve.

♪ For pet cremation ♪

♪ Grandparent divorce ♪

♪ Call James S. Murray,
of course ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

Please call now.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: That's what I do.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] I cremate pets,

and I help grandparents
get divorced.

[ Laughter ]

♪ For pet cremation ♪

♪ Grandparent divorce ♪

♪ Call James S. Murray,
of course ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

Please call now.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: That's what I do.

[ Laughing ] I cremate pets,

and I help grandparents
get divorced.

Who here has pets?

Who here has pets?

[ Laughter ]

Who here
has grandparents?

Oh.

Jackpot!

[ Laughter ]

Get one
of their pets' names.

Who has a pet?
Okay. What's your pet's name?

Royal?
Royal, the dog.

How old is Royal?
, okay.

-Getting up there!
-Getting up there!

He's getting up there.

[ Laughter ]

How big is he?

Is he a small dog
or a pretty big dog?

Royal will be cremated
in about minutes.

Royal,
since he's a small dog,

it -- oh.

[ Laughter ]

It'll be pretty easy
to cremate Royal,

'cause he's a tiny dog,

so that'll only take
like , minutes, at most.

[ Laughter ]

Does anyone know
what divorce is?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Does anyone know
what divorce is?

-I do!
-Yes, you do?

What is -- what is divorce?

Or grandparents.
'Cause that's what I do.

[ Laughing ] I only cater to
grandparents who are unhappy.

Okay. So now just pull off
that tablecloth there.

Oh, my God.

And have at it.

So, these are urns.

So when your pet dies...

Oh, my God.
There's actually ashes.

[ Chuckles ]

When your pet dies,
we give you these jars --

these collectible jars --
with ash in it.

Now, does anybody know
what the ash is?

Does anybody know
what the ash is?

[ Camille Saint-Saens'
"Danse Macabre" plays ]

No, see, see,
it's not the bones, but --

These are the bones.

[ Children gasp ]

-And as a reminder...
-As a reminder...

...if any of your grandparents
are unhappily married...

...if any of your grandparents
are unhappily married,

I do that, too.

[ Laughter ]

Yes, you have a question.

Why would you want to help

somebody's grandparents
get divorced?

[ Laughter ]

People make mistakes, right?

And, plus,
I gots to make ends.

Plus, I gots to make ends.

You know,
and some people would say

marriage
is a social construct.

And some people would say that
marriage is a social construct.

It's not really --

Monogamy's a sham.

[ Laughter ]

Who wants to see a major step
in the cremation process?

Who wants to see

one of the major steps
of the cremation process?

-Me!
-Do you want to try?

Come on up, buddy.
Come on.

We may have gone too far
with this one.

This is a sifter.

This is called a sifter.

It sorts the ashes
from everything else.

Now here --
you hold this over the bin.

Take a little silver urn,
unscrew it.

And now sift it slowly.

There you go.
Good job, buddy.

-What's in the sifter?
-A little surprise in there.

What's in the sifter?
What's left over?

Oh.

Oh, no.

It's --
it's the pet's collar.

[ Children gasp ]

[ Laughter ]
Look at him!
Look at the kid.

[ "Danse Macabre" continues ]

The whole room's
going nuts.

And we give this to the owner,
and they keep it as a memento.

Sal: [ Laughing ]

Look at the kid's face.

Why don't you hand out some
cards, buddy, to bring us home?

[ Laughter ]

James Murray, pet cremator,
grandparent divorce attorney.

James Murray --
You want one, too?

James Murray, pet cremator,
grandparent divorce attorney.

James Murray, pet cremator,
grandparent divorce attorney.