06x01 - Swim Shady

[bunniefuu]

[ "La Marseillaise" plays ]

Subtitles uploaded by Sathwik


[ British accent ]
We're in London, b*tches!

Narrator: Coming up

on a special hour-long episode
of "Impractical Jokers,"

what's got Q chucking chips?

[ Laughter ]

Why is Murr getting cheeky
with the Brits?

Hey, England. You remember
when you owned America?

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: And which two jokers
will get their arses kicked

in tonight's double punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

You know,
you could have changed for...

[ Laughter ]

You look ridiculous,
bud.

-I look ridiculous?
-Yeah.

"No Eyebrows" Magee
over here

is telling me
that I look ridiculous?

Yeah, well,
in case they missed it,

the last time
that we were with Murray,

we shaved off
his eyebrows.

Take off your hat.

G'day, mate.

We're here at the Forester Pub
in London Town,

serving up Ye Olde Spirits.

[ British accent ]
While slinging drinks,

we'll have to do and say
what the other blokes tell us.

[ British accent ]
If you don't bloody well do
what you're bloody well told,

you'll bloody well lose,
you buggering w*nk*r.

[ British accent ]
England, right?

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ]
Feel back at home, boys.

[ Normal voice ]
Your old stomping grounds.

This looks exactly like
where you used to tend bar.

The only thing
that's missing

is Q sitting in the corner,
sloppy drunk.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, bud. How are you?

Yeah, good. Great.

Sal,
try to poison his drink.

With what? Like, salt?

Yeah, like,
sugar, salt, anything.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, no problem.

Now let me just put
a little...poison in it.

visit CartoonsFun.Com

What's what?

I put the --
this is the Kronenbourg.

Uh...

Oh, no. This is mine.
This is mine.

This was, uh -- This is mine.
This one's mine.

Yours is coming right up.

Now, Sal, we want you
to poison this drink again.

[ Laughs ]

Just put
a little poison in it.

Oh! He doesn't want
to get k*lled.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

He doesn't want
to get m*rder*d.

-Hey, how are you guys?
-"What can I get you, grandma?"

Oh.
To him.

[ Laughter ]

A rosé? Sure.

What about you, grandma?

[ Laughter ]

"You know, we have a saying
back where I come from..."

We have a saying
where I come from.

"Big tits rule."

[ Laughter ]

Big tits rule.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah.

£ .
in happy hour...

"You know, in America..."

-In America...
-"...we tip."

[ Laughter ]

In America...

we tip.

[ Laughter ] visit CartoonsFun.Com

[ Laughter ]

That's his tip.

Thank you, sir.

Back home,
we have happy hour.

Sal, we on
a really slow elevator.

But what they do here is
they, um...

Until you're completely
behind the bar.

...they, uh --
they'll have one night

where things are cheaper
than other nights.

So, it's like --

It's not like a happy hour,
but the prices are different.

[ Laughter ]

Come up facing
the opposite direction.

My cousin comes to New York

to visit me all the time.

I owe him a trip.

[ Laughter ] visit CartoonsFun.Com

Keep talking
and start sinking.

But, you know,
and so this has really been

really a cool job for me
right now.

So...

[ Laughter ]

I've really been enjoying
my time here, though,

because, like, it's, uh --
It's really a cool little town.

[ Ding! ]

Joe, just get on the bar
and lie there sleeping.

And when someone comes in,

I want you to fall off the bar,
startled and awake.

This is high.

Wait. Wait, wait.
Hold, hold, hold.

-Go!
-Go!

Whoa.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, what can I get you?

Oh, no.
No, I'm all right.

I'm a big fat [bleep]
You need a drink?

Yeah. What do you got?

[ Laughter ]

Foster's is a nice, crisp lager.

I got you the Foster's.

You got a problem
with my bar?

You got a problem with my bar?

Really go off on him now.

Which one do you want, buddy?
This one? Forget it.

Look, here.
My finger was in it.

It's no good.
What do you want?

Seafarers. Yeah.

Well, you came in
sh**ting your mouth off,

so I just want to make sure
you're happy.

[Bleep] guy wants a Seafarers.

I see you walk in,

and you're talking to her
like I can't hear you.

I'm standing right here.

You don't want the Foster's.
She orders a Foster's [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

The Foster's wasn't good enough,

so we got him
the [bleep] Seafarers.

Cheers, mate.

[ Coughing ]

I'm gonna throw up.

And did you want to order
some food as well?

Yeah. Is it okay also
one pad Thai...

-Yes.
-...with the duck.

Slide your ring off.
Slide your ring off right now.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so you want
the and the .

Yes.

Now hit on her
a little bit, bud.

Good. You always get pad Thai,
or...?

No. [ Chuckles ]

No. I love those glasses,
by the way.

[ Chuckles ] Thanks.

-"Are you guys together?"
-You guys together?

-Oh.
-Oh, put the ring back on.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, guys.

You can run a tab. Yes.
Good.

My [bleep] don't work.

Uh...

Anyway, my [bleep] don't work.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, guys.
What can I get you?

"Hey, did you hear
the news?"

Hey, did you hear the news?

My [bleep] don't work.

Did you hear the news?

I don't when you came in,
in the whole conversation.

I wasn't sure if you knew,

but, uh, I told those folks
down there,

but, uh,
my [bleep] don't work.

No, you didn't hear.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Joe,
just throwing this out there,

but doesn't Lawrence
work here in England?

[ Sighs ]

We're out of glasses.

[ Laughter ]

Here it comes!

Find Lawrence.
Find him.

Lawrence.

We're out of the pint glasses
up here, Lawrence.

Lawrence.

Check the bathroom,
buddy.

Lawrence?

Lawrence!

Lawrence?

He's not
in the ladies' room.

Lawrence!

Lawrence. Lawrence.

Lawrence.

He might be outside, bud.

Did he go outside
to double park?

-Lawrence!
-Aah!

[ Laughter ]

Lawrence!

Lawrence!

Lawrence!

[ Laughter ]

Where the [bleep]
were you?

[ Ding! ]

Here we go.

How are you, bud?

Doing well. Thank you.

"Do me a favor.
Just don't piss on the bar."

He might be.
Let me go find him.

Do me a favor
while I go look for him.

Uh, don't piss on the bar.

[ Laughter ]

"I'm not joking."

I'll get Dean.
But I am serious.

Yeah. Well, no. I'm not
gonna piss on the bar, am I?

[ Laughs ]

He's upstairs.
He'll be down in just a minute.

No problem.
Busy today?

"A couple of guys
pissed on the bar earlier,

but that was it."

Uh, it's been
pretty quiet.

We had a couple of guys
before

that pissed on the bar,
though.

Oh, so that's why
you said it.

Yeah. You know...

Yeah, they pissed --
pissed all over it.

"Well, I can't defend myself,
so..."

Well, also,
I can't defend myself...

-Right.
-I couldn't stop them.

Point to your face.
"This is what happened
the last time I tried."

The last time I tried
to stop some guys

from pissing on the bar,
they did this to me.

They shaved my eyebrows off.
They cut my hair.

Look what they did.
It's crazy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Quick check, bud.

You're not pissing on the bar,
are you?

-No, no.
-Just a quick check.

[ Laughter ]

Welcome.
How are you?

-Fine, thanks.
-How can I help you out?

Uh, Jameson's
and Diet Coke.

-Sure.
-All right, Murr.

Let's test out
your British slang.

"Anything
for you birds."

Sure.
Anything for you birds.

[ Laughter ]

-Jameson and Diet Coke.
-Yeah.

-Here you go.
-"For the lovely bird."

For the lovely bird.

Right, then.
Tweet, tweet.

[ Laughter ]

You guys ever take a lift?

Have you guys
ever taken a lift?

[ Laughter ]

Uh, say, "Sorry, ladies,
if I'm a little off."

Ladies, I'm sorry
if I was a little off.

"I'm currently in
a long-distance relationship."

I'm currently
in a long-distance relationship

with my girlfriend.

"She's in Heaven."

She's -- [ Chuckles ]

She's in Heaven, so...

It's really long-distance.

Yeah, Murr, right,
so, you're just gonna go

and sit right across from them
and don't say anything.

Oh!
[ Laughter ]

Look at the way she's looking
at Murray -- the blonde.

[ Laughs ]

¶¶

"Two birds, one bloke."

[ Laughter ]

[ Stifled laugh ]

He can't get it out.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughing ]
Two birds, one bloke.

[ Laughter ]

Tweet, tweet.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Murr, you know what?
Just go outside right now,

and wait for someone
to come in from outside.

Now, from one window
to the other,

just let her see you
running back and forth.

There's been a zombie att*ck.
She doesn't know.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I don't know [laughs]

[ Laughter ]

Murr, pop in. Ask her
if she knows what she wants.

What do you want to drink?
What do you want to drink?

I was outside.

Uh, well, I'm just waiting
for a friend, actually,

so there's no rush anyway.

"Okay. Let me know."
Run out.

Okay. Let me know.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

What can I help you with?

Yeah, uh, pint of Guinness,
please.

Pint of Guinness.

-Where'd you come from?
-Uh, from New York.

"I'm learning a lot about
England since I've been here."

I'm learning a lot
about England.

-"For example..."
-For example...

"You guys know you call
the wrong sport football?"

Do you guys --
Are you guys --

I don't know
if you're aware of this,

but you guys call
the wrong sport football here.

It's kind of, like,
embarrassing a little bit.

[ Laughter ]

Well, what we call football,
you call soccer.

I mean, are you guys
just being obstinate?

Like, it's --

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

Everywhere outside of England
calls it soccer.

You have football.

Well, we have football.

Yeah, but soccer was there
before football.

Yeah.

"No.
That can't be right."

-No. Was it?
-Yeah.

The United States
started in zero.

You're blowing my mind
right now,

'cause the United States
was started in zero.

[ Laughter ]

So, the United States
is --

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

[ Laughs ]

The Christ of birth?

Well, I just figured
the United States started,

and then we were all like,
"All right."

-Well, no. 'Cause, like, in...
-"Start the calendar now."

It wasn't the United States
then, was it,

because Mexico owned California,
Texas --

Mexico?!

Mexico.

I'm telling you
facts of your own country.

[ Laughter ]

We had to come
all the way to London

for Q to get
an American history lesson.

If it weren't
for General Houston...

-Yeah.
-...it would have been taken.

"Whitney Houston
wasn't popular till the ' s."

But what about Whitney Houston?
Like, I'm confused.

I'm not talking about
Whitney Houston, am I?

I'm talking about
General Houston.

Whitney Houston
was a pop singer.

Yeah, she was --
Like, she was --
Not a general.

No, no, no.

But what does this have to do
with you guys stealing football?

[Bleep] if I know.

[ Laughter ]

"[Bleep] if I know."

What can I get you?

What about you, uh,
tall drink of water?

Before you serve
all these drinks,

why don't you try licking
the glasses first?

[ Laughs ]

This is the London Pride,
and this is the Diet Coke?

[ Laughter ]

And then another Sierra Nevada
coming for you.

Great. Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

Cheers.

Beer's in front of them,

and, uh, they're not touching
a single one.

[ Sighs ]

-Oh!
-Ohh!

Wow.

I licked that one.

Yeah, I don't know why
you drank it.

-Cheers.
-What's over there?

You licked it?

I licked that one, too,
to be fair.

[ Laughter ]

They just don't care.

What's that?
Oh, no. It's on me.

Yeah.
'Cause I licked it.

[ Laughter ]

Throw it at him.

[ Laughter ]

"Take these, too."
Throw it at him.

Here you go.
Take them.

Empty out the basket.
Empty the basket.

Yeah,
that whole basket.

[ Laughter ]

Don't look.
Just go on and throw them.

[ Laughter ]

Turn around and literally start
throwing them right at him.

Your goal is to hit him.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: This challenge went
down smoothly for all the guys,

so they're safe
from the loser board.

Today, we're giving away
free tickets

to a hit new show
in the West End.

But the names of the shows
aren't real.

They've been made up
by the other guys,

and we won't see the titles
until we pull out the tickets.

If you can't give away
your tickets, you lose.

And then we throw you
right in this river.

You don't want to go
in the river.

Don't lose, then.

Then you won't have to go
in the river.

No, I'm opposed.
I'm opposed to that.

Well, don't lose.

Ass[bleep]

I have to give
these show tickets away.

Anybody want them? They're for
a show tonight in the West End.

I can't make it.
No strings attached.

It's, uh, a new show.

"The Old Man and the C:

The Story
of the Old Man's Wife."

[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh, wow!

"The Old Man
and the C?"

Yeah.

No, I mean --
This is you guys out here.

You call it
this kind of thing.

It's supposed to be great.

Everyone tells the story
about the old man.

No one tells the story
about his C.

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, I can't go.
I mean...

Come on.

Yeah. Thank you guys.

That's it?

That's it.

They took it.

[ Laughs ]

Excuse me.

I got to give away
these theater tickets

for a show
in the West End tonight.

I can't make it.

Literally,
I just want to give them away.

It's for uh -- It's called
"White Men Catch a Break."

[ Laughter ]

The --
It's a play about a --

It's about a collective
of white men,

and everything just finally
goes their way.

[ Laughter ]

Idris Elba
plays the white guy.

It's actually great.
The lead white guy is --

[ Laughter ]

The lead white guy's
being played by Idris Elba.

He's a famous black actor.

[ Laughs ]

Take them.
You're white.

Go see your people
catch a break.

[ Laughter ]

Oh.

Take them back.
Take them back!

[ Laughter ]

Come on, you two.
Go ahead. Go.

Go to the show.

Hand them back.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

All right, guys.
Thanks.

He got them!

"White Men
Catch a Break."

[ Ding! ]

That's a nice new hat
you got.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, take it off.

Come on!

[ Laughter ]

-Come on.
-Take off the patch.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, guys.
I'm from New York,

and I'm leaving a day early
to go home

and I bought tickets
for a show.

I just want to give them
to somebody for free.

The show is, uh --
It's "Fish and [bleep]"

[ Laughter ]

"Fish and [bleep]"

It's a great show.
Have you heard of it?

He's gone.

It's about an airplane
full of people,

and anyone who orders --

anyone who orders fish on
the plane gets severely sick.

It's basically the plot
of "Airplane!"

It's "Fish and [bleep]"

Everyone who eats the fish
gets the [bleep] on the plane.

Just take them.
Just -- Please.

The [bleep] don't come
till Act .

Please, just --
Act 's all about the fish.

You don't want them?

Okay. All right.

Ah.

Pbht!

Hey, guys.
I have tickets tonight.

I have to catch
my flight back.

I'm not gonna have time
to see it.

I bought tickets
the other day.

It's a great show. I don't know
if you've heard of it.

It's, uh, "I Hope You Take
This Ticket and Die."

[ Laughter ]

It's a great new show.
It's on the West End.

That ticket name coupled
with his no eyebrows?

Yeah.

No one has ever complained
about this show.

There's not a single review
of it online.

[ Laughs ]

I think you're taking
it too literally.

I think it's more of
a metaphorical

"I Hope You Take This Ticket
and Die."

It's people --
I can keep the tickets?

[ Laughter ]

All right.
Well, your loss.

All right.

No, your loss.
Your loss.

[ Buzzer ]

What do you mean Milana's
gold card was declined?

[ Laughter ]

Joe's -month-old
has a gold card?

Well. Time to get on a plane,
boys, but these tickets.

I got two tickets
that I have to give away.

I got to go back
to New York early.

For a show tonight
in the West End I can't make.

I just don't want them
to go to waste.

It's for, uh,

"What Does It Sound Like
When Children Scream?"

[ Laughter ]

It's, uh -- It's a show --
[ Chuckles ]

I know.
I was doing well, right?

You almost
are thinking about it.

I will tell you, though,
first they laugh.

But then they scream,
all of them, so...

[ Laughter ]

It's like
an experimental piece.

No, you're all right?
Really?

You don't want to hear
kids scream?

[ Laughter ]

I mean, they're gonna scream
if you go or not, so...

[ Buzzer ]

Ladies,
it's your lucky day.

I can't go
to a West End play tonight.

I'm giving away the tickets.
They're for, um...

It's for, uh -- Yeah.

It's for " , Spiders Loose
In a Theatre."

[ Laughter ]

Now, before you say no,
it's not what you think.

-It's like a love story...
-Oh.

...between a guy and a girl.

And at a random point
every night --

It's different every night --

they drop , spiders
loose in the theater.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I only have two tickets,
so who wants to go?

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

[ Laughter ]
What?!

-Yeah.
-Well, there you are.

They're just gonna drop
, spiders

right on your face,
all right?

That's all right.

Oh, cool.
No, have a good time.

Oh, wow.
Charming son of a g*n.

Hey, I have, uh --
I have basically free tickets

to a West End play
that I can't use.

I'm giving them away.
I don't want them
to go to waste.

It's for, um,
the, uh, hit play,

"The Butthound
of Daggerstiezch."

There's this guy.
He hangs out in a bar
in Daggerstiezch.

"So, I'm on
a hidden-camera show?"

First thing he did was turn
and look right into the camera.

And he really likes butts,
so he got the nickname the --

the Butthound
of Daggerstiezch.

Right there. Right there.
Yeah, so...

What's going on is
if you look in that camera

and just -- and just --
That's Al right there.

If you can just look
in that camera

and say that
you'll take these tickets,

then I -- then I win.

What do you say?

You want to see the --
You want to go see the, uh --

Hi, Mom.

Yeah?

You don't like
"Butthound of Daggerstiezch?"

Well, hold on one second.
Hold on.

I have other tickets.
Yeah, yeah.

I can just keep going
till you take one.

Al, just hold steady.

[ Laughter ]

How about, uh,

"Cranny, the Story
of a Little Orphan Nook?"

Ohh.
No?

All right. Hold on one second.
Hold on.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, how about, uh,
"Bringin' in Da Pain:

Method Man
Interprets Gene Kelly?"

[ Laughter ]

-You want to take that one?
-No, I'm good.

Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.

Well, come here. Hold on.
Walk over with Al.

I'll try one more.

All right.

Now, this one, uh,
is called, uh...

Hey, Al.
This is Al.

What's your name?

Simon, this is Al.

He's one of
our hidden-camera operators.

[ Laughter ]

Yes. Cool.

This one's called
" Horribly r*cist Jokes."

Al, you all right with that?

[ Laughter ]

-You don't want any of that?
-No, I'm good.

Take care, lads.

All right. Thanks.
I tried.

Joe: It's hard to do
hidden camera on a walkway.

We got to give it to our team.
They tried.

Sometimes, we get caught.

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator:
Q, Murr, and Joe got scalped,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

[ British accent ] Today,
we're teaming up as employees

at Toff's
Fish and Chips.

Don't talk like that.
We did that already.

[ Normal voice ] Today,
we're teaming up as employees

at Toff's
fish and chips.

While working
behind the counter,

we're gonna have to do
and say

whatever the other guys
tell us to.

If your team refuses to do
or say anything, you lose.

Fish,
like, uh, Moby d*ck.

And, uh, chips,
like Erik Estrada.

[ Laughs ]

This is like the national food
of England, right?

This is
the ol' fish and chips.
Come on.

This is
gonna go smooth today.

Not only do we now know
how to work the register,

we're not familiar
with the menu,

we also don't know
the currency.

Hi, guys. Welcome to Toff's.
Can we help you?

Joe, I think you think
Murr's choking on a chip.

[ Coughs ]

No! I wasn't choking!
I wasn't choking, man.

You looked like
you were choking on a chip.

I'm nervous.
I'm on high alert now.

Start going off about how
you lost everyone to choking.

I've lost many people to
choking, so I'm high alert.

"My brother choked."

My brother choked.

-"My cousin choked."
-My cousin choked.

"My arti-choked."

My arti-choked.
I get it.

[ Laughter ]

This guy in the hoodie
looks like a cult leader.

Murr --
"Excuse me, sir.

Are you Rammstein,
leader of the hill people?"

Question for you.

Are you Rammstein,
leader of the hill people?

You look just like him.

Holy [bleep]
It's Rammstein.
Right?

[ Laughter ]

I just asked him that.

Leader of the hill people
with the beard and everything.

I just asked him that.

You have a twin.
Oh, no.
Oh, you're not.

I got you.

Get him to admit he's Rammstein
by getting a free meal.

I didn't realize that
you were here, Rammstein.

Your order's free.
You eat here for free.

You're Rammstein though,
right?

"We didn't mean to charge you.
We didn't mean to insult you."

Start getting scared
that you insulted him.

We didn't mean to insult you
by taking your money.

I just didn't recognize you
at first.

We're all cool.
It's all good?
It's good.
It's good.

It's good.
Our humblest apologies.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

'Stein up in the house
right here at Toff's.

"Is this
one of your wives?"

Is this -- Is this
one of your wives?

Because if it is,
your money's no good here.

[ Laughs ]

Thank you, sir.
Be right out.

Wow. Rammstein.

[ Laughter ]

When Rammstein's order
comes out, it is a ritual.

[ Both vocalizing ]

Yes,
the hill person joins.

[ All vocalizing ]

Thank you so much
for coming.

Thank you.
Appreciate it, guys.

[ Laughter ]

-Guys.
-Yep.

Talk
in British accents.

Right.
You all right, there?

[ British accent ]
Cod and chips?

You've got it, sir.

[ Laughs ]

A regular or large
cod and chips?

-A normal one.
-A normal cod --

-You sound like a moron.
-Anything else, sir?

Three Cokes.
Three Coca-Colas.

-Three Cokes.
-He's not all right.

One, two, three.

Sal: [ Chuckles ]
He believed Joe.

The total is £ even.

It is not.
It may be my third day.

I've just started this week.
Where do you think I'm from?

Uh...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Normal voice ]
Hi. How are you, sir?

Welcome to Toff's.
How can we help you?

"What else can I get you?"

What else can I get you?

-That's it.
-That's it.

"And when
did you stop trying?"

And --
[ Chuckles ] Dude.

[ Laughter ]

Well, there's the loss.

[ Buzzer ]

Hi. Can I have a regular cod
and a large cod.

And battered sausage,
as well.

Guys,
get super-confused here.

So...regular chips.

Joe: He's --
Look at this kid.

[ Laughs ]

So, a large cod.
Regular cod.

You don't want --
You don't want a regular cod?

A large cod.

Joe: Wow!
This kid's got sass.

Q, tell the little kid
to respect his elders.

Hey, you better respect
your elders, man.

You better respect
your elders.

Beverages?

Q, do the, uh, slicing
of the throat gesture to him.

Yo.

Oh, you know what else?
Look over here.

We have, uh --

Sal's distracting
the older brother.

-That's why people...
-Psst, psst.

Look over here.

Q, rough him up a little.
Rough him up.

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
This is the adult's menu,

and this is the kid's menu,
for kids.

But they're
gonna be kid-sized...

Q, I think the older brother
needs some help.

Sal, you are incensed
by this little kid.

I don't know what he told you.

Did he tell you about
our new delivery service?

-Uh, no.
-No? Oh, my God.

Listen to me.
You got to pay attention.

Who taught you --
Look at me.

Who taught you how to hold a --
[ Laughs ]

Get him.

[ Laughter ]

Who taught you how to hold fries
like that?

You never been
to a Toff's before?

[ Laughter ]

You never came to a Toff's
before in your life?

You don't know
how to hold the chips?

[ Laughter ]

All right. This is all cool.
I don't know where we are.

I don't know
if you noticed this,

but I was
just distracting you

while he -- while he b*at up
your brother.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.
-"Makes a lot of sense!"

[ Laughs ]

Boo her.
Boo her when she walks in.

-Boo!
-Boo!

-Boo! Hiss!
-Boo!

-Boo!
-Boo! Boo!

-Away with you!
-Boo.

-What?
-What can I get you?

-Boo!
-Boo!

Boo!

-Boo!
-Boo!

Have a nice day.

[ Hisses ]

[ Laughter ]

Hey.
How's it going, man?

What can I get you, sir?

So, we got a little surprise
for Q and Sal.

Our friend
stopped by set today.

James Buckley, who starred
in "The Inbetweeners,"

a huge show out here.

So, he's gonna stop by
and, uh, you know,

say a little something
to Q and Sal.

[ Laughs ]

It's my first day
from New York.
Really?

So, I'm still trying
to figure everything out.

Yeah.

[ knocking ]

"Stop watching me sleep!"

[ Laughter ]

Explain that, jerks.

-Wow.
-Look at the guy!

Here's what's happening.

I watch him sleep.

You know what it is?

The first, like,
couple dozen times I did it,

he didn't have a problem
with it.

Now, all of a sudden,
he's coming to my place of work

and throwing a sheet of
loose leaf against the window.

I didn't think
he'd come to my job.

What, is he stalking you?

[ Laughter ]

I feel like
you're judging me.

Look me in the eyes
and tell me

that you've never watched
another man sleep.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

-Really?
-No.

When his food comes,
"Can we watch you eat this?"

Can we watch you
eat it?

Do you want to
just take a bite for us?

¶¶

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Sal's gonna eat
out of his hand!

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

You don't know
where his hands have been!

I'm -- I'm --
I'm cutting out carbs.

[ Laughter ]

Again, I feel like
you're judging us.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator:
Murr and Joe got fried,

so they're being served up
on the loser board.

Today, we're hanging out
by the Tower Bridge,

making odd public announcements
using this bullhorn.

Only we'll have no control
over what's being said,

because the other guys
will be speaking for us

through this microphone.

If you can't
take the heat,

turn off the bullhorn
and you lose.

I wonder if anyone's
gonna make announcements

about lost eyebrows.

I wonder
if that's gonna be made.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, here we go, boys.

Sir.
Sir, with the backpack.

You could do better.

[ Laughter ]

That's what
you're starting with?

Q: Hey, hey, England!

You remember
when you owned America?

Tables have turned, baby!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

You're making me sound
like a d*ck.

You can shut it
at any time.

Oh, lots of -- lots of hot dads
and hot daughters

around here today,
you know what I mean?

There's four hot daughters
right there.

Hey, where's your dads?

Yo, you got a bunch of your dads
I could look at?

Hey, what about you two kids?

Is your dad
around here somewhere?

[ Laughs ]

My name's James Murray.

I'm from New York City.

My phone number is --

[ Laughter ]

That's it.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Beatboxing ]

[ Beatboxing continues ]

Are you trying
to embarrass him or you?

[ Laughs ]

Sir, uh,
with the two ladies --

Which one is yours?
I'll take the other one.

[ Chuckles ]

You are a creep.

[ Laughs ]

Wow.
Look at them titties bounce.

[ Laughter ]

He goes like this.
He went like this.

Sal: Guys, excuse me.
Guys, guys.

Guys! Emergency question.

What's the age of consent
in London?

[ Laughter ]

Walk toward them.
Walk toward them.

Age of consent
emergency here.

Does anyone know
the age of consent in London?

[ Laughter ]

Take one step closer.

What is your problem?

Put it
right against his chest.

Why are you not
taking me seriously?

[ Laughter ]

I got to shut it off.
I can't take it anymore.

We got him!

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Clearly you guys know
who Banksy is. Banksy?

Well, I know who he --
Nobody knows who he is.

No one knows who he really is,
but he's a famous artist.

He's got a mysterious identity,
right?

Yeah.

Yo! I-I decided
to tell everybody.

Yo, I'm Banksy, y'all!

I am Banksy.

I'm 'bout to spray-paint
this area up

and improve its value!

[ Laughter ]

You don't know me!

You people
don't know Banksy!

You don't know
my struggle!

My whole life, it's just been me
and a can of paint!

Knock, knock!

Banksy!

Banksy, bitch!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, God. [ Laughs ]

Uh, attention, everybody.

I will describe my daughter,
Milana, to you.

[ Laughter ]

That's enough.

[ Buzzer ]

-Sal, you ready to go?
-Yeah, I am.

-Is it -- Is it on?
-It's, uh --

It doesn't look on.

[ Screams ]

[ Laughter ]

So, let's surprise Sal
a little bit.

Sal is known
to be pretty sassy, right?

Let's turn it up a notch.
Shay, can you join us for a sec?

This is one of our producers,
Shay.

Shay, I think you're angry
at everybody walking by.

Ready?

Shay: You got a problem?!
What you looking at?!

You! Hey, you!

Stop looking at me like that!

I know you hear me
talking to you!

-Stop looking at me like that!
-Take Shay off the --

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Sal, and that's how you do
a sassy black woman.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Daddy? Dad? Daddy?

Dad? Daddy? Daddy?
Daddy short-shorts?

Daddy short-shorts?
Oh, Daddy short-shorts.

Quick cuddle?

Quick cuddle
with them short-shorts?

Oh! Daddy!
Daddy striped shirt!

Daddy striped shirt!
Daddy-waddy.

Quick cuddle?

Daddy red shoes.
Daddy glasses, red shoes.

Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy-waddy.

Stop. He's gone.

He's gone.
I did it, all right?

[ Humming ]

Jogging.

[ Humming ]

Baby.

[ Humming ]

Scarf.

[ Humming ]

Threesome?

[ Laughter ]

You're done, buddy.

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: It was white flags
for these four Yankees,

which makes Joe and Murr
tonight's big losers.

We have survived!

Q and I are
the kings of England.

You remember
the New Jersey Devils,

when you put us
in the hockey net

and they were
just sh**ting pucks at us?

Yeah, we get it.
We're goalies.

No,
you're not just goalies.

You are target practice

for the professional football
club the Wycombe Wanderers.

And we didn't want you
to go out there alone,

so we invited a few

of the wonderful people
of Great Britain.

[ Cheers and applause ]

A few fans?!

How do you know
this many people in England?

I hope at least two
of these people know CPR.

[ Laughs ]

-All right.
-Stick together.

Stick together.
That's important.

[ Chanting ] Loser! Loser!
Loser! Loser! Losers!

Murr: Joe,
these are the big guys.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, my God.

Sal: Here we go!

You're a tall drink
of water, sir.

Here we go!

Get out of here!

Stay mobile, stay mobile,
stay mobile.

Sal: Hit 'em, lads!
Hit 'em!

-Ohh!
-Ohh!

Are you [bleep] --
Get the [bleep] out of here!

-Get the [bleep] --
-Get back in there!

[Bleep] you
Did you hear that?!

Did you hear that?!

-Get back in there!
-The whole thing went!

Sal: That goal post
is gonna be your head!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Go for the head.

Take his head off.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Oh [bleep]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ohh!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] Are you okay?
Are you okay?

I got you.

Sal:
That's how you football!

[ Chanting ] Hit the ferret.
Hit the ferret!

Hit the ferret!
Hit the ferret!

What are
you talking about?!

[ Chanting continues ]

[Bleep] Oh, my --

-My God!
-Ohh!

Are you okay?
They hit you in the head!

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

No, he didn't!

[ Cheers and applause ]

You okay, bud?
I'm doing fine.

You're doing fine
'cause I'm bigger!

I'm fatter.
I'm a bigger target.

You see -- see the bald one
right there?

Look at that stupid look
on his face.

Get 'em! Get 'em!

¶¶

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ooh!

Holy...

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Yeah!
-Yes!

Yes!

He hit me right in the ass.

[ Chanting ]
Let's get sexy!

Let's get sexy!

Start stage two!
Start stage two!

Murr:
Joey. Oh [bleep]

-Ohh!
-Yes!

-Oh!
-[ Laughs ]

Aah! Aah!

Where you going?!

Oh [bleep]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Holy [bleep]

You okay?
He did it! Yeah!

-[ Laughs ]
-Joe's lost it.

Joe's lost it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

There's only two men
on the field

that haven't taken a sh*t
at them yet.

Should we join?
Let's join.

Come on.

[ Cheers and applause ]

You guys ready?

[ Laughs ]

[Bleep]

Joe:
Protect your face and balls.

Protect your face and balls.

-I love you, bud.
-I love you, bud. This is it.

I'll never let go, Joe.
I'll never let go.

[ Laughing and screaming ]

-[Bleep]
-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're sh**ting
a TV show --

a hidden-camera show called
"Impractical Jokers."

All right.
And I have
these comedians in my ear

telling me
everything I have to say.

[ Laughs ]

So, I'm not quite as stupid
as these guys made me out to be.

[ Laughter ]