07x14 - The Needy and the Greedy

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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07x14 - The Needy and the Greedy

Post by bunniefuu »

Coming up! What's got Joe sleeping on the job?

Why is Sal taking the fall?

And which losing Joker will have major
hunger pains in tonight's punishment?


Prepare for something amazing!

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

[Sal] She's all about that 'cado!

Today, we're at Focus Pointe Global

and we're participating in, go
figure, a focus group.

We're also going to be volunteering
to take notes for the group on this computer.

The catch is, though, the other
guys will be controlling it.

Plus, there's a big monitor
in the room

so everyone can see the notes
that are being taken.

If the notes get too hot to handle

and you close that computer
to end your own pain

you lose.

You guys can take a seat
wherever you like.

How's everybody doing?

[Q] Moderating is
our boy Chase.


He's going to be guiding the whole
thing exactly where we want it to go.

Topic today is going to be
artificial intelligence.

I do need a volunteer
for a notetaker.


Yeah? Okay, this is the note pad right here.
You can just dictate into it.

Good acting. Sold it.

So the first question for today is:
"How would you define AI"?


It's, uh, man made?

Uh, computerized?

I think of robotics, when I think
of artificial intelligence.

Um, I think it's like in many
different, like, platforms now.

We have it in our cell phones now.

Type, Sal.

[Woman] Controllable, but then it
could not be controllable.


[Murr] Look at her!
[Q] She's already in.


What aspects of AI do you
see in everyday life?

Okay. Google, Alexa, like Nest.

I think it's like a hub for temperature,
like thermostats?

[Woman] You could like, update
it from your phone...


and close your garage door.

-Yeah. Like, um, or even um...

what is it, like smoke
detectors?


[Q laughing] "It went great."

AI can be destructive in that it's

removed, like, the humanity
from people you begin to rely on.


-Things to do work for us
other than people.


What does that mean?

Uh, I'm just, what I was gleaning
from the conversation but

Right, but when did we say that?
-No one said that, though.

What steps can be taken, then,
to avoid an AI related disaster?

[Man] So, like, self-driving cars,
I think, I don't know... [unintelligible]

right now it has to have a
driver still in the driver's seat?


[Joe] How do you not close it!?

Just like my, my spouse,
is very tech friendly?

If I didn't have him, I'd probably
would be, like, still in the Stone Ages.


How do you keep that open!?

[Q] Wow! Sal is
unbreakable!


Our topic today is "vacation".

Q, if you shut the computer,
you lose.

So first, let's talk about your
ideal vacation.

Whoever, whoever wants
to go first.


Being on the beach and relaxing...

[Man] From one vacation to the next, I always
try to do something that's different.


Something that you have
never done before.


[Other man] Like a new place,
new city where you...


...and... "free", maybe?

[Woman laughing] Yeah,
free is good, yeah!


[Moderator] On that note, what
are some places that you guys have been to


and, you know, feel free to run down
the list of some places you've been to


and describe them, and...

[Man] I've been to London. To Rio.

Rio was my favorite.

[chuckling] I like Rio.

Very nice culturally.

Very diverse.

The one place that I found out
of all the places that I went that


really welcomed a black man.

They have, like, the second largest
black population other than...


North America.

And that's it!

So, today, we are going to
be talking about


artificial intelligence.

How would you define
artificial intelligence?

Type, Murr.

It's supposed to help us
have more efficiency.


[Brit] ...are computers that can think
or any something that can think.


Something that's programmed
initially.

...the scope to have a conscience, but

if we pro... program it with enough...

it can do all the sums that we can't.
And then...


[Stripes] I agree with you.

The people who manage
that type of technology


they, like, uh, have the...

It's just so instant, isn't it?

[Brit] They can be on their phone,
chitty-chatty


with their fingers

but can't have a conversation.

Murr's not closing his laptop. We
have to get him to close his laptop here.

I think, also, another thing
is like your photos

and if you lose them

[Stripes] In these days
we didn't live the moment and


we sometimes took a
photo and then


"Ah, yeah, I remember this".
And then like...


And then we're able to go
home and go on the computer

and then, there's a lot of
negative things on there.


A lot of people that
put a lot of negative...


[Moderator] Oh, I see
what you're saying.


And then, it's fueling
people to

think instead of
being connected and


[Q, Joe, Sal laughing over dialog]

So... but then I don't
know if I'm drifting off...

No, I think, I think that you
make some good points.

Let's review the notes.

Yeah, she said, uh...

"Your photos... and if you ... these days...
we want to live in the moment

then oh I remember this
like I never had

so what do you all think about
that because I think that we're able


I think that we should
have more interaction


and be more connected
and we're able to go home


and go on the computer
and there are a lot of negative things


on there... is freaking people...
to be connected...


instead of going out in the
world and people can be like


[stammering] anonymous

you know but then I don't
know if I'm drifting off."


That's all I got.

I don't think it was meant
to be verbatim.

Nailed it.

[Q] Wow!

You guys can take a
seat wherever you like.


How's everyone doing?

[Murr] What are you wearing?

Stella's jacket.

[Murr] It's Stella's jacket?

[Q] In what reality are you wearing
a jacket that's fifty times too small for you?


...be talking about vacations.

Sound good?
-Great.
-Cool.

I need a notetaker.
Anybody want to...?

Oh, yeah.

You want to n...? Alright, so you're
going to sit here, actually.

Alright. So first up is, just,
talk about your ideal vacation.

Ideal vacation, it would be
South Korea

because that's where
I'm from.


And I also like San Juan,
Puerto Rico a lot.


That's as far as my...

[Woman] I want to go
somewhere where it's cold, because...


...go somewhere, like, maybe
like, Connecticut or Vermont.


[Moderator] Uh, how about you?

[man] For me, it would be somewhere
that allows me to kinda like, go out


like a venture, but it's also
around where


like a water, like a beach...

Anyone can jump in.

If you could take anyone on vacation...?

I'd bring both my parents.
They always loved Aruba.

Aruba.

[dramatic sting]

If you could take anyone on vacation...?

I'd bring both my parents.
They always loved Aruba.

Aruba.

So we're going to move on
to, uh, to, like, hotels.

Would you prefer to stay
in a hotel, or you just like...


or use home sharing websites?

[woman] Airbnb's more,
like, affordable...


Let's say for example you're
going to, like, uh,


you know, like, a city,
like L.A.?


If you go to someone's home,
whatever area they're around...


[man] Yeah, I like, um,
Airbnb is, like, the way to go.


Like, when I think of,
like, hotels


I thinking about like, me going
to a conference


or something like that. And
I'm just like...


[Q, Murr, Sal] Ohhhh! Ohhhh!

We're never going to get this guy.
We're never going to get this guy!

[Moderator] What about you guys?
-Ummm...


I think I'd prefer to be like,
active and/or, like, relaxing.


I think personally it's because like...
[Murr] Uh oh!


[Murr] His blood sugar is low.

[man] I work as like a consultant,
like an analyst...


so I do like numbers
a lot, everyday


[laughing over dialog]

Q had to "force quit" this one, so
he's first up on the loser board.


Today, we're at Morton
Williams Supermarket

trying to get a witness
to help us out with a little

insurance fraud.

After calling attention to
an "unsafe" store condition,

we'll tell a fellow shopper we
wouldn't mind having an "accident"

in order to collect money.

Then the other guys will give us
a weird reason we need the money

and we're going to take
a huge dive.

When the store "manager" comes
out to see what happened,

we'll have to get the fellow
shopper to back up our story.

If they don't back up your
story, you lose.

[All] Whoa whoa whoa!

[Joe] Okay, so basically, we're
doing our best pratfall work today.


We're going to take out an
endcap and ask somebody to, uh,

corroborate our story.

[Joe] The manager today is being
played by one of our favorites:


our comedy producer John.

Who actually, in reality, did
manage a grocery store.


Keeping it real.
We keep it real.

[Q] Here we go.

Do you think that someone could
trip on this thing on the end?

It's a little bit on the...
I'm a little nervous for people.

I think it might be...
-On this corner?

Yeah, right here. I think it's like
I'm afraid someone's knock in

to it and it's going to fall
one someone. Right?
-Oh my god.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, someone could fall and
really, and really hurt themselves.

They'll probably sue the grocery store.
-That's true.

Believe me, I could use
the money myself.

"My mother needs a
breast reduction."

My mom needs a
breast reduction.

Yeah...

I know, right?

They were on the end, here.

I can't believe you did this!

[Joe] Send in the manager.

What happened?
-I'm sorry.

Are you the manager?
-Yeah.

[Q] Look at the face!

These, uh, these were
stacked on the end here.

Not a good place.

I was walking. I tripped,
and they all fell.

She saw it. She saw it!

Ma'am, is that true? Because I
have to fill out an accident report.

Yeah, yeah, you know
because she agreed with me.

Okay. Alright.
-[Joe] You lost!

Alright.

This look high to you?

Like a safety issue?

I just worry that it would, like,
fall on a child or something like that.

That's a big lawsuit.

That's big money.

I mean, honestly, I
could use the money.

"I don't know if you can tell by looking at me..."
-I don't know if you can tell by looking at me...

"But I want to open a vape shop."
-But I want to open a vape shop.

[Murr] Oh, oh oh oh!

[Joe] Oh, banana peel. Nice!
-[Murr] No!


Ohhhh.

Ohhhh!

Ohh.

Oh, I'm hurt.

Ohhhh.

Sir, you alright?

Sir, there was a banana. I slipped.
I fell into this thing.

Oh, oh, my neck!

She saw. She's my witness.

Call an ambulance.
-What happened?

I got to fill out an accident report.
Did you witness this?

He did not?

What happened?

Ohh. Call an ambulance!

This is something. Did you
see this display?

This is a disaster waiting
to happen, don't you think?


Possibly.

I mean, someone could trip over...
the edges are not straight.

I got to tell you, I could
actually use the money myself.

Here's why.
-[Joe] "I love to gamble."

I love to gamble.

And I just got back
from "Korean Vegas".

I...

I just got back
from "Korean Vegas".

You can't b*at the bank,
you know what I'm saying?

You know what?

Whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa!

Ahhhh!

Who put this display...
No, I'm not okay!

Where's the manager?
Who put the display like this?

[Joe] He's out, he's gone!

Matt [ Ali

Whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa whoa!

Ahhhh!

Where's the manager?
Who put the display like this?

[Q] Look at him, he's out of there.
[Joe] He's out, he's gone!


Send in the manager!

The guy up there in the
register saw what happened.

In the hat on.
-In the hat witnessed it?

Stay right here, we'll fill out...
-Bring him over here, he'll tell you what happened.

It was crazy.

The manager had to go chase this guy down.

You think he's going to vouch for you?

The manager?

John!

He's so real. I'm buying into it.
-You're buying into it.

Here we go. Here we go.

Sir?
-Yes.

He saw what happened, that
this whole display was...

What?

No honor among thieves,
apparently?

Alright, this is Joe's...
his body was literally built for this.

Uh huh. Made for
falling into cereal.

[dog barking in the distance]

Does that dog need a home?
-[Q] No, no!

Don't adopt that dog, Joe.

[Murr] Doesn't... dog need a home.

Alright, here you go.

They got good 'cados [avocados] today.

Yeah, the 'cados are nice.

Did you see this here?

This is in a bad spot here.
This seems dangerous, right?

It's a lawsuit waiting to happen.

They better be careful. They might
find themselves in a lawsuit, right?

I could use some money, actually.

"My son needs some
bull#### operation."

Just found out my son needs
some bull#### operation.

You know what? That's going
to be a way to help him out.

[Q] Here we go.

Hyup!

Ohhh, god!

Ohhhh! Ohhhhh.
-Oh my god, look at the crowd.

[Q] She's not even stopping the
squeezing of the 'cados.


She's all about that 'cado!

You alright?
-Yeah, this is in a bad spot.

Alright, alright. -Yeah, I mean she saw
the whole thing, this lady over here

Who saw everything?

The lady with the 'cados.
-Okay.

I got to fill out an accident
report. You wit...?

You didn't see...?

[Joe] You saw the whole thing.

I was getting my avocados!

Yeah, I know. You'll back me
up? The whole thing?

I was choosing my avocados.

I know, but you'll back me
up. My son...?

You'll back me up?

No, I'm not getting
you to say something...

So, nobody backed us up?

Sorry, John.

I'm sorry too.

All the guys claims were denied

so Q is tonight's big loser.

So Q is our loser, and today
he is "volunteering"

at the Long Island Cares Food Bank.

And he's hungry.

You're going to need this, buddy.

What, did it take you seconds
to come up with this one?

One for them, one for you.

-There you go!
-Get in there!

[Joe] Here's the volunteer
extraordinaire, Brian "Q" Quinn


coming to do some good.

Just over here, doing my
civic duty.

Alright, so now Q's hungry. And that's
basically the punishment.

[Murr] Help yourself. Important
to note:


for every one thing Q ruins,

we're replacing it with
brand new items.


So, we're actually
doing some good.

Woof.

Work up a hunger, looking
at all this food, you know?

[Murr] Here we go.

I should've ate breakfast.

[Murr] Oh, Q.

Don't eat the food for the needy.

[Murr chuckling] No, bud.

[suspenseful music]

[jar lip pops]

[Murr] Oh ho ho!

[Sal] It is on!

[Murr] Oh, Q.

Don't eat the food for the needy.

[Murr chuckling] No, bud.

[jar lip pops]

[Murr] Ohhhh. She gave you a look.

It is on!

Oh my god. How weird do you feel?

The... the hate is... instant.

I know. I know.
We can feel it.

[Joe] You want to
open something else?


[lid tearing open]

Bud, we, bud, we put a fork
in your pocket.

[Joe] There's a fork
in your cargo pants.


Ohh, god.

[Murr] Oh, she's going to talk. She's
going to talk! [Joe] She's going to report you.

She's steaming. She's
steaming. Rightfully so.

[Murr] Alright, Q.

[Cole] Sir?

We can't eat the donations.

That's Cole, one of our
producers.

He's our inside man.

We can't be eating the food.

Got it. Uh, it was dinged.

I don't see a ding, sir.

Keep cooking, guys. Everyone's
doing well. -Loud and clear, loud and clear.

Alright, new guys. Fire it up.
-New guys!

[Sal] Snack time!

[crunching]

[Sal] Oh, my god.

Disapproving looks being
sh*t everywhere.


You're like a human raccoon.

He is "scurraging" for food.

[Q] They hate me.

I feel their hate for me
coming off in waves.

[Murr] Getting hungry, bud?

Just whisper, "what else
this place got?"

What else this place got?

[Murr] Look at this.

[Murr and Sal] Q, oh my god!

[Joe] He's full-blown opening
a can on the table.


[Sal] Oh, what is that? What is that? Corn?
[Murr] It's, uh, corn.


[Sal] Ugh, jellied corn, milk, ham?

Dude, your ass is going to be
making a donation in a few minutes.

[Joe, Murr, Sal] Ohhhh!

Oh, but it was dinged?

It wasn't? It was dinged.

All dinged. All dinged.

All dinged!

This is what we knew
would happen,

That good people would rise up.
-Yes.

And take a stand against
this piece of garbage. -Yep.

Okay.

[Cole] Alright, let's uh...
I'm going to go talk to him.


Sir, are you eating more food?

No. No. No.

No no no no. No!

What is this, then, sir?

The... the...

Sir, you can't open the food.
-Got it.

Last time. Two strikes.
Two strikes.

This was open before, though.

We should stop eating and we
should pack it

and then we can all get
out of here. -Got it.

[Murr] Oh, this is tense.
[Sal] I can't


take it anymore!

Brian, hi.

Don. Nice to meet you, Don.
Thank you.

Oh, man.

Don is the best!

[Murr] Q, these people need
to see you eat some ham.


Can you trying opening a
ham with the can opener?


[metal cutting]

[Sal] He's pointing him out!

[Joe] Don's going to get Cole.

[Cole] Brian!
-Hey, what's going on, man?


I just saw you eating more food.

I'm not eating anything!

Well, he just told me that you...

[muffled over a mouth full of food]
He told you!?

Don!

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear what
you're saying, but...

Yeah.

Hmmmm.

[Joe] Don is an angel.
[Sal We love Don.

[together] We love Don! We love Don!

Is this another can of
cooked ham?

That... [stammers]

This is your second
cooked ham can?

[Sal] Oh, we got Cole laughing!

[Joe] Get him out.
[Murr] There you go.


[Murr] "I'm going to volunteer
to leave."


No, I volunteer to leave.
I volunteer to leave.

You didn't fire
me, I quit.

Q, if you're hungry, you
can take some stuff to go.

[Murr] Yeah, your backpack is up
there. Get your bag to leave.


And pack some stuff
up to go.

[Joe] Do a quick
round to go.

No no no no no!

This guy's going to literally
put you in a full nelson.

Well, it's not a Board
of Health thing.

No, I'm gone.

[Murr] Oh! Run run run!

[Joe] Out the door in shame.

There's the second can
of cooked ham!

Brian! You didn't even
eat the first one!


That was horrible.

Look at how much I'm sweating.
Dude, it was so bad.

Wow.
-It was so nerve-racking.

Wow. So Q "ate it" in
tonight's punishment

but we're going to
"donate" some bonus footage

and a behind-the-scenes
look at how it happened.

Eat up!

I got a ham in my teeth.
I got to go brush.

Yeah. Go, go.

That was terrible!

Murr, this is a, this is
a weird one today, huh?

How do you mean?
-This punishment is unlike...

You, you are tall!

This is me without shoes.
You've got shoes on, admittedly.

But watch me, watch
me without shoes.

Oh.

See?
-Yeah. He's got lifts.

This is tough for you
because I know that you

you know, you donated
your time

as a firefighter.

I mean, I guess
you got paid for it.

Yeah.
-But you're a hero

and then today you have
to kind of be a "zero".

Yeah, but I'm more used to
being a "zero" than a hero.

That's not true.

Uh, I just like to help, man.

Yeah. What did you rat me
out on the corn for?

Well, I wouldn't have to lie
if you didn't point it out.

Do you know the
challenge where Joe

is... we're working in
Organic Avenue?

Yeah.
-And, the juice place?

And Joe keeps
drinking the milk

out of the fridge?
-Yeah.

That's essentially
what this is, worse.

People have donated their
time; they've donated food.

And Q is wasting their
time and eating their food.

Beautiful.

Oh, I know the show.

It says "cooked ham",
does that mean

You can't, you can't eat it
room temperature?

Let's find out.

Let's find out, then.

Any bread in here?

Everything about that
was horrible.

Everybody hated me
within seconds. -I know.

I'm not used to, like, that.

It's so different. They're
the nicest people

for donating their time.

And, and you're
the worst person.

Peanut butter, yeah!

[Sal] That's one you
won't see him eat.


Q's deathly allergic to it.

No, that's not true.
-He just doesn't like it.

"He'll die"? "He'll die"?!

[stammers] like, his throat, right?

Peanut butter gives me
a big headache

So, I can guarantee none of these
are dinged. You know what I mean?

[Joe] Look at this guy!

Wow. And Cole! Cole
was reaming into you.

What was up with Cole, man?

Why would Cole come
at me like that?

Uh, are you eating
more food?

No.
-And don't tell me it was dinged.


This is donations that
we need for churches

and for people in need.
-No, I get it.

I didn't open anything new.

Q is kind of like your boss.
Did it feel good to

Very much like my boss.

Right. Did it feel good? Were
you, like, letting loose on him?

Yeah, yeah. It was finally
I was protected.

I was allowed to.

[Sal] Well, let's keep cutting
back to the clip where you laugh.


This is your second
cooked ham can?

We got Cole laughing!

[talking over each other]

####! ####! Ohhh.
Son of a...

I hate him!

[Sal] White, brand new sneakers.

It's dripping!

White, brand new. White
and brand new sneakers.

It's dripping out of his shoe!

I mean, this is next
level, guys.

What are we going
to do about this?

Murray just dropped a
full iced tea on Sal.

I mean, literally, the
inside of my shoe

has ounces of peach tea in it.

I'm sorry, buddy.
It was an accident.


But, how is it that you have
an accident every day, though?

You have ruined
percent of my shoes.

-Yeah?
- percent.

But nobody else's shoes!
Look around!

There's people in here!

I'll take it.
-No one else's shoes have been affected!

I'll take it.
-This is a #### conspiracy.

I'll take it, because I
thought you were going to say

"I've ruined
percent of your life".

That's what I thought you were
going to say. I'll take the shoes.
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