on the set?
It says here you're part...
Part what?
Werewolf?
What's got Q cracking jokes?
Knock knock.
And which losing Joker will walk on
eggshells in tonight's punishment?
Prepare for something amazing!
Hey, mustache, what's up?
I want my mommy!
I will never forgive you!
Larry!
You call that a pool?
Today we're working
at Heritage [hair-uh-tahj].
Our fake ancestry
research company.
While conducting -on- interviews,
we've got to do and say
what the other guys tell us.
If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.
We're all going to do it at
the top. -I thought it was both.
How are you today?
-Good, how are you?
Good, uh, did, uh,
welcome to Heritage.
How, uh, have you
heard of us before?
No, never.
Now, we offer two methods
of DNA collection.
We offer two methods
of DNA collection.
Uh, the hard way,
and the fun way.
The hard way and the fun way.
Let's go the fun way.
-The fun way!
[Joe] Okay, take the glove off.
Okay!
Okay, so, uh, you
choose one.
...in below that. There
and there, okay?
That's great.
Thank you, sir.
Okay. Chase, come on in.
Thank you sir.
Okay, this is Chase, by the way.
DNA proves he's % handsome.
DNA proves he's % handsome.
Murr, to anything he answers,
whistle like it's profound.
To the best of your knowledge
did any of your ancestors
arrive in America
before , specifically?
...would say no...
[whistles profoundly]
Okay. Interesting.
Uh, what countries do you
believe your family has come from?
Uh, well, definitely Italy...
[whistles]
I would say Ireland is definitely one.
-[prolonged whistling]
The sound effects you're making
make it seem like, um...
Profound?
-Yeah, yeah.
It's your family.
-Okay, gotcha.
Murr, there's a box by your feet.
Uh, one second. Okay.
[Sal] Final step that we use
in conjunction with the results.
We have this extra step we do
in conjunction with the results as well.
Okay. One second.
Let me set this up for us.
[Sal] He has to blow.
Okay, so, just: [puff]
You blow into it as hard as you can.
Okay, so... okay, so
go ahead.
[blows]
-Harder, harder.
[machine makes ridiculous
cartoon toy siren whistle sound]
[higher pitched wacky whistle sound]
And the fun way is completed.
There you go, that was part of the fun.
You're Italian!
Have you ever had an ancestry
test done before?
No.
-Okay.
Great. And did you
bring your toenail clippings?
Okay, and then you brought the...
You brought the toenail
clippings then?
Oh, no. They didn't
tell me to do that.
Sal, call Chase in and
chastise him.
Chase? Can you please come in?
[heavy sigh]
No one told Ariana
about the toenail clippings?
We have to have the
toenail clippings.
I mean, what am I coming in for
if I can't give people the full, accurate test?
"Can't coast on looks
your whole life, bud."
You can't coast on looks
your whole life, Chase.
"I'll see you at home tonight."
Just...
I honestly, I can't deal
with it anymore.
Alright, and I'll see
you at home tonight.
[Joe] So, I guess the only
solution here
is for you to pop your toe out
and I get a quick clip going.
[Sal snorts]
Now, what I have here
is a nail clipper, if you
want to, you know
pop out, like a, pop out a toe,
or something like that.
Take the one clipping,
that could be thirty
percent more accurate, and
it could be even quicker.
[Murr] Oh my god.
[no audible dialog from Sal]
[Q] Look at his face!
Put your hand out to receive
the toenail, buddy.
[Q] Ohhhhh, god!
Thank you very much.
And I appreciate that.
Sal. Overdo the hand sanitizer now.
On the desk--on your hands.
Do you have, to the best of
your knowledge... -Here he goes.
Do you have... do you know what
your ancestry might be?
Like, if I were to tell you, what
results might you be expecting?
You stop when that's empty.
One of the things we do here
is that we...
um, we like to
compare results...
[Joe] Look at her eye checking it!
[Murr laughing] What is
going on?!
Where were you born?
[Murr] Keep pumping, bud.
-Atlanta.
That's where you were born.
And raised?
Yep.
Okay. Could you mind just
turning the page over for me?
[dispenser pump clicking]
Terrific.
Okay.
This is empty now, so...
Okay.
Let's get the results in
there, Chase, now.
I've got the results.
Thank you, buddy.
-Sure.
Alright, so, I-I have
your results here.
Okay.
[Q] Oh, look at this.
-Look at that.
You allergic to silver?
You allergic to silver?
-No.
[Q] Any problems with a full moon?
Any problems with a full moon?
None?
It says you're part werewolf.
It says here you're part...
Part what? I don't...
Werewolf?
I'm definitely not.
Okay.
So this is "balls on" accurate.
It says you're not a werewolf.
Let's get this whole thing
started. You just pick one of these.
Ah, you're just going to
swab around your mouth.
Right around the, yeah, around the
side there. Perfect.
That's perfect.
So we're going to get right into it.
Great, I'll get this processed.
Thanks.
Um, okay. So do you know
anything about Heritage?
No. Never heard of it.
Oh really. Well, we're new. It's
kind of like a rapid results ancestry...
[All] Chase! [Sal] Come back in
with a suitcase full of results.
Oh, okay. So the results are in.
Here you go.
[thump]
Rapid technology we have.
Yeah, so it's very...
super in-depth. Yeah.
We put a full ream
of paper in there.
[Sal] pieces of paper got
output in seconds
of his results from a Q-tip.
[Sal] Now, Joe. You quiety read
every single piece of paper in there.
Look at all these results! He's thinking
he's going to go through those -by- .
[Sal] Look at his face!
[Murr] Look at how many
papers there are!
[Sal] Don't say a word the whole time.
[Murr] Yeah. Circle things every
now and then. Arrows.
[silence]
[Sal] He hasn't spoken a word.
[Sal] Also, also, Joe's doing nothing
except circling words.
[Joe chuckles]
[Murr] Stop laughing! Stop laughing!
No sound! Don't break.
[Sal] The guy's now just like, "you're
clearly, clearly not doing anything."
God bless this man.
This many probably has
a very happy wife.
I'm telling you. Patience like this?
[Q] Yeah
That's going to be a
successful relationship.
[Q] Joe, cross reference a page
you already put, you already put there.
[silence]
[Murr] Home stretch!
I can't wait!
[Sal] Isn't it funny how you
can turn pages funny?
You're Greek.
[chuckling] I am.
Call Chase! Call Chase!
Hey Chase, come on in.
[unintelligible] He's done! He's done!
Thanks. He's Greek.
[cheering]
Hi, I'm Brian. How are you?
[unintelligible] how are you.
-Please have a seat.
Uh. Alright [unintelligible]
thanks for coming in today.
I'm not really into it today.
I got a bad case of the shits.
Yeah.
Uh. Alright [unintelligible]
thanks for coming in today.
I'm not really into it today.
I got a bad case of the shits.
Yeah.
It's funny 'cuz it's true.
I gotta, I gotta go to
the bathroom.
Q's going to take a sh*t.
Yeah. I have a bad case
today... of the shits.
Anyway.
Have you ever done anything
like this before?
No. It's called
Link-U-Later Technology
Ohh. Interesting.
Yeah. When, when InGen
went out of business,
because InGen
was a big...
InGen! That's Jurassic Park.
Remember they had
that park incident
John Hammond, years ago,
had that big park incident?
When they went bankrupt
we bought all of InGen.
Welcome!
To Heritage! [hair-uh-tahj]
Okay. Alright. Just give a
swab. Toss it in.
There we go.
Oh, here's Chase. Okay, great.
Thank you. Perfect
timing, buddy. Nice work.
Do you know any other relatives
who have researched their family tree?
Uhh. My sister did, actually.
It says that I was from
the middle "eastern".
Middle eastern? Okay.
But I don't think I am.
You don't think you are?
Oh, perfect. Thank you, Chase.
Yeah, these are just initial
results coming. So we'll just...
Wow, you're % middle eastern.
You are uh...
You are ex... almost exclusively,
% middle eastern.
Seriously?
You also had a Rice
Krispy treat earlier?
And did you eat... [laughs]
am I seeing correctly?
You ate a Rice Krispy treat
earlier today?
Does it say that?
That's right there. Those are the
Rice Crispy indicators.
You did not have a Rice
Krispy treat today?
Not at all. I don't even
like those stuff.
[Joe] This is crazy.
-This is crazy.
You and Ted Danson came
from the same ding-dong.
You... you and Ted Danson.
You guys came out of
the same ding dong.
Mmm hmm.
Alright.
[Murr] Q! Q!
For no reason, guess her weight.
Thank you mmmm....
I-I've been having stomach
issues all day.
[Joe] So close, Q.
This genetic test showed that Q is a loser.
Today we're at the Grocery Roll sh**ting
the breeze with our fellow New Yorkers.
While getting our shop on, we'll have
to do and say what the other guys tell us.
And if you refuse
anything, you lose.
And to make it more weird,
we'll be wearing bathrobes.
Like we just rolled out of
bed. Nothing weird about that.
Nothing.
-No.
[Joe] Okay. Here we go.
Sal's got one sock on.
"I love that scarf."
Ohh. I love your scarf.
Yeah.
[laughing] Oh.
That was weird.
Pick up one of those
bottles of olive oil.
Now this guy in the blue shirt
just go to him: "will this
get me good and #### up?"
Will this get me good
and #### up?
Yeah, yeah.
"I've been out of the
house since last Thursday."
I've been out of the...
I've been out of the house...
I've been out of the house
since last Thursday.
J-Just been getting
#### up on olive oil.
One sock.
[Q] Murray, whoa!
[Joe] There's Grand-Murr.
-Psst.
This guy with the red hat
stand in front of his cart so
he's gotta say "excuse me".
But don't acknowledge
him until he talks to you.
Don't even look at him.
-Don't look at him!
Don't acknowledge him.
Don't do anything.
[Joe] This guy just
took a picture!
[Sal] That's going on
Instagram today
unbeknownst that it's Murray.
-[Q] God, I hope.
[Sal] Scratch your ass.
Scratch your ass!
[Sal] Murr. Those tortillas
that you just picked up?
Tuck them up in
your pants
and then I want you to, like,
squat in front of someone
and look like you're
pulling it out of you.
What?
It's got to look like it's
coming from your undercarriage.
Yeah, I got it.
Anything that you put in a hole
in Murray just falls right out.
These things are... these things
are so uncomfortable, man.
Look at them, seriously.
No, seriously, it's like I
don't know what it is
[grunts loudly]
[grunt] Oh, there it is.
Wow. I don't know
what I just saw,
but I wish that I had
never seen it.
[Joe] I'm not sure what happened.
[Murr] That didn't work.
I-I'm still processing
my feelings about it.
We're going to have to go to
commercial. We'll be right back.
[Q] You demoralized
the whole crew.
[Joe] Are you reloaded with
tortilla? -I can.
I never saw someone be so excited
to run to shove a tortilla in them.
[Joe] Okay, do it.
Murray, you're running
around trying to do it.
Do it! Do it! Now now now!
[Q] Nah, she missed. She missed the action.
[Murr] ####.
What are we doing? Is he ####
out tortillas? Is that's what's happening?
[Q] No, they're not looking,
they're not looking, they're not...
[Murr grunts oddly]
They're not looking!
Their backs are to you,
you idiot!
[Joe] Put the tortilla
back in your ass.
Wait until we tell you to go!
Ready? Go!
[Murr whines out a grunt]
[Joe] Oh, he turned around.
Put it back! Reload! Reload!
I don't want to watch
this anymore.
Go! Go!
He saw it! He saw it!
What are we doing?
[Joe] Alright. Here we go.
You ready, Woody?
Tell this guy, "I saw a woman get
born today. It was fascinating."
I, uh... I saw a woman
get born today.
It was fascinating!
No. No no no. Get
born today.
I'm guessing months ago
her parents had sex.
So that was my day so far.
Yesterday, I pickled a toe.
Yeah. Y-Yesterday was even
crazier. I-I-I
I pickled a, uh, human
toe yesterday.
Yeah, yeah.
"Maybe"
M-Maybe, maybe.
[Murr] Q. Knock on his head.
"Knock knock"
Knock knock.
Keep doing it, keep doing it!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
You don't know knock knock jokes?
Oh, hi, how are you doing?
[Joe] Knock on her head.
That's how you make him lose!
Look at this guy. Look. At.
This. Guy.
Joe, confuse this place with a hotel.
Find out when the hell that
maid's coming to clean your room.
[Sal] Just keep going up and
down all the aisles, ranting.
I can't find a bellhop if my
life depended on it!
Is anyone going to
bring my luggage?
I ordered a cheeseburger
for my room service. minutes!
The spa is supposed to be
on . Where do I see a spa?
You call that a pool?
Supposed to dip
my balls in it?
Hands down, the worst hotel
experience I've ever had.
I went down. I talked
to the concierge.
He didn't give a ####.
I ordered room service an
hour and minutes ago.
They said the spa was on .
They said the sheets
were Egyptian cotton.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm on a
TV show, yeah.
Oh not right now. We start next
week. We start filming next week.
I can't wait.
Did your room service come?
Yeah I am.
-[Q] Ahhhh.
Did you just...!?
[Murr] Kiss her again, Joe.
[Q] Kiss her again.
[Sal] Just keep kissing her.
[Q] This family's
recognizing you.
Go kiss them all.
Joseph. What's your name?
-Aw. Debbie.
Debbie, good to see you.
Hi, buddy.
Yes, of course.
You're like Richard Dawson.
[All] Kiss her, kiss her, kiss her!
What was your name?
If you want a selfie, take
a selfie, buddy. Go ahead.
Take it, yeah, go ahead.
They keep...
Why you keep kissing me?
They telling you to keep
kissing me? Is that it?
No, we don't start filming
until next week.
Q rolled out of bed just in
time to get punished.
Happy day!
Q is today's big loser.
And what a monumental day it is.
You're going to into this building
right now, buddy, and attempt
to shatter a world record. Time
is of the essense.
Here you go. Just go.
Don't ask questions!
Who here likes turtles?
Raise your hand if you like turtles.
Yeah!
[Joe] So here's two of our producers.
So, you guys all see
these eggs today?
[kids] Yes!
There's turtle eggs
that are supposed
to hatch today.
[Sal] So they're being told that
Q is a scientist who's going to come out
and help little baby turtles
out of all these eggs.
[Murr] What we're telling Q, is that he's
here to smash these eggs over his head
as fast as possible.
Yeah.
-You see the problem?
-Yeah.
[Joe] Hey, bud?
[Sal] Do you have any semblance
of what you think you're about to do?
I have no... I have zero clue
as to what this is.
It's fun, buddy.
-I'm sure. For you.
Are you guys ready to meet the doctor?
[kids] Yeah!
[Sal] Q, you're going to go out there.
Say "You guys ready? Here we go!"
and attempt to break the most
eggs over your head
in one minute.
[Murr] And Q, remember.
You're being timed.
Speed is of the essence.
How's it going?
[kids] Hi!
Alright.
-[Murr] Here we go.
You excited?
[Joe] ... ... ... go!
[kids shout and exclaim]
Obviously, these are store-bought eggs.
[Murr] Almost there, almost there!
This is going as planned.
[All Jokers] ... ... ... ...
[Joe] Okay, that's it.
Yay!
Alright, how'd I do?
[Sal] Okay, Q?
[Q] Yeah?
Now, turn around and give
this presentation.
[Joe] Let's get started
with this presentation.
Alright. I'm so happy everyone
is here to watch these...
[Joe] Okay, that's it.
Yay!
Alright, how'd I do?
[Sal] Okay, Q? Now, turn around
and give this presentation.
Alright. I'm so happy everyone
is here to watch these...
[Sal] Oh my god!
[Murr] Look at his face!
Oh, boy, you have egg on your face.
[repeating] "Where are the turtles?"
#### you guys. #### you guys.
We just caused some
therapy bills, boys.
[Sal] No, we're going to tell
the kids eventually.
[kids chanting] Turtles! Turtles!
Oh my god.
No amount of chanting will
bring these turtles back to life.
Turtles. Turtles hatched in captivity
are % safe from
natural predators.
...and each turtles lays up
to a thousand eggs.
So if we have turtles here
we can have , turtles
in the future.
[kids screaming and heckling]
It's mayhem.
-[Murr] Oh, no, Q.
This is my turtle, Myrtle.
That's Myrtle.
[laughing] Let's name
these baby turtles.
This is dark, man!
This is really dark.
Go for it, kids.
Just grab one.
No, here's one.
Here you go.
[Joe] Be careful, don't break it.
"Actually, I don't trust you
with it. Let me hold it."
Alright. Actually, let me
hold it. Because...
Q, drop that egg.
These are very delicate.
We said "drop it" not
"throw it to the ground".
[kids chanting]
Well, we cracked that punishment.
[kid] Boo!
Here we go. Wow, hey!
So, the guys hatched the
perfect punishment
to cr*ck Q.
And, uh, now you get
bonus footage from
this episode, and a behind
the scenes
of how it, uh...
how it happened.
[Casey] Why did you put
the sand on top?
I looked up how turtle eggs
actually hatch,
and they hatch in the
sand. Like, on the beach.
So, this kind of makes sense as to
how they would actually be in real life.
Oh, you put names on them?
Yeah. Names on a couple.
-Oh, that is so... Aaron?
Norman...
[Joe] So, Q, you're going to
want to put those goggles on, buddy.
Now?
[Murr] Yeah.
[Joe] Yep.
You're going to walk
out "in goggle".
Okay. It's one of these ones where
we're just going to get under your skin
and it's going to be
annoying to you
and you're going to
have to endure it.
That's... every day.
And that's it, no curveballs.
[kids chanting] Turtles! Turtles!
[Sal] Oh my god.
[Murr] They want the turtles to live.
Okay, guys, each...
[Joe] His microphone got
all messed up from the eggs.
Just take your mic out
and hold it in your hands.
Alright. Can everybody
hear me now?
Okay.
[Joe] It's off the rails anyway.
No turtles were hurt in the
making of this punishment.
Yeah, we don't know
that for sure, though.
A turtle may have gotten hurt
in the wild. But that's not on us.
Remember, kids, be gentle
with these turtle eggs.
You know?
Be gentle with me.
Please be gentle with me.
Thank you.
See the reactions on
those kids' faces?
The last time I saw
those reactions was
James S. Murray
For pet cremation and grandparentdivorce
Call James S. Murray of course.La la la la!
[wacky voice] Please call now!
I can make a jingle for this.
You know what I mean? Like...
You know, like...
Turtle smasher! Brian Quinn [Joe] Go! Go! Go! Go!
[Murr] Oh, no!
[Sal] That was exciting.
[Joe] "Egg"-citing. It was "egg"-citing. Yeah.
Eggs. Eggs.
-[Joe] That's all you got?
Got a lot of funny jokes in there.
Yeah. Yeah. Yolk-ed.
Impractical Yolkers.
Coming next fall.
I've been "Sal Monella" [salmonella]
Those turtles won't
hatch anymore.
We hatched a great punishment.
That's what you can say.
Is there a hose?
Is there a hose anywhere?
What's wrong, buddy?
You look shell shocked.
Like a fountain I could jump into?
Ahh! Ahh!
Do we have any that
are not freezing cold?
We never have cold
water on set.
[Q] Joe, sneeze really loud.
Right now.
[sneeze]
Great. Now go on about
how you just "snarted".
Oh. [stifles laugh]
Snarted?
-Yeah, sneeze and a, sneeze and a
Well, sneeze and a fart?
No, it shouldn't be that.
It should be sneeze and snot.
It should be sneeze and ####.
A #### and a sneeze
would be a "sheeze".
"Shneeze"
Sheez
Shneeze.
No. The first two
letters of ####
S-H
and "art". Fart.
Is "shart".
Yeah, but #### and "sneeze".
Shneeze.
Oh, no, you're right. Get rid
of the fart, get ride of the F.
Yep. Gotcha.
[Murr] You ever shneezed before?
[Q and Sal] No!
It happens to me...
You have an ongoing problem.