09x21 - Rob Riggle

[bunniefuu]

Who could that be?
Who is it?

All: Hey!

[ laughter ]

- Hey, guys.
- What's going on, brother?

Oh, I just got some plans
going on tonight.

We're hanging out.

Excuse me, boys.

Hi, Chris. How you doing?

- You look amazing as always, Adele.
- Thank you.

[ laughter ]

[ Screams ]

[♪♪]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good dog?

[ laughter ]

[ Cymbals crash ]

[♪♪]

[ laughter ]

With special guest
Chris Jericho.

Your fate is sealed, dude.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Today we're posing
as background actors

playing a role
in a new commercial.

The catch is it's not
a real commercial,

It's just an excuse to pair us

with an actor who thinks
it's a real commercial.

The goal is to do and say
what you're told,

and if you refuse, you lose,

and then you get blacklisted
by the entire industry.

Basically, your father was right
the whole time.

You okay?

[♪♪]

Sal: So we're sh**ting
a fake commercial today.

Playing the director of the
commercial is James McCarthy.

James? There he is.

Here we go.
Hey, what's your name?

Michael. Michael. Hey, James.

The actor we cast does
not know it's fake.

The product is my favorite part
of this whole thing.

It's joint gravy.

- Yeah, it's like bengay, or...
- Joint gravy.

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, man. How you doing?

So, Sal, whatever line
he says improv,

Just say the same exact thing
the exact way that he said it.

Sounds feed. Three, two, action.

What's up, Sal? What's up, Sal?

How's it going, man?

Good, good.
How's it going, man?

Oh, man, that was...
That was a rough game,

- Wasn't it?
- That was a rough game.

- My lower back is bothering me.
- My lower back, too, it's bothering me.

It's been bothering me.

- Joint gravy?
- Joint gravy?

You think it'll help?

Cut. Great job, Sal.

Great job, Sal. Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Is your back okay? Yeah, yeah.

- My back is fine. That was all improv.
- You sure?

Sal, "that was acting?"

So your back
actually doesn't hurt?

Uh, no. What? [ Laughs ]

Murr: McCarthy,
have him go again, and Sal,

Cut the commercial because
he needs a medic, clearly.

Action. I'm glad we won.

- Yeah, right. [ laughs ]
- Better than losing.

Yeah, I know. But it came
at a price, didn't it?

What do you mean, Mike?

My lower back is hurting,
man, real... ow.

Real bad. What's this?
Mike, can we... can we cut?

Because I can't just sit here
and let him be in pain.

No, I'm acting. This is acting.

The character for the commercial
has a hurt back.

But Michael, myself, I'm fine.

How does anybody
in your real Mike life...

How does anyone you know
understand

When it's the real Mike
or the acting Mike?

Because in my real life,
nobody's saying action or cut.

"I wondered why I saw
Richard Gere die in one movie

and then and then alive
in another movie."

[ laughter ]

Richard Gere was alive
in one movie,

Then in another movie,
he's alive.

He's two different characters.
He's Richard Gere in real life.

Obviously,
if he dies in one movie,

You can be alive
in another movie

Because it's not
the same character.

Right. Is Richard Gere
dead or alive?

Guys? Uh, I don't know...

[ laughter ]

Mike, as soon as this commercial
starts,

- The line we want is, "Ow, my back."
- Ok.

And, Sal, you immediately
forget everything

You've learned about acting.

Three, two, one.

Ow!! Holy sh*t, guys!

Guys, Mike's hurt.

Wait a second.

Damn, it works quick.
I'm ready for another game.

"Hit me in the tits."
hit me in the tits, Mike.

Hit me in the tits.

Cut. Can't use that
if you say that.

Oh, all right, all right. Okay.

Sal, do the same thing again,

But just go,
"hit me in the d*ck."

[ laughter ]

Three, two, one, action.

Come on, Mike.
Hit me in the d*ck.

Mike, hit me in the d*ck. Cut!

You can't...
you said... I didn't...
I didn't say tits.

Yeah. No tits. No d*ck.

Okay, imagine
if it were for kids.

When the scene starts,
turn around and tell him

To hit you in your juicy
little ass.

[ laughter ]

Action. Pass it back!

Are you feeling better?
It's a miracle.

You seen just now
I couldn't move.

I can't believe this
look at me now.

Mike, hit me in
my juicy little ass.

[ laughter ]

Cut! [ Laughter ]

Would you say
"my little ass" to a kid?
No.

Next take, I want you
to whine it and go,

"oh, I need joint gravy."

Action.

Ow!
Sal, you don't look
too good.

Ow! All right, relax. Relax.

[ laughter ]

Put a little bit of
joint gravy on...

[ whining ]
starting to feel better?

Get up, get up.
It feels really good.

Yeah, yeah. Get up, get up.

I do feel better.
Now let's play.

"Hit me in my tits."

Yeah, Mike! Hit me in the tits!

Cut. We got it.

[ laughter ]

You earned the tits that time.

[ Ding ]

[♪♪]

Hey, how's it going? Mike.

Mike. James. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Thanks for joining us.

Sal: Go up to McCarthy
right now,

"say, hey, why does this guy get
to have an Austin powers costume

And I don't?"

I'm sorry, I hate to interrupt.

[ laughter ]

What does this guy get to have
an Austin powers costume

And I don't?

[ laughter ]

Yeah, baby. Right.

This is just b-roll, so, again,
if you need an eye line,

Can look over at Dan right
there.

But just be loose, have fun.
Action.

Alright, grab a ball,
and when he's throwing it,

Next time, be like,
"I'm gonna [bleep] you up."

[ laughter ]

Yo, I'm going to [bleep] you up!

Cut!

That's great.

Yeah, that's not really great.
Don't say anything. Tight lips.

"But the point of dodge ball
is to [bleep] somebody up."

[ laughter ]

But the point of dodge ball
is to [bleep] someone up.

Yeah, but this is joint gravy,
right? It's not dodge ball.

"You don't have to tell me
it's joint gravy,

I'm the spokesperson."

You don't have to tell me
it's joint gravy.

I'm the spokesperson. I get it.

James, why don't you kind of
come over to the side here?

Just watch Michael do a little
b-roll just Mike.

Action.

"[bleep] 'em up, Mike.
[bleep] 'em up."

[bleep] 'em up, Mike.

[bleep] 'em up.

Mike's not having it.

Alright, Murray,
now get up and start

Talking to the camera
like you're the spokesperson.

Hi, I'm James with joint gravy
pain relieving cream.

If you're like us, tough guys

Working hard,
when life [bleep] you up,

Get muscle gravy.

Yeah, cut.
Get joint gravy. What?

You are a second away
from being fired right now.

Start taking it out
on both of them.

They're both about to get fired.

Both of you, enough with
the clowning around sh*t.

[ laughter ]

We're gonna go again, just Mike.

[♪♪]

Joint gravy... for all those
hard-to-reach joint pains.

Try joint... you're fired.
You're fired.

You're fired. You're fired.

I'm doing the commercial, man.
Get out!

I'm the spokesperson.

I'm doing the commercial.
Just let me get... joint gravy.

Sal: Take him and pull him out.

Try it now.

It's available for all those
hard-to-reach joint pains...

No. Not you. What are...

[ laughter ]

Joint gravy!
Joint gravy. Joint gravy.

All of those...
It's available in stores now.

"Yeah, baby."

Yeah, baby. Right?
It's joint gravy.

Just let me get in there.

[ Ding ]

[ laughter ]

Here we go, Q.

Oh, for the love of god, guys.
She's so pretty.

I'm always % towards failure
when I'm up... when you guys

Throw me in here with a woman.

Very nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

I got this. You got it?

Yeah. "Don't I follow you
on only fans?"

[ laughter ]

Q: I can't do it.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Four, five, six,
seven, eight. Great.

I'll take the loss.

[ Buzzer, laughter ]

Q, we're going to
let you keep going,

But we're counting
every refusal.

Frame up real quick.
I want to get them into frame.

Ask, "can I slather her
with the joint gravy?"

[ laughter ]

Like do I...
When we apply the joint gravy...

- Am I...
- Murr: He can't do it.

Sal: Two consecutive refusals.

It is impossible for you to do
any worse than you've done.

I can say with utmost certainty

It's the worst turn
in ten years.

Let's just roll on one.
Thank you.

Q, as soon as the scene is over,
turn to her and say,

"imagine we fell in love
right now."

[ laughter ]

Action.

I can't believe we won.
I know, finally.

We finally b*at them
after all this time.

Oh, my god. I'm in so much pain.
You alright?

My neck is k*lling me.

[ Sighs ] imagine if we fell
in love right now.

[ laughter ]

Cut, cut. I was too...

It was like a scene
from a rom com.

Yeah.
This is a medicinal commercial.

Buddy, buddy,
let's try one more time.

Look.

Oh, my gosh.
This woman is amazing.

I'm going to try it,
and then they're going to cut.

Okay, I can do that. Action!

Yes! I can't believe we won.

That was awesome.
How are you doing? You alright?

My neck is k*lling me, but let
me try some of this joint gravy.

"Can I pick you up at eight?"

So, uh...
Well, there's no point.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Q didn't have
chemistry with his costar,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Murr: It's so great having
you here, man.

Thanks for being on the show.
It's a blast.

It's been a blast
all across the board.

The crews is pretty nice.
The crew is great.

Everybody here
is just working together.

We find that when you treat
your crew

With the utmost respect,
they respect you.

In return, it makes for a good
family kind of relationship.

Have you met Joe Bruno,
one of our writers?

I have not.
Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, man.

What did you say he does?

He wrote this bit. Hmm, really.

[ laughter ]

Why is the tray rising?

[ laughter ]

Today, we're at the offices
of bay street,

Competing head to head

As focus group participants
answering a questionnaire.

The catch is the two guys
participating in the focus group

Have written the answers
for each other

And will be seeing them for the
first time as they read them.

At the end of the session,
the participants will be asked

To vote someone
out of the group.

If you're voted out, you lose.

And I'm Jiggy.

[ laughter ] nothing?

[♪♪]

So Jiggy's our fourth today.
When we need a fourth,

we just reach out
and ask a friend, a comic,

Someone from the neighborhood,
anybody. So today it's Jiggy.

Jiggy tours with us... almost
every time we're on the road,

you're in there, right?

He's going to be going head
to head against Murray today,

Which means the pressure's
really on murr.

I am a seasoned pro.

[ laughter ]

Oh, I hope you win.

[ laughter ]

You got no sh*t.
I've been doing this for years.

I just want to let you know,
like,

sometimes before we film
that day,

We'll be like, "oh, what is...

What are we expected
to wear today?"

Today was street clothes,
like our own clothes.

And that's what Murray wore,

and I just want
to point that out.

This is me in nature.

What if we just did a switcheroo

and we made you wear
Jiggy's jacket and like,

A baseball cap for this turn?

Let's do it.

[ laughter ]

You look like a record producer

That's, like, trying
to remain hip.

And yet Jiggy looks fine.
Jiggy looks great.

Thank you guys for coming in
and doing this.

Describe the workplace vibe
you'd want to have

for your office. Mike?

I put down serious
and professional,

But yet somewhat casual.

Mike.

Jimmy, what did you put
for your office perks?

I wrote "anyone can borrow
my sh*t box ' Honda civic,

no questions asked."

[ laughter ]

All right, Jiggy,
what is your ideal office perk?

Cool nicknames.
Cool nicknames for everyone,

like hangdong Marie
and scumbag Daniel.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Hangdong?

Hangdong.

But nicknames, they're fun.
Miracle Mike.

There you go. Do me next. Do me.

"Try-hard Jimmy." hard Jimmy.

Try-hard.

[ laughter ]

Try-hard Jimmy.

What would your company's
termination policy be?

I wrote, "for every man fired,
we fire a woman

To keep it fair and square."
right?

[ laughter ]

You wouldn't just fire someone
because you had to let a man go.

You got to keep it fair.
I don't see race, sex, genital.

I don't see...

[ laughter ]

That's that hard Jimmy game
right there.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my god.
Ugh, hard Jimmy.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Can you describe your workplace
safety protocol?

I'd implement a strict no gangly
limbs in shared spaces policy.

"I worked with this real
gangly mother [bleep]."

I worked... [ laughs ]

I worked with this real
gangly mother [bleep].

[ laughter ]

Every time he walked down,
he'd slap papers around,

And it's unsafe.

Hard Jimmy, what did you put?

"I wrote creamy hummus. Oops.

I think I answered
the wrong question here."

[ laughter ]

"Nothing soothes my mono
like creamy hummus."

[ laughter ]

Nothing soothes my mono
like a creamy hummus.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

What's mono?

Mononucleosis.
The kissing disease.

[ laughter ]

You know when you're in school
as a kid,

And a kid goes out of school
for, like, a month?

You kissed a kid and got mono?

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Sal: Oh, look at her face!

What we're going to do now is
I'm actually going to pass

Out a piece of paper.
So write down the name

Of the person you would not want
to bring to your office.

You can fold it up,
bring it back to me.

Sal: Of the three of them,
does anyone write hard Jimmy?

Q: She does.
I think she writes hard Jimmy.

J-I-m-m-y.

Hard Jimmy. %

McCarthy, who is it, buddy?

Votes are in and, um...

Hard Jimmy,
you're not coming to the office.

Oh. [ Laughter ]

Really?

Jiggy beats James.

Jiggy beats murr.

Three of you have made a very
powerful enemy today.

[ laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

[♪♪]

Jiggy: He looks like
he's in the game here.

Murr: He's ready to go.

Well, thanks so much
for coming in today.

You can just describe
the workplace vibe

You'd want your office to have.

Ronald, what did you have?

It should still be fun
at the core

While still being productive.

He looks like he smells good.

[ laughs ] he does.

Sal, what is your pto policy?

I don't think you should get
any time off

Unless you [bleep] out a kid
or whatever,

In which case you could go,
like, the weekend

Or however long you might need.

What a kid?

If somebody [beep] out a kid,
give them the weekend.

[ laughter ]

Maria, what is your...

I just put paid time off
if you have a child.

[ laughs ]

Oh, you've [bleep] out a kid.

[ laughter ]

Is it important for
your company to give back,

And how would you?

Tony, what did you
put for that one?

Murr: Here we go.

Uh, okay.
Yup, I remember writing this.

Uh...

Jiggy: He can't do it.

Is it important for your company
to give back, and how

Would you? Tony,
what did you put for that one?

I said employees of the company
can give amateur haircuts

To the needy at Christmas time,

And we'll give a $ cash prize
to the funniest cut.

[ laughter ]

Free funny haircuts?

Yeah.

Like a random haircut
to this person?

Like, that's going to make
other people laugh at them?

[ laughter ]

I'm laughing, thinking
about them haircuts now.

[ laughter ]

[♪♪]

Sal, is it important
for your company

To give back, and how would you?

Eh.

Murr: That's his answer?
His answer is, "eh."

That was it? That was it.

To give to charity,
your response would be...

Eh.

- Fight homelessness on the streets.
- Eh.

Give to climate change. Eh.

Just to help sick kids?

Well, the answer I put is, "eh."

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good job, Q.

I just want to hand out
papers, pass them down.

Murr: All right, the big moment.

The group is going
to vote one out.

The votes are in.

Well, I'm sorry to say that...

Here we go.

[♪♪]

Tony, you're out.

[ laughter ]

I mean, I'm not surprised,
but at the same time,

I feel a little bit betrayed.

[ Buzzer ]

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Looks like Q
is tonight's big loser,

But he doesn't know it yet.

[♪♪]

[ cheers and applause ]

Sal has lost, and we have
today our friend,

An icon, a legend,
Chris Jericho here

To help punish you, buddy.

[♪♪]

All: Well...

Actually, buddy, if you've been
keeping score,

You're the one who lost!

It's a Chris Jericho
heel turn on you!

You guys gotta be
[bleep] kidding me.

As a result, you get to go
into the ice cold bath.

And you can't get out of the ice
until Sal's mum, Adele,

Completes all her tasks.

I know what she's got to do
because [bleep] set that up.

Who knew? I want to know who
from the crew

Knew this was happening?
Everyone? Shame!

Now you know!
Now you know how it feels!

I'm involved, like,
a half dozen times.

It's time to pay
the Piper, bitch.

All right, buddy. Here we go.

You're going to get
in that bath right now.

My mom has to complete
three tasks...

I know. Before you can get out.

The first thing
she's going to be doing

Is trying to hook up a VCR.
You have to coach her

Through hooking up a VCR.
There she is. Hey, mom.

Hi. [ Laughter ]

Sal: Oh, she's there.
She's ready.

If you ever need to get out,

You can get out,
but every time you get out,

There'll be a consequence,
and that's all we can say.

Do we know what's going to
happen to my body?

Am I just stepping in this?
Just get in there!

Get in!

I think it's probably better
if you just jump in all at once.

I can't. This is bad, man.
All right.

Alright. Oh, oh.

That's not going to help.
That's not going to help.

We can feel it.
Your fate is sealed, dude.

[♪♪]

No way!

[♪♪]

No way!

[ laughter ]

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, my god.

I can't even breathe.
I can't talk. All right.

Come on, guys. I'm cold in here.

[ laughter ]

Hurry up and tell me what to do.

You got to get the correct
cable. [ Exhales sharply ]

[ laughter ]

What color is it?

It is a black cable with
these... that's it.

That's it. Was that...
Holy crap, that's it!

On the back of the VCR,
there's color code... coded...

[ exhales sharply ]

[ laughter ]

I can't do it.
I can't even breathe.

My god, I don't got
my readers on.

Oh, get your readers on!
Please get your readers on!

I don't have them!

You're on the output, right?

I know. I can't see.
I can't read.

She doesn't have her readers!

Can somebody get her
her readers?!

They're downstairs
in my pocketbook.

[ laughter ]

This is... it's in.

Is red where red,
yellow, yellow...
yes!

I wouldn't even know
how to do this.

All right,
now on the back of the TV.

There's the corresponding ports.

I got it. I got it. She got it!

[ laughter ]

In case you're getting hot,
buddy.

Dude, your hands
are turning blue.

Dude, everything's turning blue.

Oh, my god. All right.

It's static. It's static.

Okay. You have the VCR remote?
Yes.

Is there an input button?
An input button?

Get them readers. Oh!

Yes. This guy is going to die.

Can somebody get Adele
her readers?!

Somebody?!

I can't help you.

Put the remote away
for a second.

There are several buttons.
Can you read them to me?

Okay. Tv/video,
volume, channels.

Hit tv/video. That's it.

[♪♪]

[ all cheering ]

Done.
What's the next thing, guys?

All right, the next thing
you have to do is,

She is going to see pictures
of famous people,

And she has to describe them
to you

And you have to guess
who they are.

Adele, we're going to have to
take a quick break.

You can get out, buddy,
but here comes the consequence.

Can we get the milk, please?

Oh, the milk!

All right. No problem.
You can stay out,

As long as you're chugging
milk the entire time.

Oh, come on. [ Laughter ]

Oh, god. Why are you...
What is the matter with you?

Let's get
that whole gallon down.

[ laughter ]

Don't let it go on the floor.
Get back in the tub!

Just get back in the tub.

I'll get back in the tub.

I'll get back in the tub.

Adele: That poor guy.

She just said, "poor guy."
I agree.

Are you okay?

I don't think so.

You ready to go?

Yeah. Please describe
the celebrity you see.

Uh... [ sighs ]

Oh.
It's alright, Adele.
We got it. We got it.

I do believe he's associated
with staten island or...

Is it method man? Pete Davidson.

No, he's in a group,
and they sing.

They might not even be
who I'm explaining.

[ laughter ]

He's nice looking. He's got
a beard and a black mustache

And pretty cool.
He dresses really nice.

He looks like he has
a lot of money. [ Laughs ]

There's cupcakes named
after this guy.

That doesn't help me at all.

Years ago.

Years ago, they named a cupcake
after him?

He has cupcakes with his name.

John legend.

No. Jimmy Hostess.

Not Hostess. Drake?

Yes!

[ All cheering ]

All right, next one.

This guy's really funny.
He has a suit.

And he goes [gibbers]
and makes all those noises.

- Pee-Wee Herman?
- Yes.

[ Cheering ]

All right. I got to get out.
I got to get out.

Can we get the hot candle wax?

Okay. Okay. Ah! Oh! Oh!

I like how it's red and blue.
Do you like it, Chris?

Yeah, I do. Do you like it?

Not such a big fan anymore,
are you, kid?

Do you know how much people
would pay to have Chris Jericho

Drip hot wax on them?

I can make a fortune
on these things.

Yes. Amazing.

[bleep] nft that.
Let's make a million.

[ laughter ]

All right, let me
get back to it.

All right.
You're doing great, buddy.

Two more, and then we move on
to the final round.

Okay, Adele, I'm back.
All right.

All right.

It looks like
a piece of equipment,

Like, you know, VCR and this
and that and remotes.

And it says...

Adele, I mean this
with all due respect...

What the [bleep]
are you talking about?

It has a round button.
And you can press right, left.

I think there's a pause button.

Is this an iPod?

[ Cheering ]

All right, next person.

This is a woman. She's got
blonde hair

And she got big boobs.

Oh, Samantha Fox.

No. She was in " to ."

Dolly Part .

[ Cheering ]

Sal: Alright, last round.
Final round!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright.

All she has to do, the easiest
one, is throw a football

Through a moving tire.

Oh, my god. A moving tire?

You got it, girl.
You got it, baby!

Whoa!

[ laughter ]

Don't worry about it,
just focus, Adele.

You're doing it,
you're doing it!

Aww, jeez.

[ All shouting ]

[ Cheering ]

No, it didn't go through!

It did not go through!

It did not go through!

Q: Focus everything you got,
baby!

[ Shouts ]

Alright, you got it.

Come on! Get in there!

[ Cheering ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god!

[ Cheering, laughter ]

[♪♪]

Thanks, buddy.
Thanks for doing it, pal.