06x03 - The Parent Trap

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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06x03 - The Parent Trap

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator:
Coming up, why is Murr

getting something off his chest?

My nipples are so hard
under this apron.

[ Laughter ]

Why is Joe
getting jockey with it?

I was drying it out.
[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker

will have daddy issues
in tonight's punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're here
at Food Bazaar

putting sticky notes
on unsuspecting shoppers.

We're competing
head to head,

joker versus joker,
note for note.

The last person to attach a note
without getting caught

before a shopper leaves
the playing area wins.

Ready to do it?



Murr: All right, from the makers
of the balloon challenge

comes the
Post-it Note challenge.

You guys choose a target.

When they enter the playing
field, the game is on.

Whoever gets the most
sticky notes on their back

without getting caught
wins.

Okay.
Best two out of three.



Q: Oh, look at that!
Sal got one in!

Joe, your turn, buddy.
Your turn.

You know, they have
the solid cheeses,

-but if you want --
-I should get the Parmesan.

Get the Parmesan.

-Simply Orange. You got two.
-I don't know if we should.

-Oh, Joe got one.
-Wow.

Simply Orange
is for $ .

It's all tied up.

Sal: They don't have --
They don't have the...

He's eyeing you guys.

This guy's radar
is pinging right now.

Oh!
Oh! Sal's fell off!

But nobody was caught,
so the game's still on.

Sal: If we get the two yogurts,
we can do it.

Gouda?

[ Laughter ]

You like stickies?
Here.

Play with the stickies.
They stick.

There you go.
[ Laughs ]

Murr: All right.
Now the kid's got it.

The kid's playing with it.
Stickies are fun.

-You gave it to the kid.
-I gave it open,

but the father took it
and stuck it on this kid.

Okay. Wait till
the kid throws it.

That was a genius move.

Why are you not
giving me props for that?

I made a fake list,
and I said,

"Oh, I love these stickies.
You want a sticky?"

Then he stuck it
on his own son.

I used him
as a delivery system.

It was brilliant.

Why you guys --

That's a big-time
move I just did.

No one's impressed.



And the kid dropped it,
so -- [ Laughs ]

Murr: Oh, he's about
to leave the aisle!

-Oh!
-Oh!

Sal loses.

Bad luck.
The Sal Vulcano way, baby.

Oh, awesome, man.
Thanks.

Oh, this guy's
a fan of the show.

Yeah, I got a piece
of paper right here.

I actually happen
to have a Post-it.

I'll see if I can get
a pen for you.

[ Laughter ]

Troy -- Yeah.
My son's name is Troy.

Troy.

-I'll sign that for you.
-There you go, man.

-Excellent.
-Say hi to him for us, man.

-I appreciate it.
-Thanks. Appreciate it.

Murr: Oh! Sal!

He slipped it on a fan.

Q: That's smart.

Listen, it's a pleasure, man.
It was a pleasure to meet you.

Oh!
Oh! It's tied up!

[ Laughter ]

Sal gets caught!

Joe Gatto steals it!

[ Laughter ]



Guys,
good luck out there.

Damn it.
I don't have a jacket.

-You don't have a jacket?
-No, and my --

Oh, your nipples are gonna
be popping right out.

They're getting it already.
You see this? Already?

[ Chuckles ]

These are cream cheese?

Dope.

Both: Mmm.

Oh. Oh.
I'm so sorry.

Sal: Oh, here we go.
Joe: Oh, my God.

All right. Whoo.
Almost went down. [ Laughs ]

-Are you guys okay?
-I'm okay, yeah.

You okay, sir?
You all right?

-Wow!
-Oh, oh, oh!

[ Groaning ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, no, I'm okay.

Are you guys -- It doesn't
seem like you're okay.

Wow. Murray's got
an answer for every one.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. And thank you for
being such a good Samaritan.

Appreciate it.
You all right? All right.

What do you got there?
Bananas?

[ Laughter ]

The bananas -- I think the
bananas are on sale, by the way.

They're like $ .
They're on sale.

No, no, those were on sale
last week. Last week.

-Are you sure?
-Last week.

He's like a walking desk.
Oh, my God.

They have the circular
over there.

The circular
shows them on sale.
- .

Post-its
on this man.

Looks like
my old cubicle.

Well, hey,
thanks for the help.

Oh, my God.
- . Post-its.

To be honest, that guy
kind of had it coming.

He's tripping on the aisle.
You know? I mean, come on.

[ Laughter ]

Post-its. - .

Do you mind
if I grab that?

I'm actually gonna
grab the Starbucks.

Post-its.

That one is
the most delicious.

-Oh, sorry, sir.
-You okay?

Sal: Oh! Purple down!

[ Laughter ]



Nope, nope.
It's back. It's back.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: And that's it!

Joe: Is he blaming --
Who's he blaming?

Sir, can I ask you
a question?

Who do you think
did that?

That guy?

[ Laughter ]

Worth a bite or not?

These are good.

Like, good, like, good
or like...?

Yeah. I could get you some
if you want.

[ Laughs ]

You're going to eat
one dozen cannolis?

You're not.
You're gonna get sick.

I'm not making you do it,
even for the joke, okay?

I'm your friend.

Joe, stop.

I got them
in a good clip right now.

Joe, holy [bleep]
Five cannolis.

They got to be at least
calories each.

All you do is drink
coffee and pastries.

He just goes glug, glug,

and he's like, "All right!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!"

You also --
You also had a macaroon.

[ Laughs ]

Sal: Oh, you got to be
kidding me. Look at this guy.

What do you think that
this is gonna do for you?

-It's gonna cover his nipples.
-It's gonna cover my nipples.

Joe:
That's all it's doing.

That's all it's doing,
is covering his nipples.



Ma'am, we've got a sale on
everything here on the right --

on the left
if you'd like today, okay?

So please help yourself.

And Murray's in,
using credibility

from the apron
that's covering his nipples.

He went high!
He went high!

Oh, my God.
And she has no clue whatsoever.

And I feel like her bun
will help it stay on

if it starts to fall.

I don't know if you saw these.
These are for $ .

Joe: Oh, Q's fell!

Q, this
nipple-covering apron

may prove to be
the death of you.

Is this --
is the cream...?

-Is this on sale?
-Stay over there.

It's a question --
if it's on sale.

It's not on sale, sir.
Cheapo.

-Oh, Murray's up.
-It is his turn.

Sal: Wow!
She's really loading up.

Oh, she's going for $ .
She's doing the for $ deal.

Great deal here.
for $ on the Tropicana.

By the way,
it's all varieties.

Oh, the bread?

I used to work
in the bakery department.

I used to work right around
the bakery department,

and then they switched me
to the frozen foods,

and now I'm freezing
all day!

My nipples are so hard
under this apron.

Sal: Oh, that's a weird thing
for your grocer to tell you.

I've never had a grocer
talk to me about their nipples.



I'm sorry. I think you have
my cart, sweetheart.

-Oh, my God.
-Tied up, tied up.

-He tied it up.
-I forgot. I just came for this.

-Look at this. Look at this!
-All right. Thank you.

She's leaving the aisle.
She's leaving the aisle.

She's getting away.
Hurry up.

She is...



I'm sorry. I think you have
my cart, sweetheart.

-Oh, my God.
-Tied up. He tied it up!

You know what? I forgot.
I just came for this.

-Look at this. Look at this!
-All right. Thank you.

Sal: She's leaving the aisle.
She's leaving the aisle.

Joe: She's getting away.
Hurry up.

Pay attention
to her feet!

The sharks, the sharks.
Circling.

She's gonna step over!

Don't forget about
the other juices on the right.

Oh! He got it! He got it.
His foot was in.

-Wow!
-Have a great day, okay?

[ Ding! ]
Good work, buddy.

Narrator: Take note --

Q and Sal are stuck
on the loser board.

Today, we're working as
field reporters in the park,

only we've arrived too late
and completely missed

the incident
we're supposed to cover.

What's a reporter to do?

We're going to have to
convince a stranger

to repeat a crazy quote
into this recorder.

The catch is that
these ridiculous quotes

have been made up
by the other guys.

If you can't get the stranger
to recite the quote, you lose.

Let's take minute and just
reflect on what's going on here.

What?! James Murray,
ace reporter!

-Oh, my God.
-No?

Narrator:
It's a Double Down challenge.

What time is it?
Time for a quote.

Where in the hell
am I gonna get this quote?

Guys, did you just come from
over at that end of the park?

Yeah.
I'm a reporter with
the Staten Island Bugle.

I'm supposed to get
a quote on a story.

They're already gone?
Damn it.

The story was that there
was a man dressed as a ghost

and he defecated himself.

-[ Laughs ]
-Oh, I missed it!

I'm supposed to get a quote
for the article I got to right.

Can one of you guys
help me out?

[ Laughter ]

Can one of you guys
just give me the quote?

I can run right back,
finish the article,

and get it printed,
and I won't lose my damn job.

Some would call him
a freak,

but that dude was
the [bleep]
Yeah!

-No, no!
-"Sheet."

Sheet, sheet, sheet.
It's a pun.

Some would call him a freak,
but that dude was da sheet.

Yes. Thanks, man. Yes!

[ Laughter ]

The glasses and the tweed
jacket does it every time.

Q: It's the outfit.
It's the outfit.

Oh, man. Is it over?

Boys, bad news --
I missed the whole thing.

Murr: You did?

Hi, hon. I'm with the press.
I don't know if you heard --

a woman gave birth to twins
without any assistance.

Actually, yeah, right up there.
I already wrote the quote.

It's super easy.
I just need somebody to say...

That's the quote I wrote.
No? Well, no --

[ Laughter ]

No? Are you sure?
Because I got a deadline.

I got a deadline.

[ Buzzer ]



Excuse me, ladies.

I'm trying to get a quote
for an article

for the Staten Island
Retreat newspaper.

Would you guys mind
two seconds?

It would really
help me out.

But you said that
in English.

[ Laughs ]

What happened was, uh,

there was an oil spill
right off New York today.

And I just need
someone to say...

[ Laughs ]

That black stuff
be sticky.

-Oh!
-Oh, man!

Are you here visiting
a boyfriend or...?

You know,
I had escargot once.

[ Laughter ]

-All right, Sal.
-Excuse me, ma'am.

Did you see the flower
planting ceremony

by the city here today?

I'm just looking to get
a quote for the paper.

Um, the city's
gonna be planting

all new flowers
in the park.

I also wrote the article out,
and I have a quote here

that would work great
for that article.

I was wondering
if you could say...

[ Laughter ]

All right, Sal,
we like this one a lot,

so we're gonna give you
another sh*t at it, buddy.

Go ahead.
Oh, God.

In fact, Sal,
you can't stop

until someone gives you
that quote, buddy.

Excuse me, miss.

In regards to the flowers
being planted,

would you be willing
to say this quote here?

"I voted for cactus,

but nobody cares
what this old lesbian thinks."

Oh, okay.

[ Laughter ]
[Bleep] you guys.

"I voted for cactuses,

but nobody cares
what this old lesbian thinks."

So I was wondering
if you could just say --

if you could quote that, and
I can just put it in the paper.

[ Laughter ]

I wanted someone to say,
"I voted for cactus,

but nobody cares what
this old lesbian thinks."

I voted for cactus...

but nobody cares what
this old lesbian thinks."

Thank you so much.

-Oh, my God.
-Wow.

Have a great day.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Joe missed his deadline,

so he's doing double time
on the loser board.

It's a Joker vs. Joker
challenge,

and today, Joe and Q

are facing off
as financial planners.

While meeting
with prospective clients,

we'll have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

At the end,
we'll ask them to rate

how likely they are to come
back for another meeting.

Whoever gets
the lowest score loses.



How you doing? Samuel.

Good. Brian. Hey. How are you?
Very nice to meet you.

All right, so you know
what we're doing here, Samuel?

Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

What are you interested
in learning about?

Is there any specific area

that you're interested
in learning about?

Yeah, um, I actually have
a couple questions.

Joe: Stop right there.
Let me tell you about me.

All right, let me tell you
about me, though.

Okay.

I've been doing
this for years.

I've been doing this
for years.

Okay.
Matter of fact...

You know,
matter of fact...

...I just made $ .

...I just made $ .
Oh, nice.

$ every seconds.

Every seconds,
on average,

my portfolio...
$ .

Now I have $ .
Nice.

So, you got a savings
account and [bleep]?

Okay.

Ask him!

Murr: He can't do it!

[ Laughter ]



So, you got a savings
account and [bleep]?

Okay.

Oh, I got him!

Murr: He can't do it!

What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?

I have a book
over here.

There's nothing
back there, bud. Ask him.

So, do you have a savings
account and [bleep]?

I do.

[ Laughter ]

You do. Okay. Yes.

Do you have a will?

Do you have a will?

I don't have a will.
You don't have a will?

No.
Everyone should
have a will.

I'm actually leaving
everything in my will

to my high-school crush.

Like, I have a will.
I'm actually leaving everything

in my will
to my high-school crush.

Oh, my goodness.

Hopefully, she'll realize
I'm a nice guy.

The idea being, like,

she'll realize
that I'm a nice guy.

And then we can go
on a date in heaven.

And when she gets to heaven,
we could date.

You know what I'm saying?
Right, right.

It's a big sticking point
with my wife.

Right, right.

All right.
Let's see how you did.

On a scale of to ,
how likely are you

to have another
meeting with me?

-Like .
- ?

- ?!
Oh!

You're gonna make
a [bleep] load of money.

I hope so.
Let's do it.

[ Ding! ]

Great. Joe.
Have a seat, pal.

All right, Ray,
so, I'll give you

an overview of basically
how it is,

this financial plan
that's right for you.

Keep saying
"shtock market."

Shtock, shtock.

We talk a lot about
the shtock market,

shtocks in general.

I don't know
if you own any shtocks,

dividends,
bonds, shtocks.

We talk about all that.

You want to probably
try to keep down the amount

of credit-card debt
you're in.

Very smart.

You want a negative balance
on all your credit cards.

You want a negative balance on
all your credit cards, actually.

I always send in extra money
every month.

I always send in
extra money.

When people ask me
about my credit score...

So that when somebody asks me
about my credit score...

...I tell them those b*tches
owe me money, son.

...I'm like, "Those b*tches
owe me money, son."

[ Laughter ]

What do you do now?

Security guard.
Security guard. Great.

Turn around and look at
the shelf behind you, bud.

I had a book back here
that -- Oh.

Q: It's a wet jock strap
drying behind his head.

[ Laughing ] You're here
for financial planning.

Sorry, I accidentally
left my jock strap out.

-I was drying the sweat out.
-I was drying it out.

Murr:
Put it on the desk.

Ah.

[ Laughter ]

Talk to me about your
retirement a little bit.

Paint me a picture
of what you think your
retirement would be like.

-I think to enjoy life.
-Now close your eyes.

Nice, warm, like Florida maybe,
in the Caribbean or something?

Yeah, yeah,
margarita in your hand.

Sal: Get carried away.
No shirt on,

just taking in
those sun rays.

It's nice.
That's it, baby.

Maybe you're in a hammock.
Fresh coconut.

Sal: Maybe I'm rubbing
some lotion on you.

Maybe, you know, I'm rubbing
some lotion on you.

No, I'm sorry. I got caught up.
I got caught up. I'm kidding.

On a scale of to ,

how likely would you be to
have another meeting with me?

I would say about an .
An ? That high. Great.

- .
-It's a dead tie.

Wow, buddy!
Shtocks.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Both Q and Joe
had their finances in order,

but Joe is still
tonight's big loser.

Joe lost, so today,

we're here at Twinkle
Playspace for kids.

That's right. And you know
what parents love?

They love when other parents
try to do their job for them.

Yeah, and, Joe, you're
the only parent amongst us.

And you're always
talking about,

"I'm a parent, I'm a parent,
I'm a parent."

So get in there and parent
other people's kids.

These are
my three children.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: This is a play space
for kids and their parents.

Parents that bring their kids
here are good parents.

Joe doesn't think so.

Sal: Ooh.
Is that woman texting?

You can't keep your eyes on your
kids when you're texting, Joe.

That's right.

-What's your secret?
-For?

Texting and watching a child
at the same time.

Oh-oh-oh-oh!

I just do it.

Alexia!

I have no idea
where she is, by the way.

Well, you might know
if you weren't texting.

Yeah,
it's easy to keep --

It's hard to keep track
of them sometimes

when they're running around
'cause it's a big space.

Q: Say the line.

Easier when you're,
you know...

[ Laughter ]

Alexia! I have no idea
where she is, by the way.

Well, you might know
if you weren't texting.

Yeah, it's easy
to keep --

It's hard to keep track
of them sometimes

when they're running around
'cause it's a big space.

Q: Say the line.

Easier when you're,
you know --

Easier when
you're not texting.

It's definitely easier
when you're not texting
to keep an eye on them.

Alexia!

Alexia?
Alexia!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, what was that --
Parent was on that slide.

It's for children.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Ah, the look!

[ Laughter ]

Oh. Pacifiers
and trampolines don't mix.

Pacifier and trampoline
makes me nervous.

I don't want to see that
beautiful face get busted up.

[ Laughter ]



Sal:
Get this woman right here.

What percentage of parents
you think are good parents?

Let me ask you
something.

Being here,
what percentage of parents

do you think
are good parents?

You know, what I did?
I put a chip in my son

so I know where he is
at all times.

I put a chip
inside my child

to know where he is
at all times.

It's a kid tracker.

No, but it's also -- They do
wonderful things. It's Wi-Fi.

It's Wi-Fi enabled,
so it makes him

very popular at the playgrounds
'cause he's a Wi-Fi hotspot.

I can stream music
and movies through him.

I can also stream
all my movies and music.

[ Laughter ]

If you want to use it,
the password's "sugartits."

[ Laughter ]

You have to say it.
You have to say it.

You were on the phone before.
If you want to connect

to my son's Wi-Fi,
the password's "sugartits."

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.
This is [bleep] miserable.

[ Laughter ]

Nice!

Say, "I think
he might have deuced."

I think this one deuced.

I thought it was him.
One of these two deuced.

I think one of the
two of them deuced.

Somebody. Somebody.
[ Laughs ]

Somebody deuced.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Just say
to another parent,

"Looks like I'm striking out
all over the place here today."

Been striking out here
all day.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Ooh, Joe, looks like
someone else is on their phone.

Got to make sure
you're paying attention

to what happens out there

'cause you look down once --
it's like texting and driving.

Are you just a nanny?

Are you just
a guardian or...?

Oh, he's your son.

I've seen nannies text.
Never seen a parent.

[ Laughter ]

I know, 'cause sometimes
I see nannies text.

[ Laughter ]

Never seen really
a parent do it.

[ Laughter ]

Hi!

Sal: Go to the kid.

"Did you get hurt
while Mommy was texting?"

[ Laughter ]

Did he get hurt when Mommy was
texting? What happened?

[ Laughter ]

Sal: She walked away.

[ Laughter ]



Joe Gatto just got
punished here at Twinkle.

But it wasn't child's play
putting this thing together.

You're gonna find out
how it went down.

And you get bonus content
from tonight's episode.

Check it out.

So, this punishment
is so massive,

it's taking up
two separate residences.

Follow me.

Excuse me.



And here's the BTS.

I'm here with Brian --

Aaah! The hell!

[ Laughter ]

You can't just sneak up
on someone like that.

Whew!

I'm here
with Brian "Q" Quinn,

and he's signing
some autographs for fans.

Q, tell me.
Yeah, buddy.

What's the impetus
for this punishment?

Why do you think
this is gonna get Joe?

Uh, 'cause Joe's a parent.
Yeah.

And Joe
is very sensitive

to the, you know,
temperament of parents.

Go get that one.

Bud, you dropped one more.

An adult's talking to you.

[ Laughter ]

Special soup delivery for Murr.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Special soup delivery
for Murr.

This is soup number three
of the day.

Is that right?

Yes.

Joe's about to find out
what he has to do.

So, this [bleep] hole lost.

So, today, we're here at
Twinkle Playspace for kids

for his punishment.

Joe Gatto, you just
put your earpiece in?

I put my earpiece in.
I got my bottle of water.

I'm ready
to go be punished.

-And what is this?
-This is a fake coffee.

-It's a microphone.
-It's a microphone.

So, the earpiece is gonna be
telling you everything

you have to parent today.

Yeah. Didn't you
watch the intro?

-I did watch the intro.
-They already saw all this.

What are we wasting
their time for?

-This is a recap.
-A recap?

But this is not
fun stuff to recap.

You want to see something funny,
watch this.

Sal: Oh, that kid's going up
the slide the wrong way, buddy.

Nice and easy.
Careful.

The lady to the right
of the slide

is just
watching it happen.

You saw
what was happening.

The kid was trying
to go up the slide.

Sal: You did nothing.

You did nothing
about it.

With the setup,
the camera operators

were basically like
playing a video game.

Tony, waist up.
Lee, reverse master.

Now look for mom's face.

Look for mom's face.
Right there.

I have a little angel
who didn't take a nap,

and he's totally like...
Oh, no, no.

Well, some days they get cranky.
That's natural, you know?

If I see the little [bleep]
I'll point him out.

Yeah, but if I see the [bleep]
I'll point him out to you.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

How do you think
the punishment went?

It spins around.

Yeah, yeah, it spins around
like Joe had to, like,

really spin around this
whole place and figure it out.

Do you think
he was embarrassed?

Yeah.

The water --
did you get that here?

-No, I brought it.
-Oh.

Did you bring enough
for everybody?

Did you bring enough
for everybody?

-I mean, I should have.
-You should have, right.

That would have been
the right lesson to teach them.

[ Laughter ]



Sal: How many people you think
we got for the party?

- .
- ?

Is that including
me and you or...?

Celsius.

-We should get Silk, right?
-What?

-For your mother-in-law.
-Oh, I don't know.

It depends if we're gonna
get the almond milk or not.

There's an orange
mango tango, too.

Coffee-Mate
is what I want.

Yeah, get the Coffee-Mate.
Get the flavor.

Gouda? Mott's?
Philadelphia?

-Mott's?
-Gouda?

Chobani?

[ Laughter ]
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