06x08 - Medium, Well Done

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Q at a loss for words?

[ Laughing ]

Wait for it.

What does Murr look like
with a full head of hair?

Sal: Oh, my God!

Narrator: And which joker will
connect with his inner loser

in tonight's punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're at
Focus Pointe Global,

competing head to head

as TV executives
pitching our latest ideas.

The goal is to convince
a roomful of strangers

that your ideas are better
than the other guy's.

The catch is that we have
no idea what we're pitching

'cause our show ideas have
been written by our opponents.

At the end,
we'll ask the group

to vote for which one of us
had the better ideas.

Whoever gets
the fewest votes loses.

Guys, it's a show
about four friends

since high school, right?
There's one that --

-Pass! Pass!
-No, no, no!

Joe: Here we go.

I have a distinct
advantage here,

because I have worked
as a development executive

for a TV company
for a decade.
That's right.

A few of these ideas are
his real own stupid ideas.

[ Laughter ]

-Hi, guys.
-Thank you, guys, for coming.

We're going to pitch you ideas
for TV shows and movies.

I will start.
This one is "Lil' Cheaters."

Watch the tears spill
as -year-olds

who have just committed to their
first boyfriends and girlfriends

see hidden-camera footage
that reveals

their first significant other
being unfaithful.

[ Joe and Q laugh ]

Come on.
[ Laughs ]

They're , though.

Fidelity knows no age.

[ Joe and Q laugh ]

First one I'd like to pitch is
"Not So Shrimple, Is It?"

[ Both laugh ]

In each episode
of this docu-soap,

a different family is given
an excess of leftover shrimp.

What will they do with
all the extra shrimp?

[ Laughter ]

We'll keep going.
We've got a, uh...

[ Laughter ]

"Jamaican Batman,"
a.k.a. "Botmon."

[ Both laugh ]

It's the classic story
of Batman reggae-fied.

"'Jamaican' me crazy
for my dead parents."

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, it's like -- You know,
it's like the Jamaican Batman.

This is backfiring, Sal,
so bad!
Wow.

If you love that,
you're gonna love this one.

By the way, that color pink
looks great on you.

[ Laughter ]

Sal's trying to curry favor
by complimenting people.

In this crime drama,
Nobel Prize winners

suddenly drop dead
from heat exhaustion

at the Miss America Pageant.

When the Nobel Prize winners
later show up

at the Nathan's
Hot Dog Competition,

no one knows what to think
except for Stephen Hawking,

who can walk again
but won't reveal how.

"Nobel Gases."

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, it's too highbrow.

Oh-ho! Too highbrow.

Okay. Next -- "Samantha Brown
Does It Again."

Everyone's favorite travel host,
Samantha Brown,

is back, doing it again.

[ Both laugh ]

She was in that show that ran
for like eight seasons,

"Samantha Brown Does It."

[ Laughing ]

This is a sequel, "Samantha
Brown Does It Again."

What does she do?

She travels the world, explores
different cultures, places.

She does it.
She does it.

-Is it the same show over?
-Again.

Again.
She does it again.

It's going
to all the same places

she already was in
all the other episodes?

Again.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah.

Doesn't make any sense.
I don't care if --

I don't care if
it's a documentary.
I love these stories.

That shirt's [bleep] on you,
by the way.

[ Both laugh ]

Q: Sal's going down,
and he knows it!

Here we go.
"Doc, Make My Abs Hairy."

This is a new
reality show.

Women all over the world

are flocking to make
their abs hairy...

Q: Women are?

...in this elective
cosmetic procedure

that's taken the world
by storm.

And this documentary traces its
origins from to modern-day.

[ Laughter ]

How much hair?
Mustache hair or full hair?

We're not gonna full --
Not a full Groucho.

[ Laughing ]

Joe:
What does that even mean?

Okay.
Which one of our ideas

do you think are more marketable
or more likely to be used?

I would say his.

You would say James.
Okay.

-You would also say James.
-I say James.

[ Ding! ]

Joe: Murr wins it.

Thank you, sir.
You know what, though?

You look like
a million bucks.

[ Buzzer ]

And we work in the
entertainment industry.

And we're basically
just trying

to get feedback of
who has the better ideas.

Murr: Now, Joe wrote
all Q's ideas...

And Q wrote all Joe's.

Okay.
This one's "Pound Town."

Just outside of London,
a group of obese people

run a k*ll shelter in this
daily two-hour dramedy.

-"Daily two-hour dramedy"?
-It's on every day.

When the money is tight
and the dogs are gone,

what will Mr. and Mrs. Pound
do for money and food?

That could be
an interesting one.

[ Both laugh ]

So, this is called
"Shallow Drowning."

Follow three ministers
as they set off on a pilgrimage

to bring faith
to a sinking island.

The residents are cannibals,

and the ministers are chubby,
and the tide is rising.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughs ]
-Okay.

-Sounds awful.
-"It sounds awful."

Just from an
interest standpoint,

people know what it is.

That's something
they're gonna watch.

What?

Somebody get eaten this week?
How far is it gonna sink?

Maybe it will sink this week
while we're watching.

[ Both laugh ]

All right. I'm up.
"Tickle Me Timbers."

From executive --
[ Laughs ]

Just the title
gets me every time.

[ Laughter ]

Right. Okay.
All right, I'm up.

"Tickle Me Timbers."
From executive --

[ Laughs ]

Just the title
gets me every time.

From executive producer
Chuck Sharts, "Tickle Me Ti--"

[ Both laugh ]

"Tickle Me Timbers"
is so funny.

[ Both laugh ]

Murr: [ Laughing ] The plant!
Get the plant out of the way!

"Tickle Me Timbers" is
an imaginative reinvention

of a Somali pirate hijacking
Captain Phillips.

In each episode, we see
pirates taking a new ship

and breaking hearts as
they break all the rules.

"Tickle Me Timbers."

[ Both laugh ]

That sounds the best
out of all the ideas so far.

All right.
Go ahead, bud. You're up.

This is, "Hola Mami!
Where Are You?"

Alice is
a savvy businesswoman

who is too busy
for a relationship.

Mike...
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Mike pretends to be a gay,
blind Puerto Rican man

in order to get close
to Alice...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]
...the woman of his dreams.

[ Both laugh ]

So...

-That would work.
-Yeah, that'd work.

[ Laughter ]

All right, if you liked --
if you like that,

you're gonna love
"In the Dog House."

A former salesman
with an eating disorder

has his life ruined
when his foreign --

when his foreign wife

can't stop bringing home bichon
frises and spending money,

driving him into madness

and murdering
in this harrowing drama.

[ Laughing ] It's Joe!
It's a description of Joe!

-This sounds like --
-My life.

I probably would watch it.
Is it a comedy?

Make no mistake -- there's
nothing funny about this one.

Yeah, this is just
a straight-up drama.

[ Both laugh ]

You're up.
I'm gonna take a little time.

It's called "Chillin'
With Mr. Broadway,"

and it's
a multi-cam comedy

which brings Morgan Freeman
back to series television

as a mythical and mystical
Lord of Broadway.

Each episode deals with...

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ]
Continue.

[ Laughter ]

-Go ahead. It's great.
-I wanna hear it.

Each episode deals
with the Lord of --

[ Laughing ]

-Hold on.
-Wait for it.

[ Laughter ]

He's gone!

-Here, I'll help you out.
-I can't even read it!

Each episode deals
with the Lord of Broadway's

ever-growing harem
of chorus girl and choir boys,

in which he secretly
controls

New York City's
financial nucleus.

[ Both laugh ]

That makes no sense.

It's Morgan Freeman.
You can't b*at.

I mean, Morgan Freeman's
played those kind of roles

the last years.

Yeah, he plays good roles.

[ Both laugh ]

So, if you had to pick one,

who would you say has
the more marketable ideas?

I'm gonna go with yours.

Mine? Okay.

-Tiebreaker.
-Yeah, yours.

Me? Oh, that's me!

Oh, you got one, though.

Murr: Joe wins.

Narrator: Sal and Q struck out
on these pitches,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up
behind the counter

at Hill Country Barbecue
in downtown Brooklyn.

While working the counter,
we'll have to do and say

what the other team
tells us.

If you refuse to do or
say anything, you lose.

What they said.

♪

Murr:
Sal, help this guy out,

but, Joe, keep almost
falling backward.

To stay or to go?
To stay, all right.

And what was it?

[ Both laugh ]

You look like
a psychopath.

-Whoa!
-All right.

-Good?
-Yeah, you're good, you're good.

Watch your step, man.

Wh-o-o-o-oa!

Murr: This is not working,
but it is --

Whoops, Joe!
Look out, look out, Joe!

-Whoa! Whoa!
-Stop doing it.

He's just doing it
'cause it's so bad.

-Who are you doing it for?
-Oh, yeah.

Q: All right, Sal,
no matter who comes up next,

just inform them that
you don't normally serve

intoxicated customers,

but if they behave,
you'll let them eat.

-Is she drunk?
-I think she looks drunk to Sal.

It's to-go, then?

All right, that's good, though,
because if you're intoxicated,

you cannot eat
in the establishment.

And it's nothing personal.

I'm not intoxicated.

Right.
But we'll have it saved to-go.

Murr: Oh, my God.

The thing is, just,
if someone's here intoxicated,

then we can't have them
eating...

Joe, mime whatever
Sal's saying.

So we can't have people
who are intoxicated...

-Coming here.
-...here.

No, just the drunks.

No, just the drun--
just the drunks.

Just the people
who have been drinking.

Say, "Sure," and wink --
, , .

Both: Sure.

[ Laughter ]

You have a good day.

[ Both laugh ]

-A half chicken?
-Yes.

Guys, you think this guy needs
a deejay at his wedding?

Just in case
you're in the market --

I'm not sure
where you stand at --

but if you're looking to get
married, I deejay.

-He's sick at them. He's sick.
-Yeah.

Sal, you're his hype man.

-I'm his hype man.
-Really?

Yeah, I'd be nothing
without him.

He's done all my weddings.

Oh, yeah?
All your weddings?

-Yeah.
-Three. Wow.

My first wedding,
she slept with the deejay.

My first wedding,
she slept with the deejay.

Yeah, that was my bad.
I didn't realize that
they were that serious.

But that's how
we became friends.
That's how we met up.

[ Laughing ]
Second wedding, deejay.

-Yeah, we're tight.
-Second wedding...deejay.

Yeah, but that one wasn't my
fault, if I'm gonna be honest.

[ Both laugh ]

Okay, if you need me,
I'm here on Tuesdays.

-Hey, Joe?
-Yeah?

Whoa! Whoa!

Doesn't make any sense.

-Whoa!
-Whoa!

-It's so slippery.
-It's beyond stupid.

Q:
Sal, say loudly -- ready? --

"You know the one tattoo
I would never get?"

You know the one tattoo
I would never get?

A neck tattoo.

[ Laughter ]

No, I'm not saying that.

[ Both laugh ]

So, that's it?
You give up? You're done?

Joe, you know what
screams criminal to me?

You know what screams
criminal to me?

A neck tattoo.

-[ Both laugh ]
-No. No.

Keep it to -- Keep it to people
on that side of the counter.

[ Buzzer ]
Yeah, that's it.

So, today, we came in,
and we saw this thing.

It is fake hair
that you apply.

And so we made Murray

put on a full head of hair
today using this.

So, let's see Murray
with hair.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God!

We made Murray put on a full
head of hair today using this.

So, let's see Murray
with hair.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God!

-Come on.
-Oh, my God.

You know what you look like?
You look like Curious George.

[ Laughter ]

It's weird, man!

Does that look real to people
that don't know you?

-Because it looks real.
-Yeah.

You don't even know what it's
like being in its presence.

[ Both laugh ]

Q:
Lunch rush is over.

Joe: You guys just hanging out
by yourselves down there?

Who is that? Shaw--
Is the new guy's name Shawn?

Which guy?

Could they send Shawn
over here?

-This kid works on the show?
-Come here.

-Shawn, get over here.
-Stick this in your ear.

-Come on behind the counter.
-What?

Come behind the counter.
You're working.

-Wait. What are you doing?
-Stick that in your ear.

[ Laughter ]

You're on camera.
We're off shift.

Well, I must say, this is
quite the turn of events.

Well, there's no customers.
What are we gonna do?

-You can hear us, Shawn?
-Yeah.

Joe: Just turn to the guy
on the right there.

Tell him that his
neck tattoo is lame.

Oh, wait.
Hey, Shawn, let me
ask you a question.

It's not that easy,
is it?!

No, no!

[ Laughing ]

-How are you?
-Hi.

Just a rack of ribs?

Shawn, say,
"Speaking of rack of ribs,"

and then point
at the woman's boobs.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughter ]

Look how embarrassed
this poor kid is!

Q: Nice work, buddy.
Thank you.

Guys, did you spill
something back here?

Did we spill something?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Now you're doing it
on your own?

-It was so fun.
-It's not.

It was a swing
and a huge miss.

It's sweeping the nation.

-[ Laughs ]
-Murr, mess up your hair.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Go ahead and run
your fingers through it.

Ooh.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, my God.

Joe: Oh, and she's --
"What is this?"

You look like you just
mud-wrestled and lost.

Sal: Q, take some money out
of your wallet, soak it,

then run back in and say,
"Dude, I just found a
twenty in the 'terlet.'"

[ Water runs ]

Welcome to Hill Country.
How can I help you?

Woman:
I think I'll have the --

-Happy day!
-What?

I just found a twenty
in the terlet.

[ Laughter ]

You took that from
the customer terlet?

You can't say 'terlet'
enough.

It was just lying there
in the terlet.

Joe: Do you think it's one
of these fake twenties?

You don't think this is fake,
do you?

I don't know if it's fake.
Can you see the stripe?

[ Laughter ]

No, that's
a terlet twenty.

[ Both laugh ]

Did you use the men's room,
and did you lose a twenty?

-No.
-[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Sal:
By the way, Murray's head...

He just noticed
what he looked like.

We're talking about
the terlet twenty,

and we forgot about
your head.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Sal's hopes of winning
got flushed down the terlet,

making him tonight's big loser.

Today, we're here
for Sal's punishment,

and, Sal,
do you know what it is?

-Of course not.
-Can you read my mind?

No, but I --
I already was a psychic.

That's right, you were,
but you were never

the subject of a psychic medium,
which you are today.

Okay.

Sal, whatever our psychic
says about you,

you have to agree with.

And when the psychic
asks you a question,

you have to give
the embarrassing answer

that we, of course, give you.

-Is it a real psychic?
-Yes.

Wait. So what if some real
stuff starts coming out?

[ Laughter ]
We could hope.

Joe, one of the first things
that I get from you

is kids
playing with jacks.

We got Jesse Bravo
in the house tonight.
That's right, yeah.

He's a real-deal
psychic medium.

I'm just feeling the --
your history.

And as a little switch, we have
an earpiece in Jesse Bravo.

So Jesse will be saying
what we want him to say.

Yeah. I'm getting some vibes
over here, and, uh...

Uh, you, sir, over here.

Q:
Here we go, here we go.

Sal has to agree with anything
the psychic says about him.

-Name?
-Sal.

Thank you so much.

So, we got a lot
going on here.

I definitely can sense it.

[ Laughter ]

Was there a recent falling-out
with your family?

Is there a recent falling-out
with your family?

Yes.

Something happened
with your niece?

Yes.

-You gave her a cigarette?
-You gave her a cigarette?

I did.

[ Laughter ]

I'm the cool uncle.

[ Laughter ]

I'm known
as the cool uncle.

[ Laughter ]
Joe: "I'm the cool uncle."

And she's ?

.

I feel like
this will resolve itself.

All right, I feel like this
is gonna resolve itself.

I feel like you've started
to date again, like, recently?

And you had a date
that went well?

Yes.

Her name is Nadira.

The person that I'm referencing
is named Nadira.

I call her Nads.

I call her Nads.

She's annoying
but not too much.

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

I feel like you've started to
date again, like, recently?

Yes.

She's annoying
but not too much.

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, this is tough.
-The punishment.

She's, like --
I'm getting to know her.

She's a little annoying
but not too much.

[ Laughter ]

Doesn't give
too much back talk.

[ Laughter ]

Um...

She doesn't give
a lot of back talk.

She's perfect.

[ Laughter ]

Did you have to
fire your mother?

Did you have to
fire your mother?

I did.

I'm picking up that
you did it by e-mail?

You did it by e-mail.
Is that the problem here?

It was a text
followed by e-mail.

[ Laughter ]

A text followed up
by e-mail!

You have to do everything
with a paper trail.

Yeah, this will
resolve itself.

[ Laughter ]

You were traveling
recently?

Uh, I was --
actually got back Tuesday.

There was some type
of incident?

Like, subway,
underground, Tokyo?

I mean, I was
on the subway in Tokyo.

There was a pretty girl.

Uh, there was a young lady,
a pretty girl.

I thought to myself, "Wow."

And I thought to myself,
you know, "Wow."

"These Tokyos,
they're pretty."

[ Laughing ]
"These Tokyos..."

[ Laughter ]

"These -- Th-These, uh --

These -- These Tokyos are --
These Tokyos are pretty."

[ Laughter ]

I, uh...

I want to --
I just want to sit down.

"I just want to sit down"!

You have a fish
named Bubbles?

Uh, yes, yes.

Well, that's interesting,
'cause I feel like

you wanted to name it
something else.
I did, yeah.

But you were afraid people would
judge you harshly for the name.

You felt like people would judge
you harshly for the name?

I feel like people would judge
me on Bubbles, but, yeah.

-Yeah.
-What was the name?

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

Lamar Scrotum.

[ Laughter ]

He came up with that
by himself!

I think Bubbles is the
better choice. Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

But I sense that there may be
some people around your life

disguising themselves
as friends

but they're really
probably your enemies.

That's dead-on accurate.

But it's okay. I feel like
it's gonna resolve itself.

[ Laughter ]

-Thank you, Sal.
-Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much.
-Appreciate that. All right.

Sometimes you win some,
sometimes you lose some.

Today you lost.

[ Laughter ]

-Well done.
-Yeah, that was a good one.

-Good work, fellas.
-He didn't see that one coming.

All right, let me get some
quiet here for a second.

Quiet, please.

♪ Whose phone is ringing?
Mine, mine ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Whose phone is ringing?
Mine, mine ♪

I, uh...

♪ Whose phone is ring-- ♪

I got to take this.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God. How the [bleep]
do I get out of here?

[ Laughter ]