06x11 - Stuffed Turkey

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...
Check this out.

...what's got Sal crushing it?

[ Laughter ]

Why is Joe's underwear
going overboard?

[ Laughter ]

And which losing Joker
will be sent to the meat market

in tonight's punishment?

Hungry?
[ Chuckles ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?
[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today,
we've been "hired"

to assemble some
new office furniture.

And while working
alongside strangers

who have been hired
to do the same thing,

we'll have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.

-And if you refuse --
-You're screwed!

You're screwed.

♪

-Here we go.
-What was your name?

-Anna.
-Anna. Sal.

Hey, nice to meet you.

"I met Bon Jovi
last week."

I met Bon Jovi
last week, actually.

Oh! Awesome.

"Jon Bon Jovi smelled
like sandalwood."

Speaking of which,
Jon Bon Jovi

smelled like
sandalwood.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

"And he feels like
he works out."

And he -- he --
[ Laughter ]

He actually feels like
he works out, you know?

It's, like, we got together
for a picture.

-I had my arm around him.
-Right.

Very muscular guy.

-Nice.
-[ Laughs ]

Oh, this pops right in.

Sal, look up at her
and say "Rice?"

-Rice?
-Hmm?

-"How much rice?"
-How much rice?

"How much rice?"
What?

Annoyed, say "How much rice
could you eat in one sitting?"

How much rice could you eat
in one sitting?

Oh. Um, I don't know.
Probably like that much.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, it's filling.
[ Laughter ]

"You know who you look like?
My daughter's gyno."

[ Laughter ]

-He can't say that.
-Ohh.

-He'll get to it.
-Oh!

Joe:
Those boxes are empty.

Could you just go and swan-dive
into one of them?

♪

-Well --
-Yes?

Check this out.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.
He disappeared completely.

That's exactly
what I wanted.

-Little help, little help!
-Little help!

I certainly hope
you didn't just crush

all their light fixtures.

-"Anna."
-Anna.

"You look like
my daughter's gyno."

Sal: [ Laughing ] You look like
my daughter's gyno.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

-Yes!
-Wow.

-"Hey, Anna."
-Hey, Anna.

"You're on
a hidden-camera TV show

called 'Impractical Jokers.'"

You're on a hidden-camera
television show

-called "Impractical Jokers."
-[ Laughs ]

Me and my three friends
since high school

have a show on truTV.

I'm wearing an earpiece,

and my friends
tell me what to do.

[ Laughter ]

All right.
Oh, I'm Joe.

Randy?
Good to see you, pal.

Joe, get
your ass cr*ck out.

Got that --
The box looks like it's empty.

It looks like all
the pieces are out.

This is --
Yeah, this is the last.

[ Laughter ]

You got to get him
to look at it.

Do we put them this way?

[ Laughter ]

How is he not looking?

One, two --
Got four here.

All right. I think he noticed.
He saw it on --

He saw it in the smile.

I can't tell
where the hole is.

But it is the hole.
All right, the hole is there.

-Oh.
-Spin, spin.

There's the hole.
I found the hole.

[ Laughter ]

No, this is
the ass end of it.

I really want to get
this thing right.

I'm super a**l
about this stuff.

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Walk back and forth
through the shelf.

Those here. Right.

Four --
One, two, three, four.

Dude, just keep
walking through it.

Right. That way
those ends meet.

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
It's like one of my cats.

Keep your arms up
like a chicken.

[ Laughter ]

-What are we doing?
-I don't know.

Look at this set-up --
both bald.

-I know. Me, too.
-He's already complaining.

Q: Murr, you got
your phone on you?

Oh, it's ringing.
"Oh, I got to take this.

It's Sarah Michelle Gellar."
[ Laughter ]

Uh, it's Sarah
Michelle Gellar.

Sarah! Hi!

"Oh, you butt-dialed me?"

Oh, you butt-dialed me.

Unless this thing
is bent.

Bump heads, bump heads.

Yeah, hold on a sec.

Oh! I'm sorry.

-You're okay, bud.
-Excuse me.

"Now, whose sweat
is that?"

Was it your sweat
or my sweat?

I can't tell.
It's your sweat. Got it.

[ Laughter ]

Turn to him
and go "Grilled cheese,

tomato, bacon, whole wheat."

-Like he's taking his order?
-Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Grilled cheese, tomato,
bacon, whole wheat.

"Cut the crusts off."

Just cut the crusts off.

"Whenever you're ready. Sandwich
isn't gonna make itself."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, whenever
you're ready,

'cause the sandwich
is not gonna make itself.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Say, "You know what?
I think I know what to do here."

You know, I think
I know what to do.

Now go stand in between
some boxes facing the wall.

I think
I know what to do.

Take your phone out.

-"Hey, Sarah?"
-Hey, Sarah?

"Did you ever assemble
the Luxembourg from IKEA?"

Have you ever assembled
a Luxembourg from IKEA?

[ Laughter ]

She hung up.

[ Laughter ]

Q, you've never built
furniture in your life.

[ Laughter ]

Which fasteners
get that first two together.

-Right.
-Sorry.

Sal: "Oh, I see --
I see what this is.

I watched one of these
slowly tip over

onto my wife's kids once."

I saw one of these
slowly tip over

onto my wife's kids
one time.

-Oh, that's...
-Yeah.

...incredibly awful.
[ Laughter ]

-All right. Let's get started.
-Grab the bottom of his pants,

tug at them,
and go "Snake bite!"

[ Laughter ]

-All right, let's get started.
-Grab the bottom

of his pants, tug at them,
and go "Snake bite!"

[ All chuckle ]

-Now!
-Oh!

Snake bite.

Oh, that's so weird.

-So, that's going onto that?
-Yeah.

-"I started a vlog."
-So, I started, like, a vlog.

"It's called 'Work Hard,
Date Harder.'"

It's called
"Work Hard, Date Harder."

"I was gonna actually do
an entry for it right now."

Gonna do an entry
right now.

Hey, everybody!
This is, uh, Brian

from "Work Hard, Date Harder."

And you know I'm mainly known
for dating a lot, guys,

but today I've got
something special --

I'm working hard!

Wh-a-a-a-t?!

Here with my man J-Dawg!
J-Dawg.

[ Laughter ]

That's gonna get,
like, a lot of views.

Q, do another vlog.

All right --
Yo, yo, yo!

It's back to "Work Hard" --

Yeah -- "Date Harder"!
[ Laughter ]

Yo, man, I got my peep
J-Train right over here.

My buddy knows
how to do everything

except, what?

Snake bite!

What's that?

-"Snake bite"!
-Snake bite!

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughing ] He's running!
-Snake bite!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
All the Jokers were handy men,

so they're safe
from the loser board.

Today, we are teaming up

trying to get tighty-whiteys
into shopper's bags.

One guy will be talking to
a stranger on the ground floor

while his partner is trying
to toss these undies

into the person's bag
from the top floor.

The team who sinks the most
tighty-whiteys the bag wins.

Hey, are we looking at ourselves
and seeing what we just said?

♪

-Ahh, I'm ready for this.
-[ Laughs ]

Murr: Here we go, Q.
Dude, can you do me a solid?

Can you get a photo of me?
Do you mind? Thank you, man.

Here, let me -- Let's toss this.
Sal: Here we go, here we go.

Yeah, step forward a little bit.
Step forward a little bit.

I want to get
a little closer --

Oh, wait. Hold on. Count --

[ Laughter ]
Count to three.

The parachute didn't open.
That's why I don't skydive.

Ah, ah -- Yeah!

-It's in!
-That counts. That's one.

Oh, that's not bad!

Mark.

Oh, too far.

I'm gonna, like, kind of do,
like, one of these things, okay?

[ Both laugh ]

All right. Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.

The guy thinks nothing
of the underwear,

nothing.

-I got one.
-You got one!

This is it. There's a cluster
of bags right there.

Dude, do you mind
if I ask you a favor?

Can you take a selfie of me?

[ Laughing ] Ohh.

Murr: I want, like, this in
the background behind me.

-You want that?
-You got it right there?

Step one step closer.

[ Laughter ]

He looks like a magician,
you know,

when they keep pulling the --
pulling the stuff out.

He's pulling
out the scarf.

Come on! Hold on --
Let me see this.

They're too tangled!

-One, two, three.
-Oh.

-Ohh.
-Ohh!

Two -- You got it right there?
Step one step closer.

-Ah! That's one!
-Is that in?

-It counts as one.
-One step -- Here.

Like two steps closer.

The bag is surrounded
by tighty-whiteys.

Come on!
[ Laughter ]

-Come on.
-Q, you're [bleep] your bed.

This isn't
precision equipment.

-Ohh!
-Oh, come on!

-I'm out.
-No problem.

Thanks so much.
I really appreciate it.

-We got two points.
-That was bad.

It's not funny.

Murr: Joe's up top,
and Sal's down low.

Joe, are you loaded up
with panties?

As always, I got
a plethora of undies.

Excuse me, Miss.
Can you take a photo of me?

I want to send them
to my family.

Oh, it's okay,
it's okay.

-Okay.
-Oh!

He got it! He got it!

It's something
on a parachute.

Q: You got to admire
Joe's tenacity.

There you go. Oh!

Oh, so close.

Thank you. I appreciate that.
Thank you so much.

I don't know. It looks like --
It looks like --

I should try -- You know what?
I'm gonna try and catch one.

Go ahead, throw another one.
I'll try and g--

-You want to try one?
-Go ahead.

Try one, try one.
You got to get it in the bag.

-Got to get it in the bag.
-In my bag?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, why didn't we
think of that?

-We were outfoxed.
-He made it into a game.

Heads up.

Oh, there it is,
there it is. Yes!

[ Laughter ]

That's a champion.

They played the game,
and they played us.

Guys, that's what you
call a technicality.

The loophole is closed. You
can't enlist them to catch it.

Deal.

Excuse me,
can you take a picture of me?

I just want to get
that store in the background.

-[ Laughing ] Joe. Look at Joe!
-He's got two fists

full of panties.

[ Both laugh ]

It's a numbers game, boys.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, Joe, don't do it.

♪

Oh!
[ Laughing ]

Excuse me, can you take
a picture of me?

I just want to get
that store in the background.

-[ Laughing ] Joe. Look at Joe!
-He's got two fists

full of panties.

[ Both laugh ]

It's a numbers game, boys.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, Joe, don't do it.

It's about to rain undies
on this lady.

Like this?

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ]
Not a single one!

-Not one!
-Not a single one!

Okay, wait.

Maybe like this?

-Ah!
-Ah!

Damn it.

You guys got to think
like a winner.

[ Sighs ]

Narrator: Q and Murr got
their panties in a twist,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're shopping
at Food Bazaar

mistaking strangers
for someone we know.

While approaching
"someone we know,"

we'll be given a line to say.

When that shopper turns around,

we'll then be told
"how we know them."

If you refuse to say
any of the crazy things

we tell you to,
you lose.

Narrator: It's Q and Joe
in a Joker Vs. Joker challenge.

Q: Go up to this woman.

"Let's bounce. This poop dam's
about to burst."

All right, let's bounce. This
poop dam's about to burst. Oh.

"Ooh! I thought
you were my wife."

I'm sorry. I thought --
I thought you were my wife.

I thought you were my wife.

I'm sorry about that.

[ Laughter ]

Q:
She is staring at you.

Honey?

She has to laugh.

Honey?

[ Laughter ]

Joe, say to this guy
"Nice yams."

Nice yams.

"Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were a lady."

Oh. I thought
you were a --

I thought
you were a lady.

[ Laughs ]

I said "Nice yams" to you!

[ Laughter ]
Oh, it's too funny.

[ Laughs ]

'Cause you got the titties!
Oh.

[ Laughter ]

Sweet potatoes.
[ Laughs ]

This is like
"Twilight Zone" weird.

[ Laughing ] I said "Nice yams"
to you! Oh!

[ Deep voice ]
Have a good day.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Here we go.

"You got that weed,
you got that weed?"

You got that weed?
You got that weed?

"I-I'm sorry, I thought
you were my 'doctor.'"

Oh, I thought -- I'm sorry.
I thought you were my "doctor"

with my, uh,
"prescription."

[ Laughter ]

You wish?
[ Laughter ]

Are you sure
you don't have any,

'cause you're buying
a lot of ramen noodles.

That's what -- That's what I --
You know what I mean?

Plus the diamond marijuana
leaf on the hat.

Oh, man.
[ Laughter ]

"Right here'd be
pretty kinky, no?"

Right here'd be pretty --
Ohh.

[ Laughter ]

Right here's what?
I didn't hear you.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Make no mistake about it --

Q is tonight's big loser.

Hey!
Q is our loser.

So we are here
at SLATE New York,

and for your punishment, buddy,
you have to go attend this event

thrown by our friends
at onspeeddating.com.

The rules are simple, bud.
Go out there and mingle

at the speed-dating
event, right?

-Yeah, that's it?
-Yeah.

-And these?
-Oh!

We should mention
the other rule.

While at the event, you just
have to keep chomping down

those huge
[bleep] turkey legs

that we surgically
attached to you

while talking to people
at said event.

Wait, is it over
when I eat both these?

When you're done. When you see
two bones, you're done.

-You're Edward Turkeyhands.
-That's it.

-Or Edward Turkey--
-All right?

-They got to blur that.
-All right?

That's got to blur.

♪

There he is. There they are.
There are the legs.

Q:
There's grease everywhere.

Murr: Yeah!

All right, once that bell
rings, buddy,

the girl of your dreams
is about to sit down.

If the girl
of my dreams is here,

I'm going to k*ll you.
[ Bell ringing ]

Joe: Here we go,
and here come the ladies.

This is so [bleep] stupid.

Who's the first girl?
Here she comes.

Oh, here we go! Here we go!
[ Laughs ]

Murr: We have attached
these turkey legs to Q's wrists,

-so he can't get out -- No.
-Can't leave till they're done.

[ Bell ringing ]
Oh. Who's the first girl?

Here she comes!

Oh, here we go! Here we go!
[ Laughs ]

-Hi.
-Hi. How are you? How you doing?

Good. How are you?
What's you name?
Good, good. Brian.

-What's your name?
-Brian, I'm Teresa.

-Teresa -- Oh.
-Let me give you an elbow.

Yeah, all right.
How you doing?

-Good. How are you?
-Good, good.

-Little hungry, little --
-Little hungry.

You brought you own food, I see.
Yeah, yeah.

Murr: Take a bite.
[ Laughs ]

You know what's weird? There's
no plate or utensils or napkins.

-It's just a greasy --
-[ Laughing ] He's looking --

-Are you from New York?
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

[ Laughter ]

-You look very nice.
-I look nice?

-Oh, thank you.
-Yes. You're welcome.

She loves him!
This is -- This girl's fun.

So, what do you do?
I'm sorry.

-I'm a waitress.
-Oh, yeah? Where at?

Yeah, I work at a couple
dive bars in the city.

Oh, get out. Like, which ones?
I love dive bars.

[ Laughter ]

Get out.
Where in the city?

Upper West, .

Oh, yeah!
[ Laughter ]

Look at his face.

Are you familiar?

Murr:
Q, there's so much more turkey.

Do you know how long
it takes, technically,

to eat a turkey leg?

[ Laughs ]
Well, I like to eat.

-That's the problem.
-Oh, look at me.

You kidding me?
I come strapped.

[ Laughter ]

[ Bell rings ]

-Oh, is that it?
-Oh, we rotate. Um...

Aw. Well, maybe I can
get your number,

-and we can go out sometime.
-Okay.

-Yeah?
-Oh, here we go!

This is backfiring
in the first minute.

No, it didn't backfire.
He has to eat the turkey.

It has nothing to do
about meeting a woman.

You're right.
At the end day,
he still has to eat

pounds of warm fowl.
[ Laughing ] Yeah.

Murr: Here we go.
Here comes the next girl.

-[ Laughing ] Hi.
-[ Laughing ] Hey.

Hungry?

[ Laughter ]

-Look at his face.
-Oh, I love that tattoo.

-Thank you.
-I'm a fan of birds myself.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughing ] What do you do?
-I'm retired.

I was a --
I was a fireman.

Now I do this.

[ Laughter ]

So, what is it you do?

Uh, I-I work in fashion.

Murr: She keeps looking
at the turkey leg.

How long's
your hair been pink?

[ Laughter ]

There it is! There it is.
What was it before?

Um, blonde, blue.

Joe:
He's starting to fill up.

Oh, my God.
There's so much [bleep] turkey.

[ Bell ringing ]

[ Laughing ] It was great
meeting you, Brian.

It was so nice
meeting you, Megan.

That was uncomfortable.

Saved by the bell.

-Oh, I love that dress.
-Thank you.

-You're very well put together.
-Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

I can't eat any more.

Murr: It's not over
until you eat those.

Dude, this is so horrible.

I'm -- Oh, hey -- Hey!

[ Laughter ]

-Your name is Brian?
-Oh, yeah, Brian --

Rhymes with Ryan.
[ Laughs ]

You live in New York City?
I'm sorry.

-Yeah.
-Oh, what do you do?

I work with --
in trade credit insurance.

[ Laughs ]

Oh [Bleep] [Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Did you work today?

Yes. Did you?

Um, I did --

[ Laughter ]

He's done!
His mind has fallen asleep.

This is one of the
worst dates I've ever seen.

I feel like
I'm gonna die.

[ Bell rings ]
Oh.

It was very nice
to meet you, Brian.

Try to shake her hand.
Try to shake her hand.

Thank you so much.

[ Laughter ]
She reached out and touched.

I need a drink of water.
I can't continue.

-I need something.
-You can get yourself a water.

We should mention this
is the portion of the event

that people just mingle,

so you get to walk around
the event right now

with your turkey hands.

I can't eat
any more [bleep] damn turkey.

Sal: There's still
so much turkey left.

It's crazy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Groans ]
Bartender?

Are you next?

[ Laughter ]

Can I get a water?
Thank you.

[ Murr laughs ]

And you can see the bone
on that one,

which means I think
I'm almost done,

so I really should --
I should focus on --

I know.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I like that Q is now
just walking around

just working on
getting the turkey down.

Can't you just put
a tarantula up my ass?

[ Laughter ]

-[ Sighs ]
-He's in turkey time out.

He's in turkey
time out!

Ohh. I can't eat
any more turkey.

-Ugh.
-[ Laughs ]

You're almost there, buddy.
Keep trucking.

Buddy, you're so cl--
I see bone!

-Yeah, there's bones.
-Dude, there's so much turkey.

The right one's done.
You just got to get through

that left one,
and you're all set.

[ Laughter ]

Eat your way out!
Eat your way to freedom, buddy!

You can do it!

♪

Ugh.
I can't do any more.

[ All cheer indistinctly ]

-You ate your way to victory.
-You did it, buddy.

Q: Oh, guys,
I'm really nauseous.

And that there
is a broken man.

Q: I need a nap. Ohh.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, welcome
to "Impractical Insider."

Q just got stuffed
in tonight's "fowl" punishment,

so we're gonna give you
a behind-the-scenes look

of how it happened, and bonus
footage from tonight's episode.

-Check it out. Ah!
-Oh, God!

So close.

Murr: The speed-dating event
is literally in the next room.

There's nothing separating us
except curtains,

so we had to build
this whole fake room here

so that people
in the speed-dating event

can't hear us laughing.

-We did a time lapse.
-Did you?

♪

So, this is what you saw
during the punishment,

but to be honest,
all of this is fake.

As you can see over here,
this is a full, fake wall

that was set up
just for this.

Where did the idea of this
turkey-hand thing come from?

Sal: All right. For a while,
we wanted to get Joe

to eat hot dogs,
and he --

And I think we were scared
that he might die

'cause of the sodium
and everything,

'cause Joe's already,
like, a big hot dog.

[ Laughing ]
So we changed it

to these two huge
turkey legs,

and we just transferred it
to Q,

'cause Q can't get any more
tired and lazy than he is.

[ Laughs ]

Oh [bleep] [Bleep]
[ Laughs ]

Q's pants are very nice,

and he came here today
on set with them,

so Joe's being
a really good friend --

Yeah, I'm giving him
my pants to wear,

because my pants
are not as nice as his,

and I'm also kind of
done with them.

If turkey juice gets on them,
I'm all right with it.

There's grease everywhere.

This is the friendship, okay?
You're gonna get punished,

but you're gonna get
my pants while it happens.

I would give him
the pants off my back.

People say to us
all the time,

"You guys are together
all the time.

How do you not k*ll
each other?" Because it's this.

-It's moments like this?
-Yeah.

Hey!
Q's our big loser.

Is it over
when I eat both of these?

When they're done. When you see
two bones, you're done.

Why did you let me eat
a full meal

before we did this --

Not one of you knowing
that this was gonna happen

watched me
chow down on pasta.

You look like Fred Flintstone.
[ Laughter ]

He's gonna be
walking around, "Wilma"!

Is that 'cause of my giant head
or 'cause of the turkey hands?

Together, it's uncanny.

I love it.
Now, that is a classic picture.

Q: Yeah.
Oh! Is this punishment
gonna backfire on us?

I hope.
I skipped lunch
and then dinner.

And they didn't
give you a plate?

I brought these
on my own.

[ Laughter ]

You are the man. I've got to get
a picture of you with those.

-We can take a -- Yeah.
-She loves him!

She wants a picture!

[ Laughs ]
Look, she's taking a picture!

-I love it, I love it.
-This is amazing.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, this is getting
weird and awkward.

You talked to Brian
for a little while.

What did you think?

Well, I thought he was creative
with the turkey legs.

-Yeah.
-I do think he's cute.

-You look very nice.
-I look nice?

-Yeah.
-Oh, thank you.

He couldn't write
your number down,

but if he could, would you have
given him your number?

-I already did.
-Whoa!

Oh, yeah.
Put it right in there.

He's got --

-All right.
-I think we just unlocked

the key to something.
[ Laughter ]

Ugh.

I'm gonna die.

I got her number, though.

[ Laughter ]

-Don't do that. Don't do it.
-[ Laughing ]

It's not funny
because it's so obvious.

I'm hugging you.
I'm just hugging you.

Everyone know
I'm scared of the edge.
But I'm hugging you.

You don't understand the feeling
of what that gives me.

Tense -- Tension runs
through my whole body.

You know, you joke around,
but all it takes is one slip up.

Don't do that.
Please stop being like that.

[ Laughing ]

I'm -- I'm gonna walk away,

and I'm not even
gonna be your teammate.

[ Laughter ]
Did you guys see that total?

Even a joke --
He put the Vulcan Spock --
He Spocks me.

-Even a joke.
-He gives me a death grip.