06x16 - Three Men and Your Baby

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe having a ball?

[ Laughter ]

What's got Murr
keeping the faith?

I'd like a third sh*t
at priesthood.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing Jokers
will go, "Goo-goo, ga-ga,"

in tonight's
triple punishment?

Oh!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Smile, b*tches.

Today we are
fashion photographers

working with models
on their photo sh**t.

While taking pictures,
you're gonna have to do

and say what the other guys
tell you.

If you refuse anything,
you lose.

I did a little
modeling in my day.

Before photos?

[ Laughter ]

♪

Joe: All right.
Adelante Studios. Here we go.

We're ready, Sal.
Where you at?

Sal:
Let's take some photos.

-[ Laughter ]
-Wow.

Is that what you think
a photographer looks like?

[ Laughs ]

Hey. How are you?
My name is Salvatore.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Music choice -- Do you want me
to play Psy, "Gangnam Style"?

Uh, well, I mean,
are you good with no music,

or should I play, like,
Psy's "Gangnam Style"?

-Okay.
-"I don't have any music."

Oh, I don't have
any music.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Here's what
I want you to do.

"Subtly, give me
the middle finger."

Just casually and subtly
give the middle finger.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

Okay.
Key word being "subtle."

Okay, I want to do it
a little more subtle,

almost like
you're sneaking it.

[ Laughter ]

That's it. Straight up.
I can go [bleep] myself.

That's it.

-Ohh!
-[ Laughs ]

Okay. Sal, on that cart
over there is a Nerf g*n.

I want you to just
fire sh*ts at her

and take pictures of her
dodging the Nerf g*n.

[ Laughter ]

♪

Q: She noticed it.

Okay.

Okay, watch out.

[ Laughter ]

Q: That looks like
it'll hurt if it hits her!

Slowly raise it up
right at her.

-Okay.
-Here it goes.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

Joe: Sal's laughing!
He's looking...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

All right.
That's good.

Q: Take two sh*ts,
look at the camera.

Oh, wow.
That's really good. Okay.

"Oh, yeah.
This dog's in heat."

[ Laughter ]

-And there it is!
-Don't you dare!

Who's next? My turn?

Let me take a third...

[ Buzzer ]

I saw Sal,
and I outdid him.

[ Laughter ]

Thanks for
the inspiration, Sal.

[ Laughter ]

That's great.

I need some, like,
crazy sh*ts for my website.

You need some crazy sh*ts?
Okay, yeah.

Yeah. If you want to jump,
we'll count it on three.

One, two, three. Great.

"Also just don't tell me
how to do my job."

[ Laughter ]

That's great. So we'll
do something like this.

-Oh, my God.
-That's really good, right?

So you don't have to
tell me how to do my job.

I'm able to...

[ Laughter ]

Okay? Yeah.

Okay, ready? Now I want you
to just move around

a little bit in the space.
Move around?

There you go. I'm -- I'm
the photographer. That's right.

I am a photographer,
and I know what I'm doing.

[ Laughter ]

Should we get some seated
on the floor maybe?

Let's do -- Yeah, if you
want to get on the floor.

Yeah.

Again, I'm the
photographer, though.

Lay on the ground
with her, too.

I'm gonna get down
to your level again.

Send in Chase,
and have Chase give him

a kiss on the cheek
and walk right out.

Don't say anything.

Q: He's one of
our producers.

I'm gonna try
one of these, too.

Murr: Here we go.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Joe: There you go.

[ Smooch ]
Thank you, babe.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so, now I'm gonna
have you do some seated,

if you don't mind.
Mm-hmm.

Since she's sitting,
you should be sitting, too.

Go back and get
the ball in the corner.

All right, Joe, sit on the ball
and never stop bouncing.

Joe: Okay.
You sons of b--

[ Laughter ]

-There you go.
-Bounce higher, bud.

Okay.
Change the expression.

[ Laughter ]

-Look at him!
-You look like a [bleep] idiot!

Joe:
Yeah! There it is!

[ Laughter ]

♪

[Bleep] the fedora.
[Bleep] these fake glasses.

[Bleep] this scarf.
There you go.

[ Ding! ]

I'm gonna do some
singles first, okay?

Different poses,
stuff like that, okay?

I want you to stomp your
foot every now and again
to get his attention.

[ Laughter ]

♪

"Actually, I have
an even newer camera."

I have another camera, too,
an even newer one.

We put another camera
on the side for you.

Grab that camera.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Murr: One sec.

I just picked this
one up at Best Buy.

Sal: Now go
under the blanket.

Now just start kind of
like shimmying and shaking.

Just be like --
[ Grumbling ]

[ Grumbling ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Grumbling ]

-Tonight...
-Tonight...

...you will be visited
by three ghosts.

...you will be visited
by three ghosts.

[ Laughter ]

Take the picture!

All right.

[ Laughter ]

Did the flash go off?

[ Laughter ]

Okay, that's it for right now.
Thank you for the help.

Before you go,
apologize to him that you
didn't get an erection.

It's not the norm.

-[ Groans ]
-Here it is. Here it is.

Ergh

Okay, that's it for right now.
Thank you for the help.

Before you go,
apologize to him that you
didn't get an erection.

It's not the norm.

-[ Groans ]
-Here it is. Here it is.

Ergh! God almighty.

I do want to apologize
f-for not

getting an erection
during the sh**t, so...

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, my...
-Very nice, buddy.

[ Ding! ]

Just spread that light.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

-Oh, that's beautiful.
-Joe's right there.

-Q, call in Joe.
-Joe, Joe?

"Just for a little inspiration,
can you just sit on --

on the floor right here,
beside me?"

Could you just sit on the floor
right here beside me?

-Yeah.
-Thank you.

Joe: Joe's our photographer
friend. He's our inside man.

All right. We're just
gonna get right into it.

-Okay.
-Take a photo of Joe instead.

♪

There you go. Look at that.
Isn't that great?

He -- He's my apprentice.

Joe: Why is his apprentice
sitting next to him?

-He looks like Buddha.
-All right.

"I legally have to tell you
I am a straight white male."

I have to tell you, legally,
I am a straight white male.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Give me strong.
Like "Yeah, I am woman."

-There we go.
-Whoa.

-g*ns out.
-Holy geez!

"k*ller clavicles, boss."

Oh, wow. Look at that.
k*ller clavicles, boss.

[ Laughter ]

All right. You can thank Joe
and have him leave.

Joe, thank you. I think we got
what we need out of you.

"But, Joe, I'll take
the French onion soup."

-But, Joe!
-Yes?

I will take
the French onion soup.

Photographer Joe:
Definitely.

Just one, Joe.

-Now Joe's improvising.
-He's improvising?

Yeah, I'll take a bis--
I'll take a biscuit!

Always take
the biscuit.

Let her talk and just
keep going, "Always
take the biscuit."

So, when did you move
to New York City?

I went to NYU.

Always take
that biscuit.

Murr:
Always take the biscuit!

Joe: He can't do it!
He can't --

-Turn quick and fire at her.
-Turn quick and fire.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, you were ready for me.
-She got it.

You were ready for me.
All right.

"It's probably one more
photo sh**t for me,

and night-night forever,"
and take a sh*t.

That's good. But it's --
Like, for me, it's different.

It's, like, one more
photo sh**t for me,

and then it's
night-night forever.

Oh [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Okay. All right.

"In high school, I was
on the yearbook committee."

In high school, I was
on the yearbook committee.

Oh, okay!

"It was a regular
[bleep] fest."

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, it was a, uh...

Just, it was high school.
It was, you know...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator:
Q and Sal lost their focus,

so they're striking a pose
on the loser board.

Today we are at
Focus Pointe Global

in their waiting room
filling out a questionnaire.

Except we're not gonna
be able to do it,

because our hand's gonna
be all jacked up.

So, we'll ask a stranger in
the room to help us fill it out,

but the answers have been
prepared by the other guys.

If you can't say the answer
that's been given to you

by the other guys,
you lose.

You lose.

♪

-There's our boy.
-Look at the arm sling.

-Oh, Murr's arm's jacked up.
-Oh.

♪

Joe: This guy
noticed his problem.

sh**t. I don't know
what to do here.

-Dude, you don't mind?
-Here we go!

-We're in.
-We're in, we're in.

What are your biggest
pet peeves?

"Diversity."

[ Laughter ]

Uh...

diversity.

[ Whistles ]

[ Laughter ]

What's my dream job?

"You know what? I'd like
a third sh*t at priesthood."

[ Laughter ]

You know what? I'd like
a third sh*t at priesthood.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. "List your hobbies
or activities."

Q: "I'm currently working
on a cookbook...

I'm currently working
on a cookbook...

...based around
the four major...

...based around
the four major...

...body fluids."

[ Laughter ]

...body fluids.

[ Laughter ]

You know, you know you've
got blood, urine, saliva.

-And there's a fourth one.
-Right.

Which we all -- It's okay.
Let's get that.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. And then --
Oh, great, great.

"If you can relive one memory,
what would it be?"

Good question.

"The time I successfully...

It's the time
I successfully...

...riffed off of a co-worker's
N-word joke at an office party."

...riffed on...
All right.

-Ah, the last question.
-You almost had it, buddy!

It all falls apart.

Just -- Just put
my st birthday.

-Wow!
-Nice work, buddy.

Damn it!

[ Buzzer ]

Joe: Hey. There we go.

Sal: Oh, what to do?

Are you s-- Really?
Are you sure?

I didn't want to --

-Aww!
-What a nice guy!

-"Puerto Rican Santa."
-Puerto Rican Santa.

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
"August th, .

Yeah.
August, th, .

A boy in a Sears
department store

made fun of the way I walked.
I want him eliminated."

A boy in a Sears
department store

made fun of the way
I walked.

I'd like him eliminated.

[ Laughter ]

Uh, yeah.

"I use dimethylmercury instead
of inorganic mercury salts

when calibrating my nuclear
magnetic resonance device,

like I'm some kind
of ass [bleep]."

[ Laughter ]

I probably use --
I use dimethylmercury

instead of inorganic
mercury salts...

"When calibrating my
nuclear magnetic resonance."

...when calibrating
my nuc-- my nuclear...

-"Magnetic."
-...magnetic...

"Resonance device."

...resonance device like
I'm some kind of ass [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Oh! "Biggest one I ever saw
was on my aunt's Great Dane."

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
The biggest pet peeve!

The biggest one I ever saw
was on my aunt's Great Dane.

Yeah, my aunt's Great Dane.
He had a huge pet peeve.

[ Laughter ]

-Well done, Sal!
-Champion, buddy.

-Well done. Got through it.
-Wow.

[ Ding! ]

♪

Sal: Oh, no, Q.

Oh, y--
Oh, thank you so much.

-Thank you.
-No problem.

All right.

Joe:
"My mom dropped me off."

My -- Actually,
my mom dropped me off.

"On a motorcycle."

Well --
Well, my mom's motorcycle.

Okay.

"Yesterday."

Yesterday.

Joe: So you've been
here for a day.

I've never heard an answer
fit Q more than that answer.

He just looks like
he got here yesterday.

"Just put
'a variety of eggs.'"

I mean, just put
"A variety of eggs."

I don't think they
need to know hen egg,

quail egg, gull eggs.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they're free if you know
where to find them.

Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

"I've been following
this Indian family

around Manhattan
for the past days."

[ Laughter ]

♪

"I've been following
this Indian family

around Manhattan
for the past days."

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Currently...

I've been following this,
uh, sweet Indian family

around Manhattan
the last days.

They just look so happy

that I-I feel like I'm part
of the family if I just...

Yeah. What's next?

[ Laughter ]

-That's all.
-That's it? I'm done?

To think that I've been trying
to fill it out for hours.

[ Ding! ]

-Oh, Joe's in.
-Wait. Here we go.

Hi.
Yeah, I'm all jacked up.

Would you mind
helping me out with this?

That's it!
He just gets right into it.

Um, okay...

"Oh, my wife always leaves
the toilet seat up."

My -- Yeah.

My wife always leaves
the toilet seat up.

It's a big pet peeve of mine
every time I go in.

My greatest strengths...

"Uh, I'm a
straight-up DILF."

Uh, okay.
I'm a straight-up DILF.

-DILF?
-Yeah.

DILF. You know.
"Dad I'd Like to..."

That's what the kids say,
you know?

Yeah.
Straight-up DILF. D-I-L-F.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: "A soul mate."

I would probably
say a soul mate.

"Someone who makes me smile
every morning and night."

Someone who makes me
smile morning and night.

"Epic gazungas."

[ Laughter ]

♪

And then definitely...

I would go with, uh...

epic gazungas.

[ Laughter ]

Do I have any bad habits?

How much space is there?
[ Laughs ]

"I do a little peeps
when I toot-toot."

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. Uh, hmm, well...

Yeah, I guess
I'll do a simple one.

I do a little peeps
when I toot-toot.

I do a little peeps
when I toot-toot.

Yeah. "Do a little peeps
when I toot-toot."

What is the hand motion?
I'm sorry?

I do a little -- yeah.
I do a little peeps peeps
when I do a toot-toot.

[ Laughter ]

That's great, man.
Thank you so much.

-No problem, bro.
-Peep peeps.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
Adding insult to injury,

Murr is joining Sal and Q
in a triple punishment.

[ Laughs ]

-Out with it. Let's go.
-What's going on?

Well, I have
three losers, right?

Do you guys remember
when you punished me

-as a parenting know-it-all?
-Yeah.

I'm gonna punish you three
as a parenting know-it-nothing.

We're here on set at
a home-shopping network,

where you guys are filming
your new series,

" Men and Your Baby."

Sal: Explain.

There are new parents downstairs
with their babies,

and you guys will be
demonstrating tips

and tricks to them about
how to be better parents.

-I'm not handling a kid.
-Oh, yeah, you are.

[ Laughs ]

I'm not cleaning a diaper,
that's for sure.

So if a kid takes a deuce,

the kid's got to stay
with the deuce.

I wonder if that's one
of the things you should know

how to do
if you're a parent.

Yeah. No, I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing it.

[ Babies crying ]

-Oh, I hear a lot of babies.
-I don't like kids.

Joe: I know, and that's why
it's a punishment.

[ Applause ]
Hi, everybody.

I've scripted out
the whole thing.

There's a teleprompter they got
to read. It's gonna be great.

Q: All right.
Thanks for joining us.

We're " Men and Your Baby."

Let's start with
something simple

that needs to be done
all the time --

changing a baby's diaper.

[ Joe laughs ]
Q, your line!

Q: And I'm about to show you
it's not that hard.

Who wants to lend a baby?
Yeah!

Aww! Hey, sweetheart.

[ Baby cries ]

Okay.

[ Joe laughs ]

[ Baby cries ]

Aww!
Hey, sweetheart.

[ Baby cries ]

Okay.

[ Joe laughs ]

What's its name?

-Leora.
-Leora.

"Its." "What's its name"?

Q: All right.
Oh, you got a diaper on.

Oh, she's got
a diaper on already.

[ Joe laughs ] They don't know
she has a diaper on already?

-Reverse-engineer it.
-I'm on it.

Yeah. Yeah?

All right.
Just get rid of that.

There you go.
There you go.

[ Joe laughs ]

Then what we do is --
Yeah, nice and dry.

Sal's got nowhere
to put the diaper!
Here we go.

Sal: You would dispose
of this normally.

The disgust in Sal's face

right now is a mixture
of many emotions.

You're gonna just want
to make sure that's snug.

Yeah, that is as snug
as it's gonna get.

Joe: Okay, we should mention
that it's on backwards.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my goodness.

You know, let's go with --
That's good enough.

Boom! That was easy!

[ Joe laughs ]

'Cause that's literally the
first diaper Q's ever changed.

Okay, so, let's go back
to the prompter.

Most babies won't be able
to blow their own nose

until the age of .

Murr: So it's your job to keep
your baby's nose clean.

Sal: I'm gonna need
to borrow a baby.

[ Baby cries ]
Aww!

If your baby
is really stuffed up,

I recommend this Swedish-made
nasal aspirator.

♪

And you put that in --
in the nose.

Joe: Babies can't blow
their nose, Murr.

-This is how it happens.
-How do they live?

[ Joe laughs ]

First, place one end
of the tube

against
the baby's nostril.

Now I'll insert the other end
of the tube into my mouth

-No.
-...and suck out the snot.

'Cause this --
this is what you do.

[ Joe laughs ]

♪

Yep. You see what happened
there? Okay, got it.

[ Inhales sharply ]

Yep. Okay.

[ Joe laughs ]

All right.
Come on, sweetheart.

Okay, so, let's go back
to the prompter.

Sal: Brian and I are gonna
show you moms how to wear

the top two baby carriers
on the market today.

[ Baby cries ]

Sal: It's gonna work
like a backpack,

but the baby goes
in the front.

Just kind of, like,
slip it on like that.

You do, like, a little
connecting thing here.

Now, James,
bring on those babies.

Okay. This is baby Logan.
Oh, okay. Ready?

Now let's put you
in here, Logan.

[ Baby crying ]

Q: The baby
should probably face me.

[ Joe laughs ]

-Okay. Okay.
-Aww! We'll give you back.

It's all right.

There you go.
There's baby Logan.

[ Joe laughs ]

Q: When it comes to strollers,
there are two main types --

high-end and umbrella.

But don't worry.
They both collapse easily.

Murr:
Okay. So, I have to...

figure out...

Joe:
You just put the brake on.

Q: We fold
so many of these,

it's hard to keep straight
which model we're dealing with.

We fold them all day.

Oh, you mother [bleep]

-Nope. No.
-Son of a...

[ Laughter ]

Okay.
Let's hold right there.

♪

-Yeah, he's -- he --
-That's the new model.

Q: He's familiar
with all the --

He's -- We should say
the director here, Joe,

is also a dad,
so he's a little more familiar

with the products
than we are.

There it is.
All right.

-Oh, it's the new model.
-It's the new model.

It's the new model.
Thanks.

We're " Men and Your Baby,"
and remember...

Boom! That was easy!

Tune in next time

when we'll teach
your babies how to swim.

[ Joe laughs ]

-Well done, boys.
-All right. Thanks.

Yeah!

Well, that was easy.

♪

Sal, Q, and Murr just got
spanked in tonight's punishment,

and now we're gonna give you
a behind-the-scenes look

of how it went down,
plus bonus features
from tonight's episode.

Is that cool, Owen?
Ready?

Owen, Q's gonna
want his hat back.

Joe Gatto right there.
He's the man in charge.

We got three losers,

and Joe is, solo,
planning this punishment.

McPartland: I would not want
to have the first time

I had to collapse a stroller
be in front of an audience

-because it's impossible.
-Yeah.

And, I mean, the little --
Putting a onesie together.

The -- Like, the carriers
are impossible.

I still cannot do that by myself
without my wife.

When they punished me about
being a parent, I was like,

"Okay, now I have to punish them
for not being parents."

-Oh, that is brilliant.
-Yeah.

In the same season, just so you
could fire back like that.

Yeah, yeah. Because
it was fresh on my mind.

-Yeah.
-That was a rough one.

-What's your secret?
-For?

Texting and watching
a child at the same time.

-I have no idea.
-No idea. Yeah.

-[ Laughs ]
-No!

This whole punishment
is a little bit of, like,
a shout-out to parents.

Yes, it is.
We know it ain't easy.

We know it ain't easy.
The struggle's real.

And we might as well
have some fun with it.

Slightly less worried
than normal,

-'cause I'm absorbing it.
-Right.

I'm absorbing the punishment
alongside Murray and Q.

Well, do -- do you
remember the last time

that Joe picked the three
of your punishments?
Yeah, I do.

You [bleep] put
Will Smith's son [bleep]!

Why would you
do that to me?!

I'm your [bleep]
best friend, you dope!

Man: Three, two, one.

-" Men and Your Baby"!
-Whose baby?

-Who's "Your"?
-The people there.

I know there's a subset
of people out there

that I'm gonna come off
as unlikable to,

but I hate kids.

I don't want to be
anywhere near them.

I know. That's why
it's a punishment.

Yeah, but you understand
the issue here, though.

Like, I'm not gonna
hold them softly.

I'll do most stuff
outside of diapers.

-Oh, I can't say no, right?
-Yeah.

Yeah, but you can't
make a kid [bleep]

[ Laughs ]
Oh, can't I?

Is there a kid down there
who [bleep] at like : a.m.

and you've just
been holding them?

We're gonna show you
the perfect way

to install a car seat
to ensure your child

is safe and sound
on the road.

Joe: Do you guys know
how to do that? [ Laughs ]

Yeah, so, the car seat
is over here.

This is a popular model.

I have a little
experience with this.

-You do?
-Yes.

Of course you do.
We have a company.

-Yeah.
-[ Laughs ]

So, this -- Oh, I see.
That does that.

No, this is gonna go
through the crotch area.

-Up. Down. Go down.
-Yeah, this is for that.

Joe: This is the most confused
I've seen the three of you
in my whole life.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. This goes there.
Then this is if the baby

wants to play with a...rope.

[ Joe laughs ]

Did we do that right?

So much fumbling
through the things

as it was
handling the kids.

Hoo! As soon as you
pick up the kid,

you start, like,
sweating b*ll*ts.

-There, Owen. Right there.
-Yes. Yeah. There you go.

Sal: And you're gonna want to
put their arms through there.

Look at this poor kid!
[ Laughs ]

He's probably better off
doing it by himself.

Boom! That was easy!

Murr: Q, pick up the cat toy
on the cart.

Here we have --
Uh, here.

Joe: Q, she thinks
she's gonna use it.

Use it on yourself
while you're taking photos.

All right, okay.
All right.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Keep snapping.

[ Laughter ]

-Say, "Sit down."
-All right. Sit down!

[ Laughter ]

-Man, she's so good!
-She doesn't miss a b*at!

She was like ba-boom,
and it's like a good pose.

Say, "Some of those
probably came out.
I blacked out for a minute."

Some of those probably came out.
I blacked out for a minute.

[ Laughter ]