06x18 - Rubbed the Wrong Way

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

why is Joe doing
some heavy lifting?

[ Grunts ]
Sal: Oh, my God!

Narrator:
What's got Murr wigging out?

I know --
dude, I'm embarrassed.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator:
And which punished Joker

will wish the genie was never
let out of the bottle?

[ Audience "ohhs", laughs ]

♪

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr:
I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're at the mall
asking people to sign up

for a chance to win
a $ gift card.

The catch is
they'll have to give us

their cellphone number
to be eligible,

and once we have their number,
that's when the fun begins.

Because the other guys
will be sending the contestant

weird texts on our behalf.

The guy that gets
the fewest responses

back from that person
loses.

♪

Murr: What do I look like?

[ Laughs ]
I look so stupid.

He forgot he was gonna be
wearing this hair.

Joe: In case you've been
living under a rock,

this is why Murray's hair
looks like this.

♪

Sal: Murr, he will be wearing
Q's hair as a wig.

Sal: Oh, my God!
[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.
I feel like such an ass[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

Guys, they're giving
away a $ gift card
every minutes

if you're
in the food court.

Do you guys
want to sign up for it?

It's super easy.

We're in, we're in!

Ow, that hurt actually,
kind of.

It did, it did, actually,
believe it or not.

You got to --
you got to work out.

Thanks, enjoy.
You got it.

Here's the text, buddy.

Murr can see everything
we're texting.

And he wrote back
"Thank you."

All right, Murr --
you're already at one.

There you go.
I got a response.

[ Cellphone clicking ]

What am "I" texting them?

Sal: You guys lift?
You got muscles AF.

[ Laughs ]
I can't even look.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: He's laughing.

Yeah, you're good.

Sal: He's writing back!
He's writing back!

LMAO.

[ Laughter ]

You got a double.
He got a double off of one!

Yeah, he got a two-for-one
on that one, buddy.

So you're up to three already,
Murr.

[ Laughs ]
This is so embarrassing.

All right, Murr --
I just sent one.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, my gosh.

-He sent it. He's got it.
-All right, here we go.

Murr:
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

He wrote back, "Um sure."

He keeps answering.

Sent.

I can't even look.

Is he looking at his phone?

[ Laughter ]

This guy's the best.
I love this guy.

He's writing back,
though!

"Oo word"?

[ Laughs ]

Sal: This is --

Now what are you writing?

What are you writing?

"Just get my pretzel,
fool."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]
Sal:
Did you see that look?

"Fool" is rough.

-Maybe he's reached --
-Ohh, man.

His whole demeanor changed.
Oh, my God.

Are you serious?

Joe: He's leaving.
He's had enough.

So, the "fool"
was too much.

Come on!

-That's it.
-All right, Murr.

Sal: You look like --
you're beet red, dude.

I know --
dude, I'm embarrassed.

[ Dings ]
Joe: Five replies.

Hey, so, we're doing
a contest today.

We're giving away
a $ gift card.

You interested?

All you got to do is write
your name, phone number,

and they'll text you
if you won.
He's ready to go.

Here you go.
Q: Thank you very much.

Text has been sent.

We wrote,
"Hi Vlad, it's Brian.

Good luck on the contest."

So, I'm gonna send this text
to this guy now.

[ Laughs ]

Sal: [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

He made a "what the f--,"

"what the hell is this guy
talking about."

♪

[ Laughter ]

Q: That's one.

Murr: This -- this...
Sal: Three in a row!

Joe:
This guy is a texter.

Every thought
is a separate text.

He's like my mother.
Yeah.

Send it. Send it,
send it, send it.

Horse emoji?

Joe:
"Deliver that yum yums."

[ Laughter ]

"Enough talk, bucko.

Give me dem leftovers."

Sal: [ Laughs ]

He has a face of disgust!

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

Here it is, here it is,
here it is, here it is,

here it is, here it is,
here it is.

Oh, cool, are you done?

I-I'll take it.

No, you don't
have to buy me something.

Just, if you're done, I'll just
hoover that right down.

[ Laughter ]

I'll take it.
I'm not proud.
You sure?

Yeah, thank you.

Sweet.

What a nice guy.

Joe: Six texts.
And a free salad.

[ Dings ]
Wow.

They are giving away
a $ gift card

every minutes.

Joe: Here we go, Sal.

Murr:
First text sent.

He just got it.

Here you go.
He's writing back.

Q: Okay.
What was that?

"Okay" emoji.
Okay.

Okay, got it?

[ Laughs ]

You ready, dudes?

Yeah, here we go.
Here we go.

That's the whole text?

Oh, come on.

"I imagine you have
all your teeth?"

[ Laughter ]

He's laughing!

Joe:
"Yeah, all of them."
Q: He goes,
"Yeah, all of them."

All right, sent.

Joe: He got it,
he got it, he got it!

Q: Here we go.
Here we go. He's looking.

Sal: "Teef" with an "F"?

Q: He's looking.
[ Laughter ]

Joe: Don't look.
Don't look.

[ Laughter ]

Joe's writing.
Joe's writing.

[ Laughter ]

"Look at me right now,
please,

and don't stop looking
no matter what."

He's reading the text.

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Murr: He's still looking.

Sal, one more time.
One more time.

He will not stop looking.

Tell him to stop looking,
man.

All right,
I'm sending one to him.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Look at this.
Look at this.

[ Laughter ]

We're like pen pals now.

Huh, Sal's, like,
making a new friend?

Well,
we're making a new friend.

You guys have
a pleasant conversation with him

all day long.
Sal:
No, no, no, no, no.

All right, I just wrote,
"I lactate" and hit send, so...

[ Laughter ]

♪

Okay, turn around, Sal.
Turn around, turn around.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God.

[ Dings ]
[ Laughter ]

Hi, hon.

Murr: Oh, here we go!

Joe: Did you sign up yet?

We're running a contest --
gives a $ gift card out.

Yeah, all you got to do is give
your name and number,

and they pick a winner
every minutes.

Uh, sure.
Yeah, great. Thanks.

Murr: He's got her.

Great, thank you so much.

I'll send you a test text
so you get it.

Enjoy your lunch.

We got it.
And send.

Here you go.

Let's see
if she writes back.

♪

Q: Oh!

She just didn't write back.
So, that's okay.

Joe, we're hitting send.

[ Laughter ]

Ooh.

♪

Sal:
He sent her a hot link

on how to date
someone with herpes.

[ Laughter ]

Never...

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Do you see
the look she gave him?

[ Laughing ]
She put it right back!

Joe, I just sent her
a follow-up.

"Oops I'm sorry!

I meant that
for my mom's bf."

[ Laughter ]

And she just ignores it.

That's so odd,

because I sent her a link
to how to date with herpes

and told her
my mother's boyfriend had it.

I thought we'd be chitchatting
by now.

We just sent
her another text saying,

"Losing my hair.
Don't care."

Sal: [ Laughs ]

♪

[ Laughter ]

Q: No response.

She didn't go with it.

[ Laughter ]

Sal:
"Pay me some respect."

[ Laughter ]

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Zero.
Zero, Joe.

Zero.
Zero.

Murr: Oh, whoa,
she's getting up.

She's getting up.

What's she doing?

-Oh, oh, oh!
-Oh, my God.

Sal: She's coming over!

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughs ]

-Oh.
-"Pay me some respect."

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, whoa.
-She's getting up.

Sal: She's getting up!

What's she doing?

-Oh, oh, oh!
-Oh, my God.

Sal: She's coming over.

Joe: Yeah, about
the herpes hot link

about my mother
and then the apology?
Yeah.

Yeah, and then it was about
my mom's boyfriend

and I'm losing all my hair
and I don't care.

Yeah, you didn't write back
once, though.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, okay.

[ Laughter ]

That's all right.
Absolutely.
Sorry.

No worries.
You have a great day.

Thanks.
Yeah.

You didn't win.

[ Buzzer ]
Sal: Zilch-oh-mundo!

Narrator: Joe got ghosted,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up

and going head-to-head
at Food Bazaar

playing a game we call
"Over the Shoulder."

One guy will have to steal items
from a shopper's cart

and throw them over his shoulder
to his teammate,

who has to catch them.

For every item
that your teammate catches,

you get a point.

But if you get caught,
or he drops it, game over.

Whichever team
has the most points
at the end wins.

♪

Joe: All right,
here we go, boys.

Okay, it's Sal and Q.

Oh, wait, no,
it's Sal and Murr.

[ Laughter ]
Sal: What?

I can-- guys, I literally
cannot take him seriously.

[ Laughter ]

Sal can't keep
his [bleep] together.

he can't even look at you.

All right, here we go.

Okay, ready, Sal?
He didn't notice.

I'm gonna --

♪

Joe: Ohh!

Easy, easy. Be careful.

Oh, my God!

[ Laughter ]

Now how do I hold this?

This is hard to hold.
I don't know!

Joe: Yeah, that's not
a good item to start.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go, Sal.

♪

Q: Oh!

♪

Murr!
Murr! Don't throw that!

I can't hold that!

Joe: [ Laughs ]
No, no, look at me.

You can't throw that
right now.

I don't want his --

I -- I default.

You have to wait,
you stu--

[ Laughter ]

Yes!

What --
He got a bounce!

Q:
It was a good rim sh*t, man!

He came at you with heat,
that squash.

Great catch!

Aw, dude, it knocked
the wind out of me.

This thing's, like,
eight pounds.

Q: He picked
a prize-winning kumquat.

Sal, Sal! Sal! Sal.

Sal:
You got to be careful.

Joe: Sal, nice!

That's three.
That's three.

Psst.

♪

Oh, he got something!

Sal: Is that a tin can?

I can't hold
that little thing.

I need stuff
with a little bit of mass.

Murr, it sounds to me like
Sal doesn't trust you...
Yes.

...to pick out
something to throw.

Don't listen to them, buddy.

Here we go.
Murray's trying to sneak in.

I don't really see him.

Joe: Murr looks so anxious
shopping for meats.

[ Laughs ]

♪

Here we go, here we go!

Q: Wide-open lane.
They are officially
Murray's bananas.

This woman had bananas.

Now she is
without bananas.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Yes!
He dropped it!

You dropped --
[ Laughs ]

No good.
That's it, baby.

No good!

Three. Three.
Three.

It's not gonna be
hard to b*at.

The problem wasn't even
that errant throw.

It's the [bleep] kumquat
that you threw.

[ Ding ]
[ Laughter ]

This is a cakewalk
for us.

We like each other,
we know how to work together...

It's great.
...we work together well.

I-I like you.

My affection for Q

is where the lines
are being drawn.
It's rubbing off, yeah.

I think that's what it is,
Sal.

I think
that's what it is.
All right.

[ Laughter ]

I have
your scarf and hat on.

Rooty-toot-toot.
Let's do it!

[ Laughter ]

All right, let's do it.

The game's on!

That's us?
Can I --

You can throw it at me.

Sal:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Now back down to you.
I got you.

Joe: Ohh!

-Oh!
-Ah!

All right, so that's one --
a bag of lettuce.

Keep tossing salads
down there, you two.

Murr: [ Laughs ]

Here we go --
Joey's eyeing it up.

♪

Carrots!

Murr:
She has no idea her carrots
are now in Joe's hands.

Nice. What a slick move.

Murr: Oh, oh!

Q: All right,
we'll just let mom pass...

♪

All right.

Sal:
She's watching right now.

Got it.

Murr: Ohh!

-So, we're on two.
-Two, baby.

The carrots were like
Keyser Soze --

she had no idea
what's going on.

♪

Murr: Oh.

He's got your number, Joey.

Unattended cart, Joe.

Oh, there's a lemon.

There's a lemon.
Oh, a lemon?

Let's grab that lemon.

♪

Murr:
He's got the lemon.

Okay, lemon, ready?
Lemon, lemon.

Got it.

♪

Sal: [ Laughs ]
Now we're tied up.

You guys want one
with authority?

There's a watermelon
in this guy's cart.

Okay, let's see
what you got, tough guys.

Don't...

Make that number
a watermelon.

I'll respect you
so much more.
Joe, get it.

Go for the watermelon!

Joe: Switch.

Q:
Are you gonna be able to launch
a -pound watermelon?

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God.

Murr: If Q catches this,
they win.

Oh, ho, ho.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

For the win.
Oh, my God!

♪

Murr: Oh, my God.

If Q catches this,
they win!

Sal: Oh, my God, he's gonna
throw the watermelon.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

For the win.
Oh, my God!

♪

[ Laughter ]

We win! We win!

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Oh, he's looking.

He's completely baffled.

He's going to get
another watermelon.
Oh, wait. We didn't win.

We won.
We tied.

[ Sighs ]
But we didn't lose.

We didn't lose.
It's a tie.

♪

[ Laughter ]
[ Dings ]

Narrator:
Nobody caught a loss,

but Joe's still
tonight's big loser.

Sal:
Well, our wish came true.

Joe lost,
so for your punishment,

we are at Curtain Call's
Kweskin Theater.

Today, you're joining
a live stage production,

and you'll be playing
a genie.

Do I have lines?

You only have one line.
Yeah?

"Genie does as you wish."
Okay.

We'll take care
of the blocking.

Okay.
And the flying.

I don't like that look.
You're gonna fly.

I don't like that look.
Look at this look.

Look at this look.
There's something
going on.

Oh, there's something
going on.
Oh [Bleep]

You're about to get
[Bleep] up.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Oh, boy, here we go.

Murr: There's
a lot of people here.

[ Laughter ]
Sal: Oh, my God.

Look at his stomach!
I thought you lost weight!

Welcome, friends!

All right, here we go.

Okay, so,
an audience is here

to see a play
called "Arabian Nights."

It's our show.

Joe is our genie,

and we literally
control his movements.

Let the show begin.

All right.

Show time.

So, this is our friend
Chris O'Neill.

He's a Broadway star from
"The Book of Mormon."

♪

[ Sighs ] Life is tough.

If only I were a prince.

What's this junk?

[ Hisses ]

♪

Q: Oh, here comes Joey.

[ Laughter ]

Are you a genie?

Yes.

[ Laughter ]

Can I wish
for anything I want?

"Genie does as you wish."

Genie does as you wish.

Can you fly?

Genie does as you wish.

♪

[ Laughter ]

Turkey jerky.

[ Laughter ]

He's stuck
in the spotlight.

He's stuck
in his own spotlight.

Can I wish
to marry the princess?

Genie does as you wish.

[ Crash! ]
[ Audience "ohhs" ]

[ Laughter ]

♪

[ Laughter continues ]

Can I wish for
unmatchable power?

Genie does as you wish.

[ Crash! ]
[ Audience gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

Sal: He looks so stupid.

More than anything,

I-I'd love
to marry the princess,

but she has to marry
a prince

and a prince
needs a palace.

Genie?

I wish for a palace.

Genie does as you wish.

♪

[ Crash! ]
[ Laughter ]

Sal: Look at the audience.

[ Laughter ]

Q: He has destroyed
the whole set.

[ Laughter ]

I got caught
right in the throat

with the [Bleep] rug.

You're not done yet.
That's just Act .

Oh, [bleep].

Geez, Joe.

[ Applause ]

This is the finest palace
I've ever seen.

Genie,
I wish for the princess

to be here by my side
right now.

Genie does as you wish.

♪

It's the most magnificent palace
I've ever seen!

He's just --
he's just swaying.

Do you live in this big palace
all by yourself?
I do.

Do you have a lot of people
that live with you?
Just the servants.

[ Laughter ]

Please,
I can't wait any longer.

[ Laughter ]

Grace me with your hand
in marriage.

Of course I will!

Genie, I wish to be married
in this palace

once and for all!

Genie does as you wi--

[ Audience gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

Chris: Grace me with your hand
in marriage.

Of course I will!

Genie, I wish to be married
in this palace

once and for all!

Genie does as you wi--

[ Audience gasps ]

Woman: Oh! Oh, my God.

Q: His pants!

[ Laughter ]
Murr: He's upside down!

His pa--
He's upside down.

Sal:
They are dumbfounded.

He's holding his pants up.

The string popped off
that was holding it.
We almost lost Joe.

Joey,
it's not over yet, buddy.

Let's just finish this.

It's all down to this --
Act , the big conclusion.

♪

Genie, thank you so much

for making all my dreams
come true.

My pleasure.
Congratulations on everything.

That's not your line.

Everybody is gathered.

Let the ceremony begin.

[ Crash ]
[ Audience gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

When I was a young boy,

I never imagined meeting
someone as beautiful as you.

[ Laughter ]

Now all these years later,
here I am,

exchanging vows.

[ Crash! ]

Joe: All right.

I never thought
I'd fall in love...

[ Laughter ]

Sorry, sorry about that.

Joe just punch the wall.

...that led me to you.

[ Audience gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

I think we're gonna have
a very nice,

beautiful,
amazing life together.

Joe:
Congratulations.

[ Laughter ]

[Bleep]
[ Glass shatters ]

[ Audience gasps,
laughter ]

[ Audience murmuring ]
[ Laughter ]

Man:
Huzzah! They are married!

[ Applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Well done.

Well done.

Very good.

♪

♪

Whoa, okay, welcome
to "Impractical Insider."

Joe just destroyed it
in tonight's punishment,

and now you get
a behind-the-scenes look

of how it went down and...

Whoa!

...Uh, bonus features like that
from tonight's episode.

♪

What is this, Chase?

This is the most fragile
set piece we have.

This is all, um,
breakaway glass.
Ah!

So this is all
made of sugar.
Ah!

So this is candy glass.
Da-da --

I'm not gonna touch,
I'm not gonna touch.
Don't!

And Will Thaxton
made this?
Yes.

Okay, so you've got foam,
you got candy glass.

Will: Foam furniture
and then some, like, brass items

and stuff like that,
to make noise.

[ Crash! ]
[ Audience gasps ]

Yeah, the noise is important.
That's thoughtful.

And some flowers, too.
Some flowers?

Yeah, make it look pretty,
you know?
Yeah, yeah.

All right,
let's do a run-through.

♪

You have one line only.
Joe: Okay?

All you got to say is,
"Genie does as you wish."

Get ready to fly, baby.

[Bleep]

I'll take
the fried calamari!

Casey: Ladies and gentlemen,
in the process of the genie.

So, you just found out
what you got to do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a genie in a bottle.

You got to rub me
the right way.

I like to give the curves.

Oh, it's gone?
Go get it.

Whoa!
That is a huge difference!

Does that with force.

Ready?
Come on, you want some of that?

There's our big purp.

I mean, honestly,
I'm telling you, man,

this looks good on you.

It really does.

It looks cool.

Casey:
You're putting together, like,
a pretty good show tonight.

There's, like,
lighting rigs...

It's
a full-on production.

Full-on production.

Q: We've got to destroy
three full sets.

We want Joe to be
a human wrecking ball.
That's what it is.

Genie does as you wish.

♪

[ Crash! ]

[ Laughter ]

This is
the guy responsible

for Joe
knocking into everything.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.
So you're --

It's a first
for my career.

They went over, like,
what you have to do.

Like,
they had to block it out

like you would
any other show.

Yeah, for sure.

But for chaos.
Yes.

Joe:
Genie does as you wish.

[ Crash! ]

♪

I got caught
right in the throat

with the [bleep] rug.

What are you
most nervous about?

That it's weird
that I'm nervous

that something goes wrong

in a play where everything's
supposed to go wrong.

Right.

I'm all tangled.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

It's tangled.

It's -- hold on.

It has to go wrong specifically,
though, right?

Yeah, I'm worried
that it will go right.

[ Laughs ]

So, real quick, Joe --

most of the time, people say,
like, "Break a leg," but

I do not
want to say that.
Yes.

It's not
the right thing to say.

Good luck.
Yeah.

Good luck, or, uh,
you know, "Break a belly."

"Break a belly."
That's -- you can handle that.

Joe: Congratulations.

[ Glass shatters ]
[ Audience gasps ]

So, it's pretty crazy
right now.

They're breaking down
the set.
Chris: Yep.

But how is that for you?
That was great.

It was very hard trying
to focus on the scene...
Yeah.

when you see
Joe flying behind you

dressed in purple
and smacking into walls.

[ Glass shatters ]

Joe:
All right, here we go.
Okay, ready, Sal?

Q: He didn't know it's --
I'm gonna --

Joe: Oh!

It's over the shoulder.
And remember --
Murr, Murr!

It's over the shoulder,
Murr.

Oh, it's --
oh, oh, I'm sorry.

You can't coast on good hair
your whole life, buddy.

The name of the game
is "Over the Shoulder."

I mean,
how do you play it?

You grab something
out of someone's cart...

Whou throw it?
...throw it
over your shoulder.

Okay, got it.
That's it.

Very difficult.
[ Laughs ]