09x01 - You Dirty Dog

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
what's got joe all amped up...

[ electricity zapping ]
[ laughter ]

...Why is sal being
put through the ringer...

[ bell dinging ]

-Yes, hon?
-Move faster.

[ laughter ]

Narrator:
...And which losing joker

Will bark up the wrong tree
in tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Mommy, there's way
too many meats.

Today, we're at
sound on sound studios,

Playing audio producers
for a recording session.

However, everything
we "say" behind the glass

Will actually be said
by the other guys.

And we'll just have to sit there
and take ownership

Of all the crazy things
that they speak into that mic.

If it gets too tough for you,
you cut the mic anytime.

But if you do that,
you lose.

And then you live here.

Sal looks like an audio
engineer guy. Look at him.

Here we go, guys.
Hello, sir. How are you?

Man: Hey, what's up?

Can you k*ll your voice in here
and just put them in headphones?

-Nope.
-Alright.

[ laughter ]

-Just reading one at a time?
-Yes, sir.

Okay.
Hey there, new york.

Recycling is an easy
and everyday way

To protect the environment.

[ fart ]

Murr: He didn't hear it.
Don't worry.

But just so you know,
that's what's about to come

Through the microphone.
We turned it off.

[ laughter ]

Plus, it's the law.

[ fart ]

Excuse -- excuse.

[ laughter ]

These mics pick up everything.
I'm sorry about that.

-It's a real hotbox in here.
-Yeah, I hear you.

[ laughter ]

Cutting down trees and mining
for materials

Requires tons of energy.

Okay, wayne,
can you go super flamboyant?

Okay.
[ laughter ]

The department of sanitation
provides an in-depth list

Of recyclable materials
on their website.

[ laughter ]

You want the last line?
-Yes, sir.

Super flamboyant
or just regular?

-Regular's fine.
-Okay.

[ laughing ] I thought
you were going to say super.

-Together, let's clean --
-super.

Okay.

Together, let's clean up
the streets of new york

Because
we're all walking here.

[ laughter ]

What can you compost?

Fruits, veggie scraps,
tea bags.

[ giggles ]
tea bag?

[ giggles ]

[ sighs ] go again.

What can you compost?

Fruits, veggie scraps,
tea bags.

[ laughs ]

Oh, god. Tea bags.

I'm sorry. Go again.

What can you compost?
Fruits, veggie scraps, tea bags.

[ laughs ]

I'm never gonna not laugh.
-No problem.

'cause it's balls.

[ laughter ]

Wait.
Just quick question.

Is the sound
of my ankle bracelet beeping

Coming through there
or not?

I don't hear it.

You definitely heard
the farts, though?

A little bit.

[ laughter ]

I'm begging for mercy.

[ ding! ]

[ laughter ]

Joe: Brian quinn, the cowboy,
has showed up.

Q forgot a hat today,
he had bad hair,

And he asked our art department
what they had,

And this is what they had.
-I mean, I could go just mess.

-No, no, no, no, no. Keep it on.
-No, no, no, no, no.

This is perfect for your
character, buddy.

[ laughs ]

-Here we go.
-Hi.

I say, I say,
I say hello there.

I say hello there.
I say hello.

[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Am I going just
straight down from the top?

L-l-let's do number two.

Let's do take number two
when you're ready, then.

Take two, number two
when you're ready, then.

[ laughter ]

If I may, could you please
join me over here?

[ laughter ]

Go ahead.
You talk now, q.

[ laughter ]

[ laughs ]

You -- you -- you --
are you ready for --

Are you ready for some tags
and them there pickup lines?

Let's roll.

[ laughter and applause ]

I want to hear you try.

[ laughing ]
I'll try. I'll try.

[ laughter ]

I say, I say...

You [bleep] idiot.

Excuse me. Excuse me, there.
Excuse me.

Take two for you.
Take two.

Recycle hoy
to save mañana.

Now, now, now,
let me hear you do that line

This time as frankenstein.

[ snickers ]
[ laughs ]

You --
I'm trying.

Recycle... Hoy...
To save... Mañana.

[ laughter ]

I'm just going to check
with the client one second.

No, no, no.
Just 'cause she can't hear,

I just need a break.

[ laughter ]

Always remember
to reduce --

Oh! Oh [bleep] sh*t!
My toe!

Keep going. Keep going.

God damn!
I stubbed my [bleep] toe.

Keep reading the copy.
[bleep] sorry.

Excuse me, excuse me.
God bless.

Always remember to reduce,
reuse, and recycle.

[ laughter ]

How did I stub my toe
while I'm sitting down?

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, murr.
Here we go.

My ma looks like
a disc jockey.

This request goes out
to robert from poughkeepsie.

[ laughter ]

Here we go.
Hi. How are you?

Hi. How are you?
I'm shannon.

Shannon, james.
Pleasure to meet you.

Thanks for your help today.
-Yeah, nice to meet you, james.

And don't worry.
It's okay your late.

-Ooh! I like it already.
-Wow.

Murr, put your lips
up there.

We'll probably end up taking
it a bunch of different ways.

Perfect.

Also, murr, that acting is
terrible. Just stay stagnant.

You're like
a [bleep] marionette.

Okay, I'm ready
whenever you are.

-I was born ready.
-Okay. [ chuckles ]

Hey there, new york.

Sorry. Not ready.
Hold on.

-Oh, okay.
-[ laughs ]

Come on.

I think we're just going to
take the second line by itself.

Okay, sounds good.

Hold the paper a little lower,
too, please.

You're putting it right
by the microphone,

And that's the thing
that captures sound.

[ laughter ]

My god.

Always remember to reduce,
reuse, and recycle.

Q: One note. One note.

Get angry,
mother [bleep]

Little more intense?

-Angry!
-Angry?

Some mother [bleep] out there
ain't recycling,

And it pisses you off.

Shut the [bleep] up
and recycle.

Sal: Excellent. I mean,
kick my taint, that was good.

Okay.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

Murr: Alright, buddy,
here we go.

Hey, hello there. I say, I say
I also have this voice.

What's up, man?

[ laughter ]

Come on.

Shay, could you do me a favor
and deliver this to joe, please?

Here it is, joe.
-There it is, joey.

[ chuckles ]

Alright, and I'm ready
to go, here.

Ha! Got the cowboy hat.
Let's get it.

Sal:
You sure you can do this?

I'm going to try.

Alrighty,
start when you want.

Recycling saves
the planet.

I say, I say, I say,
I say daddy liked!

[ laughter ]

Say that one more time.

I said daddy like.

-How are you so bad at this?
-'cause it's in my head now.

Get a gravel.

[ all speaking indistinctly ]

Whenever you guys are ready
to jump back in,

We could get this going.

[ laughter and applause ]

I'm sorry, joe.

-Sorry about that.
-It's all good.

Got kicked in the head
by a mule about years old,

And it stays with me.
-That explains a lot.

[ laughter ]

-Do it again.
-Okay.

Mother nature recycles,
and her children should, too.

Joe, you're going to start
getting electrocuted

By that board
in front of you.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Joe, you're going to start
getting electrocuted

By that board
in front of you.

[ laughter ]
let's recycle,

Because what you've got
is not waste.

[ electricity zapping ]

[ laughter ]

I'm sorry.
I electrocuted myself.

-Don't laugh, you [bleep]
-I'm sorry. I'm trying.

When you're ready.

[ electricity zapping ]

Help new york city
clean up its act.

[ electricity zapping ]

My biscuits are burning.

[ laughter ]

Excuse me, excuse me.
Must be a live wire out here.

[ electricity zapping ]

Oh, shiver me timbers!

[ electricity zapping ]

Heavens to murgatroyd.

[ laughter ]

Alright, that's enough
of this stupid -- alright.

[ laughter ]

That's what got him?

[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]

Narrator: Due to
an electrical issue,

Joe is first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're out shopping
with our wives

At morton williams
on the west end.

Not real wives, just wives
that'll be playing them on tv.

While shopping with these paid
pretend wives,

We've got to do
and say what we're told.

If you refuse to do
or say anything,

You lose and get divorced
to your fake wife.

Murr: Sal, your wife,
once again, is kim,

One of our
comedy producers,

It's nice that you guys
stayed together

After all this time.

Back at it,
husband and wife.
Q: Alright, bud,

When somebody walks by you guys,
I want you to stop them,

But, like, excited, like,
"hey!"

-Hey!
-Isn't that, uh...

Q: Honey,
isn't this the woman

That called you a goblin
in spin class?

Is this the woman that called
you a goblin in spin class?

Oh, yeah.
[ laughter ]

Yeah, was that you?

Oh, but you seem nice,
but you looked like the person

Who called her a goblin,
'cause to be honest.

She's no goblin.

[ laughter ]

I live three blocks away.
I'm in here all the time.

-Kim, "how do you know her?"
-how do you know her?

How do you know her?
I don't know her.

I don't know her.
Like, I just come in here.

I would love
if the two of you

Explained to me
how you know each other.

[ laughter ]

No, go ahead.
Explain.

No, I mean,
I come in here a lot.

We live three blocks
away. That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

Kim,
take your earrings off.

-You know what?
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-She looks like your ex.
-No, she's not my ex.

[ laughter ]

So, kim, you have that thing
I gave you in your purse?

-Mm-hmm.
-Go to the other side

Of the deli counter
there.

Start ringing the bell.

Sal, run to her.
She needs you.

[ bell dinging ]

Babe?
I heard you ring the bell.

I can't reach this.
Get this off the top.

I can't reach that.
Can you get it?

[ laughter ]

[ bell dinging ]

-Yes, hon?
-Move faster.

[ laughter ]

Ring the bell on his face.
Tell him to go away.

[ bell dinging ]
go away. Go away.
Go away.

-Sal, go away.
-Go away.

[ laughter ]

Ring the bell again.

Sal, come tearing
around the corner.

[ bell dinging ]

Babe, my pants.

Check the date on that.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Joe: Oh, you guys
are a cute couple.
Thanks.

Our friend phoebe
helping us out. That's nice.

You guys should just hold hands
and not let go.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry.

Oh.
-I'm sorry.

[ laughter ]

Oh! [ laughs ]

-So in love.
-We're newlyweds.

I'm not letting her go.
You know what I'm saying, guys?

Oh, go under.

Limbo, limbo.
I'm not letting her go.
Limbo, limbo.

[ both laugh ]

[ laughter ]

Murr, you guys
are discussing adoption.

-Okay.
-Okay.

She wants to adopt a baby.

You want to adopt
an -year-old girl.

Try and get someone
to agree with you, murray.

Can I ask your opinion
or something?

Sure.

My wife and I,
we're having this debate.

We're going to adopt
a kid.

She wants, like,
a little baby, right.

I want to adopt
an -year-old girl.

[ laughter ]

There's something off
about that, right?

There's nothing off
about it.

-She's an adult.
-She still needs love.

[ laughter ]

You get my side, right?

months, years --
there's no difference.

Well, it's a girl.

-She --
-she drove in.

-You adopted?
-Thank you.

We'll get the baby.
We'll get the baby.

-Yeah, it's hard. It's hard.
-We'll get the baby.

But we're going to
have steak tonight.

-Deal.
-Okay, deal.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Okay, so
this is it.

Joe, this is your wife
for the challenge.

Jonna,
one of our comedy producers.

Love jonna.
She's great.

-Joey, uh...
-Yes, pal?

...Something's different.

Something looks just --
what is it?

I can't figure it out.
Is it the eyes?

Sal: Joe, have you been working
on a difficult court case?

[ laughter ]

You're a grizzled cop
still chasing down that suspect

Everybody thinks
he's innocent.

Does bessy like it,
or no?

She's the only person
that doesn't.

Well, today, bessy's
not your wife.

Jonna is, so...

-Okay, so let's get into it.
-Yeah, okay.

Call each other daddy and mommy.
See if anybody notices.

Mommy, they get two types of
quiches -- seafood and spinach.

-Ooh, daddy. Spinach.
-Spinach.

Murr: He's just looking.
[ laughter ]

-Daddy?
-Yes, mommy?

-Bruschetta.
-Throw it over here, mommy.

We'll put it right
in the basket.

Jonna:
You got it, daddy.

[ laughter ]

Daddy, four-cheese ravioli
or gluten-free?

Mommy, four-cheese
all day, all night.

Yes, daddy.

[ laughter ]

Oh, but, mommy,
you could get a gnocchi.

Ooh, daddy, yes,
a gnocchi.

[ laughter ]
ooh, yes.

Mommy, there's
way too many meats.

Daddy, just pick
whatever you want.

Well, mommy,
there's a couple mixes.

-Yes, daddy, yes.
-Okay, I'll mix it, mommy.

-Mix it. Mix it. Yes.
-Mommy, I'll mix it up, mommy.

I'll mix it up.
Citarella, mommy?

Yes, daddy.

[ laughter ]

Why does it not get old?

Murr: You know, what I need
is a mommy-and-daddy fight.

Mm, I want black olives,
daddy.

Mommy, I want to do
green olives.

Well, daddy,
I want black olives.

Mommy, we need
the green olives.

You know no one eats
the black olives.

Why does it always have to be
what daddy wants?

Because, mommy,
that's the way it goes.

Q: Dude, the whole area's
listening.

Joe: Everyone knows you pick
a green olive.

Who does
a black-olive martini?

Guys, say "mommy" and "daddy"
at the same time.

One, two, three.

-Mommy.
-Daddy.

[ laughter ]

I don't want to fight.
I'll get both.
Fine.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Joe:
Let's send in q's wife.

I don't know
what's going on.

There she is.
There she is.

Murr: Oh, my god!

Joe:
Let's send in q's wife.

I don't know
what's going on.

There she is.
There she is.

Murr: Oh, my god!

[ laughter and applause ]

Jameela jamil.

You all know
jameela jamil,

Host of "the misery index"
on tbs.

Yeah, q's better half.

I'm here to [bleep] up
your day.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to the party, jameela.

[ laughter ]

Q, start talking to this guy
about the knicks.

Alright.

I'm still just waiting
for my wife's order, so...

You know what
I'm really about?

Like, how those knicks doing
this season?

You know what I mean?
Not too good.

Jameela, walk over and say,

"he's not talking to you
about the knicks, is he?"

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

You talking about the knicks?
-It's what he does.

-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
-Don't apologize, please.

No, no, this is a thing
that he does.

He's trying to steal
your wallet.

Please, can you just check
for your wallet?

[ laughter ]

This is my husband.

He doesn't care
about the knicks.

[ laughter ]

Please just make sure you have
all of your belongings, sir.

I'm so sorry.

[ laughter ]

Oh, fantastic.

Great work, jameela.

We're going to do something
with the purse.

Q, we want jameela
to hand it off to you,

And when she does,

We want you to just immediately
throw it on the floor.

Oh, you know what?
I need some cake.

I need some cake.
Take my bag.

Drop it.

[ laughter ]

-What are you doing?
-No, I know, I know but I --

Throwing my stuff
on the floor.

-Women don't respect --
-take my bag.

Women don't respect men.

[ joe laughs ]

Just hold my bag
so I can go get you a cake.

You wouldn't respect a man
that holds a bag.

I already don't respect you.
Just hold my bag.

But this is how I'll regain
your respect back, baby.

I'm sorry.
How are you --

Will you stop dropping my bag
on the floor?

What's the matter
with you?

Okay, okay, okay.
Baby, I just --

[ laughter ]

She just went like this.
"wow."

Murr: Can we just say
how lovely it is

Having jameela
on set today?

Far more talented
than the four of us.

[ laughter ]

I'd love for you to try
to do a little pda,

And, jameela, just reject
every single ounce of it.

[ laughter ]

Hey, baby, we figure out
what we're getting?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

[ laughter ]

Oh, baby, look,
giant beans.

Oh, my god.
They're so big. Hey.

-I found the garlic, baby.
-Hey. Hey.

Q, go in for a kiss.

Baby, look, iced tea.
[ smooching ]

Have you ever had --
-don't.

Please, can you just --
please, can you just --

-Hey, babes.
-Hey.

[ laughter ]

Can we just shop, please, once
without you mauling me?

[ ding! ]
[ laughter and applause ]

It's happily ever after
for everyone but joe.

He's tonight's big loser.

Oh, my god,
we are starting season

With a joe gatto punishment.
-I'm getting it out of the way.

Buddy, you're working today
at buddy's dog den

For your punishment.
-That's right,

And when people come
to pick up their pets today,

You're going to have to tell
them that, earlier in the day --

I'm always in trouble
when he can't get the line out.

You need to tell them
that, earlier in the day,

There was an incident...
-An incident?

...Between your dog
and their dog.

-You want to know what that is?
-It's not good.

Your dog made the sex
with their dog.

Yeah, yeah.
Knickknack paddywhack.

-My dog gave them a bone?
-Your dog gave them a bone.

[ laughter ]

So this is my dog?
This is my dog here?

Sal: That's your dog right now.
That is the repeat offender.

-That's frank. That's frank.
-Hi, frank. Good boy.

Q: He looks like he's relaxed
and post-coitus.

All frank needs
is a smoking jacket and a cigar.

[ chuckles ] you'll notice
a book on the desk.

That's an
incident-report book.

Q: Don't open it.
Don't open it.

[ laughs ] you'll open that
when the customer comes in.

-Here you go, boys.
-Oh, this is going to be great.

-Here we go.
-[ laughs ]

Here about to pick up
that little brooklyn girl.

Brooklyn girl?

There was something
I wanted to talk to you

About brooklyn, actually.

This is, uh --
this is my dog, frank, here.

Murr: Oh. Oh.

My dog [bleep]
your dog.

Oh!
[ laughter ]

This is my dog,
frank, here.

Murr: Oh. Oh.

My dog [bleep]
your dog.

[ laughter and applause ]

So this is the report.

Is that what
you're telling me?

Yeah, you know, it talks you
through the whole thing there.

We have fake incident reports
with diagrams,

And we marked where
the places were affected.

"on Wednesday,
the staff member, joe,

Witnessed frank laying
metaphorical pipe on brooklyn.

-You're a big dude, man
-yeah, he's a big dude.

He is actually.

[ laughter ]

Hi. Come on.
Come on, brooklyn.

There you go.
There you go.

Hi, little one.
-Look at the dog.

Oh!
[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

He did what we thought,
is, like,

He put his hands on his head,
and he left.

Hi, babe.
What's your dog's name?

Sonny.

-Oh!
-Oh!

[ laughing ]
here we go.

Okay, hold on.

This is my dog, frank.
Here's the thing

About frank and sonny.
They had, a little earlier --

I just want to tell you --

No, he didn't get hurt.
Sonny's great.

My dog mounted your dog
to completion.

So my dog --

My dog mounted your dog
to completion.

[ laughter ]

He's small, I know,
but he's alright.

-Read the incident report.
-These are the areas of concern.

Uh, mo--

So it was mostly kissing.

But then there was
some butt stuff.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, you got sonny?
Yeah, hi, booboo.

Here you go.

You okay?

No, no, no. You keep that.
No, no, no.

This is not a bordello,
ma'am.

We can't accept that

Because of the interaction
that happened.

This is not a bordello.

[ laughter ]

Hi. How are you doing?
-Hi. Here to pick up roxy.

You're here to pick up roxy?
Great.

-Roxy.
-It's a female dog.

I got an incident report
here for you.

Take a look at.
-What happened?

Sal:
Things got conjugal.

Things got conjugal.

[ laughter ]

My dog, frank, here,
made romantic with roxy.

-Is she okay?
-She's fine. She's fine, yeah.

Oh, really?
Okay.

Joe,
read the incident report.

"I was eating lunch
when the event occurred.

My appetizer had
some zucchini sticks.

That was around the time
that frank began

To [bleep]
the entry area of roxy.

[ laughing ] oh!

And as I finished up
the sticks, more and more --

Then my main dish here,
the mushroom ragu bucatini,

Frank mounted --
you know, mounted the bitch.

And then by the time
I'd reached dessert...

-Joe's turning red.
-[ laughs ]

It was a delicious eclair.

Frank was finishing
his own dessert, yeah.

[ laughter ]
he ate through the whole...

There's beautiful roxy.
There you go.

[ laughter ]

She's just like, "alright,
my dog was..."

-Schtupped.
-[ chuckles ]

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Who you picking up?
-Rio.

Great. And then,
what was your name?
I'm oliver.

-Who you picking up?
-Ellie.

Oh, yeah, your dog
got [bleep]

-Oh, ellie got [bleep]
-what?

[ laughter ]

Let me get rio first, and then
we'll talk you through it.
Okay.

[ laughter ]

Take care, rio.
Great. Okay. Awesome.

Okay, so I have just a quick
incident report here for ellie.

That's my dog, frank, that I
brought to work today, and --

Basically, the lipstick
came out, and it was applied.

Basically,
the lipstick came out

And it was applied.

[ laughter ]

Hey, say hi.
-Hi, girl.

Joe, just say the word
[bleep]

[bleep]

[ laughter ]

-Hi.
-Hello. How's it going?

-Good. How are you.
-Good. What's your name?

-Mezcal.
-Here for mezcal.

Q: Last one, buddy.
Last one.

How's everything going
around here?

It was good. Good day.
Interesting day.

A lot's happened.

Here's the thing with
with mezcal.

This is the incident
report from today.

That's frank,
my dog, frank.

And seems that my dog
may have penetrated mezcal.

Wait, what?
Yeah, frank romantically
may have penetrated mezcal.

I'll bring you through it.

I heard
a prolonged yelping,

And there was rhythmic
thumping going on.

Then I finally got in there
and...

Q:
He can't even get it out.

-He's trembling.
-He can't get it out.

So his [bleep]
was in mezzy's mouth?

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Hi, buddy.

Hi.

Yeah, he's fine.

Bye-bye, mezzy.

Thank you.
You got it.
You have a great day.

[ laughter ]

Okay, guys, that's it.
I mean, are we done?

It's not going to get better
than that. You're done.

Shop is closed. Sorry.
That's it. It's over.

[ laughter ]

Keep it in your pants,
frank.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Oh, my god.