09x02 - The Bachelor Party

[bunniefuu]

Coming up, why is joe
doing the camera roll?

Joe:
I'm gonna come in hot.

[ laughter ]

Narrator:
What's got murr
learning the lingo?

Get woke.

I don't think
that's how you use that.

[ laughter ]

Narrator:
And which losing joker

Will get the piss
taken out of him

In tonight's punishment?

-Oh!
-Oh, my god!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Just two fart-knockers
getting it done.

♪♪

Today, we're playing
photographers.

And we're snapping photos
of new clients.

While taking snaps,
we're gonna have to do

And say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

And, of course, if you refuse
to do anything, you lose.

Fellas, photo!
Cheese!

When people trash-talk
staten island,

This is what I want them to see.

Murr:
This is like versailles.

This is -- this is better
than versailles.

Because you don't have
to fly to France to go.

Well, it's not better
than versailles,

But, yes, I understand
what you mean.

It's way better than versailles.

Joe:
All right, here we go.

-Hello.
-Hi. How are you?

Good.
How are you?

Sal:
"you may have heard of me.

I made my name
as a very reviled paparazzo.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, this is great.

Uh, and thank you
for agreeing to come do this.

Yeah.

You know, you may have
heard of me.

I was the most reviled
paparazzo in hollywood.

-Oh, god.
-Yeah.

[ laughter ]

So I'm trying
to change my reputation.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

"well, you're here, which
means you haven't googled me."

[ laughter ]

Yeah, which --
you're here,

Which means
you haven't googled me.

-No.
-Great.

[ laughs ]

Just let me get
the background here.

Now! Now!

Okay, now!

[ laughter ]

Great. Maybe we'll get
a few water sh*ts.

Perfect.

All right,
and I'm going.

Okay.
Yeah, great, great.

Let me go back.

Joe:
She's telling you
what to do.

Q, just let her
boss you around.

[ laughter ]

Now, what should I do?

I'm not --
not kidding.

Now what should I do?

[ laughter ]

You want to do
a sitting one?

I will do that.
I will do that.

[ laughter ]

Oh, that's great.

Joe:
Oh, uh, q, who's that

In the corner
coming out of the bushes?

Is that your old assistant
joe papio, who you fired?

Hey, bud.

Sal: Q, he follows you
from sh**t to sh**t now.

Just stalking
and harassing you.

It's a "fatal attraction"
situation.

Okay. Really?
You're showing up here now?

It's on the calendar.

[ laughter ]

Q: This is joe.
He's -- he's my old assistant.

But don't look
in that camera.

Don't --
don't take pictures of me.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

No, no, I got it.

Buddy, come on.

-Okay, I'll see you soon.
-No, you won't.

[ laughter ]

Amazing.

Let me try and get
some of that water popping in.

Joe: Now I want you
to review a photo, q.

Oh, wait a minute.
What's this?

Yeah -- oh.

Looks like
there's a ghost in this photo.

Looks like there's a ghost
in this photo.

[ laughter ]

Huh.

All right,
let me try again.

Ah, you look amazing.
That's great.

"oh, you look great,
but the ghost blinked."

You looked great,
but the ghost blinked.

Let me -- let me take one more.
One more.

[ laughter ]

Oh, this is amazing.
There you go.

, , , boom.

Q, now look at it, go,
"all right.

Well, the ghost looks great
in this one, you not so much.

I'll photoshop it."

[ laughter ]

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

The -- the --
no, that's great.

That's good.
That's great.

[ buzzer ]

[ laughter ]
murr: There you go.

Sal:
All right, joey's up.

You feeling photography?

Not yet.

Sal:
[ laughs ]

-Here we go.
-The return of joe.

Murr:
There he is.

Joe the photographer.

Now I'm ready.
Now I'm ready, boys.

Q:
All right, here he is.

Joe:
Nice to see you.

"name's frederique,
but my friends call me rique."

My name is frederique.

Yes, my friends
call me rique.

And yours?

Lawrence.

Larry?

Larry is your father.

I've been looking
for that guy.

[ laughter ]

Okay, I'm just gonna take some
test sh*ts with the lighting.

"my -- my glasses are fake.
They're for the look."

My glasses are fake.
They're for the look.

"my hat is prescription."

[ laughter ]

Thank you.
The hat's prescription.

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

"yo,
you just got rique'd."

[ camera shutter clicking ]

You've been rique'd.

[ laughter ]

"dust that rique off."

Dust the rique off.

Sal:
"oh, I'm rique'ing
all over you."

And I'm rique'ing
all over you.

[ laughter ]

Come --
come this way, my friend.

Q: Joe just ask casually
if there's any chance

He thinks he could catch a fish
from the fountain

With one hand for a sh*t.

Any chance you think
you could bare-hand a koi

Out of this fountain?

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

Q:
"we're the dream team, buddy."

We're the dream team,
you and I, lawrence.

"just two fart-knockers
getting it done."

[ laughter ]

Rique'ing out, baby.

Just two fart-knockers
getting it done.

Yeah.

Q:
"you've been rique'd."

[ laughter ]

You've been rique'd.

"oh, yeah,
we're knocking the farts

Right out of each other."

I'm knockin' the -- knockin'
the farts right out of you.

Two fart-knockers...

Knocking those
[bleep] farts.

[ laughter ]

Joe, uh, you see on
the ground over there

We put a rolling board?

Oh god.
Okay, let's have you...

Want you to, you know,
roll around, take some sh*ts.

Q:
There it is.

If you don't mind,
I want some motion,

And I want to be
a little lower.

[ grunts ]

A little bit.

Perfect.

I'm gonna come in hot.

Q: That's hot?

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Keep going.
I like the natural.

Q: He's having
so much trouble.

You've been rique'd,
you fart-knocker.

[ laughter ]

You've been rique'd.

[ ding! ]
[ laughter ]

Murr:
Very impressive.

♪♪

Joe:
Here we go, buddy.

Hey!
How are you?

I'm james.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, bryce.

Come on in, please.

Oh, my god.
He looks like he's from hanson.

Murr: We're gonna be
bouncing around, taking photos

Throughout
the whole gardens.

Murr, he just took
the scarf off, go,

"whoa. Lot of neck."

[ laughter ]

Oh, you took the thing off,
because now it's, whoa,

A lot of neck, you know?

No, leave it off,
leave it off, leave it off.

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Murr, we've hidden dan cast

Holding a bottle of water
somewhere.

Find it
and take a sip.

[ laughter ]

Let's just get
a quick sip of water.

One sec.

[ laughter ]

So, what kind of photos
have you done before?

Q: It's like something
from "willy wonka."

That's great.
That's excellent.

[ laughter ]

-Slowly.
-Slow return!

[ laughter ]

Murr, I want this guy running,
and you take pictures.

Y--
[ laughter ]

Let's --
let's run around together.

Let's do it.
Okay?

Great.
Let's do it.

And this way.
Here we go.

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Sal: He looks like
a wild stallion.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Look at murr's bald spot!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
The juxtaposition of this
greek god versus murray's...

His scalp
blowing in the wind.

[ laughter ]

It's great.

Joe:
"all right, you've inspired me."

You inspired me with an idea.

"I'm gonna hide in bushes."

I'm going to hide...

Joe:
And just snap away.

...In bushes.

I'm gonna hide in bushes
and try to get candids

As you amble.
I love that.

Okay?
Great.

You love it.
Great.

Okay.

Joe: Murr, just start
taking pictures of him.

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Q:
[ laughs ]

♪♪

[ camera shutter clicking ]

[ laughter ]

Look at the bushes
rustling!

It's like "jurassic park"!

[ laughter ]

[ camera shutter clicking ]

Joe:
He's trying to catch him.

[ laughter ]

Joe:
Stand up and go,
"where are you?"

Where are you?

[ laughter ]

That's great.
Let's get some wider sh*ts.

Okay.
So, ready? And...

Great sh*t.

"you look like
a [bleep] nosferatu."

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
Okay.

In this -- in this one,
you look like...

Q: A [bleep] nosferatu.
Come on!

[ laughter ]

Light's changing a lot.

Q: You can't!
[ laughter ]

Sal:
He can't say it.

Is this on already?

Holy [bleep]

Sal, the first thing
I want you to say

To this model is,
"hey, my name is sal.

My pronouns are he/him."

Okay.

"and my adjectives
are 'fat' and 'jazzy.'"

[ laughter ]

Q:
Let's photo, baby!
Just lead with that.

Oh, lord.
All right.

Joe:
Here she comes, sal.

That's sal.

Oh, hey.

Hi.
How are you?

My name is sal.

Yasmin, pleasure
to meet you.

My pronouns
are "he" and "him,"

And my adjectives
are "fat" and "jazzy."

[ laughter ]

Let's photo, baby!

"oh, I was hoping
you'd be completely shaven."

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
Okay.

Murr:
[ laughing ]

[ chuckles nervously ]

[ laughter ]

Let's photo, baby!

Joe: "oh, I was hoping
you'd be completely shaven."

Oh.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
Okay.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Murr:
[ laughing ]

I was hoping
you'd be completely shaven.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

I know that
someone coming

Is supposed to be like
beautifully shaven on top,

But actually, I love this.

"in fact, I'm gonna fire
that other model right now."

I might even --
you know, what?

Hold on a second.

[ laughter ]

Murr:
Sal, just say, "hey, siri.
Fire model."

Joe: "fire bald model"?

[ laughter ]

-"hey, siri."
-hey, siri.

It got him!
-"hey, sir, fire bald model."

Hey, siri.

Fire bald model.

[ laughter ]

She got fired
on the way.

Just be you.
Nothing, really.

I just want to kind
of capture a little bit.

Thanks so much.

Q: "quick question.
Just for inspiration purposes."

Quick question,
just for inspiration purposes.

"how much grass
would you be willing to eat

Before I had to start
paying you extra?"

[ sighs ]

[ laughter ]

Murr: What?

Um...

[ laughter ]

How much grass would
you be willing to eat

Before I had
to pay you extra?

What?!

Really?

Wow. I thought I had
a really original idea there.

[ laughter ]

Sal, could you yell out,
"hey, bridget,

Could we get hair and makeup
to do a touch-up?"

Hey, bridget?!

Bridget,
could we get a hair-and-makeup?

Do you mind if I just
give you a little powder?

Here comes bridget, sal.

Joe:
You needed hair and makeup?

Murr:
[ laughs ]

Sal: Yeah, just gonna do
hair and makeup real quick.

-It's hot out here.
-No.

Joe:
You're a little shiny, yeah?

[ laughs ]

T-bone you.

[ laughter ]
have a great sh**t.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, I was shiny so...

[ ding! ]

Narrator:
Picture this -- murr and q

Are first up
on the loser board.

All right!
Today we're competing

Head-to-head
as kids television producers,

And we're presenting
our new ideas

For children's programming.

The goal is to convince the room

That your cartoon
is, as the kids say, lit.

The catch is, we don't know
what we're pitching,

Because our animations were
made up by these looney toons.

At the end, we'll ask them
who had the better idea.

Whoever has
the best idea wins.

Lit.

-Hi. Welcome
-hi. How are you?

-Have a seat.
-Hi. I'm james murray.

-Nice to meet you.
-Thank you for coming. I'm joe.

Nice to see you guys.
So, we develop

Children's animated tv shows.

Joe made murr's,
murr made joe's.

Neither of them
has seen any of them.

-I'll start us off.
-Yeah.

Here you go.
"can't bears."

Q: [ chuckles ]

"little kids always struggle
with being good enough.

Well, what if they can't?

Enter the can't bears,
who teach them

Failure is inevitable
and part of life

And they should just
get used to it.

Much like the children watching,
these bears just can't."

Q:
[ laughs ]

I can't wrap
my mind around this.

We got a bear for that.
-Oh, you do?

Yeah.
[ laughter ]

So, these are
each of the bears here.

So this bear cries a lot.

This one is hurt and unable
to do any activities.

This one has just
given up all hope.

She's just
surrendered here.

Q:
It's a white flag.

[ both laugh ]

And has also seems
to have peed herself.

Q: [ laughs ]

In all honesty,
I feel like this is a show

I would watch just myself.

[ laughs ]
okay, okay.

I feel like it
should've existed already.

Oh! Whoa!

Wow.

Give me an example
of, like, an episode.

There's an episode
where she has to go to the mall,

And the escalator's
broken.

There's only
a huge staircase.

So she has to go home.

So, what gets done?

Not much,
because they can't.

[ laughs ]

The next idea is --

Here we go --
"rate my mom."

[ both laugh ]

Murr:
"these bodacious-bodied moms

And their smart-aleck sons
have tons of adventures

With gentleman suitors,

Both real and imagined.

Which mom rates
as the hottest?

It changes every week,
depending on the fella --

Or dame -- so go make sure
to tune in to find out

Who the mailman, garbage man,
lunch lady, and genghis khan

Selects as their date."

Okay.
Uh, question.

Yeah.

Why is genghis khan
in there?

[ both laugh ]

Q: Oh, great.

Murr, do that thing where
you start getting frustrated.

It's for children.

[ both laugh ]

You're not getting it.
It's for children.

I -- I love it.

-It's my favorite.
-My favorite thing he does.

My favorite thing
he does is that.

I mean, kids already do this,
keep in mind, right?

They all talk about their moms,

And especially
get a little older, you're like,

"oh, my mom's the hottest,"
whatever.

Kids do this.

Uh, what type of childhood
did you have?

Uh, ooh, well...Balanced.

[ both laugh ]

You're watching him
crash and burn.

Where are the dads?

I mean, joe this is .
They could be single moms.

Get woke.

I don't think
that's how you use that.

[ laughter ]

Do you want
to take a vote?

Uh, actually,
I feel like we're all

Gonna vote
for "can't bears."

Joe: Yeah.

[ both laugh ]

He's taking it
into his own hands!

Just raise your hands.
It's "can't bears," right?

Yeah, thanks.

All right, good job,
though, buddy.

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Amazing.

-How you guys doing?
-Pretty good.

Sal:
We're gonna be talking
about potential

New animated series
for cable network television.

Sal has made q's cartoons.

And q has made
all of sal's.

Murr:
What you got, sal?

♪♪

"stfu mum."

[ both laugh ]

So, uh, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Sal:
We're gonna be talking about

Potential new animated series.

Murr:
What you got, sal?

♪♪

"stfu mum."

[ both laugh ]

"a british mommy
permanently loses her voice

After her son tells her
to shut the [bleep] up."

[ both laugh ]

"whoa! Little british child
davey has some powers.

He just took away
his mummy's nagging voice.

Davey realizes that his words
are like slaps and karate kicks.

Mean words make him strong
like superman,

And he fights bad guys with
his weapons of hate speech."

[ both laugh ]

"who else can he tell stfu?

How about his preschool teacher?

What about
his idiot football coach?

How about
his crying baby sister?

If daddy can't hear her crying,

That means more
davey-daddy time.

[ both laugh ]

Joe:
Look at his face!

"shut the [bleep] up, mum"
is set in the u.K.

To elevate the show
and make it fancier.

Murr:
[ laughs ]

This also capitalizes
on the success

Of the so-called
"harry potter" series.

[ both laugh ]

"so-called"!

What is the other
hate speech he uses?

[ both laugh ]

He's not like a tiny r*cist
running around, right?

Yeah, he -- so --

This one, it did say
"his weapons of hate speech."

Look at sal!
He losing it!

[ laughs ]

I don't like little boys
growing up

Telling women
to shut the [bleep] up.

Well, not women.
[ both laugh ]

A lot of the examples
you listed is his mother.

Well, mum is the main character.
That's his mom.

It's not a woman.
It's his mother figure.

It could've been
his dad.

Jean is
the voice of reason.

Reason.

Oh, he's gonna tell his dad
"shut the [bleep] up," too.

-Oh, he will?
-Oh, yeah.

But the title of the show
is "mum."
yeah.

I tell you what --
q didn't even go yet.

They could take the vote
right now and q would win.

[ laughs ]

Now, think you guys
are really gonna like this one.

Yeah, that's -- that's my boy
grim grab.

-Grim grab.
-Grim grab.

Q:
Follow the adventures
of grim grab,

The terrible troll,
with the skeleton arm,

That kidnaps children
both good and bad

And leaves a trail
of wailing parents in his wake.

Right?
Right there.

Murr:
Oh!

Watch grim grab take kids
from their homes

All to feed himself
and his grim, ghoulish family.

[ both laugh ]

He eats them?

[ both laugh ]

I mean, so grim grab...

-Yeah
-...Takes kids good or bad.

Yeah.
That's very specific.

That's a pretty
existential terror.

There's, like,
no moral compass.

It's like any child
can be grabbed.

Now you're cueing into it,

And I'm wondering is that
Saturday-morning programming?

Yes, this is for kids,
but, hey, if you're --

If you're, you know,
with the jazz cabbage

On a Saturday night
with your friends,

Hanging around
having a little fun,

And you come upon "grim grab,"
and adults enjoy it, too...

Uh, uh...

[ both laugh ]

Why is he eating them?

Hmm.
That's a big one.

[ laughter ]
I noticed.

[ laughter continues ]

-Let's take a vote.
-Well, here we go.

By show of hands, if you would
like to see

"grim grab" go forward...

Yeah, I'm gonna
go with "grim grab."

-"grim grab"?!
-"grim grab" for the win!

Somebody's
gotta get eaten.

[ both laugh ]

Narrator: Sal and murr's
cartoons were cancelled,

Making murr
tonight's big loser.

-All right.
-All right!

Murr, you're
our big loser tonight.

-Yes.
-It's a fact everybody knows

That you're getting
wifed up very shortly.

Yes.
I'm getting married, gentlemen.

Joe: Yeah,
the nuptials are coming.

And you got your boys here
to throw you a bachelor party.

I had one already.

Q:
Well, not like this.

So, we have a sexy nurse,
and...

He is going
to put a catheter in you.

[ laughter ]

And he's actually a doctor.
A male doctor.

Oh, no. No!
You can't do that!

Q:
Oh, I can't do it.

That's why we have
a professional.

No, no!

Like, the thing
that goes...

-Yeah, yeah!
-Oh, my god!

This is crossing --
why -- no!

[ laughter ]

Joe: There he is.
The doc.

Q: All right.

What does this mean?
What does it do?

The catheter is inserted
into your bladder

Through your penis
to drain urine.

This is [bleep] up.
[ laughter ]

Murr:
You gotta talk me
through this.

Is there a lasting effect?

The longest-lasting thing
will be the, um...

National broadcast
on the television

For the rest of eternity.
[ laughter ]

All right, murr -- drop 'em.

All right, buddy.
[ laughter ]

Dr. K:
It's gonna be fine.
You're in good hands.

Q: Literally.

-Is the hog out?
-The hog's out.

-The hog's out?
-We're good.

Murray's on a chaise lounge,
outdoor furniture.

We're watching him
get a catheter.

[bleep] weird.

I'm starting to regret
this a little bit myself.

Dr. K: Okay. So, murr,
I'm now about to begin.

-Holy sh*t!
-Oh, my god!

Murr:
That's what you're putting in?!

Dr. K: Yeah.

You see the length
of this thing?!

Wait, wait, wait!
Hold on!

Look at me
in the eyes, murr.

Murr: I can't.
I can't even look at him.

Murray,
look at me, murr.

Murray, it's part of
the punishment --

Look me in the eyes.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Look me in the eyes.

Dr. K:
All right, so just --
you need to just kind of relax.

I am now going to insert
a catheter

In your below-average-size
penis, okay?

[ laughter ]

Just relax.
It's okay. Deep breaths.

You're gonna be fine.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh, my god.
I can't even imagine.

Murr:
Oh, my god!

-Oh!
-Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Dr. K:
You're doing great.
I'm almost done.

[ whimpering ]

Ow!

Dr. K: That's it.
We're done.

Yeah, murr!
Attaboy!

Dr. K:
You did a great job.

I'm just peeing in a tube.

Oh, my god.
This is crazy.

I feel like
we've done something bad.

Ah.

Oh, my god. You probably don't
want to do anything, right?

No, of course not.

Yeah, but we have
fun activities planned.

It's your bachelor party.

All right.
Get on with the next --

Wait, wait, wait. Isn't there
a zip line around here?

[ laughter ]
no way. There's no way.

There's a zipline
right around here.

Joe:
All right, murr.

Has anyone -- anyone --
ever ziplined

While holding
their own catheter?

No.
No, ever.

Yeah.
The good news is,

You can't
piss your pants.

I'm afraid it's gonna pop out.

Good luck, murr.

-Oh, god.
-Here he goes, here he goes.

♪♪

Oh, my god,
I can't believe it!

Sal: Oh, my god,
he's going so fast!

-Oh, god.
-Here he goes, here he goes.

All right.

Good luck, murr.

I'm afraid it's gonna pop out.

Oh, my god,
I can't believe it!

-[ grunting ]

Joe:
Oh, he picked his feet up!

Sal: Oh, my god,
he's going so fast!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

[ all groaning ]

You did it, buddy!

-Oh.
-Is it in?

-It's in!
-Yeah!

-It's still in!
I did it!

-Oh, my god.
-Wow!

Let's get it outta you.
Come on.

Q: Come on, pal.

I'm never losing again.

Guys,
best bachelor party ever.

[ laughter ]

Now get this
the [bleep] outta me!

Let's get the doctor
to take it out, sal.

Uh, the doctor
had to leave.

He did, he did.
So...

Is there a nurse
in the house?

Is there a nurse
that could...?

[ laughter ]

Oh, no.

[ laughter and applause ]

Say hello to melissa,
murr's beautiful fiancée.

This cannot be
the weirdest thing

That the two of you
have done together.

-Let's be honest.
-It's one of them.

[ laughter ]

I just want to say
I love you so much.

[ laughter ]

-This is very romantic.
-This is gonna last, guys.

Thank god melissa's
studying to be a nurse,

Because he would have
to keep this in for days.

It's crazy, right?

-Yeah.
-I know.

Lay down, please.

Melissa did mention
she failed this class.

[ laughter ]

Have you ever
done this before, babe?

-Yes.
-You have?

Q:
Now he's getting pissed.

How many guys have you
done this before to?

-Are you ready?
-I can't look, I can't look,

I can't look, I can't look.
-Deep breath, deep breath.

-Aah! Aah! Aah!

-Is it out?
-It's out.

Yeah, murray!
-Yay!

What a bachelor party.

-Will you marry me?
-Yes.

Aww. And they lived
happily ever after.

[ alarm beeping ]
joe: Oh.

Joe, your alarm's
going off.

Oh, my alarm's going off.
It must be time for your

Semi-semi-semi-annual
prostate exam.

Did someone say
"prostate exam?"

No!
[ laughter ]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!
No! No!

I thought I heard someone say
prostate exam.

Did someone say
"prostate exam"?

No, dr. Frank!
No!

Enough! Enough!

You can't do both!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

-Dr. Frank has returned...
-Dr. Frank.

...To check you out, buddy.
You're about to get married.

We gotta make sure
you're in good health.

I just want you to know
I refused to do the other thing.

-You did?
-I did.

-Why?
-I thought that would tax

The relationship
just a little bit.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
all right. Just do it.

[ laughter ]

Jesus, frank.
Come on, frank.

We're gonna take
a deep breath.

Aah! Aah!
[ laughter ]

This is the best bachelor party
I've ever been to.

[ laughter ]