09x12 - Prince + Charming

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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09x12 - Prince + Charming

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: Coming up --
is joe seeing crystal clear?

[ laughter ]

What has q
playing poltergeist?

So, I hired these guys to fake
a haunting and scare my wife.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: And which losing joker
will be in royal pain

In tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never
forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Cheese boy!

Today, we're posing
as "past life" therapists,

Telling people about their
previous journeys on earth.

But the details
of these past lives

Will be given to us
by the other guys.

The goal is to get through
those details without laughing.

Whoever laughs
the most --

Is named sal.

[ laughter ]

Put that clicker down.

"everybody loves raymond"
will be right back.

-Here we go.
-Hi.

What's your name?
-Hi. I'm sarah.

Thanks for
joining us today.

Q: Why don't we jump
right into the readings?

"I'm seeing water."

I'm seeing water.

"how are you
around barnacles?

Do barnacles
make you angry?"

How are you around, like,
barnacles and such?

Do barnacles anger you?

Do they anger me?

Um...
I have...

Joe:
Look, he's hiding it!

He's hiding it!

She can see you,
you idiot.

...Your head
being underwater.

Yes. Okay.

Joe: "you were very involved
in women's suffrage."

I see large involvement
in women's suffrage.

"leading marches,
gathering signatures."

Leading marches,
things like that, signatures.

"and then, in the end,
your side lost,

And women, unfortunately,
were able to vote."

[ laughter ]

That's a laugh.

Unfortunately, like,
you lost in that movement.

Women did gain the right to vote
in .

Q: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"the romans ran you down
with their horses."

[ laughter ]

The romans -- those --
you know the romans?

The romans ran you down
with the horses.

Q: "you hate horses,
though, right?"

Fact check --
you hate horses?

I do not hate horses.

"romans?
"do you hate romans?"

"do you hate romans?"

Do you hate romans, or...?

I don't hate a lot.

"how do you feel
about numerals?"

[ laughter ]

Things roman adjacent --
how do you feel about numerals?

[ laughter ]

I didn't understand them
for a very long time.

"well, suck me silly.
You were a pumpkin."

Suck me silly, though,
it looks like you were --

You were a pumpkin.
You were a g*dd*mn pumpkin.

[ laughter ]

We come from the earth,
so, like,

I also get people as trees,

As plants,
as things, like, of that nature.

-"for instance..."
-for instance...

-"...I..."
-...I...

Q: "...Was a zucchini."

...I was in the squash family,
as well.

I was --

Yeah, I probably was, like,

More of a zucchini
or a summer squash.

[ laughter ]

You look insane.

[ laughter ]

I can't believe how much
I'm picking up here.

It's a very fun read.

Joe: "you were a milquetoast
little twerp with no spine

And d*ed a coward's death
choking on a duck egg."

[ laughter ]

I'm getting that you were,
possibly, at one time, like,

A milquetoast little twerp
with no spine

That d*ed a coward's death
choking on a duck egg.

But this is just general,
general terms.

I wish I had more
to tell you there.

Murr: Here he is, guys.
The professor is in.

Alright, do me a favor and
just hold that up one second.

"you were the rapscallion
of pennsyltucky."

In your former life, you were
the rapscallion of pennsyltucky.

"and a devilish turd,
at that."

And a devilish turd,
at that.

[ both laugh ]

[ laughter ]

-That's a laugh!
-Do me a favor.

Just knock those together
for me, just once.

Okay.
Yeah.

There you go.
There you go.

-"oh. Oh."
-oh.

"you don't strike me
as a homicidal succubus,

But the cymbals
don't lie."

You got him!
You got him!

You don't strike me as
a homicidal succubus, but...

[ laughter ]

Can you do me a favor?
Can you flip this coin?

Sure.

And then just tell me what comes
up -- a head or a castle.

There you go.

-Castle.
-Castle!

"well, suck me silly.
You were a pumpkin."

[ laughter ]

Oh, well, suck me silly,
you were a pumpkin.

Murr:
"millennia ago..."

Q: Millennia ago...

"...You were the world's
first lesbian."

Millennia ago,
you were the world's --

This is very interesting --
first lesbian.

"some hot
cave-on-cave action."

Some hot cave-on-cave
action going on.

There you go.

Let me just dive back in
for a second.

Joe:
"you were a professor."

You were a professor.

"no, no.
An archaeologist."

No, no, no. Ooh.
An archaeologist.

"you carried a whip."

You...

You carried a whip.

"throw me the idol.
I'll throw you the whip."

Throw me...

The idol.

I'll throw you
the whip.

Does that sound familiar?

It doesn't sound familiar
from my history.

No. It wouldn't be.
That was "indiana jones."

[ laughter ]

"have you found this
helpful yet?"

Have you --

[ laughter ]

You found this helpful,
right?

Murr: Got him.
Got him at the end.

Hi. How are you?
Oh, here we go.

I'm gonna start
crying already.

Just gonna ask you which one
do you gravitate towards?

The golden one.

[ laughter ]

Q: Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Well, suck me silly.
You were a pumpkin.

I'm just gonna get that
out of the...

[ laughter ]

Murr: Joe, joe.

"two millennia ago..."

Two millennia ago...

"...You were a fart."

[ laughter ]

Two millennia ago,
you were a fart.

-"you d*ed..."
-you d*ed...

"...And then,
you became the wind."

...And then,
you became the wind.

You were just a fart
in the wind.

Great.

[ laughter ]

Q: Okay.
"so, good news, bad news."

Good news,
bad news, though.

"this is your first time
as a human..."

This is your first time
as a human...

"...After working
your way up..."

...After working
your way up...

"...As a rat in
the victorian era."

...As a rat in
the victorian era.

"my wife was a rat."

My wife was a rat.

"and I'm her little
cheese boy."

Now, currently,
I'm her little cheese boy.

[ laughter ]

I've never heard that voice
from him before.

I'm her little
cheese boy.

[ laughter ]

I'm her little
cheese boy.

You're off the rails!

Now, let's get back to you.
Don't worry about me.

"yahtzee."

Yahtzee.

"you appear to be..."
you appear to be...

"...The chosen one."
...The chosen one.

"I must contact
lord zulio."

I must contact
lord zulio.

-"I do want to tell you more."
-I do want to tell you more.

"but you've hit
the paywall."

But you hit a paywall.
"either we're finished..."

Either we're finished...

"... Or you give cheese boy
a little more money."

...Or you give cheese boy
a little bit of that cheddar.

[ laughter ]

How are you
not laughing?

'cause he's
in control.

You can let yourself out,
if you like.

He somehow managed
to turn this on us.

-And her, too.
-I know.

The goal isn't
to make us laugh.

It's us
to make him laugh.

Yeah, I know.

Cheese boy!

How are you?
Good. How are you?

Oh, have a seat.
What's your name?

Terrence.
Terrence. James.

Nice to meet you.

Alright, murray, there's some
sunglasses in front of you

We put on the table,
right there.

Those are your
reading sunglasses.

"you've lived many lives."

You have lived many lives,
terrence.

"as a..."
as a...

"...Power bottom."

[ laughter ]

Sal:
"you've lived many lives."

You have lived many lives,
terrence.

"as a..."
as a...

"...Power bottom."

You've lived many lives
as a...

Power bottom.

A power bottom?

Those exist
in past lives?

"well, this is your first life
as a regular bottom."

[ laughter ]

This is your first life
as just a regular bottom.

-As a regular bottom?
-Yeah.

That's crazy.

[ laughter ]

-"this life..."
-this life...

Q: "...Is the only life..."

...Is the only life...

"...Where you haven't reeked
like ham."

This life is the only life
you've lived

Where you have not
reeked of ham.

Cool.

Joe: "oh, boy, this sh*t's
kicking in now."

Oh, boy, this sh*t's
kicking in now.

[ laughter ]

Snap your fingers around.

"for instance, for instance, you
were a mosquito in perth amboy."

You were a mosquito
in perth amboy.

Boy, I'm getting it
fast and furious.

-"your body..."
-your body...

Q: "...Was once
very hairy."

...Was once very hairy.

"you were known as..."
you were known as...

"...The hair thing
of tom's river."

...The hair thing
of tom's river.

"susan, where'd you hide
the money?"

Susan, where'd you hide
the money?

Sometimes, they come in,
they're all disconnected.

Hold on.

"you taught alexander hamilton
how to rap!"

You taught alexander hamilton
how to rap!

Q: "your name is dave."

Your name is dave.

"oh, you were boring."

You were boring.

Keep going.
Keep going.

Here it comes.

[ laughter ]

Do that again!
Make him do it again!

You got him again!

Got him again!

Okay. Okay.

-"let me take a breath."
-let me take a deep breath.

Okay.

"have you found
any of this useful?"

Have you found
any of this useful?

A lot, actually.

Good.

[ laughter ]

Good job, murray.

Narrator: Looks like sal
couldn't read the past,

So he's got a future
on the loser board.

Today, we're working
the front desk at an office,

Trying to get people's opinions
on an e-mail

We're about to send.

The catch is,
these bizarre e-mails

Have been written
by these jokers.

The goal is to get the people
to say

That the e-mail's
ready to send.

If they say it's not,
you lose.

Hello.
How are you today?

-Hi. How are you?
-Good.

Joe: I can't wait to hear
her opinion, sal,

On this e-mail
we wrote for you.

While I have you here,
would you mind

If I bounce
something off of you?

Sure.

I was drafting an e-mail,
and I'm just wondering

If it's buttoned-up
enough to send.

-Okay.
-Here we go.

"to raven and tommy guts
at raw & buckwild tattoo --

The tattoo has healed,
and unlike what was promised,

It did not 'kind of
fall into place.'

Not the tattoo you want.

"conversely, the needles
you pierced my flesh with

Amount to no discernable
resemblance of my son,

Toby joseph.

I'm a calm and measured man,
but...

...But if you cannot
correct this,

I will come back to blackfoot,

And harm both you
and your families

In a way that I consider
real and meaningful."

Wow.

Sal, I just sent you a photo
of toby joseph.

This is my son.

See? Toby.

Yeah.

Aww.

Joe:
That's my nephew, parker.

Sal, maybe showing her the
tattoos will help your argument.

Joe:
The tattoos will help.

I should how you what
the thing looks like.

It's right here.

It's right here.
Can I show it to you?

Yeah. Okay.
It's just right here.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.
Does it look like him?

I don't think so.

That's jaden smith.

Who did you get
tattooed on?

It's not toby joseph.

No, it's not.

"I'm gonna sh**t you straight.
I've been b*rned before."

"I'm gonna
sh**t you straight."

I'll tell you --

Do it.
I'll sh**t you straight.

I've been b*rned before
with a tattoo.

Oh, no.

And show him
your other leg.

I had gotten --
I have one here.

-"toby joseph."
-toby joseph.

The same kid?

Yeah, the same child
but younger.

Here's toby
three years ago.

Toby...

[ laughter ]

Whose child is on my thighs?
I don't even know.

Oh, that's horrible.

I would be just
as pissed off.

I know.
Thank you.

All: Whoa.

-Maybe the tattoos worked.
-Maybe it worked.

I should send this,
then, right?

No.
Oh.

[ laughter ]

You think I would've learned
from my lower back tattoo.

Joe: Here we go.

Good. Good.
So, you seem like a bright guy.

Let me get your opinion
on something, if you don't mind.

Sure.
Yeah.

I'm about to send
this e-mail,

And I just want to make sure
that it's...

Appropriate to send, I guess,
would be the thing.

Got it.
It's to these guys.

"dear ghost hunters
of shaolin."

That's what they call
staten island -- shaolin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Wu-tang.
Yeah. Wu-tang.
Right. Exactly.

"you promised me that the musty,
old horror would be exorcised

From my house,
yet my wife still remains."

"you guys promised me
that your fake hauntings

Could scare anyone away.

Yet she's in the other room
right now

Cooking up her excuse
for a lasagna.

I want my money back or that dud
of a wife scared off,

As was assured to me.

Your move,
anthony tiberius gunk."

I mean...

Does that get across --

What are you
trying to say?

So, I hired these guys --
the ghost hunters of shaolin --

To fake a haunting
and scare my wife.

So they didn't scare her
at all.

"either pay me the money back
that I paid you or just --

Let's get a second
haunting going."

I don't want to get into your
personal business or whatever,

But there's probably
other ways to break up.

[ laughter ]

But is the e-mail
well-written?

No. The e-mail's
not well-written.

[ laughter ]

So, it's not ready to send,
you would say?

No.

Joe: Definitive.

-Here you go, murr.
-Hi. How are you, sir?

What's going on, buddy?
How you doing?

Do you mind if I ask you
a business question?

-Okay.
-I'm writing an e-mail,

And I'm not sure of the right
etiquette for e-mail.

So, do you mind if I
run this e-mail by you?

You tell me
if it's ready to send.

No problem.

-Here we go.
-Here we go.

"dear mrs. Franco,

I understand you've given
my son, kenzo,

Detention for saying
'big naturals,'

Which is a term we use freely
in our home."

"apologies if you don't
get my parenting style,

But kenzo will not be
staying after school today."

Q: Kenzo.

"sincerely, kenzo's dad,
albert."

Uh, I mean...

[ laughter ]

You know, in our house, we do
refer to them as "big naturals."

Do you know what I mean
by "big naturals"?

Yeah, yeah.
Definitely.

I have no problem
with small naturals

Or medium-sized naturals,
but natural is the key, right?

This is ready to send,
clearly, right?

-Yeah.
-Yes.

I knew it.
I knew it.

All: Oh!

Done and done.

Sal: Wow, murr.

Murr: Alright, joey.

Okay.
The name, hon?

Uh, leah.

How's your day?
Good?

So far, so good.
Mm-hmm.

I was about to send
this e-mail.

I'm not sure
if I should send it.

Let me just read you
this e-mail,

And you tell me
what you think.

-She's moving closer.
-Oh, I love this woman.

Murr: She's in.

Let me just read you
this e-mail,

And you tell me
what you think.

"wifey, as you know, I do not
want the first thing for our son

To see when he emerges
from your womb

Is this wretched nose
of mine."

[ laughter ]

The only time available
for the rhinoplasty

Is the day of your scheduled
c-section,

So it's either change
the date of birth

Or you do it
without me.

Your call, hubster."

Q: Hubster.

So, the situation is, I'm pretty
insecure about my nose.

I've been waiting to do it
for years.

My wife is with child.

[ laughs ] it's not funny,
but it's, like, funny.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

I understand that maybe --
you know,

You feel a little
self-conscious,

Or what have you,

But having a child is,
like, something amazing.

I just have to accept
what it is.

Right.
Don't worry about no nose.

Mind you, she hasn't told him
his nose is not big.

Right.
She's not negating it.

The basic premise
has been accepted.

[ laughter ]

So, the e-mail
that I've written here --

Do you think
I should send it?

No.
No.

-Yeah.
-Not even a moment.

You know, years I'm
dealing with this thing, so...

-You're ?
-Yeah.

You're done.
You're done.

Narrator: First draft
was a charm for murr,

Making sal
tonight's big loser.

Joe: Alright.

Sal is our loser.

So, today, buddy,
we came to times square.

It's the middle
of it all.

This is the place to be,
where big things happens.

I notice q's not here.

We'll get to q.

We just want you to look around,
see if you notice anything.

Anything strange?

[ laughter ]

"introducing newest cast
member -- prince herb"?

Joe: "introducing newest cast
member -- prince herb"

[ laughter ]

What is going on?

Murr:
That's you, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I
please introduce prince herb!

Give him a hand.

That's right!

Sal no longer exists!

For those of you at home
that don't know,

Herb is like a cornball,
like a dork.

So, you're --
you're prince dork.

Do you remember the season
where you made me wear q's hair?

-Yeah.
-Like that.

No. Not the whole season.

[ laughter ]

Oh, no.
Oh, that's --

Every episode, every challenge,
every -- your life.

Your life.

What's with
the earrings?

As everybody knows, you're our
stud, so we gave you two more.

No, no, no.
No, no, no.

Now he gets it.
Look at him.

It's like "a beautiful mind"
right now.

You see everything
happening.

You're gonna modify
my body?

Don't I have to
sign off on that?

Not no more.
Now, you're prince herb.

Wait, when am I
getting my ears pierced?

-Oh, right now.
-Yeah.

Murr: Let's go.

We're gonna leave that there,
like that?

Joe: Alright, prince herb,
here's your throne.

Say "hello" to our friend,
johnny.

Johnny, is there a way
to make it more painful?

Oh, I'm not gonna
feel a thing.

Okay, great.
[ laughter ]

We've trained him.
We've trained him, buddy.

You're not gonna get
any straight answers.

Sal: That's the size
of the [bleep]

Earring you're gonna
put in my ear?

-Yeah.
-Are you kidding me right now?

It looks like
the freaking --

It looks like the thing
from "titanic".

Can my lobe
support that weight?

We're gonna find out.

I'm so [bleep] nervous
right now.

That's a marker?
That's a marker.

I just want to know
when you're gonna do it.

It's not right now.

You're not gonna be like,
"ah, gotcha."

Johnny, I just want you
to be your best self today.

If my head is not completely
straight up on my neck,

I might give you
a wrong line of sight.

There's not gonna be an instance
where you start and stop?

How long will
the pain last?

Mm.

What if, god forbid, I move
and you pierce, like, here?

And then,
it's like, "ah!"

And you're like,
"ah, just hold still.

Let me get
in there again."

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, wait,

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to all
that tough guy talk?

So sorry.
What do I have to do again?

Breathe?
-Oh.

That whole thing
goes through his ear.

That's two inches.

Look at the prince.

All of america sees what
you're acting like right now.

Fine.

It's fine.

Take a look
in the mirror.

Okay. Okay.
Listen to me.

Today's no different
than any other day.

You woke up, and you went on
an adventure.

Your body will work to heal,
and maybe it'll even look okay.

That's not
gonna happen.

-I believe in you.
-Here we go.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Get him, johnny.
Brace him.

-Tilt towards your friends.
-Tilt and look.

Tilt and look.
Here we go.

Don't make it harder
than it has to be.

Come on, prince herb.
You can do this, herb.

Breathe in.

[bleep] please.

God, jesus,
I'm gonna jump.

And out.

Murr:
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Did it hurt?
-[bleep] it hurt.

It came through my body.

Breathe in.

[ high-pitched ]
okay.

[ laughter ]

Are you ready
for number two?

Yeah. Let's do
ear number two.

Here we go.

Ow!
That looks like it hurt!

That one hurt way more
than the first one!

I didn't think there'd be
a variation!

Ow!

There's a variation!

There's a metal bar
in your ear.

-Perfect.
-Oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

What?
What?

It's cubic zirconium,
that's what.

"what"?
It's amazing.

You don't even know
what you look like right now.

Whoo!

Bang.

Oh [bleep]

Murr: You're officially
prince herb.

Your highness.

Oh. I'm gonna become
one of those guys

Who licks his lips
a lot now,

Like, "yeah, what's up, baby?
How you doing?"

Murr: They're sparkly.

Well, you [bleep] did it,
so, good for you.

Well, we just kind of
got started,

'cause we want the whole world
to know you as prince herb.

Murr: Yeah.
This is your new look.

So...

We wanted to make sure that the
opening credits got modified.

So, we changed the opening
credits of the show,

If you want to take
a look at that.

"murr."

Is there gonna
be earrings?

[ laughter ]

-It looks good.
-[bleep]

You look great, buddy.
I wish q was here to see this.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Let's go.
Where is q?

He's been busy, this whole time,
getting to work on a new brew.

You son of a bitch!

Here we go.

Oh, hey, sal.

You may be wondering
why I'm here and not there.

Well, I'm announcing
our newest offering --

The prince herb brew.

It's pink. It's sparkly.
It's non-alcoholic.

It sucks --
just like you.

It's not even beer!

It's prince herb brew --
a corny brew for a corny mofo.

And, sal, you don't get
a dime from it.

Bye!

So, there you go.

You guys are ass[bleep]

[ laughter ]

I mean, I can't wait for your
first talk show appearance,

Where they announce you
as prince herb.

[ laughter ]

Please welcome back to the show
joe gatto,

James murray, brian quinn,
and prince herb.

How are you,
gentlemen?

And "impractical jokers"
joe gatto

And prince herb,
was it?

Oh, no, it is --
yes, prince herb.

Joined now by two
of the stars.

Oh, it's my man joe gatto
and prince herb.

What an honor,
gentlemen.

Prince herb in the house.
I mean, my goodness.

Good morning
to both of you.
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