Warning, the following program
contains scenes
Of graphic stupidity
among four lifelong friends
Who compete
to embarrass each other.
Narrator: Coming up,
what's got joe talking trash?
Let's go, you absolute
pieces of garbage!
Does murr have
an unbridled past?
I used to be
a wild stallion.
[ laughter ]
And which losing joker will
have to play it by ear
In tonight's punishment?
What?
♪♪
Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.
Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?
[ laughter ]
Murr: Like a boss!
[ laughter ]
Sal:
I will never forgive you!
Joe: Larry!
[ laughter ]
I kidnap squirrels
in my neighborhood.
Today, we're at topgolf,
Posing as actors sh**ting a
role in their newest commercial.
The catch is, it's not
a real commercial.
It's just an excuse to pair us
with another actor
Who thinks
it's a real commercial.
The goal is to do and say
Whatever you're told
by the other guys.
If you refuse,
You'll never work
in this industry again.
Basically, we're just
gonna get some b-roll.
We have some food. We're gonna
maybe take some sh*ts.
Q: Our producer,
jay miller will be playing
The role of
the director today.
I'll go first.
There you go.
Q: Just scream
right before you swing,
"let's go, you pieces
of human garbage!"
Okay, here we go.
You ready?
I'm ready. Let go.
Jay: And action.
Let's go, you absolute
pieces of garbage!
[ tenderloins laughing ]
Uh, cut.
Joe, who exactly
are you yelling to?
The pieces of garbage.
The pieces of garbage.
You could see how it's odd.
Agree to disagree.
Yeah.
[ tenderloins laughing ]
I'm gonna give you a line
and you'll deliver it to joe.
Be like,
"I'm having the best time.
Topgolf."
Joe, mouth the words
as he says them.
Okay, here we go. And action.
I'm having the best time.
Topgolf.
Alright, cut. Cut.
Were you mouthing the words
while he was saying it?
Was I?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Oh, I was?
I'm so into it.
Joe, pinch your right nipple
as hard as you can
In order to
not say something.
Do it again. And action.
I'm having the best time.
Topgolf.
Slap yourself
to keep serious.
I'm having the best time.
Topgolf.
Keep going till you feel like
we got a good one.
You know, I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
You know, I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
Murr: Pinch your nipple.
Slap yourself.
Chew on some chips.
You know, I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
Alright, cut. Cut.
Yeah, so you guys ready?
Just b*at the crap
out of your own balls.
Right. Here we go. Action.
I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
Joe, do whatever you got to do
to keep a straight face.
And action.
I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
I'm having
the best time. Topgolf.
Alright, that's a wrap.
We got it!
Oh, god.
Thank god.
My nards.
[ laughing ]
Keith, right?
James.
James.
I'm just gonna see.
We're just gonna get loose.
If you guys want to get --
loose up a little bit.
Legit critique his look
from head to toe.
What are you looking at, murr?
What are you looking at, buddy?
Keith.
James.
Talk to me about
the choices that have been --
Are you gonna tidy up
for the sh**t or...
Why, am I
looking rough?
Do some improv exercises with
your new buddy here, murr.
Let's do some improv
to warm up, okay?
Let's do, like, shadows.
You know, like --
Right?
♪♪
♪♪
Guys, what the [bleep]
are you doing?
Okay, action.
Murr, talk to him all politely
and then just squeak in a,
"hey, keith, leave some fries
for the rest of us."
So you said you're from
connecticut, right?
Do me a favor,
keith.
Just keep some fries for
the rest of us, right?
I'll do what I please,
james.
Thank you.
You know what? We're actually
just gonna use keith.
Oh.
Yeah.
If we can cut you
from the scene for a minute.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure. Sure.
[ laughing ]
So, keith,
you're watching great golf here.
Just give big reactions to it,
alright?
And action.
[ gasps ]
Now, murr, you're gonna
slowly inch behind him
Like, on your phone, and just
try and horn into the scene.
Got it.
[ sinister music plays ]
Mimic him, murray.
Mimic him.
Keith, big reactions.
Hey, hey!
Ohh!
That's it!
That's it!
Hey, hey, hey.
What the [bleep] are you doing?
I knew he was back there
the whole time.
No, I told you to
get out of the scene.
I mean,
it was a great sh*t.
But the sh*t is me, brother.
Get over there.
Murray's being out-comedianed
on his own show.
You're the straight man,
murr.
You're the straight man
in this scene.
You're funnier
than me.
Can we get a replacement
for this guy?
He's really kind of
messing with my scene.
[ cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Sal: Q's in a commercial!
Oh, look at him.
Wow!
I hope it doesn't
go to his head.
Q: Brandon, right?
How you doing?
Yes, sir.
Murr:
Q, tell the director
That this is a nice
change of pace for you
Because you're usually
typecast as an imbecile.
This is a nice change
of pace for me.
Yeah?
I'm usually just typecast
as, like, an imbecile.
Really?
Yeah.
Jay: We're gonna start
in minutes.
Okay.
Brag about how many dead bodies
you've played on tv.
Imbeciles I get
and dead bodies.
I was on five episodes
of "law and order: Svu."
Yeah, you play corpses
and anything or just...?
No.
I've never done anything
like that before.
No.
It's cool 'cause you get
the lay there all day.
Really?
Yeah.
Alright, so we're
gonna start with
You guys just hanging out
around the table.
Act natural.
Q, get in the oddest
position you can.
Looking good. Alright.
And action.
Brandon:
What's going on?
Okay, yeah.
How's it going?
They are making these
strong.
Got some watered-down
sprite over here.
No, I'm acting.
I'm acting.
It's not
really alcohol.
Oh, no, no.
I know.
Oh. [ laughs ]
Jay: Alright, cut.
Where are you from?
From russia.
Russia?
Q, get confused
as to when you're acting
And when
they're acting.
You guys aren't
acting right now, right?
Right now?
Yeah.
No.
'cause he said
cut, right?
I want to make sure
we're relevant.
Maybe I'll shoehorn
in some politics.
I just wonder if, like,
we've done enough
That was
socially relevant already.
Should I try and inject
some politics into it?
Do you naturally talk
about politics?
No.
You're standing like,
"okay, just be natural."
She's making fun
of you!
Jay: Alright, guys,
we're ready to go again.
Q, as soon as he yells action,
be like,
"so, who'd you vote for?"
Jay: And action.
So who'd you guys
vote for?
Nope.
No, no.
I know both of you
voted for, right?
So basically, we're sh**ting
some b-roll today.
We want to see you guys
just being friends,
Having fun.
Loose, fun
at topgolf.
Let's see you hit a ball.
Oh, cool.
Q: Jay, say this --
"so, clearly,
There's no world the two of you
have ever been together.
So you're just cousins?
You're cousins."
Okay, so clearly
there's no world
Where the two of you guys
would be together.
So.
Okay.
You guys are just cousins,
alright?
Okay.
Great.
Look at the face.
I love it.
Yeah. Let's get you guys up
at the pub table.
This is some b.S.
This is not the way a real
commercial works at all.
They filed you, too?
They did.
The wardrobe guy
gave me these pants, actually.
Actually, the wardrobe guy
gave me these jeans,
Because I spilled coffee
on my nards.
I had spilled coffee
on...
♪♪
Woman:
They filed you, too.
Actually, the wardrobe guy
gave me these jeans.
Because I spilled coffee
on my nards.
[ sighs ]
They gave me the jeans
when I got here, too,
Because I had spilled coffee
earlier on my nards.
Mm.
Jay: Alright, you ready?
And action.
Yeah.
So what do you like to do?
What are some of the things...
I kidnap squirrels
in the neighborhood.
In real life?
Yeah,
real life.
I kidnap squirrels
in my neighborhood.
Let me tell you
a really interesting story.
Yeah, I'll tell you
a real funny story.
One time under my porch,
a skunk fell asleep.
A skunk fell asleep
under our porch.
Right, so I went under there
and I saw the skunk sleeping.
I went under there,
saw the skunk sleeping, right?
And... [ chuckles ]
right?
Murr: Wait, is that the story?
Oh.
Yeah.
Jay:
I want you guys to look kind of
like you're having more fun,
So maybe let's not talk
about squirrels and skunks.
Jay, say, "I'll be honest.
The conversation is real weird."
I'll be honest.
The conversation is real weird.
Alright.
And action.
So you're completely
in your head at this point.
Cheers.
Cheers!
[ chuckles ]
[ sad music plays ]
Oh, wow. Did you see
how far they sh*t?
Wow.
Skunk.
Skunk.
You can't say
"skunk."
We've got to
celebrate spring.
Just...Skunk
under my...
Alright, cut.
Joe:
When he calls action,
I want you to go in
and k*ll this performance.
Be perfect.
And action.
Whoo, Friday!
Yeah!
Topgolf!
Girl,
we needed a night out.
Narrator: Everyone's performance
was up to par,
So they're safe
from the loser board.
Today, we're back at it
at cec research,
Presenting our life stories
to a focus group.
The catch is, the memoirs
we'll be given
Have been written
by the other guys.
At the end, we'll ask them
how likely are they
To recommend our memoir
on a scale from to ?
Whoever gets
the lowest score loses.
♪♪
Hey, how's it going?
How are you doing?
Hey, dude.
My name's brian.
Luca, nice to meet you.
Luca, very nice to meet you.
I'm writing a book, so it
only helps me if you're honest.
So, q is not seeing
his life story.
"s'moregasbord!
A heartwarming
(and tasty) american tale."
Alright.
As a child,
I loved s'mores,
And I turned that love
of s'mores into an empire.
But unlike enjoying a s'more,
it wasn't easy.
Got it.
[ laughter ]
At , I opened
the first dreamy s'mores store
On staten island.
That's where I'm from.
Dreamy s'mores
is the first
Non-greek s'mores
bakery-slash-shop
On the east coast.
Hit "next."
And it was about this time
that andy ps-my-is.
Joe: Psomias!
Ps -- ps...
Andy's fine.
Psomias,
Self-proclaimed
s'mores king of new york,
Swings by the shop
to welcome me to the business.
Yep.
And that leads,
unfortunately,
To the s'mores truck
m*ssacre.
Oh, no! Oh!
Psomias makes
another move.
Craig deluca, an -year-old
s'mores truck driver,
Disappears
while at work.
The deluca boy.
What is believed to be
craig deluca's body
Washes up in
clove lakes park.
Identification is difficult
due to the removal
Of craig's fingers, toes,
eyeballs, and genitals.
Any questions
so far?
Oh, no, I love it.
I love it right now
absolutely.
I love this tale
of massacres.
The high road.
I decide that a s'mores w*r
isn't what's best for business.
Okay?
I bury my mutilated chef,
I hire a new one,
And I move forward
without retribution.
Wow, he turns
the other cheek.
That's right.
Turn the other s'more.
Dreamy s'mores
into the mainstream.
This is great --
signed smash mouth
To be the official spokesman
for dreamy s'mores.
Okay.
We put out a special edition
green swamp s'mores edition
To celebrate
the release of "shrek."
I [bleep] love
"shrek."
I went on a cruise...
Yeah.
...Just because there was
a guy dressed as shrek,
To take a picture
with him.
This [bleep] guy
needs his own show.
Please buy my book
if you want to know s'mores.
When the book
gonna be?
I want to be the first one
to buy it.
You want to be
the first one to buy it?
Can I buy it right now?
I'll give you cash right now.
You want to give me
cash right away?
Right now, man.
$.
I mean, if you got
$ on you, I'll take it.
Beautiful.
$!
Joe: $ bill?
Oh, my god,
this guy.
So let me
ask you something.
A number, if you don't mind,
from to ,
That you would recommend
this book to others?
Recommend?
I'll be honest
and give it an .
.
[ laughing ]
♪♪
Here we are.
Joe: Here we go.
Hi!
Murr has never seen
the biography
That we've written for him
until right now.
Here we go.
This is the story
about how I survived
A plane crash
in maine.
I'd say that's
worth telling.
Oh, he's hooked.
He's interested.
First, I'll give you a little
backstory of the whole tale.
I used to be
a wild stallion, alright?
I'm from montana.
I grew up, I was raised there.
I made my living
by breaking horses.
You just have to break
the will of horses
So they
could be ridden.
I destroyed...
♪♪
I made my living
by breaking horses.
I destroyed hundreds of horses
in the process.
So, anyways,
I get hired to travel to maine
to help them train stallions.
This is a notorious stallion
that could not be broken.
Okay.
Gray mane, hands wide,
hands long.
This is a serious horse.
So it's wider
than it is longer?
It had sinewy,
throbbing haunches.
So I board a prop plane
to maine.
The plane goes down.
We crash in the wilderness.
The pilots are dead.
I make sure of it.
[ laughing ]
So, this is
a dramatization.
Close enough,
though.
I begin my arduous, -days
journey alone in the woods.
I finally stumbled upon
the great horse beast.
It was majestic.
It was glorious.
I knew I had to
tame it or k*ll it.
So I tamed it,
then k*lled it,
Because I live a life of ands,
not ors.
Anyways, so this
is the gray mane.
That is a picture
of the actual horse.
Looks like
a moose to me.
[ tenderloins laughing ]
Did I k*ll
a [bleep] moose?
Must have. Doesn't look
like a horse to me.
Anyways.
I'm sharing the true story
as I experienced it.
It's called "crash into m(ain)e,
the hunt for a legendary horse."
That's definitely
a moose right there.
That's a moose.
That's a moose.
So on a scale of
to ,
How likely would you be
to recommend this memoir?
To be honest with you,
I have to say .
.
Oh, my god!
Is it because
I k*lled a moose?
♪♪
Narrator:
We're not moosin' around.
Murr is about to be punished.
Well,
murray is our big loser.
Joe: Murray, you're gonna be
on a panel discussion
In front of
a studio audience
That's being taped
for broadcast.
Everyone will be in headphones,
but here's the catch.
Your headphones pump nothing
but loud static into your ears,
So you cannot
hear anything
That's actually going on
or being said.
But, gentlemen, how will
I know what to say?
Murray, you're gonna
have to trust us.
I don't.
Joe: So, murr is
sitting on a panel.
The topic is,
"did the internet ruin america?"
Murray's gonna have a lot of
opinions that are not his own.
So, this is how
this thing works --
Whenever we push this button,
he can hear us talk.
Otherwise,
he's listening to this.
[ static buzzes ]
Annoying, right?
Thanks for
joining us.
Woman:
Thanks for having us.
The only person who knows
what's going on
In this room is casey.
Casey:
Alright. Welcome, everybody.
Today on the panel,
we have christina harris,
Executive engagement manager
at dark trace,
The world's leading
cyber-a.I. Company.
[ static buzzes ]
All he's doing right now
is sitting in that room
Looking at everybody
and hearing nothing but static.
Okay, next we have
caroline payne.
Caroline is a regular
on wnpr's "the nose."
And last we have
james davies,
A media and communications
expert from princeton.
Say "that's right."
that's right.
Okay, and you graduated
from princeton?
I live in princeton.
I live in princeton.
And do you have a degree
from princeton?
Do you have a degree
from princeton?
Do you have a degree
from princeton?
♪♪
I'm gonna switch gears
a little bit.
In one word,
what's your greatest fear
About artificial
intelligence?
Unemployment.
Caroline?
Takeover.
Murr, come up with
one word --
Any word in the world
that you want.
Canada.
Let him hear.
Bring the static down.
[ static quiets ]
You're talking about
artificial intelligence.
The first word, for you, that
strikes fear is "canada"?
Y--
[ laughing ]
Joe: Explain that away,
buddy!
Casey: We're talking about
artificial intelligence.
The first word, for you, that
strikes fear is "canada"?
Y--
[ tenderloins laughing ]
Explain that away, buddy!
Let me explain.
Canada,
in terms of a.I.,
Uh, we all know there's
a large amount of, uh...
He's so flustered!
Take a sip
of water.
Okay, so we're
gonna switch over to...
Bring up the noise
so murr can't hear anymore.
...To technology now
that you might...
[ static buzzes ]
Children today will have over
, images of themselves
On the internet
by the time they get old.
How does that
make you feel?
They're not always
horrible pictures.
Okay.
Like birthday parties.
So, james, you know,
how does that make you feel?
Pontooned.
Pontooned.
Bring him down.
[ static quiets ]
...The study saying
that children today will have
Over , images of themselves
on the internet
By the time
they get old.
Yeah.
And you answered
"pontooned."
What do you mean?
Uh, pontooned,
meaning that...
Bring the noise up.
Bring the noise up.
In a very similar way...
[ static buzzes ]
Now you can't
hear what they're saying!
The boat has left the island,
so to speak,
Almost like
being pontoons.
So let me
stop you there.
We are freely
giving away our data.
If I could jump in.
If I could stop you there.
It's staggering,
the amount of privacy
That they give away
freely.
If I could just stop you
for a second --
You know, what it comes down to
is parental controls,
Ultimately.
Identity theft.
So, my grandmother
was actually a victim.
She got scammed
and she lost her savings.
So what's something
that you would do
To maybe help
my grandmother?
I think we all agree
it couldn't have happened
To a more deserving person.
I think we all agree
it couldn't have happened
To a more
deserving person.
What?
Yeah. [ scoffs ]
Okay, let him hear.
Let him hear.
My grandmother, again,
is the victim in the situation
With identity theft
and stealing all of her money.
Jesus christ.
You said it couldn't happen
to a more deserving person,
Meaning my -year-old
grandmother.
Yes.
Why?
Thirsty.
Alright,
next question.
Static back.
[ static buzzing ]
Okay, james, have you
ever sent an e-mail
That you
immediately regretted?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I agreed to be
on this panel.
I agreed to be
on this panel.
Excuse me?
That was the e-mail
you regretted?
Joe: Start clapping.
Alright.
Stand up
and walk out.
Casey: Let's talk about
some technology skills.
♪♪
09x15 - Food, Air, Toilet
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.