09x17 - Moist Richard

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up --
what's got prince herb

Dropping under the radar?

Just duck a little bit
when this passes.

[ laughter ]

Is q looking for
junk in the trunk?

[ laughing ] "I'm starting
to find trees sexy.

I need some."
"I need some."

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker
will have the tomatoes flying

In tonight's dramatic
punishment?

-We've seen enough.
-We've seen enough.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb:
Winter came like a banshee.

Guys, I'm a businessman,
and I'm freaking out.

Tomorrow's the pitch meeting
for our new inventions.

Well, don't worry, murr.
Lucky for us,

There'll be
an unsuspecting office worker

That we'll be able
to practice our pitch with.

Okay, but the twist is that we
have no idea what the product is

Because it's been made
by the other guys.

If they think
your product sucks, you lose.

-Oh, boy, look at this strut.
-Joe's got the - strut.

[ laughter ]

I mean, I'll be ready -- I'll be
ready for that pitch tomorrow.

No problems.

All right,
talk to you later.

-How you doing?
-Hi. How's it going?

-I'm hansel.
-Hansel. I love it.

Hansel, I gotta --
I got this side gig going on.

You wanna help me out
with something?
Yeah, sure.

-Come on over.
-Yeah.

Have a seat right here.

I'm gonna be pitching
a product

To the boss man tomorrow.
All right,
that would be nice.

So I'd love to, you know,
talk you through it,

Practice my pitch,
if you have any questions.
Yeah, sure.

Here we go.
Check this out.

Murr: That is a windshield-wiper
phone case.

[ laughter ]

So this is a windshield-wiper
phone case, okay?

This goes right
on your desk at work.

So this is
a space-saving device.

-[ laughing ] space-saving.
-[ laughs ]

Your phone goes
right in here.

There's a windshield wiper,

Just goes left to right
with your standard --

Yep, there you go.
Like that.

So it cleans nice and easy,
right?

But the other button
squirts the liquid.

Sometimes you've got
too much smudge, hansel,

And you want to give it
a real good sh*t.

You just push that.
Whoa. All right.

[ laughter ]

Hold the button down.

-Sounds really good.
-Okay.

[ laughter ]

It's -- you get wet.

Sorry. It's got...

There is a way to --
there is a way to adjust this

So it doesn't
come in so hot, yeah.

These are the same
windshield wipers on the iss.

And these are the same
windshield wipers on the iss,

The international space station.

All right. Oh.

You know,
all the liquid in space.

What else can I tell you
about it?

"it has a six-year warranty.
It should be good for three."

Six-year warranty
comes with it.

Good for three years.

[ laughter ]

"I know what
you're thinking."

So I know what
you're thinking, hansel.

"why not just use a cloth?"

Can't I just clean my phone
with a cloth?

Right.

It's not the same, though.
No, it's not the same.

Exactly right, yeah.

"do you think
somebody would buy it?"

Do you think so--
you think people will buy it?

Honestly.
I'm being honest, yeah.

Great.

[ sputters ]
come on, man.

Hey, scott. Yeah, no,
I just ran the presentation

By the guy here, hansel.

Yeah, I crushed that sh*t.

Murr: Well done, joe.

-All right.
-[ laughs ] yeah. There he is.

There's a man
who means business.

Look at him.
Here he comes.

Hello!
Hello.

What's up, baby?

[ laughter ]

Wow. Prince herb's
got that swag.

Can I ask your opinion
on something?
Absolutely.

If you want to take a second,
I'll show you.

I would love
your feedback.

All right.
By the way, you might want to
give her a pair

Of those safety goggles
we put for you.

Take one of those.

What is your name?
Kate.

Oh, hey, kate. Prince.
Prince.

Yeah, prince herb.
Prince herb?

Yes. All right, so...

That's the macrowave,
buddy.

Obviously you've heard
of the microwave.

Uh-huh.
Of course.

So this is the macrowave.

Q: I cooked everything
outside the microwave.

What you want to not cook,
you put inside the microwave.

It's very simple.

So you would set up dinner
on the table here, right,

In the plates
that they'd be served in.

Now, you turn on
the macrowave.

-Hit that button, buddy.
-And...

The macrowave is going to
send out waves

To cook like the microwave
does on the inside,

But it's going to cook
whatever food is

In the room on the table.

Just watch which direction
it turns, buddy.

But anything
in this sort of --

Just duck a little bit
when this passes, just...

[ laughter ]

sh**ting out death rays.

Basically, it's set it
and forget it.

That's what
we're aiming for here.

May I ask a question?
Please.

Is this safe
to have at home?

"as long as you're not
in front of it."

As long as you're not
in front of it, yeah.

So, across the street.

What's the problem most people
have with microwaves?

They break?
They break,

But everything
doesn't fit inside.

Oh, true that.
Okay. Yeah.
Right?

So this one,
we want to give speed

But we want to give volume,

Because if you're cooking
for a family of five,

You're not cooking that all
in the microwave.

Nice, prince herb!

Okay, so the people
at the pitch --

Are they gonna have to, like,
duck like this?

-They should.
-Oh, most definitely.

Yeah, they should.
Yeah, just...

[ laughter ]

And it's dangerous if
I have to keep ducking.

Only if you're in front of it,
so if you just duck right now

And you have the goggles on,
you're totally --

-Can we can we turn it off?
-"can we turn it off?"

Yeah, yeah,
I'll turn it off.

Let me -- let me -- let's take
our glasses off, yeah.

Okay, can I bring
the folders over here?
Yeah, please.

Okay, 'cause I need to --
I don't know --

She does not want to be
anywhere near this machine.

Yeah.
You can bring them over.

Yeah, I can do -- I can talk
to you from here.

[ laughter ]

Turn it on
and point it towards her.

[ laughter ]

I think what everybody is gonna
be concerned about

Is their safety.

-Right.
-It's aimed right at her.

You think safety
is the issue?

Do you have something that
you can -- macrowaves are like?

"it's like
four or five mris."

You've had an mri
in your life, maybe?
Yes.

It's about
four or five mris.

[ laughter ]

If I were to not duck...
Right.

...What would happen?
Why am I ducking?

"oh, you would cook."
[ laughs ]

Yeah, you -- well,
we don't want you to cook.

You understand what I mean?

You feel fine, right?

-I've been ducking.
-Yeah.

Joe: There's no way
prince herb is getting this.

"the question is simple -- do
you think my product is ready?"

Do you think it's ready
to pitch tomorrow?

Should I be postponing this?
Like...

Absolutely postpone it.

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
Point taken, kate.

[ buzzer ]

Murr: You lose, buddy.

-There he goes.
-Oh, yeah.

-Man on a mission.
-Ooh!

-Oh, hello.
-Hi. How are you?

Are you here
working today?
Yes.

-What is your name?
-Amber.

Amber, did you mind if
I run something by you?

Is that okay?
That's fine.

There you go, bud.

Tomorrow I'm pitching
a brand-new product

To the president
of the firm.

The product's
right behind you, buddy.

It is right here, and I know
what you're thinking --

What is that?
Let me tell you.

Here we go.
[ laughs ]

It is a tanning bed
for children.

[ laughter ]

You get it. You get it.

So, here they are.

Look at how happy and tan
these children are.

They look like a hot dog.

So, you know, we did
a lot of consumer testing,

And we found out that
out of children

Wish they were tanner,

But also are intimidated
by the size and heft

Of a typical
tanning machine.

You know, a child hates
sunscreen.

It gets in their eyes.
They cry. It hurts.

They don't understand it.
How do we fix that?

You get a base tan.
We all know this.

Now, I just have a question.
Yeah?

All kids are not, like,
the average height.

Some are a little. Larger.
Sure.

This is, like, gonna be
the typical size, or...

"comes in different models."

We would be manufacturing
different models,

From age through .
Okay.

Open it up, murr.
Open it up.

-Okay.
-There you go.

Joe: Murr, flip that switch on.
There's a light in there.

Oh!

I mean, that's just,
you know,

Uvs blasting right in
their young eyes, you know?

Just bombarding them

With high-quality
ultraviolet radiation.

We're trying to solve
pasty-white skin.

[ laughter ]

All right, murr, ask her
if she thinks it's ready.

So do you think --
do you think

This is a great product
to bring to market?

-Um...
-Come on, amber.

-Ah!
-Come on, amber.

-Yes.
-Yeah, great.

How can we accept
that response?

Thanks, amber.
Take care.

[ laughter ]

Joe: And there's the walk
of a champion.

-Murr.
-Yeah.

-I got a foolproof plan.
-Really?

-Wow.
-All right, there he is.

Aah! Wh-- oh!
[bleep]

[ laughter ]

I didn't know they brought
anybody in here.

You scared the [bleep]
out of me!

Ooh! How are you?

I'm well.
How are you?

He's trying to
elicit sympathy.

-Yes.
-Smart.

What is your name?
I'm sky.

Sky? I'm brian.

Tomorrow I'm showing my boss
a potential product.

And if you wouldn't mind,

I'd love to give you
the quick pitch and just --

You want to give me
a pitch?
Please. Have a seat.

Good job, q.

We'll just get right to it.
Okay.

And this is...

Q, that's the dustang.

This is the dustang.

[ laughter ]

-You get it?
-Nerd out.

[ laughter ]

Q: I'm showing my boss
a potential product.

Okay.
And this is...

Q, that's the dustang.

This is the dustang.

[ laughter ]

-You get it?
-Nerd out.

It's a dustang. Get it?
It's a -- I got it.

It's a dustbuster
and a mustang

Put together...
Wow. A dustang.

...To a dustang,
and it's just like...

It works and, uh,
you know, uh...

Great pitch so far.

Q: It teaches kids
how to clean

While they're playing
with a car.

And it's for ladies.
Got it.
Well...

-Oh!
-Oh, might be losing her.

[ laughing ]
I wouldn't have...

They certainly did
go out of their way

To put the sparkles
and the pink on it...
Yeah.

...Which would lend it
a certain feminine flair.
Right.

So why don't we
just go with that?
Okay.

So, what this is, is like --
it's a car, right,

For girls, 'cause, you know,
cars aren't just for boys...
That's right.

...But also,
at the same time...

"cleaning's not just
for girls."

...It trains children...
Okay.

...The future cleaners
of america.
To clean.

There'll be a male one, too.
There'll be a blue one.
Okay.

So it's not just
a sexist thing
that's good.

We'll put, like, spiderman
or some sh*t on it,

You know what I mean,
for the boys or, like,

You know, like,
a g*n f*ring off

And missiles
and stuff like that.

And, you know,
the boys' car, of course,

Would have a number on it,
the girls' number .

But, you know,
that's just...

-What?!
-Easy there, buddy.

Why would they be
number ?

No, they shouldn't.
Okay.

That's what I'm saying.

I think that's
what the prototype was,

And I think would be
the popemobile,

And then would be girls
and then boys.

-All right, yeah, something.
-Gross.

[ laughter ]

All right, q.
"is this a good product?"

So it's got -- you just --
you think that --

This is good, right?
I should --

You won't hurt my feelings.

This I should -- I should
present this to market?

Yeah, I bet they'd
like that.
Yeah.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Was that a yes? Are we giving
him a yes on that?

We know it's a no,
but she did say yes.

That's good enough for me.

[ laughter ]

Narrator:
Prince herb got cooked,

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Q and joe
are eligible bachelors,

And they need help
from a stranger

Filling out
their dating profiles.

The catch is I made his.

And I made his.

At the end, they'll ask
the person helping them

To rate their profile
on a scale from to ,

And whichever one of them
gets the lowest score loses.

What, does your zipper have
a dongle on it?

-What's going on with you?
-I liked it, no?

[ laughs ]

How's it going?
Good. How you doing?

Good. Very well, thanks.
I'm joe.
Duke.

Duke, good to see you, man.
Nice to meet you.

[ laughing ] so, joe and a guy
who's times cooler

Than he could ever
hope to be.

I was working
on my dating profile.
Mm-hmm.

I wanted to k*ll some time.

Do you want to give me
a little bit of...

Yeah, I got you.
I got you.

-Yeah.
-He's in.

I can actually cast to the tv.
I saw it there, so...

Murr:
All right, here we go.

So, uh, I put my tab
of footballbeerdogs.

Q: [ laughing ]
"footballbeerdogs."

[ laughter ]

Self summary --

"a kind, compassionate,
and loving person.

Estranged father of two
looking for a do-over."
mm.

"estranged father"!
"estranged."

Joe: Um, my best quality
is my muffin top.

Yeah. "grab a hold
and enjoy the ride."

I thought that --
I see you smile.

Yeah, no, that's gonna --
definitely gonna

Grab some attention.
That's right.

[ laughter ]

So the next one is,
"my perfect partner is..."

"they say guys like women
that remind them of their mom,

So a good cook,
loves kids and animals,

And bu-- and buxom."

[ laughter ]

What's a buxom body type,
specifically?

You know...
Yeah. All right.

She got them biddies,
you know what I'm saying?

No, I --
I catch your drift.

[ laughter ]

Well, "had." she's dead.

You know, she had them.
Um...

[ laughter ]

Okay, "my favorite memory
from my childhood is

Putting dead mice
on my shoulder so barn owls

Would kiss my cheeks
with their wings."

Prince herb: [ laughing ]
the smile is going south.

That one -- you see...

[ laughter ]

Duke, don't worry about.
We know.

They might see that
and be like,

"um, I don't know."

Right. That might be
a little too weird?

Yeah.

Should I not use
the word "dead"?

Put "mice"? Put "mice"?
Yeah.

Yeah, that got to go.

"dead"'s gotta go.
You're right.

"three things
I can never do without

Are food, air, toilet."
hey.

Yeah, I took that
pretty literally.

"well, I guess I could do
without a toilet,

'cause I could just
deposit wherever."

I mean, I guess -- if we're
gonna have to remove one,

You need food and air to live.
You don't need the toilet.

[ whiny voice ]
"but I need it."

[ whiny voice ]
but I need it.

[ normal voice ] I don't want
the toilet to turn people off.

Like, the food and air
you know you need.

[ whiny voice ]
but I need the toilet.

"my toily!"

You know,
everybody knows that.
Right. Absolutely.

But it's on the top of my list
'cause I need my "toily."

Yeah.

I call it "toily," too,
so I was gonna put "toily,"

But I don't think people
will know what that means.

If you do that...
Yeah.

...They're gonna be like...
Oh.

Yeah.
Conversation starter.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, yeah!
[bleep] toilet.

Yeah.
I'm gonna put "toily."

Yeah.

And that's it.

I mean, on a scale of to ,
what would you say this is?

How dateable am I
on a scale of to ?

I would say .
!

[ laughing ] oh!
Wow.

All right, awesome.
Nice meeting you, duke.

Thanks for the help, buddy.
I appreciate it.

-No problem.
-Take care.

I gotta use the "toily."

[ laughter ]

Joe: All right, q.

I mean, I can take it easy
back here, buddy.

Yeah, you did pretty good.

Flying high on my perfect
duke .

Man: You can just have
a seat on the couch.

-Okay.
-Hello.

-Hello.
-Oh, here we go.

Oh, I'm a little
embarrassed now.

Why?

Just filling out a, uh,
online dating thing.

Oh, don't be.

Listen, I just did one
the other day.

Did you? Oh, maybe you can
help me with this.

You want to give me
some advice on this?

-Okay, sure, sure.
-She's in.

-What is your name?
-Maya.

-Maya? I'm brian.
-Okay, nice to meet you.

-Right. Okay, so that's me.
-Okay.

-"mrhandsome."
-yes, yes.

"how I feel about myself."

Okay. So, my self summary,
I wrote,

"there's still time
to turn it all around."

[ laughter ]

'cause I figure, like,
somebody's gonna look at me,

They're gonna see flaws.
Mm-hmm.

But I'm gonna give
the impression that, "hey, man,

I could still turn
this mess around."

Yeah, mm-hmm.
You know?

"not much time."

Not much time.
I'm running out of time.

All right, here's why
I'm ready for a relationship.
Okay.

[ laughing ] "I'm starting
to find trees sexy.

I need some."
"I need some."

[ laughter ]

I was looking out at my yard,
and there's a tree out there

And it's got --
like, some curves?

Oh!

[ laughter ]

I figure
the truth is always funny.

You know what I mean?
Look at that thing.

So good.
You seem normal.

Oh, so far so good.
Uh, okay.

"my perfect partner is
chris jericho."

He'd be the best
tag-team partner ever.

[ laughter ]

I would love to wrestle
with that guy, man.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Pop a little of the bubbly,

Me and him get
in the ring together.
Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Oof! "I spend a lot of time
thinking about [chuckles]

If I..."

[ laughter ]

Oof! "I spend a lot of time
thinking about [chuckles]

If I clone myself
and fight myself,

Who would win?"

You think about that?

No, I've never thought
about that.

No? Do you think you could take
a clone of yourself in a fight?

You know what?
I think the clone would win.

Really?
Because I can't fight.

But then neither would
your clone be able to.

Yeah, but I feel like
the clone would have

A little more something,
you know?

Oh, like they put in
a little woodpecker dna.

Suddenly it's like, "bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang!"

I'm sorry.
Did you say, "woodpecker dna"?

What is --
what is going on?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Whenever you're ready to
get back to the dating profile,

Buddy, [laughs]
we're all set.

Oh, all right, wow.

"me, a haiku.

Bulging at the seams."

You read it.
Let me hear how it sounds.

"bulging at the seams.

Is it a rotting pumpkin,
or is it just me?"

[ laughter ]
oh, I like it.
I like it. [ laughs ]

Oh, my god!
What else can we do?

She might get you.

So on a scale of to ,
what do you think this is?

I'm not even gonna lie.
Don't lie.

If I was looking at this,
I would be like,

", boom, message."

All: Whoa!

He had to a perfect score,
and he did it.

Well, that feels
pretty good.

Wow!

Narrator:
Joe and q are perfect s,

Making prince herb
tonight's big loser.

-All right!
-Yes!

Prince herb is our loser,
so today for your punishment,

We decided to book you
a huge audition.

-That's right.
-An audition.

You're gonna be playing the role
of pompous jerk

Auditioning for a tv show.
Got it, okay.

All you got to do
is act like we tell you to

In front of
the casting director.

You're not gonna
get the part.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, we have
all different things here

That we're kind of
reading for.

So the casting assistant's job
is just to read the script.

Murr: Meghan and johnna
are producers on our show,

And they can hear
everything we say.

-Hi.
-Hi. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

"my, what a lovely
ragtag bunch we have here."

What a lovely ragtag bunch
we have here today.

[ laughter ]

And what's your name?

Murr: "if you don't know
my name,

You're clearly
in the wrong business."

I mean, [chuckles]

If you guys
don't know my name,

You're clearly
in the wrong business.

[ laughter ]

-I'm meghan.
-Hi, how are you, meghan?

-I'm marla.
-Marla, pleasure.

-And johnna.
-Johnna. Got it.

Prince herb, you just have
this little thing that you do

To memorize people's names.

You make a little song
out of their names.

-[ laughs ] yeah.
-Yeah.

So we're gonna be reading
"bro hall."

♪ meghan went down
to the shore ♪

♪ she saw marla and johnna ♪

[ laughter ]

That's how I remember names.
Sorry.

"okay, maureen,
whenever you're ready."

[ laughter ]

♪ meghan went down
to the shore ♪

♪ she saw marla and johnna ♪

[ laughter ]

That's how I remember names.
Sorry.

"okay, maureen,
whenever you're ready."

[ laughter ]

Whenever you're ready,
maureen.

-Great. Let's get into it.
-Okay.

"sorry. Who's chewing gum?
Someone's chewing gum."

I'm sorry. Who -- is someone --
who's chewing gum?

Is someone chewing gum?

Are you chewing gum?
So, no gum?

"if you wouldn't mind
spitting that the [bleep] out."

If you wouldn't mind
spitting that the [bleep] out,

That'd be great.

[ laughter ]

"interior, interrogation room.
Two detectives walk in."

By the way,
you're a street thug --

Latino in the script.

Hola, angel. I'm fuentes.
We're here to talk.

[ latino accent ]
I love talking, ese.

Did you bring
what I asked for?

I like to have a little pastry
with my bacon.

Oink, oink, oink,
muchachos.

[ laughter ]

Great kills bait and tackle.
Sound familiar?

That's where I get my bait
[chuckles] and tackle.

You want to talk
where I get my pizza?

It's at the pizzeria.

Stop smiling, you wet snake.

I guess that makes you
the good cop, fuentes?

"fuentes stands up
and..."

[ laughter ]
look at him!

So, I was at the
bait and tackle shop, big whoop.

I like to fish.
[ speaks spanish ]

El es estupido.

Oh, by the way, we put some
spanish in there for you, buddy.

Mi madre
[speaks halting spanish]

[ laughter ]

-We have other scripts.
-Oh, okay, okay, okay.

-Yeah.
-"resurrection moon"?

Oh, yeah. So that'll be
script...Four, marla?

Joe: Talk to the reader.
"feeding off your energy."

I just -- I'm feeding
off your energy, you know?

"so good but not great."

So good, not great.

[ laughter ]

Winter came like a banshee.

[ laughter ]

Show me what it feels like.

"I'm sorry, could you stop
clicking your tongue?"

Sorry, can you just
not click your tongue?

Because then
it throws off my reading.

-"he grabs her shoulders."
-perform with your back to them.

[ laughter ]

I no more a farmer than you was
a dancer on the great white way.

-Um, prince herb?
-Yes.

Sorry, you've cheated
all the way kind of around.

Show me what it feels like
to die.

Oh, by the way, in the script,
sal's a vampire.

[ thick accent ] I would never
do this to thee.

You can't read this line
slow enough.

I...Am...Miserable...

[ laughter ]

...Beyond all living...
Things.

Finish fast.

[ speaks quickly
and indistinctly ]

[ laughter ]

Start sprinkling in
some curses.

What did [bleep] they say?

[ laughter ]

Let me be like you.

I will not [bleep]
hear thee!

[ laughter ]

[ normal voice ] would you like
me to read anything else?

"yeah. Could you do that but
more like a 'twilight' vampire?"

I was wondering if
we could do it more like

A "twilight" vampire?

"rippling abs, no shirt
kind of thing."

Rippling abs, no shirt
kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ laughter ]

Yeah, you got the right guy.
Yeah.

"I'm gonna need more
from her in the middle, though."

I will need -- I-I, yeah.
[speaks indistinctly]

I will need more from
[chuckles] marla in the middle,

A little "hit me there"
but, you know,

We'll get there together,
you know what I'm telling you?

God bless everybody.
You know what?

I'm want to do
an improv scene.

[ laughing ] oh, yeah?

And don't worry about the lines,
just the heart.

Am I the character
that I just was?

You're a young, hip, sexy
vampire.

It's still gonna be?
It's still gonna be the --

Got it, okay.

Meghan, just say, "abs."

-Abs.
-Yep.

[ laughter ]

Zevine, where are you?

What do you mean, marla?

Where aren't I?
[ laughter ]

I want to be with you.

"for real? Do you mean for real?
Or are you saying just..."

That was -- was that for real
that you...?

[ laughter ]

No. We're acting.
We're acting?

We're acting.
That was good,

'cause I was feeling like --
that was great.

Got it. I get this now.
Okay, get it.

Zevine, where are you?

Marla, I've been here
the whole time.

Meghan, say, "hipper."

Hipper.
Mm-hmm.

Marla, I've been here
the whole time, girl.

-"more hip."
-more hip.

-What?
-More hip.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.
[ laughter ]

Where am I?

-"abs."
-abs.

Yep.

[ laughter ]

Where am I?

I've been here
the whole time.

-We've seen enough.
-We've seen enough.

Oh!

Okay.

Thank you.
Have a good one.

-Thanks very much.
-Thanks for coming through.

Have a good day.

"he was young enough
and he was hip enough,

But I don't know
if he was sexy enough."

I mean, he was young enough,
he was hip enough,

But I'm not sure
if he was sexy enough.

Not for me, but...

[ laughter ]

Prince herb, burst back in.

I can't let you go, girl.

There's only one thing
I have to say.

-We're good, thanks.
-Thanks.

Thank you, thank you.

[ laughter and applause ]