Threeway (2019)

[bunniefuu]

[Sam chuckling]

[Chloe] What are you
thinking about?

Your nipples.

Shut up.

- What?
- Stop it.

- I am.
- You're a little sh*t.

They're lovely nipples.

Damn skippy, sir.

Damn skippy?

[Sam sighs]

Make love to me, girl.

Oh, mister, can I
have my candy now?

Ew! Ew, ew. [grumbles]

[kisses]

This is the life.

I got my girl on one arm, a
frozen pizza in the fridge.

And your sister on my other arm.

Hi, Catherine, how's it goin'?

Sam, she is six
months pregnant!

When will we?...

Sam.

We won't have to use a condom.

Ew!

And all that woman, just.
[groans]

If you ever wanna see
me naked again,

you're gonna stop talking
about my sister.

[laughing]
Hey!

Sorry, you're right.

That was rude of me.

I don't know what came
over me and yow-za!

Cheater, cheater,
cheater, cheater, cheater.

Stop, stop, stop, okay, okay.

Okay, you win.

[kisses]

I will never again-
So, yes?

I will never again
sneak a peek

at your bodacious bod
without your consent.

Darn tootin'.

In fact, I will try, nay, shall,

keep thy virginal flesh-
What?

You said about me.

Thy virginal rump safe from
all prying perverted eyes and-

Oh, would you look at that?

They're so pert and n-
[blowing raspberry]

How dare you.
You love it.

Dammit.

[laughing]

Can I ask you something?

[Sam groans]

Hm?

Sure.

Is a threeway something
you would want?

- Nope, not touching that one.
- What?

Nope, not playing that game.

No, no, no, come on, come on,
come on.

Tell me what you honestly think.

Not a chance, no. Nope, sorry.

Oh, really?

[kissing]

Ah you are some kind of...

No, no, you can't.

I can, I did.

Spill.

You are evil.

- No I'm not.
- Yes you are.

- No I'm not.
- Yes you are.

Come on, tell me.

Fine.

I guess I could see the
appeal for most guys.

Obviously.

I just, I don't know, I feel
like at this point in my life,

it just seems a little selfish?

Immature.

There are all these girls that
are out there with these guys

who don't realize how
wonderful, sexy, funny,

currently naked they
happen to be.

I mean, all they think
about is just trying

to throw another girl on top.

I mean, those guys have no idea

how to perform in that situation

and in a relationship
that seems particularly...

Some get hurt.

Some get jealous.

So no, Miss Mancini, I
do not want a threeway.

Thank you very much.

[Chloe laughs]

Hm.

Because I thought it could
be kind of hot.

On the other hand...

♪ Ah ♪
[dramatic guitar music]

So um, guy or girl?

Both?

Might have to force them.

No, no, no.

I meant like one with you and
another girl, and then, um,

one of you and a guy?

Or the other one first.
I don't know.

What do you think?

What?

Ooh, you were hoping I
was going to give you

an all you could eat
p*ssy buffet.

No, god, Jesus.

No, I didn't want that,
I'm just...

Look, you're just, you're
not doing this

so you can f*ck someone else,
right?

[people chattering]

- Are you not okay with this?
- No, of course I am.

I mean, why wouldn't I be?

It's just different.

[people chattering]

Hm.

So how would you
like to do this?

Friends? Strangers?

Professionals?
Professionals?

Like a hooker?

Yeah, I mean they would
know what they're doing.

I'm sure they do, but,

baby, it's just sex, you know,
plus one.

It really shouldn't be
too hard to figure out.

I mean, do you really want
a prost*tute in our bed?

I mean-
I'm not saying

we pick up a little girl on
the street turning tricks.

I mean, certainly not
a little girl,

but I mean, I'm not saying we
pick up some street walker,

you know, we just, we get
a kind of professional

who's professional about
this kind of thing.

Okay, well I appreciate
the distinction,

but that seems like it
would be a lot of effort,

not to mention money.

And I just don't think
it would really feel,

like, genuine,
[chuckles] you know?

I guess.

So...

We can put an ad online.

Are there places we
can do that?

It's the internet, so, yeah.

[Chloe chuckles]

All right.

Okay.

Where, do you think?

Uh...

Well, you know, classifieds,
forums, something like-

- [Chloe] I swear to
god, if you post an ad

in the Marvel forums-
Okay, okay.

Fine, fine, fine.

Craigslist then.

Oh god really? Oh, won't
we get a lot of pervs?

As opposed to the
fine, upstanding citizens

who troll the internet
looking for someone

to have a threesome with?
Shut up.

No, it's like if we had a kid

and we were vetting a
babysitter or a nanny.

Right. Except we want
to f*ck them.

Exactly. So how is
it different?

Fine. All right.

I guess we can give it a
sh*t and see how it goes.

Right, I don't even know
how to approach

our friends about it.

[Sam] What do you mean?

Well, like, if we
want to do this

with someone we already know.

[Sam scoffs]

[Same] Yeah. I have no idea.

Which ones would be
interested, do you think?

[All] Me, me, me, me.

- Come on me.
- Me.

- Come on.
- Me.

- How long have you known me?
- Me!

How long have you
known me? Kindergarten.

- Me!
- Look at the g*ns.

Come on.
Me!

Well, I'll think about it.

You think some more, too.

[Sam] Mm-hm.

Can we get the check please?

So which one of my friends
do you want to f*ck?

Uh...

[Chloe] So there's an
old fashioned way

to talk a stranger
into a threesome?

[Sam] I'm just saying
it's gonna be easier

to talk a guy into
wanting to f*ck you.

Okay, look, for the last
time he is not f*cking me,

he is f*cking us.
Okay, so we're clear,

he's f*cking you because
as open minded as I am,

I'm neither ready nor
willing to take a d*ck.

Two palms, please.

Fine.

But you will
nevertheless be there

with him and me in close,
sweaty, ball slapping proximity.

And trust me, there are
not so many guys excited

by that proposition as
you seem to think.

In any case, I think
both of us are a little

out of practice at
picking people up at bars.

Ha.

I was in practice?

So she's kinda chatting away

and I'm working on her leg,
right?

And she suddenly drops
in, "You have sexy hands."

- Bullshit.
- Awkward.

[Joe] Nice.

Not nice.

I mean, look, she's not
lying, right ladies?

But a middle-aged
professional softball umpire

while on the clock?

No f*ckin' thank you.

What's a softball empire doing

getting a massage on the clock?

[upbeat music]

So what happened?

Well, I just kind of mutter
a thank you and keep going.

I mean, what else am I
supposed to do?

- Well, you could always-
- Incorrect.

- All right.
- Okay.

[laughing]

So she's quiet for a minute

and then she starts
chatting again

and then she f*ckin'
freaks me out again.

How?

Well I'm working on her arm,
right?

And I glance down at her face
and she's giving me that look.

What look?

That look that look that says

I want to get filled
out like an application

and you have good penmanship.

[laughing]
Right?

- k*ll yourself.
- And that's not all.

She's making eyes at me, right?

And she f*ckin' winks.

Wow winking, what a slut.

Mm, gettin' hit on by
the older ladies.

Well done, sir.

Much older, f*ck
you very much.

Ew, who would do that?

I know, hitting on Ian.
[laughing]

Oh, f*ck you, too.

Yo, you can't blame a honey
for wanting a happy ending.

[Kaitlin] How lovely.

And then there was this
moment where I could have sworn

her hand was like right about
to make a move for my D,

and then she just brought it
right back at the last second.

And she's an umpire?

She should've unzipped
you right there

and reached in and
said you're out!

♪ New Zealand ♪
[upbeat music]

Okay. I'm going to
step out for a second.

You comin'?

I'm comin',

Ooh, love birds.

Yeah, can't they do
anything on their own?

[laughs]

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

Drinks!

Yeah.

[Alex] Come on. Come, come,
come.

So she tipped me like
seven percent,

which is like ridiculous for
that long of a procedure.

I told the front desk I
never want to see

that crazy broad again.

f*ck.

So what's been up with you, man?

Nothing just uh...

You seem a little off, even
by my low standards for you.

[Sam laughs]
Yeah, it's um,

it's something with Chloe,
it's not a big deal.

What, is it the
money thing still?

'Cause we thought we were past-

- No, no, no, no. I'm
good with that, I think.

Well then what?

Did you call her fat?

Did you knock her up?

I'm the godfather even
if you abort.

Keep the little guy
in a mason jar.

Jesus! No, God.

She says she's bisexual.
[scoffs]

Uh, okay?

What do you mean she
says she's bisexual?

Oh you know what I mean.

She says she's bi
because that's what

every guy wants to hear.

She likes eating p*ssy as
much as I like sucking d*ck.

I love giving head.

Yeah, I don't mind it.

That is not the point.

How is an honest girl
supposed to compete with that?

Uh, hon, I'm still not
on the same page here.

Oh, please.

That's every guy's fantasy,
a girl who likes girls, too.

It makes them think that they
can get two girls at once,

but it's not real.

Um...

Chloe wants to
have a threeway.

Okay, f*ck you for
spending one g*dd*mn second

being bothered by that, man.

That is a beautiful thing.

What an assh*le.

Sorry.

- Wait, guy or girl?
- Both.

- That's a fourway, genius.
- Not at the same time.

It's one girl and she wants
to try one with another guy.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Dibs.
- What?

Nobody doesn't, nobody
actually has a threesome.

Esther did.

Oh yeah, in college.
Like that counts.

We're adults now. We don't
get drunk and experiment.

Think about it, do
you want some stranger

lying on top of Chloe,
sweating on her, moaning,

thrusting his
unfamiliar cock into her

or eating that puss like a
hobo with a ham sandwich?

Or do you want me?

Think about it?

All right, why don't
we put on a strong face.

I'll order some more,
more drinks

and I'll go American History X

on that with these boots.

Bam.

- They are pretty cute boots.
- I know, right?

Okay.

I gotta be right back.
Okay.

[upbeat music]

So when did you have
a threesome?

- What?
- You acted all offended

when she hated on threesomes,
like you took it personally.

What?

No. No, no, no, no.

Nothing like that.
It's something like that.

Okay, I have to tell
you something.

Oh my god, here it is.

You cannot tell anybody.

- Can I tweet it?
- I'm serious, Alex.

It was like 127 Hours
except nobody was trapped.

Like seriously, loosest
p*ssy I ever felt.

- Kaitlin?
- Yeah, man.

Yeah, it's like
f*cking a fish t*nk.

[laughs]

When did you sleep with her?

- Your Halloween party.
- At your Halloween party.

Like at the same time?

Practically.

- Boom.
- Boom.

- We were like a tag team.
- Yeah.

Except I did power b*mb her.
That was probably too rough.

And that's
probably why she now

is having feelings for
this little guy,

Which reminds me, Sam is
going to let me bang Chloe.

Dude!

- What?
- What?

Yeah. Sam and Chloe,
threeway with this guy.

First of all, shut up.

Second of all, you have
not been, will not be,

and are not invited to this
thing even if it ever happens.

Totally invited to be
part of the thing.

I'm confused.

Real quick, because she's
going to be back soon,

Chlo wants to have a threesome
with a guy and a girl.

Wait, that's a foursome.

- Not at the same time.
- Shut up!

Okay, look, it's not,
we haven't decided yet

who or rules and
they're coming back,

so everyone, I don't
wanna hear a word of it.

No.

[Chloe] What are you
boys gossiping about?

Legos!

Favorite as a kid.

I got your back, man.

♪ Everything is gonna
glow in the afterglow ♪

- Come on.
- No.

- Come on!
- No!

- Stacy.
- Nope.

- Ester.
- Stop.

Look, I know you've got
a thing for Asian girls.

Those sites are educational
and cultural and...

Come on, Sam. Sam.

I just want you to tell
me which one of my friends

you want to f*ck.
[Sam groans]

Come on, Sam.

Why are you asking?

[Chloe sighs]

Okay, look, I've been
thinking about

our proposed sex-periment-
Please don't call it that.

And I really think we would be

more comfortable with a friend.

- A friend?
- Yes.

Someone we see regularly?

- Yes.
- To have sex with us.

Glad to see you're
following me.

Now the question is which one?

I mean, come on, look, I have
given you a digital plethora

of women to choose from.

Just point, click and...

You know they still haven't
actually agreed to this right?

Details, details.
Come on pick!

f*ck you, Zuckerberg.
[Chloe chuckles]

Okay.

So if I choose someone,

you have to promise not
to get angry.

- Why would I get angry?
- Why do you get angry

when I leave the toilet seat up?

I don't know.
Because it's rude

and inconsiderate and
shows a complete lack

of decency and respect.

You are so cute when
you're terrified.

[laughing]

Come on, come on.

Pick a friend, any friend.

All right.

How about Shayna?

Oh, you like Shayna do you?

- Not more than you.
- Yeah, so does her boyfriend.

Well then...

Yeah, this is big
enough as it is.

I don't think we're really
ready for a fourway, do you?

[moaning]
[grunting]

You know, is it just
me or did it feel like

it was lasting longer
when you weren't directly-

- When you weren't
directly comparing it?

Right, exactly?

Daddy!

No, let's just stick
to the threeway, thanks.

You got it, stud.

I am a stud.

Of course you are.

[kisses]

Pick.

Mm.

Lordes?

Lordes?

No?

You want to take Lordes
into the bedroom with us?

Uh, no, I was just kidding.

It's just, just comedy, and...

No, wait, no babydoll.

Babydoll, wait.
No, don't babydoll me, okay?

I'm sorry.

I would never want to
do things with people I-

- No, no, no. You know what?

It's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

No, I know what it is you
want now and it's disgusting.

I'm sorry, it's disgusting.

I can't do this, I can't
even be with you anymore

and I am totally f*cking
with you again. [laughs]

You are too easy.
Yeah, so is your mom.

Oh, and it bounces back.

Esther.

I'll give her a call.

Seriously?

I'll invite her
over for drinks.

Not gonna ask her
on the phone?

Yeah, Sam, yeah.

Write me the phone conversation

where I invite her over
to come have sex with us.

Hey girl, just wondering,
you know,

you want to come
over and fulfill

a sexual fantasy for Sam and I?

How's eight o'clock for you?

Oh my god, that's so good.

You never should have
given up on your novel.

[Chloe laughs]

Okay. I'm
officially creeped out.

- What?
- Why?

Well it could be the
fact that you two

have been staring at me fidgeting
for the last 20 minutes.

Oh.

Oh well, that's because we uh-
Have bedbugs.

What?

What?

Why would you invite me over?

No, no, no, Esther,
he's kidding. [chuckles]

Aren't you?

Yes?

Yes. I'm just joking, you know.

One of those famous jokes
I'm known for.

Bedbug humor, I know, it's
edgy, but I'm just that raw.

That's not funny, man.

My cousin Christopher
got the bedbugs.

Ate his face.

Seriously?

No. [laughs]

So why are you two both
spazzing so much?

Well we wanted to know

if you would like to, um...

Play Parcheesi.

No.

No? Well...

I'm uh, I, uh...

Hey hon?
Yes, sweetpea?

Can you help me find
the thing in the-

- In the bathroom?
- Yeah.

That's really high up
so we need two people.

- Yeah.
- So yeah, let's go.

- Okay.
- All right.

We'll be back.

- Oh god, this is so hard.
- That's what she...

Okay. How do you, how
do you do this?

What?

How do you get girls to
sleep with you?

- I don't know.
- Come on, you have to know.

What usually works for you?

Uh...

I'll give you money!

Uh, I have no idea.

Well, what did you do for me?

Hm.

Hi, Chloe.

Catch!
[Chloe gasps]

Okay, you hold her down,

I'll give her a
judgment-impairing concussion.

Break!

No, we're not doing that.

What usually works for you?

We want you to have
sex with us.

Smooth.

[Esther] What?

Well, uh, Sam and I
have been talking

and we decided that we
want to try a threesome

and we want you to be the
other girl. [chuckles]

Yay.

You guys have been
talking about f*cking me?

No, not f*cking.

Making love.

Banging.

[Esther] Well, I guess
I should be flattered.

- You're welcome.
- Oh, didn't say thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.

Okay, sweetie. It's
quiet time for you.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Look, Esther.

This is something- [sipping]

This is something that
we really want to try

and we feel, you know,
comfortable with you.

[Esther] Right.

I mean, you, you are
so attractive.

Oh.

- Oh, I know.
- And we just think

that you would be perfect.
Mm.

You want me to let your
boyfriend put his d*ck in me

because I'd be perfect?

No, no, no, not
the whole time.

And actually we didn't even
really discuss that part yet.

I mean, that's be-
Now is not the time.

When exactly is the
time? I mean, I'm here.

Wouldn't this discussion
kind of involve me?

- Well yes and no.
- Yes and no?

Well we're not dating you.

This is more between Sam
and I with you thrown in.

[Esther] Oh.

Yeah, see, I'm not
really interested.

Oh.

Oh, well, wait, wait, Esther.

I really didn't mean it
like that. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, you did.

It's fine.

I'm okay. I'm going to
get over it, but, no.

[Chloe sighs]

[upbeat music]
[people chattering]

So why are we
doing this again?

How's this work?

You sound like exposition.

Your mom sounds
like exposition.

Ha, classy.

All right, look, look,
we're at a bar, all right?

You look for a girl, I'll
look for a guy

and whoever gets someone
to come home with us first

gets the threeway first.

You realize how unfair
that is, right?

- Why?
- Hey, honey.

How's it going?
I'm standing right here.

Yeah.

Oh hey, man, I'm sorry.

My gay cousin's right
in the back.

b*at it, hombre.

Your loss.
[Chloe scoffs]

See, I'd be more annoyed if
he didn't just prove my point.

Okay, look, look.
How about this?

How about I go back outside

and give you a 20
minute headstart?

Fair?

You're vastly overestimating
my abilities here.

I have faith you'll do good.

All right. I understand.

I should have given you
a time to relax

so you can properly
absorb Enrique.

I am literally kissing
him currently.

That's okay, sweetheart.
[Chloe scoffs]

- Not him?
- Not him.

Not me, what?

I will cut your
f*cking balls off.

Mm.

Feisty.

Good luck.

[synth pop music]

Hi.

Hi. [chuckles]

Can I buy you a drink?

Grey Goose and cranberry.

Double.

[upbeat acoustic music]

[Chloe sighs]

Oh, are we going...

Yeah, no, let's get a booth.
It's quieter.

[Woman] Hey, sorry.

I know, ooh, he's coming.

So I'm Sam and I was
just wondering if-

- Yeah, actually, I
was just going to enjoy

this drink with my friend.

Oh.

[people chattering]

[Chloe laughs]

Stupid pigs.

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

[sensual music]

[people chattering]

Ooh.

[upbeat music]

Hi, baby.

How's it going?

I think I need more money.

Oh, so I'm guessing
you struck out?

Repeatedly.

Well, feel free to keep trying,

but your headstart is
officially over.

[kisses]

[upbeat music]
[people chattering]

Gin and tonic, please.

That's on me.

Thanks.

- What's your name?
- Chloe.

I'm Chad.

Well, thanks for the drink,
Chad.

Yeah, you like that drink?

Yeah, it tastes like
Christmas trees. [chuckles]

Christmas trees?

What do you taste like?

[upbeat music]
[people chattering]

Hey. [chuckles]

Hello.

Seriously? Not even
gonna look at me?

I mean, I am a human
being, you know? Okay?

Don't you think that's
a little rude?

Because I do.

I think it's very rude, in fact.

Okay, fine, I get it.

You're the hot girl at the bar.

You don't have to talk to me.

Just stop ignoring me!

Oh, god.

Hi.
Hi.

- How's it going?
- Just, not actually that-

- Great!

Hey, what's your favorite food?

- Sushi.
- Raw fish.

Hell of a thing.

No actually raw
fish is sashimi-

- Culture, what do you know?

Something new every day.

Listen, I need to talk
to you about something.

So what do you do?

I'm a personal
trainer for stars.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What, like space?

Space? No, not like space.

- I'm kidding.
- I know.

Uh, celebrities.

Like who?

Well, I don't want to
brag, but you'd be surprised.

I promise I won't tell.

Oh? Okay.

See, I don't know if I
can trust you, though.

What?
[laughing]

I am insulted.

No.
All right, well, look.

Why don't you tell me one
of your secrets

and I'll tell you mine?

- I guess that sounds fair.
- Mm-hm.

What do you wanna know?

Hm.

What do you wanna tell me?

So you want me to have sex
with you and your girlfriend?

Not necessarily.

You just need to seem
like you want to

long enough for us to
leave this bar.

As soon as we're out of here,
you can change your mind

and then you can bail
if you don't want to.

Wait, do you want to?

I haven't completely ruled
out the possibility yet.

[Sam laughs]

You're f*cking with me, right?

Not yet. [laughs]

You're very sure of yourself.

That's not a secret.

Okay.

I need to tell you something.

Okay.

[Sam] So you? Mm?

Look, look, I was supposed
to meet a date here, right?

He was supposed to be here

like more than an hour ago,
you know?

Didn't call, no tags, just like,

didn't show up, you know,
and that hurt.

So, you...

You just, you came
right up to the sad girl

at the bar, you know,
no hesitation.

Uh...

Okay.

Well, if you want to
bring a girl, that's fun,

but look, if you got me, you
don't need the other guy.

No, it's not...

This is what we're doing.

So then why you're
talking to me, hm?

I told you.

We want to try out this idea

because we think it could be,
you know-

- Yeah, better.

Right, more exciting,
more invigorating.

And you're right, it can be.

Just, um, with me.

[Chloe chuckles]

Look, um...

I love my boyfriend.

Okay, all right.

All right.

Do you want to say it a
little louder

so he can hear you over there?
[laughs]

I'm kidding.

You know what? It's fine.

Just, all right.

Look, when this is all over,

here you go, just give
me a call, all right?

Oh my god and you
listened to me like,

pour my heart out with
such compassion.

- Of course I did.
- Yeah.

I mean, I like, I want to
make it up to you, Sam.

What?

Well, anytime you need
a shoulder to cry on,

I am there for you, Tr...

[Woman] What's my name?

Of course I know your
name. That's silly.

I've been listening to you

pour your heart out
the whole night.

I'd be a real d*ck if I
didn't know your name.

[Woman] No seriously,
what is it?

I know it, I do.

You just got me
excited with all the

oh my god we're gonna
have a threesome.

It's like a breast octopus and-

- No, no, listen.

You restored my faith in men,
Sam.

Don't take that away from me,
okay?

What's my name, Sam?

What is it?

Deloris.

[upbeat music]

[hitting]
[Sam yells]

[Sam groaning]

It's Miranda.

[kisses]

What the f*ck?

Ah!

[Chloe] You okay, honey?

[Sam groans]

Just ducky, honey.

[Chloe] You sir, are a stud.

Help me.

[Chloe chuckles]
Okay.

Come on.

[Sam groans]

Well she was a lovely girl.

Oh, you are so funny.

Let's sit down.
I'm sorry, I'll be nice.

Not seriously, I've
got to sit down.

I gotta sit down.
Okay, okay, okay.

Oh.

[grunts]

Ooh, you girls are lucky.

You missed out on the whole
external genitalia thing.

[sighs]

'Cause let me tell you,
it's not just the hit.

I mean that hurts, but
it's the reverberations,

just like pain, ping ponging
through your testicles

like a wave of nut sack terror

and making you kind of nauseous,
a little.

Maintain...

Maintain...

How about we get you to bed,
huh?

I don't think I'll be
any use to you there.

I'll live.

[soft acoustic music]

Come on.

Oh god.
You're okay.

[Chloe laughs]

You're being dramatic.
Oh no, I'm not.

- It's the internet.
- Exactly.

We're looking for real
sex from the internet,

which I don't know if you
have a lot of experience with,

but let me tell you, I don't.

I just, but I've heard
it's very shady and such.

Nice save.

- Ah, thank you.
- Look, it's something

that we should at least
consider, okay?

[Sam groans]

All right, a loving
couple looking for...

What are we looking for?

Hot chick with big old boobs?

No, come on, fair is fair.

There is a hairy penis.

Yeah, like yours is so smooth.

That's not the...

Wait, do I have a hairy d*ck?

Looking for a man or woman
for playful experimentation.

- I'm serious.
- Must be clean,

discreet and understanding.

I'm a little alarmed that
you're dodging the question.

Please send picture
and information

and we'll get back to you.
Do I have Wookiee d*ck?

I'm nervous.
I'm excited.

Which one is this again?

This is the Taiwanese gymnast.

I'm excited.
[Chloe chuckles]

I can tell.
[laughing]

[Sam] So when's she
getting here?

Hi.

- Hello.
- Can we help you?

ExperimentTemptation?

What?

That was our internet handle.

How does he know that?

And why was that our
internet handle?

I'm sorry? Who are you?

UdonKitty46.

You showed us this picture.

Yep.

You guys want pancakes?

[soft music]

Do you know what would
be really hot?

You two, me and my dad.

And when you first
go in, it's just like-

- Okay well his skin is so soft.

I'm telling you, his skin
is so soft, seriously.

[Sam] Taylor?

Hi. What's going on?

Hey, you like
double penetration?

Well hello there.

Hi. Is this in
response to the ad?

- That it is.
- Well, great.

My name is Chloe and
this is my boyfriend, Sam

and what we're really
looking for is someone-

- I have a 15-inch penis.

15-inch...

Penis. Yes, thank you.

I know.

You just let it sink
in for a second there.

Hey yo! [laughs]

Whoa.

That doesn't sound too bad.
That is way too big.

Oh, thank God.

[Man] What?

That's like too much
for a vag*na to handle.

I've never had any complaints.

That's because they
go into shock

After you ruptured
their kidneys.

15 inches?

Is that like metric
or something?

No, take your $5 foot long
and add three more inches.

How?

Eh, good genes, man.

No, I mean like how
do you walk?

I walk with a cane.

That's like a disability, man.

Do you know anyone
who could actually take?

- Well, I think I've just met-
- No.

Okay, no, I guess I don't, no.

When was the last
time you got laid?

You mean like with an
actual person?

Sure.

[sobbing]

Aww.
Aww.

Hey, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's all right, buddy, it's-

Ah.
[man sobbing]

That was a disaster.

God.

My shoulders are so tight.

Really?

[Chloe chuckles]

Sam, if you think I am in
the mood after all of that,

you've got another thing...
Shh.

Oh my god, never
stop doing that.

- That good, huh?
- Oh, well you're not Ian but-

- I'll stop.
- No, no, keep rubbing.

Keep rubbing.

Please.
Keep rubbing what?

[Chloe sighs]

Keep rubbing, Cock Master.

Mm-hm.

Of the Ages, sorry, oh
Cock Master of the Ages.

[Sam] Credit where
credit is due.

Mm, due it is.

[moaning]

Condom?

Well I was thinking of
starting with a little bit-

- Oh you will start with,

but the way I'm feeling tonight,

you don't grab it now,
it's not getting used.

[Sam] Gotcha.

[laughing]

I'm jumping.

Hey, hon, question.

[Chloe] Ooh, I like this game.

No, um, I was thinking,

when we have our thingy,

we should probably have,
like, multiple condoms, right?

Wait, what?

Well I was thinking like
I would go from

inside you into girl X.

That seems a little...

You okay with that?

Oh, you're...

You're going to have
like actual sex with her?

Not...

Was that not the idea?

No it was just that I assumed,
um...

So you wanna f*ck her?

Whoa, hold on, we don't
even have like a her yet.

No, I know, I know, I know.

But whatever her you
want to be inside of her?

It's a thought.

I mean, no, you can tell me.

Just be honest with me.
I won't be mad.

See, I'm not entirely
positive that that's true.

No, really. Tell me.

Yes, I would.

I would like that.

- Huh?
- Oh no.

- What?
- That huh, what was that?

No, it's nothing.

It's nothing, it's just...

Okay, so whoever guy we
pick, you'd let him f*ck me?

If you wanna.

I mean, are you
okay with that?

- Are you?
- I asked you first.

Look, you love me, right?

God, sweetie, of course.

That's not-
No, no, no.

I know, I know.

It's not about being
dissatisfied with each other

or looking for love elsewhere.

It's fun.

Right.

And so if I am the
man that you love

and I feel so gay
calling myself a man,

if I'm the guy that you
come home to, then yeah.

I'm okay with it.

Oh god, I think I'm
going to cry.

Oh no. [murmuring]

I was just kidding.
What other girls?

No, no, it's a good cry.

Sorry?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Good.

Now come over here and f*ck
me silly, my Cock Master.

[Sam] Will my work never end.

[laughing]

[Sam grunts]

[women laughing]

[Alex] Oh my god.

Get this bitch another drink.

[laughing]

- All right.
- Let's cheers to something.

[Chloe] What should
we drink to?

To lost love-

- May all men suffer
horrific a**l fissures.

- Ow.
- Here, here.

- Woo!
- Ow, that kinda hurt.

- Hello, everybody.
- f*cking man.

Hi, baby. [chuckles]

[Sam] Hi.

Hi.

What's going on?

Um, well, Kaitlin's a
little upset about Joe.

Has he said anything
about her recently?

Honestly, dude, it's like a
quarter and then like a penny.

- No, not really.
- Oh.

Well you are kind of the
enemy tonight.

Got it.

Just gonna grab my DVD and I'll-

- Couldn't satisfy a
ginger sprig.

Yeah, okay, so Avengers DVD?

[Chloe] On my desk.

[Sam] Thank you.

Hey, come have a
drink with us.

No thank you.

You are...

Your breed.

[Esther] Oh, I love
drunk Kaitlin.

Yeah, I think Chloe
might kick us out

if we get her boyfriend stabbed,
though.

You try to use us.

We are nothing but penis
sheaths to you.

Uh, I'm right here.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You know, Chloe, be
all subservient,

crawling around on all
fours, wouldn't you?

Doesn't sound awful.

You try to own us!

But that is not enough for you.

Most of you want, like,
two or three,

four of us at once
and most of you

do not have what it takes
to f*ck one of us properly!

Get me a legion of men!

[upbeat, funky music]

[Chloe] It's not as
easy as it looks, huh?

You are officially too
organized for your own good.

Did you write hookers?

Look at this point, it's
at least worth talking about.

Yeah, about that.

Ethnicity, skin tone,
cup size.

I'll take care of that for you.

Whether or not she does a**l.
Yeah.

Price range, and then you
just hit search.

So it's like ordering a pizza?

Yeah.

Except it's a woman.

It's awesome.

Click the lowest price range.

Ah!
Oh.

Oh, my.

Jesus.

You guys ordering
Chinese food?

Okay.

Um...

Should we try the bars again?

Mm, no.

[Chloe] Oh Sam, come on,
stop it.

They're the same size.
They weren't before.

All right, no bars.

Uh...

We can put another ad.

No, no, no more
Craigslist. Those people...

- Scared you?
- Yeah.

[Sam] Eh.

Do you know what yiffing is?

So where does that leave us?

Friends.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

After Esther?

Look, we just need
to be smarter

about how we approach the topic.

Okay. But who?

That is the question, though,
isn't it?

No!
[Chloe laughs]

Look, you know my friends.

You know what you like
better than I do.

Look, I know you've been
incredibly cool about all this,

but I just feel like I'm
going to say one thing

and you're just gonna
snap back hard.

No, I won't.

And if I do, you have
my permission

to call me a crazy bitch.

Oh, that's so cute. You
think I need your permission?

[Chloe laughs]
Okay, so, who is it?

Kaitlin?

And most of you do not even

have what it takes to
f*ck one of properly!

Okay, okay. Uh...

Alex?

Um, she's...

Hey look, I've, I've
seen her dance.

I'd be interested to see
what that's like.

Looks like a
rollercoaster for my penis.

So Alex?

- Am I in trouble?
- No.

You sure?

Yup.

[kisses]

All right.

[Alex] So let's do this.

Do what?

If I have to explain
to you that it goes-

- You'll do the thing? The..

- Yeah.
- Us

- Yeah.
- Oh my god.

- Yeah.
- Oh my god, Alex, thank you.

Thank you!
[laughing]

So, so, so, so, so,

so sorry, but I'm very
excited and...

- I can tell.
- Mm-hm.

So, when's good for you?

How about tomorrow night?

- Oh.
- That works for me.

[laughing]

Mm-hm.

All right, then.

Right, okay.

Maybe drinks, um, six?

Maybe like somewhere in
like Union Square-

- Wining and dining a threesome?

This one's a keeper, Chloe.

Mm, I know.

[laughing]

Let's go get food.

- Okay.
- Food.

Threesomes and food!

Threesomes!

We got her.

[laughing]

[Alex] What about the old guy

sitting at the other table?

He was like what is going on?

Dude, oh my god.

I thought he was going
to choke on his biscuit.

[laughing]

Right? Maybe he might
have a heart att*ck.

Yeah, no.

Oh, I'd feel really bad then.

- That would have been bad.
- Yeah.

How funny would it have
been if he d*ed?

[awkward chuckling]

- So anyway.
- So I'm just gonna

take off my socks.
[laughing]

Keep 'em on.

They're not, trust me, I've
learned that the hard way.

All right, uh...

So, I don't know how this
all is supposed to start.

Who knew that awkwardness

was a sexually
transmitted disease?

[Sam laughs]

Hey.
[laughing]

You're awkward.
[laughing]

Oh, you've done this before.
Uh...

How do we get going?

All right, well, you
can fetch me a beer.

Us girls will make
ourselves comfortable.

Okay.

I will get you beer

and you will not lock the door
on me when I leave the room?

[laughing]

[laughing]
[indistinct whispering]

Okay, so there was one.

- Ah.
- Wow.

Really sprung for the
high quality stuff I see.

Got your high quality
stuff right here.

- Mm.
- Oh.

Look at the sudden confidence.

I know.

Yeah.

And there it goes.

- I...
- There it went.

No, don't come out just yet.

[sensual jazz music]

So we were thinking,

we thought you were so sweet
treating us to a night out,

we just had to do a
little something for you.

[Sam] Suck me in.

- What?
- Nothing.

[claps]

Proceed.
[laughing]

[sensual jazz music]
[giggling]

[upbeat marching music]
[laughing]

What?

f*cking jingles.

I'm sorry, I'll fig-

- [Alex] Oh, do nothing.

[upbeat marching music]

[laughing]

[snoring]
[birds chirping]

Oh, oh babe.

[Joe groans]

Dude, why are you
wearing my pants?

Ladies.

Please, not so loud.

Oh, my bad, man.

There was totally room on
the bed for you.

Oh, that would've been nice.

[Joe] Yeah. Hindsight 20/20.

[Ian grunts]

What the f*ck did Sam
just send me a picture of?

- Oh my god!
- Holy sh*t!

- Oh, Jesus!
- Yeah!

That's actually
not a bad sh*t.

Oh my god!

You cocky bastard.

Hey, don't playa hate.

Appreciate.

[Ian] Will you drink
all of this and die?

Oh, so what'd you do today

besides not wear the belt,
obviously?

Well, I actually had
a pretty slow day today.

I got home early from
work, watched some TV,

made myself a drink,

jerked off thinking about
your threeway-

- That'll happen.

Uh, I made another drink.

I jerked off thinking about
banging Chloe by myself

on top of a mountain while
you cry in a corner you f*ck.

That's elaborate.

[Ian sighs]

Had another drink and
then you came home

and ruined everything.

[laughing]

Jerked off twice, huh?

Yeah. It was a
pretty slow day.

Dude, by the way, you've
got to give you some details

on how that went down.

I have to do no such thing.

Oh, um, that's fine.

I can just ask Chloe about
it when she gets here.

Come again for big fudge?

I kind of invited
Chloe to hang out

with us tonight for drinks.

You should probably not act
surprised when she gets here.

That would make my invites
seem a little weird.

That is weird.

Would you stop trying
to f*ck my girlfriend?

Oh, you still think you
can stop this from happening?

You are so cute. Drink up,
buttercup.

[Sam] I hate that I can't
tell if you're kidding.

Not kidding at all.

Okay, fine.

So, hypothetically-
Yeah?

If I were to give you details,

would you stop trying
to f*ck my girlfriend?

I promise to try not
to say anything out loud

about banging that sweet poon
for the rest of the night.

[phone pings]

Is that her?

Okay.

Fine.

What do you want to know?

Dude, I want to
know everything!

I want to know, I want to
know the f*cking details.

I want to know the nitty
gritty titty of it.

I want to know who
went down on who,

did Alex stick her
finger in your ass,

did Chloe lap the cum off
of Alex's tits?

- Jesus Christ.
- Like a naughty little puppy?

Dude, I'm too sober
for this sh*t.

We can fix that, son!

Not, no.

Yes!

- No.
- Okay.

So you get back to Chloe's place

and they just start, what,
going at it?

Were you les-merized?

Yep, yep, I'm gonna
need another drink.

Come up?

Low.

Oh.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- No, no, no, no.
- Son of a bitch!

- Aces are low, aces are low!
- Bullshit.

Ace up your sleeve.

- No, no, no.
- Ah!

Put it in you mouth.

♪ sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t ♪

- sh*t.
- Come on.

- Do it.
- Gentlemen.

Oh!

And she downs it like a champ.

Slurps it up and it's
all over her face.

Yeah, yeah.
[laughing]

- Pinkie up, m*therf*cker.
- What did I say

about throwing it at my
face afterwards.

What did I say?

Do you think we
should tell him

that you can't light
a vodka sh*t?

Well the guy's gotta
learn for himself.

f*ck!

My eye, bro!

Oh, goddammit.
[laughing]

And so then, Dr. Kipliner
was all like, f*ck,

you know Chloe, you should
just f*cking do that

instead of the different way.

You shouldn't do it that way-
It's okay.

Oh my god, never
stop doing that.

Oh.

[kissing]

[chuckling]

[kissing]

[laughing]

[slaps]
[Chloe laughs]

[kissing]

[Ian] f*ck this.

[kissing]

[Chloe giggles]

Oh sh*t.
[Chloe laughs]

Okay.

[kissing]
[heavy breathing]

[moaning]
[grunting]

[panting]
[moaning]

Hey buddy.

You want some bacon?

How about some sausage?

What?
What are you doing?

- What?
- What are you doing?

Yo, I'm making eggs,
m*therf*cker.

Speaking of which,
before I forget,

banged your girlfriend, right?

Yeah, I did a little bit of
this, a little bit of that.

[laughs]

Ooh.

[laughs]

Where is our lovely
lady this morning?

Sammy?
Hm?

- Where's Chloe?
- Asleep, I think.

Not wrong. [chuckles]

Morning, baby.

[Ian] Your eggs, milady.

Oh my, and he cooks, too.

[laughing]

Oh, we should probably keep
him around more often, huh?

What's the matter? You
look a little out of sorts.

[Sam groans]

Oh my God. These eggs
are amazing.

[Ian] Right? Italian
dressing and seasoned salt.

That's all it is.
Get out!

[Ian] Nope, swear to god.

My mom's do the Italian
dressing thing

when I was a kid and then
I just made eggs

so many mornings and I messed
around with the seasonings.

Seasoned salt nails it.

[Chloe] I really think
you're on to something.

This is really, really good.
Yeah, it really brings out

[hits]

[birds chirping in the distance]

What happened?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Sam, you just punched your
best friend in the face.

- He's not my best friend.
- Since when?

Since he f*cked my girlfriend.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- What?
- Don't do this.

- What?
- Don't do this.

- What is this?
- Please don't do this.

Don't? What is this?

Get mad. Get weird.

Don't.

Please?

How could you do this?

How could you do this to me?
Do what to you?

- f*ck my best friend.
- We did it together, Sam.

Did you like him more than me?

You can't just say no?
That is not the point.

- What is the point?
- I'm not doing this!

You want to fight me?
That's too bad.

I'm not stooping to your level.

Oh? Oh you can't
stoop to my level?

Sam, this was
supposed to be fun.

It was, it was fun.

It was something that
we could give each other

and it was something that
would bring us closer together.

Yeah, you and Ian are
plenty close now.

- So are you and Alex.
- That's different.

Seriously?

How?

Because I understood what
this was and you forgot?

- Because it's-
- What, what?

- Because it-
- You don't even know, do you?

Wait, wait, wait, Sam, Sam,
look at me.

Look at me the way you did
before last night, please just,

look at me the way you used to.

Wait, Sam.

Sam, this is what we
said we wanted.

Sam!

[soft, emotional music]

[Esther] If he can't handle
it, that's his problem.

I know, you're right.
I mean, totally right.

It is absolutely 100%
his problem.

But?

Why am I the one in
f*cking misery?

[knocking]

Sam.

Hey you.

Uh...

What's going on?

It's a whole...

Joe, why aren't you
wearing any pants?

A ghost took 'em.

Hi, honey.

Who is it?

Hey Sam.

Huh.

Okay, look, I'm having
a really rough night

and I really need a
place to stay

and I don't know
where Taylor is.

I tried calling him,
but it's just...

Oh, hey man.

[Kaitlin chuckles]

[Sam scoffs]

Hey man, where are you going?

Come on, you just got here,

Oh?

Yeah, you should be angry.

- I know.
- No, you should be pissed.

- Yeah, I know.
- Well then why aren't you?

Because that doesn't get
me what I want.

What?

Look, you know, if I wanted
to make him feel guilty,

if I want to, to, you know,
chew him out,

if I wanted to make him
melt into a pile

of self-doubting goo and
make him feel so shitty

that he'd never had the nerve

to talk to another woman
again, I would, and I could,

I mean, I could att*ck
every insecurity,

every doubt, every sore topic,
but...

I don't want that.

You know, I, I just want
us to be okay.

I want him to come back.

[knocking]

Hey.

Hey.

Can I come in?

No, you have to stand
in the hallway.

Oh, um- [Alex laughs]

Come in, Dorkimus Prime.

[Sam mimics robotic whooshing]
[Alex laughs]

[Sam] Wow, your
apartment is very salmony.

Thanks.

[Sam] You're welcome.

So what brings you to
my neck of the woods?

Your phone call was a
tad dramatic.

Yeah, um...

Me and Chloe kind of
had a fight.

sh*t.

Was it about me and the thing?

Kind of, but not.

It's, I don't really want
to talk about it, so, yay.

[Alex] You come
into my apartment

in the middle of the night
because you and Chloe had a fight

and you don't wish
to discuss it?

That is correct.

How about now?

[Esther] I'll get that.

Hey, man.

Can we talk?

Sure.

I will leave you guys alone.

[laughing]

Ooh, so you let Ian
f*ck your girlfriend.

I wouldn't say let
Ian f*ck my girlfriend.

[Alex] Did you
tell him not to?

- No.
- Was it his idea?

- Kinda.
- Kinda how?

Okay, technically me and Chloe
started it, but still it's-

- How is that not you
just letting him?

[Sam] Well I didn't
say step right up

to my girlfriend's vag*na.

Two balls for three dollars.

Old tickers, old tickers.

Right, but Chloe
didn't say step right up

to my boyfriend's penis.

Not the first time, anyway.
[laughing]

It's different.

How?

It...

Okay.

So, like, when you and me,
rah-ha-ha,

it didn't mean anything, right?

I don't know.

Oh you don't? Okay,
who would know?

[laughing]
I could call them.

Or text them. It's the future.

I'll text them. Ow.

You're cute.
[Sam growls]

[laughing]

Thank you.

But no, seriously, so
like it didn't

mean anything for you, right?

This is a bad idea.

I'm sorry Sam hit you.

So is my face.

Luckily he's a bit of a p*ssy,
so.

Really? Because it
looks pretty bad.

I mean, I can't see any
color out of that eye, but-

- What?
- Totally had worse.

Ian, you need to go
to a hospital.

Right, the hospital.

You know how when you're
gainfully employed,

you should probably,
I don't know,

get some health insurance?

You idiot.

[Ian chuckles]

Yeah.

Let me get you some ice.

Much obliged.

I haven't been back to
the apartment yet, so...

Oh.

Sorry.
[Ian grumbles]

[Chloe sighs]

What?

What was it to you?

Fun.

Nothing more?

[Alex chuckles]

Nope.

Nope.

No.

[Alex] Oh.

Oh my god.

I'm sorry.

You okay?

Mm-hm, fine.

I guess it didn't mean anything.

Look, we said going
into it that-

- I know.

Don't worry about it,
doesn't matter.

Sorry.

[Alex scoffs]

That was really stupid.

No, no it wasn't. It was...

[sighs]
sh*t.

Wow, okay, so new topic.

Um [chuckles] uh, why the
f*ck are you so upset?

What?

Oh my god. You're a
f*cking goldfish.

Chloe.

Yeah, look, it's complicated,
okay?

- No it's not.
- Yeah, it is.

Because of the-
What, you think this was

part of Chloe's, like,
big diabolical plan.

Like string you along
for three years

and then leave you after one
night of drunken sex, really?

[Sam] I never said she
planned anything.

Then what are you saying?

- It's Ian.
- He's your best friend.

Yeah, and a
complete man-whore.

[Alex] He wouldn't try
to steal Chloe.

I'm not saying you would try.

I'm just saying-
What are you say...

It's Ian.

He does massage.
Oh my god.

And he gets girls and
he speaks Esperanto.

[Alex] You've got to
be kidding me.

Is it that hard to believe?

That a girl you loved
walks out on you

because you had a
threeway with your friend?

Yeah, it's pretty f*ckin'
far-fetched.

She loves you.
I know she does.

- So?
- So what?

Am I hot?

What?

Like objectively, would
you like to tap this?

Sure.

[Alex] So why aren't
we humping right now?

Because I love Chloe.

Exactly!

So what's the
f*cking difference?

It's Chloe.

She's smart and sexy and
funny and ghosts.

She makes origami ghosts

and she hangs them from
above the bed

and they're like meh, and
she's difficult

in the best possible way.

Just trying to get her
to watch a movie

that I want to watch is an
adventure in and of itself,

but that's an adventure
that I want to take.

She snores like a Wildebeest

and she farts like you
would not believe,

but I still want to
spend every waking minute

with that smelly, loud
hunk of woman.

She's everything.

And what are you?

What do you mean?

You can never cheat on
her 'cause you love her

'cause she's so amazing
and even though

she told you she loved you
a zillion and a half times,

you don't believe her.

You don't think anyone,
you don't think you deserve

her or anyone really.

You put her on this pedestal

and in your pathetic
f*cking mind,

it's only a matter of
time before she leaves

and you think this is it.

Now that she's tasted
Ian, that it's all over.

- No it's-
- And you know what?

If you keep thinking that,
you'll actually be right.

Oh my god.

I gotta go.
You gotta go.

Thank you. I gotta go.

But...
Go.

[Sam grunts]
[thuds]

Sam?

sh*t, Sam.
Ow.

I'll get a blanket.

sh*t.

Are you okay?

No.

I have no idea where Sam
is and no idea what to do.

You don't deserve this.

You're damn right I don't.

I'll talk to Sam.

I appreciate that.

Even though he f*ckin' hit me.

I thought you said it
wasn't a big deal.

I can't see colors.

[Chloe laughs]

[laughing]

Oh my god.

I had fun last night.

We all seemed to.

Well, I didn't hate it.

I think I'm going to put
that on my business cards.

Ian Barnes, women don't
hate f*cking him.

There could be worse reviews.

[laughing]

Totally saw your boobs.

[laughing]

f*ck you.
[laughing]

I'm sorry.

I'm injured.
[laughing]

Hey.

Hey.

Thank you.

[Chloe chuckles]
Uh...

Ian?
Mmhm?

What you doin'?

Eh, just feeling your
tits against my chest.

You're such a jerk.

[Ian sighs]

I'm going to go find
your boyfriend.

You know you, you really
don't have to do that.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, I do.

[soft piano music]

[knocking]

Ian?

Ian, you there?

I forgot my keys man.

I'm a douche.
I'm a douche.

We good?

Not the first time I
got cold-cocked

by somebody's boyfriend.
[Sam chuckles]

Good, 'cause I need your help.

[knocking]

[knocking]

[knocking]
[Chloe groans]

[knocking]

[Chloe] assh*le.

[Chloe sighs]

I thought we should talk.

I owe you an apology.

Really?

Yeah. Yes.

I was way out of line.

Can you ever forgive me?

I brought bagels.
Not so loud, please.

I'm very hungover.

Long night last night, huh?

Sorry.

My bad.

Look, Sam. I'm...

I'm glad you're here and
that you've calmed down

and you've brought me a
bunch of flowers

I'm allergic to, but-
Wait, what?

What was that about yesterday?

It was...

[Chloe] I mean, do you have
any idea how you made me feel?

Badly, I'm sure.

Badly?

You made me feel like a whore.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

You tried to slut-shame me
like some misogynist assh*le.

Chloe, I'm so sorry.

I never meant to make you
feel that way.

I'm just, I never meant
to make you feel

like anything other than
hunky-dory 24/7.

You know what I mean.

But I f*cked up, big time.

You didn't deserve that.
No, I really didn't.

So what was it about?

Were you testing me
this whole time?

No, no, no, god, no, no.

No. It had nothing to
do with you.

Then what was it?

It...

It obviously had something

to do with me.
No, no, it, okay.

Not why I freaked out.

That was on me.

Then what was it?

Seeing you with Ian.

It was hard.
Why?

Because I thought you'd
like him more than me.

- Sam.
- I know, I know.

It's stupid and insecure and...

Do you not trust me?

Of course I do.

But how could you, how
could you possibly think that?

Because I couldn't
see what you see in me,

which I know is, is, is...

[sighs]

There it is.

How long have we
been together?

Three years.

Right.

Do you think I would
waste three minutes,

let alone three years on anyone

who I thought was unworthy?

Nope.

You kicked that homeless
guy at one time

'cause he asked for change
and he wasn't dancing.

You have to stop
telling people that.

They believe you.

And what does that
say about you?

[laughing]

Sam?

Are you done with
the self-doubt?

- I'm not sure.
- Not funny.

Sorry. Yes.

Because it's not cute.

It's not endearing.

It's just a pain.

Understood.

Thank you.

For what?

For everything.

[chuckling]

Three years, man.

That's a long time.
[Sam grunts]

A lifetime.

If you're a fish.

[laughing]

Sorry.
Dork.

You ever wonder why we decided

to have a threesome in
the first place?

I don't know.

More fun?

Exciting, I guess?

I have a theory.

Oh, you've come back wise.

Hit me.
[laughing]

I feel like in every
relationship,

no matter how clearly
awesome, there's a back door.

Sam, I said no butt sex.

I, no, no. Stop, no.

I don't mean, no butt sex. No.

What I mean is that
there's always

a post this relationship
time in their mind.

So if they want to
experiment or whatever,

they think we'll just do
it later, alone.

Okay.

But after a while,
let's say three years,

they stop thinking about a
post this relationship time.

In fact, they don't
even think there will be

a post this relationship time,
so if they want to explore,

then they do it together,
as a couple.

No post this
relationship time?

So I'm not the most eloquent.
Sue me.

- Sued.
- Ah!

[laughing]

What we did with Ian
and Alex, that was fun,

but that was it.

At the end of the day,

the person that I want to
be with is you.

The person that I want
to live with,

to come home to, to cook with,

to play Little Big
Planet with is you.

For the rest of my life.

What?

Chloe Mancini...

Will you marry me?

- Yes.
- Yes?

Yes.

[laughing]

I'm gonna put that mother on

like you would not believe.
[laughing]

Oh no, it's the other hand.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I don't know directions.

Oh my god, how could
you afford this?

Oh, at the wedding, I have
to let Ian f*ck my sister.

Ha ha, joke's on her.
We hate that bitch.

I know, right?
[laughing]

Oh my god.

Did I just say no butt sex in
the middle of your proposal?

Yeah, you did.

Wait, when we tell our
kids about this,

can we leave that part out?

What part can we tell?

I guess we'll worry
about that later.

Ooh. With your headache?

I'll work through it.

Pants off, now.

[laughing]

[soft, bright acoustic music]

♪ Rose is on rampage moving
around the furniture ♪

♪ A table there, a sofa there ♪

♪ And over there the bed ♪

♪ Time to do the laundry again ♪

♪ You got to put the
clothes on ♪

♪ Separate the
lights and darks ♪

♪ You put the quarters in ♪

♪ They're talking
about the future ♪

♪ Talking about the
world at w*r ♪

♪ We're turning all
the lights off ♪

♪ It's time to go the bed ♪

♪ And this is what I said ♪

♪ And this is what I said ♪

♪ This is what I said ♪

♪ It's a life ♪
♪ It's life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ I call it a life ♪

♪ That's what it is ♪

♪ It's a life ♪
♪ It's a life ♪

♪ It's just a life ♪
♪ It's just a life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ Oh we're living in again ♪

[bright, upbeat music]

♪ Having eggs and
corn beef hash ♪

♪ Thank you Lou, no
problem Miss Sandy ♪

♪ She's deftly maneuvers
them off of the counter ♪

♪ And gingerly puts the
plates down ♪

♪ What can I get you boys ♪

♪ How about some coffee, sugar ♪
♪ Sugar in your coffee ♪

♪ I'll take black and
I'll take tea ♪

♪ I just got out of bed ♪

♪ Are you boys from
the trade mill ♪

♪ How'd you guess ♪

♪ It's written on the
buttons on your chest ♪

♪ And then I did the rest ♪
♪ And then I did the rest ♪

♪ And then I did the rest ♪

♪ And again ♪

♪ It's a life ♪
♪ It's life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ It's just a life ♪

♪ That's what it is ♪

♪ It's a life ♪
♪ It's a life ♪

♪ You call it a life ♪
♪ You call it a life ♪

♪ It's a life ♪

♪ Living to the end, but ♪

♪ High on an airplane ♪

♪ Looking at the ground
below whoa oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Higher than you'll ever
know oh oh oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Looking at the ground
below oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ High in an airplane ♪

♪ Higher than you'll ever know ♪

[bright, upbeat music]

♪ Alfred in Zimbabwe ♪

♪ He grew up without a family ♪

♪ Met some Peace Corp
volunteers ♪

♪ That came and went
away again ♪

♪ Indonesia, Polynesia,
Pakistan, Afghanistan ♪

♪ You build the trenches,
wear the sorries ♪

♪ Think about the plans ♪

♪ What's that overhead ♪

♪ Food and bombs and
propaganda dropped on ♪