Riley, Amy's here.
Tell her I'll Venmo
her later this week.
♪ Don't stop ♪
♪ Come on and just
walk, don't stop ♪
♪ Just walk, don't stop ♪
♪ Hey, my bae, heard
you want some action ♪
♪ Hey, I'm on my way, come on ♪
♪ We were on top when
we were all we got ♪
♪ Even in the winter we
could always get it hot ♪
♪ Certified sunshine,
we got it on lock ♪
♪ Loving you forever,
ever, until I forgot ♪
♪ I said I need less talk,
a little more space ♪
♪ I need to know my feelings
but my words got in the way ♪
♪ Never really think straight
and you walked away ♪
♪ I ain't good at noticing
and now I gotta change ♪
♪ I heard you're back in town ♪
♪ Been coming around ♪
♪ I know I said before, but
I will never let you down ♪
♪ I see you looking my way ♪
♪ I felt the wind change ♪
♪ We can try again and
make it summer every day ♪
♪ I know you've been down ♪
♪ I'm still the
one in your heart ♪
♪ But we could get together
♪ ♪ And we'd never be apart ♪
♪ I want to get
down and restart ♪
♪ Everything we do
is a work of art ♪
♪ Hey, my bae, heard
you want some action ♪
♪ Hey, I'm on my way,
yeah, yeah, come on ♪
♪ Hey, my babe, heard
you want some action ♪
♪ Hey, I'm on my way, come on ♪
♪ I made a friend on the block ♪
♪ He's everything I'm not ♪
♪ Slick like a flame
and fresh as E-Z Rock ♪
♪ I said, how do you do it ♪
♪ I take everything
in stride, he said ♪
♪ When the world don't vibe ♪
♪ You gotta go with
what's inside ♪
♪ He said, break your chains,
stop running in place ♪
♪ Throw your inhibitions
out with all your somedays ♪
♪ Go get your girl,
make her your world ♪
♪ Come back when you get
out of your head, fool ♪
♪ Been living in the sun,
every day a new one ♪
- You picked the wrong
day to f*ck with me.
♪ Welcome to my dream ♪
♪ It's good to see you again ♪
♪ We can kick back now ♪
♪ The show has reached the end ♪
♪ Everything you love ♪
♪ Has all come home ♪
♪ Farewell for now, my friend ♪
♪ I'll see you around again ♪
♪ Farewell for now, my friend ♪
♪ I'll see you around again ♪
♪ Believe in me ♪
- Good morning, Dawn.
What do you think, really?
Don't be so judgmental.
♪ True to form forever ♪
♪ Magic show, twilight ♪
- Alexa, play headlines.
High today
of 58 and partly cloudy skies.
Future cast looking like
it's going to stay clear
through the weekend.
Turning to today's big story,
alleged prolific
r*pist Jim Dejello,
or the stocking strangler,
is facing arraignment
in four days.
He's accused of eight murders
and 24 counts of sexual
as*ault across three counties
in Northern California.
We'll bring you live up
to the minute coverage.
In sports news-
- Good morning, Mavis,
looking good today.
sh*t, Molly, what'd I tell
you about staying up late,
watching reruns of "Friends"?
Great, I have five
friends, two from work,
two family members, and a
guy from India I don't know.
At least I have you guys.
♪ In New Orleans ♪
♪ They call it the ♪
♪ It's been the ruin
of many a poor boy ♪
- Hey.
- Come on.
- Hey, excuse me, excuse me.
- Yes, with Ellie.
Can she do it?
Yes, just a fill.
- The line?
- Unless there's time for a gel.
- Come on.
- Does she have time
for a gel and dip?
I have french tips on right now.
Does Ellie have time
for a gel and dip?
Can I add a pedicure and
then gel for my toes?
- Miss, please, there's a line.
Yes, 11:00 am it is.
Yes, okay, thank you,
you're so awesome.
I'll have a skinny
oat milk latte,
and then make sure it's organic.
It is organic?
- Yes, ma'am.
- How do you know
it's organic, are
you just saying that?
- It's organic.
- Uh, hi, could I
get two black coffees
and a blueberry muffin?
Keep the change.
Hey.
- What, they always
f*ck up your order.
- I know.
- Jesus, have some balls
and return this crap.
Here, I'll do it-
- No, no, no, no.
It's not, it's fine.
So what are you, like, 58 weeks?
- Try 22, ass wipe.
I'm literally gonna get so fat,
I'm gonna be the
elephant in the room.
- You and Tommy
pick out a name yet?
- No, we can't agree on a name.
- Still?
Is it that big a
deal, just pick one.
- Yeah, you're right, it's
just the rest of her life.
No big deal.
Sis, are you happy?
I mean, really,
like, I don't know.
I just feel like ever
since Dad passed,
you just haven't
really moved on.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm happy.
Uh, I'm as happy as
I'm ever gonna be,
so let's just leave it at that.
- Okay.
- What about you, what
about the business loan?
- I have a meeting tomorrow.
Oh!
- Well, a virtual meeting, Zoom.
- Ugh, Zoom.
- I know, right, it's like
the millennial's response
to the mullet,
business on the top,
party on the bottom.
Hey, let's meet tomorrow
after and we can celebrate.
- Sweet.
sh*t, I should go, I gotta
bring Collin his coffee.
- Oh, God.
See you tomorrow?
- Yes.
Cool.
- Everyone who comes in
here, I give my heart to,
and that's why I see you,
I see your situation.
The best way to get
over somebody is
to get underneath somebody-
Amy!
There she is, Amy.
Come on, don't hide behind
the balloons.
Come on out, come
on, there she is.
There you are, I'm
sorry, what day is it?
Oh, it's today, right,
it's just later in
the day than usual.
Can I see you
in my office right freaking
now, please?
Thank you, all right,
thanks for playing.
And thank you for playing.
We'll take this
up later.
Something to remember you by.
I'm very disappointed
in you, Amy.
I mean, I thought that you
were in a good position
to be employee of the month,
but you showing up
four minutes late,
that really doesn't
help your chances.
- Right, sorry, I have to ask.
Are you watering this plant?
I mean, come on, it
needs water and love.
- Amy, who cares
about the plant?
We are talking about your
future here, now.
All right, I mean, look
at you, Amy.
You got, what, five miserable
pieces of f*cking flare on.
Did we not have
the flair pin talk?
Do you think that Jen
would show up to work
with five miserable
pieces of f*cking flair?
- Are we talking about
Jen from "Office Space"?
I mean, duh, Jen
wouldn't dare set foot in work
if she didn't have at least
19 pieces of f*cking flair on.
Girl, you just, you got,
you gotta step it up, okay?
Is that my coffee?
- Yes, it is.
- Okay.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, hold your horses.
Amy,
this coffee is cold,
okay?
Cold coffee makes me sad.
You know what makes me happy?
, hmm?
By the way, you are the cashier
on the five item line
today, yeah!
All right, so try not
to screw it up, okay?
So don't forget.
♪ Point of purchase,
sales of snacks ♪
At every transaction, right?
And especially do not
forget your ABC's, huh?
- Why do I need the
alphabet, Collin?
- Amy, every great salesperson
knows what ABC means, okay?
Always be closing,
got it, huh?
You got it, all right.
Good, good luck.
- Wow.
You missed your true calling.
You should be a
motivational speaker.
- You know, if I had a
dollar for every time
I've heard that, ah, you
see what I did there?
A dollar?
Yeah, I know, it
was pretty good.
What, can I have a
few pieces of that?
- Let me ask you a question.
Does your d*ck touch your ass?
- No.
- Then you can't have any candy.
- Okay, that'll be 46.50.
How many bags do you want?
- I don't need any bags.
- Sorry, your card was declined.
- Oh, I have another, I think.
Yeah, here, here it is.
- Okay.
Come on.
- I'm not getting
any younger here.
- Do you have another option?
- I know what's going on here.
- Ma'am, I'm just
trying to ring people up
with five items or less.
I'm done here, Collin!
- Mommy, is everything okay?
You, floor, now.
Come on,
Cindy, register.
- How much is this?
- It's a dollar.
- How much is this?
- It's a dollar.
- How much is this?
- It's a dollar.
- How much is this?
- It's a dollar.
- Hey, hey, how much are these?
Everything's just a dollar?
Oh, man, heck, yeah.
- How much is this?
- A dollar.
- What if I buy four?
- It's gonna be four
f*cking dollars.
- Amy.
Amy?
Amy.
There she is, there
you are.
You're scaring the customers.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hey, everyone, it's
okay, it's all right.
Here's what we're
gonna do, all right?
You're just gonna take
the rest of the day off.
You're gonna come back
in tomorrow, okay?
Wait, how many fingers
am I holding up?
- 10.
- Good, 10, that's right.
That's good, that's how
many pieces of flair
you're gonna wear tomorrow
when you come in, okay?
Not five, 10 pieces
of flair, all right?
Okay, good, good, okay.
All right, all right.
- Girl.
I think the stress
is getting to you.
- Yeah.
- Take the day and
relax, all right?
- You can come back now.
95 mile an
hour fast ball, two down.
Hoff's on home
plate, Sarkozy jumps-
- Hey, baby mama.
- Oh my goodness, hello.
Ugh.
- Yeah?
How's she doing?
Good, we're tired.
Hmm, shopping?
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes?
- That was a yes
no, right there.
- It was, I only went
to a couple stores.
- Oh, a couple?
- Yeah.
- We gonna talk about
what stores these were?
- No, I would rather
talk about your day.
- Ah, I bet, okay, my day, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
- How was my day?
- Yes.
- Uh, my day, uh, ooh,
okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had a student projectile
vomit on my shoes today.
What was the best
part of y'all's day?
- Ooh, if everything
goes as planned,
I'm gonna get my
bank loan tomorrow.
- Yo, for real?
- Yeah.
- Ah, I see you, babe,
way to go, good job.
- Thank you, so 'tis that time.
- Hmm.
- I need baby names.
- Baby names, for the baby?
- Yeah, yeah, no, for the dog.
What do you mean, yeah.
- Yeah, I think we have Zoe.
- Okay.
- Kelly,
which, which, which
spinner fingers are
you feeling right now?
Zoe or Kelly?
- You know, we have a few
more months, it's fine.
We'll, we'll figure it out.
- Do you like those
though, right?
- Yeah, I like them.
- They're great.
- I like them, um-
- Well, what was
the worst part of your day?
- Hmm, probably seeing Ames.
I don't know, she's, she's
definitely had a rough go
of it since Dad d*ed, but
I don't know, just
sister's intuition tells me
that something else is going on.
- Yeah, it takes time.
You know, people, people
heal on their own schedules.
- Yeah, yeah, I
know, you're right.
- Yeah, she'll be back to her
old self someday soon, babe.
- Well, in the meantime,
I guess we can binge watch
some "90 Day Fiance."
- Oh, yeah.
- Or "Hoarders."
- Mm, okay, that's cool, yeah.
Which one do you want to watch?
- "90 Day Fiance."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, me
too, me too, me too.
- Oh, did you get my
sardines and whipped cream?
- Oh, you were serious?
- Don't judge me.
- Oh, oh my God.
Baby, where did that
voice come from?
- The baby.
- It was the baby?
Don't you put that on
our baby.
Don't you put that on
our baby, mm-mm.
- Sure, he cheats on you every
weekend, but it makes sense.
Congratulations, nobody cares.
Oh my,
nobody cares about
Jimmy's grades
except his helicopter mom.
No.
♪ It's a little bit crazy ♪
♪ You're suddenly blurry, no ♪
♪ I wonder if
anything was real ♪
♪ All our history's hazy ♪
- What do you think?
♪ Like driving in
the pouring rain ♪
- I know, I look as
beautiful as ever.
Must be the new flair.
Alexa, headlines.
Turning now to news,
after 40 years of
mayhem, the alleged
stocking strangler-
- Good morning, Dawn.
Who
devastated our city for 40 years-
- Geez, you're
really not living up
to your name this
morning, are you?
I'm hoping for a new
dawn, except I'm living
in "Groundhog Day," story
of my real life.
♪ I'm trying to be open, but ♪
- Good morning, Mavis.
I put some CBD oil in
your water this morning.
I hope that's not too incestuous
in the plant world.
♪ Before we're leaving here ♪
♪ Before we're leaving here ♪
♪ I know it ain't easy ♪
♪ But there's something ♪
- Oh, God.
- Okay, Mrs. Taylor.
- It's Mary, you
can call me Mary.
- So Mrs. Taylor, have
you given any thought
to what you'd like to use
as collateral for this loan?
- I was thinking
about our condo.
- Oh, okay, the
condo with no equity.
I'm gonna guess that you
don't know what equity is
because you don't have any.
Does that sound right?
We're not in the risk
business, Mrs. Taylor,
so we're not gonna
give you money
that you can't pay back, okay?
Okay?
However, if maybe Mommy and
Daddy could cosign this loan,
we could do it.
- Um, no, my mom left
us when I was two
and never looked back.
- Wait, was it a pool boy?
It could have been a pool boy.
Pool boy?
- No, no.
She just, she just left.
Look, I really need this loan
so that I can start
my music studio.
- Oh my God, let me guess.
You want to be the
next "American Idol"?
Yeah, yeah, I can see it.
- Listen, my dad passed
away and it was our dream
to start this music
studio together.
Then his douche bag
friend, Mr. Dalmer,
told my dad on his deathbed
that the mob was gonna k*ll him
if he didn't pay his
$300,000 gambling debt.
- Do you know what
that sounds like?
That sounds like your problem.
- Okay, so when he d*ed,
me and my sister went
to try to collect the money
and he said, "Go
screw yourself,"
and we said we'd sue,
he said, "Get in line,"
and that was just, it
was four years ago.
I just, I don't know,
I don't understand how
someone could do that.
- I don't know, with
a name like Dalmer,
maybe you're just lucky he
didn't eat your face off.
- So I assume we have a deal?
- Yes, it's a no, what
is wrong with you?
We're done here, we're done.
Have a nice day, or
don't, I don't care.
We're done here, have a
nice day, okay, okay, God.
What is wrong with this lady?
How come I have to
start my mornings
with idiots every fricking time?
I need a latte.
- Hey, hey, Doc,
and your friend.
I'm gonna save you some time.
I'm just under a lot
of stress right now.
- Well, that's not good.
I'm afraid to say
that this is something a
little more definitive.
I'd like you to meet-
- Hey, Doc, I'm sorry, I
really hate to be rude,
but I've got a
boss that's looking
for any excuse to fire me,
so if we could
just wrap this up.
- We received, we
received your test results
from last week, and I'm
sorry to tell you, Amy,
you have a brain tumor, and
unfortunately, it's inoperable.
This is Dr. Krause,
she's an oncologist
and one of the
leading in our field,
and she can explain things
a little further for you.
- Amy, you have a glioblastoma.
- A what?
- You have a glioblastoma.
It's a brain tumor,
and not only that,
it's one of the fastest
growing brain tumors.
- Okay, uh,
okay, what's the treatment plan?
Like, what do I, what?
- There's no easy
way to say this, Amy,
but there is no treatment.
- There's no chemo that
it would respond to
and it's gone too
far for radiation.
- Unfortunately, you only have,
you only have days to
live, maybe a week at most.
I would take the
necessary steps,
get your affairs in
order, your finances-
♪ Carry me ♪
♪ Wherever you go,
wherever you go ♪
♪ Carry me ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪
♪ Carry me ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪
♪ Wherever you go ♪
♪ Show me how to slow down ♪
♪ 'Cause I've been going too
fast for my own good now ♪
Why?
Nice Zoom outfit, sis.
I hope you're celebrating.
- Does it look like
I'm celebrating?
If it's Cinco de Mayo.
- I f*cking got
turned down again.
Whatever, enough about me.
It's dead, my dream is dead.
- Ow, bad choice of words.
- What do you mean?
- Uh,
I only have days left to live.
What are
you talking about?
Um, I'm sorry.
I don't know how to say this.
I have a, uh,
an inoperable brain tumor.
It's crazy.
I have days to live.
No.
- Yeah.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no, I need you.
- I'm so sorry.
I need you now, no.
I'm gonna be there with you
every step of the way, okay?
I promise.
Um,
how would you like to
spend your last few days?
- Uh, I don't know.
I thought about that
on the way over.
I was thinking maybe, maybe
I need one of those, like,
bucket lists, like, go on an
African safari or something.
- I think you need
a sh*t load of money
and a private jet to get you
there with a few days to live.
- Ugh, right, do
you think the lady
at the bank would
lend me some money?
No, you're broke,
and so am I, apparently.
Well, I know we
could do a VIP tour
at the Sacramento
Zoo, I know a guy.
- No, God, that's
even more depressing.
God, it's always so much
easier in the movies.
♪ We can kick back now ♪
♪ The show has reached the end ♪
♪ Turn out the lights ♪
- Oh, I love the
sh*t out of you, sis.
But the reality is, the
real Amy d*ed when Dad did.
Why don't you
actually live a little
with the time you have left?
Besides, you don't
need some bucket list.
Amy?
What you need is a
g*dd*mn fucket list!
- Uh, what the hell
is a fucket list?
- A fucket list is exactly
what it sounds like,
saying f*ck it to
anyone or anything
that you think is bullshit.
Everyone else wants to
to do it, but we can't
because we have to pay the
consequences the next day.
But you, my darling sister,
have been given a
gift and a curse.
- f*ck it, f*ck it all.
♪ Ain't nobody here to tell me ♪
♪ How I'm gonna
climb this mountain ♪
♪ Oh, stay right beside me ♪
♪ Watch me climb, watch
me climb, watch me ♪
♪ Ain't nobody
here to guide me ♪
♪ How am I to cross this river ♪
♪ Oh, stay right beside me ♪
♪ Watch me cross, watch
me cross, watch me ♪
- Ugh.
It's a new f*cking day.
Alexa, play headlines.
Where
the stocking strangler
is facing arraignment
in the morning.
♪ Too late, it's a
fatal attraction ♪
♪ Coming to you, can
I get a reaction ♪
♪ Got a fever and I'm
running on passion ♪
♪ Let it go, flip
the switch, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
- Breakfast of champions.
♪ What you waiting for ♪
You picked the
wrong day to f*ck with me.
♪ What are you waiting for ♪
♪ Before you lose it now ♪
♪ Play for kicks, hey ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
Hey, Riley, have
a good day at school,
and don't tell your
mom about this, okay.
- Okay.
♪ Before you lose it now ♪
♪ Make it stick, hey ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Got a fever and I'm
running on empty ♪
♪ k*ll time with some
things that distract me ♪
♪ Cut teeth on bites
with no meaning ♪
♪ Wide awake 'cause the
clock is screaming ♪
♪ Taste the gold ♪
- Bitch, uh-huh, that
bitch gave my son a C,
a C on a Spanish
paper that I wrote.
I have three years of
Spanish, the nerve, bitch.
Uh-huh, that bitch gave
my son a C, a C on-
- Can I please take your order?
- The nerve, what the,
what are you doing?
- I'm doing what everyone
wishes they could do.
Collin, can I have a word?
- Sure.
- Yeah, um, I'm
turning in my notice.
Don't bother,
you're fired.
And don't worry
about waiting around
for that last check
'cause it ain't coming,
unless, of course,
you're willing
to part with a goodbye smooch.
- Absolutely.
Close your eyes.
♪ Your birthday was a day ago ♪
♪ I didn't send you a thing ♪
♪ A little (indistinct)
we're having ♪
♪ Has gotten me
on the downswing ♪
- Hi, it's five
items, now get out!
♪ Early morning plane brings
me back to better days ♪
♪ Lazy hangs, lazy sun ♪
- Balloons!
♪ They told me I was the one ♪
You go, girl!
♪ Sometimes fire,
sometimes cold ♪
♪ Trying to hold my own ♪
♪ While I'm here all alone ♪
- Collin?
Collin!
Oh my God.
- Hey, can I get a sip of that?
- Does your d*ck
touch your assh*le?
- Yes, it does.
- Then go f*ck yourself.
♪ With nothing ♪
- Look, let me get a
deep tissue massage.
These Zoom calls are
making my back really hurt.
- Hey, that's the bitch who
turned me down at the bank.
Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Okay, let me handle this.
- Can you give us a minute?
- Mm-hmm.
- I said focus on my lower
back, did you fail anatomy?
That's more like it.
- Lovely back, miss.
- I like it hard.
Yeah, it's,
it's acupuncture, mate.
Glad you like it.
- You f*cking walrus,
stop snoring, stop it!
What the, what the
hell, what are you?
I knew you were from trash.
I'm glad I didn't give you a
loan, what the hell are you,
what are you doing,
why are you here?
Look, um, I, um, you're
better than this.
- You know, she might be
better than this, but I'm not.
- Don't you f*cking, oh my God!
♪ Walks into a bar in Arkansas ♪
♪ He says I'm looking for
the man who sh*t my pa ♪
♪ And I don't know
about all of y'all ♪
- I'm hungry, are you hungry?
- I'm always hungry.
♪ Why did the chicken
cross the road ♪
♪ I don't know, maybe to
get to the other side ♪
- Thanks for always
having my back.
- Yeah.
- I know I can
always count on you.
You're my Thelma.
- You're my Louise.
- Whatever, whenever.
I'm here for you.
- I know.
- You know, I'm gonna miss this.
- No, no, no, stop,
let's not do this, okay?
I'm just gonna enjoy these
last few days together.
Stop.
- My kid will never
get to meet you.
- It's probably a good thing.
- Probably a good thing.
Hi,
welcome to Taco Tree.
- Hi, could I get a super
nacho with extra cheese,
extra meat, and a
large Diet Coke?
- Diet Coke?
- You're right, f*ck it, make
that a large regular Coke.
Regular, a regular Coke.
- Hey, I'll get the same thing.
- Oh, actually, we're
gonna get two super nachos
with extra cheese and
extra, extra, extra meat.
Okay, drive up.
- Okay.
- Here.
Later, dudes.
- What's wrong?
- Didn't you ever watch
"Lethal w*apon 2" with Dad?
Joe Pesci, "They always
f*ck you in the drive thru."
Stop the car, stop
the g*dd*mn car!
There is no f*cking
meat in these nachos!
- It's fine, it's fine,
let's just eat it.
- Amy, please, please,
will you, for me,
add one more item
to your fucket list?
- Okay.
Switch with me.
- Okay.
- Uh, what's up?
- Excuse me, um,
what's your name?
- Um, uh, Kyle?
- Hi, Kyle, um, there's
no meat on these nachos.
We ordered extra meat and
there's no meat on these nachos.
- I'm gonna need to see
some receipt with that.
- Seriously, where did he go?
- So, like, my manager says
you guys are just trying
to get free meat,
so no meat for you.
- Look, Kyle,
Kyle, Kyle!
Do you see my sister Amy here?
- Uh-huh.
- This girl right here only
has two days left to live.
Do you seriously think trying
to hatch some nacho meat
scam is on her bucket list?
- Huh?
- What don't you understand?
I am pregnant and I
need meat on my nachos,
so just give us the order
the way we ordered them!
- And by the way,
my manager says
we're actually gonna
need all that food back.
- You really want it back?
- Yeah, it's policy.
♪ I came to the
city as a cyclone ♪
♪ And I loved it like a
strike of lightening ♪
♪ I'm all shook up like
some pink champagne ♪
♪ That got poured
into a paper cup ♪
♪ Then we rocked and we
rolled like a rodeo show ♪
♪ In my fresh cut ♪
You
should, like, look over.
I
was 18 years old.
Doesn't he remember
what it was like-
- Who are you?
- Oh God.
Ooh, are you okay?
Yes, just the
brain tumor.
Not funny, it's not funny.
- Too soon?
- Yes.
- It's not too soon, we don't
have that much time left.
- Yeah, no time for that.
Right.
- But it will be
funny one day- - I
feel bad, what, no?
- Maybe.
- In, like, 20 years.
- Yeah, 20 years, what's
gonna happen in 20 years?
- I don't know, I figure
by then it'll be fine,
well, we're fine.
You're fine.
- I mean, I don't know.
Yeah, your legs are
f*cking hot.
- Come on, my ankles
are swollen and I need-
- I got you.
Is it true you feel
your gas in your tits
when you're pregnant?
- Everywhere.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
- After Dad passed away,
why did you, like, withdraw
from, like, everything and me?
And why did you quit
working at the ad agency
and start working
at the dollar store?
I mean, I get it.
Dad passed away and it was
hard for both of us, but,
I don't know, you
were in the same room
when he told us to just never
stop chasing our dreams.
Oh, man, he
took the five of spades.
- I do promise it'll
make sense soon.
But hey, speaking
of Dad, do you want
to go to the cemetery
tomorrow and visit him?
- Yeah, and I'll bring snacks.
- I know you will.
♪ I'm never ever gonna let
you let me down again ♪
♪ And if you think another ♪
♪ Mind will be
fooled this summer ♪
♪ By breathing wicked
hymns into his open ear ♪
♪ Oh, that's wrong ♪
♪ But go and play
this whole town ♪
♪ And see just
who will go down ♪
♪ Cut it out, just cut it out ♪
- Hey, can you put
some water in the vase?
Yeah, sure,
whatever you want.
♪ A devil on your shoulder ♪
♪ Is making you look bitter ♪
- God, I miss you, Dad.
Please look out for her
when she comes to see you.
♪ And to some degree,
I am you, I know ♪
♪ Posing taller
than I oughta go ♪
♪ But brittle wings won't
get us off the ground ♪
♪ Lying weighs you down ♪
♪ I wanted to be a better man ♪
♪ I wanted to be a better dad ♪
- Want to say a word?
- Uh, sure, you guys
are really vibrant today
and beautiful, I'm glad
you guys are in the sun
'cause it was k*lling me
that it was so overcast-
- I meant to Dad, not the
flowers, you crazy plant lady.
- Oh.
Um,
I really miss you, Dad.
I guess the silver lining
of this whole thing is
that I get to see you soon.
- Hey, what's your
best Dad story?
- What do you mean?
- Best trip, best moment?
Amy?
- Uh.
♪ Be here on my shoulder ♪
- Do you remember when
I was, like, nine,
and I auditioned for that
Community Center musical?
- A little, yeah.
- Well, okay, so no
parents were allowed
in the arena during
the audition.
Okay.
- Okay, yeah, it was
very serious stuff,
and the director
running the audition was
this pretentious little prick
that actually screamed at me.
- Stop!
- And was like, "You're
wasting my time."
And told me I should
never sing again.
- What a d*ck.
- Yeah, it was, so
obviously I run out of there
and I'm bawling my eyes out.
I run straight into Dad's arms
and he just holds me for
what feels like an eternity.
- He had the best hugs.
Yeah, yeah, he did.
Uh, anyway, he, uh,
he pulls me aside and he's like,
"Amy, opinions are like
assholes, everyone's got one."
What?
Yeah, yeah,
it was hysterical.
I was laughing so hard,
even though I'm sure
I had no idea what he was
talking about.
Okay, the next part is
what makes Dad a legend.
So he, um, he's like,
"Okay, you stay here.
I'm gonna go get parking
validation or something,
okay, like, wait in the car."
But obviously I followed
him and I see him onstage,
walks up to the director-
- Amy, you're
k*lling me with this pace.
I'm sorry,
sorry, he's, like,
walks up to the director
and he just starts
to lay it into this guy, right?
He's just, like, really
giving it to him.
The guy just finally,
once Dad's finished,
he's like, "I'm not
the director."
And he points to the guy
that is the director,
who, for some reason,
has a clarinet,
and he walks over and
he gets within inches
of the real director's
face, and he's like,
"If you ever bully
a child ever again,
I will personally come down here
and shove that clarinet
so far up your ass,
you'll be sh1tting show tunes
for the rest of
your pitiful life."
Oh my God.
I know.
Holy sh*t, how have
I never heard that story?
- I don't know, but yeah,
so then the director
calls me the next day
and he apologized,
and I never told Dad
I saw the whole thing.
- Wow, he really was awesome.
- Yeah.
What about you, what's
your best Dad story?
- Hmm.
Do you remember
when Don Henbuddy-
- Ugh.
- Dumped me on the
day of the prom?
- Yeah, such a bitch.
- I was so upset, I literally
could not stop crying.
- Oh.
- Yeah, so I walked to his
house, ready to have a showdown.
Yeah?
- I charged down his street.
I saw all of his
family and friends,
all of his football
broskis all outside
on the front lawn, posing
for their pictures.
Their backs were to me, though,
so they couldn't see
me, and I was feet away
and about to begin this
blood curdling rant
about his tiny
little micro penis-
- Oh my God.
- And then a man in a
lucha libre wrestling mask-
- No.
- Rocking a Walkman, singing
"America the Beautiful"
at the top of his
lungs, was streaking by,
waving a giant sign that
said, "Don's a p*ssy,"
absolutely naked, between the
crowd and the photographer.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God, I wondered why he
bought that lucha libre mask.
- My God.
- Yeah.
What the f*ck?
Yeah, there's literally
nothing he wouldn't do for us.
- Hey, I have an idea.
- Yeah?
Oh, sh*t!
♪ I'm watching the sun
set on Tennessee hills ♪
♪ I wish I could capture
it, I never will ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm not a painter ♪
♪ Can't stay in the lines ♪
♪ Just sitting here
sipping on dandelion wine ♪
♪ It's starting to rain
but I don't feel a thing ♪
♪ Sitting out rocking on
that old porch swing ♪
♪ 'Cause I found me something
that tastes like springtime ♪
♪ Just sitting here ♪
- What do
political opinions
and dicks
have in common?
It's rude to whip them out in.
♪ You can make plans but
they'll change on a dime ♪
♪ So pour me one more
glass of dandelion wine ♪
♪ Preachers and dreamers,
they both believe ♪
♪ In the patterns and powers
that we can't quite see ♪
Hey, guys, so if you haven't
heard, I'm dying.
Uh, I thought I'd
do a little bit
of a poor man's confessional.
Not gonna lie, I'm kind of
pissed at God, really.
Made me 25 years to
live on this planet,
and seriously,
what the f*ck, man?
Anyway, I thought I'd start out
with Ira Feinman at Band Camp.
Yes, it was me that stapled
your sh*t stained underwear
to the cafeteria wall.
What I didn't know is that
your mom wrote your name
in your underwear, and I'm so,
so sorry about that.
How was I supposed to know?
Anyway, all right,
that's all I got for now.
Bye, guys.
A fat d*ck.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- Bringing "Sexy Back"
by Justin Timberlake.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- One night stand.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- See question one.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- That was fast.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- Ugh!
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- Oh, hello, Mr. Right now.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- That was fast.
♪ Everybody wants to party ♪
- Hey, babe, how you
doing with everything?
- Um,
my sister is dying,
I'm fat as sh*t,
I didn't get that stupid
bank loan that I wanted,
and literally, I'm
busting out of everything
that I own because I'm
so f*cking pregnant.
My ankles are swollen, I have
these big f*cking cankles,
and I can't do everything
about it, so how am I doing?
I am not doing that good.
- Hey, Mary?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything
that you're going
through right now.
You know, I can't even begin
to imagine how you feel,
but I want you to know,
I need you to know
that I love you
and I will be here
with you through it all, okay?
Okay, come here.
And, you know, babe,
I love your cankles.
No, no, no, for real,
you got the best cankles
in the game, don't be disrespecting
your cankles like that.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
We
were on a break!
Coffee house?
You
bet.
And
for the record,
it took two people to
break up this relationship.
Yeah,
you and that girl
from the coffee place.
- Down here.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi, I'm Kevin.
- I'm Amy, nice to meet you.
- You too, these are for you.
- They're gorgeous, thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Uh, so you weren't entirely
honest on your profile.
- What do you mean?
- You have glasses.
- Oh, you must be
new to dating apps.
- Yeah, guilty.
- Yeah, people tend to
enhance their looks.
- Gotcha, all right, well,
do you want to come in?
We can watch some Netflix, and-
- And chill?
- Yeah, we'll see
how drunk I get.
Have you
played beer pong?
- No.
- Perfect.
That was amazing.
- Yeah.
It was.
- Can we cuddle now?
Uh, no.
Hey, you, just
thinking about you.
Um, I'm really sorry
that I've been a very shitty
sister these past four years,
but I just wanted to
say that I have a plan.
I've got a plan
that's gonna make you
and my future niece
so proud of me, okay?
I love you so much.
- Oh, you got me, now you
got me, no, no, I got you!
Goose!
- Got you!
Hey.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Did you have fun last night?
- Uh,
yeah, it was okay.
- Mm-hmm, okay.
Okay.
I have a gift for you
that will last a lifetime.
- I hope it's not a puppy.
- No, what do you think
this is, "John Wick 6"?
- Good one, what is it?
- Just open it.
- Okay.
Oh my God, you're naming
the baby after me.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Thank you.
Okay, I have something
for you, too.
- What is it?
- Well, it starts
with a road trip.
- I hope it doesn't end
in driving off a cliff.
- Not quite.
- What are we doing at
this ass wipe's office?
I cannot afford to
go to jail right now,
and besides, I'm sure
you have better things
to be doing on your
last day of earth.
- Mary, we're gonna get
Dad's money back, okay?
Now, when I say go, you
vanish, get in my car and go.
- Affirmative, copy that.
- What?
- Copy that.
- Copy what?
- Copy that, copy
that, they say it
in all the heist movie,
"Ocean's 11," 12, 13-
- Wait, wait, wait, focus, okay?
- Copy that.
- Okay, sorry.
- Ugh, will you
please grow a pair?
Make the deal and then
ask for forgiveness later.
You got it?
Oh, seriously?
What the f*ck, Mary,
really, Mary, again?
What the f*ck?
What are you doing here again?
Listen, I told you, you
are not gonna get a nickel
from me as long as
I'm alive.
- Finally, we have
common ground.
- What's that
supposed to mean, huh?
- Okay, go, Mary, go!
- I love you, be careful!
- What the, what, what the f*ck?
- You know, a woman scorned,
hell hath no fury, all that?
Except add to that that the
woman only has a day to live,
and you stole my dad's last
dime, and you're a d*ck.
What the
f*ck are you talking about?
- You have two options, the
first one will end well,
and the second one won't.
You just simply have
to wire me $350,000.
Three, no,
no, no, it was 300,000.
- Yeah, the extra 50K
is an assh*le tax.
- Yeah, and what's
my second option?
- You don't want to
know your second option.
- You're bluffing, you
don't have the balls.
No, actually,
you don't have the balls.
You are
going to prison, bitch.
Oh, yeah?
- Okay, fine, fine, fine,
I'll wire the money.
Fine.
Happy?
- Yeah, it was a good choice.
Wait a minute, you, you're
live streaming this?
You stupid bitch, you two
broads are gonna die in prison.
This is kidnapping,
it's kidnapping!
- You tell anyone else
that Mary was involved,
I will personally make sure
that it's not just your
balls that fry, okay?
Oh, and one more
thing, by the way,
where are the keys
to your Lambo?
Eat a
bag of dicks, bitch.
Oh, top drawer!
- Thank you.
Dispatch
221, suspect spotted,
blue Lamborghini, assumed
armed and dangerous.
♪ I can't seem to find just
where my heart's gone ♪
- How did we get here?
I mean, Amy's gonna die in jail.
I don't know, and the
arraignment's tomorrow, so
it's over.
It's a f*cking nightmare.
- All rise, Department One
of the Circuit Court is now
in session, Judge
Hawkins presiding.
Please be seated.
- Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
We only have two items
on the docket today.
Calling first the
arraignment of the case
of the People of the State of
California versus Jim Dejello.
Are both sides ready?
I just want to say here,
let's be very respectful
of the victims that I've allowed
to be in the audience today.
- I recognize that scent.
No!
- What's it been, four years?
- Jim Dejello, you
have been accused
of 24 counts of sexual as*ault
and eight counts of m*rder
in the first degree.
How do you plead?
Mr. Dejello?
Mr. Dejello, how do you plead?
- Not guilty, of course.
- f*ck you.
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ All the lights playing games ♪
♪ On all the counters
and windowpanes ♪
♪ Sun is bright,
it's a new day ♪
♪ And I feel brand new ♪
♪ All the winter is gone ♪
♪ It seems it's
been here so long ♪
♪ I want to feel like I belong ♪
♪ Part of something good ♪
♪ Catching on like a wildfire ♪
♪ Feeling for a
brand new start ♪
♪ Rain is gone, now
it's so much brighter ♪
♪ A new song in my heart ♪
♪ I'm seeing everything
new, all things new ♪
♪ Like for the first time a
perfect view, a perfect view ♪
♪ You could feel like this too ♪
♪ Catching on like a wildfire ♪
♪ Feeling for a
brand new start ♪
♪ The rain is gone, now
it's so much brighter ♪
♪ A new song in my heart ♪
♪ The rain is gone, now
it's so much brighter ♪
♪ A new song in my heart ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
Amy's F**k It List (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3