Wackiest Wagon Train in the West, The (1976)

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Wackiest Wagon Train in the West, The (1976)

Post by bunniefuu »

THEME SONG: Let's follow the
path of Dusty's trail, oh

Dusty's trail, Dusty's trail.

A stage and a wagon a-heading
west, part of a wagon train

lost from the rest.

Dusty's the reason
for their plight.

Thanks to Dusty,
nothing's right.

Only the wagon master's
hand keeps 'em a-rolling

through the promised land.

Oh, the going gets mighty rough,
but they don't seem to mind.

It's California, that's
the place they must find.

Deserts and rocks
are in their way,

but they won't
stop, come what may.

Mountains and hills
that they must scale,

but they know they'll
make it 'cause they

just can't fail
on Dusty's trail.

[music playing]

Well, we're ready
to move out, Dusty.

You got everything straight?

Yes, sir, Mr. Callahan.

You're gonna ride ahead
to scout the trail,

and we'll remain
about a mile behind.

-Right.
-All right.

Don't worry about a thing.

I got everything under control.

WAGONMASTER CALLAHAN: Good.

Wagon ho!

[music playing]
-Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa!

Jeez, whoa!

Whoa!

Please, whoa, whoa!

Please, whoa!

We'll be getting started soon
as Dusty gets the team hitched

up to the stage.

Thought he had them hitched.

Yeah, so did he.

Oh, Andy?

Yeah, Mr. Callahan?

You be sure and keep that wagon
close to the stage on the trail

today.

We're apt to run
into some Hackamaws.

Hackamaws?

Yeah, Indians.

The Hackamaws are the
most hostile and fierce

of all the Indians.

Doesn't that make you nervous?

Not Lulu.

I'll match my w*r paint against
their w*r paint anytime.

Well, now, that's how
it should have been

done the first time, Dusty.

Yes, sir.

Well, now, if you people
get in, we'll get started.

I thought I made
it perfectly clear

that you ought to
handle the stagecoach,

and Dusty can do the scouting.

Oh, boy!

I'm the wagon master, so
I will make the decisions.

May I remind you they
have just discovered gold

in the California territory?

I must get there as
quickly as possible to open

a Western branch of my bank.

How many banks you own
doesn't mean a thing to me.

I also own the company
which owns this wagon train.

Now, that means
something to me.

Well, if that's the
way you want it,

Dusty, you are
going to ride scout.

Oh, wow!

I always wanted to ride scout.

[music playing]

Wait a minute, Dusty!

Fix the stirrup for you.

There.

[music playing]

I'll show him.

[music playing]

Well, thanks, Dusty.

For what, Mr. Callahan?

For not wearing spurs.

Yeah.

[music playing]

[growling]

[woman shouting]

[music playing]

It's all right.

It's OK.

I won't hurt you.

[music playing]

Oh, my gosh.

[music playing]

Oh, you kid.

[music playing]

Whoa, there!

Whoa, boys!

What happened, Dusty?

Well, I got there just in time.

He was being mauled by a bear.

What's happened now?

He's just a boy.

Yeah, a Hackamaw Indian.

Well I couldn't
leave him there.

He might have d*ed.

His tribe would've
found him, buzzard brain.

Now they'll find us.

Yeah, the Hackamaws are noted
for their tracking ability.

They are?

Lulu and I better take
care of his wounds.

Here, Andy.

Good idea.

Then we can drop him off
where Dusty found him.

Should I water your
horse, Mr. Callahan?

Oh, boy.

That was a smart thing to do.

Don't you know that those
Hackamaws might could

be looking for him right now?

You-- well, at least you
covered your trail, huh?

[music playing]

[non-english speech].

[music playing]

Shh.

Lucky thing we had
these spare wheels.

We can leave some phony
tracks, throw the Hackamaws off

our trail.

Are you sure the
Hackamaws are trailing us?

Positive, but we can't
tell the passengers.

They might panic.

I wish they would.

I'd like a little company.

Hey, just quiet down, will you?

Put the wheel on the axle.

Besides, I mean,
how do you know

they're gonna follow this trail
instead of the other trail?

There won't be any other trail.

We're gonna wipe 'em out
with some brush, huh?

Ah, that's a bright idea.

Wonder why I didn't think of it.

Because it was a bright idea.

What happened to your end?

I'll show you.

That's what happened to my end.

Shh!

Now come on, let's get
the wheels on that axle

before those Hackamaws
catch up with us.

Hey, Dusty, you
tighten up that bolt,

and I'll go clear the
brush out of the way.

[music playing]

Mr. Callahan?

Mr. Callahan!

Mr. Callahan?

Mr. Callahan!

Can't you see I'm busy?

Run!

[music playing]

Get away!
-Hey!

Hey!

[music playing]

Move it, Dusty!

Mr. Callahan!

Look out!

[crashing]

[music playing]

They should be able to follow
that trail, huh, Mr. Callahan?

Yes, Dusty.

Oh, they certainly should.

[music playing]

LULU: These wounds
don't look too serious.

No, but he's starting
to get a fever.

What are you looking at?

The design on this headband.

Very unusual.

I wonder if it means anything.

Andy might know.

Before we left, he studied about
all the Indians, the rivers,

the mountains-- everything
we'd encounter on the trip.

He really came prepared.

I should have known.

Any man who wears suspenders
and a belt is always prepared.

Huh?

Never mind.

Andy?

Bringing that Indian boy
back here-- when are you gonna

do something right, Dusty?

Mr. Callahan!

Hey, whoa!

Whoa.

Come on, boy.

Whoa, whoa.

What's delaying us now?

I got to talk to Andy.

What's the problem?

It's about the Indian boy.

If we get in any
more trouble over him,

I'm gonna use you
for target practice.

ANDY: You didn't get a chance
to look at his headband before.

Now, unless I'm wrong--

Huh.

Chief's son?

Exactly.

Oh, that's great.

Just great.

You've done it this time.

Every brave in that
tribe will be after us.

On the contrary.

Now, a chief's son could be
a valuable asset in a trade.

Oh?

For safe passage through
the Hackamaw territory.

Safe passage?

Ah, you're right.

By delivering the
chief's son to us,

Dusty's all but
guaranteed our safety.

You know, if
anything, he's a hero.

[music playing]

How is he?

Still burning with fever.

I'll make another wet compress.

It might let him
sleep a little better.

WAGONMASTER CALLAHAN: Yeah, we
got to keep him in good shape.

Poor thing.

He's still unconcious.

Yeah, speaking of unconscious,
better wake Dusty up.

It's his turn to take
over the guard duty.

Anything I can get for you?

No.

I'll just sit with
the boy a while.

Yeah.

Good.

[music playing]

Oh, it's you, Mr. Callahan.

Well, who did you expect?

Daniel Boone?

Come on, now.

Wake up, Dusty.

It's time for you to
take over guard duty.

We're by that big rock.

Dusty, this is the
last watch before dawn.

Yes, sir, Mister--

Dusty.

-Callahan.
-Wake up!

I'm awake.

Well, stay that way.

Yes, sir.

Wake me at dawn so we
can get an early start.

Right.

[snoring]

Dusty.

What are your orders?

Wake you at start so
you can get early dawn.

Yeah-- close enough.

[music playing]

[snoring]

[music playing]

Betsy's gone, too!

She's not in the wagon.

Yeah, I know.

Look at those
tracks-- moccasins!

Looks like a couple
Indians came in here

and took the boy and Betsy.

Hey, where's Dusty?

Maybe they took him, too.

No, no such luck.

Dusty, wake up!
Wake up!

Sorry, Mr. Callahan.

I must have dozed off
For a few minutes.

Yeah, while you dozed
off for a few minutes,

two braves came in
here and captured

the Indian boy and Betsy!

Two Indian boys
captured Indian Betsy?

No, no.

Two Betsies captured
the brave-- oh, Dusty.

Come on, we'd better pick up
the trail while it's fresh.

Wait for me.

[music playing]

Mr. Brookhaven.

Mr. Brookhaven!

Hey, I was right in the
middle of my [inaudible].

I'm afraid we've
got some bad news.

The Hackamaws have
Betsy tied to a post.

Yeah, and those braves
keep walking past her

and poking her with a stick.

That means that one of 'em's
gonna take her as his wife.

Those scoundrels!

I say we should
get on our horses

and ride as far away as we can!

Mr. Brookhaven, you should be
ashamed, suggesting we ride off

without attempting a rescue.

Yeah, one of us could slip
in there and get her out.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

One moment, wagon master.

What will happen to us if
anything happens to you?

I'd be in charge.

That's a foreboding thought.

Yeah, your point is well taken.

It'll have to be somebody else.

I'll go.

He volunteered.

Why didn't you?

He b*at me to it.

Now, volunteer!

That's an order.

I volunteer.

Mr. Callahan, I must
insist I be allowed to go.

In preparing for
this trip, I studied

several Indian languages,
including the Hackamaw dialect.

I believe that gives me
a distinct advantage.

We'll be ready to
move as soon as you

get back here with Betsy.

I should be back with
her within an hour,

unless I run into a problem.

Yeah.

[music playing]

He ran into a problem.

Listen up, I got a
great plan how somebody

can walk right into
that Hackamaw camp

without even being noticed.
-Fantastic.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, somebody wearing
these clothes, a little skin

dye, and some braids, feathers,
they could walk right in there

and cut Betsy and Andy loose.

That's a great plan.
It can't fail.

Yeah.

The only trouble
is, somebody wearing

these clothes got
to be kind of small,

slight, built about like you.

It'll never work.

Yeah, looks too red.

Better put in some
more blueberries,

tone you down a bit.

Mmm.

I taste delicious.

Oh, be serious, will you?

Two people's lives
depend on you.

Three, including me.

Oh, now listen, little pal,
you don't think for a minute I'd

let you go over there if there
wasn't a good chance of you

coming back all right, do you?

I guess not.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Now you dab that on yourself,
and I'll go see Lulu,

see how the braids are coming.

[music playing]

Hey, that looks great.

Where'd you get the hair?

Yeah, that looks like a
Hackamaw braid, all right.

Just don't tell
Dusty where I got it.

Yeah, well, seems the two of
them go very well together.

Yeah.

All right, Dusty.

Now, I'd better teach you a
few words of Hackamaw in case

you've got to speak to somebody.
-Good idea.

How do you say, I surrender?

Oh, now, stop that.

Now listen, let's say
you get into camp,

and you cut Andy and
Betsy free, you see?

And a brave says to
you, [non-english].

Then you say to
him, [non-english].

You see?

He has said to you, where
are you taking the prisoners?

And you say to
him, to the chief.

You got that?

Yeah, yeah. if he says
to me, [non-english]--

No, no, no.

You just said, did
you catch any worms?

Did I say that?

Listen up, will you?

Now pay attention.

We haven't got much time.

Repeat after me.

[non-english speech].

Now put it all together.

[non-english speech].

-Hey, that's great!
-Hey, that's great!

No, no.

Just using the Indian word.

Oh. [non-english speech].

Ah, that's fine.

Then you say to him--

[whooping]

[music playing]

Put the wagons in a circle!

Put the wagons in a circle!

We've only got two wagons!

You get everybody hid,
and I'll keep 'em busy!

[music playing]

Behind the rock!

Behind the rock!

Behind the rock!

Behind the rock!

[music playing]

[non-english speech].

[music playing]

[non-english speech].

[music playing]

Dusty, you?

What did you tackle me for?

I'm sorry.

I guess I just got carried away.

Oh.

All right!

All right!

[non-english speech].

Unhand her, you villain!

And be careful with that hat!

How long does this go on
before they select a wife?

I don't know, but
I sure hope they

believe in long engagements.

I haven't been
able to spot Dusty.

Are you sure he's here?

Yeah, he's a hero.

All them braves
keep slapping him

on the back for capturing me.

He may have saved our lives.

Huh?

Well, the odds are you
would have been caught.

By capturing you himself,
Dusty's proved he's a Hackamaw.

Now he's free to help us.

I don't know what to do!

I can't att*ck them all!

Cut me loose.
Cut me loose.

[non-english speech].

He just chose Betsy
to be his wife.

Oh, somebody help me!

Please help me!

Dusty's challenged him
to a fight with spears.

I did?

[non-english speech].

[music playing]

LULU: That must be the chief.

BETSY: And the little
boy Dusty saved.

[music playing]

[non-english speech].

He just told him that
Dusty saved his life

and that we made him well!

[non-english speech].

ANDY: He's gonna cut us loose!

It's all right.

It's all right, darling.

Everything's all right.
We won!

Won what?

[music playing]

OK, little doggie.

Just hold still, 'cause
I'm gonna rope and tie you.

[music playing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

[music playing]

Please!

Whoa, whoa!

Please, whoa!

[music playing]

Mr. Callahan, look
what I caught.

Looks more like he caught you.

She's really a
beauty, isn't she?

A genuine Appalachian.

It's not an Appalachian.

It's Appaloosa.

And it's not a she, it's a he.

I don't care if
it's a boy Appaloosa

or a girl Appalachian.

It's a beauty.

He sure is.

Can I keep him?

Well, looks like a wild horse.

No shoes.

Don't see any sign of a brand.

Yeah?

Look like you found
yourself a horse, Dusty.

Really?

He's my own horse,
and I can keep him?

My own horse!

Uh, don't-- don't fight.

I'll see if I can
get you out of this.

You get in some of the wildest--

I won't let go.

Let-- let go of this one.

Huh?

Let go!

[music playing]

Looks like you're Appaloosa
cut off here, Uriah, with them

other tracks.

I told you it was a
horse thief, Marshal.

Keep your rope handy, Roy.

As soon as we catch up with him,
we're gonna hang that varmint

to the nearest tree!

[music playing]

And it's not exactly
the governor's mansion.

Oh, no.

But it'll sure be nice to
sleep inside for one night.

The corral's in
pretty good shape.

I'd be happier with that
information if I were a horse.

This place looks like it's
a rest home for termites.

Oh, Carter, why is everything
out west so western?

[music playing]

Whoa.

All right.

That a boy.

Hey, look, everybody!

I caught myself a wild horse!

Dusty, he's beautiful!

Well, I'll be.

He's a beauty!

I'm gonna call him
Freckles on account

he's got all those freckles.

No, those are called blotches.

I'm still gonna
call him Freckles.

I don't like the name Blotch.

He is an elegant-looking
beast, isn't he?

Yeah.

It'd cost you a pretty piece
of change to buy one like that.

Please, I never invest
in anything that eats!

I'm not gonna sell him.

I'm gonna keep him forever.

Well, may take you
that long to break him.

He looks a little ornery to me.

I can be just as
ornery as he is.

I just need a little practice.

Well, afraid we
haven't got time, Dusty.

We're gonna pull out of
here at sunup tomorrow.

Good!

The accommodations here
are simply dreadful.

Hey!

Mr. Callahan, guess what?

I found a telegraph in there.

Oh, boy a telegraph!

I mean, a real telegraph!

I-- what's a telegraph?

Well, it's a new
invention by Samuel Morse.

You see that wire?

You can send messages over it.

You've got to be joshing me.

You can't send messages over a
little skinny wire like that.

You can-- where's
the word even fit?

Yes, you can.

You send it by clicking a
series of dots and dashes.

That invention is
gonna make millions.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing.

He always cries when he hears
of someone else making millions.

WAGONMASTER CALLAHAN: Oh.

Anyway, I figure if I can
repair the break in the wire,

I can make contact all
the way back to St. Louis.

Oh, good!

We can find out where
we are and where to go.

How long you think it'll take
you to fix that contraption?

A couple of days, maybe three.

Oh, great!

Then I can break Freckles
while we're waiting!

Yeah.

And then you'd have your
very own horse, Dusty.

Yeah, my very own horse.

Me and Freckles,
together forever.

Looks like your horse thief
joined a wagon train, Uriah.

Yeah, yeah.
Come on.

Let's move, Marshal.

I don't want him crossing any
borders 'fore we hang him.

OK.

[music playing]

Wow, that makes 17 times
he's hit the ground,

according to my count.

I counted 18.

You're both wrong.
It's 20.

You forgot the time
he bounced twice.

Come on, Dusty!

Get up on him again, boy!

LULU: Come on, Dusty!

[music playing]

DUSTY: Haha!

Ride him!

Come on, Dusty!

Ride him, Dusty!

Yeah!

[music playing]

Hey, Dusty, why don't
you quit for a while?

I think he's tired.

You think he's tired, huh?

Yeah, he's not throwing
me as far as he was before.

All right, Dusty.

I'm gonna show you something
about breaking a horse.

Yeah?

The first thing you've got
to do is show him who's boss.

He knows that.

He knows that.

Come on.

Come on.

To Johns, Bean, Bean
and Stringfellow.

Stop.

Uh, buy one million
shares of Erie Barge.

Stop.

Mr. Brookhaven, even if I
repair this telegraph key,

I must use it for more
important messages than that.

More important than money?

I mean-- if you're not joking,
young man, you're sick.

[music playing]

Whoa.

[music playing]

Hey.

Oh, feels just like I slipped
and fell in the bathtub.

Look, it is a bathtub!

Well, I'll be--

I wonder why anyone
would leave it here.

Well, too heavy to
carry on a stagecoach.

They probably busted an
axle getting it this far.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

A hot bath!

A hot bath.

Hey, how 'bout that Dusty?

A nice, hot bath.

It's not big enough
for all of us.

No, no, separately, little pal.

Separately.

Girls, go heat up some water.

Right away!

Here, come on.

Come on.

Right away.

Right away.

Knees tight.

[music playing]

There's a telegram
pole, Marshal!

Yeah, it leads to the old
relay station up ahead.

Aha!

And so does our
horse thief's tracks.

Get that rope ready, Roy.

[music playing]

There you go.

Hurry with the hot water.

My goosebumps are getting
bigger than the soap bubbles.

Now, don't be
frightened, Freckles.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Question is, are you
gonna do the same?

OK.

[music playing]

Easy boy, easy.

Easy, easy.

This is your friend.

Easy.

This is your friend-- Dusty!

[music playing]

Whoa, whoa!

[music playing]

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

acting like a wild animal.

I just wanted to be your friend.

Some friend you
turned out to be.

OK.

I'm not gonna put up with
anymore horsing around,

even if you are a horse.

Do you understand?

Hmm?

[music playing]

You did it, Dusty!

You gentled him!

Yeah, you showed
him who's boss!

Dusty, you're a man
after my own heart.

I can't believe it-- my own
horse, my really own horse

for the rest of my life.

Course, that won't
be for very long.

Welcome to the hanging, folks.

There are strong trees over by
that relay station, Marshal.

Why don't we hang
him over there?

Just a minute!

Dusty did not steal that horse.

You're right.

He's innocent.

You'll have to prove otherwise!

Well, that's easy.

This horse is Circle O stock.

He's only got one mark
on him, and it's mine.

And there it is.

Circle O.

Well, I've looked
at a lot of brands,

but I never saw
that circle before.

Well, that horse has always
been covered with spots.

First time I saw him, I
thought he had measles.

He's a lowdown horse thief,
and we're gonna hang him!

Now hold on!

There are extenuating
circumstances.

Constable, you must not
allow this to happen!

Or the United States
government will not receive

another penny of my tax money.

Thought you were
supposed to be a law man.

What kind of justice do
they have in this territory?

OK, OK.

We'll give him a fair trial.

Now, that's better.

And then we'll hang him.

Order in the court!

[music playing]

How long have you
known the defendant?

Since we left the East.

In your personal opinion,
would he ever steal anything?

Oh, no.
Never.

See?

I'm innocent!

Sit down!

We ain't even got to the part
about you stealing horses yet.

Do you believe that Dusty
would go around stealing horses?

Your honor, Dusty wouldn't
steal honey from a beehive.

There's two things I wouldn't
steal-- horses and honey.

Sit down!

Marshal, what's
he saying got to do

with him stealing my Appaloosa?

She's a character witness!

What we need here
is a miracle witness.

Order in the court!

Your honor, may I,
uh, approach the bench?

That's what I call a good
approach to the bench.

Uh, say what you
have to say, ma'am.

Well, your honor, I'd,
uh, do just about anything

to save Dusty's life.

Marshal, if we're gonna get
on with hanging this fella,

don't you go getting
swayed by no painted lady!

Well!

She ain't no painted lady!

She's my friend!

And if you want to be swayed
by my friend, the painted lady,

just go right ahead.

Order!

Uh you can step down now, miss.

Hmm.

Uh, uh, your honor?

I think it is time that
I had a talk with you

in the privacy of your chambers.

I ain't got no chambers.

Speak your mind.

Well, it's, uh, it's
terribly personal.

It concerns, um--

Are you offering me a bribe?

A bribe?

How dare you, sir?

Well, if you are, you're
wasting your money.

I was merely willing to offer
a very great deal of money

to have you release this
young man on bail permanently.

Carter would never
dream of bribing anyone.

It still sounded
like a bribe to me.

Let me approach it
in a different way.

I am willing to pay a
large amount of money

to this young man here for
the misappropriated horse,

providing it spares
Dusty's life.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Brookhaven.

The horse ain't
for sale, mister,

no matter how much
money you got.

Nonsense!

Every man has his price!

Women, too, your honor.

Order in the court!

Sit down, mister.

You had your piece.

Has anybody else got anything
to say before I pass judgement?

I do.

That man is guilty.

Right.

Oh, I mean he is guilty
of making a simple mistake.

Why, if Dusty here
thought for a minute

that horse belonged
to somebody else,

he'd have never
claimed it for his own.

Well, you and I both know
we all make stupid mistakes

from time to time.

I sure do.

Just like he's doing now.

Right.

I should have been the
one to find that brand,

but I didn't, so it's
my fault. And I'm

asking you to hang me instead.

You don't have
to take my blame.

Marshal, we found the accused
sitting on my horse, not him.

And that's a hard fact.

Under the circumstances,
I ain't got but one choice,

and that's to find you,
the defendant, guilty!

Oh, no.

Silence!

Order in the court!

I'm afraid we're gonna
have to hang you, son.

What are you afraid about?

I'm the one who's gonna be hung.

We'll hang him at sunup.

That only gives me about 12
hours to fix that telegraph.

What good's that
gonna do us now?

There's a territorial court
of appeals in Johnson City.

If I can get the judge
there to declare a mistrial,

the marshal will
have to free Dusty.

Come on, let's shackle him up.

Take him over there.

Court's adjourned.

[music playing]

Now, you can sleep
in this tonight.

Well, considering the
hanging and everything,

I don't like the
shape of my bed.

Well, this way nobody will
have to keep guard and everybody

will get a good night's rest.

Now get in there.

There's no way he's
gonna run away chained

to this fancy wash barrel!

[music playing]

Andy, you go see if you can
get that telegraph fixed.

I got an idea that might
give us the time we need.

Right.

[music playing]

Hey, Dusty boy.

Dusty, wake up.

I got the key!

Hey, here.

You unlock-- you
unlock that one.

I got to get my g*ns.

[music playing]

You OK, Dusty?

Yeah, I guess so.

That handcuff was really tight.

Shh, shh, shh.

But that handcuff really hurts
when you've got it on your--

-You'll wake up the marshal!
-You don't believe me,

I'll show you.

Look, just like that.

See?

It hurts, huh?

Shh.

I think the marshal's waking up.

Oh, no.

If he catches me out of my
handcuff, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna

be k*lled before I get hung!

-No, it's all right.
-Hmm?

He went back to sleep again.

Hey, hey-- OK, take these off.

I did give you the
keys, didn't I?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, good.

But, uh, but, uh--

But-- but what?

But I threw 'em
away over there.

You-- if we get out of
this, I may hang you myself.

I know.

Huh?

[music playing]

Wait, wait.

[music playing]

Do you folks know the penalty
for aiding and abetting

the escape of a horse thief?

We didn't aid and abet anyone.

Well, I would have
if I could have.

We would have if we could
have, and we should have.

That wagon master
sprung him loose.

Looks like when
we catch up to him,

we'll have a double
necktie party!

[music playing]

Will you warn me when
you're gonna stop?

I'm sorry.

Stop!

Was that fast enough?

Hey, Dusty, do you
know where we are?

Yeah, I sure do-- up the creek.

No, no.

This is the place you
found that Appaloosa.

Oh, no.
Let's get out of here.

I don't want to
find another one!

I'll get hung twice!
-No, no no!

If we can find another
set of hoof prints,

it might lead us to
the real horse thief.

Yeah.

We'll split up so we
can cover more ground.

That way.

Right.

Wait, no.

We have got to find something
to get these things off of us.

Not a chance.

These handcuffs are
as solid as a rock.

Well, keep looking, anyway.

OK.

Can't see anything.

Neither can I.

Well, I guess we're
really stuck together

for the rest of our lives.

I guess so.

Uh-- hey, how'd you do that?

How did I-- how did I do that?

Never mind.

Never mind.

When we're old and
sitting in rocking chairs,

we'll figure it out.

But we will never
live to get old if we

don't find that horse thief.

I tell you what--
you take that trail.

I'll go down that way.

If either one of us spot
anything, we meet back here.

All right?

Yeah.

[music playing]

Don't take 'em
off, young fella.

Some folks like to die
with their boots on.

Not me.

Please reconsider
what you're doing!

DUSTY: Hey, hold the hanging!

Hold the hanging!

Here.

Here's your horse
thief right here.

It's Crazy Blue!

Crazy Blue?

That's the wild stallion
that's been chasing horses

off all over the territory.

I thought he was dead.

He ain't been around
these parts for years!

Yeah, well, he's driven
some of your prized stock

into a box canyon about
four miles from here.

He could've driven off that
Appaloosa of yours, too.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, suppose he could've.

Well, now, I reckon we
almost made a dumb mistake.

You are free to go, sonny.

I know, I know.

Mr. Callahan, I
don't know how to say

thank you except-- thank you.

Oh, that's all
right, little pal.

You'd have done anything in
the world to save my neck,

wouldn't you?

I'd save your whole body.

[music playing]

Hold it.

Hey, what's on your mind?

Man we passed
yesterday, he said

there's a wagon train over here
with some real purty girls.

We'd like to get
friendly with 'em.

Well, you can see
there's no women at all

on this wagon train here.

You can--

We know you got girls here.

We want to meet 'em, or else.

Or else what?

Or else this.

Understand?

Yeah, now that
you've explained it.

Gets their g*ns McGirk.

Right, Jake.

All right.

I'll just take these.

Now, we'll get some
branding to do,

but we'll be back
before sundown.

Branding?

Uh, how many head of
cattle you got, McGirk?

Well, that depends on
how many we can steal.

I'll just take this
shotgun here, too.

Oh, there's another one
hid under the seat, Jake.

Now, you just be
worrying about sundown.

Make sure those women
are friendly, hear?

[music playing]

He shattered it.

Yeah, without even aiming.

See you before sundown--

Bam!
Bam!

Bam!
-Dusty!

Bam!

Now stop that.

Betsy and Lulu are
in real trouble!

Got to be some way out of this.

I got a way!

Let's run, huh?

Dusty.

Now, now, Dusty may
be right, Mr. Callahan.

We've got that spare
wheel in the wagon,

and they said they won't
be back before sundown.

Now, you're right.

All right.

Let's get it on and get rolling.

You go round up the
others and get 'em

back here as fast as you can.
-Right.

As soon as I tell 'em
about Jake and McGirk,

they'll come running!

Now, listen.

You go get 'em and get 'em back
here, but don't say a word!

You'll only scare 'em!

Yeah, and what they don't
know won't hurt them.

Understand?
-Sure.

Right now, I'm scared to death.

Don't worry, Mr. Callahan.

I won't breathe a word to 'em!

[music playing]

Betsy, Lulu!

We got to get back to camp!
Hurry!

What's the hurry?

I can't tell you.

Why can't you tell us?

I can't tell you
why I can't tell you

because that would be telling.

But we got to get started real
quick before it's too late.

Too late for what?

Too late for us.

Look, don't ask
me anything more.

I can't tell you about McGirk
and then Jake and the danger

and the cattle thieves.

Well, who are McGirk and Jake?

What danger?

And what cattle thieves?

Dusty, you're not making sense!

I know.

I'll see you back at camp.

CARTER: Ready for the
pheasant hunt, my dear?

Ready, when you are, Carter.

Then tallyho!

Here, pheasant,
pheasant, pheasant!

One more time, dear.

I think you interest him.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs.
Brookhaven, come on!

Hurry!
-Hurry?

Where?

Mr. Callahan wants
everybody back at the wagons

and packed up right away!

It's important.

What could be more important
than pheasant under grass.

Us under ground.

Under ground?

Oh, what are you talking about?

I can't tell you
because if I tell

you what I'm not
supposed to tell you,

you'll only get scared.
-Scared?

Scared?

Scared of what?

I can't tell you
about the danger.

What danger?

Well, there's Jake and
McGirk and the women

and bam, bam, bam, bam!

I'll see you back at camp.

And hurry!

Let's hope that axle holds up
till we get to the next town.

Yeah, hope so.

Let's get this wagon loaded.

I want to get out
of here, pronto.

I did it, Mr. Callahan.

They're all coming.

And you didn't
tell anybody why?

Not a hint.

I promised, didn't I?

Mr. Callahan?

Mr. Callahan, why
are we leaving?

And-- and who are
Jake and McGirk?

And what's this about
cattle thieves and danger?

And what's with this
bam, bam, bam, bam?

Not even a hint, huh?

Well, maybe a
little, teeny one.

I demand to know
what is going on.

All right.
Hold it.

Hold it, everybody.

There's two cattle thieves
named Jake and McGirk.

And they came riding in
here demanding our women.

We tried to put 'em off,
but they've got our g*ns.

They're gonna be back by
sundown looking for these women,

and I want this wagon train
packed and rolling before then.

I'll be packed in one second.

Oh, me, too!

What about the pheasants?

Blast the pheasants!

They can pack for themselves!

Dusty, get the horses.

Right away, sir.

All right.

Let's get this thing going here.

Come on, you guys!

You got to get out of here!

There's a lot of danger!

We've got to get
back to the wagon!

I got to take you
guys down there.

Jake and McGirk's coming
back before sundown!

Come on.

OK.

Everybody get ready.

We gotta get going!

Oh!

Hey, wait for me!

No, you guys!

Come on, you guys!

[music playing]

Ready to roll, Mr. Callahan.

So are we!

Dusty will be right
here with the horses.

Hey, Dusty, where
are the horses?

That's a good question.

Only problem is,
there's four answers.

Four answers?

Yeah-- north, south,
east, and west.

Oh, take us all day to
round those horses up.

Looks like we're stuck here.

What do you mean,
we're stuck here?

With those men
due before sundown?

Mr. Callahan, you
are paid to defend us!

You must simply
protect our women!

Poor Betsy and Lulu!

What about me, Carter?

I'm a woman, too.

Ah, of course you are, my pet.

But Betsy and Lulu are
single, whereas you

are married to me, your
valiant knight, your protector.

Oh, beautifully put, Carter.

I thought so, too, dear.

What are we gonna do?

Well, without our
g*ns, the only chance

is the element of surprise.

We got to take 'em
unawares and overpower 'em.

But how?

Well, they're coming
here for girls.

Yeah we'll give 'em girls.

Nice, friendly girls.

OK, turn around.

I want to see the back.

BETSY: You, too, Dusty.

I went to my first dance
in this dress, Dusty.

Yeah, I bet you looked
better than I do.

I feel silly.

What kind of scout
wears girl's clothes?

A Girl Scout.

Shut up and paint your lips.

There.

You're beautiful!

Are we really?

Oh, your bloomers are slipping.

I'll do it!

I don't see how you keep these
things up without suspenders,

anyway.
-Hey, listen.

I want you girls to stay
in that wagon out of sight.

You got that?

You ready, Dolly?

Ready, Kitty.

Good luck.

We know you're risking
your lives for us.

And our reputations.

All right.

Come on, Dolly.

Let's don't keep
our dates waiting.

[music playing]

Dusty, watch your dress.

I can't help it.

I'm always nervous
on the first date.

Relax.

All you got to do is be sweet,
get their g*ns away from 'em.

Then you just, you know, sit
there and-- and smile pretty.

Like this?

Lucky thing for
us, they haven't

seen a woman in a long time.

You call that lucky?

[music playing]

Well, what do we have here?

Looks like we get us a
couple of real cuties.

Hey, baby.

You can call me McGirk.

No, I'm Dolly.

Oh, your beard tickles!

I'm Kitty.

Who are you, big boy?

Jake, and I'm here
to get friendly.

Say, you're a-- a
big girl, aren't you?

Well, just that much
more to get friendly with.

I think you're
mighty pretty, Dolly.

Now come here!

No!

Not so tight!

Don't be so shy, Dolly!

Remember, we're here
to get friendly, huh?

Yes, I know!

But how's a girl
supposed to breathe?

Let's show 'em how, huh, Kitty?

You're wearing a g*n!

I always wear a g*n!

But they frighten me so.

I-- couldn't you just
make an exception?

For me?

Well, considering
it's for you, I--

Nasty.

Yeah.

Come here.
-All right.

Come on, Dolly!

Look how good they're
getting along!

Now come on!

Let's talk first!

Um, what do you
think of the weather?

Oh, I think it's fine!

Yeah.

Read any good books lately?

Will you quit stalling?

I'm getting mad!

Now don't do that!

She's just shy!

I'll talk to her.

Don't be too long now, Kitty.

I'm waiting!

What's the matter?

You crazy or something?

You're supposed to be friendly!

He's not my type.

You don't have to marry him.

You just got to get
him away from his g*n.

Now get back in there,
and be friendly.

OK.

But I wish he'd shaved.

Now-- well, it's all
straightened out now.

Good.

Now come on, Dolly.

Oh you're g*n is poking
a hole in my corset!

That's all that's bother
you, I-- now come here.

Oh, listen.

Why don't we-- why
don't we sit over here?

Just--

No, over there.

Don't move.

This is more like it.

Yeah, well, let's just move
over for a little bit, huh?

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I just-- I just want
to stroke your hair.

Hey!

Now, Dusty!

Dusty!

Hey!

Hold it right there!

Get 'em up!
Get 'em up!

Come on!

Get 'em up!

Get 'em up!

All right, you two.

Nobody does this to us.

Now you're gonna get it.

You know there, for a while,
I really started to like you.

No, don't sh**t!

Here we are.

Girls!

Real ones!

Oh.

Get 'em on the horses!

Let's get out of here!

And you two just stick
right where you are.

What happened?

Yeah, everything
was going great.

But those cutthroats, they
outsmarted us, and then

kidnapped Lulu and Betsy.

Mr. Callahan, you
promised us you

were going to overpower them.

We tried, Mr. Brookhaven.

Yeah, we would have succeeded
except for one thing.

What was that?

Me.

Lulu and Betsy, kidnapped
by those ruffians!

Absolutely barbaric.

You know, Mr. Callahan,
the way Jake and McGirk keep

coming back here,
I figure they must

be camped somewhere nearby.

Good thinking, Andy.

Good thinking.

Let's see if we can pick up
their trail, track 'em down.

Wipe off your mouth.

[music playing]

Now sit down and relax!

Well, please, leave us alone.

You'll never get
away with this.

Who's gonna stop us?

Friends in the dresses?

You know, you're purtier
than them other guys.

I'm gonna like you.

Please don't touch me!

I'm a schoolteacher!

Schoolteacher?

Well, I'd like to
get some learning!

We're glad you ladies
happened to pay us a visit.

I'm sure you are.

This place is a mess.

There's dust all
over everything.

So what?

Well, we would never get
friendly in a dirty place

like this, now would we, Betsy?

Oh, no!

There's dust all over the table!

Wait a minute!

We asked you here to get
friendly, not to clean!

First things first.

Here.

Now you dust the table.

You sweep.

Well, I ain't gonna sweep!

Do you want us to get
friendly or don't you?

Well, uh--

[music playing]

That's more like it.

Now, you get all
the corners, OK?

Betsy, come over here.

This window's filthy.

[music playing]

Lulu, how long do you
think we can stall 'em?

Till our friends
come and save us.

Just keep dusting
until they get here.

Oh, yeah.

Keep a sharp lookout
for any sign of a trail.

Footprints, broken
branches, anything.

Yeah.

I haven't seen
anything like that.

All I keep finding are pieces
of petticoat like this.

Hey, what?

Hey, that's a woman's petticoat.

Yeah, look.

There's another one.

Hey, Lulu.

Yeah.

She'd think of that.

She must have torn these
strips off to leave us a trail.

All we got to do is follow,
lead us right to 'em.

We better hope it's a short
trail or a long petticoat.

When we find 'em, we'd
better have a plan.

You're right, Andy.

Yeah, without any g*ns, we
got-- ah, wait a minute.

Maybe, just maybe-- yeah.

Yeah, You and I'll
follow the trail.

Dusty, you go get
the Brookhavens.

Hey, wait!

Now, get the bugle, pots,
pans, dishes, anything

that'll make a lot of noise.

Oh, and those, uh,
firecrackers we're

saving for the Fourth
of July, coils of rope,

and all the sacks of
flour that you can carry.

All right?

Hurry, and catch up
with us on the trail.

What's all that stuff for?

I'm gonna call out the cavalry.

-The cavalry?
-Our cavalry.

What cavalry?

-Out cavalry!
-Oh that cavalry.

Yes!

Oh.

Our cavalry?

I'll explain it to you later.

Come on.

[music playing]

Enough cleaning!

Let's get to know each
other a little better, huh?

Well, you certainly
got to admit,

the place looks a lot nicer.

Yeah, all spic-and-span.

All ready to get acquainted in.

Now, come on over and sit down.

Uh, just a moment.

Uh, the place looks
night and clean.

But you fellas don't.

You mean, now we have to wash?

You mean just to
get acquainted?

Well, of course!

After all, you are
entertaining ladies.

Uh, here we are!

Um, you first.

I don't believe this!

Uh, don't forget your ears!

Good.

Now here's the soap.

Soap?

That does it.

Now, quit stalling, or
we'll have to get tough!

What do you mean?

He means we want to get chummy!

That's what he means!

Well, you don't have to shout.

I mean, all you
have to do is so.

We were too busy cleaning!

Now, you two sit down over here
and start getting friendly!

[music playing]

That's the place.

I see their horses.

Yeah.

All right.

Bring those supplies up.

When do we rush 'em?

We can't.

They got Lulu and
Betsy down there.

It's too dangerous.

We got to scare 'em out.

Mr. Callahan, where
is your cavalry?

We dragged these
supplies for miles.

And how many will
there be for dinner?

That is our cavalry!

I beg your pardon?

Follow me.

[music playing]

I know a lovely sewing game.

We prefer kissing games.

Uh, oh!

I know a great kissing game.

Uh, the two of you sit down.

Yeah!

And then, uh, close your eyes.

And one of us will kiss you,
and you try and guess who it is.

Won't that be fun?

Well, it's a start.

OK.

Now close your eyes.

Tight.

Now, no peeking.

I'm waiting!

Ready!

Betsy!

Lulu!

No.

Guess again.

Uh, uh, Lulu!

Uh, Betsy!

Nope!

Wrong again!

[shouting]

Now, you two get back in here.

Sit down!

[music playing]

Wait here.

[music playing]

All right.

Now, listen-- we've
got to move fast.

Everybody remembers
what they're supposed

to do when I give the signal?

-Aye aye, captain.
-All right.

I sure hope this plan works.

It's a splendid plan.

I'm in the reserves, you know?

Come, me dear.

Attention!

Forward march!

Hup, hup, hup, hup!

Come on, you.

BETSY: Help!

Help!

Louder.

Help!

Ain't no use in screaming.

There ain't nobody
around for miles.

Our friends are gonna save us.

They'll get you for this.

Who, those two
guys in the skirts?

Hey.

Now, there ain't no
use in struggling here.

Hup, hup, hup, halt!

Hey, you want to put
that right on here.

Yeah.

You got firecrackers ready?

-All ready.
-All right.

Dusty, come on.

Give us something.

[playing bugle]

Charge!

[music playing]

Cavalry!

No, it can't be!

There ain't no fort around here!

The cavalry, Lulu!

Always love men in uniform!

[music playing]

Where'd they come from?

[music playing]

How many out there, Jake?

I don't know.
I can't see a thing.

They must be hiding!

Come on out!

We got you surrounded!

You'll have to
come in and get us!

[music playing]

Come out or we'll
blast you out!

Jake, let's give up!

You better!

It's the whole Army!

Shut up!

We'll fight it out!

Untie 'em, McGirk.

Blast us and you'll
blast the girls!

Fire!

[music playing]

[inaudible] standing.

Get up.

All right, McGirk.

We're going out that front door.

Just keep that girl
in front of you.

Right.

JAKE: Well, go on!

Well, you go on!

Get out that door!

You always go first,
so you go first!

Not this time!

It's your turn!

I do it all the time!

You go first!

You're always first,
and you go first now!

[music playing]

BETSY: You saved us!

[music playing]

Hey hold it.

It's me.

It's me!

Betsy, Lulu, you all right?

You!

Fellas, we've really got to
stop meeting this way, huh?

You all right, Dusty, boy?

Oh, sure, Mr. Callahan.

I'm just fine.

[music playing]

Well, we don't have to worry
about Jake and McGirk anymore.

Sheriff tells me they're gonna
be locked up for a long time.

That's great.

Yeah.

You know something,
Mr. Callahan?

You really look tall and
straight in that saddle today.

Really?

Yeah.

And something else, too-- looks
like you lost a lot of weight,

especially around your middle.

Forgot to take my
corset off, Dolly.

Hey, wagons!

Ho!

[bugle playing]

[music playing]

Whoa.

Saddleburn Wells, Pop 114.

Wonder how old Mom is?

[music playing]

Well, I wonder
where everybody is.

[music playing]

Where is everyone?

I don't know.

It looks to me like we've
found ourselves a ghost town.

[howling]

I think one of them is
trying to tell us something.

A ghost town.

Yeah.

I don't like it.

Got a feeling somebody's
behind me breathing

hot and heavy down my neck.

There is, Callahan.

Dusty!

I told you to stay
close, not that close.

Hey, Mr. Callahan, you
know, this place is in pretty

good shape for a ghost town.

I don't think we're as
alone here as we think.

You feel that, too, huh?

Feel what?

Well, I got-- well, like
somebody's watching us.

Listen, I'll tell you what--
you and Mr. Brookhaven

scout the north
side of the street.

Dusty and I'll take
the south side.

You ladies, you stay
right here by this wagon.

Look, if something scares
you while we're away,

you just fire a sh*t.
We'll come running.

[g*nsh*t]

What are you sh**ting at?

Just testing.

Look, wait till
I tell you, huh?

Come on.

[music playing]

Hey, this town hasn't
been deserted very long.

Look at the blacksmith's forge.

The coals are still hot.

Hmm.

I don't see any horses.

Oh!

Perhaps they all went
off on a fox hunt.

I don't know.

There's something
mysterious going on.

Maybe the barbershop
will tell us something.

Do you want to come with me?

No.

Do you want to stay here?

No.

Where would you like to be?

Back in Boston.

[music playing]

I know someone's staring at us.

I can just feel it.

So can I. But then, I
kinda like being stared at.

It does seem odd.

Yet there's no one in
town to do the staring.

There's some clothes up
there on the clothesline.

Everybody must have
left in a hurry.

Yeah.

They must've cleared out faster
than the Gold Nugget Saloon

the night Two-Ton Tilly
tried to do the belly dance.

[music playing]

Hey, listen, Dusty.

I don't want to scare
the women, but I

smell some trouble up ahead.

Now, you-- you stay close
and cover my back, all right?

OK, OK.

[music playing]

Dusty.

I said cover my back,
not get glued to it.

Now come on.

I want to check out
that saloon up there.

[music playing]

Hey, well, you see that?

Well, maybe it's only the wind.

May be somebody in
there waiting for us.

It's the wind.
I'm sure it's the wind.

I've never been so sure of
anything in my whole life

that it's the wind.
-Why?

Because I don't want to
go in there and find out

it's not the wind.

Let's go, huh?

I'll go check out the saloon.

I just remembered--
I'm a minor.

I'm not allowed.

All right, little pal.

You stay out here.
I'll check the saloon.

You're not gonna leave me
out here in the street alone!

Oh, no.

I'll-- I'll go in and check.

Oh, yuck!

What's the matter?

What'd you see?

The dancehall hostess.

What, dancehall hostess?

Let's go talk to her.
-No!

I mean, she's the
ugliest woman I've

ever seen in my whole life.

She's got a big nose, and her
hair's growing out of her head

like horns.

And her eyes are all
glassy and beady and red.

And her skin is all kinds--

That's not a dancehall hostess.

Look again.

It's a moose head!

Yeah!

A moose head!

I wonder how fast he was
going when he hit that wall.

It--

[music playing]

What took you so long
in the barbershop?

I made an
interesting discovery.

I found a pair of boots, a pair
of pants, and a pair of socks.

Do you know what that means?

Certainly.

Some cowhand was
having his legs shaved.

It means that somebody left
the shop in too much of a hurry

to even dress.

Judging by the quality
of his trousers,

I guess he rushed off
to sh**t his tailor.

I've got a feeling it's all
part of the same mystery.

Let's go over to the
newspaper office.

Maybe the last edition of the
paper will give us a clue.

Good!

Maybe they'll have a
stock market report.

Come along!

It's so dark in here.

I wish we had a
lantern or something.

Maybe there's something
behind the bar.

Oh?

Oh, look.

Hey, I found a candle.

WAGONMASTER CALLAHAN:
Hey, good, little pal.

Here, let me light it for you.

Well, now we can
see what's what.

I can see the saloon and
the tables and the gunpowder.

What?

Gunpowder?

What-- this whole bar is
stacked with gunpowder!

Why would a saloon
be full of gunpowder?

I don't know.

Hold that candle down
here so I can-- uh, Dusty?

That's not a candle.
-Sure it is.

You just said it was.
Why would you lie?

No, no.

That's not a-- that is
a, stick of gunpowder.

That's why you wouldn't lie?

Because of the stick
of g*n-- gunpowder?

What, what, what-- what
are we gonna do with it?

Throw it!
Throw it out the window!

Huh?

No, if I throw it out the
window, I'll break the window.

No, please!

For Pete's sake, throw
it out the window, Dusty!

Oh!

Dusty, get down!

All right.

You can get up now, little pal.

I said-- I said you
can get up now, Dusty.

What's the matter?

Didn't you hear me?
Oh.

Didn't you hear me?
-Huh?

Oh.

You know how they say
when you're gonna die,

your whole life passes
right in front of you?

-Yeah.
-Mine was only half done.

You know, it's
really interesting.

[g*nsh*t]

Hey, that sounds like
the trouble signal.

Let's go.

[music playing]

Hey!

What is it?

Everybody here all right?

Yeah, so far.

But I wouldn't
count on out future.

We found the reason
the townpeople deserted.

It's right here
in this newspaper.

Oh, I'll take one.

here.

Keep the change.

Why, Skullner brothers.

Outlaws.

I never heard of them.

It says here they're armed
bank robbers and murderers!

Perhaps they had an
unpleasant childhood.

Daphne sees good in everyone.

Well, the Skullners
threatened to come back to town

and k*ll everyone if they
didn't give 'em all their money

and their valuables.

Yeah, it's plain as
the nose on your face.

Just a case of blackmail.

So the whole lily-livered
town took a powder.

I think the townspeople
were wise to run,

especially the wealthy ones.

And I happen to be a
member of that club.

Come alone, Daphne.

Now, wait a minute!

Everybody just simmer down.

What-- way I see it, they've
already come and gone.

They saw the town was empty,
and they just took off.

-Yeah.
-Are you sure?

I'm positive.

[g*nf*re]

Well, all-- it's not absolute.

[g*nf*re]

The Skullners are coming!

The Skullners are coming!

Hey, darn it to heck!

The horses are running away!

No, no.

Dusty's chasing 'em.
-No, no.

Dusty's not chasing them.

He's passing them!

[g*nf*re]

All right!

You girls in the wagon!

Come on.

You men follow me.

[music playing]

Thought you'd be halfway
to California by now.

I suddenly realized
it was my job

to help you protect everybody.

Yeah.

Especially me.

Mr. Callahan?

The Skullners obviously
believe that we

are citizens of this town.

Now, I think we
should let them know

that we're perfect strangers.

I think they'd let us go.

Yeah, with their records, I
don't think they'd buy that.

Nevertheless, I would like
to inform them who we are.

Oh, please, be my guest, yes.

I say out there, we
are perfect strangers!

We are perfect strangers!

[g*nsh*t]

Well, I guess they figure
nobody can be perfect, huh?

Hey, wait!

Come here!

Didn't you see what just
happened to Mr. Brookhaven?

Well, yes, sir.

But the Skullners
aren't animals.

I'm sure they'd recognize
the white flag of truce.

What makes you think so?

Well, it happens to be
the code of the West.

-Yeah, the code of the West.
-What?

Oh.

[g*nf*re]

Maybe the code of the East.

[music playing]

The Skullners haven't fired
at us for quite a while.

Maybe they're out of b*ll*ts.

[g*nf*re]

Somehow, I don't think so.

Mr. Callahan!

One of the Skullners
is riding right for us!

[music playing]

We got a visitor, but that
ain't one of the Skullners.

Come on.

Hey.
-What?

It's a scarecrow!

Whoa.

Hey, baby.
Hold on.

Hold on there now a minute.

Yeah, a dead scarecrow.

Look at that Kn*fe.

WAGONMASTER CALLAHAN: Yeah,
it's holding a message.

Ooh, I hate the sight of
blood, even if it's straw.

We have the town surrounded.

Fork over all your gold
and stuff by sunup,

or we'll burn you out.

They're bluffing, of course.

And if you think
we're bluffing,

you're a bigger dummy than
the one on the jackass.

Well, we've still got a problem.

But at least we're safer in here
than we are out on that street.

Where do we go from
here, Mr. Callahan?

We don't go anyplace.

Too dangerous out there.

Impossible!

How can three men
surround a town?

Because they got a lot of g*ns!

Besides, they've got the only
road out of here blocked.

I do not believe those ruffians
realize they are jeopardizing

the lives of women!

Mrs. Brookhaven,
the Skullner brothers

do not care about women, men,
children, pets, or anything

else.

Lulu, Betsy, I think
it's time we stepped in.

That a girl, Mrs. D!

I'm with you.

Uh, me, too, Mrs. Brookhaven.

Daphne, dear!

Not now, Carter!

Good heavens!

Just like her mother!

Mrs. Brookhaven, as your
wagon master, I cannot permit--

Stand aside, Mr. Callahan.

Take my hand, girls.

I think it's time we showed
these men what women can do.

Mrs. B, you've got more
sand in your little craw

than a gila monster
with a long neck!

Thank you!

Uh, wait a minute!

Have you all lost your minds?

I mean, those Skullner
brothers will show no mercy.

They would never
dare sh**t a woman.

Only a bounder or a cad would
entertain such a notion.

Well, I cannot per-- hey!

Stop 'em, Andy!

Whoa!

[music playing]

[g*nf*re]

There were two bounders
and a cad out there!

I guess we'd better change.

Daphne, cover up
your pantaloons.

If anyone should
see you like that,

we'd be drummed right
out of the country club!

You know, it's no use.

They've got us covered so
tight, it'd take an army

to penetrate their position.

Army?
Andy!

Huh?

-That's the answer!
-Yeah, army!

That's the answer!

But what is the question?

Fort Hodgekiss.

It's-- it's just
over the hill there.

If one of us could get
up over those rocks,

we could get some help.

We can draw straws
to see who goes.

No, no.
I'm the wagon master.

I should be the one to do this.

I still think we
should draw straws.

Straw-- oh, yeah, Andy.

Straws.
That's the answer.

Yeah, straws.
That's the answer.

But I still don't
know the question.

Uh, no.
I'll explain it.

[music playing]

You look great, Mr. Callahan.

Thank you, Dusty.

By the time the Skullner
brothers figure out

you're not a scarecrow,
you'll be on your way

to Fort Hodgekiss.

They'll never give
me a second look.

Neither will a crow.

Only trouble is this stuff
makes you want to sneeze.

Whatever you do, don't sneeze.

No, if you sneeze,
you're a dead man.

All right.

Wish me luck.

Luck, luck.

Good thinking.

Yeah.

[music playing]

Our wagon master
is a very brave man.

Oh, I'd say he's
braver than that.

I'd say he's a very,
very brave man.

To show my appreciation, in
case Mr. Callahan is k*lled

in this attempt
to save our lives,

I intend to raise his salary.

Whooey!

Ain't we gonna have us some fun?

Them townfolks is
pinned down as cold

as a dead carp in February.

We'll get all their gold
and burn 'em all down, too!

Yeah, we is!

Oh!

Something's headed this way.

Hey, save your b*ll*ts, Luke.

It's only that old
jackass we sent 'em.

Them folks is so scared, they
can't even hang on to a straw

man on a sway-back mule.

[music playing]

What's the matter, little lady?

Let's move on.

Put one foot in front
of the other there.

That scarecrow looks
a little different.

If you ask me, it looks like
his nose has growed a mite.

Well, let's just see which one
of us can sh**t it flat again.

Come on, let's,
let's-- [sneeze].

Hey, that ain't no scarecrow.

That's a real dummy.

Let him have it, boys!

[music playing]

Blarney and good old Freckles.

They came back, and the rest
of the horses followed 'em.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

It's a great
idea, Mr. Callahan.

Yeah, I've used
that trick before.

All that stuff on the wheels
keep 'em nice and quiet.

We'll be able to sneak
out of town real easy.

Something wrong?

Yeah, it sure feels
funny looking at my bustle

on a different caboose.

Yeah.

Now we got those wagon wheels
all silenced, all of you

can get out of here
without any trouble.

All of us?

Mr. Callahan, aren't
you going with us?

Uh, no, no, no.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna stay here and
keep those Skullner boys--

Oh, no, you're not!

[arguing]

Shh.

Now, I'm your wagon master.

I made up my mind.

I can't let you do it.

I can't let you face 'em alone.

I heartily agree with Dusty.

Perhaps the lad
should stay with you.

No, no.

Dusty's got to scout the trail,
take care of the animals.

Hey, you know that
big tall mountain

over there north, northwest?

You head 'em right toward that.

Uh, north by northwest.

Uh, north.

Yea.

You're quite a guy, Cal.

And when I open up Lulu's
Saloon, I'm-- I'm gonna

name a drink after you.

You just make sure
it's a tall one,

and don't put in
too much water, huh?

Hey, that's all right.

I've learned a lot
from you, Callahan.

OK, Andy.
OK.

-You're a real wagon master.
-Yeah, all right.

All right.

Mr. Callahan, I know
we'll see you soon.

Yeah, of course you will.

Run along, baby.

Mr. Callahan, all of
Mr. Brookhaven's money

couldn't pay you for
what you're about to do.

Oh, what you said!

But you know, Mr.
Callahan, she's quite right.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Brookhaven.

Mrs. Brookhaven.

Is there anything I can do
to help you before I leave?

Uh, yeah.

Why don't we see if all the
weapons are loaded, huh?

Yeah.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Winchester .44.

Yeah, check.

Single barrel.

Check.

-Double barrel.
-Check.

Ah!

Oh!

Oh.

Listen, I'll get a bandage
behind the bar for you.

All right, Dusty.

Oh, oh.

Oh, no, Dusty.

Well, it's all up
to you now, Andy.

I'm sorry, but, you
know, there's nothing I--

Well, you've done all you can.

How did the accident happened?

Well, uh--

Oh, it was all my dumb fault.

No, we got this one caught
in the breach of that shotgun

there.

That wasn't the dumb thing.

The real dumb thing was
he-- he had his hand

on the bar like this, you know?

And I went in to get a bandage,
and I took the countertop

like that and went--

Ow!

[music playing]

Well, I'll tell
you one thing-- that

just about settles our hash.

We've got to have
faith, Mr. Callahan.

There's got to be a way to
stop the Skullner brothers.

Yeah, maybe if Bat
Masterson rode into town.

Yeah, Bat Masterson
could do it.

He was a little guy like me.

When those bad guys
saw him with that cane,

they ran for their lives.

Lulu?

I'm way ahead of you, Cal.

I'm gonna go get my makeup kit.

Folks, meet Bat Masterson.

You're a spitting image.

There you go-- one of Mr.
Brookhaven's very best.

Yeah.

Listen, are you sure I look
enough like Bat Masterson

to fool the Skullner brothers?

Yeah, why don't you just look
a little tougher, you know?

Like you mean business.

Yeah, now.

Now you're getting it.

Come on.

Ah, that's it!

That's it!
-That's perfect, Dusty!

Take a look!

It's sunup, Mr. Callahan.

Skullners will be heading
this way any minute.

All right.

Now you just go out
there and face 'em.

If I got this
figured right, there

won't even be any gunplay.

We'll have you covered
from here as best we can.

I guess this is it.

Poor Dusty.

We may never see him again.

Yes, you will, honey.

That's a closet.

[music playing]

ANDY: Here come the Skullners!

[g*nf*re]

[music playing]

Bat Masterson?

What's Bat Masterson doing here?

Let's go see.

[music playing]

The Skullners have dismounted.

They're coming after him!

Yeah, we'd better get
ready to protect him.

[music playing]

That ain't Bat Masterson.

He ain't twirled his cane yet.

[music playing]

That's Bat Masterson, all right.

We give up, Bat!

Hey, Andy!

You hog-tie them
critters good and tight!

Say, Dusty, that was
a pretty good thing

you done there with that cane!

How'd you do that?

Easy, Mr. Callahan.

All I did was just
take it like this,

and I threw it in
the air, and then

I waited for it to come down.

[music playing]

Goodnight, Mr. Callahan.

[music playing]
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