03x11 - Know Your Role

[bunniefuu]

Mr. Johnson here came to our
country with a secret agenda,

to secure a trade deal

to export our Gjelgjiughm coffee.

Gjelgjiughm will never
engage in a coffee trade deal

with the United States.

I can't believe we're going
back home without a deal.

Hey, it was always a long sh*t.

Look at it this way.

We got to see a new country
and meet some lifelong friends.

Randall, you've made
zero friends on this trip.

But I did get to spend a
solid day in the museum.

Learned a ton about Cannibal's Peak.

The things those soccer
players did to survive...

They had these life-sized dioramas...

Hey, listen.

You tried your best.

You have no experience in
international diplomacy.

The president just threw you in there.

People train for years to
prepare for a situation like that.

I know.

It's just, getting back
into the political arena

and failing... again.

It's frustrating, putting in the work

and still feeling
completely out of my element.

And honestly, it reminds me
of when I first started acting.

I was now one of the top
wrestlers in the country,

and with that distinction
came new opportunities.

Bubbles, nice, Vince.

What's the occasion?

The WWF has never been bigger.

And so much of our
success is thanks to you

and all you've brought to the company.

I mean, we literally took
one of your catchphrases

and made a whole new
show called "SmackDown!"

[CHUCKLES] Thank you, Vince.

It means a lot to hear you say that.

Mm, one sec.

I hate sparkling water. It's unnatural.

- [INTERCOM BEEPS]
- Artie, no more bubble water.

I know I requested it.

Maybe we picked the wrong brand.

Is this the one with
the trees on the label?

The label says it's from Poland.

Poland?

Artie, I can't be
drinking w*r-torn water.

Okay, from now on, I'd like all my water

to be peaceful and regular.

- You got it, Vince. No problem...
- [INTERCOM BEEPS]

Our ratings are through the roof,

and there's a sense we can
attract an even wider audience

by having some of our
superstars cross over

into scripted television.

And given you're one of our top guys,

I'd like you to be the tip of the spear.

You mean, like, as an actor?

Are you open to the idea?

I mean, I've never
seriously thought about it,

but what kid didn't want to
be Schwarzenegger or Stallone?

Action stars, exactly.

And the show we'd like to
cast you in isn't just action.

It's cyber-action.

You ever see the movie "The Net"?

No, not yet, but it's on my list.

Oh, you got to see it.

Sandra Bullock was
always sprinting somewhere

while a computer was loading.

The tension was incredible.

Yeah, I was told it did for computers

what "Speed " did for boats.

And is Sandra gonna be in the show?

They didn't say, but probably.

I mean, I don't know
anything about acting.

Oh, don't worry.
You're gonna be playing a wrestler,

basically a version of yourself.

That could be cool.
I know how to do that.

And you're okay with
me missing TV for this?

That's the best part.
You won't miss any matches.

We'll fly you out for the sh**t
and have you back next week

for "Monday Night Raw."

- Sounds like fun.
- Terrific.

- [INTERCOM BEEPS]
- Artie!

Set a call with the network.

Dwayne's jumping into "The Net."

Got it.

Do you want me to do that before
I change the water order, sir, or...

- Figure it out, Artie!
- [INTERCOM BEEPS]

Sorry about the kid.

Um, I-I need to call you back.

It can be anything you want it to be.
That's what's so great about it.

Sometimes, you want banana bread
and a cheeseburger at the same time.

Or smoked salmon and key lime pie.

Oh, that is not a meal. That's chaos.

I'm just saying, brunch
is a ridiculous concept.

[SCOFFS]

- Hey, babe, how was your day?
- Hey, good.

Funny thing, I met with Vince,

and our network partner
offered me an acting role

- on one of their TV shows.
- [BOTH GASP]

Yeah, it's only for one episode,

but it's for a new
show called "The Net,"

based on the Sandra Bullock movie.

What? Oh, I love her!

Do you know Sandra is fluent in German?

She's part Samoan, / .

You have to look, but it's there.

You know, I was
almost on the big screen.

Yes, we know, Dad.

You've told the story a hundred times.

- You were almost in a movie?
- Well, thank you, Dany.

I considered being in
the movie "Predator,"

even made an audition tape.

I ain't got time to bleed!

Hi, I'm Rocky Johnson.
I'm ' ", and I live in Hawaii.

You almost played Jesse Ventura's part?

Yeah, lucky for him, I
never sent the tape in.

- Why?
- Role didn't have enough lines.

No meat on the bones. Pass.

Oh, this is so exciting, Dewey.

But I hope this doesn't mean
you're taking a break from wrestling.

You're finally seeing the
success you've worked so hard for.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm gonna do both.

Vince is fully supportive, and he thinks

this will help the WWF
develop an even bigger fanbase.

So what kind of acting role is it?

Well, Vince said I'm playing a wrestler,

but I haven't seen the script yet.

Perfect. I'm sure you'll do great.

- Absolutely.
- Fantastic.

If you see Sandra Bullock,

you ask for her autograph,
and you bring it to me.

I will. Okay, let's eat.

You get her autograph first.

Okay.

I was pumped for my first
day of filming "The Net,"

but honestly, I had no idea
what I was doing, since...

I've never been on a TV set before.

Hell yeah, set's the b*mb.

Your trailer okay?

I keep my LaserDisc locked
up in mine with my g*n.

No, my trailer's great.

Much more privacy
than a WWF locker room.

Totally, well, I once meditated
for three hours in mine.

Lost an entire morning of sh**ting.

Production wanted me dead, but whatever.

I'm a director.

Sometimes with art, you gotta
go deep to find the truth.

Come on.

So uh, how's this gonna work?

This is my first time doing this.

So in the previous
sh*t, you'll exit the car

while Angela, the star/computer
programmer/your combat trainee,

watches you enter the
gym to find the crime boss

doing dumbbell curls on a bench press.

He'll be the guy wearing Lee jeans.

Then you'll agree to fight
his champion to the death

in an illegal gambling match

being broadcast worldwide on the Net.

So the crime boss works out in jeans?

- Yeah, he's a total maniac.
- For sure.

So do I know that I'm fighting
to the death ahead of time,

or is this a trap?

I just want to make sure I understand.

All you need to understand

is that you're gonna kick
that dude's ass... hey, Monty.

- And I'll take care of the rest.
- Okay.

All right, everyone, let's
make some excellent TV!

Dwayne, go ahead and stand right there.
Perfect, baby, perfect.

Okay.

- [BELL RINGS]
- Robes are off.

And...

action!

[TENSE MUSIC]

[FLATLY] Make sure you lock the door.

I don't want him trying to run away.

♪

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[IMPACTS AND GRUNTS]

I really like how clear
you're enunciating your lines.

Was just thinking the same thing.

I can understand every word.

So if those agents you
were talking to earlier

use the Internet, they
can stop the fight?

Well, sort of.

First, they need to track
the video feed's IP address

so they can locate me.

Locate you? But they were just with you.

What kind of federal agents are these?

Boo, FBI! k*ll yourselves!

Well, actually, only
the guy is with the FBI.

The female lead is a computer programmer

whose technology skills
help them solve crimes.

Where's Sandra Bullock?

Why didn't anyone call her
before getting into this mess?

[GRUNTING]

We not gonna talk about them punches?

Shh!

Needless to say, that wasn't quite

how I imagined my acting debut going.

After the way the episode
of "The Net" turned out,

I felt like I had to address
it with Vince right away.

Yeah, I did an episode of
"Dr. Judy: Old West Surgeon,"

so I get it.

Hey, Vince. You got a sec?

There's my guy.

You ready to go toe-to-toe
with Steve Austin this week?

Definitely, it's gonna be a great match.

- All right.
- Listen.

I just wanted to apologize
for last night on "The Net."

I hope I didn't embarrass the company.

- Are you joking?
- I wish.

When you have a chance
to see the episode...

Dwayne, I watched the show last night.

You were sensational!

- Really?
- Stop being modest.

I hate false sincerity.

It's like when people
ask, "How's your family?"

They don't care.

They don't give a fig about my family.

Watch. Artie, how's your family?

- Well, my mom just...
- See? I don't care.

Dwayne, your episode was so
good that I'm rewatching it right now.

I don't know.

I thought my acting was kind of stiff.

Dwayne, no one's watching your acting.

They're watching you, the Rock.

This is exactly the
type of entertainment

that will bring more fans into the WWF.

I also loved that scene
when flirty music played

while you taught fake Sandra
Bullock how to neutralize a bad guy.

My director said those
kinds of emotional layers

are his artistic signature.

Stay close to him. He's going places.

Did the network execs say
anything about the show?

They didn't seem to want
to discuss the episode,

which is crazy to me.

But everyone loves what
this crossover initiative

is doing for our ratings.

In fact, I've already
booked you another role,

this time, on "Star Trek: Voyager."

"Star Trek"? That's a major franchise.

Nanu nanu. [LAUGHS]

Exciting stuff, right?

You sh**t your episode next month.

If Vince was happy
with what I was doing,

then I was happy to keep doing it

and just trying to get better.

Plus, "Star Trek" was a
big, storied franchise,

and I was excited to get a
chance to enter that universe.

Another packed house for
"Thursday Night SmackDown!"

Des Moines really knows how to party.

I'm so jealous.

I've been dying to see Iowa
ever since we watched "Field of Dreams."

"Hey, Dad.

Wanna have a catch?"

- Emotional.
- So emotional.

Hey, your dad's here. You wanna say hi?

Nah, I'm good.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh, that's my food. I better go.

I gotta get back to reading too.

I've barely started
this "Star Trek" book.

I love how seriously you're taking this.

You know I want to be
the best at whatever I do.

Oh, I know. Bye, babe.

All right. Bye, babe.

- Hey.
- I have three dinners for...

One guest.

- Yeah, you can bring that in.
- Oh, live long and prosper.

Oh, what a nice thing to say. You too.

Cool finger trick, by the way.

Come on in.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Live long and prosper?

Oh.

Please. Don't make me laugh.

Ha, you?

I'm insulted they would even
put you in the pit to fight me.

Oh, wait, it's
"against me," not "fight me."

- Let me start over.
- Hey, you okay, Dew?

You seem kind of nervous or something.

I just want to be prepared
so I can nail it when it's showtime.

Brother, you performed at the main event

in front of , screaming fans.

I think you can handle this.

This is so different, though.

There's no live audience to
feed off of and respond to.

I know this is just a way to help Vince

expand the profile of the company,
but I still want to do a good job.

Hey, don't even mention it, all right?

We'll keep rehearsing them
till you get them lines down.

You're gonna be the best
damn half-woman, half-cyborg

this show's ever had.

Bruno, you're the
half-woman, half-cyborg.

Wait, what?

- I'm half-Borg?
- Yeah.

Wow, okay.

This script makes a lot more sense now.

- It says...
- I didn't even see that.

It's okay, it's okay. Okay, ready?

Yep, start it over.

So after a lot of practice,

I was ready to bring
the heat on "Star Trek."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Live long and prosper.

Wrong species.
You're Pendari, not Vulcan.

- Hi, I'm Kim, the director.
- I know. I was just...

- I'm Dwayne.
- Nice to have you with us, Dwayne.

Happy to be here.
Great script, by the way.

I really love how quickly my character

loses his temper, which I believe

is an established trait
of the Pendari species.

Uh, yes, the writer did a fine job.

Oh, yeah. I was thinking, though,

you know, when I enter the battle pit,

maybe I could address the crowd,

fire 'em up, kind of like how I do as...

Love your attitude, but
as our alien of the week,

you know, the role doesn't
allow for improvisation.

- Alien of the...
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

That's what the letters
on my chair stand for.

Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't
overthink it, okay?

We have episodes to sh**t
this season, so, you know,

got to keep the intergalactic
trains running on time.

- Got it.
- Ooh, no, no, no.

Don't furrow your brow.

It's real bad for your face bulges.

[MUTTERING] Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Can I get some water?

Excuse me.

You?

I'm insulted they would even
put you in the pit against me.

You're no bigger than
an Aldebaran Mud Leech.

I must caution you against
dismissing me so lightly.

I possess incredible strength.

[SCOFFS] I think not.

Damon, what are you doing?

You don't sh**t rehearsal.

Sorry.

Okay, so this is where
the battle horn will sound

and the fight starts.
Nathan will lead you

through the exact fight
choreography after,

but basically, you
exchange blows, yeah, and...

I assure you, this will be a lot easier

if you cease your resistance.

It would be a lot easier
if you ceased your punches.

Oh, no, wait, sorry, my line is,

"I assure you, it
would be a lot easier..."

- Let me start again.
- You know what, it's okay.

If you flub a line while we're rolling,

don't stop, just keep going.

Okay, we can cut around it in post.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's the gist.

If you can just stand
on your first marks,

we're gonna tweak some lighting
and get you both in wardrobe.

- Yeah?
- Thanks.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Mm...

Kim's right.
I shouldn't have stopped mid-scene.

Don't apologize. It's
great you care so much.

Well, I do give everything %.

A lot of guest stars don't.

Andy d*ck may as well have been drunk.

Andy d*ck did "Star Trek: Voyager"?

- Yep.
- Hey, Jeri.

Your opening line is actually,
"I possess superior strength."

- What did I say?
- You said "incredible strength."

The writer said your character
wouldn't use the word "incredible."

Ah, okay. Thanks, Marisa.

Well, looks like one of
us has lines that matter.

Trust me, when you're
part of the main cast,

you can't mess with the
"Star Trek" universe.

Oh, yeah, I realized that right away

while I was doing my research online.

People have opinions.

Oh, you are not kidding.

But seriously, thanks
for being so prepared.

Sometimes, an actor's job
is simply to play the role

you're given on the show that you're on.

I got it, know your role...

And shut your mouth!

- Wow.
- I'm a big fan.

- [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.

You're hit. You're bleeding, man.

I ain't got time to bleed.

Nothing beats "Predator."

Arnold's line is my favorite.

Get to the choppa!

Perfect.

Ugh, let me guess.

Jesse Ventura's chewing up the scenery

with his chewing tobacco,

spitting all on his
machine g*n like a...

let me know when it's over.

I'd like a movie snack.
Do you have any popcorn?

Of course.

Oh, but it's stovetop,

and I'm kind of a microwave girl.

I can teach you how to cook popcorn.

You know, I've only
done two small roles,

and I already have so much more
appreciation for this stuff.

It would be so cool to
play a role like that.

You could do that if you wanted to.

Nah, everyone only wants me

to play some version of a wrestler.

I'm already a wrestler in real life.

What's the point of being
one in another galaxy,

or New Orleans, or
wherever "The Net" is set?

Seattle. "The Net" is set in Seattle.

Listen.

No one is happier at the success

you've found wrestling than me.

If you're happy, keep
doing what you're doing.

You'll hear no complaints from us.

But if this new challenge
is interesting to you,

go after it.

You make it look the
way you want it to look.

There are no fences around you, Dewey.

- Is it over?
- BOTH: No!

Jesse Ventura's great.

Oh, he's good. He's very good.

Don't let your dad hear you say that.

Dad would have been pretty good in this.

- Mm...
- Okay.

Great episode of
"Star Trek" last night, Dwayne.

I'm not a Trekkie, but you
were sensational as Blorg.

Thank you, Vince.

I was thinking, for your next role,

something completely
different, huh, like a comedy.

- Yeah, I love comedy.
- Me too.

Nothing funnier in
the world than someone

stepping in dog crap. [BOTH LAUGH]

If I could make an entire
show of just that, I would.

- I mean, I'd watch that.
- Right?

Ding-dong, who's that?

Oh, no, there's crap on my shoe.

If you smell... dog crap.

Just one after the other,
people stepping in crap.

- [BLOWING RASPBERRIES]
- That's what crap sounds like!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Anyway, I'm glad you're into it

because I booked you an
episode of "That ' s Show."

Are you serious?

I don't joke around when it comes
to the best decade of all time.

I mean, that's such a funny show.

- What's my role?
- One that only you could play.

My primetime comedy debut
was not only playing

the role of another
wrestler, but that wrestler

- was my dad.
- Looking good, son.

Yeah.

Even though I was playing
yet another wrestler,

I was really proud to play my dad.

And he was truly excited
about me playing him on TV.

And of course, as always,
the Soul Man had some notes.

[CHUCKLES] Now remember,

if you want to capture my essence,

you need to let your mouth and
your muscles do the talking.

No such thing as too much talking

when you're playing someone
who is that good at it.

Well, I'm pretty sure
they're gonna want me

to stick to the script, but don't worry,
I'll make you proud.

This is so exciting.

I've never been on a soundstage before.

And I just told one
of the lead actresses

I hope she breaks her legs.

She said that to the
woman that plays the mom.

It was amazing.

Should we head to our seats?

I heard they're handing out tuna
fish sandwiches before the show.

We'll be cheering for you, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom. Love you guys.

Love you too.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[FUNKY MUSIC]

Hey.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

You know what?

When my son grows up,

he's gonna become the
most electrifying man

in sports entertainment.

[LAUGHTER]

Bravo, Dewey!

The only person who
could have done a better job

at playing me on screen than you is me.

I like Dewey's version of
you better than your version.

Babe, you're really good.

I agree.

- Your hard work is starting to pay off.
- Thanks, Mom.

For the first time, I felt like I
could see myself doing a version

of acting the way that
I wanted to do it.

I was also about to get one

of the most exciting
phone calls of my life.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Great show, Bubba!

Now, open your ears! I write screenplay.

I mail you pages. We win Oscar!

Hollywood champion number one!

That was the call?

No, that was the call before the call.

Oh, it kind of felt
like you were teeing up

the actual call there.

Well, I can't wait to read it, Sheiky.

Forrest Gump jabroni actor!

Tell him he still owes me money.

- Talk soon.
- Yes, Bubb...

- You didn't tell him.
- [PHONE RINGING]

Wow, the phone's ringing off the hook.

Everybody must have seen the show.

- Hello?
- Hi, is this Dwayne?

Yes, this is Dwayne.

Dwayne, it's Lorne Michaels.

Hi. Uh, it's great to talk to you.

[BOTH MOUTHING]

I think he said Bret
Michaels from Poison.

I've been trying to track you down.

Um, Vince and I were talking,

and he thinks you've
got something special

that would work for us

and that you'd be a perfect fit.

A fit?

To host "Saturday Night Live."

[LAUGHS] No way.

So you get the call
that every young comedian

aspires to receive, but instead,

it goes to a wrestler
who has no aspirations

of hosting the show?

Let me guess, hosting
"SNL" is one of your dreams.

Hell yeah!

And when that call comes,
I'll be ready with my pre-written

"Wayne's World" sketch.

I play Wayne's Korean stepfather

who comes home from the Gulf w*r.

Oh.

Sounds like a fresh idea.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You want to develop it into,
like, a buddy comedy thing?

I think it needs a little
bit more to it, but sure.

- Yeah?
- Sure.

- Okay, yeah, me and you.
- Yeah, down the road.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we'll work on it, like, tomorrow.

- Down the road.
- Down the road tomorrow, sure.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Okay.

So anyway, you get the call
from Lorne, and then what?

Mr. Michaels, I would be truly honored

to host "Saturday Night Live."

Great. Glad to hear it.

But I would love to
not play a wrestler in it.

Yeah.

I'll give that some thought.

So they came to you
with an offer to host,

and you came back to them with terms?

Correct.

If I was gonna walk into a new arena,

then I wanted to be the
best that I could be,

and for me, that was way
beyond just being a wrestler

playing a wrestler for the joke.

And luckily, Lorne agreed.

The next thing I knew,

I found myself walking
down a new kind of tunnel.

It reminded me of just
five years earlier,

when I was walking through
the tunnel to my first arena show.

But this time, it was the tunnel

to the iconic "Saturday
Night Live" stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Rock!

Why'd you stop? What's wrong?

- Excuse me, Jerry?
- Yes, sir.

Let's turn around and
head back to the estate.

We're not going home.

Talking about standing up to
power and asking for what you want,

I'm surprised I
didn't think of it sooner.

I have a plan that can
save this trade deal.

[CHUCKLES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]