18x01 - Fellow Traveler

[bunniefuu]

Planet crust... . % silica.

Again with the silica.
It's always silica.

Scan complete.
Minimal resources detected.

Planet has low potential.

Looks like my decision's made for me.

Navigation, set course for home.

What the?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Fuel core not found.
Switching to reserve power.

Reserve power sufficient
for orbital launch.

That's good news.

Reserve power depleted by
orbital launch calculations.

That's bad design.

I gotta find that fuel core.

Can't let the inhabitants see me.

sh*t.

Salutations, fellow traveler.

Well, you don't look like
you're from around here.

You must be a hobo!

A poor hobo wandering the
desert like an Israelite.

I'm Freddy Underwood,
Bible salesman and good Samaritan.

And you're coming with me.

- I don't want to.
- I insist.

So you're taking me prisoner?

I'm taking you for a hot meal.

So you're gonna eat me, then?

I don't eat hobos!

Not since the great depression.

As reports come in of a large crash

somewhere in the desert of
what some are saying was

an unidentified flying object.

I'm not much for news
unless it's the good news.

Used to be a preacher.
Preached the good book.

Then something happened.
Now I sell the good book!

Don't believe in it anymore
because of what happened.

And here we are!

Grandma Macadoo's boarding house.

You're gonna like her.

She's a warm, earthy woman...

...but saltier than lot's wife!

I got a hungry one for you,
young miss Macadoo.

Little guy with long arms, huh?

I dropped a dirty sex book

on the far side of my claw-foot tub.

If you can reach it, I'll give ya
a big plate of chipped beef.

Ah, he's runnin' away.

Grandma,
this jackrabbit's head's all mushy!

Ew. Gross!

Can I make his head all mushy?

Oh good, I'm up!

Rip Van Winkle rises!

I need to go.

Suit yourself.

Ha ha! Someone smells that chipped beef.

Chipped beef again?

What did think you were getting, Luis?

A salad?!

None for me, please.

Watching my figure.

Screen stars have to stay trim.

I'm Roslyn Jenkins,
not that you know the name yet.

I'm in New Mexico for a brief respite.

Then I'm off to be a young ingenue for

Metro Goldwyn and Mayer.

You've been here nine years.

You're , right?

I'm not !

It's this damn dry air.

Uncle Cosworth, you joining us?

Soon as I get this old girl loaded.

Uncle Cosworth is one of the
last living civil w*r veterans.

He liked sh**ting so much,
he fought for both sides.

Clifton! Put your little
club down and eat something.

You know, I heard on the
radio that some people think

they saw a Martian spaceship last night.

Ya listen to my radio,
ya pay me a nickel!

I'll tell you something.
As a crop duster...

I'm a crop duster.
I spend a lot of time in the air.

And I've seen my fair
share of things in the sky

that I cannot explain.

Once I saw what appeared
to be a black bird,

but it had the body of a mouse.

And it was nighttime!

Sounds like a bat to me, friend.

A what?!

I also fought in the
Spanish-American w*r

in .

Tremendous w*r.

I don't know what it was about,

but I'm sure we were the good guys.

Luis, you don't know when that airplane

is gonna drop like a stone.

You need to be at peace
with the big bearded man

in the clouds.

You need a Bible.

But you don't believe in the Bible.

Some big bearded man in the clouds?

I'm not an idiot!

But you can't afford to take chances.

And I'd believe the Bible if I could,
trust that, but I can't.

I'm locked out of the gates

because of all of those hobos I ate.

And if you make new chipped beef
inside the old chipped beef,

you never have to wash the pot!

But do I make my debut
in comedy or tragedy?

I mean, I can do both equal...

Clifton! It's dead already!

All done?

I suppose that means
you'll be hitting the road?

Evening, madam. I'm with the OSS.

Wait, sorry, the CIA.

They just changed the name on us.

I'm agent Avery Bullock.

Wait, sorry, Avery Bullock Senior.

I just had a son,
and he changed my name on me.

Hello, citizens!

I'm sure you've all heard about a crash

that happened last night,

and maybe you've even
heard it was a UFO.

A UFO? Can you imagine?

Do you want to know what it really was?

A weather balloon.

A common, everyday,
you've-seen-it-a-thousand-times

weather balloon.

What is a weather balloon?

It's a type of balloon.

If it was just a balloon,
why is the OSS here?

"Why is the CIA here?"

What's that thing you're carrying?

It's a tool for capturing
weather balloons.

Now that I've answered all
your questions flawlessly,

I have a question.

Have you seen any suspicious
characters around?

Suspicious how?

Just suspicious.
Not an alien or anything,

but maybe gray or green skin,
maybe tentacles.

Assistance in finding someone like that

would be greatly appreciated.

And any resistance would
be greatly unappreciated.

Mister, I know for a fact
that every one of us

has seen a suspicious character...

...in the mirror!

Well, I'll leave you
to your joyless laughter.

Is it only six of you for dinner?

You better believe it!

Then why are there seven plates?

Do I hear the frightened whimpering

of a nasty little
weather balloon in there?

Well, this didn't work.

I beg your pardon, madam.

Wait, you think I'm a woman?
But I look ridiculous.

I've seen more fetching women, sure,

but you're no more homely than
your very homely twin sister

I saw out in the dining room.

Because I look just
like Grandma Macadoo.

Get out of my way!
Chipped beef, chipped beef!

What in the twinly name
of Jacob and Esau!

I'm back from the bathroom,
everybody, me,

Grandma Macadoo's sister.

Grandma Macadoo?

Why did you all say there
were only six of you here?

Oh, no!

They couldn't hear you over
the sound of your stomach

smelling the chipped beef!

I'll get you a bowl.

The secret to chipped
beef is the creaminess,

and the secret to my
creaminess is horse milk.

Sure, horse milk tastes like
grass and smells like a horse,

and cow milk is way better
in every way imaginable,

but I don't have a cow
and I do have a horse.

Or I did,
before I chipped it up and beefed it.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

Hobo? That's you, right?

Somehow?

One of the greatest acting
performances I've ever seen!

You simply became Grandma Macadoo.

What makes my disguise
so effective on humans?

Well, it's time I came clean
about what I am...

- A big ol' alien.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Stop talking!
- No, no, no, not our business!

Let me explain something to you,
magical hobo.

We all came to the middle
of nowhere for a reason.

We don't talk about the past

or who poisoned what daddy where

or why the well water went smelly.

And don't ask me about
stealing my airplane,

which doomed my squadron.

I'm always joking about what I did,

but it really actually truly happened.

I did it! I ate 'em!

Can you, uh, do me like you did Granny?

I used to preach the good book.
Now I sell it!

Do me!

I'm a fresh young thing,

and my gorgeous little face
looks like a river map.

I want to become a star by
sitting here in the corner!

Hey!

It was brother against brother,
which was tough

because I didn't have a brother,
so I had to sh**t my sister!

I like to fart a big load
of dust onto some crops,

then go to town and pay a man and a lady

to watch me have sex with my plane.

Boy, this magical hobo was
listening to everything I said!

Can you become anyone else?

I don't know anyone else.

What if we went into town,
met some other people?

It's the Green Chile Festival!

I should get going, actually.

I have to find my spaceship's fuel core.

- La, la, la, la, la, la, la!
- Try this.

Trust me.

Phew.

Town. Chiles. Now.

What's that?

Tent revival?

Is there something in
there I can put inside me

or put myself inside or maybe,
I don't know, rub on myself?

I was there,
in the field, a man of clay,

my heart and mind still mired
in the frantic decadence

and sin of this modern life.

"Green Chili this," and "peepshow that,"

when out of the sky it fell.

It exploded into the ground,

and I went to it.

My mind was made clear!

My heart became full with the Lord!

My hair became very easy to comb!

My teeth fell out and
landed on the ground

with a pretty little pitter-pat!

And a voice whispered,
and I knew, I understood

that it was a sacred
piece of Heaven's wall!

I must touch it!

Only I may touch the relic!

Praise be!

Now, we have all heard tell
of an alien in our midst,

but I say to you this...

It is not an alien that has come to us

- but an angel!
- Hallelujah!

Amen!

Oh!

Lord, thank you for this sacred chunk.

Let no man sunder me
from my godly chunk.

Ta-da! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's me! It's me! The angel!
I'm here for that!

You don't look like an angel!

Where are your wings?!

I tuck 'em into my robes
when I'm not flying.

- Where's your halo?
- Also tucked.

Most of these things
are for flying only,

and it's immediate tuck-time on landing.

Looks like she's
wearing a piece of the tent!

- Can we see you fly?
- I'd rather not.

Maybe I'll just sh**t you, to be safe.

I saw him fly!

It was the most beautiful
thing I ever saw.

It brought tears to these southern eyes.

And as I looked upon that flying angel,

I said to myself, "be strong, Roslyn!

Because whether it was poison or not,
Daddy is gone,

and if you just sit on your tuffet,

you'll never get to brush your hair

- at the pink vanity of Hollywoodland."
- All right, that's plenty.

- Huh?
- I'm the angel, is the main takeaway,

and I'm here for that piece
of our beautiful wall.

There's a big hole near the gate,

and s-sinners are wiggling through.

Saint Peter's gate?

Yep.

It is an angel!

I saw him fly, too!

I think I saw him eat a big
cheeseburger across the street!

Well, I guess I should be going,

but God thanks you for your assistance!

Will we get into heaven for this?

Boy, you guys sure
are excited about Heaven.

What's it like?

It's nice.

It's very nice.

Yeah, there's, like, the wall and...
and the gate, obviously.

I already mentioned those.

- What's inside the wall?
- Oh, it's got everything.

There's a-a tent just like this,

and, um...
Oh, they've got green chilies.

As above, so below!

Who wants a kiss from a real angel?

Form a line!

Kiss line canceled! Everyone, link arms

and form a heaven's wall here
on earth with your bodies!

You should see a doctor,
tell him God said "radiation poisoning."

Aah!

Looks like someone was
hoping to get back to heaven,

but I'm afraid I'm going to
have to take you someplace...

south of that.

You're a clever one, gray man.

But I'm a clever gray man, too.

I realized you were no angel.

Because I didn't have the wings.

Ha! I didn't know for sure
until you just confirmed it.

And now I'm taking you to a
new secret facility in Nevada.

It's called Area ... State-of-the-art.

Makes Area look like Area .

- Will I like it there?
- Oh, you'll love it!

Unless you don't like
being dissected alive,

in which case, you'll hate it.

What's that? A weather balloon?

No, it's a friend.

I can't see anything with all this safe

and harmless crop dust!

What the?!

Great plan, g*ng.

I mean, I almost d*ed, but good plan.

Good not great.
Now, where's our getaway car?

Okay, this plan sucks, g*ng.

This is all the getaway we need.

I'm going to get you alien scum.

Where is it?! I know it's one of you!

We'll never tell!

And you can't take all of us!

I'm taking all of you.

A-kazza-kazza-whaaa?

I don't know which one
of you is the alien.

I mean, I feel pretty confident
it's one of the twins,

but I'm taking you
all to Area anyway.

Uncle Cosworth, do something!

One bull run special coming up!

Okay that's not happening.

I can't let you take them.

It's me. I'm the one you want.

Don't say anything mean about my body.

Hallelujah!

I cracked that man! I daddied him!

Clifton, I can't believe

you were hiding behind
that cactus the whole time,

especially since you're
also standing right there.

Sweet mother of pearl!

k*ll me! Do it!

I wronged you.

I k*lled your,
I want to say, little lover?

W-Was it a... Was it a sex friend?

It was your young. I was afraid of that.

But before you righteously m*rder me,
can I say something?

You and me are a lot alike.

Fellow travelers.
Strangers on a strange planet.

A strange planet full of strange humans!

They do weird stuff. Like clapping.

They enjoy a thing so they
gather to look at the thing

and slap their hands together?

Big loud slappy clomps?

Dumb. In a way

the computer was right.

This planet has low potential.

But then I got to thinking
about the green chili pepper.

Full of high quantities of capsaicin,
which is a poison.

But what you can't tell

from your scanning tripod on the moon,

is that this poison is also
really spicy and flavorful.

Get where I'm going with this?

The people!

They're like the green chili peppers.

The things inside them that
they think are poison...

their dark secrets and
their troubled pasts...

just make them spicy and flavorful.

I told you we were a lot alike.

He's waking up. That's my cue!

Heh-heh-heh.

Tell everyone what you saw
here today if you want.

Who would ever believe you?

_

_

He...

He didn't say goodbye.

To keep you safe, my friends.

I don't want you to know too much.

Do you think he was the alien

the government was looking for?

Hmm, maybe they don't know enough.

And so Roger sets off
to travel this new world,

seeking only his pleasure and amusement,

perhaps righting a wrong if he has time

and it's not a big hassle.

All the while being pursued
by an Intelligence agent,

his smart-alecky bald son,

and a vengeful shape-shifting
alien who seeks to destroy him.

His date with destiny
and the Smith family

still decades in front of him, he is...

the Fellow Traveler.

And these are his stories.

Bye. Have a great time.