01x11 - Ready or Knot

[bunniefuu]

Next up, the People v. Jessica Delgado

and Kaitlyn Komacki on a charge
of disorderly conduct.

Really?

Another disorderly conduct
from the New York Wedding Expo?

They had WrestleMania
in the same building,

and somehow, it was less violent.

These women both saw a dress
they simply had to have,

and instead of throwing rice,
started throwing haymakers.

Look, Your Honor, my... my clients

cannot be held responsible
for their actions.

They were driven to madness
by this dress.

I, for one, can understand.

I mean, look at this exquisite gown.

Ivory lace, hidden pockets,

a... a cut that is somehow
both A-line and mermaid?

- Come on.
- I know how to solve this.

I'm gonna cut the dress in two,
and each of you can have half.

- [SHING!]
- Why would we do that?

That would just ruin the dress.

I was trying to do the Solomon thing.

From the Bible.

It's like "Game of Thrones,"
but people like the ending more.

Why'd I even bother pulling
this sword out of that stone?

Alright, I'm gonna go with
the biblical fine

of pieces of silver,
or $ American.

And the dress needs to be
returned to the expo.

Little problem with that.

Ah, hell yeah. Winter is coming!

[♪]

[♪]

Weddings are the worst.

Why should I have to
take off work and fly to Chicago

because you're getting a new roommate?

Well, I'm not settling down
anytime soon,

but when I do, I want
an intimate ceremony on a beach,

reception on a hillside,

afterparty on a volcano.

Good luck finding one place
with all those terrains.

Someone's never been to Guam.

That place is like hill, beach, hill,

beach, hill, hill, volcano, hill, beach.

You know what the craziest
thing is about weddings?

The fact that you're having a fancy meal

with two people you know are
definitely gonna have sex later?

It's that no one's ever asked
me to be their maid of honor.

People are always choosing their sister.

That's nepotism.

It's even more annoying
because I'd be great.

No one's more organized than me.

It takes me one visit

to memorize the layout of a Home Depot.

I just saw a priest, a rabbi,
and a minister walk in.

It wasn't that funny.

Maybe it only works when
they're walking into a bar.

We're talking weddings over here.

Any of these cases
giving you ideas for yours?

Well, my wedding planning
has kind of been on hold

since my dad passed away.

Rand and I just really haven't
jumped back in.

Maybe you never will.
Maybe you'll break up.

- What?
- Nothing.

I'd love to do some planning.
I just haven't had the time.

I've been so busy, so I'm just
letting Rand take the lead

on things I don't feel
too strongly about.

You feel strongly about which
beans should be in the chili

- on Chili Wednesdays.
- Pinto.

Garbanzo beans should
just stick to hummus.

A wedding is the most special
day of your life.

You should care about it

at least as much
as you care about beans.

Dan Fielding loves weddings?

Oh, you are a big, mushy softy inside.

Eh, it's not that big a surprise.

Look, a wedding is
your one chance in life

to get everything you want.

Bakers bringing you
an endless parade of cakes.

Tailors draping you
in the finest fabrics.

And the one opportunity to say
what you want to be able to say

every other day...

no children allowed.

I mean, some of this New York
wedding stuff is pretty cool.

Do you know you could get married

at halftime at a Knicks game?

At least someone then
is leaving with a ring.

Well, look, if time is the issue,

you could knock it out all tonight,

right here, without moving.

I mean, everything you need
is in this building.

Including the perfect person
to help you plan it.

Well, I don't know...

Me! [LAUGHS]

You know I love the idea of
all of us working together.

Hey, I'm getting what I want already.

Alright, let's do it. It'll be fun.

Weddings aren't about fun.

They're about ruthlessly getting
whatever you want.

Which is fun.

It is about fun. You said that?

[♪]

[♪]

Olivia, what are we doing here?

Abby and I still have
a lot of planning to do.

We have to pick the bride-bailiff dance.

It can be whatever you want,

but it will end in
a "Dirty Dancing" lift.

Well, I thought we'd start with
the most important thing.

Bring them in.

Do a , please.

Okay, I don't really think
this is the best...

Ooh, I like the neckline on that one.

Can we have number four
step forward, please?

And can you demonstrate
if the dress has enough give

to do the chicken dance?

Actually, could all of you, please?

I know what this is about.
You're not trying to help.

You're trying to prove
you'd be a good maid of honor.

I can do both at the same time.

It's called multi-tasking.

What? Yes, I'm still holding.

As someone who's been
a maid of honor five times

and a Best Gurgs twice,

I can tell you the job isn't
about lists and dress line-ups.

It's about having fun,

and I've already cornered that market.

Two words... penis gavel.

Well, I guess we'll just see
whose style works bet...

No, Mom, I'm not sending you
a picture of the penis gavel.

So, are any of these jumping out?

I don't know.

I mean, they're all nice,
but if I'm being honest,

I'm looking for
something like that dress

that the women were fighting over.

I can get that for you.

Well, I can it for you first.

Oh, no, I didn't mean
that you guys should...

[♪]

Who knew there were so many hairstyles?

In Skaneateles, we only had two...

bangs and horse.

I think you'd look good in any of these.

Aw, Neil, that's so sweet.

She values my opinion.

She touched your arm.
Act like you've been there.

That was quite the passionate
dress defense you made earlier.

Oh. I'm just a lawyer doing his best.

I would have been equally as passionate

had they been fighting over
a spare tire.

"Oh, the flawless tread,
the exquisite steel belting,"

et cetera, et cetera, on and on.

No, that description came from

a man with elegance and taste.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

- What are you selling?
- Ideas.

Cynthia Davies, wedding planner.

Now, I see you're married,

but have you thought about
a vow renewal?

My wife d*ed several years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But, and I hope this isn't too forward,

but a trophy elk like you, you know,

it's only a matter of time
before someone bags you,

and do you know what that lucky huntress

is going to make you into?

Please don't say venison jerky.

A husband.

And before you say no,

try one of these Belgian truffles.

It takes monks to make one per day.

I taste their silence.

Next up, the People v.

Rich Morrison and Andrea Reynolds.

The defendants were caught
trying to sneak

into the Zimmet Art Museum after hours.

Uh, Your Honor, my clients
were merely giddy

over their wedding venue.

Haven't you ever been so excited
that you put on a ski mask

and threw a celebratory brick
through a window?

We had to see the layout, Your Honor.

My Uncle Phil can't be
near the Picassos.

I don't need my wedding ruined

with his endless comments
about chicks with three boobs.

And it's beautiful.

Stained glass windows, vaulted ceilings,

and they have bathroom waiters
who serve you mints.

Your Honor, the venue canceled
their wedding reservation.

- Isn't that punishment enough?
- What?

It's booked solid for three years.

If I can't have it, no one can.

I will burn that place to the ground!

Oh, my God! I love him.

Aw. That's very sweet,
but it's still a $ fine.

Oh! Oh!

Neil, can I please have
my family-friendly gavel?

So, Kaitlyn's wedding dress
wasn't in evidence,

which must mean you have it.

Not only do I have it...
I don't have it.

Well, turns out she hid it
before they caught her.

But I pivoted and called in
some reinforcements.

Next case, the People v. Jack Steele.

Uh, am I missing a file on this?

Don't worry, Your Honor.

It's nothing to lose your shirt over.

- Or is it? Unh!
- [HAIR METAL MUSIC PLAYS]

He's a stripper!

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh.

Ooh.

[♪]

- [GAVEL BANGS]
- Order!

Gurgs, I appreciate the gesture.

- This just isn't the time.
- I agree, Your Honor.

Could we please clear the court
of these distractions?

Could you please show him the way?

[♪]

The way to do it! Unh!

He's a stripper!

Okay. Okay. Alright. Order! Order.

Anyone in the gallery that's
a stripper, please go home.

[♪]

Oh, these hors d'oeuvres
are just stunning.

I mean, of course we'll need
a vegan option.

An option for them to leave.

Alright, so these are better

before or after the champagne toast?

Oh. Why don't I get one of

my chilled bottles of Veuve
and we'll find out?

[CHUCKLES]

What?

Did you tell that woman
you're planning a wedding

- just to get free stuff?
- No, no, no, no.

I made my position perfectly clear.

She's just a motivated sales person.

And I am a motivated recipient of stuff

I don't have to pay for.

Jalapeño popper?

Mm. I'm good.

- I could use some advice, though.
- Hmm.

I have some insider information,

and I'm not sure
I should take advantage of it.

Uh-huh. You want that open spot
at the Zimmet Art Museum.

So bad.

Growing up, sometimes, my dad
would pull me out of school

to visit the city
and take me to a museum.

He would, uh, pretend to be a tour guide

and just make stuff up.

One time, we had like people
join our tour.

- Mm.
- We had to stop

because the FBI thought
we were planning an art heist.

Getting married in a place like that

would just make me feel
like he's part of it.

Personally, I don't see
the appeal of art museums.

I mean, why should I be
impressed with what people drew

while they were going
crazy with syphilis?

Seems to me that you got the information

about the venue fair and square.

But hey, knock yourself out.

Not the poppers, though.

They'll melt your face.

Just catching up with me now.

[♪]

- Cynthia?
- Cynthia Davies.

I understand you're the person
to talk to.

I'm interested in putting
a deposit down for the Zimmet.

Um, I'm sorry. There
was briefly an opening,

but one of my clients
literally just took it.

- Oh.
- But another date

did just open up in .

It's a Wednesday afternoon,
non-consecutive hours,

- and...
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Ooh, someone just booked it.

Thanks, anyway.

- Did somebody order a sausage...
- [CLEARING THROAT]

[♪]

[♪]

Oop. There's my taste bud.

Cynthia, this has been lovely, but...

Hold that thought.

First, I need you to try this cake.

It's made with the eggs of a hen
who only eats caviar,

- laid by a fish who only eats hen.
- Oh.

Uh, no, I can't.

I can't keep taking
your free stuff when I know

that you'll never
be planning my wedding.

Because you're going with someone else?

- No.
- Is that bitch Lynn Fetterman here?

No. Who? I don't even know...

No, please. Please, calm down.

I just know that I have
no intention of ever

walking down the aisle again.

Yes, at my wedding,
I did walk down the aisle,

but I didn't make a big show of it.

My tuxedo had a very tasteful train.

You're gonna have another wedding.

That kinda sounds like a thr*at.

You're too good not to.

Your palette, your eye for color,

your knowledge of fragrance.

I'd k*ll for your nose.

Okay, that's definitely a thr*at.

Which is why I'm asking you.

- Mm.
- No, what are... No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Dan Fielding, do you swear

to let me help you
plan your next wedding?

If it gets you up off
that disgusting floor, fine.

- This is the happiest day of my life.
- Oh...

- Thank y'all.
- Why are you applauding?

You hear that, Lynn?!

He's mine!

[♪]

Okay, here it is.

- Now, go find it. Go find the dress.
- [DOG BARKS]

Looking for this?

That dog should be fired.

While you were messing around
with strippers,

I was putting Kaitlyn
on the phone with my mother,

who made one comment about
her perfectly regular ankles,

and now she's getting married in pants.

Is that the missing wedding dress?

I'm gonna need you to hand that over.

Fine.

If it makes you feel better...

Ow! He's a stripper! [LAUGHS]

I'll meet you at the rendezvous point.

Now that'show you maid of honor.

Aunt Reba, of course I want you there,

but the new venue
doesn't allow flip-flops.

Oh, so now none of
our Florida family is coming?

- Wedding troubles?
- It's so stressful.

My planning kinda hit a snag, too.

At least you're not being
forced to have your wedding

in some spooky art museum

that doesn't even have a wax Vin Diesel.

Wait, did you book the Zimmet?

That's a venue I wanted.

Well, apparently,
everybody says it's the best,

so I had to push
my wedding back six months.

Why?

Your wedding is supposed to be
the one day

you can get anything you want.

So, what do you want?
Don't think about it.

Just say it.

- I just want to be married.
- Okay.

Well, let's make that happen, alright?

Um, I can take the Zimmet
off your hands,

and I can marry you, here, tonight.

You know what? I'm in.

Tonight, I finally become
Mrs. Finkboner!

Yes. You definitely should not wait

to get that name on some stationery.

[♪]

Why are you wearing a tux?

It's a wedding.

I'm getting my money's worth.

A tux salesman talked me into
buying three of these.

Paying for stuff?

A sucker's game.

Hey. Oh, nice tux.

That style would look good on Rand.

Oh. Cool. Well, uh, I've got two more.

Oh, thanks, but they wouldn't fit.

He's got broader shoulders
and bigger arms.

Loving these Rand facts.

- Everyone, please be seated.
- Oh, one second, Your Honor.

The father of the bride
is supposed to be here,

but we can't get in touch with him.

Oh. Well, you can't get married
without her dad here.

Dad? You made it. Ooh. Oh.

I couldn't imagine
doing this without you.

Your Honor, we can get started.

Um, sorry. I just need a minute.

If I'd have been your maid of honor,

this never would've happened.

[♪]

[♪]

[CRYING]

As a person who's actually
been a maid of honor,

I know what time it is.

It's cold feet speech time.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Abby, I know you're feeling stressed,

but this is supposed to be fun.

I know you can't see it,
but I'm dancing out here.

Well, I don't know
how I'm gonna follow that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

An estimated % of couples
suffer from cold feet.

That's roughly , people.

I Googled runaway officiants,
but all I got was the plot

for an abandoned Kate Hudson movie.

Huh. That's weird.

Your boring list of numbers
didn't seem to comfort her.

Abby, I know that you're scared,

and it's normal to be nervous
because you're... you're...

you're doing something
you've never done before,

but just remember that you, um, love...

That couple.

- You've known them your whole...
- Day.

And... And if you don't do this,

you are gonna wake up
tomorrow thinking...

"What if..."

"... you had married that couple?"

You're right.

I'll go back to Glenn and Trish.

We've been a throuple for so long.

We make a great team, just like you.

Throuples, man.

Someone always ends up
crying in the bathroom.

[♪]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- In case you were worried,

the Finkboners were married
by a stripper/priest.

It was beautiful.

I can't get everything I want.

Because your father isn't here.

I think that the real reason
I haven't wanted

to jump back into wedding planning.

He was just so involved in all of it.

- He was gonna do magic.
- Hmm.

This thing where my finger
would keep falling off

right before Rand put a ring on it.

It was gonna be epic.

Well, you know,

big moments make us really miss
those who are gone.

It's inevitable.

But you have to live your life.

And it's time you start a life with...

Again, Rand? Rand?

I mean, it's almost like a name,

but not quite.

Isn't your real name Reinhold?

Uh-huh. Okay.

So you know stuff.

But you're right.

That is what my dad would've wanted.

It's just hard to accept
that he won't be there for it.

Actually, I have an idea about that.

[♪]

What is this?

Well, Harry and I...
all of us, really...

we spent so much time
downstairs in that courthouse

that we would come up here
for breaks, fresh air,

and talk down the occasional jumper.

I thought it might be
a... a way to make you feel

like your father
was part of your wedding.

I mean, plus, you can't b*at
the beautiful view that way.

Don't look that way.

Those people need to invest
in some curtains.

Whoa.

It's perfect.

Rand is gonna love it.

I mean, he is terrified of heights,

but it's time we work on that anyway.

I'm not giving up
roller coasters for anyone.

We helped too.

I did the twinkly lights.

And I brought up a leaf blower

and got rid of the pigeons
that are no longer with us.

Because we realized
that we make a great team.

And that's why we agreed that we'd be...

- your co-maids of honor.
- Your co-maids of honor!

Oh. Oh. I already have a maid of honor.

It's my friend Nicole from childhood.

She saved me from a well once.

- Yeah, go with her.
- Can't b*at that.

Either way, we're sorry
we couldn't get you the dress.

How was I supposed to know
that stripper was

just gonna take off?

Did someone say "take off"?

Hey! She's a stripper!

You were wearing that the whole time?

I caught up with Officer Twerkman

and offered him some free legal advice

for his "Magic Mike" style company.

He's got great drive.

He's ready to rip off
those sleeves and get to work.

Whoa.

- Nice job, Dan.
- Ha.

How'd you put this all together?

It wasn't that hard.

I just used a lot of free stuff
from that wedding planner.

What the hell is this?

- [CHUCKLES]
- You planned a wedding without me?

No, no, no. Not exactly.

No, this is not a wedding.

I'm Cynthia Davies.

I know a wedding when I see one.

You can expect a bill for all this.

And by the way,

those truffles were made by a machine.

You're just saying that to hurt me.

Hey, look, y'all, it's
the sad lady from the bathroom.

And it looks like she is
making up with her friends.

I'm gonna order them some curtains.

I told you not to look that way.

[♪]