Irish Jam (2006)

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Irish Jam (2006)

Post by bunniefuu »

[seagulls squawking]

♪ My love will carry you ♪

♪ Over to me ♪

"Once there was a time,"
my dad would always say,

before telling us stories that
would send me off to my dreams.

"Once there was a time
when the land was taken
from the people

and split into parts to be
ruled by kings and men and laws.

But the people were
protected by the magic ones

who sailed out from
the mist on ships of the sky

full of light
and music and beauty.

And it is said by those who
ought to know such things,

that the magic ones
no longer walked among us."

But to hear my dad tell it,
you need only know
where to look.

Oh, look! Look! Strangers.

Would you see that now?

[engine running]

Come on now,
we'd better get home...

[honking the horn]

[cattle mooing]

♪ We can travel our kingdom
from here in our minds ♪

♪ And find us if harbor
for your heart and mine ♪

♪ You won't be alone
in the cold world, MacCree ♪

♪ For my love
will carry you over to me ♪

♪ So hold to your love
when the world's in your hand ♪

♪ And don't be afraid
when it's your turn to stand ♪

♪ Fight for life's prize
and hold it on you high ♪

♪ Fight for the life love
between you and I ♪

♪ My love will carry you ♪

♪ Over to me ♪

[cheering and applauding]

-[man] What's going on, Patrick?
-[man 2] What's going on?

Oh, for the life of you.

Thanks, boys. Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

-[Maureen] Everything
alright, Granddad?
- What the feck we waiting for?

Well, there's a bit of
a stink of rotten fish,

- but your Uncle James will
get to the bottom of it.
- Right.

Hush now. Now, now, will you
all be quiet? Be quiet.

We all know that our village
has fallen behind on
its mortgage payments.

Now. Me and me Da,

we've been down watching
a couple of fellows by the lake.

And we are pretty sure
that himself is up to something.

That old scrooge,
Hailstock or Haystack
or whatever his name is.

Greedy sod.
Knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.

Well, how much do we
owe the scrounger?

Well, I... I think it's about...

One million, three hundred
and sixty two thousand euros.

Skipping lobster faced thief.

You're purposely
trying to squeeze us out,
so you can rob us of the land.

Where in heavens did you
get an idea like that?

Speaking of heavens...
Perhaps some Hail Mary's

and a spot of good old-fashioned
grovelling to your maker

might come in handy
at this point?

I will not stand by and have you

take the name of
the Blessed Virgin Mary in vain.

- It's a good kick up
the arse you need!
- Now, now.

Don't you be getting
your hands dirty,
you're a man of the cloth.

I'll belt him, you can get
the big fellow upstairs
to forgive me.

Hailstock, you've said your
piece, now get out of our pub.

Unless I'm mistaken,
this is one piece of property
that you don't own.

Give me time, my dear.

- Give me time.
- Now, before I forget
I'm a pacifist.

Since when were you a paci...

- Pettikreep!
- Yes, sir?

Hand it to them.

-[man] Get out!
-[woman] Get out!

[woman 2]
That's right, get out!

-[man 2] Be gone with you.
-[woman] Go on, get going.

- It's a notice of foreclosure.
-[woman] What did he say?

-[Father] We've got
90 days to pay.
-[woman] 90 days!

But it's not our fault.
Hailstock controls most
of the jobs around here.

Father, may I say something?

- Let's all be quiet for
the wonderful Michael O'Malley.

- Shush, Brian McNulty,
you be quiet now.
-[Michael] Listen...

I have an idea.

You see, sometimes in America

small towns will raffle off
a vintage car,

or a piece of land or whatever

to raise money
for the community.

But what do we have,
other than a bankrupt village?

- We got this.
- What?

You mean Finnigan's?

It's the only building we own,
that Hailstock doesn't.

But if the village
goes belly up,

then he'll put a lean
on us personally.

And it'll fall
right into his lap.

However, if we can
sell it to an outsider,

then he won't be able to
get his greedy hands on it.

Well, what do you think?

Who's with me?

[indistinct chatter]

Well, I think it's a grand idea.
I'm with you, Michael.

Well, I think it's shite.

[simultaneously] Aye. Me too.

[simultaneously] Shite!

[upbeat music]

♪ Irish jam, Irish jam ♪

♪ Don't push your love
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can touch with my hand ♪

♪ Irish jam, Irish jam ♪

♪ You can look
for the pot of gold ♪

♪ At the end of this
beautiful rainbow ♪


♪ Put some money in the box ♪

♪ Put some money
in the doggone box ♪

♪ Put some money in the box ♪

- Go on folks, put your money
in the box now.
- No, no, no.

You can put
some money in the box.

In the bucket, we want to make
sure we make that clear.

- Alright? Bucket.
- Get out of my way, man. No way.

[musical sting]

[sirens blaring]

He's the one that's here.

They don't want to pay me?
You know what I'm saying?

I'm out there
dancing my ass off.

-[phone ringing]
- More bills, more bills.

[phone keeps ringing]

- Yo.

Is this James Winston McDevitt?

Mr. McDev... No, it's Mr. n*gga,
but I'll take a message for him.

This is No Escape
Debt Collection Services.

You will be disconnected unless
you make a payment of $123.16.

$123.16? Alright, I got
the 16 cent part covered.

- Yeah?
-[man] Hey, McDevitt,
this is the landlord,

when are you going
to pay the rent?

Look here baby...
What's your name, baby?

- Pay the rent... Who, what?

Marlene, you know what
I'm saying, why would you
want to do this to me?

I'm dying of...
With my liver, you know what I'm
saying? My liver's messed up.

I got a problem
with my scrotum, you know.

My heart locked up one time,
you know what I'm saying?

I got my nieces and nephews
around the bed.
One nut fell out.

[mimics child] Your nut fell
out. Don't die, uncle,
there it go on the floor.


So, you know,
what I need from you,

right now, is compassion.


Kiss my Black ass.

[sirens blaring]


I'm going to pay
some of these bills too.

I'm in a jam
as Jimmy the hustler.
You know what I'm saying?

You oregano,
but a n*gga won't know.




[upbeat music]

You all need some elevation
in your life, you understand me?

Enlighten yourself.

Five hundred, five hundred.

How much is this
going to take off?

[clears throat]

- Three hundred.
- Three hundred is good enough.

Three hundred
sounds good enough for me.

This is holiday season,
you know?

You have to eat and all that...

Hey. Here's the dollars.

- It's all there, smart ass.
- Excuse me for a minute.
Enjoy that.

What the hell is that?

[upbeat music continues]

[knock on door]

[suspenseful music]


[banging on door]

[hitting door]

Whoever is outside the door,

you might want to go
to any other door!

Ain't nothing but m*rder,
death, k*ll up in here!

m*rder, death, ki-i-i-i-i-ll.

[kung fu scream]

Come round here messing
with me, you young ass fool.

-[loud bang]
-[suspenseful music]


[clears throat]

Psycho, baby, you know,
I was just getting ready
to call you on the phone.

[laughing] Jimmy.

- Jimma, Jimma Jimmy.
- Hey, Psycho, Psycho, Psycho.

You thought you were going to
say your wedding vows to me
over the phone.

- Yeah, I was gonna
say them over the phone.

- Over the phone, Jimmy?
-'Cause I was working.

- Like ring, ring, "Hello"?
Over the phone?
- Hey.

-[screaming] Collect?
- Baby, look,
we should discuss this,

- because, you know, I...
- Discuss this and talk
like, talk about it.

- Is that what you want
to do with me, Jimmy?
- We need to discuss it.

- We will discuss it
after I break your neck!
- Discuss.

[screaming] I break your neck!
I'll break your neck!



[screams] Come back here!

[continues to scream

[screams] I love you, I love
you, I love you, but damn,

you better open up
this door, Jimmy!




- I love you, Jimmy!
- I love you too, baby.

[screams unintelligibly]

[upbeat music]

Got to be walking over.
I like to think your way.

Yeah, you want more?

Plenty more of this junk!

- Plenty more
where that came from.
- Hey, what the hell

you crazy white folks doing?

Give me the stuff,
give me the stuff.

Are you happy? Hell out the way.

[indistinct shouting]

Hey, get off of me, man!

[landlord] Damn it, McDevitt,
that's what happens when
you don't pay your rent!

Alright, back up. Back up.

- Back the hell on up.
-[landlord] Don't come back!

Back the hell up.

No, take it! Take it!

[hobos laughing]

sh*t ain't real, anyway.

It ain't Bobo, it's Hobo.

[hobo laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Didn't want to stay
at your apartment, no way.

Jimmy got other things in life.

I got plans.

You'll all see.

[quiet music]

For sure.

[fantastical music]

[Celtic music]

Yeah, I always wanted
to live on an island.

[Caribbean music]




Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy!


[echo] Hi, hi, hi.

[distorted music]



[thunder rumbling]

-[seagulls squawking]

Well, as you all know,
it was a tie between two poems.

So our very own Kathleen Duffy
has been nominated to pick
the winner.

[cheering and applauding]

I'll put them face down
and you just pick one of them
when you're ready.

[rain keeps falling]

[gentle music]

Come on, Kathleen.

Good girl, Kathleen.

[indistinct chatter]

The winning poem
is called "Freedom."

I think someone
a little easier on the eye

- would be more
qualified to read this.

How about it, Maureen?

When are you going to make an
honest woman of her, Michael?

It's been a while since
I had a wedding to look after!

Hey, I volunteer.

After all it's a real man
she'll be needing, O'Malley.

Did someone speak there?
Was it a real man did you say?

- It's not what I've heard.

[everybody laughing]

What are you
two idiots laughing at?

I tell you, she's
too much woman for O'Malley.

"Freedom. The great divide.

The unknown truth,
the intangible.

The lure of the oppressed,
the lie of oppressors.

No one is free. Nothing is free.

No one ever was
and nothing ever will be.

To manifest the notion
of our inalienable right,

is to play to their dogma.
Dante was right.

- Who the feck is Dante?
-[Maureen] They feed us
true lies.

And we swallow it whole.

Fear is the fuel,
for many I know.

Through the morning mist,
a welcoming light.

It must be Finnigan's
so calm and so bright.

Gimme a glass of cold beer.
And I'll tell you what I know.

That if it's Freedom you want.
Then you gotta fight,
fight, fight!"

[cheering and applauding]

- Very well read.
- I'm not very good
at doing things like that.

Well, thank God for that.
He must be Irish.

Well, how much money
did you raise, anyway?

The contest netted
almost one million euro.


That's not bad, like. Top.

- Come on!
- Unfortunately,
we're still quite a bit short.

But I reckon our new landlord
will have a few ideas how
we can raise the balance.

If there's one thing the Yanks
are good at, it's business.

Ah, well, that's fine,
'cos the bloody Yank can pull

the fecking balance
out of his fecking arse.

There's no need for
that kind of language.

What is it, Doctor?

Will someone please
pass my scalpel? [laughs]

To hell with the lot of youse.


Will you raise your glasses,
to himself, our new landlord.

A long lost son of Ireland!

-[Celtic music]

[cheering and applauding]


[music continues]

[music stops]

What the...

[calm music]

Hey! Alright. What's happening?

It ain't Temptation Island,
but we'll make it work.

"Welcome to Ballywood."
Hollywood to Ballywood.

- Well, don't everybody
talk at once.

- K... K...
- K, K, K, K, K... Huh? What?

Hey, this ain't
no clansman rally, is it?

What the KKK,
what you talking about?

[speaking Irish]

- Does somebody speak English?
- Welcome to Ballywood?

They're the deeds
to Finnegan's pub.

Finnegan's yes,
the prize, the winnings, yes.

I'm having my attorney look this
over, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I appreciate that.
Welcome, yeah.

- Uh-hmm. [spits]
-[woman] Oh, my God!

What the hell is that, man?

Where is the Cristal?

Don't you all people know
how to throw a party?

Come on now, I'm just arriving,
there's supposed to be
some balloons.

Black man coming through.

What, what?

You all playing with me
right now. All these faces.

Alright, where the native girls?

Ha, ha. Alright,
bring on the native girls.

Where are the native women's?

you're referring to me.

No, I was thinking about
the ones with the big Bootys.

You know, you'll do.
I mean, you know,
we gotta work some things out.

A little makeover,
pluck the eyebrows,

you know,
collagen injection in the lips,

because I like them big,
like, mm, big, juicy,

them the lips
that just make your day.

I'm homely. Is that
what he said? Yes, is that...

Hey, what's happening?
Look out, girl, you know,
we'll do a couple of things.

- Yeah, we can flip this.
- Father Duffy.

Father Duffy. James McDevitt.

You know, some people call me
Jimmy da Jam in high circles.

You know, with me Dre, Snoop
and all us be hanging out,
you know what I'm saying.

Say a prayer for me to
make sure this deed is correct.

Otherwise, you know what I'm
saying, I might have to get
South Central up in here.

You know what I'm saying?
Don't understand
how I played w*r.

I like the outfit,
the collar is working.

Stay away from the little boys.

- He's, he's a...
-[Jimmy] What's up, fellas,
how are you all doing?

He's the new landlord
of Ballywood's only pub.

I love this village already.

- Yeah.
- The door sticks.

- So do I, baby, so do I.
- Right, is everything else
to your liking?

No, not really,
you know, but I'm going
to make it work, baby,

you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Right then. Well, we'll
leave you to get some rest.

I'm sure you'll be needing your
strength for the native girls.

Make sure there's no fat ones,
you know, I got a thing
with the fat ones.

You know what I'm saying,
anything over 185 pounds
ain't to my liking.

I like them po'teek,
perteek, poe teak.

You know what I'm saying, not
really po, but kind of teaky.

You know, I want something
nice and slim,

got a nice little bottom on it.

Something I can
really work with.

Because they broke the mold
when they made me, baby,

- I'm telling you.
-[Maureen] I think that's
the smartest thing

you've said since you arrived.

Oh, that's me! S dot,
M dot, A dot, R dot, T dot.

Art. S. M. Art. Smart.

- You can spell, good.
- Smart!

Enough to get my own club.


Doing it P Diddy style.
Going to get some action going
on up here, bling, bling.

It ain't Jamaica, but I'm gonna
"ja make" the best of it.

Bye, bye. Right,
is that everything do you think?

Would you like some help
with them groceries?

Or would you prefer himself
to be carrying them for you?

The new landlord.


Shouldn't youse lot be getting
back to the zoo before it
closes up for the night? Hmm?

Or perhaps a swift kick up
the arse will get you there

Now, out of the way.


I'll not be looking
to fight the weaker sex.

Me neither, but in your case
I'll make an exception.

- There's something
I can do for you boys?
-[Brian] No, Father.

[sheep bleating]

Just catching up
with the gossip.

It's good to see you taking
an interest in the welfare
of the village.

[rooster crowing]

Off youse go now.

See youse all at mass on Sunday?

- Yes, Father.
- Yes, Father.

And confession on Saturday?

- Yes, Father.
- Yes, Father.

They're lovely boys,
lovely boys.

So, is he a Catholic?

- Who?
- Well, himself,
you know, the new fellow.

I don't know. I didn't ask.

Aye, not to worry,
I can always convert him.

If not, eh?

She can always whip him
into shape with her tongue.

Mm. And if that fails,
he can bore him into submission

- with his hell's angel stories.
-[Father laughs]

- You're a hard woman, Maureen.
- Must be genetic, right?

So, what do you
think of the gold tooth?

You like it, do you?

And himself? Do you think he's
a bit mad or just a bit hyper?

What do you think,
you're scared, do you?

Yeah, well, I suppose
I would be too with the likes of
the McNultys waiting to pounce.

McNulty zombie. I am a McNulty
and I am a stupid zombie.

Is that your best zombie?
Come on, you can do
better than that!

[suspenseful music]

Now, make sure you idiots
don't mess this up.

There's plenty more
where this comes from,
consider it a down payment.

You alright, Grandad?
You're awful quiet.

Well, what's to become of us?

What do you mean?

Oh, we'll be invaded surely!

What, by the Vikings?

No, no, them... them rappers
and their gangs.

- Are you mad?
- No, no I know them bloods
and them crisps.

- Oh, it'll be like that film,
the Boys and their Hoods.
- What?

[stutters] There'll be
naked Bootys on every corner.

There'll be gangsters with them,
Dirty Harry g*n,

selling that crackaine stuff.

And there'll be them
driveaways and people popping
each other's arses!

I can't believe you're saying
this, you're the one who taught
me to have an open mind.

- Oh, my God!
- I tell ya I had you then,
I had you there!

- You're just a big kid,
is what you are.

[keeps laughing]

Right. Kathleen!
Come on, your dinner's ready.

[clears throat]

Well, come on.
What's really the matter?

Well, we're...

...close to 400,000 short of

settling the mortgage payments.

And that's without even paying
off the principle.

Mm. And what is the principle?

- It's about seven million.
- Seven million euro?

Well, why did no one
tell me that before?
I mean, seven million euro!

Because we knew
you'd sh**t your mouth off

and you'd get
all hot and bothered.

- That's not true.
-[Pat scoffs]

But seven million.
I mean, my God!
What are you, a bunch of idiots?

There you go, you see.
You're on a roll. You're...

You're constantly persistent!

I need some air.

- Yeah, air? I think
it's a drink more likely.
- Argh!

Well, I hope you've got some
money, because the new landlord
might not accept credit.

-[bl*ws a raspberry]
-[bl*ws a raspberry]

Come on, grace, please.

Shall I say it?

For what we're about to receive

may the Lord make us
truly thankful. Amen.

[indistinct chatter]

- You alright?
- Aye, yeah. I'm alright.

Jimmy Jam is a freak of nature.

Work it, boy,
you can break it backs.

Give me some of
that four-leaf clover.

Yes, indeed, bend over
the four-leaf clover.

You look like you're Irish.
You're lucky, 'cos I'm here,

'cos Jimmy da Jam...

[upbeat music]

[music stops]

Hey, baby. Uh...

[sighs] Would you look at that?

-[door closes]

You ain't ever getting any.

And we'll not be taking
another drop from Finnegan's

'till he's out
from behind that bar!

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Oh, good evening, lads. Tell me,

- what's going on?
- We're having a meeting.

- Oh, what is it about?
-[Malachy] Aye.

About where to go for a drink.

Yes, I'm thinking
that's a... that's
a very difficult one, yes.

- That's right it is.
- It's a difficult one.


Being as there's
only one pub in the village.


Hey, but himself's in there.

And he's Black,
in case you hadn't noticed.

- Aye, Black.
- No, but it could rub off.

- Jesus, no?
- It could.

[laughs] Come on.
Come in for a jar, my shout.

And we thought you was one
of us, Pat Duffy. An Irishman.

Well, no, maybe I am.

As that's what it says
on my birth certificate.

Then why are you off
to consort with one of them?

Did you know that
in America we were
known as the Green n*gga.

- That's a lie,
that's a lie, everyone!
-[Pat] Toasted Irishmen.

And in England
as recently as the '‘50s,

there were many guesthouses
that had signs up saying,
"No Blacks, no dogs, no Irish."

Aye, well,
the English can kiss my arse.

No, they can't. And the famous
journalist who said,

"Now that Kennedy is President,
the Irish are almost White."

Huh? Do you see
any parallel in that?

- I don't see
nothing of the sort.
- Then you're a lot thicker

than I gave you credit for.
And I won't be hanging
around here.

I'm away for a drink.

Ah, it's not fair.
I'm fecking dying out here.

Aye, me too, I thought we were
meant to be infiltrating.

Not standing about
like bloody idiots.

You're a traitor, Pat Duffy.

Oh, I know it,
and I've a desperate thirst
and I'm going to quench it.

[upbeat music]

Jesus, that...

He looks like a packet of M&M's.

If you stuck a plug up his arse
you could light up the whole
of Ballywood.

[upbeat music continues]

Thank God
you haven't got access
to your full optics, Danny.

What's cr*ck-a-lacking?

I know a lot of you all
are in a state of shock.

But that's alright,
I'm here to help.

You know what I'm saying,
where I come from we kick it!

I'm going to
resurrect some people.
I'm going to do a Jesus,

- I'm going to come by
and lay my hand on you...
- What's he saying?

-...put a drink
to your door, but...
- It beats the hell out of me.

- First thing
we've got to learn...
- But he's got b*lls,

- I'll give him that. Big ones. to do is kick it.

You know what I'm saying?
I don't want nobody tripping.

Tripped? Who tripped?
Where's my medical bag?

Yeah. Oh, by the way... drinks for everybody!

Hey, Malachy.

[Celtic music]

Alright, Gramps. Break it down.

Now I know a lot of you
are saying to yourselves,

"Alright, who is
this Jimmy da Jam character?"

♪ But me like him style
all the while ♪

♪ Come with
a big coolade smile ♪

♪ If you came to have some fun ♪

♪ Put your glass in the air
on the one, and say ♪

♪ -Hey
- Hey ♪

♪ -Hey
- Hey ♪

♪ -Hey, hey
- Hey ♪

♪ Everybody put your glass up
in the air and say ♪

♪ -Hey
- Hey ♪

♪ -Hey
- Hey ♪

♪ -Hey
- Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[Celtic music]

Hey, we got some more people.
What can I get you?


[Celtic music continues]

- How's it going?
- Oh, it's going good.

- How are you doing?
- Great.

- Have you got any crisps?
- Crisps?

- Crisps.
- Crisps.

I think you call them chips,
don't you?

Chips! Yes, potato chips.

- I don't know.
- Thanks.


[Celtic music continues]


I don't care, food stamps,
if you got them, hand them over.

Like blue ones red ones,
you know what I'm saying.
We can transfer it.


[Celtic music continues]


Entertainment in the house
tonight is your new landlord.

So we're going to h*t it
like this.

Hello, good evening, we're
going to do a little number.

And I hope you dig it,
'cause I'm digging
you digging it, dig that.

[unintelligible singing]

Say what? Oh, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

- What? That's great.
-[Jimmy] You all
don't know that one, huh?

I don't understand
a word of it, but it's great.

♪ Don't come round
and ruin my thing ♪

♪ You know that a lonely guy ♪

- Interesting, don't you think?
- Hmm. Definitely.


I mean, um, Kathleen thinks so.
She thinks he's great.

Oh, it's Kathleen
that likes him, is it?

Have you not got
drinks to serve?

It goes something like this.

♪ -I seen a girl
she gone asked my name ♪
-[Maureen] I think he's fine.

♪ She said Jimmy Jam ♪

♪ Can you do that thing? ♪

♪ I said, hey! ♪

[chatter and shushing]


What's this?

[indistinct chatter]

- Leprechaun land!
- Hey, Leprechaun land,
that's nice.

That's a good idea. It's kind
of like Disney without a mouse.

But it's got
a little leprechaun dude.
Look, the little green dude.

The kids will like that.

So this Lord Hailstock
owns the entire village?

He inherited the land.

He owns everything,
lock stock and barrel.

- Except Finnegan's that is.
- No wonder you all hate
the English.

That's outdated.
We just don't like anyone
who takes advantage of us.

- Forty acres and a mule.
- What's that?

Well, when President Lincoln
freed the slaves

the government promised all of
us like forty acres and a mule.

You know,
Black people got happy.

We started running
around, break dancing.

We still break dancing.
Still waiting.

- We didn't get a doggie,
ain't seen an acre.

It's funny isn't it?
Someone offers you an aspirin
and gives you a headache.

I trust you've had time
to review the surveyors report.

Yes, Your Lordship.
- Good. Then we can proceed.

As long as no one minds
Leprechaun Land being
under water.


The whole area is
a bog land, sir.

Anything built there
would sink faster than
a pint of O'Malleys, sir.

- Has anyone else
seen this report?
- Not a soul, sir.

Well, see that
it remains that way.

- But, sir...
- Is there a problem?

[sighs] It's bog land, sir.
Legally we're supposed...

You know, I've always
envied you, Pettikreep?

- Yes, sir?
- Blessed as you are
with a steady job,

a generous employer
and a warm, cozy place to live.

Yes, sir.

It would devastate me to see you
on the streets, penniless.

Yes, sir.

I want you to contact
our people in Los Angeles.

I need to know everything
there is to know about
our new landlord.

I have to have that pub
to conclude the deal.

- Oh, and Pettikreep?
- Yes, sir?

- Never ever forget
who butters your bread.
- Yes, sir.

So this Hailstock's going
to suck everybody dry, huh?

Yeah, like a leech,
and we stand to lose everything.

Well, it ain't like things are
bopping around here, you know.

Ain't no big parties going on.

And this amusement park
would be good for business.

Everybody can make money.

- The pub, which I own.
- Yeah, but at what cost?

I mean, we lose this fight,
we stand to lose

everything that's made
this community what it is.

[indistinct chatter]

[Celtic music]

You know?

Money doesn't always
buy you happiness.

It's what you do with it
that counts. Or so they tell me.

Yeah, you got to spend it
on the finer things in life.

[romantic Celtic music]

- Well, goodnight then.
- Goodnight.

Hey, Jimmy. You know, um...

I've often thought that our
two cultures were very similar.

You know... I watched
The Commitments seven times.

Yeah? [chuckles]

Well, I thought
that Jungle Fever was a...

How would you say it?

"All good."


Well, I'm getting
a little jungle flu out here.

You're okay, Jimmy.

Just a bit misguided is all.

This is a photographic moment,

let me put this
in the memory bank.

You're just
a bit misguided, is all.


- Go away.
- Alright.

[unintelligible singing]

[dramatic musical sting]



Did you hear that?

[tense music]


[tense music]

Alright, son?
It's me, Father Duffy.

- You're safe now.
- Do you know
where you are, Jimmy?

[distorted] Would you like
a drop of whiskey?

Now, let's be taking
a look then.

Now, Jimmy, I want you
to follow me finger.

A bit of a shock to his system,
but other than that I'd say
he's in perfect shape.

Apart from his dress sense,
now that may be incurable.

-[Father] Well,
thank you, Doctor.
- But he can't be moved.

Not yet. Ah, he'll be fine.

Come on, let's get him upstairs.

He can have
my room for the night.

- Your bed?
- Yes, unless you're
volunteering yours.


[tense music]

[whimsical music]

[grunts] Ah!

Hey, Jimmy. Did I wake you?

[growls] Mm, Jimmy.

That's just how
I'm going to bite you.

Then I'm going to chew you up,
Jimmy. I'm going to chew you up.


Eat it.


Hey, Princess.

Are you standing guard?

You hear what
happened last night?

He lucky I didn't see him.

You know, 'cause
if I'd have seen him,

I'd have been
straight Bruce on him.

[kung fu noise]

You know, I trained
with Bruce personally.

You know. You don't
believe me, huh?

Why you don't believe me?
I'm telling you, girl.

My daddy taught Bruce's daddy's,
daddy's, daddy uncle.

In the Shaolin Temple.

[Oriental music]

[kung fu noises]

Who had feelings
for Ling Ling Chow?

You know, that's what would have
happened, if I'd have seen him.

But since I didn't get
no eyeballs on him,
you know what I'm saying?

That's when you know
they're scared, they have
to sneak up on you, see.

'Cause he ain't going to come
man to man face to face with,
you know what I'm saying?

[screaming] Jimmy da Jam.

[knock on door]

- Can I come in?
- Come on in, come on in.

I'm going to tell you
the rest later.

- So how are you feeling, better?
- I feel like a Hollywood hooker

- h*t me in the head with a...
- Ah! Excuse me, this is
not for her ears, thank you.

Oh. Yeah, she's just
talking up a storm, I mean,
chatter Kathy over there.

- Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
- No.

I think she's got the gift
of the gab, haven't you?

She just hasn't
unwrapped it yet.

-[Maureen kisses] Homework time.
- Homework.

Homework is good.
Stop all that talking!

Have you been feeding her
a load of old rubbish, have you?

Uh, just the part about homework
being good and learning.

- Boring.
- You do have a tendency
to exaggerate, don't you?

Exaggerate me? No.

See, the lump on my head is not
an exaggeration, that is a lump.

And that foot that was in
my ass wasn't an exaggeration.

So you have no idea
who jumped you?

I have no idea, but I'll never
forget that funky breath.

- Right, well.
- That breath was...

Oh, and I put your clothes
in the washing machine

on a bright colors cycle,
so that should cover it.

Uh, you've a bath run,

- and I've put you out
some proper clean clothes.
- Clothes?

Hey, I'm naked.

Well, did you expect me
to put you in with them?

Don't get your knickers in a
twist, I've seen it all before.

I've cooked and cleaned
for my Granddad and brothers
since I was nine.

I'll see you later.

Oh, and apparently,

it's not true what they say
about Black men, is it?

Hey, it was cold.

Cold, you know, it was cold.

Hey, look, look,
it's like a pole.

You can put a flag on it,
I'm telling you.

She don't know
I was born with one leg.

I had to learn
how to walk on it.

I've got to take my shoe off
every time I go to the bathroom.

Aha, no, I'm not.
They don't know... Rewind. Huh.

♪ Now I've bl*wn
right overseas ♪

♪ Brought the world
down to their knees ♪

♪ I got the fireplace chilling
in the back bubbles all around ♪

♪ I might give the young lady
a heart att*ck ♪

♪ I know she's telling me
What she say? ♪

♪ I know she's telling me
What she say? ♪

♪ Jimmy da Jam
you know she's telling me ♪

♪ Check, check, one two ♪

♪ Woop, Woop, check
check, one two ♪


♪ Huh, ain't even got a car ♪

♪ Woah, here we go
I'm at the bar ♪

♪ Drinks on me, set everybody
free, Jimmy Da Jam ♪


♪ Ham Sam I am
everybody, drink up ♪

♪ It's on the house
now you got to do it ♪


♪ Big West tunes the west side ♪

♪ Best, come on the east
coast doing the most ♪


Jesus! Michael, you scared
the living daylights out of me.

I heard what happened.

- Is he okay?
- Yeah, he's on the mend.

Can you not hear him?

He stayed the night then?

Yeah, the doc said
not to move him.

Breakfast in bed?

I'm not sure I like where
this conversation is going.

Look, Maureen.

I know I'll never be
able to replace Frank.

And I don't expect to.

But I think...'s time I made
an honest woman of you.

- Look, Michael I...
- No, please...

...let me finish.

[somber music]

I know I'm not perfect.

And I know you don't love me.

But I'm sure you
could learn to in time.

And besides, Kathleen needs
a father figure in her life.

And you know I love her
like me own.

- You know I will.
- Yeah.


What do you say?

Well, I suppose when you put it
like that, it makes sense.

It's just...

Hey, Michael.


What happened to your hair?

Oh, God.

Everything good?

Yeah, it's... um, all good.

- Mm.
- Look at that,
don't we look fine.

- Styling and profiling, baby.
- I'd say almost Irish.

- Well, you know, I know how
to put some things together.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and domesticated too.
Good, I like that in my rappers.

So, Jimmy, tell me...

...what do you want out of life?
What's going to make you happy?

Let's see, peace on earth.

No, that's the answer
that models give.

I want to be rich,
I want to be famous,
you know what I'm saying?

Because me and music
are one, you know?

Music is like my best friend.

You know? I could make it too,
all I need is a sh*t.

Alright, so, When you perform
at Finnegan's, why...

Why do you always
impersonate someone else?

Hey, that's what I do,
that's who I am,
you know what I'm saying?

No, no, it's not, it's not
who you are. It's who they are.

I think you should spend
more time being yourself.

I've never seen
Kathleen this happy.

And it's you that does it,
it's not those fellows
that you impersonate.

Mm, well, you know,
I've got magnetism, you know,
like electro-magnetism.

You know, that's
the female species, you know,

- the girls, the girls,
they love me. [laughs]
- Yeah?

- Oh, okay,
you want to start now?
- I did a little bit.

- Oh, here's
a whole lot. Hey, wait.
- Little... no, little! Kathleen!

Food fight!

[joyful music]

You are so d*ad, Jimmy Mac.

You know, my mama used to play
this song called, "Jimmy Mac."

♪ Jimmy, oh, Jimmy Mac
when are you coming back? ♪

♪ I want to say
my arms are missing you ♪

♪ My lips feel
the same way too ♪

♪ I try so hard to be true ♪

♪ Like I promised I'd do ♪

♪ But this boy keeps
coming around ♪

♪ He's trying to wear
my resistance down ♪

♪ Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy ♪

♪ Oh, Jimmy Mac
when are you coming back? ♪

♪ Jimmy, Jimmy ♪

♪ Oh, Jimmy Mac
you better hurry back ♪

♪ Need your loving ♪

♪ -Jimmy Mac ♪
♪ -Need your loving ♪

♪ Hey, Jimmy Mac
you better hurry back ♪

♪ Hey, Jimmy Mac
when are you coming back? ♪

♪ Oh, I'm not getting
any stronger ♪

♪ Can't hold out
very much longer ♪

♪ Jimmy Mac
when are you coming back? ♪

-[music fades]
- Whoa!

- Pettikreep?
- Yes, sir.

-[back cracks]

- Oh!
- I received some very
valuable information

from the City of Angels.

It seems our Mr. McDevitt
wouldn't know a straight line

if it jumped up
and bit him on the arse.

And then it would
probably die of food poisoning.

In short, one of life's losers.

- A bit like you, Pettikreep.
- Yes, sir.

So, you're going to make him a
financial offer he won't refuse.

- I can't rely on those
idiot McNultys alone.
- Certainly, sir.

- Oh, and Pettikreep?
- Yes, sir.

No mistakes.
When I pull this off...

...I'll be rich
beyond my wildest dreams.

Come on, Chappie!

[whimsical music]


Ah, what up, Mr. Pettikreep?

Yeah, what can I do
for you this fine day?

Oh, well, that is
a lot of cheddar.

No, I mean, cheese,
cash, man, cash.

Oh, yeah, we can come
to some kind of agreement.

I'm a businessman,
business is what I do.

[emotional music]

And the deal was, if I didn't
come up with the money,
I had to marry their sister.

She got all emotional,
gave me some honeymoon money,

and I lost it in a crap game.

Then I split.

What, you just left the little
lady standing at the altar?

Little lady?
No, we're talking 300 pounds.

Pit bull. Block jaw.

[emotional music]

Have you ever been married?

Yeah, I was once.

What happened?

It's a long story.

Talk to me now, talk to me.

[chuckles softly] Okay,
um, he was called frank.

He was called Frank,
is that his name
or they just called him Frank?

-"Hey, Frank,"
but his real name is Doug.
- No, his name was Frank.

- We say it here differently.
- Oh, okay.

His name was Frank and we met
a university in Dublin.

So we got married
and got pregnant.
Well, I did, obviously.

Well, if he got pregnant,
you know, we need to study him.


- Do you want to hear the story?
- Come on, girl.

Anyway, Kathleen adored him,
he was an amazing father.

But one day
he took her shopping,


They were h*t by a drunk driver.

Frank was k*lled.

She didn't have a mark on her.

See supposedly, um...

He protected her
from the impact with his body.

It was like he was
making a deal with God.

It was either... [sighs]

you know... his life for hers.

She was only four years old.

Can you imagine, four years old?

And he d*ed in her arms.

She hasn't spoken a word since.

[emotional music]

- It's going to be alright.
- Oh, I know, we just...

We take one day at a time
and we live in hope.

Do you know,
if you ever, ever hurt her
or you disappoint her...

...I promise you, I'll k*ll you.

Did somebody just thr*aten me
with bodily harm?

Mm-hmm, well it's
either that or I drop
a line to the psycho lady.

Hey, k*ll me, don't
call the psycho, k*ll me.

- You'd rather
be k*lled? [laughs]
- Yes, d*ad, gone, buried, dirt.

- Hey!
- Hello, Angel.

How you doing there, Princess?

- How are you doing?
- Hey, hey, now, stop it.

That's greedy,
where's mine then?

- Oh!

The whole village is talking.

Well, it's all very confusing.

He's a nice enough fella,
if you make out
what he's saying.

But him and my only

Oh, it is a bitter pill
to swallow.

- It's not
a color thing now is it?
- God forbid, I'm no r*cist!



I'd always hoped that Michael
and Maureen would be wed.

He's a fine fella.
He's a bit boring.

But he'd be
a good father to Kathleen.

I want good things for them.

Be careful, Da.

Maureen's old enough
to make her own decisions.

Shove too hard one way, you may
wind up pushing her the other.

Well, I'll be leaving you.

You know, Da? I've not seen
Maureen this happy for years.


Well, she may finally be
about to open up, you know?

Well, you missed your calling!

You should have been one
of them psychological fellas.

What is the difference?

[indistinct chatter]

See Jimmy da Jam is
a professional martial artist.

Now you have your hand here,
because once you block,

you come through
and strike with the action.

Then as soon as they come,
jump up in them.

Alright? Jimmy Da Jam will
teach you some more tomorrow,

once I've loosened up.

Have you no shame,
Maureen Duffy?

Bringing disgrace
on your own kind?

Walking around hand in hand
with yon fellow.

Aye, he's alright
fighting with the kiddies.

Unless you want to be trying
them moves on a grown man?

Come on,
Jimmy the Raspberry Jam man.

Show young Kathleen
what a big fella you are.

[Brian laughs]


- I thought so.
- Come on. Come on.

These yanks are all the same.

- All mouth, no action.
- What did you say?



I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?
Oh, God, Jimmy, are you okay?
I'm so sorry, love.

You h*t like a girl. I'm cool.

[indistinct chatter]

Come on, let's not be hanging
around with the riff raff.

- We're not hanging
around with the riff raff.

Ah. [clears throat]

You know, they were lucky
you were there.

Because, you know, I was about
to go Bruce on them, you know.

Whoa! But you know, I just...

The art of fighting
without fighting.

There you go.

I left some stew
on stewing, you know.

I want to make sure
it's stewing properly.

Put some spices in it, you know?
Us Black people like it spicy.

Alright, catch up
with you all later.
Don't forget what I told you.

Hey, Jimmy.

I'm really sorry.


Macho man, baby.

Come on. What youse looking at?

Come on, love.

[crow cawing]

Please excuse the interruption,
Lord Hailstock.

My name is Suzuki.

Suzuki? Suzu... The Suzuki?
The Japanese industrialist?

It has been brought
to my attention that
you are planning to

build a hundred million dollar
theme park in Ireland.

And I would be very interested
to invest in such a project.

I can offer you 90%
of the funding and charge
no interest on the loan.

You put in other 10%, I will
give you first recoupment.

Oh, indeed, well,
that sounds reasonable.

I think it would be
prudent for us to meet.

I will organize my trip
as soon as possible.

I look forward to seeing you.

So do I. Sayonara.


Pettikreep, can you hear me?

-[static noise]

- Yes, sir.
- Bring me a bottle
of the, uh, '53.

Immediately, sir.

-[Hailstock with static]
And Pettikreep?
- Yes, sir.

Did you handle that situation?

I spoke with him.
It won't be a problem.

He was very agreeable.

I thought so. Bloody Yanks
or anything for a quick buck.

Especially this one.

[bell tolling]

Good morning, to you all.

Good morning, Father.

Now, as you all know
we have a new addition
to our little family.

So, I thought it would be
a good idea to spice up
the sermon a little bit.

[static noise]

♪ In the beginning
was the word ♪

♪ You heard ♪

♪ It took flight like a bird ♪

♪ On the wings of truth ♪

♪ It flies, gives
the structure to all lives ♪

♪ Wipes the tears
from men's eyes ♪

♪ So don't cry, don't cry ♪

♪ For Adam and Eve, you and me ♪

♪ Lord above the King of
Kings sets us all free ♪

h*t it, Da!

[guitar playing]


[music stops]

[indistinct chatter]

Allow me to introduce
my new associates

Mr. Suzuki and Mr. Yamamoto.

Now it seems your little contest
has left you somewhat short.

But, as I'm kind and caring,
there'll be no evictions.

Thousands of tourists
will soon be upon us.

And Mr. Suzuki has kindly agreed
to offer some of you jobs.

And, although menial,
it will be a living.

Those of you fortunate
enough to be selected

will of course
be required to wear
the official theme park uniform.

[shouting] Pettikreep!

[indistinct chatter]

The pointy shoes
haven't arrived yet.

But being as they are
one size fits all,

I'm sure they'll be
nice and snug.

I'd sooner suck a d*ad
dog's eye than wear that!

Haven't you done enough
damage to this village already!


This is a house
about the good word.

I ain't got nothing
but bad words for you.

So you might want to
agitate the ground.

-[man] Right, Jimmy.
Go on. Tell him.
- Kick rocks.

-[crowd] Yeah.
- Leave you mother... Excuse me.

Right on. Just go.

[indistinct chatter]

And take
this Leprechaun with you.

That's right, Jimmy,
you tell them, boy.


[low pitch noise]

Shame on you.

♪ If only I could fly away ♪

♪ To be with my true love ♪

♪ And with the wings
we'd surely soar ♪

♪ To heaven's skies above ♪

You know, your mother's got
the sweetest voice I ever heard.

I bet you could sing
like that if you wanted to.

Yeah, I bet you could sing
like Mariah or Janet.

You know,
I know Mariah personally.

You don't believe me?

[sighs] You know, for a quiet
little girl, you see a lot.

Run along, now.

♪ I have his heart
to b*at for me ♪

I've got to hand it to you,
Jimmy, you've certainly a way
with the ladies.

Yeah, but I could
never keep them, Mike.

Sooner or later,
they figured me out.

What about you?

- I mean, what you going to do?
- About what?

About what? You and Maureen.

I mean, she needs you.
Kathleen really needs you.

I tried, Jimmy,
believe me, I have,

but she doesn't seem
comfortable with the idea.

- It's you she seems
to have taken a liking to.
- Me?

- Yeah.
- Me and Maureen?
Mike, you're tripping.

Tripping. It'd never work out.

Besides, you know, I've got
my career to think about, man.

I've got people to see,
places to go, money to make.

I mean,
you can't give up so easy.
You gotta keep fighting, man.

It's like my Granpappy did,
World w*r II.

Patton said,
"Give me all the Black men,
let's see what they can do."

He joins, they whipped them
"weinersnitlels" all the way
back to Berlin, man.

God bless
his decorated Black ass.

He's a great man. Yes, Lord.

That's a hell
of a speech, Jimmy.

But isn't that what you
yourself is doing, giving up?

♪ his embrace
my darling heart to start ♪

♪ When he is far away from me ♪

♪ My heart will break in two ♪

♪ When he returns
we'll make our bed ♪

♪ In the soft sweet
morning dew ♪

- Shut up. Shush...

Did you bring it?

Here's the information.

Lord Hailstock said
to make good use of it.



What the hell are you doing
down here? Slacking as usual.

- Any news?
- Just had confirmation

that the Japanese funding
has been transferred

into the Leprechaun
land account.


All those zeros.

Bloody marvelous.

What happens
when the Japanese find out

that the land is not
fit for building on?

Well, it works like this.
I raise ten million euros

mortgaging the entire village
and all its contents
to the hilt.

And Suzuki provides
the other 90%.

I immediately award 20 million

in bogus building contracts
to my own dummy companies.

Now, as soon as the Japs find
out that the land round here has
the consistency of sponge cake,

Suzuki will quietly
take back his cash

in order to avoid a scandal.

Minus, of course, the 20 million
I've already siphoned off.

I pay back my creditors
and pocket a cool ten million.

Genius, sir.

I think so.

Talking of Finnegan's,
I do believe the show
is about to start.

- Oh, and, Pettikreep.
- Yes, sir?

Not a word.

Remember who butters your bread.

- Don't think
I could forget, sir.
- Mm.

♪ Well, it's been a while
since I've been in LA ♪

♪ Travel real far
things I got to say ♪

♪ Now if you understand
raise your hand in the air ♪

♪ Excuse me for a moment while
I've go and check my hair ♪

-♪ I've got me a big girl ♪
- McDevitt!

♪ Then she tried to hug me
she cracked three ribs ♪

♪ I was
in the hospital all night ♪

♪ -I was supposed to marry her ♪
- McDevitt!

♪ That's what they told me ♪

♪ I was jumping out the window ♪

♪ Butt assed naked
they coming after me ♪

♪ I thought
they was gonna take it ♪

♪ Then I won Finnigan's, y'all ♪

- Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy, stop.
- Ah, what?

I think we've got visitors.

we need you outside now.

-[man 1] Show your face.
-[man 2] Where is McDevitt?
Come on out.

What the hell is going on?

- Hey, what's up, fellas?
-[Brian] McDevitt...

You're a liar and a cheat.
And I knew it all along.

Aye, we found out about
the Dirty Dime man.

- And how you stole his song!
Ya rogue git, ya!
- Aye.

Pack up and get out
of Ballywood now.

You leave him alone.
Do ya hear me?

Shut up and be quiet,
the lot of youse.

[indistinct chatter]

Now, Jimmy, I've read the words,

and it does seem that
your poem has been lifted

from this Dime fellas record.

Can I see that
for a second, Father?

Hmm. Dirty Dime.

Dirty Dime. Yeah, yeah,
he used to be with that group
Nickel and Dime.

I was going to play the cut
for you. You know,
"Nickel and Dime."

He went solo, Dirty Dime.

Well, look I... you caught me.

I'm dirty. He's dirty.
It's a dirty situation.

Hey, guilty as charged.
Somebody got some handcuffs?

[indistinct shouting]

For God's sake,
it just a poem. Okay?

It's not the end of the world.
We've all done things we regret.

- We've all done poems.
-[Brian] Trust you
to stick up for him.

The man is a liar and a thief.

- Are you satisfied now?
You can go home.
- Not yet!

Is it true,
that you intend to sell
Finnegan's to Lord Hailstock?


-[all] Oh, no.
- Uh...

- Tell them it's not true.
- Of course it's true.

-[man] See what he has
to say to this, then.
- Now that's my business.

Now look, we've a right to know.

Now you tell us the truth
and we'll take your word for it.

That's right.

Or do I need to
knock it out of you again?

Like I did last time.

Only this time,
you won't get up so quick.

- So, it was you.
- Yeah, I'd recognize
that breath anywhere.


You know what, McNulty?

Why don't you pucker up
and kiss my Black ass?

- Damn.
- Oh!

You messed up now, boy.

[upbeat fiddle music]

[crowd uproar]

If he's innocent,
the good Lord will be with him.

[commotion continues]

[upbeat fiddle music]

Come on.

[music stops]

[kung fu noises]

[upbeat fiddle music continues]

Keep the n*gga in the net.
Let's break the buck
and make it fast.

Let me go. Freedom! Freedom!

Come on, then.

Where's my medical bag?

I'm going to whoop your ass.

Don't just sit there, help me!

Good afternoon.

Prepare to fly, McDevitt.

That'll teach you
to mess with a McNulty.

And just so you know,
there's plenty more
where that came from.

You kicked the shite
out of him. [chuckles]

I told you he was shite.

[imitating chicken]



You know, I trained
with Bruce, personally.

You don't believe me, huh?

[quiet music]


-[gong rings]
-[inhales deeply]

[Oriental music]

[kung fu scream]

Excuse me.

Which one of you
hobbits want it?

Oh, you see, you.
You want some, do you?

-[Jimmy] I had him.
- Come on, give him to me.

Yes, Lord. I believe in God.

[cheering and applauding]

Didn't I tell you,
he was one of us?

He even fights like an Irishman.

Aye, but he still hasn't
explained Father about
selling out to Hailstock.

Oh, shut up, you.

He'd never do
something like that, would you?

Jimmy, tell them.

Jimmy. Tell them.


[somber music]

How could you? Why would you
do something like that?

But if you sell it to Hailstock,
that's the end of the village.

So that's all
we were to you, was it?

A penny antiscam,
a get rich quick scheme.

Do you know what?
Trusting you, believing you

was the biggest mistake
I've ever made in my life!

You're a cheat, you're a liar,
you're a phony,

you're a big mouth
and I hate you!

I hate you and I never
want to see you again.

You can go to hell.

She's right.

[somber music continues]

Hold my coat.

- Hold my coat!
- No, Pat! No, Pat!
Don't! Oh, no!

Did the good Lord
not forgive Judas?

Get out.

Be gone with you.

♪ It's hard to listen
to a hard, hard heart ♪

♪ b*ating close to mine ♪

♪ Pounding up against
the stone and steel ♪

♪ Walls that I won't climb ♪

♪ Sometimes a hurt is
so deep, deep, deep ♪

♪ You think that
you're going to drown ♪

♪ Sometimes all I can do
is weep, weep, weep ♪

♪ With all this rain
falling down ♪

♪ Strange how hard
it rains now ♪

♪ Rows and rows
of big dark clouds ♪

♪ When I'm holding on
underneath this shroud ♪

♪ Rain ♪

♪ Now I don't want to
beg you, baby ♪

♪ For something maybe
you could never give ♪

♪ I'm not looking for
the rest of your life ♪

♪ I just want
another chance to live ♪


- Pettikreep, tea.
- Yes, sir.

Now, this had better be bloody
good this time in the morning.

Yes, sir. Got some
information for you, sir.

The villagers have called
an urgent meeting, sir.

- They're down
at Finnegan's now, sir.
- What, now?

Oh, I thought this
was all over with.

where's my bloody tea?

Coming, sir.

So, what's this meeting about?

Nobody knows, sir. Secret.

-[Hailstock] Oh, I wonder
what it could be.


[electronic alarm]


- Pettikreep!
-[Pettikreep] What is it, sir?

- It's empty.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
I'll get a refill.

No, the account, you idiot,
it's empty! I've been robbed!

What the bloody hell
are you all gawping at?

[indistinct chatter]

Now, get on with it.

Now shush, be quiet, all of you.
Everybody be quiet now,
will you?

What's this all about, Father?
We should all be home
in our beds.

-[woman] Yes, we should.
- I don't know, Tom,

but I'm sure we're going
to find out very soon.

-[woman] Well, we'd better.
-[door opens]

-[banging door]
-[man] What the hell's
happening here now?

It's those two fellas.

I don't understand.

Do you think those
two fellows ought to be here?

-[woman 2] He hasn't.
-[woman 3] Do you know
what's going on?

[indistinct chatter]


-[woman] Oh my, what's that?

What's up? How's it
hanging, Hailstock?

Don't bother saying nothing,
just listen.

By now you've probably
figured out your bank account's
been emptied.

Damn, that's a lot
of missing loochey.

We all know about
the land being no good.

-And how you stashed
a surveyor's report.
- What's going on?

Ah, let me see
that would be fraud.

Yeah, if my memory serves me,
that is fraud.

Look, I don't want you
to go to jail for 20 years.

So, here's the deal.

Alright? You give back ten
million minus the ten percent

for my homies who helped me
put this play together.

-Fast Freddie and Diamond Jack.
- Yo, what's up?


And of course,
my friend, the mole,
which we'll get to later.

-[woman] Who's the mole?
- And you'll need to be
returning the cash

that the village
paid you for the contest.

No, no, no, no, you see, I...

You don't talk yet.
I'm not done.

Also, you sign over Ballywood,

all the surrounding land,
including Finnigan's.

-[woman] You're joking.
- This way everybody gets
what they want.

You walk away clean.
Well, almost.

I might have to leak
this to the press, you know.

Let's see, "The Honorable
Lord Hailstock tried to,

uh, scam investors
in a bad land deal."

Oh, I say, Mole, uh,

can you please
pass the agreement

-to the old boy there? Yes, yes.
-[clears throat]

Okay, Your Lordship,
we need your signature

on the dotted line, now.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, and just so you know,
we have some insurance.

It's a copy of
the surveyor's report.

Addressed to Lord Hailstock.

The minute my man
Pettikreep is alright,

I'll transfer the balance
back to your account.

Oh, one last thing.

Don't come back.

The land belongs to the people.

Irish, that is.

[all cheering]

I want you to get
this Jimmy da Jam for me.

I want you to stop him now!

Well you, idiots?
What are you waiting for?

We won't be needing your blood
money for what I have to do.

Come on.

By the way...

...I never did like
butter on my bread.

I'm a jam man, myself.

Or to be more specific,
a Jimmy Da Jam man.

So you can stick
your job up your arse. Ha!

I've got a plane to catch.

[all cheering]


What time does the next boat
leave for the mainland?

What time does the boat
leave for the mainland?

Six o'clock.


[somber music]

Go get him.



[mouthing] Yeah.


Thank you.

[ship horn tooting]

[slow fiddle music]



Jimmy, look, I...

Jimmy. [panting]

Jimmy McDevitt, will you stop
being so bloody stubborn!

[seagulls squawking]

You just going to leave and...

and that's it.
You can't do that.

You can't just mess with
people's feelings like that.

God, what an idiot I've been.

There was I thinking
that you actually cared.

- I do care.
- No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

You know,
for a moment there, Maureen,

I thought you and I
had something.

- We do.
- You and Kathleen.

But I was just fooling myself.


- But...
- No, don't "but."

I mean, how many free beers

I got to give away
in this village?

You can't buy acceptance,
Lord knows I tried,

three times a Sunday.

Yeah, Jimmy is a likable guy.

But, you know what?

Deep down inside,
they're all afraid of me.

Afraid of who I am.
What they think I represent.

So I didn't disappoint them.
Pulled off the scam of
a lifetime.

But it's all over now.

It's time for Jimmy Da Jam
to get back to...

...familiar territory.

- Make another quick buck.
- And then what?

You spend it and you make
another, and you make
another and another.

Where does it all end? Can't you
see the emptiness of it all?

Huh? Stay.

Come on.
What have you got to lose?

You can't
keep on running, Jimmy.

What are you running from?

Everybody loves you.

They do. Everybody loves you,
just the way you are.

Are you going to
make me say it, I love you.

Okay. I love you.

[crying] Please, don't go.

[dramatic music]

Please don't go.

I got to go, Maureen.

I gotta go.


James McDevitt, you stop there!

Or as God is my witness...

...I will not be responsible
for my actions!

- Now, there.
- And that goes for me too.

And remember,
I h*t twice as hard.

McDevitt. McDevitt!

You're a liar and a scam artist.

This time I'm going
to b*at the hell out of you.

But only if you take
one more step towards that boat.

This village needs you.

Jimmy Da Jam man.

We'd like you to stay.

That's all of us.

-[man] Please, Jimmy.
-[woman] Please, stay.


My God. [gasps]


[indistinct chatter]

Please don't leave.

Me dad left me.

Don't you leave me too.

Don't leave.

[dramatic music]

[bell tolling]

Maureen Duffy.

Kathleen Duffy.

Do youse take this man

James Winston Da Jam McDevitt,
to be your lawful husband

and father?

I do.

[clears throat]


you've not lost
your voice again, have you?


Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, then. You can count me in.


Thank the Lord for that.

With the powers
passed on down to me,

I now declare you a family.


Well, go on then, Jimmy.

You're legal,
you may kiss the bride.

You don't have to tell me twice.

[Maureen chuckles]

-[dramatic music]
-[man] That's it, Jimmy.

[cheering and applauding]

My dad was right
about the magic ones.

But then everyone has a little
bit of magic in them,
don't you think?

What? You don't believe me?


Get your Black ass
away from that girl!

You're not going to get away
from me, Jimmy. Surprise!

[upbeat music]

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't push your luck
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can clutch with my hands ♪

♪ Irish Jam ♪

♪ Irish Jam ♪

The long lost son of Ireland!

♪ There was me Jimmy Jam
and making money ain't a thing ♪

♪ I'll sell you a bag of grass
let alone a big j ♪

♪ Don't stay with it, play with
it, hustle with no muscle ♪

♪ Psycho's a big girl, so you
don't even want to touch her ♪

♪ Some things went down
Lord knows I want to fight ♪

♪ Bought a lottery ticket
and I'm on the next flight ♪

♪ So don't hate me
I'm only trying to get paid ♪

♪ International hustler, man
US to Ireland ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't push your luck
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can't clutch
with both hands ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't lose your pot of gold ♪

♪ At the end of
this beautiful rainbow ♪

♪ You can run, Jimmy Jam
but you can't hide ♪

♪ You can call me psycho
but I'm going to be your wife ♪

♪ You don't like me
coz I'm a big girl ♪

♪ When all I want to do
is rock your world ♪

♪ You can take a trip
to the end of the rainbow ♪

♪ And even if you think
I'm a saint, I remain strong ♪

♪ And if you think
I'm too big to hold ♪

♪ You'd better take a good look
coz I'm a real pot of gold ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't press your love ♪

♪ Don't press your love ♪

♪ Now the people of the village
yeah, they're looking at me ♪

♪ Now how can I set them free?
Like old books ♪

♪ Same story, rich man
tried to take the land ♪

♪ But Jimmy Jam got
a master plan ♪

♪ Now what you see before your
eyes is card tricks in motion ♪

♪ Got the whole village back
to coasting and toasting ♪

♪ I ain't boasting
I was slick like an ocean ♪

♪ Hitting 'em with
three wheel motion ♪

♪ Irish Jam
Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't press your love
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can touch with my hand ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't lose your pot
of gold at the end ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't push your love
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can touch with my hands ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't lose your pot of gold ♪

♪ At the end of
the beautiful rainbow ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't push your love
like a four-leaf clover ♪

♪ You can touch with my hands ♪

♪ Irish Jam, Irish Jam ♪

♪ Don't lose your pot of gold ♪

♪ At the end of
this beautiful rainbow ♪

♪ -Don't press your love ♪
-[music fades]

You know, baby.

There comes a time
in a man's life

when a man's got to do
what a man's got to do.


And I just did it.

Yeah. [laughs]

- Come on.
- Where we going with the...


Now I...


Oh, and domesticated too.
Just how I like my rappers.

I like to wrap something up
myself every day.

For Christmas I wrap and I wrap.



Pettikreep, I trust you...

Oh, f#*#*#*, I've got a cramp
in my foot, sorry.


Oh, eat, it just doesn't matter.

They don't know how to feed
Black people here.

We're gonna have to teach them.
Okey dokey.

First we want to start
with pancakes, pancakes.

Who wants pancakes?
I want pancakes.

Pancakes, pancakes.

I never had no bear before.

A little bear
could be a good thing. Hmm?



[chuckles] This is...

It seems our Mr. McDevitt
wouldn't know a straight line

if it jumped up
and bit him on the arse.

And then it...

Come on, stand now, behave.

you b#*#*#*#*#*, get over there.

[music continues]

Oh and Euen... Hi.


- Whoa!

♪ Oh, did you know
it's an Irish Jam ♪

♪ That we're doing now ♪

♪ It's a kooky situation ♪

You know, cameraman, you're
Italian just like Frank Sinatra.

Good friend of mine, man,
dig that man.

Okay, I'm ready. Reloaded.
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