Yeah, man, giraffes are crazy.
Right? It seem like they'd
be choking all the time.
Facts. Oh.
- Hey, you want one?
- Yes, of course.
Can I get, uh, two of
[SENSUAL MUSIC]
Oh, oh ♪
You're my lady ♪
♪
Damn, did you just see that?
Yeah, man. She was all over you.
- You gonna go after her?
- Nah, I've grown.
Life ain't a rom-com,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm good. [GASPS]
Actually, I will go after
her. She stole my wallet.
Hey, give me my wallet back!
Damn, she is gone!
Whoop, whoop ♪
Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
Team is here and now it's on ♪
Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
If you got me, then I got you ♪
This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew ♪
You know, I feel it in my bones.
What's up, y'all?
- Whoa!
- What the hell?
- What?
- You just gonna walk in here
wearing a hat and
expect us not to react?
I wanted to wear a hat.
Sherm wears hats all the time.
Don't bring me into this
crazy choice you made today.
So I'm not much of a hat
guy, but, you know, I figured,
why not now? Life is short.
So you're wearing a cap
because life is short?
Yes.
- That's stupid.
- Stupid
- No, it's stupid.
- It's just a hat.
Okay, enough about
Anthony's insane clothing.
- A hat is insane now?
- On your head, absolutely.
So listen, okay, I've been
dating this guy named Clarke.
He's very sexy.
We've been getting along great.
Sounds like there's a "but" coming.
No, there's not.
So we've been getting
along great, however
"However" is just a fancy "but."
[SHARPLY] However
he talks in his sleep.
Ooh, interesting. What
he be talking about?
Here's the thing: I think it's about me.
[MUTTERING] Damn, Nicky,
why are you always so late?
You're so damn late all the damn time.
Oh, my God.
You do show up late sometimes.
He's definitely talking about you.
I mean, it's so weird.
Is it normal?
It's called somniloquy.
Sorry, I overheard you
guys, but I can tell you,
it's a common form of parasomnia
whereby a person talks in their sleep
with no memory whatsoever.
66% of people are gonna
talk in their sleep
at some point in their life.
Completely normal.
Oh. Well, thanks, nurse lady.
- Thank you.
- Maybe you should
talk to him about the sleep stuff
or just apologize for the lateness.
Nuh-uh, it is too early
in the relationship
for me to be communicating
with my partner.
[CHUCKLES] You're silly.
Or you could just not say anything,
and then show up on time next time,
and, you know, keep it pushing.
Thank you, Anthony.
Finally, someone wants to give me advice
that I actually want to hear.
This is a hot take, but I like taxes.
I want my roads to be smooth.
Okay, I I guess that makes sense.
Oh, Keith! Dale!
- What's up, y'all?
- Hey.
- How you doing, man?
- What's going on, man?
- Good to see you.
- What's up, baby?
- This my boy, Sherm.
- What's up, man?
- Keith, man.
- From your group of single, hopeless friends?
[LAUGHTER]
I'll tell you one thing:
it's good y'all found wives early,
'cause y'all ugly.
- Okay.
- [LAUGHS] A'ight.
Aye, there go Keith again
with that goofy-ass laugh,
sounding like a hyena.
[BOTH IMITATE LAUGH]
And you shouldn't be laughing, Wyatt.
You look like you shop
at Brokes Brothers.
- He broke.
- [LAUGHTER]
Go ahead, Wyatt. It's your turn, man.
- Hit 'em with it.
- Okay, um
hey, Keith, where'd you get those shoes?
Brokes Brothers?
Oh, no.
Did you just recycle a roast?
Uh, what he meant to say was,
when y'all get home tonight,
make sure you leave those
shoes outside on the curb
- 'cause they trash.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
That's a good one,
Sherm. That's a good one.
Hey, Wyatt, you should
have him come through
to play spades this week
since Chuck's out of town.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Uh, what you think, Sherm?
Oh, yeah, man, I'll be
there, and get ready,
'cause I'ma spank you
like your mamas should've.
- Okay!
- Okay!
[IMITATES SWITCH cr*ck] "Mama!"
Uh, okay. We'll see y'all
at the spades night, man.
- All right.
- Come on, get yo'
Excuse me.
Uh, sorry to bother you, everyone,
but does anyone happen to be the owner
of that silver Prius
that's parked in the back?
Oh, yeah, that's my car.
Oh, well, um, parking in
back is for employees only.
- Oh, my bad.
- No worries. Thank you.
[HUFFS]
[CHEERILY] Hi!
Hey. What's up?
I'm sorry to bother you again,
uh, but I actually need the spot.
That's why I made the announcement.
Could you move your car, please?
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Sorry again
- Oh, it's okay.
Could you move your car now?
Uh, one of our vendors is on the way.
- I won't be much longer.
- Okay.
- Um, how much longer?
- I don't know.
I mean, are you keeping a
clock on all your customers?
What is going on? Look,
I'm trying to be reasonable.
I mean, I could've had your car towed.
Oh, so we making threats now?
No, I'm just saying I
could've had it towed.
- Look, Mr. Donuts
- Okay.
The shop is called Copy and Donuts,
but my last name isn't Donuts,
and I feel like you know that.
I don't know your life, but you clearly
don't want my business, so next time,
I'll be sure to go somewhere else.
What is happening?
Nicky.
Hey. You're early.
Well, being late is very
uncharacteristic for me.
I love being on time.
In high school, I was voted
most likely to be on time for
stuff.
Damn, that is so sexy.
- It is?
- Mm-hmm.
Who knew? [LAUGHS]
[MUTTERING] Oh, damn,
Nicky, you are so punctual.
Mm. That's what's up. [MOANS]
[WHISPERING] Yes!
Hm? What'd you say, baby?
Oh, nothing. You're cute.
Go back to sleep.
Why are you so deep in your phone, Noah?
- What's going on?
- Ugh.
I got into it with this woman at work,
and now she just gave Copy and Donuts
- a one-star review.
- One star?
Noah, what did you do?
Nothing. I just kindly asked her
to move her car out of
an employees only spot,
and now she's saying,
"Copy and Donuts offers
cold coffee and struggle donuts,
and the parking
arrangement is classist."
Employee parking isn't classist!
Sounds classist to me.
Whose side are you on?
I'm always on the side
of drama in this dancery.
I have to do something about this.
I I just don't like this bad review.
I would strongly advise against it.
Can't please 'em all. Just move on.
Have you met me? I can't just move on.
I need to be liked, all right?
So I'm gonna invite her back to the shop
and make things right.
I just need to turn on some
of ze, ah, business charm.
- Ew, what is that?
- That was a French accent.
What's up? [CLEARS THROAT]
What's good, y'all?
Sorry, excuse me.
What? Is it the hat again?
- BOTH: Yes.
- Obviously.
- Come on.
- Well, I think it looks good.
Tell us what's happened with this hat.
- What's going on?
- This is ridiculous.
Okay! Okay! Okay!
Damn. There was an incident
at the barber shop.
[LAUGHTER]
And then I said,
"Bust it down and put that thang on it!"
[LAUGHTER]
[CLIPPER BUZZING]
ALL: Damn!
Ooh, he gon' need some hats.
- Just show it to us.
- Mm.
It can't be any worse
than it looks right now.
Yeah, you look like a sad fisherman.
Over there looking like LL Fool J.
- Ooh!
- [LAUGHTER]
Come on. It's your turn.
- Man, look at that hat
- Yes.
Sitting on top of your head
Yes.
Looking like a
Come on, finish strong.
- Sad fisherman.
- Ah, damn!
Is that the best you got?
- LL Fool J.
- I said that!
Dude, somebody has gotta
teach you how to roast.
Oh, I can roast. Huh.
- I'll roast you like a pot roast.
- What?
- Why?
- I will throw my drink
in your face if you do that again.
- I'm dead.
- It's
So I asked you to come by
because I was thinking about
our interaction the other day.
And, you know, I saw
that one-star review,
and I was just hoping
that we can, you know,
- move past all this.
- Huh. Move past this how?
I am so happy you asked that, Mia,
because I got you free coffee
- Ah.
- Complimentary donuts.
And if you need anything
printed today, it's on us.
Wow, that is so very
nice of you, Mr. Donuts.
You know, I was actually
on my way to FedEx
to get some copies made,
but I'll do them here.
- It's free.
- Great.
Let me check it out.
Let's see what we got here.
Okay.
What is this?
Oh, they're horror movie
stills for a collage.
Oh.
Oh, right. Yeah, that's right.
[STAMMERING] That's what they are, yeah.
Horror. [CHUCKLES]
That's um that's my favorite genre.
So you must be a real fan too.
That's so cool.
Anyway, I'll get these started for you.
And, uh, I'm just really
happy we could make this work.
It's so nice when people take
full ownership of their mistakes.
[WEAKLY] For sho'. Yeah, for sho'.
- What's this?
- Oh, it's a surprise.
You're not supposed to see those yet.
Is this a list of
roasts for spades night?
Yes. Is it against the rules
to prepare roasts in advance?
They do it all the
time on Comedy Central.
Preparation ain't my issue.
It's these roasts.
"Hey, Dale, your shirt is so white"?
Yeah, and then you guys
say, "How white is it?"
- It's in the script.
- We not reading a script!
And what if he's not
wearing a white shirt?
This is a terrible plan!
Oh, man, you are horrible at roasting.
But I can show you the way.
- Really? You'd do that for me?
- Yes.
I am tired of watching you get tore up.
- Come on, let's get to work.
- Okay.
Age. Boy, you so old
- with your old, ancient ass
- Old ass
- You ran track with Moses.
- Moses.
Hand out straight. Boy!
- Boy.
- Say that. Boy!
- Boy.
- No, don't actually hit me.
- BOTH: Hair.
- Boy, you so damn bald
you can still say it,
even though you bald.
Trust me, I'm bald too. That's
why I wear all these hats.
You ain't got no hair 'cause you bald!
No, that's that's too obvious, man!
Run down my whole outfit.
Man, look at that jacket,
wearing it on your back.
It looks like someone said, "Picasso!"
- Splash, with the paint.
- [SIGHS]
None of my feelings
are hurt. I feel fine.
BOTH: Boy look at yo' shoes!
Boy, look at yo' knees!
Boy, look at yo' stomach!
Boy, look at yo' shoulders!
- Boy, look at yo' head!
- Okay, you're getting it.
Boy, look at yo' shoes.
They look like knockoff
Payless sneakers.
BOTH: Boy, look at yo' knees!
Boy, look at yo' stomach!
Boy, look at yo' shoulders!
Boy, look at yo' head!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, you're getting
it. You're getting it.
Okay.
Clarke got you flowers,
so things must be really
working out with him?
They definitely are.
His sleep-talking is a cheat code.
For the first time, I know exactly
what the person I'm dating wants,
and he loves me for it.
[SINGSONGY] Breakfast in bed.
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
- I love breakfast in bed.
- Yep.
And guess what?
Two tickets to the Magic Castle.
No way. I love magic. How did you know?
Well done. You've turned
his sleep condition into
a perfect relationship.
Kind of.
I mean, he's obviously obsessed with me,
which is every girl's dream.
But he's not nearly as perfect as I am.
What do you mean?
Well, for example, these flowers,
I don't like them.
I like lilies.
Too bad you don't talk in your sleep,
or he'd already know that.
Anthony, you are brilliant.
I have to talk in my sleep
so I get exactly what I want.
I was making an offhanded joke.
I wasn't suggesting that at all.
Too late. I'm already going to do it.
- I must go to bed!
- Good luck with that.
And see, we had a whole conversation,
and you didn't even notice my hat.
Check the text thread.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES AND BUZZES]
Wait.
[LAUGHTER]
Look, aye, Dale and I
haven't lost in weeks.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I hope you're not
a sore loser, Sherm.
Man, the only thing sore about me
is my eyes from looking at yo' ugly ass.
- Oh!
- [LAUGHTER]
Hey, look at Wyatt. Only
thing weaker than his hand
- is his hairline.
- [LAUGHTER]
The only thing weak in here
is that baby chest of yours.
You look like a Slim Jim,
but you need to snap into a gym-gym.
- Oh!
- Okay!
Okay. A'ight.
Wyatt brought his teeth today! Damn!
And I see you still
haven't brushed yours.
I can smell that breath
from way over here.
Smell like booty.
- Oh!
- You Milk Dud head-ass boy.
And this is my house!
- Boom!
- Oh.
Aah!
I just wanted to say thank you so much
for changing your review
on Yelp to five stars.
And we are very happy to provide you
with more violent imagery. [CHUCKLES]
- Thanks, Mr. Donuts.
- [SOFTLY] That's not my name.
You know, I'm doing a blood
and guts booth at m*rder-Con.
It's the largest horror
convention in San Gabriel Valley.
You had me at blood,
but then you went and added the guts.
I love that. Chef's kiss.
All right, so your total is $88.
[LAUGHS] You're funny.
What's funny?
You know what? Yeah.
88 is a goofy, little number.
All round and no edges. [LAUGHS]
So, uh, how do you wanna pay?
I'm not paying.
You said everything was free.
Well, that was a one-time deal.
I wouldn't offer you a lifetime
of free copies, coffee,
and donuts, you know?
And I wouldn't spend
$88 of my own money here.
Are you really rescinding your offer?
I never made that
offer. You misunderstood.
So you're saying I'm stupid?
No, I'm saying your interpretation
of this situation is very silly.
Wow, so you really gonna make me
go back into Yelp and change my review?
I'm sorry, are you really trying
to blackmail me right now?
I bet you don't even like horror.
Of course I don't like horror movies.
Why would anyone intentionally
tap into the emotion of fear?
- You're just too weak.
- And you're just too wack.
[GASPS]
[GROANS]
What are you doing?
This Mia chick is ruining my life.
We told you to stay away,
but you didn't listen
even though you got them big-ass ears.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Whoa!
Ooh, that's new.
He caught the bug.
He's a roastmaster now.
Aye, aye, aye, roast these nuts.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry. It's just so much fun.
I can't believe no one
told me how good this feels.
I'm really happy for you,
Wyatt, but this is serious.
Mia's bombing our Yelp page
with all these fake negative reviews.
It dropped our overall
rating from 4.8 stars
down to 2.5 stars.
This is bad for business.
No one goes to places with 2.5 stars.
That's not true.
I went to a vegan
restaurant with 2.5 stars.
- And how was it?
- Really great,
until I was hospitalized
with food poisoning.
I'll never go back there.
Ah, I see what you're saying now.
So what are you gonna do
next to make her like you?
No, we're past that.
I'm not gonna get her to like me.
I'm gonna get even.
[FEIGNING SNORES]
Fore fore
foreplay.
[TRILLS] I need more foreplay.
Speaking of plays, take me to a play.
Wear the blue shirt.
Not the red one.
You look like Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Hey, Keith, Dale. What's up?
- Ah, what's up, y'all?
- Aye, The Two Stooges.
Ha ha ha, and there's K-Ci
and JoJo's broke cousins.
At least I'm not Wyatt
wearing a shmedium sweatshirt.
Yeah, if you need some new options,
you can borrow my son's clothes.
Ah, okay, well, stop playing,
'cause we all know that
Toby ain't your real son.
- Oh, boy.
- And Dale,
I heard that your wife cheated
on you with your chiropractor.
I guess he's breaking
both y'all's backs.
- Oh, my goodness! No!
- Hey, that's cold, bro.
Shut yo' bitch ass up!
The only thing cold is your house,
seeing as how you just got laid off.
- I guess you can't afford heat.
- No, you can afford heat.
He can afford heat.
Man, you can afford heat.
You look like you pay for all the heat.
Pay for my heat bill.
Oh, hello, Anthony.
Nicky, I see you got
the lilies you wanted.
- Did you
- Tell Clarke exactly what I wanted in his sleep?
Yes, I call it suggestive sleeping.
Suggestive sleeping?
I think it's the future of dating.
It is great.
He got me the flowers that I wanted.
He no longer talks with his mouth full.
He's gonna take me to see
"Six" at the Pantages Theatre.
Ooh, he is the perfect man now,
all because of me.
This all sounds a little
too good to be true.
You might be flying a
little too close to the sun.
And so are you in that hat.
- Let me see that.
- No. No, no.
Good afternoon.
What can I get you today?
Revenge.
- You.
- Hey, Mia.
What do you want?
Just a cup of coffee.
The place I work at serves
'em a little bit too cold.
That is not why you're
here, you son of a bitch!
Me? A son of one bitch?
Oh, my.
You can't talk to your
customers like that.
May I speak to your manager?
I got her ass fired!
Victory! Ha ha!
You got her fired? Don't you
think that's taking things
- a little too far?
- She came for my workspace,
so I came for hers.
Yeah, but you still have a job though.
- And now, she doesn't.
- I know.
It's amazing. I won.
This is not like you.
What happened to my brother
who loves love and loves being loved?
Well, he's on break. You
need me to take a message?
Yeah, don't listen to them.
I'm proud of you, Noah. Scorched-earth.
See? Wyatt gets it.
Wyatt has lost his mind too.
Both of y'all are
spinning out of control.
Man, shut the hell up.
Ain't nobody trying to hear you talk.
- Oh-hoh-hoh.
- You gonna take that?
Sherm's my son. Of
course he gonna take that.
ALL: Ooh!
- Thanks for coming.
- No problem.
So what's going on? It sounded serious.
Oh!
Keith and Dale.
I didn't realize it
was bitch-ass o'clock.
Have a seat, Wyatt.
Okay.
So what's going on? What is this about?
Dale, would you like to start?
Yeah. Well, here's the thing, Wyatt.
At first, you weren't
really a good roaster.
Now, you're just not a good person.
- Huh.
- You've taken it too far.
And it hurts, man.
It's my fault. I unlocked this monster.
And I shouldn't have
because this ain't you.
Oh, yes, it is. I'm a roaster now.
And you are all just a
bunch of pathetic losers.
You don't even mean
the words you're saying.
Oh, yes, I do.
Y'all just can't take the heat
'cause y'all a bunch of chumps.
- No, we're not.
- Yes, you are.
- You're better than this.
- You have bad credit.
I've got great credit!
Th that's a lie!
This can't feel good anymore.
Oh, yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
- Come on.
- [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
Yeah.
[SOBBING] No, it doesn't.
I took it too far. I'm sorry, y'all.
That's a'ight. We here for you.
- We your boys. We your boys.
- It's okay, man.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What are you doing?
- You got me fired.
You didn't think I'd respond?
This isn't the same.
You tanked our Yelp rating,
and I complained to your manager.
This is vandalism.
Dude, why are you taking
my criticism about you
and your bad management
as an att*ck on you?
Because it literally is.
You said, and I quote,
"The worst thing about Copy and Donuts
is Mr. Donuts himself."
That wasn't me that said that.
Okay, it was me that said that.
But where's the lie?
Look.
I'm not a bad person, okay?
[SIGHS]
But you could be a better manager.
Say what?
You could be a better manager
with a few improvements.
Like, if some of the parking
in the back was for customers,
- you'd get way more business.
- Whatever.
And you should replace the donuts
in the middle of the day.
This place would be way more
popular with fresher donuts.
[SCOFFS]
[SIGHS]
O okay, fine.
Do you want a job then?
- What?
- Those were all really good suggestions, okay?
I mean, you're unemployed,
and we need the help.
So do you want the job or what?
So you hired her?
Ooh, the drama continues.
I mean, she was right
about the business.
Also, I was worried that if
I didn't offer her the job,
she would spray-paint
the whole store up.
So she basically blackmailed
herself into a job?
I kind of respect her
for that, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
- What's up, y'all?
- Ugh.
- Enough is enough.
- Let me see that scalp.
- No!
- Ooh, get him! Get him!
- No! Please stop!
- Agh!
- Gosh!
Aah!
[FEIGNING SNORES] I
wanna go on a vacation.
Palm Springs.
[MUTTERING] I want you to spank me
like a baby.
Palm Springs.
Spank me like a little
baby in Palm Springs.
Mm. Mm.
Hey. Are you fake sleeping?
You clearly just responded to me,
so wake up or or open
your eyes or whatever.
Okay, okay, okay.
Look, you were talking in your sleep,
and and it proved
to be very insightful,
so I I figured I'd give it a try too.
Okay, honestly, I didn't
start talking in my sleep
until you were talking in your sleep.
- I did?
- Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Well, that that was my
first time ever fake sleeping.
Oh.
Oh, so so that's how you
knew all the stuff I liked.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
You know what? It it's okay.
You know, maybe now
we can just start being
open and honest with each other, huh?
Okay. I like that.
This? This is good.
This is good.
[BOTH SIGHING]
You wanna spank me like
a baby in Palm Springs?
Yeah, that ain't gonna work. Mm-mm.
No, you gotta go. You gotta get out.
I'm so sorry. God bless.
Well, I'm definitely moving out.
Then I definitely want a divorce.
'Bout to go to bed, bro. You good?
Yeah, I'm good, man. Thanks.
Good night.
Night.
[TV CHATTER CONTINUES]
[EVANESCENCE'S "MY IMMORTAL"]
♪
There's just too much ♪
That time cannot erase ♪
When you cried ♪
I'd wipe away all of your tears ♪
When you'd scream ♪
I'd fight away all of your fears ♪
I held you hand through
all of these years ♪
But you still have ♪
♪
- [BRIGHT TUNE]
- Yeah.
Not a doctor. Shh!