02x19 - Ghost Father of the Bride

[bunniefuu]

Well, as you can see in this brochure,

there are a lot of benefits.

Samantha, we must
speak to you right away.

She is with a guest,

trying to sucker him into
joining something called

the "Woodstone Rewards Program."

If you sign up now,

you can start earning
rewards during this stay.

We found Crash's head.

Hiya, Toots.

Oh, my God!

Are we really offering
double points on weekdays?

Yes, we are.

Is actually very good deal.

♪ ♪

SAMANTHA: Big morning. Not only
did we find Crash's head, but...

guess what, Pete? There's a
new Martino Family newsletter.

- Pete's in here?
- Yeah, he, Sass, Flower,

and Trevor are watching you work.

SASAPPIS: If you're
sensing any awkwardness,

Jay very loudly passed
gas a few minutes ago.

Did they just get in
here? It doesn't matter.

Okay, well, I'm on the edge of my seat.

Let's hear that newsletter.

Okay. Jay, you want to do the honors?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, "Dear family and
friends, big news to announce.

Laura and Brian are getting married."

My daughter's getting married?

- This is amazing.
- Congratulations, Pete.

- (GRUNTS)
- (JAY LAUGHS)

- Ha-ha! Did he high-five me?
- Uh, no.

Your hand actually just
went through Trevor's face.

Oh, I'm sorry, but it
serves you right for trying

to have sex with my sister.

So, what's Pete saying?

Well, I'm excited, obviously.

I mean, from the
newsletters, Brian seems

like a good guy. I just
wish I could be there.

Man, being dead is rough.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. They never
tell you about all the downsides.

Pete's sad that he can't be there.

JAY: Yeah, it does sound nice.

It's a ceremony on the deck

at Carol and Jerry's house.

My old house. I built that deck.

(GASPS) Sam, why don't we see

if they want to have the wedding here?

That's a great idea.

Pete wants us to convince
Laura to have the wedding here

at the mansion so that he can attend.

Well, I love the thought,
but I do see a few challenges.

For one, they already
have something planned.

And two, do we really
think that Laura would want

to get married feet
from where her dad bled out?

It was actually a very clean
wound, very little blood.

Still gave me nightmares
for a few weeks, though.

Sounds like that was hard for you.

What if we offer it to them for free?

We say we're trying to establish
ourselves as a wedding venue,

and we just want
pictures for our website.

Sam, please. This would
mean so much to me.

It's my daughter. I just
want to see her get married.

Okay, I'll try.

- Yes! Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)

Oh, what is that smell?

Oh, did, uh, did Isaac just

walk through one of us? Yeah.

Isaac's not in here, Jay.

My tummy hurts.

CRASH: Oh, yeah,

feels good to be
reunited with the ol' bod.

Everything is copasetic now.

Okay, so continue. Where
did you find Crash's head?

We were in an unfamiliar
part of the woods

when I heard a voice cry out
from within a hollow tree stump,

"Yo, skirt, look over here."

That was me, for any of
yous who were not following.

But how did you come to
be in this tree stump?

Was your head dislodged by
a powerful sneeze, perhaps?

No.

Somebody tossed me in there.

(OTHERS GASP)

But who? Who would do that?

CRASH: See, that's the thing,

I don't know.

(ALL GASP)

I was sitting alone one
night, watching the boob tube,

when all of a sudden,

someone grabbed my head from behind.

I was like, "Hey, what's the big idea?"

I couldn't see who it was,

on account of they had
me by the back of my 'do.

They carried me out to the woods,

and threw me in that tree stump.

That was a year ago.

So this was no accident.

A crime has been committed.

A headnapper is on the loose.

And I will not rest until I
bring him or her to justice.

And I'm gonna help because
Game of Thrones is over,

and Momoa is not in the spinoff.

Everyone in this house is now a suspect.

And until this matter is resolved,

I must insist that no
one leave the property.

We can't leave property.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Okay, Carol, I understand.

Well, call us if you change your mind.

- Sorry, Pete, it's a no-go.
- You just gave up.

What was I supposed to do?

I offered her a free
venue, at-cost catering,

triple Woodstone Rewards
points for their stay.

When stick not work,
is time to try carrot.

TREVOR: I think you have
that backwards, big guy.

Nope. Thor is correct.

First, offer ceremonial stick of peace.

If enemy does not accept,

you s*ab in eye with
frozen carrot. (LAUGHS)

So, you're saying we
should thr*aten Carol

to get the wedding here?

These silences, man. Things escalate

very quickly in these silences.

There is one thing we
could use against Carol.

I've never told anyone this,

so please don't judge me.

(SIGHS) I thought I'd
take this to my grave,

which I guess I sort of did. (LAUGHS)

TREVOR: Just say it, Pete.

PETE: Okay, here goes.

My deepest shame:

The deck they're planning
to get married on,

the one that I built,

it's unpermitted.

That's it?

Pete's saying the deck
he built wasn't permitted.

That doesn't sound like a shortcut

my guy Pete would take.

I know, but it was so
close to grilling season,

and the permit office
was backed up. (GROANS)

I guess I just kind of
went a little kook-a-luka.

Kook-a-luka?

- (MOUTHS): Kook-a-luka?
- PETE: You know, means crazy, haywire.

- It's an expression.
- No, it's not.

Okay, so the deck is unpermitted.

What do we do with
that information, Pete?

We unleash the fury of the
Ulster County zoning board.

These small towns,

we don't have much in
the way of regular crimes.

An unpermitted deck in
Ulster County is like

a triple homicide in San Francisco.

Okay,

then let's report a triple homicide.

Okay, I'm gonna need some
more frequent updates.

This every minute or so,
it's not working for me.

Look, we're gonna anonymously report

Carol and Jerry for the deck,

leaving them suddenly in need
of a last-second wedding venue.

Carol rejects stick,

so now, she suffer carrot.

PETE: Carol and my grandson are here.

The anonymous tip worked.
We got the deck condemned.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry, Carol.

I know exactly who it was.

Jennifer Dobson from down the street.

I ran into her at the cr*cker Barrel,

and she made some remark about

not being invited to the wedding.

I just can't believe she
would do something like this.

Mm, and yet she did.
Obviously, it was her.

Uh, but, you know what,
the important thing is,

your daughter Laura is gonna have

a beautiful wedding here.

All because of an illegal deck. (LAUGHS)

I guess crime does pay.

Ah, it's not a great lesson.

Don't repeat that for the kid.

Where were you on the
night of the incident?

Here in the mansion that I'm
stuck in for all of eternity.

Care to be more specific, tough guy?

Do you have an alibi?

I don't remember. It was a year ago.

Do you guys remember what
you were doing a year ago?

Very interesting. No alibi.

I am not responsible,

which I would think would be obvious.

What do you mean by that?

If I wanted to dispose of Crash's head,

I certainly wouldn't have
tossed it into the woods.

No.

I would have waited for a moonless night

and dropped it into the
inky waters of the old well

on the other side of the property.

If I had done it,

no one would have ever found him.

We've reached a dead end.

Is there anything else you
remember? Anything at all.

Maybe someone you were beefing with?

Someone who may have wanted
to get you out of the way?

That's a big no, daddy-o.
Everybody loves the Crash.

(SIGHS) Come now, you've never
had an issue with anybody?

Sass? Thor? Flower?

Definitely not Flower.

Before I got stumped, we was making it.

Necking like nobody's business.

ISAAC: Necking?

In your condition?
That seems a bit risky.

- It means kissing.
- I... know that.

I wish I could be a bigger help.

So, very interesting.

An illicit affair with Flower.

Who would be enraged by such an affair?

Enraged to the point of skull thievery?

Thor.

Grandma, can I read
my book in the kitchen?

If it's okay with them.

Aw, my scout manual.

Is that Pete's manual
that we found here?

He's obsessed with it.

Better than dr*gs, I guess.

(LAUGHS) Uh, knock
yourself out, little man.

Laura's on a work Zoom.

Women today.

They think they can have it
all, but she's not here, is she?

Mm, sing it, sister.

I'm excited to get into the details

about the wedding, though.

Huh, kind of thought my daughter

would be here to do this with me,

not just the woman who cheated on me

with my best friend, but sure.

- Let's plan a wedding. (CHUCKLES)
- CAROL: For color scheme,

I was thinking orange.

PETE: What? No, it's a,
it's a spring wedding.

Let's go white, let's go periwinkle.

Uh, what about, like,
white and periwinkle?

Really play up the spring wedding theme.

No, Jerry went to Syracuse.
We really love orange.

Luckily, we're not asking Jerry.

Uh, we were just thinking because

we provided the venue for free...

Yeah, we're gonna go with orange.

Okay, whatever, fine. Let's talk music.

So, let's talk music.

In addition to catering,

Jay has also offered to DJ.

(LAUGHS) Please call me DJJ.

DJ Squared is also catching on.

- (IMITATES AIR HORN)
- Wikki-wikki.

(LAUGHTER)

So, any must-haves you
want to hear at the wedding?

- "Dancing Queen."
- Uh, what about "Dancing Queen"?

ABBA's not my cup of tea.

Are you kidding me?

It's a universal call
to the dance floor.

But anything else is fine.

Wow, Pete, if you hadn't pushed it,

they could've slipped it in no problem,

but now it's literally the
only song they can't play.

Cheese and rice.

Okay, look, the only
thing I really care about

is that there are lilies at the wedding.

In terms of flower arrangements...

Yes, we're going with
roses. They're my favorite.

SAMANTHA: I hear you. They're beautiful,

but let me put this
in your ear... lilies.

My cat d*ed from eating a lily.

That is not good for Team Lily.

You know, lilies are actually
a symbol for fertility.

Laura is .

- Right.
- CAROL: And this wedding

is mainly so Little Pete
isn't a bastard anymore.

Technically, he'll always be a bastard.

We're sticking with roses.

Carol could never compromise.

It was the worst part of our marriage.

Worse than her sleeping
with best friend behind back?

Oh, right. Thank you, Thor.

ISAAC: We only have
one question for you,

but it's a doozy.

Did you really think
you'd get away with it?

You think Thor guilty? Why?

Because you were thrown
into a jealous rage

by Flower and Crash's necking,

which, as we all know,
including me, is kissing.

That was a year ago.

Thor and Flower weren't even dating yet.

Exactly. That was your motive,

getting him out of the way.

We've got you dead to rights, Thor.

Make it easy on yourself, confess.

But Thor not do it. Thor
not jealous of Crash.

Flower doesn't even like him.

In fact, she told me that he

starting to bother her and

saying that he was getting all mushy

because he started singing
too many songs of love.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She say that he get clingy,

and you know that she
has commitment issues.

(GASP) So, you're saying
Flower might've had a motive

for getting rid of Crash?

What do you know? This
pretzel has a twist.

All pretzels have twists.

Not pretzel rods, Alberta.

(GASPS)

What were you doing out there?

I'm trying my darndest to give
my daughter her dream wedding,

and you're laying a goose
egg on the scoreboard.

Pete feels like Carol's
steamrolling us on everything.

Yeah, she's scary.

The woman rolls her own cigarettes.

She's like an ice road trucker.

I'm sorry, Pete, you
must be so frustrated.

Oh, I'm well beyond frustrated.
I'm darn near P.O.'d.

Oh, man, when Pete starts
abbreviating almost bad words,

you know he's upset.

Everything else I'm fine with.

I just need these lilies.

Why are lilies so important to you?

Not to me,

to my daughter.

All right.

Are you ready for Daddy
to walk you down the aisle,

to begin your life with Mr. Snuggles?

Wait, Daddy, I need my flowers.

Of course, your bouquet.

How could I forget?

Thank you, Daddy.

These are the most
beautiful flowers ever.

CAROL: Pete, did you call the
permit office about that deck?

I'll get to it! I'm doing something!

Sorry.

That's a beautiful story, Pete.

And I'm sure it would
mean a lot to Carol,

coming from you, but unfortunately

she can't hear it from you.

What if she could?

SAMANTHA: What do you mean?

Well, you know how Pete wrote

a bunch of notes down in this book?

What if one of them just happened to say

that his favorite flowers were lilies?

Oh, I don't think that's in there.

(LAUGHS) Not yet.

Oh.

Okay, normally I'd be
opposed to this kind of fraud,

but I recently learned
that crime does pay,

so let's do it.

So, after Thor revealed you had a motive

for getting rid of Crash,

we have a culprit.

Oh, my God, who? This is so exciting.

You, Flower. It was you.

Wait, what did I do?

You hid Crash's head.

You and Crash were in
an intimate relationship,

but then he started bugging you.

The crooning, the poems,

the constant necking.
It all became too much,

so you dumped his head in the woods.

He got too attached,
so you unattached him.

On the night in question,

you snuck up behind him while he
was watching The Price Is Right,

and you snatched his head.

Okay, fine.

I did it. I hid Crash's head.

Yes, you did. (LAUGHS)

But, more importantly,

we figured it out.

The cr*ck investigative team
of Higgintoot and Haynes.

Pony and Bangs.

(GASPS) Alberta, I love that.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, because of your hairstyles.

CAROL: "And that's why GoBots

- are superior to Transformers."
- Mm-hmm.

"Now, when it comes to
flowers, nothing beats a lily."

He wrote it right there in the margin.

It all makes sense now.

That is why I had
lilies stuck in my head.

I must have read it in
Pete's old scout manual and

- somehow internalized it.
- Okay.

I guess that would be a
nice way to honor Pete.

"And also 'Dancing Queen'
is a great number to bop to."

Add that when she's not looking.

You guys talking my wedding?

- JAY: Look who it is.
- SAMANTHA: Laura, hey.

PETE: Ah, my little pumpkin,

who's older than me.

That's kind of messing with my head.

We were discussing flowers.

Did you know that your dad loved lilies?

No. I don't remember him
ever mentioning lilies.

And that's kind of
messing with my heart.

Really? No special
memories related to lilies?

No. Why do you think he liked lilies?

Because he wrote it in
his book, right here.

No.

Grandpa didn't write that. That's new.

k*ll small child. Silence him.

(LAUGHS) Your grandpa
did write that, buddy.

No, it's new.

He's read this book a thousand times.

Sounds like Little
Pete needs some friends.

And that writing does look...

a little different from this writing.

Wait a minute,

did you psychos forge this?

What's happening?

She was obsessed with lilies
for her website pictures.

Then, all of a sudden,

they found this thing in your dad's book

about him loving lilies.

Sam, fix this.

No, no, that is...
it's just a coincidence.

I don't think we should
do your wedding here.

What? No.

Yeah, this all feels a little too weird.

Come on, Laura, help
me pack up my stuff.

Wait, please don't leave.

If you leave now, you're gonna forfeit

all of your Woodstone Rewards Points.

You were one night away from
a free pancake breakfast.

SAMANTHA: Come on, Pete,
don't b*at yourself up.

No, it's my own fault. I went too far.

And now I won't even see
my daughter get married.

And the worst part is,

she doesn't even remember
the stupid lilies.

One of my most cherished memories,

and it means nothing to her.

Okay, well, we're leaving.

Thank you for a very weird time.

We're taking you off
the family newsletter.

(GASPS) No!

Even Thor upset about that.

Was excited to hear how

Cousin Debbie's trip to
Spain went. (CHUCKLES)

She is most adventurous cousin.

SAMANTHA: I just, I feel so
bad about this whole situation.

You're right.

I got obsessed with having
lilies in the photos,

and I should've cared more
about what you guys wanted.

You defaced a family heirloom.

I guess I just... I... I
went a little kook-a-luka.

I don't know how else to say it.

What did you say?

I went nuts,

and I'm sure you guys
never want to see us again.

LAURA: No, that word.

Kook-a-luka. Why do you know that word?

I... don't know.

It just popped into my head. Why?

The only other person I've ever
heard say that word is my dad.

CAROL: Did you read that
in Pete's book or something?

That word's not in there, Grandma,

and I would know
because I have every word

of that book memorized.

- (LAUGHS)
- TREVOR: Seriously,

somebody get this kid a
basketball or something.

(GRUNTS)

I want to have the wedding here.

CAROL: Wait, what?

(SIGHS) I don't know.
I can't explain it, but

I feel Dad's presence here.

I felt it the first
time we came last year,

and now, hearing that word,

I don't know, I feel it now.

I'm right here, Pumpkin.

LAURA: I want him to be
with me at my wedding,

just like when he married
me off to Mr. Snuggles

and gave me those orchids.

(LAUGHS)

Right.

Orchids. (LAUGHS) My bad.

Seriously?

What? I had a senior moment.

Technically, I'm .

(SIGHS) Well, that is one interrogation

Flower won't soon forget.

You think?

No, she probably will.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ah, well...

until next time, Bangs.

Oh, uh, just one more thing, Pony.

You said Crash was
watching The Price Is Right

when his head was stolen.

And?

And... (LAUGHS)

Crash didn't tell us that.

The only way you'd know what
he was watching is if you

were the one who grabbed
Crash's greasy mop

and threw it in the woods.

Oh, well... well, you see,

- there is actually a very simple explanation...
- There is.

It was you all along, Isaac.

The only thing I can't
figure out is why.

- I was very bored.
- (GASPS)

I-I thought a mystery could

spice things up, so...

yes,

I tossed Crash's head into the woods.

I thought solving the
crime could be a diversion,

something to help while away eternity.

But why did you let
it go on for so long?

That boy was stuck in
a tree stump for a year.

There were several blizzards.

Well, admittedly, that
wasn't my intention.

The truth is, I sort of just... forgot.

- (GASPS)
- I know.

Shortly after I stashed Crash's head,

things started developing
with Nigel, and then there was

a lot of hubbub around
the B and B opening up,

and plus the new season
of Bake Off came out.

Oh, Isaac.

I know. I'm not proud of it,

but at least one good
thing did come of this.

When was the last time the two of us

spent this kind of time together?

It was fun to be on the case with you.

And why the hell did Flower confess?

I don't know, but that was great.

Maybe we could do this again sometime.

I'd like that.

Although waiting around

for an actual crime could prove tedious.

We could lock a basement
ghost in the vault,

and then find them in a few days.

I like the way you think.

Thank you again for hosting the wedding.

Our pleasure, Jerry.

I'm just pleased we were able to step in

after the whole incident
with Pete's unpermitted deck.

Which was obviously called
in by a bitter neighbor.

It's okay. I'm gonna build
Carol an even bigger deck.

THOR (LAUGHS): Yes,

Jerry will give Carol the big
deck that Pete never could.

- Ooh.
- Oh, look at Little Pete.

Your grandson's such a cutie. Agreed.

He is an adorable little bastard.

Where are the bridesmaids?
This wedding sucks.

What is taking so long? Where is Laura?

Did she get cold feet?

HETTY: Peter, relax,

she's been with this man for ten years,

and they have a child together.

The point is, no one else wants her.

(GASPS) There she is.

Oh, Pete, she looks so beautiful.

I can't believe it.

My little girl's getting married.

ALBERTA: Pete, you go walk
your girl down the aisle.

Ow, ow!

Worth it. (SNIFFLES) Ow! I-I'm okay.

Ooh. (SIGHS)

You know, when I was in the stump,

I thought about you all the time.

Uh... okay.

I even wrote a song for you.

You want to hear it?

I'm kind of watching something.

♪ Feeling cold, shooby doo wop, wop ♪

♪ In the tree, shooby doo wop ♪

♪ I thought about you, shooby doo wop ♪

♪ Being with me ♪

♪ Oh. ♪

Hey!

(SIGHS)