Ah, Heidelberg!
Oh, Sergeant!
Which is the quickest way
to Heidelberg, please?
- Uh, head down this street for four blocks.
- Uh-huh.
You turn right. You go straight ahead
until you hit the autobahn.
There are signs all the way.
You can't miss it.
Thank you, Sergeant.
What have you decided?
We don't know.
I know. Drive.
"Captain Henri Rochard,
French Economic Mission. "
- Hey, Joe, we'll need you as interpreter.
- Never mind, Sergeant.
- We'll get along all right.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Whom did you wish to see?
The, uh, "O.I.C., A.M.G., W.A.C."
Ah. First floor.
Turn to your right.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Hmm. w*r Administration
Industrial Relations...
Coordinator's Office.
Service of Supply Displaced Persons
Property Disposal Department.
Uh, Labor Administration
Department...
Inter... Inter...
I beg your pardon. I'm looking
for Lieutenant Gates's office.
- Well, this isn't it.
- Isn't it?
- Right over there, Captain.
- Thank you.
Yes, sir. Yes, Colonel.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes...
Oh, it's you.
What do you want?
Mm-hmm. One nightshirt. Gown.
What do you call this thing? Gown.
- Henri!
- One pair of bloomers...
- two pairs of stockings... and a run in one of them, I believe.
- Henri, please!
Just a moment.
And one slip.
I think that's all. I'm sorry
I couldn't get them to you any sooner.
Good-bye, Lieutenant Gates.
Oh, what a stinker you are.
- Did I forget something?
- What a dirty stinker.
And you're going right back
and explain...
how you got my laundry by mistake
in Dsseldorf and forgot to give it back.
Well, that's such a dull story.
Who would care?
- You know what you made them think.
- I don't quite understand...
Oh, no! You mean, you and me?
Why, I'd be glad to explain to them.
The very idea of any connection is revolting.
- Oh, no, you don't. Never mind. Just...
- I'd be delighted.
I'd explain to them
I think you're repulsive.
Shh! I said never mind.
Just forget it!
Go away. You've had your joke.
Now b*at it.
Sorry, I can't oblige.
I'm here on official business.
- Oh, don't tell me. Another mission?
- Yes.
- But don't get your hopes up. You're not going with me.
- Thank heavens.
- Who's your victim this time?
- My interpreter and aide is a Lieutenant Eloise Billings...
- whom I'm reliably informed is intelligent...
- Yes.
- Pretty...
- Yes.
And, as you Americans say, stacked.
That she is.
You haven't met her?
No. But that happy event's going to take
place in Major Prendergast's office...
in exactly, uh, 30 seconds.
Good-bye again to you,
Lieutenant Gates.
- Where are you going?
- Major Prendergast's office.
- There's nothing for you to do.
- Isn't there?
- Wait. If you...
- I'm in a hurry.
- Hello, Eloise.
- Hi, honey.
May I present Captain Rochard, Lieutenant
Billings. You two are going to work together.
- Enchanted, Lieutenant Billings.
- How do you do, Captain? I was just...
I believe we have
a mutual friend, Alex Brissac.
- How nice.
- Why, sure. I remember him.
Lieutenant, due to the fact that I was on
previous missions with Captain Rochard...
he just returned some of my things...
perhaps I can be of some help to you.
Thank you. I can explain things to Lieutenant
Billings. Don't you have somewhere to go?
- Oh, no. I'm free until 2:30.
- Well, about this here mission...
It's a simple matter.
It's an overnight job.
We have to go to Bad Nauheim,
a pleasant little village, and...
- Or it will be till you get there.
- Oh.
Well, I can explain the whole thing
better to you when we're alone.
Better wear side arms, Lieutenant.
He uses maps instead of etchings.
Captain Rochard, I've so looked forward
to going to Bad Nauheim.
Billings, the French army shoe is
built on slightly different lines. It...
- Ooh.
- Hold the foot, would you, Junior?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- As you can see by Captain Rochard's foot and my thigh.
- For goodness sakes!
- That was purely accidental.
- The mark on my chin... May I have my foot?
- Mmm.
Thank you. The mark
under my chin was an accident.
- My fault entirely. I tripped while he was chasing me.
- Chasing you?
- Will you shut up?
- There. You see?
Something I would never have mentioned
if he hadn't shown it. His temper.
But the poor man's probably not to blame.
More like a form of epilepsy.
- Will you shut up!
- I tell you this...
Will you shh... shh...
Henri, I'm talking.
Yes, you are.
I tell you this because we're members
of the same army and the same sex.
I think it only fair to warn you Jack the Ripper's
up that alley before you head into it.
In case anything happens, would you like to
give me your mother's name and address?
- But, honey, that's what I've been tryin' to tell you.
- Oh?
- I'm not goin' on this here mission.
- Tell me...
- You're not?
- I'm goin' to Frankfurt with Colonel Bliven on that D.P. Job.
- But who...
- And you're goin' with him.
- Tell me, who is Jack the...
- Oh.
Honey, maybe you'd better leave me
your mother's little old name and address.
- Oh, hello, Captain Rochard.
- Good morning, Major.
I was just going to send for you, Gates.
Come in, please. You too, Captain.
This shouldn't take long, Captain. Gates,
Billings is needed on another assignment.
- You'll have to take her place along with Captain Rochard.
- Thank you, no.
But, Major, if I may suggest, Lieutenant Perry
is almost finished with her assignment.
No. No experience. And Captain Rochard
wants our best, don't you, Captain?
Well, uh, Major. You see,
this is not an important mission.
My government's request for an officer
is only a technicality, so that...
Your orders call for our full cooperation.
It's my job to see you get it.
Now, here's your identity card, security pass
and temporary ration card.
- Thank you.
- Your orders are being cut, Gates.
- Captain Rochard will brief you on the mission.
- Yes, Major.
Well, Major, this Lieutenant
What's-her-name... Perry, she ought to do.
Oh, you're very kind, Captain,
but we're used to being shorthanded.
Besides, if I remember, you've had several
assignments with Lieutenant Gates before...
and very successfully, apparently.
It says here, "Recovered art treasures stolen
by the Nazis from the Lille Museum.
"Also located hidden documents
relating to rocket research.
Received Legion of Merit. "
- Ah, she's your man, all right.
- Wish she were.
- What was that you said, Captain?
- Oh, nothing, Major.
- Is there anything else I can do for you?
- No, thank you, Major.
- You've done more than you realize.
- Good luck then.
- Good-bye, Major.
- Good-bye.
- Captain, Jack the Ripper was a famous...
- Thank you.
Oh.
Thank you, Captain.
I wonder what the army would do
if I deserted.
They'd sh**t you.
The thought makes my mouth water.
- I'd almost prefer it myself.
- Which way do we go?
Well, let's get the briefing over.
What's the job?
- You don't need to know.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
What's the job?
To keep your mouth shut and do as I tell you.
I would like to know the details
of my assignment in order to know...
what equipment to draw
from the quartermaster.
- See if they have a spare head.
- And I may as well warn you, bubble mouth...
I'm going to carry a revolver
and a trench Kn*fe...
and if you so much as lay
a finger on me this trip...
you're going back to France
minus a lot of parts you probably value.
There you go again, you blistering idiot.
I didn't touch you!
Oh, I'm sorry, Henri, but we're stuck.
We've got to be together for a while...
so why not make the best of it?
- There is no best.
- Well, I'll go crazy if you...
We turn here. I'll go crazy if you keep losing
that maniac temper every ten minutes.
Aw, Henri, let's grow up. I'm sorry
about what happened in the wine cellar.
I have no temper. No one ever
accused me of having a temper!
- They didn't, eh?
- No!
Do you remember what you were
doing the last time I saw you?
You were chasing me down the Hermann
Goring Strasse in Dsseldorf...
swearing you were gonna
tear my head off and make me eat it!
And what color was I? I was blue.
A lovely, robin's egg blue...
- You looked so funny!
- On account of having been pushed into a vat of dye by you!
- I didn't know it was dye. I thought it was water.
- Water.
Blue! All over. Blue.
It's your own fault anyway...
drinking all that free wine and turning
into an octopus with hands.
You misunderstood. You flatter yourself.
I was only trying to be friendly.
Oh, I'm sorry I misunderstood.
Well, let's forget it. It's all over with,
and the dye's come off.
- No, it hasn't!
- It hasn't?
- No!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh. That's all right. There's a certain
advantage in being an oddity.
- In here, Henri.
- Oh.
- Hello, Jack.
- Hello, Catherine. What's so funny?
A little bit difficult to describe.
Oh, Henri, this is Captain Ramsey.
Captain Rochard.
- How do you do?
- Of the French Economic Mission.
Oh!
- Hiya.
- Hiya.
- Have you some orders for me, Jack?
- All ready. Oh, Burns?
You know, Cathy, this means
no dance for me Saturday night.
Don't be silly.
You can take Kitty.
I'd rather sit alone in my room and
think of you. Wouldn't you, Captain?
Uh-huh. Alone in my room.
- Better take good care of her.
- I'll watch her every moment.
- Oh, that's fine.
- Well, we'd better be getting on.
- Bye, Jack.
- How about dinner the night you get back?
- Okay. It's a deal.
- Swell.
See you in church.
- Uh, sure. So long.
- So long.
Hmmm. That, uh, linguist in there...
I think he's stuck on you.
What's the matter with him?
- It's only natural that you wouldn't understand, Henri.
- It certainly is.
You see, you chase after anything in skirts.
Anything. They're all the same to you.
But lots of men can tell them apart.
Believe me, sometimes they find one they like
better than the others. That's called love.
You probably haven't experienced it, but
you must have read about it somewhere.
- Where are we going?
- We... I go that way. I have to get my stuff.
- Which way do I go? I have to pay off my cab.
- I'll meet you at the motor pool.
- When?
- Twenty minutes.
Before you go, why did you say
I run after everything in skirts?
- I didn't.
- You did.
- I said "anything. "
- Oh, that's different then.
American women.
You know, I'm just beginning to get it.
- For weeks you've been talking as if he had yellow jaundice.
- He did.
And now you're grinning like a Cheshire cat
because a job means being with him for three days.
- You can do a lot in three days.
- If you work at it.
What about the dye?
Is it worn off, or is he still blue?
He's still just mad,
but he's a lot of fun to fight with.
- Bring that stuff, will ya?
- Sure.
Are you, uh, ready, Captain?
Quite ready, Lieutenant.
- Morning, Sergeant.
- Oh. Morning, Lieutenant.
Need transportation.
Going to Bad Nauheim.
Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you're
all out of luck, Lieutenant.
- We'll settle for a jeep.
- All we got available are motorcycles and sidecars.
- Oh, come on, Sergeant!
- Did you look at your travel orders, Lieutenant?
- What about those cars?
- You got priority four, Captain, and that's bottom.
- Well, Captain, what do we do?
- We'll have to take a motorcycle.
- Are you checked out on motorcycles, Captain?
- I can drive one.
If you ain't checked out, you can't,
and I can't check you out.
- I have a motorcycle license.
- Well, sir, I guess that fixes you up.
- We'll wait for a car, Sergeant.
- Oh, I can drive one.
- I'm sure.
- But I tell you I'm good on a motorcycle!
My brother had one.
We used to go hill climbing.
- I can even ride one standing up.
- What for?
Oh, all right. But I can still ride
a motorcycle. Or are you afraid?
We'll take it, Sergeant.
And I am afraid.
- Any one of these, Sergeant?
- Sure, Lieutenant. Take your pick.
Remember, Captain, she has to drive it.
That's regulations.
Thank you.
Sergeant, can you dig up a helmet
and a pair of goggles?
- Should be some in the toolbox, Lieutenant.
- Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
What are you laughing about?
Begging your pardon, Lieutenant, how do you
intend to ride that thing? Sidesaddle?
No, Captain.
Begging your pardon, astride.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
How far is it to Bad Nauheim?
About 120 kilometers.
Do you know the way?
- I've got a map.
- Of Germany?
Yes, Captain.
That's right. Of Germany.
Amazing.
Stop that. You'll be all right.
Hey, Lieutenant!
You forgot something!
Never mind. Just let her go!
I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
I took it off for oiling.
- I forgot to hook it up.
- That's all right.
You'd better take this one, Lieutenant.
It's all in one piece.
- It would be better. Don't you agree, Captain?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- Yes. I don't know.
You know how silly you look
just sitting there?
Well, is it still so funny?
No. I was just thinking.
I was thinking how nice it would be if
this one came off while we were driving.
Oh, Henri. I dropped my lipstick.
- It rolled over there.
- Get it, will ya?
Well, it's a pleasure to get out
of this portable bathtub.
- I can't reach it. It's gone over there, you see?
- Well, climb over the top.
Hey!
Hey! Let me down!
Let me down!
Henri, what are you
doing up there?
- What's the deal, Lieutenant?
- The area's sealed off from here to Battenberg, Lieutenant.
- What for?
- Rounding up a g*ng of black market dealers.
- I have a pass.
- I'm sorry. It's no good, Lieutenant.
- And I've got a general pass.
- Keep it, Captain. All passes are suspended.
- For how long?
- Oh, eight to 12 hours anyway. Maybe 24.
I'm sorry.
- Well?
- I might have known.
Well, don't blame me.
It's not my fault. What'll we do?
I can't wait here for 24 hours. I've got to be in
Bad Nauheim by 3:00 tomorrow afternoon.
If this thing had wings, we could...
- Say, what's wrong with that?
- Hmm? What's wrong with what?
- That boat.
- I don't know. It should say "U.S. Navy" on it, shouldn't it?
Oh. I mean what's wrong with putting the
motorcycle on the boat and rowing past Battenberg?
It's only a few miles,
and we can pick up the road from there.
- Do you think they'd let us?
- Well, we can try.
Hey, Lieutenant. Is it okay if we take
that boat and row down past Battenberg?
So long as you don't row on the road,
it's none of my business.
- Good. Can we have a couple of your boys to help us?
- Sure thing.
- Thanks.
- Sergeant Christien, could you bring some men over here?
Watch your feet.
Better put it in gear, Corporal.
Thanks, fellows.
Lieutenant, will you tell the O.I. C...
that we'll either return the boat
or teletype him where to pick it up?
- Sure thing.
- Will you please help us to shove off?
- Good luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Have a nice trip.
- Thanks.
- Thank you. Grab an oar.
- Who, me?
Yes, you. An oar. Go on.
Now, pull. Pull!
Right. Pull.
- What's that ahead?
- It's a bridge.
- Not on the map though.
- Well, where are we?
A couple of more miles should do it.
- Ah.
- What's that?
- What's what?
- That noise.
- Sounds like a C-47.
- Oh, it's bigger than that. Must be a C-54.
Must be an awful lot of C-47 s.
C-54s.
Well, whatever kind of airplanes
they are, they make a lot of noise.
It doesn't sound like...
Henri, pull for shore, quick!
- Why?
- Don't argue, please. Just pull!
Oh, now let me tell you something,
Lieutenant Gates...
I'm going straight down this river.
You sure are. But you're going
over a waterfall first.
Oh, well, that's different. I'm...
Oh!
Ooh!
Oh, Henri, stop playing ostrich.
Come, help hold this!
Hold on.
- Now let's try to pull ourselves free.
- All right.
- Come on, Henri. Pull. Pull hard.
- I'm pulling.
Now we're getting it.
- Now row.
- I'm rowing.
Come on, Henri, pull!
- Come on. Row hard, Henri.
- I am!
- Now turn it around.
- I'll turn it.
- Oh, boy!
- Oh! You're so clumsy.
Have you got it?
A little bit more.
Henri, that's awfully wet ground
you're sitting on.
Well, at the moment
I can't feel anything anyway.
But when I do, I think
I'm going to kick you bowlegged.
For what?
For saving your life?
Oh, yes, that's right.
You did catch that rope, didn't you?
Yes. I did.
- Convenient, wasn't it?
- Oh, they always are.
Well, I suppose I owe you
something for that.
Okay. I'll call it square if you'll tell me
what we're going to do in Bad Nauheim.
- Oh.
- Come on, Henri.
Well, there's a man in Bad Nauheim
who grinds lenses. Good ones too.
- His name is... What's the matter?
- Charley horse.
Well, roll over.
I can fix that. I'm...
- Oh, no. Never mind. Go ahead with the story.
- His name is Schindler.
- Schindler, a lens grinder.
- That's right. My job is to persuade him...
that we're willing to pay more for his lenses
than he can get in the German black market.
- Ooh, that's sore.
- Well, do as I tell you. Roll over.
- Come on. I'm good at that. Come on.
- Oh, all right.
I'll fix it. I can help you.
- What's our problem?
- No problem at all.
A few well-chosen words, a contract,
a passport in his hand. Then we can go home.
That's the whole plot.
Simple, isn't it?
In that case, I don't see why
they assigned me to this mission.
They probably didn't want
to make it too easy.
- How is it?
- What?
- My leg.
- Not bad. Better than I remembered.
- Perhaps the other one needs...
- Oh, no. Never mind. That'll do it.
Thank you.
Help me up.
I was just trying to be friendly.
But you never try to be friendly
from a distance.
Henri. Henri, one move, and this time
it won't be a vat of dye. It'll be the river.
- You wouldn't.
- Yes, I would.
I think you would.
Catherine, your lack
of cooperation is amazing.
I'll cooperate by getting the map
and finding out where we are.
Who put us on the river
in the first place? =
I knew you were going to say that.
You're tiresome.
You're subnormal. I don't propose
to argue with you any further.
Oh, dear. That darn road doesn't
come within ten kilometers of here.
What? Across open country
in that thing?
Oh, it'll just be a little bumpy.
Only for a couple of hours.
- We'll make it by 3:00.
- Ha. We won't get there before dark, if we get there at all.
This motorcycle will go anywhere.
If you'll get your pants off that grass...
and help me get it out of the boat,
we'll be on the road in no time.
Pitch dark.
Henri, we're lost. Absolutely lost.
- Is there a difference?
- Oh, haven't you got a bump of direction?
That's the only kind I haven't got.
Well, come on. You drive this thing.
My back hurts. Oh!
You're the one who checked out on the
motorcycle. You know what the sergeant said.
- Oh, stop being so cute.
I hate you when you're...
What's that? Listen.
Oh! We must have been driving alongside
that road for the last hour!
- Perhaps they just moved it there.
- Oh, shut up.
Henri, there's a sign back there.
See what it says.
- I don't suppose you have a flashlight.
- No, I haven't.
- What does it say?
- I can't see.
Well, climb up, silly.
You'd better hurry up.
It's starting to rain.
- What does it say? =
- Well, I can't tell. It's in German.
Well, move your arm.
Oh. You can
come down now, Henri.
- What did it say?
- Never mind. Get in.
- But what did it say?
- "Wet paint. "
Well, how many miles?
Oh, no, Henri.
No, you don't.
You'll get awful wet if you stay out here.
Come on. Get in the sidecar.
- I know it. I know it.
- Hurry up.
All right, Henri.
We're in Bad Nauheim.
- You can come out now.
- You sure?
Yes. I'm sure. And bring my bag.
What are you talking about?
He wanted to know
if we wanted one room or two.
- You told him?
- I told him.
What's the matter?
My back. I think it's broken,
and it's all your fault.
- My fault?
- Yes. If you'd pushed that cow out of the way...
we wouldn't have had to take
the detour that landed us in the brook.
- It was a bull!
- Cow.
You told me yourself you couldn't tell
the difference at 20 yards away.
I know. But if you can't tell the difference
at 20 yards, it couldn't be a bull.
- He would have had horns.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Who is it?
- Cinderella.
- What do you want?
- My slipper.
Well, open the door.
- Well, what do you want?
- You just said that. How's your back?
Oh, it's awful. It hurts.
Get into bed.
I will not get into bed.
What do you think you're doing?
- And what's all that stuff you've got there?
- I've brought you a drink.
Oh, I thought so. I knew
you'd get up to your old tricks.
And also some liniment
to rub your back. Get into bed.
Oh.
We'll need some water.
Take your shirt off too.
I am not going to
take my shirt off.
Well, how am I going to
rub your back through your shirt?
You're not going to rub my back through
anything, including my own foolishness.
Here. Drink this.
- Want some water?
- No. It's good.
Hmm.
My back!
Do you want it rubbed or not?
Is that stuff any good?
Turn over.
Wait a minute!
Go on. All right.
Ow! Oh. Ooh!
Stop bawling. I don't want them
to think we've smuggled a cow in here.
- Well, it stings.
- That's what it's supposed to do.
- Oh.
- Let it soak in for a while.
Now, relax.
Oh! You're dislocating everything!
- Oh, relax.
- I hurt further up.
Well, how can I get you
to relax if you won't cooperate?
- You heard what I said. I hurt further up.
- Oh.
Mmm. That's better.
Makes me feel sleepy.
Good.
Oh, that's nice, Henri.
You know, I'm sorry. I thought when you came
in here you were behaving like a stinker.
But you've been a stinker
for so long I just...
I know. I know.
Go to sleep.
- What? With you in the room?
- Well, I can't rub you from the hallway.
If I go to sleep, will you promise
to get right out of here?
- I'll go now.
- Oh, no. It feels good.
Now go to sleep,
and I'll be gone in a minute.
Henri, about this mission.
- Never mind.
- Well, I just want to ask a question.
- All right. What?
- Is this mission we're on so important?
No. Not particularly. But it is to me,
because it's my last assignment for the army.
I'm getting out next week.
Oh. I didn't know that.
- Then it is important, isn't it? =
- Mm-hmm.
Henri, you know I...
Oh, I'm so sleepy.
Good night.
Oh, she'll never believe me.
- What happened? What happened?
- Shh! You unspeakable weasel.
I knew you'd be up to your old tricks
the minute my back was turned.
- That's ridiculous.
- Get out of here.
- I can't get out.
- I said get out!
- I can't get out.
- Shh. Why not?
- Because the door handle came off.
- What an excuse!
- Even you could think of a better one!
- The handle came off...
- I don't believe you.
- You just try to open the door.
- All right! I will.
- Open the door!
Try to open the door.
L... How did you do that?
Oh, you liar. You dirty...
B- B-But...
You're worse than I thought.
Put on your shoes and get out of here!
- I tell you...
- Don't speak to me! Don't speak to me.
You understand?
Don't speak to me again. Ever!
Mmm.
I don't want to talk to you.
Don't speak to me.
L...
Stop banging on that door!
- You can't come in!
- I'm in!
- Magic.
- I told you not to speak to me, and...
Someone's out there.
Good. Perhaps they'll let me out.
Who is it?
Fraulein, it's me.
The innkeeper's wife.
Henri, we gotta do something. You...
- I know. Get out that window.
- Who, me?
Go on, Henri. You can't
be found in here. Don't argue.
- Oh! American women!
- Go on.
What the...
Oh, sh**t.
Come in.
The Klinke... The door handle came off.
It happened before once in the night.
I put it back.
I'm very sorry it happened.
Climbing in
the nice young lady's room! Out here!
- No, no, no!
- Out here!
Henri!
Come in.
Oh, excuse me.
I was looking for Captain Ro...
Oh, Henri! No!
What do you want?
You look like an organ grinder.
- What was that?
- The innkeeper. I borrowed his clothes.
Why?
I came here to Bad Nauheim
to find Herr Schindler.
So I'm gonna make the rounds
of the black market hangouts...
and see if I can get
some information about him.
If I'm in uniform, no one's gonna
tell me anything. Is that reasonable?
- Yes.
- See you later.
- Don't you want me to help you?
- No.
Oh, now, Henri.
I'm sorry about the door handle. I was wrong.
You were telling the truth. I'm really sorry.
Nice of you to apologize.
That fixes everything.
- Well, what more can I do?
- I often wonder.
Oh, Henri. Stop being like that.
You're behaving like a little boy.
- I know it.
- But you said it was important. I just want to help.
- Never mind.
- Is it all right if I go on my own and try to find Schindler?
- Shh!
- Well, maybe I could do something.
- Don't do anything.
- Oh, you make me so mad. You don't want me to help.
That's right. Don't do anything. If you see me,
don't speak to me. You don't know me.
- Why not?
- Because you're an American officer in uniform.
If I'm seen talking to you,
they'll think I'm a stool pigeon.
- I don't see why I can't go out...
- Please. Just take orders.
- Now remember. You don't know me.
- I don't know you.
- You can't speak to me.
- Okay. I can't speak to you.
- You can't even see me.
- I never could. Not for sour apples.
- Oh!
- Oh, you stubborn...
He makes me so mad I could...
Hey, Catherine.
Catherine Gates!
Jowitt! Hello. How are you?
It's good to see you.
- What are you doing in Bad Nauheim?
- I'm here on a mission.
- What sort?
- Well, I'll tell you about it. Can we get breakfast here?
- I know where we can get some real coffee.
- Where is it?
- Come on. Gonna be here long?
- Oh, just for a couple of days.
Fine.
Here we are. Bill Trumble,
Catherine Gates.
- Hello. How are you?
- Glad to meet you, Lieutenant. Won't you sit down?
- Thanks.
- Catherine just got in town this morning.
- Good morning. Do you want
anything besides coffee?
- Oh, jam, rolls. Anything you have.
- Make it for two.
How long are you going to be here?
- Just a couple of days.
- You haven't told me what you're doing here.
Well, it's not much
of a story. Just...
- Say, isn't that the fellow I saw you talking to at the inn?
- Yes. That's him.
Well, he's going into the wrong place.
That's a black market hangout.
Bill has a friend in the M.P.s.
The German police are gonna raid
that place this morning.
You mean the place
he just went into?
Mm-hmm. That's why
we came here for breakfast.
Get a floor show thrown in free.
Well, you couldn't have chosen a better spot.
Here they are now.
Watch them operate.
Hey, Sergeant,
will you come and help me? =
Constable! Halt, halt!
There's someone who can identify me.
She's an officer in the United States Army.
Come with me here. Catherine.
Catherine, tell these men who I am.
Identify me. Please tell them something.
- Is something wrong, Officer?
- If you please, Lieutenant.
He says he is French officer
and you know him.
I never saw him before in my life.
- That's what I thought!
- You shouldn't have done this to me, Catherine!
I'll get even! I'll get even!
I'll get even, traitor! I'll get even!
- Catherine, what is going on here?
- I'll tell you later.
Look. By any chance could you fellows help me
find a German lens grinder named Schindler?
- Sure.
- We ought to be able to help you on that.
- Think so?
- Mm-hmm.
- Is this the man?
- Yes. That's Captain Rochard.
- Good morning, Henri.
- I trust the captain will understand.
There was nothing else we could do.
No identity card. It was not really our fault.
Don't worry. I'm entirely
aware whose fault it was.
Henri, I did exactly as you told me.
Well, thank you, Captain.
Thank you.
- One question. Why have you no beds in this jail?
- Didn't you have a bed, Henri?
Well, you see, Captain, when we had beds,
everyone wished to be arrested.
It was terrible. The people did anything...
everything... just so they could have a bed.
- I know how they felt.
- Oh, you poor dear. You haven't had a wink of sleep.
Shut up. May I go now?
- Yes. Of course, Captain.
- Thank you very much.
I'd like to have a word or two
with you outside.
- Of course, Henri. I want to talk to you too.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, before you say anything,
I want you to meet...
Listen, you little bug-eyed traitor,
I want you to remember this.
I'll get even. I swear I will.
I'll get even if it takes years.
If it takes forever, I'll get even.
- Please. Captain Rochard.
- Go away. I'm busy.
- I'll break you. I'll break you like a dry twig.
- Henri, this is...
I'll turn you into a shaking old woman with
a tin... Didn't you hear me say I was busy?
- With a tin cup!
- I'm trying to tell you this is...
While I can understand how you can be an utter
rat just for the fun of it, one thing baffles me.
- Oh, there's no pleasing some people.
- And that's your job.
The army gave you an assignment. You took
an oath as an officer... the oath of duty.
- I just followed your orders.
- Now we'll never find Schindler! Where is Schindler now?
- Well, he's right...
- He's probably heard I've been looking for him...
and he's gone underground... maybe left
the country... I know how those fellows work!
- But, Henri...
- What do you want? Who are you?
- I am Schindler.
- Well, that's fine. Will you please stop annoying...
- You're Schindler?
- Yeah. Schindler.
- Well, why didn't you say so?
- Because you wouldn't give anybody a chance to say a word.
Now if you'll button that big lip of yours so
Herr Schindler can talk to you for a minute...
he hasn't much time
before his train leaves.
Yeah. All I wanted to say is that I'm so glad...
so grateful, so full of happiness. Thank you.
- Well...
- Good-bye.
- Wait! I want to talk to you.
- He'll miss his train.
Yes. I go to Paris.
French Economic Bureau.
I've got my passport and documents
and contract here in my pocket.
- I took them out of your briefcase.
- This wonderful young lady...
- is giving and telling me everything.
- Mm-hmm.
So I leave Germany now.
I never wanted to be
in the black market.
I'm a scientist, and now I will work
for science and for France...
and no more like
a thief in the night.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
Thank you again. Good-bye.
Nice little guy.
Mmm.
- So you found him.
- I ran smack into him.
Someone I knew knew him.
He was very anxious to go, as you heard.
- It was easy.
- Yeah. Easy.
Yeah. Easy.
All right. Go ahead.
Start hollering. Call me names.
Just a minute. Do you speak English?
- Sure!
- Good. You know, there's nothing I've ever really wanted in life.
Fame, money, position... nothing.
Nothing until now.
There's just one thing.
And that is never to see you
again as long as I live.
That was a mean, rotten thing
to say, and I...
Will you get the coffee, please?
- That was mean rotten.
- Maybe it was mean rotten, but it wasn't accidental.
Fortunately, I'm getting
out of the army soon.
I'm going to be a civilian, so never again
can they order me to associate with you.
What's more, I'm going back
to Heidelberg by train.
You can get some other chump to t*rture
in that lunatic sidecar of yours.
Aw, Henri, I know why you're mad,
and I don't blame you. I would be too.
I knew it was your last job
in the army, and I just didn't think.
I spoiled it for you. I'd give anything
if I hadn't. I'd cut off my arm, almost.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I like you, Henri. I can't help it. I do.
You're stubborn, and you don't know
anything, and you're a fathead.
But I don't want you to go away and
just disappear without saying you'll write...
or kick me or use my toothbrush...
- Oh, for heaven's...
- Well, I wouldn't put it past you!
- And after all we've been to each other.
- And all we haven't been.
- And all we've done together.
- And all...
All we haven't done together.
I know that's not your fault.
It's all mine, and I feel like a...
Oh, I'm making a fool of myself. Now,
get outta here, or say something nice!
Oh. Well, I don't know, Catherine. L...
Oh, that was nice, Henri.
That was nice. Please say more.
Well, if we're gonna get back to Heidelberg
before dark, we'd better be going.
- Oh, Henri!
- But, Catherine...
- Yes, Henri?
- Just one thing.
- What?
- Pay for the coffee.
Yes, Henri.
What happened?
What happened?
Well, you went to sleep,
so I pulled off the side of the road.
- I thought this would be better.
- Thank you.
You know, Henri, I've been thinking.
Why do we fight all the time?
- You tell me.
- Oh, just sex antagonism, I guess.
- What does that mean?
- I don't know exactly...
but I think it means just the opposite
of what it sounds like.
- I can't even think what it sounds like.
- Oh, Henri.
I think it means that we really
like each other but won't admit it.
Listen. I'd like it distinctly understood that I...
- If I weren't so sleepy...
- Don't do it. Go to sleep.
I will.
- You all right?
- Sure. Go on back to sleep.
- Why are we stopping?
- I want to see a man about a road. I'll be back in a minute.
Take your time.
Henri! Henri!
You know something, Catherine?
I don't mind being
the first one to say it.
I like you very much.
As a matter of fact,
I'd miss you if you weren't here.
Henri, stop!
Come back! Henri!
Oh, no.
- Henri!
- Catherine, now that I've told you how I feel, I...
Oh! My, this is terribly bumpy.
Look out!
Catherine! Catherine!
Catherine, darling!
Are you all right? = Where are you? =
Yes. I'm here. I'm coming!
I can hear you,
but I can't find you!
Darling, are you all right?
Where are you?
Here I am, over here.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, darling. Thank goodness you're safe.
How did you get out there?
Well... Wait a minute. Ooh.
I'm all out of breath
from chasing you.
- From chasing me?
- Uh-huh.
- You mean you weren't on the motorcycle?
- Uh-uh. You were by yourself.
- Oh. You got off and left me.
- Henri.
- Huh?
- What's all this "darling" business...
you were mumbling about
a moment ago?
- Darling? Did I say that?
- I heard you.
It's probably fright.
It's only natural that...
Did you mean me, Henri?
Uh, I think I was
stunned momentarily.
Well, maybe you were, but you looked like
you were going to kiss me when you saw me.
- I what?
- I wish you had. I've never been kissed by a Frenchman.
Well, there's not...
What's so strange about that?
Oh, you know what people say.
- Oh, that's nonsense.
- Well, you just hear people talk.
We're no different
than anybody else.
- Well, I don't know. I've just heard talk.
- That's silly.
Why don't you try it just once,
and let me see?
- Oh, Catherine!
- That's the only way to find out, isn't it?
- But I tell you, it's so silly.
- Well, there's no harm in trying, is there?
- No. I suppose not.
- Well, all right. Go ahead.
- Hmm. Well, are you ready?
- Sure.
- There. You see?
- That was no good. That wasn't the least bit different.
I told you it wasn't going
to be any different.
But I thought it'd be better than that.
Well, after all, you didn't
give me much of a chance.
- Oh, that wasn't fair, was it?
- What do you expect? Of course it wasn't.
- I really should give you another chance.
- Yes, you ought.
Well, all right.
Go ahead. Try again.
All right.
Here. Come here.
Well! That was a little better.
Certainly. You see? It could have been
even better if I'd had some cooperation.
If I'd had a French girl,
it would have been fine.
Wait. What did you mean
by that remark?
Well, you haven't been
giving me much help.
- Oh. And you think a French girl could do better?
- Yes. I do.
- Do you want to try it again?
- Do you want to try it again?
- Yes.
- Well, so do I.
Wait a minute. Lean back.
Are you comfortable?
- Yes.
- Good.
Major, we... we want to get married.
Well! When did you reach
that decision?
- This afternoon, about 2:30.
- In a haystack.
You see, Henri was
on the motorcycle, and I...
Catherine, I don't think the major
would be interested in all the details.
And you two didn't want
to go away together.
It would seem your mission
was very successful.
- Thank you, Major.
- My congratulations.
- You're the very first to know.
- I guessed as much.
Now, as to getting married,
there's one hitch.
- Itch?
- It's probably the haystack. Henri and I...
- I don't... I don't...
- I said "hitch. "
All marriages between American
m*llitary personnel and aliens...
- and you come under that heading, Captain...
- Ah.
Must be approved
by the commanding general.
- Now, there's a set procedure for that kind of thing.
- Yes, but...
- It's only red tape, Henri.
- Well, do you itch, Catherine?
The major said "hitch," Henri. She means
we've got to get a lot of things approved.
- Oh.
- Here are the forms requesting permission to marry.
Fill them out in quadruplicate...
and when you've completed them,
send them to Colonel Bliven's office.
- Yes, Major.
- And good luck.
- Good-bye, Captain.
- Yes.
- Is she always so confusing?
- No. But this is going to be.
- What's the matter?
- Look at all this stuff we've got to fill out.
- She said there was four of them.
- You weren't hearing so good. She said four of each.
- Let's go and get to work.
- Fine.
Wait a minute. Wait. Wait.
- Souvenir.
- You'll end up with a pocketful.
Well, this is impossible.
Don't give up now.
We're halfway through.
My uncle's politics, aunt's religion,
any warts, any...
By the way, my aunt's name is Fanny.
Would you put that down, please?
Any identifying scars
on my second cousin's clavicle?
We'll never get this done. And look at this
silly thing. "Name your father's gender. "
- No.
- Yeah. It says so. Look.
No. "Father's birthplace. "
Gender belongs to this question over here.
- I thought there was something wrong.
- What an idiot.
- Were you ever captured by Peruvian Indians?
- No. Why?
I understand they do a very good job
of shrinking heads.
Mmm. Come on.
Come on. Let's take time out.
Oh, there are a lot of things
I'd rather do than answer questions.
- This, for instance?
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'd better go back
and see another double feature.
Oh, no. Come on in.
We're still filling out forms.
If you find anyone who wants
to fill out forms with me, let me know.
- I'm gonna get some sleep.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- See you in the morning.
- We gotta get busy.
- Oh.
Why do we have
to go through all this?
It's the army's way of finding out
if you really want to get married.
- Well, I know a much better way.
- Henri.
Major Prendergast. Yes.
At ease, Gates.
That'll be all right. Well, Gates?
I'm sorry to bother you, Major, but we haven't
heard a word about our application.
- It's been over a week.
- Your papers must've bogged down somewhere.
Isn't there something you can do
to hurry them up?
He's getting awfully nervous,
and so am I.
- I'll see what I can do. I'll let you know.
- Thank you, Major.
- Oh, Gates.
- Yes, Major?
- He is worth waiting for, isn't he?
- Well, he is now.
I don't know what he'll be like
by the time I get him.
I can't understand an American
marrying a foreigner she hardly knows.
It's ridiculous and disgraceful.
- I just can't see why she wants to.
- You all better get glasses.
Why are you women such pushovers for
this parlez vous hand kissing stuff?
Hand kissing?
Why, he does more than that.
Why, Catherine told me
he was plumb crazy.
Always chasing her
and trying to b*at her up.
Why, he left marks
all over her. I saw 'em.
- Leave marks on me any time. I'll bring the stick.
- Oh, it wasn't a stick.
- He kicked her right in the...
- What?
- Well, he did.
- Hi, Catherine.
- We were just talking about you, honey.
- I'll bet you were.
Oh.
Well, say something.
Did you see her?
- Don't lose your temper. The papers are stuck somewhere.
- Stuck, how?
Well, bogged down in channels,
lying on someone's desk.
- What for?
- Henri, please. I don't know.
Well, they let other people get married.
What have they got against you?
Against me? It's probably you
they're investigating.
- Nonsense. Why should they?
- Henri, please.
- There are other people in the room.
- Why should they investigate me?
Because the American army
is very careful. That's why.
American army had better be careful, or they're
not gonna have any American children soon.
- Will you kindly lower your voice?
- I'll do better than that.
I'll take it somewhere else
if it annoys you.
Do that, and while you're about it,
go bag your oars.
- "Bag your oars"? What's that, more army talk?
- Navy.
Oh, naval talk.
It sounds like it. Charming.
- You make me sick.
- Good.
Henri.
Excuse me.
Catherine, let me ask you something
like a brother.
- Do you really wanna marry that phony joker?
- Certainly not.
- You're kidding.
- I hope he chokes. Slowly, very slowly.
That's what I said all along. A girl like you...
you couldn't make a mistake like that.
- Thank heavens for army red tape.
- Oh, don't thank the army.
- You can thank me personally.
- You? Why?
I hid the papers. I knew it was
a cinch you'd change your mind.
- You hid the papers?
- That's right. I knew I was doing you a favor.
- You hid the papers.
- I put them in the advance file.
Don't mind going out on a limb
for a friend. It was taking a chance, sure...
Now as to your marriage, you, Catherine,
want me to marry you in my church.
- That's right.
- And you, Henri, always promised...
the pastor of your parish
that he'd do the job.
- Yes.
- I think you'd better have both marriages.
- I think he's right.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Just a moment.
There's more to it than that.
Under the German law, which is
recognized by the occupying army...
you have to go through a civil ceremony
before the church ceremony.
- Oh?
- So you have to be married first...
- by the brgermeister here in Heidelberg...
- Ah.
And then come to me,
and then go to Henri's pastor.
- That makes three times.
- Three?
Chaplain, did you know that in China,
the bride and groom just drink tea...
- out of the same bowl, and that's it?
- Are you Chinese, Henri?
- Of course I'm not Chinese.
- I didn't think you were. I'm not.
- What brought that up?
- You just said something about drinking tea.
- I was telling the chaplain...
- I'll drink tea with you if you want me to.
- You do?
- Stop it. Stop it.
- Chaplain, perhaps I shouldn't go through with this.
- You can still say no, Henri.
- We'll go to the brgermeister, and then come back to you.
- I'll be ready for you any time.
- Thank you.
- Don't pay any attention to her, Chaplain.
- All right.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
You have decided now
to live your future life together.
And forsaking all other...
keep thee only unto him
so long as ye both shall live?
- I will.
- Will you please join right hands?
Henri, will you repeat after me?
- I, Henri...
- I, Henri...
- take thee, Catherine...
- take thee, Catherine...
to be my wedded wife.
- He wants the ring.
- I haven't got it.
Oh, here. L...
Well, you like it?
I like it.
It's been quite a day, hasn't it?
We're a lot married,
Henri, three times.
It was worth it.
I don't see how we could
ever get a divorce.
It would be something like unwinding
the inside of a golf ball.
- Want some more coffee?
- I just had four cups.
- Besides, it keeps me awake.
- Oh.
What's the matter?
I was just thinking about a friend
of mine on his wedding night.
Oh? What happened?
Well, you see, he was a...
No, no. Not tonight. No, no. No, no.
- Tell me about him.
- About what?
About your friend
on his wedding night.
Oh. I'm not so sure
I can tell you that.
- Oh, of course you can, Henri.
- That's right. I can now, can't I?
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, here's what happened...
This is just like my friend's story.
- Now what?
- Hi. Can I come in?
- Well, you're in.
- I didn't wanna come, but I have to...
- Then go away.
- But...
Kitty, what on earth are you doing here?
I thought you'd gone back.
Of all the times to...
Well, what do you want, anyway?
- Well, I certainly didn't wanna come here.
- Then go away.
I've got something to tell you first,
and you're not going to like it.
- What is it?
- I've just been on the phone.
The colonel gave orders you're
to leave for Heidelberg in 20 minutes.
- You're kidding.
- The whole outfit's been alerted to go back to America.
- To America? Well, they're not going right away.
- Well, I don't know.
Then we don't have
to leave tonight.
Maybe you don't, but Catherine does.
Those are orders.
- When do I have to report?
- Not until morning.
Then we stay here tonight, and fly back
and report in the morning.
- Orders.
- You could tell the colonel you couldn't find us.
He b*at you to it. He said if I tried
to pull that one, we'd both be sorry.
- Oh!
- Cathy, I'm in a spot. So are you.
You've got to get working on Henri's passport,
or he won't be able to sail with you.
Henri, we're dead.
Well, this is a fine wedding night!
You can find a place to stay
in Heidelberg. It's better than nothing.
- What do you mean, nothing?
- You better start packing. You've only got 20 minutes.
- How do we get back from here?
- Plane to Frankfurt. There'll be a jeep there.
- See you later.
- Orders are I'm to stick with you until you get to Heidelberg.
- Orders.
- Orders? Uh...
Orders.
They wouldn't do this
in the French army.
Poor Henri.
- Uh-oh. Want me to wait for you?
- What do you mean, wait?
- What, all night?
- I don't think it's going to be that long.
Uh... What kind of trouble
are you dreaming up now?
I just noticed where you're going.
It says "B.O.Q."
- Oh, no.
- That means bachelor officers' quarters, Henri.
I don't care what it means. That is where I
live, and that's where I'm going to take my wife.
But it's against regulations.
Who cares anything about regulations
at a time like this?
Besides, I know the sergeant
on the desk, and he always looks the...
He's a very nice fellow.
Comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Driver, please take Lieutenant
Lawrence home. Good night, Kitty.
- Good night, Henri.
- Come along, Catherine.
- But, Henri, I...
- Now, please.
- Good night, Kitty.
- Good night, Catherine.
- Hope it works.
- Leave it to me.
- It's just us, Kitty.
- Shh!
- B.O.Q. Means bachelor officers' quarters.
- I told you it did...
And after that, we went to six hotels.
They're all against...
No m*llitary personnel...
What's the matter with you?
Billings is on the couch, and Thompson
and Kay are in the bedroom.
- What are they doing here?
- Sleeping.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, Catherine.
- Where, Henri?
- I don't know, but since the beginning of the world...
man has always found a place
for his mate, even if it was a cave.
Well, tonight mankind's a flop.
You haven't got a cave.
You haven't even got a bed.
It's 3:00 in the morning,
and it's my wedding night...
and my feet hurt,
and I couldn't walk another step.
Yes, darling, yes.
Well, do you want to sleep here?
No. I mean, yes, but I want you
to sleep here too.
Well, you can bunk up with me,
and he can sleep in the bathroom.
- Sitting up?
- It's not so bad.
- I slept in a bathtub once.
- On your wedding night?
No. I'll get you some blankets
and a pillow.
Come along.
Oh, Henri, how could it
turn out like this?
I'd always planned us
to have a wonderful...
I know. I know, darling.
Come on.
There's the bathroom there.
Good night, Henri.
- Here's your pillow and blankets.
- Good night, dear. Good night.
Oh, everything's wrong.
Now I can't wear my new nightgown.
There isn't even any rice...
- Maybe Kitty has some mothballs.
- Good night, Henri.
I don't think it's funny,
not a bit...
with me in one room
and you in a bathtub.
Yes, dear.
Well, never mind.
- Good night, darling.
- Yeah, good night.
And don't cry.
I'll be all right.
I'll be quite comfortable.
I'll just turn on the cold water.
Hmm.
Oh, come on, Henri. Hurry up.
We've got a lot of things to do.
I am hurrying,
just as fast as I can go.
Well, straighten up.
You look like a question mark.
- Oh! Thank you.
- There. That's better.
What a place to put a faucet.
- Where?
- In the middle of my back.
It is unusual.
Well, cheer up, dear.
At least tonight
you'll have a bed to sleep on.
Well, that's just it.
Catherine, I don't mean to sound cranky...
but this situation is so unnatural.
I'll be at B.O.Q. And you'll be
sleeping miles away...
all because
the United States Army...
We haven't got time
to look for another place today.
We've got to see
the American consul. Come on, silly.
- What are you doing in the gutter?
- Where else would I be?
Now, I know it's very important
and you're in a hurry...
but it's not gonna be easy.
Take the matter of support. Captain, have
you any money in the United States?
- No.
- And the laws of your country...
forbid you taking anything
but a nominal amount with you.
Yes, I'm afraid that's right.
Then a visitor's visa
would do you no good.
You couldn't take a job.
And unless your wife can prove...
that she's able to support you,
you couldn't get a permanent visa.
Catherine isn't going to support me,
so is there any other kind of visa?
What about the French quota?
The French quota's completely
filled up for this year and next.
- Well, what'll we do?
- I was wondering...
if public law 271 would apply.
That's the one regulating
the immigration of w*r brides.
Catherine doesn't have to immigrate.
She's an American citizen.
I was thinking of you as the bride.
That's a pretty good
imagination you have there.
It says spouses.
Doesn't mention sex.
I'm convinced the American army
doesn't believe in it.
This is gonna work.
Yes, I think this is gonna work.
- Well, sure, it will. Say, this is wonderful.
- What's so wonderful?
It says spouses means mates.
Doesn't say anything about male or female.
- We're mates, aren't we?
- I really wouldn't know.
You're a spouse of a member
of the American expedition forces.
Therefore, you're eligible to travel...
- under section 271 as her bride.
- As her bride?
- No, Henri, please.
- As your bride?
- Oh, Henri, it'll be fun.
- But isn't it ridic...
Of course it is, darling, but it'll work.
You'll see. It's the only way.
Here's the application right here.
I am not going to travel as her bride.
And besides, her name's Rochard.
Excuse me, Captain Rochard,
but officially, it's still Gates.
Not at all.
Officially, it is Rochard.
- I have three wedding certificates to prove it.
- Henri.
I don't care.
Rochard. Rochard.
Pay no attention to him, Mr. Jones.
What do we have to do?
Here you fill out your name, rank,
organization, your wife's maiden name.
- She hasn't got a wife.
- Just for the time being.
- Have you got a wife?
- No, dear. But it's only a piece of paper.
- Well, then you...
- Well, obviously these applications...
are intended for
the husband to fill in.
Oh, well, I can write.
I can write.
- Yes, we know, dear. You can write.
- No, this doesn't apply to you.
You'll just have to make
the proper adjustments.
- What?
- On these papers.
- You want to go, don't you?
- What?
I tell you, Henri,
it's the only way.
Just hand those over to the immigration
officer when you've filled them out.
- Thank you, Mr. Jones.
- But, Catherine...
It'll be simple. You'll see.
On the contrary, the process
of turning a man into a woman...
is enormously complicated.
- But I'll do my best. Thank you. Good day.
- Good day.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.
Just a moment.
Brides first, please.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
- That's all right.
Hello, Henri.
- Well, nothing happened.
- Hasn't it come yet?
I wonder if the application
even arrived.
I handed it to the immigration officer
myself first thing this morning.
Henri, brace yourself. I'm leaving.
- Our whole outfit leaves tonight.
- Tonight?
Oh, well, that does it.
We're cooked.
- The application will come this afternoon. It's got to.
- It won't. Oh, you'll see.
You'll go, and I'll sit here
wondering which sex I am.
What a marriage. Solitary confinement.
Separate rooms.
I've never been
so lonely in my life.
- If I have to leave you, I'll sh**t myself.
- sh**t me too. I'm...
- I think this is it. It came to the office.
- Thank you, Kitty.
At last.
"Dear madame"?
Oh, yes, that's me.
"Following application
of your husband... " that's you...
"you are informed that permission
to enter the United States...
as a w*r bride has been granted. "
- I gotta get back. I'll see you later.
- Thanks, Kitty.
- I'm so happy. Kiss me.
- We've got time now. That can wait.
- Or maybe it can't.
- Oh, no, darling. No, no, Henri. Please, the letter.
"Please fill in attached form
and bring to this... "
Another form.
Will they ever run out of forms?
Hmm. Hmm.
I won't. I won't answer
those questions.
- Oh. Well, Henri, this isn't so bad.
- I won't answer those questions.
- You've got to.
- I won't!
- You don't wanna stay, do you?
- No.
- Then you've got to answer them.
- How can I?
You can, Henri, and perhaps the man
at the office will help you.
- It wouldn't be possible.
- Now, please, control yourself for once and be nice.
- How can you answer a single...
- Everything will be all right.
Be sure and read them over on the
way down. Good-bye, Henri. Good luck.
- I tell you, there isn't another form.
- I told you first.
- This form isn't for a man. It's for a woman.
- Uh-huh.
On the other hand, if you don't get this form
filled out and approved, you can't go.
- That's right.
- You mean I've got to use this form?
Sergeant,
I felt the same way you do...
but if that's the only form,
come on, let's fill it out.
Well, let's see. Age and birthplace.
We've got all that.
Well, here's the first one.
Are you an expectant mother?
Uh-huh.
Yes. How many months?
Twenty.
Twenty. Twenty months.
Any... Any female trouble?
Nothing but, Sergeant.
And... have you ever had
any children before?
Oh, my aching back. You know
that awful feeling before breakfast?
- No, Captain, I don't.
- Oh, Sergeant, you're lucky.
Captain, this doesn't make any sense.
I know, but come on. We gotta
fill it out. Ask me another.
There's some good ones coming up.
Attention, please. Attention, please.
Will Mrs. Milton
come to the desk, please.
You take seat 18
in bus number three.
All right, Mrs. Rochard...
- you take seat 19 in bus number three.
- Thank you.
- Wait a minute! You're not Mrs. Rochard.
- I'm Mr. Rochard.
It's your wife who must report here
for transportation to Bremerhaven.
- According to the w*r department, I am my wife.
- You can't be your wife!
If the American army says that I can
be my wife, who am I to dispute them?
- This is all wrong.
- Major, for your information, I am a w*r bride.
- A w*r bride?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm slightly confused.
- I don't blame you...
but the official wording says
I am "an alien spouse...
"of female m*llitary personnel
en route to the United States...
under public law 271
of the congress. "
This is a strange situation,
but I suppose it's perfectly legal.
- Yes, it is.
- Well, um, Mrs. Roch... I mean, Mr. Rochard...
it won't be necessary
for you to stop at the, uh, nurse's desk.
- No?
- No.
Oh.
Attention, please.
Will all passengers be sure to have their
baggage checked before boarding the buses.
Will all passengers
be sure to have their baggage checked...
before boarding the buses.
Will Mrs. Turner...
Mrs. Turner please come to the desk.
Will Mrs. Turner please
come to the desk.
He's crying, the baby.
- Is that what he's doing?
- He wants water, yes?
I wouldn't know, madame. When I want water,
I have a different way of asking for it.
- He is a baby. You are a man.
- Thanks.
I'll get him some water.
You hold the baby, please.
- Well, I... No, no, I...
- I'll only be a minute.
But I don't know anything about...
Oh, my good... Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
Attention, please.
Ladies, please stop moving about
and stay where you are till I finish.
Ladies, you are now on
the first leg of your journey...
to the United States
as guests of the army.
Arrangements have been
made for your comfort...
in Bremerhaven
at the dependents'hotel.
You'll be able to get anything you need
at the P.X. There...
such as lipstick,
hair nets, garter belts...
foundation garments
and so forth.
Now, a lot of you have asked me about
the newest styles in the good old U.S.A.
- Well, hair's being worn shorter, close to the head.
- Oh.
Skirts are long, of course, and rather hippy
with that full-blown look.
The trend is to
the natural bustline and...
between us, girls,
looking around the room...
I don't think
any of you need to worry.
Now, if you'll just move out
in order, the buses are ready.
Happyjourney, ladies.
Uh...
- Well, he has to be here somewhere.
- I know.
- Oh, look. Oh, look!
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Ah, Henri, you look so maternal.
- What is that?
- A human fire extinguisher. You wanna try it?
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, he's cute. What's his name?
- Niagara.
- Henri, what a thing to do.
- Where's the mother?
- She went to get more water.
- She ought to get a plumber.
- Henri, you've got to get out of here.
- How can we when we still...
- There's the mother.
- Thank you so much. I'm sorry.
- Let's get going.
- Oh, darling.
Mr. Rochard! Mr. Rochard!
Your seat in the bus has been changed.
You're sitting with the driver.
Oh, no. I thought
I'd be able to sit with you.
You can't. Kitty and I
are flying to Bremerhaven.
- What?
- The whole outfit's going that way.
- Oh, no!
- I'll be there to meet you when you come in.
Will you try to arrange things so that
we can be together in Bremerhaven?
- I hope so, Henri. I'll try.
- Well, if you don't, I won't sit with the driver.
- You want me to carry that?
- No, thank you.
Oh. All right.
- Darling, was it bad?
- Oh, 30 women.
With the exception of you, dear, I may never
talk with another one again as long as I live.
- Poor Henri.
- Let's get away from here.
- Where are you staying? Where do we go?
- You don't, Henri.
- I don't? But you mean you couldn't fix it?
- They wouldn't hear of it.
I'm in building 11 across town,
and you stay here.
- But isn't there any chance?
- I've argued for an hour, darling.
Oh, well, I'm learning what it is
to be a soldier's wife.
I know, dear.
I feel the same way.
Tomorrow night on the boat,
everything will be different.
To make things worse,
I've gotta go now.
Come on, Kitty. I'll meet you
on the dock in the morning.
- Get a good night's sleep.
- That's all I've been getting.
- Hello, Henri. Good-bye, Henri.
- Hello. Good-bye.
Hello. Good-bye.
Put your name
and address on the list.
You understand there'll be
a little wait for transportation...
because we've got
a lot of people to attend to.
But if you'll just fill out that form and
bring it back here, I'll see if I can help.
I'm sorry, sir.
Visiting hours are over.
You can come and see
your wife tomorrow.
My wife will have to visit me
tomorrow. I am billeted here.
- You are?
- Yes.
But you can't... Lieutenant.
There must be some mistake.
No mistake. I am an alien spouse
of female m*llitary personnel...
en route to the United States
under public law 271 of the congress.
- Good grief.
- The manifest calls for 139 w*r brides...
126 children of w*r brides,
nine dogs of w*r brides...
three cats, two canaries,
one parrot...
- Oh, yes, here you are.
- Then me.
You must have been added later.
One w*r bride, male.
- Is that you?
- That's me.
- Well, now, there's a problem.
- Why?
- Because you can't stay here.
- I have to stay here.
- I am billeted here.
- Well, if you insist.
But we already have from three
to ten women in every room.
To say nothing of the dogs and cats.
I mean, you can't stay here.
I can't stay here, huh?
I think the place for you is the officers' billet
in the staging area.
- It won't be half as interesting.
- It's just down the street...
the third building on the left.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
I'm sorry.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I suppose you wonder
what I want here.
Well, I will if you want me to.
I'm an alien spouse
of female m*llitary personnel...
en route to the United States
under public law 271 of the congress.
- Huh?
- I am a w*r bride.
No kiddin'.
That's interesting.
Would it interest you enough
to give me a bed?
- Oh, you can't sleep here, Mac.
- Why not?
- Are you an American officer?
- No.
That's why you can't sleep here.
You go to the dependents' hotel.
I have just come from
the dependents' hotel.
- You mean the one here in Bremerhaven?
- Mm-hmm.
I mean the one down
at the staging area.
I'm afraid I'm much too tired
to walk all that distance.
Well, suit yourself, Mac,
but you can't sleep here.
Uh, yeah. Well, there must be a bed
that isn't being used.
- You must have a bed. Where is it?
- Right across the street.
- Well, uh...
- My wife's in it, and you can't...
No, no, of course not.
Yes. Quite right. Naturally.
Well, it's...
Oh, brother.
- Right down this way.
- This is awfully kind of you, Sergeant.
I'm a private, mister, but you gotta sleep
somewhere, even if you ain't in the army.
You won't get into
any trouble, will you?
What are they gonna do,
bust a private to a civilian?
- This ain't the Ritz, but it ought to do.
- It's fine.
I'm grateful to find
a friend like you.
- Tell me, where do you live in the United States?
- Brooklyn.
- I'll look you up when I get there.
- Get a good sleep.
Thank you.
Hey. Hey!
- No, no, no, thank you.
- Wake up.
- No, no, no. Not now, thank you.
- What are you doin'here? =
Oh, I had a feeling.
I am an alien spouse
of female m*llitary personnel...
en route to the United States
under public law 271 of the congress.
Well, why aren't you
at the dependents' hotel?
I am writing a book about that.
You see, I'm not a woman.
That's too bad.
But I tell you one thing, friend...
- You can't sleep here.
- Can't sleep here.
You will note, I have not taken
off my clothes in anticipation of that.
- Where will I go?
- I don't know, but you...
- Can't sleep here.
- That's right.
We're agreed.
Where will I go?
Well, there's only one place left,
and that's a German hotel.
- But you're a dependent, aren't you?
- Mm-hmm.
And as a dependent,
you come under m*llitary law...
and all the German hotels
are out of bounds.
- Where will I go?
- I don't know, mister.
I'm sorry,
but there's an army rule.
- And you can't sleep here.
- Can't sleep here.
Beg your pardon.
- Where will you go?
- I don't know.
It's a shame.
Because if we was in Brooklyn...
you could've slept
with the old man.
Hiya.
Oh. Hi.
- What can I do for you?
- Well, uh...
I'm looking for a place to sleep.
Can you help me?
Afraid not. Nothing but women
sleepin' in there.
Yeah, I know. Building 11.
My wife's in there.
- A lot of people's wives are in there.
- Yeah.
Have you ever noticed that women always get
a place to sleep? I wonder why that is.
Well, I suppose it's because
they're the weaker sex.
I don't believe it. I believe
they're stronger. And do you know why?
Because they get enough sleep,
that's why.
I am sorry I can't help you.
Well, very kind of you, Corporal.
Good night. You from Brooklyn?
Yonkers.
What are those?
Good night, buddy.
I am an alien spouse of female m*llitary
personnel en route to the United States...
under public law 271
of the congress...
and I've been everywhere in town
looking for a place to sleep.
You poor man. Well, you can't stay here.
This is a female building.
It is?
Another woman's building.
You know, I've come to the conclusion...
that American men don't sleep.
Well, not in this building.
I was wondering if there'd be any
objection to my sitting here for a while.
You could sort of imagine
I'm waiting for something.
Well, it all depends on what
you imagine you're waiting for.
I'm sure I don't want to send you
out on a night like this.
That's very kind. That's nice.
Tell me, what part of the United States
do you come from?
- Boston, up in Massachusetts.
- Massachu-chu-chu...
Right. Is there a place
called Yonkers?
- Sure. It's in New York.
- Oh. I was wondering.
Well, I'm...
I'm a little mixed up.
- May I hold that for you?
- Oh, thanks.
You see, I just got married.
Well, where's your wife?
Oh, she's in another female building.
Building 11.
- And you couldn't find a bed anywhere?
- No... Well, almost.
There was, uh...
There was one in Brooklyn...
- and another one with a woman in it.
- A woman?
- He was a very disagreeable man.
- Who was?
Her husband. Yeah, it would've been
nicer in Brooklyn.
- With the husband?
- No. The old man.
You are tired, aren't you?
- There he is. I'll see you on the boat.
- Okay.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Oh, darling, I was afraid
you'd missed the last bus.
- Oh, sailor, could you take these bags, please?
- All right.
Thank you. Henri...
Henri, you look awful.
- What have you been doing?
- I've been sitting up all night with a redhead.
- What?
- Knitting.
- What?
- You ought to see me purl.
- Oh, you ought to see her purl.
- What are you talking about?
Attention all passengers.
Please get on board as soon as possible...
as soon as possible, please.
- I'd like to show you how to do that sometime.
- We gotta go.
- Got your papers?
- What?
- Have you got your papers?
- They're right there.
Listen, darling. All we have to do
is get aboard the ship.
Remember, no back talk, no argument.
Just keep your temper. Promise?
- I promise.
- All right. Come on.
You've been to the navy personnel.
They'll clear you through.
Here's your boarding card.
Your orders, please, Lieutenant.
Thank you.
- Lieutenant Gates.
- Right.
- Here's your boarding card, Lieutenant.
- Thank you.
- Surely.
- What do you want, mister?
- I want to go aboard.
- I'm sorry. This ship is for w*r brides and a few...
I know. I know, Sergeant.
Here are my orders.
Have you got a Rochard
on your list?
- Yeah, a Mrs. Henri Rochard.
- That's me.
- You're not a woman.
- We don't want you. We want your wife.
You can't have my wife.
That's one thing I'm particular about.
- Henri.
- Oh, yes, Catherine, I'll remember.
There's been a slight misunderstanding,
gentlemen. My name is Henri Rochard.
Henri. Have you ever heard
of a woman called Henri?
I'm tryin' to think.
You know a lot of dames, Sam.
- I know a Billie.
- I don't know any. Maybe he's right.
- You see, I am a w*r bride.
- What?
- This is my wife.
- Oh.
It's a very natural mistake.
You're not the first to have made it.
Now, if my papers are in order,
may I go aboard?
I guess we'll have
to let him go on.
- Here's your boarding card.
- Thank you. Good day.
- Good day.
- Good day.
You were wonderful, Henri.
I knew if you kept your temper,
everything would be all right.
- I thought I behaved quite well.
- Oh, you did.
May I see your orders, please?
- Stateroom B-14, Lieutenant.
- Thank you.
How'd you get up here? This ship is
for w*r brides and m*llitary personnel.
Yes, yes, I know.
My name is Rochard.
You'll think I'm a bride,
but actually, I'm a husband.
There'll be a moment
or two of confusion...
- but if we all keep our heads, everything will be fine.
- I don't think it will.
- I've got a Mrs. "Rotcherd" on my list.
- Rochard!
She's in A-88 with two other brides
and three children.
- Oh, well, that, of course, will have to be altered.
- Not by me it won't.
I have just explained everything
to the army.
They understood.
They passed me.
The army understood,
and they passed you.
Oh, that's fine.
That's just dandy.
Did you hear that? The army understood,
and they passed him.
This is the navy, bud.
- My friend, I have had weeks of the United States Army, and...
- Henri.
And I'm quite prepared
to take on the United States Navy.
And the United States Navy's
quite prepared to take you on, mister.
Hey, fellas,
get this guy out of here.
Just a minute. Have you heard
of a woman called Henri?
Yeah. Henrietta. Powell Street.
San Francisco. Take him.
- No, no, no. No. Never mind. Never mind.
- Get goin'.
All right, I'm going.
Just go on about your business.
Henri, you shouldn't have lost
your temper. Where are you going?
I'm going someplace to change
back into a man.
- I'm tired of being my own wife.
- You can't give up now.
- Well, make them give up. Someone has to.
- Listen, will you?
Once on board that ship, everything
will be over, and you'll be a man forever.
- Now, it's worth a try, isn't it, darling?
- How can we?
- Well, Henri, I don't know...
- Lieutenant, would you take this bag for me?
- I left something on the bus.
- I'll have someone put it in the mess hall for you.
- Now, what were you saying?
- Henri, do you love me?
- Of course I love you.
- And you'll make one more try to get aboard that boat?
- If you say so.
- You promise?
- I promise.
- And you'll keep it?
- I promised, didn't I?
- All right. Come on.
Here. Hold these.
Whoa, boy. Whoa.
Nah, that won't do.
Oh, here's a better one here.
Whoa, boy. Whoa, fella.
- What are you doing?
- Come on, Henri. Lean down.
Lean down close. I wanna
see somethin'. Uh-huh. That goes perfect.
- With what?
- Give me your Kn*fe.
You're not going to...
I won't do it.
- This will make a perfectly good wig.
- I won't do it.
- And we've got the clothes right here.
- Catherine, I will not do it.
- But, Henri, you said you loved me.
- Well, I'm not so sure now.
And you promised. Give me your Kn*fe.
Come on, Henri.
There's not much time.
This is ridiculous.
Catherine, can't you at least
cut it off the mane?
Henri, you're taking this
much too personally.
Now, stand so no one
can see what I'm doing.
Mmm, a little tough.
Hmm. Won't be so bad
when I get your bangs rolled.
Wanna see what you look like?
Horrible.
I don't think I'll be called
upon to defend my honor.
- I doubt it.
- It's a pity.
- I wonder if some lipstick would help.
- Oh, no.
- Well, why not?
- I'm more the outdoor type.
Sea Biscuit. Bang Tail.
You know?
Oh, silly, hold still.
Let me roll these.
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot somethin'.
Can you talk like a woman?
- You mean like this?
- Can't you do better than that?
- No.
- Just remember... Keep your mouth closed. Not a word.
Leave everything to me.
And keep your head down.
Oh, sailor, would you put this
in the mess hall for me, please?
- Sure, Lieutenant.
- Thank you.
Wait a moment.
Hey, did you hear that?
I must look pretty good.
- Don't be silly. That was for me.
- For you?
- Of course.
- I ought to punch him in the nose.
- Henri, remember, you're a lady.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- We have our boarding cards. We've been up before.
- Go ahead.
I don't remember
that tall one, Sam.
- It's hard to believe you could forget a face like that.
- Yeah.
Lieutenant Gates. B-14.
I was up before.
Oh, yes. Your orders, please.
Say, that's funny. Rochard.
Why aren't you listed among
the m*llitary personnel, Lieutenant?
Save your voice. You'll have to
excuse her. She has laryngitis.
- Now, what were you saying?
- Why isn't the lieutenant listed among m*llitary personnel?
- Well, you see, she was just married.
- Married? That may be, but...
Hey, Red. Come here.
- What's the trouble?
- This lieutenant is listed as a missus.
Why'd they put you
down as mi...
How do you do?
- Why'd they put you down as missus instead of lieutenant?
- She has laryngitis.
They possibly didn't list her
as lieutenant because of her husband.
- Who'd she marry?
- Admiral Rochard.
- Who?
- Admiral Rochard.
The name is familiar, but I don't remember it
connected with an admiral.
You never heard of her husband?
He won't like that.
Florence, if I were you,
I wouldn't say a word about this.
Sure. You heard of him, Red.
Admiral Rochard. Sure.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maybe I have. All right.
- Stateroom A-88, Lieutenant.
- Get your instructions in the mess hall.
Thanks so much.
Come, Florence.
First time I ever felt sorry
for an admiral.
Gams aren't bad.
Now I'm beginning
to feel sorry for you.
- In here, please.
- We were just going...
- Please, Lieutenant. Your instructions first.
- Come on, Florence.
- I don't like that name Florence.
- Oh, shut up.
- Kitty.
- I've been waiting...
- Shh.
- Oh, no.
Stand on the other side
so they can't see so well.
This was the only way.
They wouldn't let him... Henri, duck down.
- I can hear quite well.
- You're too tall. Duck down.
- He looks awful.
- I didn't have much to work with.
I don't see how I could get him aboard.
You got a room where we can put him?
I've got a room, but they wouldn't
let a thing like that in.
We gotta hide him somewhere till we can
change his clothes and the boat sails.
- What about the linen...
- No, and the men's room won't do either.
- Somebody's spotted him already.
- What?
We need a nurse. It's an emergency.
Will you come with me, please?
- I'm a nurse?
- Come along, please.
I hadn't counted on this.
- It's very lucky they found a nurse.
- What's the matter?
- My wife's expectin' a baby.
- What? Oh, no!
- No. It isn't a very convenient time, is it?
- You can say that again.
- It isn't a very convenient time, is it?
- No. No, it isn't.
No. Oh, gee. I wonder if the baby
will be a girl.
- I'll be grateful if it's a baby.
- You will?
Oh, you're very kind.
Gosh, I... I wish I knew
what was going on in there.
- Oh, you won't have long to wait.
- I won't?
Oh, gee whiz. Gosh, I... I don't think
I can stand this.
- You got a bigger shock coming.
- I have?
Mm-hmm.
- The lieutenant got a little dizzy.
- Thank you.
- I'll take care of her. I'll get you some water, dear.
- Pardon me.
- Oh, this is the father, Florence.
- How do you do?
Is it a boy or a... girl...
Oh, no!
What happened to hi...
Well, if it isn't Florence, huh?
Arrest that man.
- It's all right, Henri. The ship has sailed.
- Hmm?
Come along. Come on, Flo.
Florence.
Mr. Rochard, may we come in?
I don't see how I can stop you.
The key's on the outside.
Thank you. Henri, this is Lieutenant Perkins
and Commander Willis.
The commander's the chaplain.
Chaplain? Oh, no, no.
No, nothin' doing. I'm sorry, Chaplain.
- Nothing doing what?
- No more marriages. It isn't worth it.
- I'm not gonna marry her again, Chaplain.
- Why, Henri.
I don't think that'll be necessary.
We've got the whole thing straightened out.
I'm sorry about the mix-up, sir,
but your case was a little unusual.
You see, you're an alien spouse
of female m*llitary personnel...
en route to the United States
under public law 271 of the congress.
- Am I now?
- Yes, and under the circumstances...
- the captain would like
to forget the whole thing.
Don't you understand, dear?
You're free. You can go now.
- Where?
- Anywhere on the ship.
We've got you bunked in with one
of the officers. He doesn't mind.
I think he would mind.
He wouldn't like that at all.
- You see, I snore terribly.
- Why, Henri, you don't snore.
- How would you know I don't?
- Oh.
Couldn't we do something simple?
Couldn't I just stay here?
- Well, I... I suppose that...
- I don't see why not.
Well, thank you. That's very nice.
You've been a great help.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
All right.
Mm-hmm.
- You wouldn't.
- Yes, I would.
I believe you would.
Henri, how will we ever
get out of here?
I'm not gonna worry about that until
the Statue of Liberty goes by that porthole.
I Was a Male w*r Bride (1949)
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