04x14 - Grandpa's Will

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


Oh, addy, please.


Do you know what time it is?


Addy, if I accept a date at on a saturday night


With a man I don't even know,


He's gonna think I'm desperate.


I'll be there in minutes.


All right, all right!


I said I'm sorry!


How many times do I have to apologize?!


Hey, what is your problem?


Grandpa. He's so touchy.


I said one little thing to him at dinner tonight,


And he's still jumping all over me.


Well, you know, honey,


Sometimes young people can say something to older people


And really make them angry.


Now, what did you say?


"Please pass the butter."


Don't you know nobody wants to hear that when they're eating?


Why is he so grumpy?


Because it gives him pleasure.


Oh, come on, nell. Can't you do something?


It's not just me. He's on katie and julie, too.


No. He's even hollering at joey.


Please?


Can't you do something?


All right.


I'll call addy and cancel my date.


So what if a good-looking man is in town for one night.


I can't just ignore grandpapa and his problem.


On the other hand, grandpop is a big boy,


And he can take care of his own problems.


Joey, if I told you once, I've told you a million times


Not to make noise while I'm sleeping.


But I was being as quiet as I could be!


Well, it's too loud!


Hey, hey, hey.


What's going on here?


Grandpa says I woke him up.


The boy is totally inconsiderate.


But I wasn't making any noise!


Oh, yes, you were.


"Now I lay me down to sleep.


I pray the lord my soul to keep."


He was saying his prayers?


Yes, and the noise was deafening.


Well, no problem, pop.


I'm the chief of police.


I'll arrest him for loitering on his knees.


Don't make jokes.


I'm not in the mood.


Sorry, pop.


Joey, from now on, don't pray so loud.


But I can't pray any quieter.


God can hardly hear me now.


Try whispering.


He can read lips.


I'm sorry, grandpa.


Oh, for crying out loud, pop. Be reasonable.


This is joey's room, too, you know.


I was here first.


You're the one wanted the kid to move in with you.


I didn't know he was a religious fanatic.


Pop, you're bending yourself all out of shape for nothing.


Oh, look who's here.


The butter freak.


"Pass the butter. Pass the butter."


Your cholesterol count must be in the millions.


How could it be?


You never did pass the butter.


Pop, what's wrong with you?


There is nothing wrong with me! Oh, don't give me that.


You've been ranting and raving like a maniac.


I always thought I could count on you for a level head.


Well, don't count on me.


I don't want anyone to count on me.


You live your life, I'll live mine.


Okay, if that's what you want, that's what you got.


But while you're living your life, could you hold it down?


There are other people here trying to get some sleep, too.


Could you sleep with that racket going on in there?


Just listen to that.


Listen to what?


Joey brushing his teeth.


The minute I drop off,



All I hear is ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!


What do you want me to do,


Put a sil*ncer on joey's toothbrush?


Grandpa, he's just a little boy


Brushing his little teeth.


"His little teeth. His little teeth."


Look at the size of this kid's teeth.


Just look.


He's got a mouth like seattle slew.


And you're acting like the other end.


Yeah, I knew you'd take his side.


Well, go on out of here and take him with you.


Gee, grandpa, I'm sorry I made so much noise.


I promise I'll never brush my teeth again


As long as I live.


No, it's too late -- this is my room,


And I don't want to share it with you any longer.


All right, pop, that's it.


I was trying to spare you this, but you brought it on yourself.


Samantha, get nell.


She has a date. She's getting dressed.


All right, well, you just wait until nell gets dressed.


I'm gonna tell her everything you said about joey.


What's all the yelling about?


Yeah, what's going on?


Why should that concern you?


Because we live here.


Ha! That's a laugh!


You girls use this house only to change your clothes


For your next date and leave me stuck as a babysitter.


I'm not going out tonight.


Neither am i. I'm staying home.


Well, how do you like that?


It's saturday night,


And my three granddaughters are so boring they can't get dates.


I can't believe he actually threw joey out of his room.


What? Why is he so angry?


Beats me.


I felt great when I threw you out of my room.


Where's your grandfather?


He's in the bathroom.


Okay, you're lucky. Nell's still getting dressed.


But you're gonna listen to me,


And you're gonna listen to me good.


[ Gargling ]


Grandpa threw me out of his room.


Oh, honey, he didn't mean to.


He's just probably having a bad day.


He doesn't like me anymore.


Come here, baby. That's not true.


Grandpa loves you very much.


You know what? I'm gonna get the chief to talk to him.


He'll listen to the chief, okay?


Blow it out your ear, carl!


Aunt nell, can you get somebody else to talk to grandpa?


Can't I go anywhere in this house without seeing this kid?


Look, it's saturday night.


Why doesn't he hang out on some street corner


Like a normal kid?


Grandpop, I'm gonna get the chief to talk to you.


Yeah, he already did, and I cut him out of my will.


Grandpa --


Nobody tells me what to do.


And I want to warn you, nell.


One more word from you, and you're out of my will.


You can kiss my philco radio goodbye.


Stubborn old goat.


I heard that! You're out of the will.


Okay, all right. All right, grandpop.


When things go wrong in my family,


My mother would sit us down and she would play the piano


And sing us a happy song,


And we would all feel much better.


And your family would sit still for that?


Yes, and so will you.


Now, sit.


Smile [mutters]


Smile [mutters]


Smile and stick it.


Maybe I should have done "zip-a-dee-doo-dah."


Well, you tried your best, aunt nell.


Don't worry, honey. You know what?


We just have to give grandpa a little room.


He's got the whole room to himself now!


No, no, no, that's not what I mean.


You see, everybody has their problems,


And, you know, they have to work on them.


Grandpapa has to work on his problems,


And I got to work on my problem.


What's your problem?


My date.


How do I get on a bus in this dress?


Never mind.


You're damn right I'm not letting up, pop!


I'm not leaving you alone until we've talked this out.


No need to talk.


It's over.


It is?


Yes.


For the first time in your life, you're right.



I am?


Yes.


I've upset everybody, and I want to apologize to you, son.


You do? Yes.


I promise I won't make any more trouble.


You won't?


No.


The least I can do is stay out of your way.


Oh, come on, pop, you're not in the way.


It's just that, with seven people in the house,


We've got to get along together.


Six. I'm leaving.


Leaving? Where would you go?


To a retirement home.


Pop, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.


You really believe that, son?


Yes, I do.


Good. Then I made the right decision.


Pop, explain the cab.


The cab?


Well, they're yellow, and they have a little meter...


Pop.


...a picture of the driver underneath,


Usually somebody named lupé...


Pop, please, stop it.


Pop, I get the picture!


Pop, what's your problem?


What's really bugging you?


Why should anything be bugging me?


I haven't got a worry in the world.


You see, I've got nothing, and when you have nothing,


You got nothing to worry about.


I need a change, so I'm leaving.


Pop, I'm asking you to stay.


Oh, forget it, carl. It's been nice living with you.


Damn it, pop, if you want, I'll beg you to stay.


I'll get down on my knees and beg you to stay.


Look, I'm on my knees, begging you to stay.


[ Doorbell rings ]


That must be my cab.


Simpson.


Hiya, grandpa.


Aw, the family that prays together stays together.


Somebody here call a cab?


Simpson, are you the cab driver?


Oh, yeah.


I moonlight on my day off.


I drive a cab belongs to a guy named lupé.


Simpson, I want you to drive me to the glenlawn retirement home.


I'm moving in.


Oh, you'll like it. It's beautiful.


They got a lot of green lawns


And a duck pond with real ducks.


And at night it's so quiet,


Except during the duck mating season.


Simpson, would you wait outside in your cab?


All right, chief.


Don't worry, grandpa.


I won't put the flag down, huh?


Carl, like it or not,


I am moving into the glenlawn retirement home.


I hope you got a rich relative that I don't know about


Because I can't afford to keep you there.


Well, I make some sort of a deal with them --


Do odd jobs, mow the lawn --


Pop, nobody ever worked his way through a retirement home!


They don't want somebody to do odd jobs.


They want , bucks a month.


And you still have to put quarters in the washing machine.


I'll think of something.


No, you won't, pop. You've lived a long time, pop.


You know by now


That you can't do anything in this world without money.


I know.


Grandpapa, what are you doing here?


What old men do when they're failures --


Sit in the park and feed the pigeons.


Now, you're not a failure. Now, you stop talking that way.


Oh, yes, I am a failure.


I've got no more bread to feed the pigeons.


Here.


Now you're a success.


If you really want to be a hit,


Let's throw in some pumpernickel.


I'm not in the mood for jokes, nell.


Grandpapa, you want to talk about it?


No.


Well, there's nobody here but you, me, and the pigeons,


And if one of you says one word,


I'm gonna cut off your pumpernickel.


Grandpapa, come on, loosen up.


Nell, it's the kids.


You see, I'm letting them down.


Grandpapa, they know that they have a cranky old man


For a grandfather, and they love it.


They'd be bored to death


If they had one of those sweet, kindly old jerks


Like in the lemonade commercials.


Yeah, but it's those sweet, kindly old jerks


That manage to leave something to their families.



Uh, you've lost me, grandpa.


Last week I went to a lawyer to make out a will,


And I found I have nothing to leave my family.


After all these years,


All I've got is an old philco radio with a loose tube.


You've got three beautiful granddaughters,


Me, joey, and the chief.


He's had a loose tube for years. [ Chuckles ]


So, that's what this is about.


You think that you're a failure to your family, huh?


That's exactly what I am.


I came into this world with nothing,


And I'm leaving it with nothing.


Well, at least you break even.


Well, no, not exactly.


You see, there is one thing I can leave to my family.


What's that?


A $ bill from my lawyer.


[ Horns honking, dog barking ]


Hi, pop.


Are you back, grandpa?


Mm-hmm.


Yeah.


I went for a walk and got way over to the other side of town,


And then -- I don't know, sounds crazy --


I got a whiff of polish sausage, and here I am.


Well, we're glad to have you back.


Yeah, we missed you, grandpa.


You're glad to have me back?


Did nell tell you my problem? What problem?


Well, if she didn't, I better tell you myself.


I found out about it at my lawyer's


And can't keep it bottled up any longer.


It's something I'm terribly ashamed of


Because, when I came to this country as an immigrant boy,


I just never figured this would happen.


Grandpa, you're an illegal alien?!


We'll hide you in the attic.


We'll never tell. They can t*rture us!


No, no, no, no, no. I'm a citizen.


I voted for herbert hoover.


Don't ask me why.


Chief what is it, then?


I'm a failure. I'm flat broke.


I have nothing to leave any of you.


Ah, that's not true.


Listen, can I have your attention?


I'm glad you're here for the signing of grandpa's will.


But, nell, what do you mean?


Aw, shut up, grouchy, and sign this.


I told you I haven't a damn thing to leave anybody.


I have spent all afternoon typing this thing.


You better sign it.


Come on.


All right, now read.


"I, stanley kanisky, being of sound mind and body,


Bequeath to my 'fernily'" --


Uh, no. That's supposed to be "family."


Well, I'm a lousy typist.


"Bequeath to my family the following."


Okay, give it here.


Samantha, read.


"To my youngest granddaughter, samantha,


"I leave you my sense of humor, my honesty...


And my cuteness."


"These are valuable things to have


"Because if humor and honesty get you into trouble,


You can always fall back on cuteness."


Pass it to julie.


"To my middle granddaughter, julie,


"I leave my curiosity, my thirst for knowledge,


"My desire to know what the world is all about.


"But I hope she's learned from me


"That sometimes it's better to be lucky than smart.


"After all, I was lucky enough to marry mildred wojieckski


"And have a family --


Three wonderful granddaughters and an average son."


"To my eldest granddaughter, katie,


"I leave my free spirit and zest for life.


"I also leave her my ability to be accepted for what you are,


"To be natural, unaffected, and unselfish.


I also leave her my beautiful, long eyelashes."


"To my roommate, joey, I leave a very messy room."


"I also leave my ability to treat kids like people,


"To never talk down to them,


"To listen to what they have to say,


And, above all, to love them and spoil them rotten."


"To my sin, carl."


Ooh, I'm sorry. That's, um...


[ Chuckles nervously ]


That's "to my son, carl."


"I leave my grouchiness, my stubbornness,


"And my talent for hollering at his family


With love and affection."


"To nell harper, I leave my talent for being a good friend.


"I also leave her my knack for knowing when to give advice


"And when to butt out.


"In addition to the above,


"I also want to leave nell


"Something near and dear to my heart --



My old philco radio with the loose tube."


Joey, you're gonna have to help me


Move back into our room.


Right, grandpa.


Samantha...


Here's your butter.


Thanks, grandpa.


Now, you girls, you go ahead


And make all the saturday-night dates you want.


The babysitter is home.


[ Nell sobbing ]


Oh, grandpapa, thank you for leaving me


Your old philco radio!


It was such a surprise.


I've got a better surprise for you, nell.


I'm not leaving you the philco.


What?


You can't cut me out of your will. I wrote it.


[ All talking at once ]


Nell, is there any sausage left over?


Chief, hold it down.


What's the matter?


Well, let's just not keep up any noise


Now that I got peace and quiet with the odd couple.


They're okay, huh?


Oh, chief, it was just like old times.


Joey always falls asleep with a bedtime story.


No, no, no, no.


Grandpapa fell asleep.


Well, I hope joey doesn't wake pop up again.


I wouldn't worry about it.


Joey promised that he was going to be extra quiet.


There will be no noise in that room tonight.


Good.


[ No audio ]


[ Snoring ]


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break