06x18 - Joey's Teacher

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪



♪ Gimme a break, now I know what it takes ♪


♪ I'm putting a new face on the old one ♪


♪ Ready for anything


♪ Playing with fate, not a moment too late ♪


♪ I'm showing the whole world nothing can get me down ♪


♪ O-o-o-oh


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ gimme a break


♪ 'Cause I sure need one ♪ gimme a break


♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ I finally know where I belong ♪


♪ Gimme a break!


[ Door opens ]


Joey, I'm home.


And I got it. I got it. I got it.


Look. Look here. Look!


I can't, aunt nell. It is time for "jerks in space."


Oh, joey, you can watch tv any old time.


I'm talking about true romance here.


Gertrude, your lonely nights


Next to the plastic diver are over, honey.


I got the answer to all of your girlish dreams.


Gertrude, meet gus. Go ahead.


Ha!


No! No, no. No!


Gus went straight for the plastic diver.


They told me at that pet store that gus was a boy.


Hey, aunt nell, come on. The show's going to start.


And I bet this week


The starship idiot is going to the moon!


Ah, honey, everybody's going to the moon.


It's getting to be like club med.


Announcerand now we join captain jerk


And his crew on the spaceship idiot,


Where the chicken and the egg are continuing


On their ridiculous voyage through space...


To go where no man has ever gone...


Or ever wants to.


♪ Fly me to the moon ♪


♪ And let me play among the stars ♪


Well, vidiots, here we are


On another pointless mission into outer space.


Today's totally unnecessary adventure is to saturn.


Saturn?


I though we were going to venus.


Nah, everybody goes to venus, chicken.


It's getting to be like club med.


I love this show.


Spaceships always go to popular planets.


Nobody ever goes to saturn, you know?


It's kind of like the dorky kid in the cafeteria --


Nobody wants to eat with him.


Well, planets have feelings, too,


So we're going to go to saturn.


Bingo, bango, bongo. Nothing can go wrongo.


[ Noisemaker whistling ]


Oh, boy! The laser whistle!


Well, vidiots,


You know what the laser whistle means.


It's time for "jerky things moms do."


I love this show.


Today's laser letter comes from vidiot joey donovan,


Greenwich village, new york, new york, planet earth.


Hey, aunt nell!


Aunt nell, captain jerk is reading my laser letter!


"Jerky things that moms do"?


And vidiot joey writes us, "the jerky thing my mom does


"Is when she puts molasses cookies in my lunch.


"She makes me tell everybody that they're homemade,


But she really buys them at the grocery store."


You told him that?


[ Noisemaker whistles ]


Had to blow the laser whistle on that one.


That is a truly jerky thing to do, mom.


It is, jerk?


Of course it is. Do chickens have lips?


[ Clucks ]


Sorry. No offense.


Good news, vidiots -- a commercial.


[ Laughs ] we'll be right back.


[ Noisemaker whistles ]


I don't believe this.


You told captain jerk that I don't make my own cookies,


And he told the entire city of new york?


I mean, I am totally humiliated!


I won't be able to hold my head up in that bakery again!


Aunt nell! What do you want, kid?


Who's gonna know?


Nobody but vidiots watch "jerks in space."


[ Telephone rings ]


Yeah, you're right. I don't have to worry that.


Hello?


No, grandpa,


I don't want your recipe for molasses cookies.


I thought you only watched the playboy channel, anyway.


Bye.


[ Telephone rings ]



Hello?


No, maggie,


I don't want your mama's recipe for molasses cookies.


Doesn't anybody read books anymore?


Aunt nell, come on. The commercial's over.


No. Please?


All right. Thank you.


Well, vidiots,


It's time for one more toot of the laser whistle.


You know what that means?


It's time for "laser jerk of the week."


[ Coughs ]


[ Noisemaker whistling ]


[ Clucking ]


[ Laughs ]


Hey, aunt nell, what happened?


Oh, honey, it's all part of the show --


You know, like when don johnson gets a flesh wound.


I tell you, I just love this show.


Announcerum, ladies and vidiots,


Captain jerk is temporarily unable to complete his mission.


Well, please stay tuned


For one of captain's favorite cartoons.


Aunt nell!


Aunt nell, it really was true!


Captain jerk swallowed his laser whistle!


They just said it on tv!


I'm sure they have a doctor down at the television station.


Now, stop worrying.


He'll be back on television tomorrow


So he can humiliate another mama.


Mama!


I was never so humiliated in all my life.


There I was,


Right down the block at crazy moe's television city,


When on comes captain jerk


And tells the whole world what kind of mother you are.


It was on television sets,


Two of them big-screens.


I can't believe you were watching captain jerk.


The man must have a bigger audience than cosby.


It's not bad enough that you give these children


Orange juice made out of concentrate.


But force them to tell lies about your cookies?


And I -- I have to learn about it all on television,


Television sets, two of them big-screens.


Mama, joey's letter was just a joke.


I mean, where is your sense of humor?


I lost it in the maternity ward when I had you.


You know, mama,


I got a gold medal for those molasses cookies,


And I was thinking of giving you a dozen.


Don't bother.


You probably gave some of those cookies to the fish.


That's why one of them is floating belly-up right now.


What?! Oh, no!


Mama, come here quick.


What? What?


At least he d*ed with a smile on his face.


Good girl, gertrude. Good girl.


[ Telephone ringing ]


Hello?


Yes, this is nell harper.


The hospital?


Yeah, I have blood stored with you.


Uh, it's a.b. Negative.


It's very, very rare --


Only in myself and two or three czars of russia.


I also have a five-octave range, too --


Also very rare.


Of course I'll hold on.


♪ Mi, mi, mi, mi


Well, maybe three.


Hi, doctor.


Of course I remember you, dr. Werner.


You're the cute little doctor with the big cold hands.


Mm-hmm.


An emergency? Who?


Captain jerk?


Well, he has my type?


Well, of course you can use my blood. Yeah.


Oh, and, doctor, if you need any more, just call me.


I'd be glad to come down and give you some...


More...blood.


Oh, doctor, doctor...


Bye-bye.


Hey, aunt nell, what happened to captain jerk?


Is he okay?


They had to take him to the hospital,


And they had to operate, and they needed a transfusion.


Luckily, they took him to the hospital


Where I have my blood stored, so they're gonna use it.


That's great, aunt nell!


You're saving captain jerk's life!


Ah, get out of here, kid. I'm not saving his life.


I guess you could say that I'm saving --


Yeah, I am, though. I'm saving his life.


Aunt nell, can we go to the hospital and see him?


I don't know, honey.


I tell you, first thing in the morning, I'll call and see.



You know what? What?


Maybe I can take captain jerk and the doctor


Some of my homemade molasses cookies.


Hi, guys.


Nell, here are the molasses cookies you told me to buy.


They're good.


Oh, hi, there. Can I help you?


Yes, we'd like to see captain jerk.


I'm nell harper.


Oh, you're nell harper.


Listen, you have really done the world a great service.


I have three kids.


If anything happened to captain jerk,


I don't know what they'd do.


Well, all I did


Was give a couple of pints of incredibly rare blood.


What room is captain jerk in?


.


Oh, but there's hospital rules --


Only three visitors at a time.


He's already got two there.


Two people came over from the show --


You know, the chicken and the egg.


Wow!


I've just got to ask you this.


Which came first -- the chicken or the egg?


I think it was the chicken. Why?


Never mind. Never mind.


Why don't I go upstairs and get rid of those two people,


And I'll come back and get you two?


Give him my get-well card.


Give it to him when you go up there.


I'll just stay here and read this issue of time magazine


About jimmy carter's inaugural ball.


Hi. I'm nell harper.


I'm the lady that saved captain jerk


From the jaws of death.


Want my picture?


Hi. I'm nell harper.


Thanks, charlie. See you at showtime.


You sure you want to do the show from the hospital?


Sure, now that they got the whistle out of me.


You know what it's like to have a whistle inside you?


Every time I take a deep breath, a taxicab pulls over.


Every time I go to the men's room,


It sounds like a police raid.


Oh, no, we got to stop laughing.


The stitches are k*lling me.


Is everything all right in here, captain jerk?


Everything is fine, nurse chavez. Thank you.


Okay. I'll be back later on.


Nothing can go wrongo!


That's all they got in this hospital


Are w*tbacks and blacks.


I swear to god,


I haven't seen one white person since I got in here.


Place looks like a carwash.


Can you believe this?


In the emergency ward,


They tried to stick me with a doctor


As black as the ace of spades.


How would that look at the next meeting


Of americans for a white america?


Yeah, can you imagine the king saved by the ace of spades?


Oh, don't make me laugh.


Thank you.


Hi.


May I help you?


I'd like to see captain jerk. I'm nell harper.


Oh, ms. Harper. Go right in.


I'm sure he'll be thrilled


To see the woman who saved his life.


Boy, were you lucky. Captain jerkoh, it wasn't luck.


The good lord doesn't want me to die.


That blood was delivered by a messenger from god.


Chickengod sent you a messenger?


Yeah, I mean, the good lord knows


That I am grand commander of americans for a white america.


You know, of course he does.


He knows how dangerous black people are.


That's why he made us white like him.


As soon as they're all back in africa,


The streets will be safe for our kind.


Amen, boss.


Anyway, we got a show to do and kids to think about.


"Well, vidiots,


You see we're not in the spaceship idiot today..."


Oh, hey, here she is.


This is the lady that gave her blood


To save captain jerk's life.


♪ For she's a jolly good fellow ♪


♪ Which nobody can deny


Did you see captain jerk? Did you see him?


Uh, not exactly.


Joey, I want you to stay down here for a little while.


Your aunt addy and I really need to go up


And see captain jerk alone, okay?


We'll be right back.


We're not taking the elevator. We're taking the steps.


Don't ask any questions. Just go.



[ Knock on door ]


Captain jerk?


Kid.


Kid. Kid.


Come in.


What is it, son?


This is vidiot joey donovan, sir.


I was told I couldn't see you, but I just had to.


Here. I brought you a card.


You're the best, captain.


Is this great, guys?


What is the vidiot pledge, donovan?


"I will follow captain jerk foolishly into outer space.


"I will clean up my room, brush my teeth after every meal,


And never take accordion lessons."


Bingo, bango, bongo. Nothing can go wrongo. Bingo, bango, bongo. Nothing can go wrongo.


You're all right. Sit down, joey.


[ Grunts ]


You know what, captain jerk? What?


It was my aunt's blood that saved your life.


No kidding.


Your aunt? Yeah.


Yeah. Is she here?


Well, yeah. She's somewhere here in the hospital.


Well, tell her I'd like to thank her.


As a matter of fact, I'll thank her right on the air.


On the air? Live.


Well, that's great, captain jerk! [ Grunts ]


I'll go get her right now! Just stay right here! [ Grunts ]


Drain captain jerk's blood?


Yeah.


Nell, where are we gonna find leeches at this time of year?


Joeyhey, aunt nell!


Aunt nell,


Captain jerk wants to thank you for saving his life


On live tv right now!


Let's not keep america waiting, honey.


Okay.


Bingo, bango, bongo.


He about to meet a lady from the congo.


[ Noisemaker whistles ]


Well, vidiots, this is captain jerk.


And, boy, do I feel like one.


I feel like one too. So do i.


Let's all have one.


Oh, nurse. Oh, nurse. Oh, nurse.


Yesterday, our spaceship went through a stupid warp,


And I got a case of the stupids.


I swallowed my laser whistle.


Oh, my gosh!


I'm hatching!


If it weren't for the blood of a donor named nell harper,


I wouldn't be here today.


And I understand that ms. Harper


Is right here at midtown memorial hospital.


And she's agreed to say hello, vidiots.


Here she comes, captain jerk! Oh, great.


Let's all give a warm vidiot salute


To the earthling with a heart.


This is vidiot joey donovan's aunt.


This is a woman who gave her blood to save my life.


Her name is nell harper.


A big one for her, guys.


Hi.


[ Noisemaker whistles ]


He's trying to say he swallowed the whistle!


Doctor! Doctor!


Joey, honey, look, I think we really should get home.


Aunt nell, aunt nell, I just want to see


If captain jerk is going to be okay.


Aunt nell, he's just got to be okay!


Joey, listen, you have to calm down.


Why don't we all just sit down here for a few minutes, okay?


I want to talk to you.


Joey, um...


Some things have come up about captain jerk recently,


I mean, that we didn't know.


I know you think that he's a very special guy and all,


But, well, he's not really... Who he seems.


What do you mean?


Well, you see, a lot of times, people on television


Are not the same as they are in real life.


Aunt nell, you didn't really think


Captain jerk had a spaceship, did you?


Honey, that's not what aunt nell means.


Joey...


We just found out that captain jerk


Is the head of an organization of people who believe


That if you aren't white, you're inferior.


You're wrong, aunt nell.


Captain jerk likes everybody. He --


Yes, honey, captain jerk does,


But not the guy up there in the hospital bed.


They're two completely different people.


Aunt nell, I'm telling you, you are mixed up.


Child, honey, listen. Wait. Listen to me. Listen.


Okay. We'll talk about this later.


We will talk about this later, okay?


We won't do this now.


There are some things...



That you're just too young to understand.


You wanted to see me?


Oh, yeah.


I-i waited an hour to -- to give you something.


Oh?


It's, uh... It's in the drawer there.


Take it out.


Oh, thank you!


But we prefer fried chicken.


No, not that. The money. The money.


There's over $ there.


It's yours if you call the newspaper


And tell them it was not your blood


They gave me in that transfusion.


I don't need your money. I have a good job.


I'm a messenger from god.


Who said you're a messenger from god?


Why, you did, grand commander.


We must be talking about two different gods, too.


I can't believe your god tells you to do this.


My god tells me to love, not to hate.


You don't understand.


If my friends find out I have your blood in my veins --


Let's see. There are pints of blood in a human body.


You gave me five pints.


That means I'm % n*gro.


That's right.


You're already blacker than whitney houston.


What if...


What if you told them you were hawaiian?


How are you feeling? Not very good.


I'm -- I'm starting to get those pains again.


I'd better call the doctor.


There could be some more bleeding.


Well, bye-bye.


No. But wait. You heard what she said.


I-i may need some more of your blood.


Why should I give you blood?


I could die.


So?


What kind of a human being are you?


All right, all right.


All right. I take back what I said.


I'll take the money.


I can take all my people out for some fried chicken.


No, on second thought, I think I'm gonna donate this


To the united n*gro college fund...


In your name.


Okay, captain, we'll have you fixed up in no time at all.


Ms. Harper here just donated another pint of blood.


She did?


My aunt nell was right about you.


What are you doing? I told you to wait downstairs.


Aunt nell, why are you giving him more blood?


Honey, look,


When another human being needs your help,


You just step in and help.


You don't ask questions.


Listen, we just have to hope and pray


That when captain jerk gets well


And he leaves the hospital a healthy man,


That, well, he gets hit by a bus.


I can't wait to get back to school


And tell all my friends what kind of person you really are.


Maybe it'd be a good idea if you two stepped out.


And from now on, I am watching nothing but mickey mouse.


Good for you, honey.


Yeah, and mickey mouse is black.


Mickey mouse is black.


Oh, my god. I never thought of that.


And I happen to know that goofy is jewish.


Aunt nell, this is the worst.


I wanted to be just like captain jerk.


I'll never look up to anyone again.


Oh, sweetheart, don't ever say that.


Come on.


You can't lose faith in people.


I mean, they don't all let you down.


I mean, come on. Look at me.


Now, you have always idolized me, right?


And I'm perfect.


I mean, some even say that I'm a messenger from god.


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break