05x10 - The Hostess

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing )

Was that the papers? Are you asleep, richard? I'm surprised you can sleep.

You know it's an importan day for me.

Mmm? I'll be surprised if you can sleep much longer.

Did you bol the door? The door? It's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall.

What time is it? It's the early hours of the morning.

A particularly dangerous time for intruders.

Why? What happens to them? Oh, don't be silly, dear.

I'm only thinking of our safety.

I don't want you worrying about intruders.

I wasn't worrying, I was asleep.

Lucky you.

I might be asleep if I thought you'd bolted the door.

Why don't I go and bolt the door? Oh, richard, would you? What a kind thought.

And see if the paper's come while you're there.

Oh, that's wha this is all about.

I though I heard a noise.

It might have been the paper.

Could've been an intruder.

And check the back door while you're there.

( Brakes squeak )

There it is.

Have a good look, lad.

That's the house.

The lair of the dragon lady.

Mrs.

Buck

-

- "Bouquet.

" She's why we get up an hour early.

Because it's worth it, just to be able to walk down that path and deliver her milk without getting caught.

( Inhales deeply )

Do you want me to go? All right better not.

I promised your mother I'd look after you.

Ben, you take that side.

I'll go.

I can do it.

( Inhales )

Just as long as I know she's safely in bed.

I can't hear you checking, richard.

( Groans )

Answer me.

I can't hear you checking.

I'm checking as I go.



- Hyacinth: as quick as you can, dear.



- ( Gasps )

( Glass shatters )



- What happened?

- What are you

-

- What are you doing up at this hour? It's a good question.

Richard? She's not getting up, is she? What kind of a man are you making your wife get up this early? She's not getting up.

Can I have tha in writing?

- I hope so.



- Right.

I'll clear this lot up.

Just make quite sure that she's not getting up.



- Who were you talking to?

- The milkman.

Why is he always so early nowadays? I miss our little chats.

Yes, so does he at every opportunity.

Richard, you're not going back to sleep again? It doesn't look like it.

Surely you're a little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career.

Yeah, I am a little excited.

I'm very sleepy and a little excited.

Please, can we get back to sleep? All

-Ll right.

It's no good.

I must be up when the paperboy comes.

Suppose when he pushes it through our letterbox he tears the very page displaying my advertisement?

- I thought you were going.



- I was going.

But hyacinth keeps popping out every 30 seconds like a demented cuckoo clock.

Oh, I'm never going to make I without her spotting me.



- I thought you wanted to be early today.



- I did want to be early, but not so badly tha I want to get entangled with hyacinth.

You can't jus stay indoors because you might meet hyacinth.

Oh, yes I can.

I know when I'm well off.

There she goes again.

What on earth is she doing? Go on, now's your chance.

I'm never going to make it.

Well, you won' if you don't hurry.

I though I heard him.

How can you hear a paperboy half asleep in trainers? How much noise could he make?

- I do hate I when they're late.



- Is he late? Perhaps I'd better make a phone call.

Who would you call for a lost paperboy? You can't call anybody.

He won't be lost, he'll be on his way.

I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately, because I made him wash his ears.

What gave you cause to do that? I caught him poking them.

I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears.

You brough the paperboy in to wash his ears? Good heavens, no, richard.

Of course I didn't.

Do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paperboy indoors? No, I took him ou a wet wipe.

And I stood over him until he'd done the job properly.

I may not be able to influence many of the ways of this world, but at leas my paperboy has clean ears.

Paperboy.

( Hyacinth singing )

Oh, what a beautiful

-

- Coo

-Ee! Good morning, emmet.



- Off to work then?

- No, no.

I thought I'd just pop ou and begin strangling overpowering ladies.

Oh, that's nice.

Have you seen the paperboy? So that's who you're waiting for.

I have an advertisemen in the paper this morning.

I want to make sure they've placed I somewhere suitable.

I know what you mean, hyacinth.

There are certain things that we encounter in life that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable.

Ah, there he is now.

About time.

I'm sorry, emmet, I can't stop to converse.

We must have our cha some other time.

Young man! ( Hyacinth panting )

Well, wha has happened to you? Have you ever tried to catch a paperboy? Tea.

Tea.



- ( Sighs )



- Is your advert in? See if you can find it, will you, dear? Oh

-

- I can't focus properly.

The world's dancing about.

Oh.

Mm

-Mm.

Oh, I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring.

Now that my advertisement's appeared I shall be inundated with calls.

You'll have to help me, richard.

Are you sure it's in this week? Look for somewhere prestigious.

It's quite small, but they promised specifically

- To put I somewhere prestigious.



- And what does it say? "Experienced hostess offers her services for your special occasion.

" Followed by my telephone number.

Well, is that all? No wonder I can't find it.

Short and dignified, dear.

You know me, I'm never one to go on at length.

( Cockney accent )

Not a lot of people know that.



- Oh, ah

-

-

- Don't be silly, dear.

Don't be silly.

Here it is, here it is.

Short and dignified.

( Sighs )

It's a big day for me, richard.

This could be the star of something important.

I could become the barbara cartland of the west midlands social circuit scene.

Yes, not to mention "a paperboy wet

-Wiper of the year.

" It's not jus a career, richard.

It's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well

-Laid table.

In my own small way, I shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living.

For my advanced classes, I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers.

Oh

-Hh, I do hope you'll stop me, richard, if I ever decide to chase another paperboy.

Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone? You used to like me in that pink dress.

You used to say, "wow, daise, that pink dress.

" ( Groans )

What was it you liked about my pink one? Your pink what? My pink dress.

You said you liked me in that pink dress.

Oh, daise.

What kind of way is tha to wake a person up? Other people get a cup of tea.

You said I looked "really edible" in that pink dress.

You haven't go a pink dress.

Not now, you tore I off me that night.



- I tore it off you?

- Yes, you did.

You must have been on fire.

It was you that was on fire.

You said I looked like "a strawberry ice with caramel topping.

" You had to be prevented from licking me all over.

( Slurps )

How long ago was this? It was before we were married.

I figured that much.

Will you come here a moment, dear? Tell me does this look suitable? For what? For answering the telephone.

Does it really matter what you look like answering the phone? Well, of course it matters, richard.

People have a right to expec their social advisor to be suitably attired when answering the telephone.



- ( Phone rings )



- Oh! Richard, it could be my first client! ( Ringing continues )

The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Oh, it's you, violet.

Look, violet, I can't stay long on the telephone, dear.

I'm expecting some very importan business calls.

I don't remember tearing your dress off.

Are you sure you were with me?

- Do you mind?

- I don't usually tear your dress off.

I've noticed.

You've usually got it off before I get through the door.

It was one of rose's engagement parties.

Yeah.

Well, that doesn' narrow it down much.

Your rose has had more engagement parties than I've had bags of crisps.

I heard that.



- Father's already up and dressed.



- What's his hurry? Oh, he goes to his hobby circle today.

But that's no till this evening.



- He doesn't wan to be late.



- Daisy: rose? Mm

-Mm? Who were you getting engaged to when I wore a pink dress? A pink dress? I can't remember.

Me neither.

It was at one of your engagement dos.

( Squeals )

What was I wearing? Well, it wouldn't be white, I can tell you that much.



- But where are we going?

- Now sit there, richard.

And then you won' miss any calls.

I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge.

No, you'll be quite comfy, dear.

Read something.

Look, the telephone book.

Now, I won' be a moment.

I'm simply going to invite elizabeth for coffee.

But why don't you phone her? That's what you normally do.

Richard, we have to keep this line free.

It's bad enough that calls from people responding to my advertisemen will have to take their turn stacking up at the exchange, without making bt's life even more difficult.

Now, we may have to have a second line installed.



- But, hyacinth

-

-

- No, anyway if there's a call for me, fetch me immediately.

I'll do that.

Oh, and do answer the telephone nicely, richard.

The way I do.

( Telephone ringing )

The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.

No, I do not have a special offer on spicy prawn balls.

This is no the chinese take

-Away.

And will you please get off my white slimline telephone with last number redial? We'll soon find ou when it was.

I've got rose sorting out photos from her engagement parties.

Well, you'd better give her the hand to carry them, otherwise she'll give herself a hernia.

( Bangs )

( Tv plays )

Some of rose's photos in here, somewhere.

( Groans )

We could pu that album on one side.

Those are my early ones.

Yes, we can forget abou the black and white ones.

And the sepia.

( Giggles )

Ooh

-

-!

- There you are, dear.



- Thank you, hyacinth.

I'm so glad you could come, elizabeth.

But don't be surprised if I have to dash off to answer the telephone.

Sounds very exciting, this new venture of yours, hyacinth.

Yes, doesn't it? Also, I feel it's a duty on my part, you know? Good taste is so very rare these days.

There's a whole world out there in need of my advice

-

-

- Cream?

- Oh, thank you, hyacinth.

What exactly are the services you're offering? Oh, everything connected with social etiquette and gracious entertaining.

Sugar? Thank you.

Everything from how to lay a table in the manner of your social betters

-

- Oh, no tongs.



-

-To advice on menus for the unimaginative.

"Unimaginative"? Mm

-Mm.

The kind of things people experience at my candleligh suppers.

I wouldn't mind a coffee.

Richard, go and si by the telephone, dear.

We will hear I in here.

Excuse me, elizabeth.

Do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.

Now look, richard, I cannot be in two places at once.

I want you to sit here with pencil at the ready to take down names and addresses.

( Voice rising )

But I can hear the telephone perfectly well in the kitchen.

Shh

-Hh! Precisely.

Delicious, aren't they? Look I couldn' say this in fron of elizabeth, but she does have this unfortunate habi of dropping something every time the telephone rings.

If this happens, I might be distracted

-

- Torn between the ringing and the fate of my polished table or handmade burmese rug.

Now, sit here with your pencil at the ready.

( Mocking )

"Sitting with my pencil at the ready.

" Oh, I liked him.

I wish you'd married this one.

Oh, that one? Yes, it looked all right, but it was underpowered.

He was underpowered.

Any more breakfast? You've drunk it all.

Who's this? When were you engaged to this? I don't know.

Are you sure it's one of mine? Well, that's you on his arm.

( Chuckles )

Oh, yes.

I don't remember him at all.

92 93

- ( Glass rattles )



- Would you like a little top

-Up, dear? Oh, no, no, no, that's fine.

Thank you, hyacinth.

Well, you mustn' let it get cold.

I shall also advise, of course, on appropriate music for elegant soireã‰es.

And I know just the person to help me there.

Emmet.

We get on so well, your brother and i.

I'm sure he'd enjoy working out a program with me.

Oh, soggy "bickies.

" Emmet's very busy, hyacinth.

Perhaps on special occasions the two of us could perform together musically.

Only for my very bes clients, of course.

I want this whole thing to be stately and gracious.

The essence of the ar of entertaining lies, I always think, in establishing an atmosphere of grace and decorum.



- ( Telephone ringing )



- Oh! The "bouquet" residence, the lady of the house speaking.

Oh, it's you, daisy.

It's my sister daisy.

She's not the one with the mercedes, sauna, and room for a pony.

Oh, richard

-

- Get ou of the way, dear.

Oh richard, you're always in the way, dear.

Daisy, what is it, dear? Look, I can't stay long on the telephone.

This is now a business line.

I'm expecting clients to call.

How's daddy? Oh, dear daddy.

Daddy's gone to his hobby circle.

I knew daddy was a born philatelist.

Do I remember who, dear? Rose's fianceã‰s? Yes, I'm afraid I do remember rose's fianceã‰s.

The one in the green suit? No, I mean, I can' remember his name, but I do vaguely remember someone in a green suit.

Richard, whom did rose become engaged to in a green suit? I don't think I've ever seen rose in a green suit.

Not her, him.

Or should that be, "not she, he"? Thank you for the coffee, hyacinth.

Always a pleasure, elizabeth.

I'd rather you didn't climb over the wall, dear.

Somebody who's read my advertisemen might just happen to be watching.

You will tell emme about my little plans for him? Oh, I think perhaps you'd better tell him.

I'm sure he'd be thrilled.

I'm sure he'll be more than thrilled.

And tell him he mustn't be shy.

I'll be there with him.

He'll be with someone who knows how to conduct herself in social situations.

( Loudly )

Hyacinth, telephone! ( Softly )

Richard! Please don't shou in the street.

It's not like you to go about shouting in the street.

You've got a client.

How do I look? How do I look? Hello.

"Scintillating socializing.

" Senior soireã‰e staff supervisor speaking.

Yes.

How many are you? 20? Oh, no, we enjoy the larger functions.

Yes.

No good being elegan if there's no one there to see it.

Our fees? Oh, well, I'm sure that normal professional rates will be adequate.

Yes, I think I can promise you you're in for a treat.

Address? 24A market street.

That's nice and central.

Yes, and time? 6:00.

And when? Today.

Today?! No, well it is rather short notice, but don't worry, we shan't let you down.

Goodbye.

Oh, richard richard, my first clients.

20 People, all wanting to improve their social graces.

Hyacinth: emmet! My musical friend.

Hyacinth, you look amazing.

Thank you.

I'm going consulting.

Soon? I hope.

Immediately.

I'm on my way now if only richard would stop dawdling.



- Rich

-Ard!

- ( Screams )

What a pity emmet couldn't come.

I'm sure he was devastated.

He would have so enjoyed it.

I don't know who these people are, but they're clearly interested in music.

They invited me to bring my own.

Why did they need music? Background, dear.

Mind the pedestrian.

She is on the pavement.

She migh decide to cross.

Er

-

- Minding the pedestrian.

I can't see 24a, can you? I can' even see 24.

Stop the car.

( Brakes squeal )

We must have passed it.

Reverse, richard.

I can't 'cause this is a one

-Way street.

Oh, really.

Fancy choosing a one

-Way street.

I didn't choose it.

We'll have to walk back.

Come along, richard.

Don't dawdle.

I mustn' be late.

I'm on the double

-

-

- Oh, here it is.



- What, above a shop? Why not? A group of like

-Minded enthusiasts needs somewhere central to hold their meetings.

Now, wait here, richard.

I'll go and relieve their minds.

They must be wondering where I've got to.

And I'll find ou what time you should come back and pick me up.



- Hello, richard.



- David, hello.

Let you ou on your own, has she? ( Laughs )

Oops, sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

It just slipped out.

Oh, it's all right.

That's no a very subtle observation, is it? Fairly accurate, all the same.

If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been married now? 32 Years.

32 Years? Good heavens.

Still, look on the bright side, you should be due for parole soon.

( Laughs )

Come along, richard.

What's the matter? What is it? What a mercy I didn't bring my royal doulton with the hand

-Painted periwinkles.

Where are we going?

- We're going home.



- Home? Get this door open, richard.

Oh, give me those keys.

It can't be over already.

It is for me.

They misread my advert.

They were all men and they though I was going to be a striptease artist.

( Mutters )

Can you imagine? Now don't get settled, richard.

You have one last task to perform.



- What's that?

- To go back into number 24a.

Why, for goodness sake? To get daddy out.

( Theme music playing )