10x02 - Reunion Special: Part 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "As Time Goes By". Aired: 12 January 1992 – 14 December 2005.*
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It follows the relationship between two former lovers who meet unexpectedly after not having been in contact for 38 years.
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10x02 - Reunion Special: Part 2

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ a kiss is still a kiss ♪

♪ a sigh is just a sigh ♪

♪ the fundamental things apply ♪

♪ as time goes by ♪

[ Music fades... ]

I like holding hands
with policemen.

I’d sooner you put that
in the singular, really.

Sorry, sarge.

I like holding hands
with pregnant women.

Oh, do that a lot, do you?

Only lately.

As you’re C.I.D.,

you won’t be wearing
a uniform again, will you?

I’d stick out if I did.

I liked you in uniform.

Well, when we get
somewhere to live,

I’ll wear it
around the house.

There’s no rush.

Jean says we can stay
with her and Lionel

for as long as we like.

And what does
Lionel think?

Ooh, I don’t expect
he knows yet.

[ Laughs ]
That sounds
about right.

No, they’re
nice people,

but we need a place
of our own.

I’ll never forget how kind
they’ve been to me.

When I moved in, you know,
I was in a bit of a mess

and they gave me some security
when I needed it most.

I know they did.

But there was always a sort of
calm about this house... oh!

[ Gasps ]
Are you all right?

Yes. What did you
do that for?

Shh, shh!

[ Whispers ] I’ve been
waiting for you.

Sandy:
Why?
Shh, shh!

Shh!
Why?

Jean: Shh...

[ Whispers ] May I ask
what’s going on?

It’s Lionel.

He’s got somebody with him.

Then why are you
in here?

Because he may not
want me in there.

Sit down.

Um... why are we
whispering?

Because I don’t want
Lionel to think

I’m talking to anybody
about him.

So if he comes in,
don’t say anything to him.

Why ever not?

Because he may not
want you to.

I’m not making much sense,
am I?

You’ve done better.

This person Lionel’s with
is from Kenya.

He says that Lionel’s
his father.

His father?!

That’s what he called him.

But I thought Lionel
said that he and....
Margaret.

...Margaret didn’t have
any children?
He did.

Well, who’s this bloke then?
Well, to start with, he’s black.

[ Gasps ]
Well, that can only mean...

It was a pretty
loveless marriage.

So Lionel played
away from home?

Harry...
No, that’s all I can think.

Well, what does Lionel say?

I don’t really know.

They just fell into
each other’s arms,

so I left them to it.

That’s not like you.

I know-- I don’t
function very well
in a state of shock.

I don’t know what to do.

Well, there is a way
to find out.

Criminal records?

No. Go in there and ask.

I can’t just waltz in and say,
"Lionel, is this your son?"

Well, no, but things
are bound to come up

in the conversation,
aren’t they?

You know, telltale things.

One thing’s for sure.

They obviously know each other.

Well, if Lionel is his father,
they would, wouldn’t they?

I can’t understand
why Lionel never mentioned it.

Maybe he thought
it would never come up.

Well, it has come up--
with a vengeance.

And one way or another,
I’ve got to find out.

Well, I can’t not go
in there, can I?

No.
No.

One thing, Harry.

Can you arrest somebody

for somebody claiming
he’s your father?

I don’t think so.

[ Chuckles ]
No.

Well, I’ll go in there.

I’ll just do that now.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Hmm...

[ Humming casually... ]

[ Talking quietly ]

Hello again.

Where have you been?
Been?

Yes. You shoveled Patrick
in here and then disappeared.

Well, I just thought
you’d both like a cup of tea...

And then I decided
you probably didn’t,
so I didn’t make one.

Oh, I see.

Anyway, you haven’t
been introduced.

Patrick, this is Jean.

Jean, I’ve told you
about Patrick.

No. Hello, Patrick.

I’m very pleased
to meet you.

Do sit down.

So... all the way
from Kenya, eh, Patrick?

All the way from Kenya.

Lionel was in Kenya.

Well, of course
you know that.

Thankfully for me, yes.

I must write to
my brothers and sisters

and tell them that you got
married again.

Brothers and sisters?

Three brothers
and two sisters.

Well, well...
That’s quite a family.

We wouldn’t have been
if it wasn’t for Lionel.

Lionel?

What?

You didn’t tell me.

Oh, I’m sure I mentioned it.

I wouldn’t have gone on
about it, I admit that.

It would have been a bit
like blowing my own trumpet.

You had plenty to blow
your own trumpet about.

Yes.

No, I had the time,
that’s all.

I had the money then as well.

What did Margaret say?

Oh, not a great deal, but I knew
she didn’t really approve.

I have to say she wasn’t
the most understanding
of women.

No...

At the end of the day,
I suppose she said,

"oh, just get on with it."

Oh!

Look, Lionel...

Yes?

Look, Patrick.

Yes?

Well, all these children.

When I answered the door, you
said you’d found your father.

Oh!

Yes, "oh!"

We all called
Lionel "father."

What did your mother say?

She called him
"father" as well.

Your mother called
Lionel "father?"

Yes.

Her husband didn’t
call me "father."

Well, thank goodness
for that.

He was a good man, Joseph.

He used to work
on the coffee plantation.

But when he d*ed,
there was very little money,

and for my mother
to raise us on her own,

it would have been very hard.

So Lionel helped us...
In so many ways.

We all got a good schooling

and he became like
a father to the family.

That’s why we all called him
our father.

Well, I was very fond
of Joseph.

I’m sure I told you all this.

Yes, yes, you did.

[ Laughing ]
I remember now.

Oh... oh, it is good
to meet you, Patrick!

And now Patrick’s over here

to start work
at a teaching hospital.

One day I will be a surgeon.

That is the dream.

Oh, it’s wonderful.

I’m so plea... oh, Patrick,
I’m so pleased to meet you!

You’re a fine boy!

Thank you.

Just excuse me a tick.

Harry! Sandy!
Come and meet Patrick!

She’s a very warm lady,
your wife.

Yes, very.

You didn’t ever tell me,
you know.

Well, I thought I did.

Does it really matter?

No secrets, we said.

I don’t remember us
ever saying that.

Well, that’s something else
you’ve forgotten.

Is there anything else you only
think you’ve told me about?

I went skinny-dipping once.

Skinny-dipping?

Yeah.

Somebody’s birthday
at somebody’s farm

and some of the wives
got a bit frisky
on the punch

and decided to go
skinny-dipping in the pool.

And you jumped in with them?

No, I fell in.

It amounts to the same thing.

No, it doesn’t--
I had all my clothes on.

What did Margaret say?

Not a lot-- she’d passed out
on a sun-lounger.

Why did you never tell me
about these wild parties before?

Because there weren’t any.

Long distances in Kenya,
you see.

We rarely got together and all
we generally did was play cards.

Hmm, strip poker.

Bridge.

I’m glad you asked Patrick
to come for lunch.

Well, he’s a nice lad...

And you know what
young doctors are like.

They never eat enough.

No, I didn’t know that
about young doctors.

Of course,
having been a nurse,

I suppose you’d know all sorts
of things about young doctors.

All right, all right.

It was really kind, what you did
for Patrick and his family.

Well, I’ve got to have
one good thing to take

to the pearly gates with me.

It must have come
as quite a shock

when Patrick turned up
and asked to see his father.

No, no, no, I... I knew he
didn’t mean it literally.

How did you know that?

Well, because...

I knew there would be
an obvious explanation.

Oh, I see.

I really did think
I’d told you.

Well, in any case,
it all came out

quite naturally
in the conversation,
as I knew it would.

You looked very green
about the gills until it did.

I did not!

In fact, I...
You didn’t really think

I was Patrick’s father,
did you?

Don’t be ridicu... I wonder
if anyone fancies a drink?

Thanks for all the help,
ladies-- very instructive.

Ciao!

Yes?

[ Cell phone ringing ]

Alistair Deacon.

Who?

Stephen, hi!

L.T.N.S.!

"Long time no see."

Yeah, yeah.

What? Help?

But of course,
"help" is my middle name.

Ah, perfect.

No, no, really, really.

Judy and I are popping
around there later anyway.

Yeah... O.K.

Catch you then.

Ciao!

Yes?

They keep turning up
like bad pennies, those two.

Oh, well, they did phone.

Oh, yes, a whole
hour’s warning.

Typical Penny
and Stephen.

What are you
doing, anyway?

I’m looking for something.

That cupboard’s going
to burst open one day.

Perhaps you could help?

I don’t even know
what you’re looking for.

Look, I can’t even
get in because of this.

Would you mind
moving that?

Right.

God, what’s in here,
an anvil?

Your coffee machine.

Why isn’t it in the kitchen?

Well, I couldn’t
get on with it.

It kept hissing and
spitting steam everywhere.

"Couldn’t get on with it!"

I didn’t realize
you had to have

a personal bond
with a coffee machine.

Would you mind just
moving the box, please?

Certainly.

Now, don’t you worry.

You’ll be back in your
cupboard in a minute.

I thought you were helping?

I still don’t know
what you’re looking for.

A hamper.

Isn’t it a bit cold
for picnics?

It’s for Patrick.

I want to pack it
with food.

Why?

Well, I told you--
young doctors don’t eat enough.

Patrick... would you like
a hamper of food?

No, thank you.

I’ve just had
a very good lunch.

But... what about your digs?
Do you eat properly there?

I’m sure I will.

They’re not squalid,
are they, your digs?

No, no... they are
very pleasant.

I have to put up
with sharing

with three girls,
but I cope.

[ Both chuckle ]

So, we put all this
back now, I suppose?

Well, it won’t go back
on its own.

Let me help.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I’ll get that.

Hello, Penny.

Hello, Stephen.

Mention map-reading to me
and I shall scream.

Hello, Sandy.

Jean told us
about the baby.

My word, you look
prettier than ever.

Doesn’t she look
prettier than ever, pen?

You’ll never get your figure
back, you know that?

What are you doing?

Mining.

And who’s this?

Oh, this is Patrick...
Lionel’s son.

Why did Patrick
have to go so early?

Well, five minutes with Penny
is usually enough.

My god, that woman can talk!

Is she telling you
you’ll lose your figure now?

No, but she’s still insisting
that I’m a mountie.

Judy: Mum?

We’re in the kitchen!

Hello...
Why is everyone in here?

’cause Penny’s out there.

Oh-- enough said.

There’s a lack of moral fiber
in this house.

What are you doing here then?

Lack of moral fiber.

Hello, Judy, what are
you doing here?

Meeting Alistair.

Well, this is the place
for meetings.

I must go anyway.

Oh, don’t listen to grumpy.

No, I’ve got to start
looking at estate agents.

Why?

We’ve got to find
somewhere to live.

You’ll look for somewhere
close by, won’t you?

I’ll look,
but Holland park

on a detective
sergeant’s salary...?

Are you sure you don’t want me
to come with you?

No, wait till we’ve got
some places to look at.

Anyway, you’ve got
family to talk to.

They are not my family.

Be very grateful for that.

Oh, I am.

Come on, I’ll see you off.

Perhaps we should look
at somewhere like Balham?

Balham?

It’s not Siberia.

Why don’t they just stay
here with us?

Hey, hey!
Hello, young lovers.

Hello, Alistair.

Mmm...
See you later.

So long as we’re
in hugging mood...

My hugs are reserved
these days, Alistair.

No chance of making
a reservation, then?

No.

Oh, well.

I don’t know how that young man
will survive over here.

I’m sure supermarkets
don’t sell cow’s blood.

Cow’s blood?

Why would he want
cow’s blood?

Well, that’s what indigenous
Kenyan people live on.

You’re thinking
of the Masai.

Patrick’s Kikuyu.

Oh, how could you
possibly know that?

He told me.

Hey, hey!
Steve and pen!

Hello, Alistair.

Don’t listen to
anything he says.

He only said "hello."

I was referring
to his inane idea.

Stephen has an inane idea.

Really? How nice.

Coffee?

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Well, come on, Stephen.

No, no, don’t listen.

Well, I’m not
going to sit here

with my hands
over my ears.

Come on, Steve.

Great ideas are like bats.

They deserve to see
the light of day.

I thought bats
were nocturnal.

Come on Stephen, do.

Here goes then.

Well, as you know,
I’ve retired from dentistry--

teeth lose their appeal
after 30 years--

and I’ve been looking ’round
for something else to do...

Something with a bigger
profile, actually.

I like it.
Anything in mind?

Yes. I’ve decided to try
to become a celebrity.

What kind of celebrity?

A sort of general celebrity,
I suppose

I told you
it was inane.

Stephen, I don’t think
you qualify.

Well, there aren’t any exams
to pass or anything.

You just become one.

I mean, look at all those
celebrities on television.

They have a wonderful time,

but I don’t know
what half of them do.

I mean, what does that
Tara para what’s-her-name
actually do?

I don’t know.

Well, there you are then.

And she is a big celeb.
Exactly.

I’m beginning to think
he’s losing his reason.

So that’s why I wanted
to talk to you, Alistair.

You know about these things.

How does one go about it?

Yes, I’d like to know that.

Well... it helps to be
good at something.

Well, does
dentistry count?

Perhaps you could be
like a "dentist to the stars."

I did a filling for someone
who was in an ice show once.

Big name?

She played a cat.

Doesn’t quite cut it,
I’m afraid, Steve.

Then there was
Laurence Olivier.

You did Larry’s teeth?!

No, but he played a dentist in
that film with that other chap.

You’re losing
the thread, Stephen.

That may be for the best.

I agree.

Do you think
being a grandmother’s

going to age you
terribly, Jean?

Anything else, Alistair?

Well, yes, um... good P.R.

Get into the "red-tops."

Be seen in all
the right kind of places

with the right eye-candy
on your arm.

Eye-candy?

Girls.

How do you know?

I read it in the times.

Not just any old girls,
li-- models.

Don’t suppose you know
any models, do you, Steve?

Of course he doesn’t.

Well, that’s where
you’re wrong.

One of my ex-patients
was a model.

She used to model woolens
for woman’s world.

I don’t think that’s quite
the model Alistair had in mind.

Anyway, the bottom line
is "get yourself noticed."

How?
How about streaking
at the trooping of the color?

I wouldn’t even
consider that.

Too disrespectful.

Or the last night
of the proms?

No, no, stop it,
both of you!

You’re being as
ridiculous as Stephen!

Sorry, Stephen,
we shouldn’t laugh.

I’ll be honest,
I thought you might.

But you didn’t laugh when Lionel
became a celebrity, did you?

When was that?

When he wrote the book.

Stephen, I was a minor author.

I don’t remember
any photos in the press

of me strolling into nightclubs
with any arm-candy.

We should have
tried that li.

Oh, no, you shouldn’t.

Here’s another idea.

Oh, god...

Chefs! They become
celebrities, don’t they?

Everybody knows who Gordon...
What’s-his-name is.

Now, Stephen,
you can’t boil an egg.

It was just an idea.

I’m floundering,
aren’t I?

I’m sorry, Steve, but I’ve
got to lay it on the line.

You and "celebrity" aren’t two
words that exactly go together.

I see.

I have to ask...

What made you think of this
in the first place?

dr*gs.

dr*gs?

Yes. He had too much
Brandy last night

and then took
two aspirin.

Well, I don’t think that
would produce hallucinations.

Of course not.

I slept like a log.

Still... I suppose that’s what
it was at the end of the day--

just a silly dream.

Why have it?

I suppose I got to thinking
it would be nice,

just for once in my life,
to be noticed.

I’ve never really been
noticed, you see.

Do you know, I remember taking
home a school photograph once...

And my parents couldn’t even
pick me out.

You were in it?

Oh, yes.

Funny thing was,
I couldn’t pick me out either.

You foolish man.

You’re right.

There are two bags.

I couldn’t help
noticing them

when Alistair came in.

Look, Sandy,
I can tell you...

No, no, it’s none of my
business... tell me what?

Well, you know Alistair
and I want a baby?

And you will.

There’s no reason why
you can’t, you know that.

You must just be patient.

Patience isn’t one of
Alistair’s strong points.

Hence the dodgy shopping?

He’s got it into his head
that if...

Well, he really thinks that...

Put it like this...
The next thing he’ll suggest

is scenery
and a full orchestra.

Personally I’d be more relaxed
driving in the grand prix.

Does, um, Harry ever...?

There was the dance
of the seven veils in Canada.

Oh, you did the dance
of the seven veils?

No... Harry did.
We did laugh.

Then you fell into each other’s
arms and so on and so forth?

Yeah.

Perhaps I should get
a clown’s outfit.

Oh, come on, Judy.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean
to embarrass you.

I’m not embarrassed.
I just think Alistair’s
being a bit silly.

So do I.

Chuck it all away, then.

No, I’ve got a better idea.

Judy: Uncle Stephen!

Just a minute.

These are a present for you
and aunt Penny from Alistair.

Well, that’s extraordinarily
kind of him.

I must go in and thank him.

Oh, no, no...
No, don’t!

Uh, no, you’ll just
embarrass Alistair.

He’s really quite shy,
you know.

Well, just goes to show,
doesn’t it?

People are seldom quite
what they seem, are they?

Are you going to stand there
chattering all day?

Sorry.

Must go-- old pen’s
revving her engine.

Say thank you to Alistair
for me, will you?

Bye, uncle Stephen.

Safe journey.

At this rate we won’t
be making a journey.

Take these.

They’re a present
to us from Alistair.

That’s very kind of him.

That’s what I thought.

Bye!

Both: Bye!

[ Engine starts ]

I feel awful now.

I don’t.

No, nor do I.

Bit early, isn’t it?

Lionel:
Not when those two
have been.

No, you’re right...
I think I’ll have one as well.

Alistair?

No, thanks.

Are you all right?

To be honest, I feel
I’ve let myself down.

I wasn’t a great deal of help
to poor old Stephen, was I?

Well, there are times when
nobody can be a help to Stephen.

Quite a lot of the time.

Stephen a celebrity!

He’ll be wanting to be
a pop star next.

Well, granted it was
a bit left field,

but I always think of left
field ideas as a challenge.

I should stop doing that
if I were you.

Maybe.

Ooh, I must sh**t.

I’ve got a meeting
with a tax inspector.

You’re not in
trouble, are you?

No, he’s written a book
about insurance fraud

and he’s asked me
to publish it.

Now that’s what
I call a challenge.
See you later, people.

Yeah, bye, Alistair.
Bye, Alistair.

What shall we do?

Recover?

Um... I’m sure I left
two bags in the hall.

What sort of bags?

Oh, just bags...
You know, bits and Bobs.

Judy, you didn’t see
two bags in the hall, did you?

Me? No.

[ Penny screaming... ]

Aren’t you
going to read?

Not without a book
in my hands.

No, I meant later.

Well, not if you
want to talk.

No, no, no.

Not especially, no.

Poor Sandy.

Poor Harry.

Poor Harry and Sandy.

All right, why?

They can never afford to
buy a house ’round here.

I don’t think
they could afford

to buy a garden shed
’round here.

Not that they need
to move anywhere.

I said, "not that they
need to move anywhere."

Yes, I heard.
Well?

They do.
Do what?

Need to move.

You’re just going to march
into their bedroom

and say they’re
not welcome, are you?

I’m certainly not going to
march into their bedroom

and as long as they don’t
have a place of their own,

they’re very welcome
to stay.

It is only one room.

Perhaps we could convert
Judy’s old room

into a sitting room for them.
Oh, dear.

And a separate bathroom
would be nice.

If we were to make
Judy’s room a bit smaller,

we could just knock through...

Why not go the whole hog

and just put another
whole story onto the house?

That’s not very
constructive.

It wasn’t intended to be.

They don’t want
to live with us.

Who told you that?

They’re a young couple
starting out,

with a baby on the way.

Yes, I suppose you’re right.

[ Chuckles ]
I know I’m right.

Well, don’t preen.

I’ll go to sleep.

It’s impossible to preen
in your sleep.

I don’t know.

The first night
we spent together,

you had a very
smug expression

on your face
the next morning.

Oh, well, that was
altogether different.

I’d just climbed the mountain.

I’m not a mountain!

I didn’t mean that,
I meant...

Be very careful.

I meant I’d just
spent the night

with a beautiful girl.

Oh, that’s much better.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, we will help them,
won’t we?

Financially, I mean.

Of course we will--
certainly preferable

to knocking down walls
all over the place.

Of course,
Sandy will come back
to the agency now.

That’s a good salary
and I’ll bump it up.

Well, unless she takes
the baby to work,

the job won’t last
that long, will it?

True. Well, I’ll give her
a big fat leaving bonus--

and a baby bonus as well.

You can’t give
a bonus to a baby.

Well, not directly, no.

A baby would probably
just eat the check.

Yes, all right, all right,
you’ve made your point.

Either way, we’ll help.

Assuming they don’t
see it as charity.

Well, how can a gift
be charity?

Yes, and I just have to
think about that one.

Aren’t you reading?

Not now--
I’m tired.

Yes, so am I.

I wasn’t beautiful.

Yes, you were.

No, I wasn’t.

Stop fishing for compliments
and go to sleep.

Swine.

Good night.
[ Chuckles ]

Good night.
[ Chuckles ]

How beautiful?

Good night.

Lionel said
you wanted a word.

Yes.

I thought stacking
the dishwasher

was Lionel’s field
of expertise.

Yes, well...
He claims it is.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door banging ]

Well, it is.

I’ll just leave it.

He’ll love that.

Well, it’s his own fault.

Of course it is.
So what did you want
to talk to me about?

Coming back to work
at the agency.

Ah.

I know Judy’s been doing it
while you’ve been away,

but, quite honestly,
her heart hasn’t been in it.

Nor’s mine anymore.

What?

Well, things change.

I’ve got Harry now and you
know the odd hours he works.

I can’t look after him
and be a career woman.

That’s very old-fashioned.

Well, maybe it is.

And then there’s the baby.

What happens then?

Well, I was going to
give you a baby bonus.

There’s no such thing.

Well, a bonus then.

Oh, look, I know
you’re trying to be kind

but... it’s a bit like
charity, isn’t it?

Oh, god... that’s
what Lionel said.

Well... it is.

You have a stubborn
streak in you.

Oh, look who’s talking.

Well, I suppose there’s
a first time for everything.

I couldn’t get
the door closed!

No, not that.

I’ve just had
an abusive phone call.

Oh, really!

What is the world coming to?

Anonymous, I suppose?

No...
It was from Penny.

Jean:
Penny?

Yeah... you’ve tried to jam
too much in there.

Well, never mind that!

What has Penny got
to abuse you about?

Well, perhaps "abuse"
is too strong a word.

Um, "rant" would do better.

Well, never mind
the semantics-- what about?

Well, that’s
the puzzling bit.

Uh, two shopping bags

full of what she called
"sexual depravity,"

and apparently
Stephen claims

they were a present
from Alistair.

Oh, that’s absurd.

Yeah, I thought that.

I mean, as if
Alistair would...

Just a minute...

Didn’t he say he’d left
two bags in the hall?

Yes, he did... but how did they
end up with Penny and Stephen?

And where did Sandy go?

This is not at all funny.

It was a very,
very silly thing to do.

Yes, mum.

Both of you!

Yes, boss.

Giving stuff
like that to Penny.

Can you imagine her face
when she looked into those bags?

Sorry.
Sorry.

I can.

You can what?

Imagine Penny’s face.

That’s not funny.

You’re quite right.

[ Laughing ]
I bet it was a picture!

[ Both laughing ]

What about
uncle Stephen?

Totally baffled,
I should think.

Oh, I don’t know.

Aunt pen might be dressed
as a fantasy nurse by now.

I’ve squared it
with Steve and pen.

I told them it was
all a big mistake.

I second that.

Message received
and understood.

Then I really papered
over the cracks.

They’re getting two
of the hottest tickets in town

for the film premiere tonight.

Which you don’t have?

Well, not until I make
a phone call, no.

And we’ve seen the last
of that stuff in the bags?

They’re not keeping them,
are they?

No, as far as I know,
they’re scattered

all over the hedgerows and
highways of Hampshire by now.

I wonder if it will
be on the news?

Sadly no, but Stephen
could find himself

swanning up
the red carpet tonight,

mingling with the stars.

Well, at least he’ll be
a celebrity for one night.

Yes. Wasn’t it
Bertrand Russell who said

everyone would be
world-famous for 15 minutes?

[ Chuckling ]
No... Andy Warhol.

Close.

Well, what did
Bertie Russell say then?

Quite a lot.

What about a quiet drink
over the road?

Oh, all right.

Sounds like
a good idea.

Oh, you’re all going?
Fine.

What do you know
about fantasy nurses?

Quite a lot.

My mother was one.

Oh...

One for you... and an orange
juice for the little mother.

What about a game
of darts, li?

It’s like being out
with a hyperactive child.

Oh, go on-- don’t
be a spoilsport.

I just fancied
a quiet drink,
that’s all.

Ah, what shall we play?

You said darts.

No, no, no, I meant format.

What about, uh,
ten-thousand-and-one?

I think that might
take several days.

Well, here’s to Judy.

To Judy.

Why?

’cause Sandy and I had
a little chat this morning

and she’s decided not to
come back to the agency.

Oh?

For very good reasons...

Which I accept, however
stubborn they may be.

So... I’m asking you to
come back permanently, Judy.

Now, what do you say?

I’m leaving.

Where are you going?

No, not here...
The agency.

Oh, look, just ’cause
Sandy said no

doesn’t mean
you’re second choice.

Well, it does actually,

but that’s not
the point, honestly.

Mum... I’m not up for it.

I just don’t fancy it.

The truth is I don’t
fancy working anymore.

It’s not as if I have to.

Well, I didn’t have to,
I just stuck at it.

Yes, and look at what
it was doing to you.

Before Lionel
came on the scene,

you were turning
into a real rat-bag.

I was not!

"Old iron-drawers"
the girls used to call you.

That was office banter!

Well, call it what you like,
but there was a point

when work was
becoming your life.

Well, it was my life.

I built it up.

It was all I had.

Yes, I know... but it’s
not all that I have.

No, I know.

Well, I’ll have to find
someone else to run it.

You could always
try Stephen.

[ Clang, clatter ]
What was that?

Alistair just
hit the lampshade.

Desperation, li.

You were winning anyway.

Only because I
hit the dartboard
occasionally.

Let’s, uh...
Let’s sh**t some pool.

Let’s not.

Judy isn’t coming
back to the agency.

Is that all
you have to say?

I didn’t say anything.

Well, I say, "hey, hey..."

That means more of you
to myself.

More time to work
on little Alistair.

I do wish you wouldn’t use
expressions like "work on."

All right, what about
"apply ourselves to"?

Hello, Harry.

Oh, Harry,
you found us.

Down to
detective work.

I read the note
on the door

which said, "we’ve
all gone for a drink."

The kind of note which,
professionally speaking,

I would advise against.

Oh, yes.
Mmm.

You did take the note
off the door?

Oh...

Harry!

Well, shouldn’t
someone....?

I’ll go.

Uh, shouldn’t we
be mob-handed, li?

Not unless there’s
a queue of burglars

at the front door.

[ Clock chiming softly ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Oh, for goodness’ sake...

Mrs. Bale!

I’ve brought you
some eggs.

Really?

Well, um, come in.

There are light snow showers in
the English channel, by the way.

Oh... well, do
go through.

Is everybody well?

Yes, thank you.

Do sit down.
Oh...

Can I get you some tea?

Uh, no, thank you.

I shared a thermos
in a lay-by

with some very charming
hells angels on the way up.

Charming?

Yes... I shall
never understand

why we bikers
get such a bad name.

I blame Marlon Brando myself.

Do you?

Well... it’s very nice
to see you, Mrs. Bale,

but surely you didn’t
come all this way

just to bring us some eggs?

Of course not-- the eggs
were an afterthought.

No, I came to London to drop
Mr. Hardcastle senior off.

Drop him off where?

His line dancing class.

Did you say line dancing?

Apparently his teacher
says he’s a natural.

[ Quietly ] Oh, god...

You don’t approve, do you?

Well, it’s not for me
to approve or disapprove.

No, I don’t approve.

He said you wouldn’t.

Well, a man of his age
line dancing...

Oh, what should a man
of his age be doing?

Acting it.

He said you’d say that too.

Oh, predictable, aren’t I?

Oh, very.

Jean:
You might have told us

you weren’t coming back.

[ Louder ] I’ve got
a surprise for you.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Bale.

How nice to see you.

You too,
Mrs. Hardcastle.

You look very well.

I like the leathers.

Thank you.

The chapter in the lay-by
said I looked foxy.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh... chapter?

Hells angels.

Mrs. Bale had tea with them.

Oh, I see.

Well, where’s Rocky?

Lionel:
Line dancing.

Really?

I’m picking
him up later.

Line dancing!

You’ve already
said that.

Mr. Hardcastle junior
does not approve.

Mr. Hardcastle junior
wouldn’t approve.

The old fool
could k*ll himself.

Oh, I’m so sorry,
Mrs. Bale.

Has Lionel offered you
anything to drink?

Yes, he did, thank you.

What about
something to eat?

Is nobody listening
to what I’m saying?

Certainly.
What would you
like me to get you?

No, no, I mean can we
get you something to eat?

Oh, thank you, no.

I would like to change
into something less squeaky

before I go, though.

Oh, yes, of course,
please use our bedroom.

I’ll be two shakes
of a lamb’s tail.

She’s a treasure,
isn’t she?

She’s as mad as my father.

I heard that!

Well, she is.

What is the matter
with you?

Peace and quiet.

A little bit
of peace and quiet,
that’s all I ask for.

What, just you and
your custard tarts?

But no, in they come,
one after the other,

and they all bring
their lunacy in with them.

Wouldn’t it be nice if,
just once, someone came in,

had a normal conversation
and then went home again?

[ Doorbell rings ]
See?!

You don’t even
know who it is!

Perhaps you’d
like to hide

in the cupboard
under the stairs?

If I could get in there,
I would!

Penny, Stephen!

Look, we were in London

two hours early
for the premiere

thanks to Stephen.

Just wanted to be
on the safe side.

So I thought I’d wait here.

I knew you wouldn’t mind.

Mind? No, we’re delighted,
aren’t we Lionel?

[ Mouths ] Hello.

[ Announcer describing game,
crowd cheering on TV... ]

Lionel’s cooking one of his
screaming hot chilis.

Ah, I like chili.

Well, I am chilly--
give us a cuddle.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Game continues... ]

Oh, that’s nice.

Oh... beautiful!

You’re watching the rugby,
aren’t you?

No.

Yes.

There.

Oh, Harry...

It was only a replay anyway.

But I’ll never take precedence
over a live international?

Of course you will...

Provided it’s not
England playing.

[ Chuckles ]

You know Jean doesn’t
want us to move, don’t you?

[ Chuckles ]

I’d never have guessed.

It will seem funny.

That’s not
a "but," is it?

No, no, I don’t have
any "buts."

I just want you and me,
plus "little Harry,"

as Alistair would call it.

Yeah...

I hope he and Judy get
their "little Alistair."

Oh, they will.. Even without
the help of kinky underwear.

Actually, I’ve
been thinking.

Oh, yes...?

The baby.

Oh...

I wouldn’t
mind at all

if it was
a little Sandy.

[ Laughs ]
A rugby-playing one?

No... be nice to
start with a girl.

How many children
would you like then?

Oh, I don’t know--
a dozen or so.

[ Scoffs ]

I’ve just been sacked
as sous chef.

Why does Lionel
get so temperamental

when he’s cooking chili?

Perhaps he’s got
Mexican blood in him.

Yeah...

[ With accent ]
Lionel Jo-se Hard-castle.

Drink?

No, thanks.

Sandy?

Oh, if I have
another orange juice,

I think I’ll explode.

Well, I deserve one.

I deserve a drink.

Tequila?

Why Tequila?

It’s just a little joke.

How’s the chili?

Nearing perfection,
if I do say so myself.

It is just the four of us
for dinner, isn’t it?
Yes.

Good--
I just wanted reassuring

that we’re not going to get
invaded again. Thanks.

No. Rocky’s line dancing,

Penny and Stephen have
gone to the premiere

and Judy and Alistair
have gone home.

So unless the vikings
inv*de us again, you’re safe.

We went back with Judy
and Alistair this afternoon

to look at their flat.

[ Chuckles ]
Flat?

Well, apartment.

We had a flat
in Canada.

The whole place would
fit in their bathroom.

Lionel was talking
about turning Judy’s room

into a sitting room
for you.

It would only need
knocking through.

Actually, you don’t need
to knock anything through,

because... we’re moving.

Well, I know
you will eventually.

No, not eventually.

It looks as though
I’m going to W.A.
Division--

and they help with
police housing.

Oh.

Nothing very grand,
but it’s a start.

And... that’s all we need.

Oh.

Well, that is good news.

Where?
Here!

No... where will
you be living?

Oh. Um, Battersea.

Battersea?!

You’re doing it
again!

You make everywhere beyond
Holland park sound like Siberia.

But battersea!

There are worse places
than battersea.

Far worse.

Didn’t that m*rder*r
come from battersea?

What m*rder*r?

Well, I can’t remember
his name.

Some m*rder*r.

Oh, I’m being silly,
aren’t I?

We shan’t be far away.

Just a short
sledge ride really.

Dinner, as Mrs. Bale
would say,

will be served in nine
and three-quarter minutes.

[ Phone ringing ]

Don’t panic,
don’t panic.

If it’s someone
wanting to pop in,

I’ll say
we’ve emigrated.

Hello?

Oh, Patrick?

Hello...

What?

Where?

Yes, of course,
we’ll be over immediately.

Yes, good-bye.

It was Patrick,
calling from

the hospital
he’s working in.

I’m afraid Rocky’s been
admitted to a-and-e.

I got you a blanket.

I don’t want a blanket.

It’s like a greenhouse
in here.

I’ll just put it
across your knees.

My knees are no colder
than the rest of me.

Now, now just stop fussing.

There must be
something I can do.

Well, I wouldn’t say no
to a stiff gin and tonic.

They said nil by mouth.

Well, you could just
pour it in my ear then.

Alistair called
on his mobile.

They are almost here.

Oh, thank you, Patrick.

Remind me to get
a mobile, Mrs. Bale.

In case you’ve forgotten,
you had one.

So I did...
What ever happened to it?

You lost your temper

and threw it into
the rainwater butt.

[ Clears throat
deliberately ]

Nasty cough you’ve
got there, nurse.

That means I should
be somewhere else.

Oh, ignore the woman.

The last student doctor who did
that is still in traction.

Oh, you go along, my boy.

You cut along to wherever
you’re supposed to be.

The mortuary, I’m afraid.

Well, let’s hope we don’t
meet up there later.

I do wish you wouldn’t
say things like that.

Well, Patrick laughed.

To think that young Lionel
looked after that whole family

and he never said anything.

If you ask me,
he’s a closet philanthropist.

I do hope there wasn’t
any confusion

about him calling
Mr. Hardcastle junior "father."

Oh, I’m sure there wasn’t.

Very levelheaded girl,
Jean Pargetter.

Oh, there you are.
What have you been up to now?

Well, there’s a very warm
greeting, I must say.

Hello, Jean Pargetter.

Hello, Rocky.

What have you been
up to now?

You see, it sounds so much
nicer coming from you.

Will you just
answer the question!

Oh, there’s no need to shout.

Shh...!

See?

What have you been
up to now?

Well, here’s a sight
to gladden the old eyes.

You remember Harry,
don’t you?

Of course.

You were off to be a mountie
the last time we met.

Oh, only a temporary one.

Look....

I’m sorry,
I couldn’t park.

Hello, Rocky.

My word... things are
glamming up here
by the minute.

Now, what have you
been up to?

I’ve been trying to find that
out for the last 10 minutes.

He was knocked over.

By a car?

Line dancing.

Would you please
all move over?

You’re blocking access.

[ All muttering ]

And would you please
keep the noise down!

Thank you.

Tell us what
happened, Rocky.

Well, the whole class was
going swimmingly at first.

And then we got into the "step,
step, touch the heel" bit...

Or was it "touch the heel,
step, step"?

Does it matter?

A great deal.

You’ve to get it right.

And?

Well, I somehow cannoned

into this rather large lady
wearing cowboy boots.

I sh*t across the floor
like a curling stone.

What’s the verdict?

Oh, I think
it was my fault.

No, I meant here!

Oh, I don’t know,
but ligaments were mentioned.

I’m waiting to go to X-ray.

But nothing’s happening.

Alistair?

Hmm? Oh, uh, right.

Look, excuse me,
I need a word...

And don’t say "I’m busy!"

You’ve got to hand it
to Alistair.

Not all the time.

I think he’s talking
to a Porter.

Oh... Lionel?

Um... here we are--
"information."

[ Chuckles ]

[ Knocks on door ]

[ Knocks on window ]

"Information" isn’t giving any.

He was only a Porter.

Harry, tell someone
you’re a policeman.

Who?

Well, not "information."

Nurse:
Mr.... Newcastle?

Group:
Hardcastle!

Nurse:
That girl’s writing.

Come along then, dear,

we’re taking you
off to radiology.

Jolly good.

[ All muttering ]

Yes, I think we can manage,
thank you.

And would you please
all sit down!

"Ring," it says.

"Ring," not
"bang on the glass!"

Now, who wants me?

Well, stop playing games!

Oh, don’t worry,
Mrs. Bale.

He’s a tough old bird.

Yes, I know.

Could somebody get
Mrs. Bale a cup of tea?

Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, thank you, Sandy.

[ Machine beeping... ]

[ Kicks machine
and it shuts down ]

Oh, now why was
that inevitable?

There’s a sign up there
that says "cafeteria."

I bet that’s closed.

Well, would you all
go and have a look?

Lionel and I will
stay here.

Come along, Mrs. Bale.

Thank you, Alistair.

Oh, can I bring you two
anything back?

Not unless they’ve got
any chili con carne.

You’ll be lucky--
hot’s off.

Thank you so much.

It was nice
that everybody came.

Yes, it was.

Hello, you two.

Stephen? Stephen,
what are you doing here?

What on earth’s
happened?

Ribs, the ambulance
people think.

No, I meant what happened
in the first place?

Oh... well, the film premiere.

We never did get
on the red carpet,

so I decided
to vault the barrier

to talk
to Renny Zellwigger.

Stephen, why would
you do that?

Well, this,
this celebrity thing.

I still haven’t quite
got it out of my mind,

and I thought
if I could be photographed
talking to Renny Zelwigger--

well, that would be a start,
wouldn’t it?

What did she say?

Well, I never
actually reached her.

My vaulting is not
what it was, you see.

Don’t suppose there’s any chance
of her popping ’round, do you?

I wouldn’t hold
your breath.

Well... Penny--
where’s Penny?

Oh, she’s all right.

She just fainted
for some reason.

Fool of a man!

Oh, and she...

She hurt her neck
when she fell.

Yes, it was nice that
everyone came, wasn’t it?

♪ You must remember this ♪

♪ a kiss is still a kiss ♪

♪ a sigh is just a sigh ♪

♪ the fundamental things apply ♪

♪ as time goes by ♪

♪ and when two lovers woo, ♪
♪ they still say, "I love you" ♪

♪ on that you can rely ♪

♪ the world will always ♪
♪ welcome lovers ♪

♪ as time goes by. ♪
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