04x21 - Episode 21

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Soap". Aired: September 13, 1977 – April 20, 1981.*
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Set in the fictional town of Dunn's River, Connecticut a nighttime parody of daytime soap operas, presented as a weekly half-hour prime time comedy.
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04x21 - Episode 21

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[♪]

ANNOUNCER: This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[♪]

[SNIFFS]

And that's it.

Be at this address at : .

Terrible neighborhood.

How do I know
this is legit, huh?

You walk in here,
a man with a sock on his face,

and you're going
to tell me... It's tights.

[SNEEZES]

Bless you.

I'm allergic to nylon.

You're gonna tell me about
maybe the biggest

drug transaction in history.

Why, huh?
Why are you giving me this tip?

I told you why.

Because these guys
double-crossed me.

But why should I
believe you, huh?

I can't even see your face.

How do I know
this isn't a set up?

I'm sitting here
talking to a Danskin.

I'm wearing this thing 'cause
otherwise you'd recognize me.

I know you?

[SNEEZES]

God, does this itch.

Sheriff, you got
the information,

you can take it or leave it,

I gotta get an antihistamine.

Hey, Burt.

Dan, I'm sorry,
I was just, uh...

So, how are you feeling?

Terrible.

Ah, dang, you're still
feeling terrible.

No.

You just said
you were feeling terrible.

I am, but I'm not still
feeling terrible.

I'm feeling terrible
all over again.

Danny, why are you feeling
terrible now?

I've fallen in love.

That's what I love about you,
Danny.

You fall off a horse,
you get right back on.

I don't even ride, Burt.

Okay, come on, who is she.

She's nice.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, nice.

That's good.
Nice is good, yeah.

But what's this,
what, is she a hooker or what?

What's the surprise in this one?

She's...

A college grad.

Whoa-ho-ho, this is very nice.

And she comes from
a good family.

Hey, Danny, it's wonderful.

Finally, somebody in my family
I can be proud of.

She's my stepmother.

Go ahead.

Blow my brains out,
come on, blow them.

Danny, what is it with you, huh?

What's next here, a gorilla?

You haven't tried that one yet.

Burt, I'm shocked.

I come to you
with a problem and...

Problem, problem?

This is not a problem,
this is a sickness.

Your stepmother,
your father's wife?

This is terrific,

Tennessee Williams
is now writing my life.

I don't know what to do,
that's why I came to you.

I'm in love with her, Burt.

What can I do?

What can you do?
You could try saying no,

next time you feel yourself
getting involved

with an iffy person
like an axe m*rder*r,

or Qaddafi's wife,
you could think twice.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

I thought, maybe,
instead of jumping on me,

you'd be understanding.

Ho-ho-ho, be understanding.

You don't know how understanding
I've been lately.

I tried to understand
your brother.

Hmm-hmm,
what's to understand there?

A part-time h*m*,
who is now years old,

and from Minsk?

Your mother.

I tried to understand
your mother,

but she's too busy
watching babies fly,

and mixing margaritas.

Chuck and Bob.

I never understood them.

Now you, fresh from true love
with a hooker,

tells me he is in love
with his father's wife,

and you say to me,
be understanding?

I could understand Swahili
better than this.

Now, excuse me, but I gotta go.

I got things to do.

There's a whole world
full of criminals out there,

who, by the way,

seem absolutely adorable,
compared to this bunch here.

[♪]

Why don't they call?

They said they'd call by now.

Oh, Daddy, please try
and calm down.

Calm down?
How can I be calm?

Communist dog stealing my wife.

Ex-wife.

They are probably torturing her
right this very minute.

Is it bigger than
a breadbox? Sí.

Is it a person?
Sí.

Is it someone I know?
Sí.

A famous person?
Sí.

Living?
Sí.

An actor?
Sí.

Is it Jack Lemmon?
Sí. you got it.

Oh, good, your turn.

Hello.
Operator?

Yes, I'm trying to place
a long-distance call

to the United States of America.

Excuse me?

Spell it?

Operator, it's the United States
of America.

What?

What is it with this phone
system you Americans got?

All lines are busy.

Who makes calls from Malaguay
to Connecticut on a Tuesday?

Where are those keys...

Wait, I got another way.
Go ahead, guess.

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Sí.

Is it a woman?

Sí.
Is she married?

Sí.
To a man?

Sí.
A nice man?

Oh, sí.
Is it Marlo Thomas?

Sí, you got it.
Yay!

Why don't they call?

Why don't we call them?

How could we call them?

Sunday night
the rates are lower,

but you have to dial direct.

We don't know where they are.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

What?

No.

Who was that?

It was Barbie,

wanted to know
if Chuck was here.

El Puerco, why don't we
just hop on a plane,

and go over there ourselves.

Because Billy,

we don't really know if Jessica
is there or not.

Besides, Malaguayan Airlines
is the worst.

The food is horrible.

The chicken's not too bad.

The stewardesses, however, give
new meaning to the word ugly.

Why don't they call?

They were supposed to have
called by now.

Maybe she forgot the number.

Oh, Dutch, don't be ridiculous,

who'd forget their own
telephone number?

Eight, nine, nine...

No, no. Wait I'll get it...
No, no, eight.

Red, Red, you just got to
remember your number.

This is relatively important.

Sandi, I never call myself.

I know my sister's number.

Call my sister
and ask her my number.

Wait, I get it out of her.

Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Will you stop it, you moron.

Wait, there is a nine.

Yes, there's definitely a nine.

Wonderful.

Or three threes.

Yes, Señora Incompetente
Telefonista Lady Person.

I would like to place
a long-distance call

to Connecticut, America.

Tate residence, Dunn River.

Staring at it,
won't make it ring.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

As a rule.

It's from Malaguay.

Yes, who's calling, please?

Give me that.

This is Chester Tate.

What?

Will I accept the charges?

I certainly will not,
are you crazy?

A nation kidnaps
the woman I love,

and expects me to pay
for the phone c...

Give me that phone, you moron.

Hello, Sandia, this is you, eh?

All right listen,

Listen, you commie, pinko,
thug, kidnapper,

home-wrecker.

Good, butter him up.

Don't worry, we want El Puerco.
Do we get him or not?

I want to speak
to Jessica first.

I'm not making any deals until
I know that she's alive.

He's putting her on.

Give me that.

Hello, Jessiquita.

Oh, thank God.

Jessica, I...

Gee, it sounds like you're right
around the corner,

what a terrific connection.

Jess? Jess?
Oh, it's you.

I want you to know
you made a terrible mistake.

Nobody deals with Chester Tate
this way.

You got hours
to deliver El Puerco.

If he is not here:

[MIMICS CUTTING]

Remember hours.

Have a nice day.

Well, that's that.

What?

If you don't return
to Malaguay in hours,

they're going to k*ll her.

[♪]

[♪]

[JESSICA HUMS]

Oh, good.

Oh, it's awful.

Señora, I can't keep taking
the food back.

But this is my last meal,

and I want it to be right,
Private Eskimo.

No, no, Esquivo.

Señora, señora, please,

this is the fourth time
you sent it back.

I think the chef
is getting real mad.

The last time I went in,
he spit at me.

But after this dinner,
I'll never eat again.

So, this meal
and the memory of it

has got to last me a long time.

Oh, you might tell the chef

that a Cuisinart would make
his life so much easier.

Padre, you can stop praying
for me now.

Oh, I'm not praying for you.

I'm praying for me.

I'm praying he will still listen
to me after what I've told him.

Never in my life have I listened
to a confession like yours.

And I've had some biggies.

I've had the Pérons.

Actually, I haven't finished.

Oh, it's okay,
he's got the flavor of it.

That's all he needs.

Red.

Ah, buenos Morgen, Sandi.

I hear you keep sending back
your last meal.

The food is terrible.

I think you're stalling.

Wouldn't you?

Red, I don't like doing this,
believe me.

I feel very bad about it.

Probably not quite as bad
as I feel.

I figured El Puerco would come.

I was counting on it.

But he hasn't.

I guess he doesn't love you.

El loves me, if he's not here
it's for a very good reason.

Come on, Red, be nice, eat your
last meal and enjoy it.

No, Sandi, it's just that I
never thought I'd die like this.

I always thought I'd go like
Joan of Arc.

I would like to go fighting.

Fighting bravely for my country.

Or in my sleep.

I want to go at my
mother-in-law's.

It would drive her crazy.
A dead body in the house, yuck.

I want to go home.

We'll leave you alone, Red.

This is the last
of the last meals.

Bon appétit.

See you at dawn, padre.

You should have asked
for the strawberries.

They're not in season
for another month.

Well, they were certainly right,

when they said
you work in mysterious ways.

So, I guess this is where
I exit.

I could tell you
I don't want to.

That I'm really not ready.

But you know that.

And I could tell you
there are so many things

I haven't done,
it's really too soon.

But you know that.

I could tell you that,

I don't really care
about any of those things.

All I really care about
is my children.

I want to stay with my children.

But you know that.

Take care of them.

Please?

Watch over them all.

I know,

I know they look big
and grown-up.

But they're still my babies.

I guess,

all I want is
all I've ever really wanted.

For them to be healthy
and happy.

If you could promise me that,

I really wouldn't mind
going at all.

Hmm?

I don't believe this.

It's unbelievable.

I mean I always like sex,
but to go on for three days.

I'm not even tired.

Me either.

You'd think after three days
I'd be exhausted,

but I feel like
I could run a marathon.

You did.

So, how come we stopped?

The bed broke.

Oh, yeah.

Sex with you is like eating
pistachio nuts.

Thanks.

I think we reached the Ajax.

That's apex.

You know, this makes
all the other times

feel like a dental appointment.

Danny, do you think
we're falling in love?

There's more to sex than love.

You don't think
we're falling in love?

Yeah, yeah, I think
we're falling in love.

Only we got two big problems.

The first is,
you're a married woman.

And the second is,
your husband is my father.

You think he'll be mad?

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Annie?

Oh, my God, it's Chester.

Quick, hide.

Quick, quick.
Get under there.

Chester.

Oh, Annie, Annie, Annie.

Chester, what're you doing here?

Annie, Annie, Annie,
Annie, Annie.

Chester, Chester, it won't work.

Oh, you think I'm here to grovel

and beg you to take me
back, don't you?

Yes.

Would you?
No.

Why not?

Because you're
a chronically unhappy,

and demented human being.

Doesn't mean
I'm not a nice person.

Chester get out of here,

I don't want you
in my life anymore.

I know, I just wanted
to say goodbye.

Goodbye, goodbye.

I'm sick, Annie. I'm a sick man.
I can't be happy.

I wasn't happy with Jessica.
I wasn't happy with you.

I don't expect you to
understand, but it's all right

because I'm going to a place,
where even I

can finally find a little peace.

Maui?

Death.

Chester!

Yes.

Tomorrow, I fight a duel
with El Puerco.

I don't want to duel him,
I don't even like him.

But he'll k*ll me.

And my suffering will be over.

Tomorrow I'll find my peace.

I'll meet my destiny.

You know, I almost feel at peace
now, just thinking about...

[DANNY MOANS]

What was that?

Chester, you're on my leg.

Hi, Dad.

Well, I like this.
I really like this.

You think I like this.
I don't like this one bit.

Chester.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

You, you and you.
Both of you.

My son and my wife,
this is the final degradation.

I see you got yourself
a little g*n there.

Sure is a beauty.

Now, I hope you have a license
for that, Dad,

otherwise I'm going to have to
put you on report.

You think you can make a fool
out of me, do you?

You feel foolish now,
is that it?

Oh, sure, go ahead.
Chester Tate,

the laughingstock of
Connecticut.

Well, let me tell you one thing.

I will have the last laugh
before El Puerco sh**t me.

I'll find a little retribution.

Well, that's great, Dad.

Where you gonna find it?

Right here.

Tomorrow I die.

Tonight, you die.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Atención.

The heat is awful.

No, no, it's not the heat,
it's the humidity.

Would you like a blindfold?

Oh, what colors do you have?

No, you see we blindfold you,

so you don't see
the men sh**t you.

Well, that's silly.

If you don't want me
to see them sh**t me,

then why do you make
them sh**t me?

You know, the amazing thing
about it is that

if you listen,
she actually makes sense.

Boys, boys, now, just a minute.
Let's take a vote here.

How many of you really,
really want to sh**t me?

Raise your hands.

See, not one hand.

Would you like a cigarette?

No, no, I haven't smoked
in all these years,

I'm not about to start now.

In that case,
let's get on with it.

Wouldn't you like to do
this tomorrow?

Let's go to the beach
this afternoon.

That's a good idea,
we could pack a lunch.

I'll bring a Frisbee.

Stand against the wall.

Well, I'll stand
almost against the wall.

Sandi, you really should have
someone clean up this wall,

once in a while.

Atención.

Ready. Aim...

Uh, I wonder, could I say
one word before I go?

Take five.

See, Sandi, I understand
that sometimes when two groups

don't believe the same way that
this sort of thing can happen.

And I do believe that you
believe your intentions are just.

Believe me, I admire anyone who
believes in a cause.

However, I don't believe that
sh**ting one woman

from Connecticut
is going to help you.

Goodbye, señora.

Good luck, private.

Atención.

[♪]

Ready.

Aim.

Fire.

[g*nf*re]

ANNOUNCER: Can Chester really
k*ll his son and his wife?

Has Burt really walked
into an ambush

that he may never walk out of?

Has the f*ring squad
really sh*t Jessica?

These questions and many others
will be answered

in the next episode of Soap.

[♪]
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