03x26 - No Tears for Mrs. Thomas

[bunniefuu]

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[BARKING]

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NARRATOR: Spring at Convent San Tanco, a time for pruning,

a time for picking flowers and a time for watering.

It was also a time for Thomas Martinez,

the most important time of his life.

Señor Martinez. Oh, how nice to see you.

And what lovely fish!

Oh, children, will you bring the fish

to Sister Ana in the kitchen? Yes.

Thank you. Be careful. They're heavy.

Last week's fish were positively gourmet.

You can't b*at a holy mackerel.

That's because the Reverend Mother said grace over it.

[CHUCKLES]

But we were not expecting you until tomorrow, señor.

I know. I know. But there was so much to do.

The moment I found out, I had to rearrange everything.

I said to myself, I said, "Who should I tell first?"

My best friends. Heh-heh-heh.

What's the big celebration?

I want all of you to be there, eh?

All right. We'd love to.

[NUNS CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

It's a wonderful funeral.

Señor, I would hardly call that a happy event.

It is if you look upon it philosophically as I do.

Well, we will do our very best.

But who is this unfortunate person?

Reverend Mother, you must not think

of this person as being unfortunate.

You must consider them as being very lucky.

Very well. Who is this very lucky person?

It's me.

[♪♪♪]

If we have understood you correctly,

and I fear that we have, you have come here

to arrange for your own funeral.

That's right, Reverend Mother.

It's all arranged a week from yesterday,

barring accidents.

He's not kidding.

THOMAS: But, please, no sympathy, eh?

I lived a full life.

I have outlived four marvelous wives.

My children have grown up, got married and gone.

And now I have a real privilege

afforded few men in their lives

to arrange my own departure.

That's where you come in.

I would not trust myself in anybody else's hands.

Now, I talked to your nephew yesterday,

and he didn't mention anything about you being sick.

Who, Carlos?

He doesn't even know.

Besides, being sick has got nothing to do with it.

Now, about the music,

well, I think that you have the best choir in all of San Tanco.

Thank you very much, Señor, but--

But please...

no dirges, eh?

I want the music to be happy.

At a funeral? Why not?

Since I am going to be the guest of honor,

I am entitled to my selections, eh?

I want a fisherman song, like, uh...

[SINGING LOUDLY]

Señor Martinez? Señor Martinez?

Señor Martinez? Yeah?

Uh, we know you have a wonderful sense of humor,

but now that we've had our little laugh--

Oh, that's right. There's a solo in it I want you to sing.

Oh. Okay? Yeah.

It-- It's a little tricky, but don't worry.

I going to rehearse you.

And then the music is going to lead into the eulogy.

I'm going to ask Carlos to write that.

He's very clever with the words.

But I want you to read it.

Me?

Impossible. Ridiculous.

I mean, my uncle might be a little eccentric,

but I think this is a little too much.

Maybe you misunderstood the whole thing, Sisters.

You're talking to the chairman of the entertainment committee.

And tomorrow I'm rehearsing a sea shanty.

But he was here yesterday delivering fish.

And-and he didn't look sick to me at all.

Sick has nothing to do with it.

At least that's what he says.

You and I are supposed to team up on a eulogy.

You write it, and I deliver it.

Sister Bertrille, the man is years old.

Maybe he's getting senile, right?

Now I have a plane to catch in St. Thomas,

so I'll discuss it when I get back.

You'll discuss it right now. Who's his doctor?

Escovito, but I have no time now.

Well, that's what your uncle kept saying.

Come with me.

A mild back sprain.

He never mentioned any accident.

ESCOVITO: No accident. He was clearing a fall line

from a -foot mast during the gale last week.

Two aspirins took care of it.

There must be something wrong with him.

Hmm. There certainly is.

He's got the heart, arteries and lungs of a -year-old man.

Well, I'm happy to hear about

his heart, his arteries and his lungs,

but according to him,

next Wednesday the rest of him's gonna keel over.

[♪♪♪]

Señor Martinez, I've been looking all over for you.

Oh, you came just in the right time, Sister.

I need your help in the selection of flowers.

You don't need my help for anything.

I came from your doctor, and you're sound as horse.

Sound as? Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no! It's too depressing.

Make-- Hey, wait, wait.

Make it in the shape of my boat, Brigade Dolores

with the gypset and the deck piled high with herrings.

That's better, right, Sister? Right.

Oh. Sounds more like a float for the Mardis Gras.

I can't believe that I'm standing here listening

to all this when there's real problems in San Tanco.

Don't worry, Sister. Six more days, it's all over.

Oh, bite your tongue.

If you don't come up with something better,

then I'm going back to the convent now.

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

You forced me.

It's the Martinez sign.

The what?

The Martinez sign.

Like the sun rises every day, nothing is more dependable.

The same thing happened to my father,

to my grandfather, to my great grandfather.

Seven days to the minute after they saw the Martinez sign.

To the minute? To the minute.

The boats to San Juan is not more dependable.

[♪♪♪]

Well?

Well, it's fine,

if you're gonna be laid out at the racetrack.

Well, I don't know.

Hmm?

Wait. I give you a better idea how it's going to look like.

Okay.

Ah.

Hmm? Well, maybe.

[♪♪♪]

Is a wonderful woman, Luisa Montero.

[CHUCKLES] Who?

As a matter of fact, once she was almost wife number five,

but she lost out. Well, what happened?

Oh, she turned me down.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

No, it's not too bad. It's all for the best.

Now I don't leave a grieving widow.

[♪♪♪]

[BARKS]

No, Horatio. I don't wanna do any tricks right now.

[BARKS]

Besides, what's the use?

You never get anything right.

When I tell you to fetch, you play dead.

When I tell you to play dead, you beg.

[BARKS]

I'm so tired of trying to teach you tricks.

[BARKS]

Okay. Just one. That's it.

I've got a ball here. Oh, great.

Wait right there.

Okay, Horatio. Here's the ball.

Here's the ball now. I want you to fetch it.

Okay. Fetch it.

That's it, Horatio! He's doing it.

I don't believe it. The very first time

in his whole life he's obeying a command.

Good boy, Horatio!

Oh, no! Horatio, stop it!

Stop that, Horatio! Horatio, no. No! No, Horatio now. No!

Horatio, I told you to fetch the ball,

not the Reverend Mother.

Sister Bertrille, how are you feeling?

Well, I-- I don't think I can go on much longer.

Well, it won't be much longer.

Sister Jacqueline has very kindly offered to help out.

Yes. Well, I think it'll take more than just two shifts.

Oh, well, it won't be much longer now.

You mean you believe in all of this?

Of course not. But he has never asked anything of us before.

And since he's not going to change his mind,

I think the only thing we can do is respect his wishes

and go along with the man.

But all those preparations.

Wednesday will come and go,

and Thomas will survive and go back to his fishing

and life will go back to normal.

That's too bad.

Too bad, Sister Sixto?

He'll be so disappointed.

Sister Bertrille?

I hate to interrupt your sun bath,

but there's an urgent visitor waiting for you.

Oh, no, it's not him.

No. But I have a feeling it's about him.

To see him stretched out there like that, you know,

it was so real, such a shock.

Yes, I know. Well, I can't talk about it.

It's all right. It's all right. She told me everything.

She? Who?

My friend, Mrs. Mendoza.

Her husband also shop

where he bought the suit to be laid out in.

I-- I just can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Poor brave man. What he must be going through.

He's not the only one.

I know. I know. He had so many friends.

And I-- I treated him so miserably.

All he wanted was a little companionship.

A little affection. But--

Well, at least he's not leaving a grieving widow.

I know, but I could have given him some moments of happiness.

Well, for goodness sakes, it's not going to be tomorrow.

You never know what can happen.

You're right, Sister.

The least I can do for him is-- Is to make it easier, no?

Of course. Why, if everyone treated others

as if tomorrow were their last day

the world would be a lot better off.

Oh, that's just how I feel. Me too.

A man must have some hope.

Of course. What is a woman for

if not to bring a little joy into a man's life, no?

She-- She's so understanding.

Sister Bertrille, what do you know about these?

What?

Well, $ for flowers,

$ for wine, cheese and assorted delicacies.

Ninety-six dollars for a black formal suit, $--

Well, the grand total so far

is exactly $..

Well, if he wants a first-class funeral,

I mean, it is his funeral.

You are wrong. It is ours.

What?

He has charged the entire thing to the convent.

Well, that does it!

What do you have in mind, Sister Bertrille?

If he doesn't come up with an explanation for this,

there isn't going to be any funeral.

How could you allow it to get this far?

I couldn't even do any business in San Tomas.

As soon as I got off the plane,

everybody was crying on my shoulder.

My-my uncle invited all the relatives to his funeral,

all expenses paid.

Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.

Someone's in town taking care of it right now.

Who is the miracle worker?

Sister Bertrille.

First you tell me not to worry,

and then you tell me it's Sister Bertrille.

Hi. Hi.

You did straighten things out with Mr. Martinez, didn't you?

Well, I thought I did, but then when I got back here,

the mailman handed me another batch of bills.

One of them is a bill for eight airline tickets.

He sent them here?

He must have a credit card with our name on it.

CARLOS: He lost his mind. Has to be stopped.

Well, I can't catch up with him long enough to get a word in.

Today he's trying to win a dance contest with Luisa Montero,

and last night she fixed him dinner.

That's just fine.

While he's burning the candle at both ends,

the convent's going up in smoke.

How about that obsession of his?

I mean, did you find out why he says he's gonna die in a week?

The only thing I could find out

was that he saw some kind of sign.

CARLOS: A sign?

Yeah, I don't know what it means.

He-he calls it the Martinez sign.

One look at it, and you're on your way.

These fishermen. They are so superstitious.

They see a sign for everything.

He should wear one with big letters: Public Menace.

You're right.

[POWER TOOL GRINDING]

Hey! Hey! Hey, what about it, huh?

What about it, please?

[COUGHS]

No. How do you expect me to create

angels, doves and saints all in one week?

All right. Take one extra day.

Impossible. Something has got to go.

Either the angels or the saints.

Uncle? Oh, Carlos!

Please explain to me what's-- Sister Bertrille.

Carlos, it's like you have been reading my mind.

I don't have time now to go into details about the eulogy

but I made some notes for you.

Highlights, like the time I was herring king.

Your funeral is going to be sooner than you think.

Now would you please explain to me all these bills?

Well, oh, they will all be paid.

When? When? When?

On the th or th, depending on how prompt they are.

How prompt who are? Uh, is.

The UAILIC of ST.

The UAILIC of what?

United Amalgamated International Life Insurance Company...

Life Insurance Company of San Tanco. I know.

Yes. They're going to pay for your bills?

Yes. I have made beneficiary to my insurance policy the convent.

There will be plenty left after my bills, don't worry.

It's the most I could do.

Just a moment. Before you start

getting so generous with your money

and putting everybody in bad raps here,

would you please explain to me about the sign?

My own nephew, and you mean you don't know the family sign?

No. Shame.

You don't remember how my sainted grandfather d*ed?

Oh, yes. He was sh*t by a jealous husband

at the age of .

Seven days to the minute after he saw the sign.

And my father, strong heathy man,

right up to the moment that he fell overboard.

After winning the wine-drinking contest.

That's seven days to the minute.

So when I see this big white bird

fly around and around three times

and then go off to the north,

well, then I know for me, that's it.

It's finished. That mean it's all over.

How big was this big white bird?

Big, about--

About big like you, Sister Bertrille.

Okay.

Well, exactly when did you see this big bird?

Tuesday noon when I was drying the nets.

Pablo Picasso, may I have a word with you?

Oh, yes. Excuse me, please.

You know these temperamental artists.

Uh, don't tell me. It was you.

Well, there was this crosswind.

I knew it all the time

Yeah, and I didn't have enough starch in my cornet.

I was aerodynamically unstable.

Not as unstable as you left him.

Well, we're just gonna have to tell him.

Gonna have to break it to him gently.

In the state that he's in, he's not gonna believe anything

unless he sees it with his own eyes.

Do you think you can do a-a fly by

without, uh, anybody seeing it?

Well, I know the perfect spot. But I'm gonna need your help.

All right. No saints. One angel and one dove.

Two angels.

One angel and a chariot.

Two angels.

I hope it's important.

I don't have much time to k*ll.

Besides, I promised Luisa I'd take her on a boat ride.

You're gonna have plenty of time for boat rides later.

But now you have to promise me

that what you're gonna see is between the two of us. Okay?

Don't worry. Dead men don't tell no tales.

All right. What is the big secret?

Wait.

Hey, the view is below.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, uncle, look! Look, over there!

Look! Uncle, look!

Uncle?

Oh, no!

Oh, poor Thomas.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Momentito.

[♪♪♪]

How is he? How is he?

Oh, he knew. He knew.

Now is the beginning of the end.

Is that what the doctor said?

Oh, what do the doctors know?

Look at him lying in there. Poor man.

I'll be right back as soon as I find a priest.

A priest? What for?

So we can get married.

It's the least I can do for him now.

Oh, Sister.

Carlitos, hand me the bible on the table.

A few last thoughts for the eulogy.

Sister, how is the choir coming on?

Uncle, would you please knock it off?

I talked to the doctor. He says it's all in your mind.

Oh, sure, sure.

I suppose I was just imagining the bird again.

That was no bird. That was me.

It is true. That's why I took you up on the hill,

to show you that when you fainted.

It was me both times. The first time,

I was on my way to the market.

Yeah. She got caught in a crosswind.

Not enough starch.

Thank you. Thank you very much,

both of you for trying to help an old man feel better.

But whoever thought!

You did. And you better believe it.

All right. All right. Anything you say.

But first, please, I want you to be witnesses to the wedding.

Well, you're not gonna go through with this.

Not in your condition. Why not?

It's not going to be no great sacrifice.

I'm not going to live with her.

Sister Bertrille.

Carlos. Hello.

Thomas? Hmm?

Please. Thomas, are you sure this is what you want?

Yes, yes, please. Yes.

Please make it short. Yes.

Luisa, I want you to stand here.

Yes. That's right.

Oh, do that again, Luisa. It feels so good.

[CLEARS THROAT] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God

to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

[♪♪♪]

Therefore men must not separate what God has joined together.

Do you, Thomas Sebastian Martinez

take Luisa Francisca Montero to be your lawfully-wedded wife

until death do you part?

Thomas?

Thomas?

You were right!

I never felt better in my life!

[WHOOPING]

What, he's delirious.

He's all right. Lie down now.

Luisa? Please, Thomas.

Come on. That's better.

Anything you say.

Sister!

How did you do it?

Uh, just, uh, went heavy on the starch.

Sister Bertrille? Yes?

Would you please explain to me what this is all about?

I think I saw a vision.

Yeah. A vision?

A vision. You should know all about that in your business.

[CLEARS THROAT] Shall we continue?

Excuse me, Father.

Luisa? Yes?

Unfortunately, I have some wonderful news.

I just found out I'm going to live.

What's wrong with that?

It's terrible.

Since I'm going to be around for a while,

I cannot afford to get married.

I guess you'll have to fish

night and day to pay those bills.

Let's get back to the wonderful news.

My last husband left enough money for both of us.

I had the feeling that you were doing this out of pity.

I have the same feeling about you.

And I have a feeling you guys just needed an excuse

to do something you should have done years ago.

[♪♪♪]

Any time you're ready, Father.

I will have to start from the beginning.

Pay attention.

We are gathered here in the sight of God

to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

NARRATOR: Thomas's wake did not go to waste.

Like Jonah delivered from the belly of the whale,

Thomas was delivered back to his friends.

And the occasion was marked by the biggest celebration

since they connected San Tanco to the main highway.

♪ Blow, boys, blow! ♪

[SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Blow, my bully boys, blow ♪

[ALL CHEER]

MAN: Speech! Speech!

No, no, no, no.

I am not going to bore you with my gratitude.

But instead, I have a pleasant surprise for you.

My nephew, Carlos, has been spending a lot of time

on a sort of, uh, testimonial which he will now read for us.

But this is ridiculous.

Which will be read for us

by none other than Sister Bertrille.

This is embarrassing.

It's not embarrassing to me. Why should it embarrass you?

Because this is an eulogy.

It's for a different type of occasion.

I want to enjoy it while I'm still here.

Read it.

Read it. They're waiting.

[♪♪♪]

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this solemn occasion

"to pay tribute to a prince of a man.

No, a king. King of the herring festival."

[ALL APPLAUD]

BERTRILLE: "...was only one of his many accomplishments.

"Although he's no longer with us,

"his memory will never be erased from our hearts.

"He left his mark on all us,

"and all of us will miss him dreadfully.

[SOBS]

That's all right. Cry, my darling, cry.

You have every reason to.

I was a wonderful man.

[♪♪♪]