In October of 1979,
a death row inmate
named Jack Harding
escaped police custody
and proceeded to go
on a k*lling spree
in the sleepy farming community
of Hackleburg, Alabama.
You're saying that you think
he's still alive, don't you?
I know he is.
He would seemingly appear
from thin air,
a force of nature empowered
by the onset of autumn.
You and this town is linin' up
for a third Saturday in October
slaughterhouse!
Stop, please! Stop!
Stop! Stop!
He would return
to haunt Hackleburg
three more times
throughout the 1980s,
continuously defying death
as he left a trail of carnage
in his wake.
Are you even in there?
His victims
would be young and old
with no regard for the
innocence of human life.
This game
is f*cking impossible.
Baby.
Is this really what you
wanna be doing right now?
Stop,
you're gonna get me k*lled.
You don't wanna see my tits?
Not right now.
Baby, come on.
He's usually
all over the place.
More like all over me.
After an att*ck in 1987,
Harding vanished
without a trace.
And for the past six years,
the residents of Hackleburg
have made it through
the third Saturday in October
without incident.
This year however,
they are about to see
some real crazy sh*t.
...107.7
Alabama sports radio...
Reports out of Mobile tell us
that receivers and backup
quarterback Tex Coorley
were out on the practice
field this evenin'.
Now, all I can make of this is
that Coach Redd just found out
Nate Barker
can't play tomorrow.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Coach Redd wouldn't
advertise it to the world
if his starting quarterback
couldn't play.
This is the old ball coach
tryin' to mess with A&M
and head coach Manny Parish.
Nothin' more, nothin' less.
You disrespected me!
That was inappropriate dancin'!
There ain't no ifs,
ands or buts about it.
Ugh, I swear, Ronnie,
if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna stay
at my mama's house tonight.
I know where
you wanna sleep tonight
and it sure as hell
ain't your mama's house.
Listen to yourself.
You're drunk, drunk, drunk!
Hold on now,
I ain't done talkin' to you.
Oh! Ugh, how dare you?
Why'd you hit me
with that damn door?
Oh, I wish you walked
square into that sucker.
I wish it knocked you clean out!
Oh, I bet.
That way you'd have
all the free time in the world
to run around
with old Johnny Stevens.
You know what?
I don't have to
listen to you anymore.
- I swear I've had it.
- Oh, yeah?
Well, we know
who you do listen to, don't we?
Old Johnny Stevens.
I saw y'all a dancin'.
His hands all over my woman.
A married woman dancin'
with a school vice principal.
- That's ridiculous!
- Shut up, Ronnie!
I bet Johnny Stevens
don't cut his own damn firewood,
I tell you that.
Son of a bitch
tryin' to dance with my woman.
I should've clocked his ass
across the dance floor.
Bum-ass can't keep
a job no way.
Ain't fit for nothing.
Look-it, baby,
I'm sorry about earlier.
I know I got you all riled up.
I just saw Johnny Stevens
and you dancin' like that,
and well,
considering I'd been drinkin',
and you know how I get when I
get the hard stuff in me, honey.
Well, you know better
than to drink it.
Oh, I begged you
not to get like this tonight,
- and look what happened.
- I know, I know.
Thing about it is, baby...
I can't help it.
When I got a woman
as beautiful as you,
I see Johnny Stevens
with his meat hooks
all over you,
well, it's just
natural response for me
to get a little bit teed off.
You know I'm sorry. I really am.
Aw, hon.
That still ain't no excuse
for yellin' at me like you did.
I know it, I know it.
And I tell you what?
When we go to church on Sunday,
that's the first thing
I'mma pray about.
You'll go to church with me?
Well, of course,
it's been too long.
I owe Jesus a visit.
- I love you, Ronnie.
- Oh, I love you too, baby.
Good Lord.
Phew!
These must be new, huh?
Yeah, K-Mart special.
So, you tellin' me
I got K-Mart to blame
for all these dirty thoughts
bouncin' around in my head?
Stop it!
Where you are
Heartbeat, heartbeat
One more time again
Are you up there
In the clouds
So far away
From heartbeat, heartbeat
One more time
I will get it right
I can make it this time
I know what I've got to do
Heartbeat for me
- I won't hesitate
- Who's playin' that damn music?
What the f*ck you doin'
in my house?
Amy! Amy, call 9-1-1, baby!
We got us an intruder in here!
What's that, Ronnie?
Wait a minute.
Is that you in there,
Johnny Stevens?
I swear to God,
you got a lot
of nerve comin' here.
What you're lookin' for
The heartbeat of a miracle
Ronnie?
One more time again
And they tell me
I will feel it
- And my face it will show
- Ronnie!
Ronnie, you're freaking me out!
One more time
I will get it right
Ronnie?
I can make it this time
Oh, my God!
Honey, what happened?
You know what
f*ckin' happened.
Oh, my God, you're bleedin'!
I know I'm f*ckin' bleedin'.
Your g*dd*mn boyfriend
tryin' to k*ll me.
Shh. Baby,
what are you talkin' about?
Oh, the jig's up, woman!
Don't you try to play dumb.
Honey, what-- no,
what are you talkin' about?
Stop accusin' me of that.
I don't know
what you're talkin' about!
Johnny g*dd*mn Stevens,
he's in our f*ckin' house
and you know it!
- You had me f*ckin' k*lled!
- Baby.
There's that
son-of-a-bitch now.
Come on, Johnny,
take off that mask.
I'm on to y'all.
God! Oh, Amy!
Why'd you s*ab her?
You m*therf*cking lunatic.
You've reached
Ronnie and Amy parker.
We've gone fishin'.
Leave a message
after the beep. Beep.
Ronnie, listen, buddy, this is
old Johnny Stevens callin'.
I-- I just wanted to call
and apologize about--
Well, about what went down
at the dance hall
earlier this evenin'.
I-- I realized
I didn't had no business
dancing with Amy
the way I was.
Look, I justs-- I just wanted
to call and say I'm sorry,
and I hope
there's no hard feelings.
Hey, listen,
you enjoy that game tomorrow.
Wanna see them Seahawks
whoop up on A&M.
And I hope
you'll forgive me, buddy.
Talk to you later.
Toodle-oo, y'all.
...kick-off
for tomorrow's showdown
between the
Alabama Mobile Seahawks
and Tennessee A&M Commonwealth
now only hours away,
sports fans are at fever pitch
over what promises to be
one of the great
college football showdowns
of the year.
And as always, Channel 2's
sports correspondent
Kitty Kennedy
was able to catch up
with Alabama Mobile
head coach Amos Redd
earlier this evening.
Kitty has more from Mobile.
Coach, if you do need to go
with the backup quarterback,
how does that change
the offensive game plan?
I tell you what? Let's do--
Let's why don't I just
drop everything we're doin',
you and I go back in the office?
I'll open up the playbook,
and show you
everything we're gonna run,
and you can write it down.
- How about that?
- That sounds great.
- Yeah, okay, alright.
- Let's go!
Look, tomorrow's third
Saturday in October, right?
Everybody in Seahawk nation
knows what that means.
Now, these boys
know what it means
and they're gonna be ready,
alright?
That is a Coach Redd guarantee.
That's something
you can write down.
Third Saturday in October.
Well, Boomer,
it's almost game time,
so we might as well
get that final prediction in.
What you thinkin'?
I'm goin' with my gut
on this one.
Tennessee A&M, 17,
Alabama Mobile, 14.
The Commonwealth
break the streak today,
no matter who the Seahawks
put at quarterback.
Wrong as usual, Boomer.
There's gonna be more points
up on that scoreboard
and the streak
is gonna continue.
I'm takin' the Seahawks 35-24.
- I made breakfast!
- Oh, Lordy, mercy, PJ!
I thought you knew
better than this.
I said you could have
one regular bowl of cereal.
If you eat all this,
you're gonna be sick.
Well, I don't even want cereal.
I want Catfish Cabin!
Catfish Cabin! Catfish Cabin!
Well, I'm about to leave,
but maybe Maggie
can take you, okay?
Okay.
Old man coming through.
The Commonwealth strut,
the Commonwealth strut,
the Commonwealth strut.
Come on in,
join the Commonwealth strut!
What?
Come on, baby,
I really need your help
getting this side of my face.
Can we please
just wait until we're there?
- Vampire cat.
- Oh, absolutely not.
Last time we b*at 'Bama,
I went out
looking just like this.
You wanna go
to Catfish Cabin with me?
- That was 1985!
- Come on!
- Are you a catfish?
- The Commonwealth need this.
Do you have friends
at Catfish Cabin?
You're gonna
have to do dishes.
See you later, Pennywise.
I'll do dishes--
For a year?
Maggie is here.
Creepy and sullen
And running out of room
- Hi, Maggie!
- Hey, PJ!
- In my little tomb
- Oh!
- Hey.
- Hi.
- How're you doin'?
- Good. Good morning.
So, are you sure
this is gonna be okay?
Definitely.
Okay, because we can come back
at midnight if we need to.
Tomorrow morning
is totally fine.
Okay.
Go Commonwealth!
Stop being annoying.
PJ has spoken.
- Okay, give me that.
- Mm.
Okay, bye, baby. We love you.
- Alright, we'll see you.
- See you later.
Oof, now I know
why you're always so happy
to see me.
Okay.
My mom said you should
to take me Catfish Cabin,
and I deserve it,
because I've been
getting good grades.
PJ, we've been over this.
They don't serve breakfast.
Well, we should just
drive over there and check.
And my mom said you shouldn't
smoke those things around me.
PJ.
Yes?
I think it's time
for you to shut up.
Okay.
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
If they left us alone now
Would we cry or would we
Feel the same as we do
Na, na, na
Could you move me around now
Could you find in your heart
the strength to be true
Na, na, na
It seems to me, baby
You better
lead your life alone
Oh, you better go
If they left us alone now
So if we're alone now
If they left us alone now
So if we're alone now
If they left us alone now
So if we're alone now
If they left us alone now
So if we're alone now
Alabama Mobile's quest
for another undefeated season
will be challenged today
as the Seahawks travel
to Johnson City
to face the 9th ranked
Tennessee A&M Commonwealth.
Jeffery Baumhauer
has more live coverage
from Randy Hale Memorial Stadium
coming up soon.
And for our top story
this morning,
authorities are tracking
a k*ller on the loose today...
PJ, do you want a sandwich?
...of a funeral home employee.
Yesterday afternoon
outside of Grefe County.
Hey, kiddo,
do you want a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich?
...from Vicki Culpepper.
Vicki, we gonna
need those umbrellas today?
Thanks, Gordon,
but you won't need your umbrella
until tonight when we expect
some brief showers...
Really holdin' out
for that Catfish Cabin?
For the most part,
today is cool and sunny...
Meow. Meow. Meow.
Hello, Glamourpuss.
Now, some areas
may appear cloudy and sunny
- at the same time.
- Hello!
As us meteorologists
like to say,
- That's just the weather.
- PJ: Are you hungry?
For all football fans,
today should make
for the perfect third Saturday
in October experience.
Want me to rub your chin?
Hello, Alabamians...
It's almost time for a meal.
Meow. Meow, meow, meow.
Glamourpuss.
Ah-ha! Oh! Yes!
Oh, my God, Betsy,
this is my lucky charm!
Oh, man.
It's our lucky day.
What exactly
are you talkin' about, honey?
This is the
fumblerooski helmet of '84.
Oh.
Oh, this is the helmet
McLintock was wearin'
when he scored
the winning touchdown.
Sounds amazing.
Do you have to be
so overdramatic, Arthur?
You're such a baby!
Jeez!
Ain't no trespassin'
around here, boy.
Especially by some
mask-wearin' weirdo.
Hey!
Now, don't you
do nothing stupid, boy.
Well...
you got some big balls on you.
Well, I got some big uns, too,
and that's why they call me
Big Willie Nathan.
Now, I'm goin' up here
to do my chore.
Little kitty cats
ain't gonna feed their selves.
Now, when I turn back around,
I best see your ass
headin' down that road.
You and the hearse
you rode in on.
If you're lookin' to get
your brain scrambled here today,
boy, you are in luck.
Cause the skillet's on the stove
and the grease is already hot.
Okay, buddy boy,
you about to go
from the fryin' pan to the fire.
What in tarnation?
Look here, son,
I tried to warn you.
Now, what you should have done
was acted like a gravy train
on biscuit wheels
and rolled your ass
on out of here!
Oh. Whoa, whoa, look.
Whoa, now! Whoa!
Alright, PJ,
let's go to the video store.
Get it!
- Oowie!
- We're going to
the video store.
...the eyes
at the back of my head
And I know it's not me
I'm not the one
I'm not moving, moving
Moving me
And I'm not the one
I'm not the one moving me
...sl*ve moving
Some cheap...
Don't know where to run
Don't know where to run
Don't know where to run
Don't know where to run
Don't know where to go
Go, Johnny, go
Go, Johnny, go
Hey, y'all,
it's your old pal Hank.
Owner and operator
of Hank's Good Stuff.
Lettin' you know about
our very special half-off sale
we're havin' today
durin' the Alabama Mobile
Tennessee A&M football game.
So, come on down
any time durin' the game
where everything...
- Is half off.
- Is half off.
Hank's Good Stuff's located
5525, Highway 2 in Hackleburg.
Right next door
to Bronco Burger.
Hello?
Peter, George,
and Lester j-- Juric.
Peter!
Now, open this damn door.
- Oh, so, help me God.
- It's time for a-- a--
Alaba-- Bama mo--
Mobile beatdown.
Peter. Peter. Pumpkin eater.
Open up this front door.
- Y'all!
- Hello!
- It's time for some football!
- I f*cking hear you.
Open the door!
Yeah, yeah, dude,
I f*ckin' hear you, man.
I can f*ckin' hear you.
You're bein' loud enough.
George, I can do this.
- Ow!
- Oh, what?
- George.
- Jesus Christ, man.
- George, just--
- f*ckin' serious?
Damn, you f*cking crippled?
Watch the door!
Man, what gives, you fuckwads?
The game doesn't start
for like 30 minutes.
Now, Peter,
is that any way
to talk to your friends?
Cussin' us out
for bein' 30 minutes early?
f*ck you, ret*rd!
Why don't you
get up out of that chair
and fight me
if you don't f*ckin' like it?
Jesus Christ, P-- Peter.
I just thought we'd d--
drop in a little early is all.
Calm down.
O-- okay. I'm-- I'm calm.
I'm calm.
Hey, man, you know I was
just messin' with you, right?
Come on, now. Huh? Come on.
Yeah, we're cool.
C'mon man, let's go get high.
Yeah, alright.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
What about me?
Lester, what about you, huh?
What, you expect us
to carry your fat ass
up and down these steps
all g*dd*mn day and night?
Think I'm gonna pull
a hernia over you, little guy?
Would you lighten up on him?
Dude, I'm--
I'm tryin' to toughen him up.
He's a little bitch.
Say, Peter,
why you got a hearse out
at the end of your driveway?
Say, Lester,
there's not a f*ckin' hearse
at the end of the driveway.
Peter, I know
what a hearse looks like.
It's as plain as day,
out there
at the end of your driveway!
Yeah, well, I know
what a jackass looks like.
Sittin' in a wheelchair,
yellin' at me from downstairs.
Shut the f*ck up!
I fill the hours
With the black of my head
I see through the eyes
at the back of my head
And I know it's not me
I'm not the one
Who is moving
Moving, moving me
And I'm not the one
I'm not the one moving me
- Hey, Holcomb.
- Hi, PJ.
- Hey.
- Hey. What's up?
You guys, um,
havin' a big movie marathon?
Yes, and PJ gets to rent
whatever she wants.
Really?
Yes, as long as
when you're watchin' it,
I can go next door
and watch the game.
Whatever.
Okay, but are you sure
you wanna do that?
I mean George
and Sharon are back together.
Don't you wanna avoid
that love triangle drama?
They're not
getting back together.
If you say so.
Just don't be surprised
if Sharon tries to punch you out
the next time she sees you.
What? So, my friends
are having a party next door
and I can't go just cause
George has a crush on me?
You like him, too.
No, I don't. George, really?
Yeah, George really.
Those eyebrows? [chuckling]
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, yeah.
I just don't wanna see you
in another
messed up relationship.
I appreciate you're tryin'
to look out for me right now,
but this is different.
George is different.
- Are these okay?
- Mm-hm.
Hoosiers? Really?
I like basketball.
So when are you clockin' out?
As soon as Cody's
slow ass gets here.
He's already 15 minutes late.
Okay, we'll be outside.
Can we please go
to Catfish Cabin?
No, they're only open
for dinner.
Why do I get the feeling
you're lying to me?
PJ, I would never lie to you.
I'm the one person in your life
that you could always count on
to be real with you,
no matter what.
Okay?
Whoo...
Man, I'm gonna
bag Holcomb tonight.
I thought you
were all over Angela.
Well, I'mma bag her, too!
See, Holcomb's
spendin' the night with Maggie,
so I'mma have to
get that in before halftime.
Then I'll have
the rest of the night
with Angela.
Man, I get playin'
the field and all,
but that's some really
questionable decision-making.
What?
Are you f*cking kidding me?
I'm being judged by the guy
who's tryin' to bag Maggie
and Sharon at the same time.
That is highly inaccurate,
my f-- friend.
I am a single man.
Yeah. Yeah, you're s--single,
cause your d*ck
is ready to wander.
Man, if Maggie wasn't
giving you the signs right now,
you'd still be shopping
for engagement rings
with Sharon, you little prick.
- I'll check on my brother.
- "I'll check on my brother."
Yeah, you need to check him
into a mental institute,
that's where you need
to check him into.
We all know he's
faking that sh*t anyway, man.
Don't mess with the crew
Wanna challenge me
Callin' out my brothers,
Yo, I see, how it's gonna be
S-- stupid, Peter!
Who's got the last laugh
I'm the witch of my craft
There'll be no mistakin'
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
What the f*ck is this
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
Yeah, you better be ready
To drop like a rock, fool
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
Ha, ha, ha
Better sh**t your best
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
Be mine for the takin'
Be mine for the takin'
This hood'll be mine
For the takin'
The deed's been done
You better run
- Ladies.
- Hi.
Sharon. Hi.
Hi, there!
It's about time y'all showed up.
Hey, Sharon.
Hi, Lester.
Oh, it's good to see y'all.
Ready to watch some football?
Yeah.
Well, hello, hello, ladies.
f*ck, f*ck!
Welcome to my humble abod.
Who's ready for some football?
It's abode, jackass.
Sharon, you look so adorable.
Look at you. [kisses]
Angela, have you ever
looked more beautiful?
Oh, stop it!
Hey! Why don't we get
that game going?
- Oh, yeah, let's do it.
- We don't wanna miss kick-off.
This week's episode
of Northern Exposure--
We'll be back right after
this commercial break.
For over 75 years,
the UAM CR...
We actually gonna watch
some football, Peter,
or we're just gonna watch you
play on your nana's TV?
We will be watchin' football
when I get it
on the right channel.
- Is half off.
- And it's my meemaw's TV.
Band of diet special--
There it is.
There we go. [grunts]
The Commonwealth
is gonna whoop that ass, baby.
...just don't have
the patience right now.
What the f*ck?
Uh...
Man, who the f*ck are you?
Oh, hi!
I'm Neil Pritchard.
Uh, Lester Juric invited me
to come over and watch the game.
Yo, what the f*ck, man?
You invited
some stranger to my house?
That ain't no stranger.
That's Neil,
I told you about him!
That's my physical therapist.
Oh, yeah,
your physical therapist!
I'm sorry, I forgot.
Yo, what's with the get-up, pal?
I was under the impression
that this was a costume party.
Nice goin', jackass.
You got this man all dressed up
and now you're makin'
a damn fool out of him.
Stop being such a jerk, Peter.
Yeah, l-- lighten up, Peter.
Yeah, lighten up.
- What the f*ck?
- That is a 15-yard penalty
on Peter for being a real
ungrateful party host.
Oh, he told you.
How's them eardrums, Peter?
Yeah,
that's real f*ckin' funny.
Welcome to the party, man.
Yeah,
don't be such a d*ck, Peter.
Yo, last time I checked,
referees wore pants.
I don't wear pants.
Ain't no football
without no drinks, Peter.
Be a better host.
Get us some drinks.
Why don't you
roll your f*ckin' fat ass
in the kitchen
and get 'em yourself?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
go easy.
Thank you, Neil.
Oh, man. Oh!
- Yeah. Here we go, here we go.
- Yeah, yep.
- w*r, damn, Seahawk!
- w*r, damn, Seahawk!
Wonderful. Come on.
Oh, my God. Seriously, bro?
Hey, let's order a pizza
or something.
Hey. Hey, chill out.
The game's on, alright?
Sorry, but I'm hungry.
Not my problem.
No, she's right.
Let's go order a pizza.
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
Pepperoni.
- Yep. Yep, yep.
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Thank you.
...highlighted here
by Cordell Billings
out of Moulton, Alabama.
How many damn people
does it take to order a pizza?
I've been
waiting on you to do that
since you walked in the door.
You know,
we should respect
my meemaw's kitchen and um,
go upstairs.
Why don't you go
order the pizza, hmm?
Seriously?
Oh, I'm gonna bag that ass.
I'm O'Toole, baby.
I'm Peter f*cking O'Toole.
Gross.
Why would he do that?
Whoa!
Alright, PJ,
we're goin' next door
to watch the game.
- Can I come?
- No, it's a grown-up party.
Well, you're
just watching football.
Any idiot can do that.
Okay,
but you're not gonna have fun.
- Okay.
- Alright!
I'm going to a grown-up party!
Just stay in the pocket.
As the game rages on,
and with the sun
hanging low in the sky,
Maggie, PJ, and Holcomb begin
their trek across the road
to Peter's party house,
unaware these will be
the final moments of innocence
they experience
in their short lives,
for as darkness falls
across Hackleburg,
so too does the long shadow
of Jack Harding.
He is a golden god.
Shut the f*ck up, Lester!
In all my years coachin'
University of Alabama Mobile,
I'm asked from time to time,
Coach, how do you handle
a tough loss?
Well, for me, personally,
I like to take a long walk
with my dog Frisco,
scratch the belly
of my old cat Mr. Magic,
but more and more
here in America,
animals are bein' neglected,
goin' homeless,
and wind up being euthanized.
So, take some advice
from old Coach Redd, won't you?
Make sure you
have your cats and dogs spayed
and neutered.
If you won't do it for me...
do it for my old friend
Mr. Magic here.
Ain't that right, Magic? Huh?
It's a cat!
Now, you tell em,
Coach Redd.
Randy Hale Memorial Stadium
here in Johnson City, Tennessee.
Our score
in the late first quarter
is Alabama Mobile, 7,
Tennessee A&M, 7.
The hand-off goes off
to Riley Rambo
and he's gonna be stuffed
around the 33-yard line
by number--
Hey, tryin' to watch
a game over here!
Hey, if you could dance,
you'd be out here
strutting your stuff, too.
Alright, bucko, I've heard
about all I'm gonna hear
outta you tonight.
The f*ck you gonna
do about it, cr*pple?
Well, try this on for size,
O'Toole.
No, no! No!
That's my Kn*fe!
You pulled a f*ckin' Kn*fe
on me, Lester?
I expect more of you, Lester.
Fucker.
- Now, you gotta pay.
- Uh, no, get away!
Where's your
f*ckin' Kn*fe now.
Peter, you assh*le.
Get off me. Oh!
What? He tried to pull
a f*ckin' Kn*fe on me.
He's lucky
I didn't mess him up royally.
You know what?
You'll get this back
with good behavior, you asshat.
You guys, dammit.
Why can't you-- j-- just--
just try and have a good time?
We are havin' a good time.
That's right.
You can walk on clouds.
- Yeah.
- Nice, soft, fluffy clouds.
Okay.
Yeah. Alright.
You're alright. Good.
Hey.
Yeah.
Peter thinks he can get you
and Holcomb tonight.
The b-- both of y'all.
What the f*ck?
Who does he think we are?
Hey there, little lady.
Where'd you come from?
Well,
sometimes I'm over there,
sometimes I'm over here,
and sometimes I'm up there.
Alright, then,
usually I'm just right here
in this here chair.
Well, you look lonely.
I can teach you how to dance
and you can dance with me.
Yeah, okay.
Hey.
- You got room for one more?
- Sure do.
Hey, what's the ETA
on that pizza?
Hey, Sharon,
here's a radical thought.
If you want a pizza,
just order it yourself.
Village Pizza.
How can I help you?
Hi, I'd like to place
an order for delivery.
Can you tell me the address?
Um, yeah, hold on.
450, Red Bank Road.
We don't deliver
outside the city limits.
Oh, I understand.
I can come pick it up.
Okay. What do you want?
Um, I would just like
a pepperoni pizza
and some bread sticks.
Uh, we're out of pepperoni
due to the statewide
pepperoni shortage.
Um, cheese is fine.
Name for the order?
Sharon.
Can you spell it?
S-H-A-R-O-N.
Okay,
give us 10 to 45 minutes.
Okay, great, thanks.
For nothing.
No.
Okay, so check this out.
- You are not
gonna believe this.
- What?
George told me that Peter
is gonna try to hook up
with both of us tonight.
Are you kidding me? Ugh!
Uh, I literally
made out with him.
- No.
- Whatever.
I've got a plan.
Well, in that case,
let's hear it.
Let's party
Let's party
Let's party
Let's party
Let's party
Let's party
Let's party
You ladies wanna do
some more dancing?
Uh, we were actually
hoping that you should
show us
some dance moves... upstairs.
Yes, absolutely. Let's go.
Meow.
Meow.
Hey, Maggie?
Hey, kiddo.
Grown-up party got too boring?
Actually,
I'm looking for Glamourpuss.
Right, I'm sure. Okay.
Well, uh, be safe
and uh, be clean.
- Bye, Maggie.
- Okay, have fun with the dust.
What is she doing back there?
Well, just playin' in dirt.
I don't know.
Kids.
We're so glad
you're into this, Peter.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, we're so lucky.
Yeah, you really are.
I mean we've been
thinking about it forever.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
About... each other...
and you.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
But you have to let us
have our way with you.
Oh, that's not a problem.
Go for it, okay.
What are y'all doing?
Um...
Okay. Um...
Uh-- uh, yeah,
alright, just put--
Put that right up there.
God, you are like makin'
all of my fantasies
come true right now.
And you have no idea.
Shouldn't I be tyin' y'all up,
instead of you tyin' me up,
cause, I just-- Oh.
No, we wanna do it this way.
Oh, okay.
We wanna show you our titties.
- Alright, well...
- Hmm.
Whose do you wanna see first?
Um, doesn't
really matter to me.
How about both
at the same time?
Hmm.
What if we get
someone else to join in?
Would you want Maggie
or Sharon?
If you asked me 10 times,
I would say Maggie's name
every f*ckin' time.
Like do you really think
I wanna see Sharon's titties?
Come on. Maggie.
- We'll be right back.
- Okay. Um...
Alright, I'll just wait here.
Yes.
Oh, my God, I'm about to
f*ck three of the most
bodacious b*tches
in Hackleburg history.
I deserve this.
And you certainly deserve this.
Yeah.
Oh, welcome back.
- They're on their way.
- Okay.
Holcomb's trying
to talk Maggie into it.
Okay.
Until then...
Ooh, we should take it all off.
I like the sound of that.
That's fine with me.
Mm-hm.
It'll be better
if nobody can hear you scream.
Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
A little birdie told me
you wanted to see some titties.
We brought you
the biggest ones in Alabama.
Take it in. Take it in.
Isn't this what you wanted, huh?
Isn't this what you wanted?
- Oh, look at that.
- f*ck you, man!
One of these days,
whenever I get up
out of this chair,
I'mma plop 'em right on top
of that red head of yours.
What?
They're bigger than mine.
f*ck you, Peter.
Enjoy your alone time.
Bye.
f*ck you, man!
f*cking piece of sh*t.
What the f*ck are you doing,
man?
w*r, damn, Seahawk!
How did they
leave him wide open?
Must be painful
being an A&M fan.
Uh, you tell her, Neil.
Oh, man, hell of
a series by Barker there.
Pouncin' on 'em
like kittens on a string.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know who would
want to be a Commonwealth fan.
Wanna go upstairs?
Yeah. Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Who's that?
- What do you mean who's that?
- Why is there an old man here?
Oh, man, what a game!
Why is he
dressed like a referee?
I don't know.
Okay, I'm going to the bathroom.
Hey, where you going?
To pick up my pizza.
God, it's just pizza.
Hey, you're getting breadsticks?
Stop it. No.
Alright, well...
let's just t--talk.
- Just talk.
- Mm-hm.
- Alright, just talk.
- Yeah.
Sharon and I are done.
You know, we should
say anything to her or...
I mean, she knows
that we're-- we're over.
Maybe I should.
I've known her my whole life.
Yeah.
Never not told her anything.
Fair, yeah.
So, you wanna...
t-- t--
take our time with it?
- If that's okay.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I r-- I really like you.
I like you, too.
- Thank you for understanding.
- Of course.
What the f*ck, man!
It's not for me
It's for Anna
And I'm sorry, what a pity
There's nothing left
For you and me
Yes, I'm sorry, what a pity
Come back tomorrow
I'll see you next week
And whatever you say
No, I won't change my ways
You know I don't
feel guilty anyway
That's a silly picture.
Yeah.
Maybe you
should head downstairs
before anyone gets suspicious.
I'll hang out here.
- Probably a good idea.
- Yeah.
Boop.
And as we
reach halftime...
Hey, you were in the bathroom
for a really long time.
Are you okay?
Yeah, gross. Be a lady.
Well, it's halftime,
so can we please go
to Catfish Cabin?
Oh, wow,
let me think about that.
- Please.
- Mm, mm, yes.
Really?
- Yes. I said yes.
- Do you wanna come?
- I'm game.
- Yeah!
Okay. Ooh-wooh, Catfish Cabin!
- Catfish Cabin.
- Wooh!
Hey, ladies,
y'all be safe, okay?
And be sure to hurry back
for the third quarter.
That's when the game
gets real fun.
Hey.
Peter, they still
got you tied up in there?
Peter?
I just feel like you had it
c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c--
C-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c--
c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c--
C-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c--
c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c-- c--
Oh!
f*ck, man!
What the f*ck!
Hackleburgians,
we invite you to come try
the new Catfish Cabin.
It's great.
If you don't believe us,
listen to these folks tell you
why we're catfishtastic.
I can't wait to have my
birthday at Catfish Cabin.
Catfish Cabin
is the best place in town
to bring your entire family.
Everyone should come
and eat here.
- Oh, we love Catfish Cabin!
- Oh, we love Catfish Cabin!
- This is our
favorite restaurant.
- This is our favorite diner.
I like their
lemon meringue pie.
I like their nanner pudding.
- We both love desserts.
- We both love desserts.
They have the best
catfish in the country.
And they have
great corndogs, too.
We come here every Saturday
to watch some football games.
Go, Seahawks!
- Go, Catfish Cabin.
- Go, Catfish Cabin.
- We love Catfish Cabin!
- We love Catfish Cabin!
- We want you to come!
- We want you to come!
Bring your grandma.
Come try our hush puppies
and nanner puddin',
located off Highway 17
in Hackleburg,
next to Lone Pine Mall.
Now at locations in
Hartselle and Sulligent.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
Hey, y'all let me know
if you need anything else, okay?
59 miles to Jacksonville
Riding together
Between the lines
You and me on I-95
59 miles to Jacksonville
So, how did
things go earlier?
Oh, it was pretty awkward.
I wouldn't even kiss him.
- You didn't kiss him?
- No!
Why do I
feel like you're lying?
I swear to God I'm not lying.
I feel like I just need to get
Sharon's permission first,
or something.
- She's my friend.
- Her permission?
Raindrops began
to cover our windshield
From a misty morning sky
You know, you guys
are my best friends.
- Aw!
- Aw!
I mean it.
Today's been
one of the best days of my life.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Maybe we can do this
again next week.
Mm, maybe.
And we're back, folks,
with 9 minutes and 32 seconds
remaining in the third quarter.
Tobe, Tennessee A&M
is very much in this ball game.
What do they need
to finish strong?
I think I should go
check on Peter.
What for?
I'm sure he's already got
George up there untyin' him.
Hmm.
Peter, it's Angela.
Come on,
I'm gonna try to apologize.
God, you're such a d*ck.
Okay, fine! Fine!
You can see my titties.
Angela?
Angela!
- What? Oh, my God.
- Angela, right behind you!
That's a 15-yard penalty
on Angela
for stayin' in
an abusive relationship.
You know, we're lucky.
It's the seventh year in a row
since the last m*rder spree.
I wouldn't call us lucky.
It had nothin' to do with us.
We were like 15 the last time.
The last time what?
The last time Jack Harding
went on a m*rder spree.
It's true.
He's the boogeyman
of Hackleburg.
He's k*lled at least 50 people.
And he only comes out
on the third Saturday
in October.
You know, that's today, right?
What does he do
the rest of the time?
Alright,
here's Fanning under center.
Takes a snap and drops back.
- Oh, f*ck!
- He's looking to go deep.
- Oh, no!
- He has a man open.
- No! No, no, no, no!
- He's got 'em!
- What a catch!
- Son-of-a-bitch!
We need to see
the replay for this one.
No, thank you,
I do not want to see the replay.
We're good.
Hey, guys.
Oh hey, Sharon.
Look at this
nice tight spiral.
Fanning takes the snap
and he fumbles it!
This pizza's ice cold.
It was cold
by the time I picked it up,
and now it might
as well be frozen.
Well hell,
just go heat it up in the oven.
I'm sure Peter won't mind.
And if he does, he can suck it.
Good idea, Lester.
You think of everything.
And it's so good
to see John Rider
back on the field
after being suspended
for the last two games
after a reckless
driving charge.
Where is everyone?
Uh, Let's see.
George vanished upstairs
a long time ago.
Angela went to
hook up with Peter.
And Holcomb and Maggie
went to Catfish Cabin
with the kid.
What a night. I'm starving.
What,
you don't like cold pizza?
There's literally
nothing worse than cold pizza.
I'm gonna heat it up
so the cheese
is meltin' off each slice.
It's gonna be so good.
Heck, don't get it too hot.
You'll burn it.
I won't burn it.
I love it hot.
Say, I'd love a slice.
Sure. You guys can have some.
None for me.
I don't eat pizza.
Got it. More for me.
Hey!
Sounds like
a rainstorms are comin' in.
Hope not. I hate rain.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
f*ck.
I can't do anything right.
Dang,
I guess she done b*rned herself
with that pizza.
I told her
she was gonna get it too hot.
That's definitely why
I don't eat pizza.
- Oh, man. sh*t.
- Oh, horseshit!
What an incredible play
by the Commonwealth!
Damn it.
I think these refs
are bein' paid.
I don't know. Maybe.
Oh, God!
- Well, hell.
- We oughtta help her.
That sounds like
a job for you, Neil.
I'm on it.
Hey, bring me a slice
if there's any left.
Hello, Sharon!
Earth to Sharon.
Come in, Sharon.
That's 15-yard penalty on Sharon
for burning the pizza.
Seriously, where are you?
She burnt the pizza to a crisp,
but I can't find her.
Heck, she must be so embarrassed
that she's hidin' away.
I'm attorney Alex Shunnarah.
I can't be pushed around,
cause I carry one of these.
- Hey, Neil.
- Yeah, buddy.
I hate to bother you,
but I gotta go pee.
Yeah, no problem, my friend.
I'll just wheel you
over to the bathroom.
Neil, Neil, buddy,
the bathroom, it's upstairs.
Oh!
Took everyone in this room
to get you up the stairs.
I can't do this myself!
Now is not the time
for semantics, Neil!
Maybe we should
go untie Peter.
- Where's George?
- No!
We can do this!
We? What do you have,
a rat in your pocket?
Maybe I do, Neil!
We need help!
You, me,
and the rat in your pocket.
Hey, guys, we got
an injured player down here!
Guys?
Who doesn't have
a bathroom downstairs?
Yeah, just like f*ckin' Peter
to put his bathroom upstairs.
George?
He can blame his
meemaw all he wants.
Peter?
Can you guys hear me?
Neil, the game is back on!
I'm missin' it!
They can't win
unless I'm watchin'!
Hello, Georgie!
Neil!
Hold on just a minute, Lester.
Come help me up,
so I can watch the game.
They're going to get
a chance to prove it.
Tobe, I see we've
got a flag on the play.
Definitely not
a good way to start this drive.
Oh, hello there.
You gonna give me a hand?
Hey, that's my pocket Kn*fe.
Neil!
- Hello?
- Neil!
Neil, there's some bastard
with a Kn*fe coming
up the stairs!
- Neil?
- Guys?
I don't think he means
- funny business.
- We could use your help.
Oh, my goodness! Oh.
I'm gonna yak.
Neil! Neil!
Deep down field
to Billings and...
Neil!
Neil!
Get yourself together, Neil.
Okay.
Unhand me!
Oh, my God.
How dare you?
Lester!
Oh my god.
Neil!
Neil, things ain't
soundin' too good up there.
Neil!
Kickers are known for
getting in their own head...
Maybe y'all are just
playin' some kinda prank
on poor old Lester.
Neil!
Oh, no!
I've got to get out of here.
Okay, remember Neil's words.
I am one with the universe.
I can walk on clouds.
I am one with the universe.
I can walk on clouds.
Oh!
I'm not the one
I'm not moving
Moving, moving me
Alright, I'm gonna put PJ
to bed and I'll be over later.
Okay. I'm sure
George will be thrilled.
- Goodnight, Holcomb.
- Goodnight.
- You be good, okay?
- Okay.
You're special.
So are you.
- Alright, I'll see you.
- Bye!
Bye!
Do you think it'd be okay
if I stay up and watch my movie?
Mm, I don't know, kiddo.
It's way past your bedtime.
Just moments ago, A&M...
Hello? Guys?
Guys?
And that would
really mean a lot to me
if I didn't know that
the world was controlled
by lizard people...
What the hell is going on?
Guys?
Guys, is everyone okay?
Is Lester okay?
Guys?
Hello?
What the hell did you guys do?
Holcomb, please untie me...
Peter.
Holy cow, holy cow, holy cow.
Okay, wait. Oh, wait, hold on.
Oh, I just-- I can't--
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Holcomb, we gotta
get the f*ck out of here.
What did you guys do?
What the hell? I can't take--
What the f*ck, man?
Oh sh*t!
Oh, sh*t! God damn it!
Oh! Oh, sh--
Oh! Oh, f*ck!
Welcome back
to the Witching Hour.
Now, we're going to
take a trip down memory lane.
Alabama Mobile
has called their last timeout.
They're gonna have time
to take one more sh*t
at the end zone.
You can feel
the nervous energy here.
These Commonwealth people
are four seconds away
from ending
nine years of misery.
We'll return
to Randy Hale Memorial Stadium
after this commercial break.
You can't k*ll
Peter f*cking O'Toole, baby.
I'm outta here.
Oh, f*ck!
Oh, no, no, no, no, come on!
Oh, m*therf*cker.
What the f*ck are you doin'?
Sh--
f*ck! What the f*ck!
...you can test drive
the all new 1995...
The only location in the state
where it's available right now.
Come on down
to Bigelow Delhun
just three rights
past the Bronco Burger
on County Road 2.
We're the only
business out there,
it's hard to miss us.
And ask for Jeff,
but if you see Cindy first,
don't bother.
Tune into
Channel 2 News at 10:00 p.m.
with anchors Linda Brock
and Gordon Long.
As well as meteorologist
Vicki Culpepper
and sports anchor Ryan Graham.
Here we go, partner.
This is it!
Barker takes the snap.
He's looking,
looking to the end zone.
He lets it fly!
Touchdown! Touchdown!
Cordell Billings caught it!
Alabama Mobile
has won the game!
What a finish! What a game!
What a third Saturday!
The Mobile fans here
are going crazy!
It's bedlam.
They're storming out
onto the field.
They're not gonna keep 'em
off the field tonight, Roger.
Are you gonna
be gone all night?
No, I'm just goin' next door
to say bye.
I'll be right back.
Well, I'm gonna
get a little scared
being here by myself.
You have nothin'
to be scared of.
- It's okay.
- What about Jack Harding?
Holcomb was
just messing with you.
Jack Harding d*ed
a long time ago.
Mm, let's say hypothetically,
if he actually came,
what should I do?
If Jack Harding
actually came here,
take these two fingers,
you jab 'em
right into his eyeballs
s*ab really far back,
and then you're gonna
karate-chop him in his throat
like that,
so he can't breathe,
and then you
kick him in the balls,
and then you take
the sharpest thing
you could find, and s*ab him.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Or you probably
don't have to do that,
cause I would never let
anything happen to you, okay?
Just leave it all to me.
I got you.
- Same.
- Okay.
Be back in a jiff.
- Hey, Maggs.
- Mm-hm?
Thanks for the catfish.
You got it.
Plenty more
catfish dinners to come.
Did we win?
...pick up a sack full today.
Three locations...
Peter?
Lester got his revenge, huh?
Very nice work.
Big insurance companies
work very hard to make sure
you don't get
a fair settlement.
I'm attorney Alex Shunnarah.
I can't be pushed around
cause I carry one of these.
Pick up the phone and call us.
- Call him!
- Call him!
It's really all I can offer.
Peter?
Don't let the insurance
company push you around.
- Call me and I'll be...
- Peter?
Tune into Channel 2 News
at 10:00 p.m.--
With anchors Linda Brock...
Holcomb? [panting]
Hello, Alabamians, this is...
Faye Moss with an important
campaign message.
My opponent Dean Klooster
recently admitted
he's been in therapy
for over 30 years.
As your Governor,
I want you to know that
I have never,
nor will I ever,
step foot in
a therapists office...
I--
I don't know what's goin' on.
I just got here,
all my friends are dead, please.
PJ.
PJ!
PJ!
PJ?
PJ?
PJ?
I k*lled him! I k*lled him!
Oh, my God,
I'm so sorry I wasn't here.
That-- that's--
that's not right.
PJ, go, run to the car, run!
He's a zombie.
He's a zombie. He's a zombie!
f*ck!
PJ, Kn*fe.
Run, PJ, go!
Oh.
How's it goin', Winston?
Thanks.
Lot of bodies in there, man.
B-- bodies?
Like dead bodies?
Happy third f*cking
Saturday in October.
Help! Help!
There's a zombie
in my friend's house!
What the f*ck is goin' on?
As Harding's
undead corpse bleeds out
on Maggie's living room floor,
news of his latest k*lling spree
spreads like brushfire
throughout Hackleburg.
Typically,
this would be front-page news
across the state of Alabama.
Only today is the
third Saturday in October
and breaking news
from Coach Amos Redd's
postgame press conference
quickly takes center stage.
...little bit of emotion.
And I tell you that at the end
of this collegiate
football season
I have decided to retire.
When that uh,
final whistle blows,
I would have coached 25 years
here at the University
of Alabama Mobile
and um--
In that 25 years, I have uh,
been the proud papa
of five national titles and um,
11 Southland Conference
winning teams,
and I am so proud
of every one of 'em.
Now, um, as Sir Isaac Newton
once said...
"If it seems
as I can see further, then--"
And as the Amos Redd
era ends in Mobile.
So, too, does this chapter
of the third Saturday
in October.
The story, however,
has only just begun.
Imma let you handle this.
You have to keep them
separated, okay?
Keep them away from each other!
Just get them upstairs
to surgery now!
Sir. Sir.
Sir, this is Jack Harding.
The man barely has a pulse.
And if you ask me,
we should let this monster die.
Do I look like
Jack Kevorkian to you?
Get this man upstairs,
so I can work my magic.
C'mon,
where's this damn elevator?
Oh, yo, come on, doc, man,
this man is done.
He's already dead,
he's got a Kn*fe in his face!
Don't look at it,
it makes it worse.
Come on!
It's okay, kiddo.
You go take the stairs.
You're gonna need this.
We put a man on the moon,
we can't get a faster elevator.
Come on, come on!
Alright, let's go.
Just get in here, come on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is my defining moment.
What's up
with this damn elevator?
You know, you're handling this
really well for a little girl.
Yeah,
I can deal with conflict.
Well, don't worry.
That bad man's
not gonna hurt anybody else.
He's as good as dead.
Yeah, right.
He'll never be dead.
Moon shining down
Through the cracks
On the shadowy wooden floors
Somewhere in a dream
I'll climb the stairs
With the missing steps
If I fall
I'll just fall in love
With you
The evening
Summer breeze
Met the skin
And made the heart sing
Somewhere in a dream
I'll climb the stairs
With the missing steps
If I fall
I'll just fall in love
With you
And the rain began to fall
In reverse
It's exactly like a dream
Like a dream
And the rain began to fall
In reverse
It's exactly like a dream
Like a dream
And the rain began to fall
In reverse
It's exactly like a dream
Like a dream
And the rain began to fall
In reverse
It's exactly like a dream
Like a dream
And the rain began to fall
Third Saturday in October Part V, The (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3