04x22 - Up and Down the Dial

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "WKRP in Cincinnati". Aired: September 18, 1978 – April 21, 1982.*
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Series about the misadventures of the staff of a struggling fictional radio station in Cincinnati, Ohio.
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04x22 - Up and Down the Dial

Post by bunniefuu »

Morning.

Bailey said you wanted
to see me about something.

You weren't by any chance listening
to my show this morning, were you?

- Oh, yeah.
- I just want to say up front

That I meant no offense
to mr. Carlson's mother.

I wasn't using
"blood-sucker" in a bad way.

All right. All right,
what is so important

That it couldn't wait?

Sit down, herb.

Andy.

- All I know is,
he wanted to see you.
- What's going on, andy?

- Where's mr. Carlson?
- He's busy in his office.

- Napping?
- I'll sit here.

Fine.

All right.

The reason I called
this little meeting...

The reason I called
this little meeting

Is because of the ratings.

That's right... The new book.

We weren't supposed to
get that till next week.

No. No, we got it this morning.

There's gonna be
a lot of changes.

Finito, huh, travis?

Yeah, I've sensed it on
the street for weeks now.

Number six. We came
up to number six!

- Can you believe that?
- Six! Ha!

I knew it was good,
but nothing like this.

How'd the news do?

Can you believe all this? Huh?

What about evening drive time?

You're number three
overall; you're number one

With women 18 to 35.

- How'd the news do?
- Uh, johnny?

- Don't tell me.
- Number one all the way, pal.

- Did you hear that, 'trap?
- Oh, way to go, andy!

- "Andy"? Oh, look at this.
- How did the news do, andy?

I don't have to make
sales calls anymore.

Just hang around here all day,
and the phone will ring off the wall.

- Andy, how did news do?
- Yeah.

Well, les, look. News never does that good
on a top-40 rocker. Don't worry about it.

- Andy?
- Jennifer, I'm number one
with women.

Of course you are.

How would you like to
hug the program director

Of the number-six
station in cinci, huh?

Andy, there is a
man in the lobby

Who says he's been hired
as our new news director.

- What?
- That's what he said.

- Get rid of him.
- Andy...

Come on. That's crazy.
I didn't hire anyone.

- You tell him.
- Who'd he say hired him?

Mama carlson.

Wow! Look what I'm
doing with teenage boys!

♪ Baby, if you've
ever wondered ♪

♪ Wondered whatever
became of me ♪

♪ I'm livin' on the
air in cincinnati ♪

♪ Cincinnati, wkrp ♪

♪ Got kind of tired of
packin' and unpackin' ♪

♪ Town to town, up
and down the dial ♪

♪ Maybe you and me
were never meant to be ♪

♪ Just maybe think
of me once in a while ♪

♪ I'm at wkrp in cincinnati ♪

May I help you?

Oh, yes. Charles von sanker.

Yes, andy travis. I'm
the program director.

Pleasure, mr. Travis.

- Perhaps we should talk
somewhere in private, huh?
- What about your office?

No, right in here.

Mr. Von sanker,
what is this story

I hear about your being
the new news director?

"Story"? I don't understand.

Mrs. Carlson hired you?

That's right. I
start in two weeks.

I flew in early to find a house.

My wife is packing in fargo.

Kids are saying goodbye
to their little chums.

- Not a word?
- No.

- Andy...
- Les, look, I'm kind of
busy right now.

Yes, but this is important.

- Les nessman, news director.
- Oh.

Excuse me a second.
Les, come over here.

What is it, les?

Is it true my news ratings
are sucking canal water?

Les, I never said that.

- That twit herb did.
- He was stupid for saying so.

You said, "don't worry."
I almost have it on tape.

Les, go to my office
and wait for me.

And don't talk to herb anymore.

- Fine.
- Okay.

Good ratings

Didn't get this newsman
where he is today.

Is, uh, he the
fellow I'm replacing?

Well, no one is
replacing anyone just yet.

You want me to tell him?

I think I would like to talk
with mrs. Carlson first.

A charming woman.

Would you tell her I said that?

Mr. Von sanker, why don't you just
go somewhere and wait, all right?

- My hotel?
- I don't care.

Mrs. Carlson was generous
enough to pay for that.

In fact, in my entire life,
I've never met a woman

As honest and kind
and straightforward

As mrs. Lillian carlson.

- Later.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, that poor boy.

♪♪- What do you want, tarlek?

Nothing. I just thought
I'd hang out with you guys.

- Why us?
- Don't you have work to do?

No. You kidding?

Soon as those ratings get out,

My phone will be
ringing off the wall.

Mind if I turn this down?

That's not the speaker.
It's the entire board!

You ought to mark those things.

Hey.

How about if we all
celebrate at lunch?

We'll get everybody, even herb.

I don't think you want to get
too carried away with this.

- Why shouldn't i?
- Trust him. He knows radio.

I'll make the lunch
reservations anyway.

You know, john, you
really ought to enjoy this.

Sure as hell can't last.

Coming out, herb.- ♪♪

You're in the way.

No problemo.

All right, fellow babies.

The rock and roll clinic
is open for business.

So it's time for your
morning physical.

Get on your dancin' shoes
and take those clothes off.

And for those of you
who are ladies listening in,

Be not ashamed... I am a doctor.

You're nutty as a bug, john!

That went out over the air.

What are you doing
in here, tarlek?

I just want to join
in the festive mood.

Don't you guys
want to pal around?

Les, don't be silly!

Les... Les, no one
is ready to grind

What's left of your miserable
career into fertilizer.

Andy, would you tell les

He has nothing to worry about?

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Would you tell
him his job is safe?

- Yeah, your job is safe.
- Would you swear to him

That there is not a conspiracy to
replace him with a real newsman?

Your job is safe.

Feel better?

Okay, we've got the party room
at the crick at noon. Be there?

- Mm-hmm.
- Good.

Hey, why didn't somebody
wake me? This is great news.

- We're number six.
- If we were at the bottom,
nobody'd be tiptoeing around.

If it's bad news, somebody
always wakes me.

Mr. Carlson, wait until
you see the new book.

Yeah, well, that's
what I'm here for.

- They keep it
in the deejay booth.
- You see?

Everybody's seen
that sucker but me.

Mr. Carlson, I'm sorry.
Even if there's a chance

Of good news from now
on, you'll be awakened.

Fine.

But only if you're really sure.

Mrs. Carlson: hirsch!

- Yes, madam.
- Answer the damn door!

On the double, madam.

Do I have to let
mr. Travis in myself?

- Good afternoon, mr. Travis.
- Why, thank you, hirsch.

- How are you?
- Oh, I can't complain.

Madam will be down
when she's good and ready.

- Might I get you something?
- Oh, no. No, thank you, hirsch.

Ah. Then I'll return
to my chores.

- Oh, he did let you in.
- Mrs. Carlson.

You said something
about a major problem?

- Oh, yes, ma'am.
- What's my son done this time?

No, it's not your son. No.

- Tarlek.
- No, ma'am. Charles von sanker.

Oh, dear.

Yes. He walked into the
station this afternoon

And announced he was
the new news director,

And that was news to me.

I'm sorry, andrew.

You were eventually
going to tell me, right?

Look, this is a very
difficult decision for me.

What is this,
dictator's remorse?

I had planned to discuss
this with you next week.

Let's discuss it now. Can you give me
three reasons why les should be fired?

Yes, he's incompetent,
unprofessional, and very weird.

Well, yeah.

- I don't plan to fire les.
- You don't?

I want to show you something.

Are you familiar with

Sackler, selman, and cardone?

Yes, they're a bunch of
programming consultants.

A very expensive bunch

Of programming consultants.

665 Pages on the
cincinnati market

And wkrp's place in it.

So it's a thick book?

Would you care to
read the last paragraph

Of the recommendations chapter?

No, I would not.

Well, then, I'll read it.

"Wkrp's top-40
audience is at its peak.

"The sound quality
of the a.m. Signal

"Cannot compete
with f.m. Stations.

"If wkrp is to remain
profitable in the long run,

"We recommend changing
to a non-music format:

All-news."

"All-news"?

Well, i-i don't know
the first thing

About programming
an all-news station.

That's why I hired
mr. Von sanker.

All-news. All-news.

That is the most
ridiculous thing I've heard

Since herb tarlek's
"dancing duck" promotion.

Does this book
say that cincinnati

Already has an all-news station?

Look, we'll be losing
money the first 18 months.

We're finally making
some profit here.

We just got the ratings book.

- We're number six.
- It doesn't matter.

This does not make any sense.

We're finally making
some money here.

With news, I can make more.

By turning the station
over to charles von sanker?

What does he got
besides adenoids?

He comes very
highly recommended.

- From where?
- Fargo.

F-fargo? From fargo?

Yes. And where
did I hire you from?

From santa fe.

What? It's one of
the top... 70 Markets

In the united states of america.

Are you through?

Well, you tell me.

Here he is.

You missed quite a celebration,

And the best part is, herb
got stuck with the bill.

There's our guest of honor.

- Where the hell you been?
- It was great, andy.

Even johnny toasted
old lady carlson.

"To the gracious blood-sucker."

I expect $22.53
from each of you.

Andy, you don't have to pay.

- Herb, here's my money.
- Thanks, les.

May I say something to everyone? I
just got back from mrs. Carlson's.

It seems to be over.
Starting next week,

She wants to change the format.

Next week, no
more rock and roll.

You're putting us on. Come on.

No, I'm not. I wish I was.

It's a business decision.

Wait-wait a minute.

How does this affect me?

What kind of format?

24 Hours a day, you have news.

Ooh!

I'm supposed to tell everybody
that you're welcome to stay

And be a part of the new wkrp,

The information station.

There's jobs for all of you.

Andy, can't we do anything?

Yeah, let's walk.
Let's shut 'er down.

I already told her if we didn't
do things my way, I was gone.

And?

All right, what did I miss?

♪♪

Ah.

Yo.

It's 7:30 p.m. Here,
my children.

This is venus on krp...

For a while, at least.

So did she say how
much profit is enough?

She just kept tapping this thick
book as though it had all the answers.

Statistics, right?

I don't trust 'em.

Statistically speaking,

Anybody who has led
the kind of life that I had

Should look completely wasted.

So there is money in news. I
don't want any part of that.

No, no money. She ain't
gonna make any money

At least for the
first couple of years.

Come on. She's
gonna lose her skirt.

I'll tell you another statistic.

Did you know supposedly

Three out of four
teenagers in america today

Think that chuck berry was
the host of the gong show?

- Hi, guys.
- A.c.

Uh, andy,

I just had a little
talk with mother.

Ooh. Here you go.

Oh... No, no, thanks.

- So I'm still gone, huh?
- Well, no, not exactly.

Mother would like for you to stay on
as a public relations director at krp.

- You're kidding.
- Why not a choice assignment,
like krp's traffic reporter?

Venus has got that job.

Only during the rush hour.

Mama's not trying to hurt
us. Wants you to know that.

Just wants us to be number
one. And what's wrong with that?

I hate traffic!

She just wants us to
be up there at the top.

If mother's said to me once,
she's said to me a dozen times,

"Arthur, I want you to
be the general manager

Of the number-one
radio station in this city."

So you're leaving too, huh?

Look, travis, being number one

Is the american way.

- Look at our bengals,
for example. Huh?
- Lost the super bowl.

Well, yeah, but you see,

Football's still the number-one
spectator sport in the world.

Nuh-uh. Soccer.

- "S-soccer"?
- Soccer.

Were you this effective
with your mother?

Look, I'm just trying
to make a point, fever.

Well, so am i. Excuse me.

I...

Ah.

I'll get it.

No need for you to be disturbed.

Mrs. Carlson: what?

No, no, no. Madam does
not believe in handouts. No.

No, no, just tell her johnny
fever dropped by for a little chat.

Johnny fever.

You're the deejay
who's caused her

So much discomfort
over the years.

Please make
yourself comfortable.

You must be... The houseboy.

I'll interrupt madam's
meditation on the veranda.

It is "doctor johnny fever"?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Madam, your physician is here.

Dr. Tyler, how nice.

Fever.

Mrs. Carlson.

I, uh, just happened to be on
the wrong side of the tracks

And thought I'd drop by.

If you're here to make the
humanitarian appeal, forget it.

- Travis b*at you to it.
- No, I'd never try
that with you.

- Good night, dr. Fever.
- I don't intend to leave until
I've said what's on my mind.

What mind?

Okay, till you're
ready to listen,

I'll just stretch out
here on the coffee table.

- Very prone.
- I'll fire you.

Oh, come on. I've been fired by

Some of the best
people in radio.

- Okay. Make it short.
- Well...

And get off my table.

Well, uh, just by way
of an icebreaker, i...

I realize that changing
formats was a business decision.

- That's right.
- You didn't do it
to hurt anybody.

- That's right.
- Probably the furthest
thing from your mind

- Was the people
who work for you.
- You're pushing it.

You're not a vicious crone
with a twisted desire for money.

Now, hold it.

Every employee of wkrp

Will be offered a job
with the new format.

Nobody gets hurt. Now,
I didn't have to do that.

Oh, come on.

How long do you think any of
us are gonna last at those jobs?

If you're an announcer,
you can announce.

I'm not like a real
news jockey, you know?

If you want this news
thing to work, we're gone.

If that extra profit is
all that counts to you...

The profit is not
all that counts.

You feel okay?

It's not quite that simple.

Profit and loss are
merely theoretical terms

In a diversified conglomerate
like carlson industries.

It's not the plus
and minus, mr. Fever.

It's the plus and plus, if...

The minuses are
played correctly.

You don't understand,
and I don't expect you to.

No, no. I understand.

Believe me, this is
so deeply warped,

Even I get it.

Krp is not supposed
to make money.

That's the deal. We're set
up to lose, but we didn't.

And that's why you're
changing the format...

So you can lose money
for two more years.

Good night.

You are telling your own son

That you want him to
be the general manager

Of the number-one
station in the market,

And you'd be
happier if it was 16th.

How do you think
he'd feel if he knew?

A very interesting
turn, don't you think?

Mr. Carlson: hirsch,
is she here?

Mama, I got andy and ven...

Oh, they're out in the car.

I was trying to explain what you
told me about being the best, and, uh...

Fever, what are you doing here?

Just chatting. Uh...

- Your mother has
high hopes for krp.
- Being number one.

- Not quite.
- Fever...

Oh, was our little
conversation confidential?

Uh... I don't believe
I'm following this.

Are you threatening me?

Oh, no. Heck, no, boy.

I'll tell you something, a.c.

Your mother does not
want you or wkrp to...

All right, fever,
that's quite enough.

W-would somebody, uh,

Like to explain something to me?

I'm a pretty good listener.

Arthur, I want you

To keep krp just the way it is.

Number six?

No.

- The format.
- Oh.

Well, what about
the american way?

Wait a minute, ace.

I think your mother is
saying she believes in you.

Am I right, mrs. Carlson?

Right.

A mother's love.

Boy, I'll tell you.

It's just...

It's deeply moving to
see something like this.

Johnny: what are
you guys doing here?

- No, I'm getting out of here.
- We're gonna straighten
this whole thing out.

Come on. Okay.

Oh, uh... Mrs. Carlson,

I'm tired of your crud.

Yeah.

I got four things

That I want to say to you.

Tr-travis, uh... Number two...

You know, mommy,

I don't think we've all got the chance
to get together like this before.

Andy: oh, bailey...
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

You're gonna go to
heaven for that, bailey.

Les... What's going on?

Hey, guys, thank
you very much for

Turning mrs. Carlson
around for me.

Not yet. I can't find venus.

It's time!

- Andy: what's going on?
- All: surprise!

Oh, andy, you nut.

You skipped out on
your party last night,

But we got you now.
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