01x20 - Ranch on the Side/King Cloud vs. Smogzilla

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Middlemost Post". Aired: July 9, 2021 – present.*
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Parker J. Cloud, a former raincloud, their friend Angus, and pet walrus Russell deliver mail all across Mount Middlemost.
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01x20 - Ranch on the Side/King Cloud vs. Smogzilla

Post by bunniefuu »

- * Once there was a captain *

* He was a serious dude *

* Well he crashed into a mountain *

* Man it lightened the mood *

* Speaking of lightening the mood *

* Speaking of thunderous joy *

* In comes Parker J, a raincloud *

* Looking for new employ *

* The beardful captain said, "Hey!" *

* The cheerful raincloud said, "Hi!" *

* They started working together *

* What a magical sight *

* The Middlemost Post, ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh *

* The Middlemost Post *

* Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh *

[mellow reggae music]

* *

- Hot toast coming up for the hardest working

post office on Mt. Middlemost.

- Well, technically, we're the only post office.

- Ah, don't overthink it, big guy.

- Right. - Enjoy.

- Russell, ketchup please.

Mm, ketchup,

oh, how I love you so much.

[grunting]

I don't want to alarm anyone, but we are out of ketchup!

- Calm down, kiddo.

Ketchup is not the only condiment, you know?

- Oh, really?

So there's other magical sauces that make

everything taste even more awesome than they already are?

- Well, there's always ranch.

- What is this ranch you speak of?

- [burps] [fanfare]

[sniffing]

- Tangy, sweet, and creamy.

Now, am I detecting notes of dill?

- Probably.

- Whoo-hoo! [laughs]

Whoo, ranch!

I am off to the moon!

Yip!

- Uh, Parker, Parker?

- Oh, my ranch.

Where have you been all my life?

I have to try you on everything.

[upbeat music]

* *

[crystals crunching]

- Ow.

- Sorry, Gordy, but you taste delicious with ranch.

Everything tastes delicious with ranch.

- I do taste delicious.

Hello? A little help, please!

- Yup, great on that.

Great on that. Ooh!

Really great on that.

Oh, I just want to guzzle it.

- Okay, we get it. You like ranch.

- Like ranch? [laughs]

No, I love ranch!

I don't know how I've lived this long without you, ranch.

- If you love ranch so much, why don't you marry it?

[laughs]

[tires screech]

- And do you, Parker J. Cloud,

take ranch to be your lawfully-wedded sauce

to drench and to slather

for as long as you both shall live?

- I do.

- Okay, man. Nice.

I now pronounce you cloud and ranch, man.

Yeah, now go ahead and kiss, man.

- If it's okay, I'd rather dip.

[sighs]

- I almost forgot.

As a part of the newlywed package,

you get a free private tour of Old Stinkhole.

That's pretty nice, man.

- [gasps, laughs]

Marriage is the best!

Look out, everyone, honeymooners coming through.

- Huh?

[mellow reggae music]

* *

- Lovey dovey, want something to drink?

Don't worry, babe. I got you.

BRB.

Huh, what was that?

You're gonna miss me? Well, I'm gonna miss you more.

No! I'll miss you more.

Nuh-uh, nope, I'll miss you more.

Yes, I will.

[smooching]

[slurping]

- [sighs] Yeah, yup, yup.

- Oh, hey, Terry.

Guess what? I got married.

- I see that.

- Yeah, it's pretty exciting.

- Sure, at first.

- What do you mean?

- I've seen couples like you before, kid.

When it starts out, it's all sunshine and rainbows.

Everything is new and fun.

- Yeah, yeah, it is.

- That rainbow fades away.

- [gasps] No.

- Conversations become one-sided.

Your new love will get jealous

when you try to connect with old friends.

And before you know it, the relationship will sour

and love will stink.

- No offense, Terry, but how would you know?

- I know because it happened to me.

Once upon a time, I fell madly in love with hot sauce.

Ooh-eee, it was a spicy good time.

Until it wasn't.

[kettle whistles, alarm rings]

[flatulence]

- That's you and hot sauce, Ter.

That won't be me and Ranch. Our love is forever.

Thanks for the chat.

* La-da-da-da *

- Don't say I didn't warn ya, kid.

[upbeat music]

[bell rings] - Yay!

[cheering]

* *

[bell rings] Yeah!

[smooching]

I love you, Ranch.

* *

- Is this your card? - [gasps]

How did you know?

[laughs]

- [screams]

[all screaming]

- Whoo-hoo!

* *

[bell rings] Yay!

* *

Whoo-hoo!

Wah-hoo!

* *

I'll have some steak, some fries,

some chicken wings, a little ketchup.

[dramatic music]

Oh, hey, hey, no, no.

Just an old friend. I'll put it back.

[chuckles] I don't need it.

[groans]

[bell rings] Yay.

[upbeat dance music]

[air horn blares]

Whoo-hoo! Put your clouds in the air.

[whoops]

* *

Come on, honey, dance with me.

DJ General Beats is absolutely k*lling it.

* *

No? You're just going to sit there?

Fine, no, no, no. No, I'll sit with you.

[sirens blare, crowd cheering]

- Oh, do I feel bad for anyone who's not dancing right now.

- [groans]

[game chimes]

[fly buzzes]

So what do you want to do now?

I'm good with whatever.

Kind of feel like I've been doing all the talking lately.

Is this about ketchup?

I told you ketchup means nothing to me.

[groans] I need to get some air.

No, that wasn't a dig at you. You smell fine.

I just need a moment to clear my head.

That's all. I'll be back, I promise.

[sighs]

- Hey, man, how's the honeymoon?

[slurping]

- You were right, Terry, about everything.

My relationship with Ranch has started to stink.

- I'd love to say, "I told you so."

I told you so.

- How do I get out of this, Terry?

- Relationships are hard.

The good news is, getting out of them is easy.

- Really? - Sure.

All you have to do is ghost them.

- Ghost them? Like turn them into a ghost?

Wouldn't they come back and haunt you?

- No, man, ghosting means

you never talk to or see them ever again.

Poof! You just disappear.

- But wouldn't that make them feel really, really bad?

- I don't know, that's the beauty of ghosting.

- I couldn't do that to Ranch.

We've shared too many memories together.

- Your call, kid. Oh, if you'll excuse me.

I got myself a little sweet chipotle sauce to chat up.

- Phew! It's a real scorcher out, huh?

[sighs] [groans]

- You two love birds enjoying

your private tour of Old Stinkhole?

- It's okay. - I know.

Once you take a real close look,

you realize there's not much to it.

- So true. So true.

- Okay, well, I'll leave you two be.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. [chokes]

- Ranch, there's something I need to tell you.

Don't you dare start crying

'cause if you cry then I'll cry.

Boy, this is really hard to do.

Terry said that I should ghost you but that felt wrong

and I'm still not totally positive

I even know what ghosting is.

Come on, Parker, just say it.

Rip the Band-Aid off. Speak your truth.

Ranch, I think you're great. I really do,

but I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage.

[stomach gurgles]

It makes my stomach hurt, like I ate something bad

and I don't want to do it anymore.

It's too much pressure.

[explodes]

- [groans]

- Whoa. - Ow.

- [growls]

- Phew, you feel the same way.

See, that's why I love you, Ranch, you get me.

And you taste great on everything.

- [squeaking]

- Hey, Parker, you're just in time for dinner.

Cheeseburgers and fries, a la Angus.

- Thanks, Angus. - Ooh, almost forgot.

I know how much you love ranch, kiddo.

- Not anymore, Angus. Not anymore.

- [groans] - Oh, okay then, more for me.

How about some ketchup instead?

- [gasps] I love ketchup.

How I've missed you.

Come on, there's so many things I can't wait to squirt you on.

Whoo-hoo! [horse whinnies]

- So you got any ranch?

[dramatic music]

* *

- Ryan, how long have I been complaining about

that stupid, stupid ship

and its stupid, stupid shadow freezing us out?

- Well, ever since the ship

crashed on Mt. Middlemost, sir.

- Well, today we freeze no more.

Behold!

Well, don't just stand there, pull the curtain off.

- Sorry, sir.

I didn't know I was a part of this.

- [clears throat] Behold!

The Fireplace .

People are saying it's the future of heat delivery.

- Wow, it's very large, sir.

- Yeah, no duh.

Now let's fire this bad boy up.

To never freezing our tuchuses off again.

- And to good friends who will always--

- The toast is over, Ryan. It's over.

* *

- [humming]

- Sorry to bother you, sir.

I kind of discovered something about--

But, uh, according to the manual,

it kind of says we're not supposed

to leave the fireplace unattended.

- So we didn't.

- Uh...

[doorbell rings]

- [groans]

both: [giggle]

- Okay, maybe we did.

What's the worst that could happen?

- Uh, says here in the manual, "If the fire is left unattended

"a giant, toxic cloud monster might form."

- The key word there is "might," Ryan.

Might, and I seriously doubt...

[screams]

Get rid of the fireplace, Ryan. - On it, sir.

- Oh, boy, what's going on?

This is pretty scary. I don't like...

- What do you think's going on, Angus?

- I don't know, kiddo,

but something in the air just doesn't feel right.

- Might be that big smoke cloud

that wasn't here yesterday but is now.

[ominous music]

- Mm, could be.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Reggie. Where's everyone going?

- To the town hall meeting. It's about that thing up there.

- Ooh, a town hall? Sounds fun.

I want to go.

- Parker, we have a job to do. You know the creed.

Neither rain nor sleet nor a weird smoke cloud

that wasn't here yesterday but is now

will stop us from delivering the mail.

[trumpets sound]

Ah, I should've skipped the creed.

- Well, where'd it come from?

- Oh, who's to say?

It doesn't really matter who caused it.

Seems like a waste of time to find out.

- Looks toxic. - No, no, no, it's not toxic.

It's simply a smoke cloud, people.

- Oh contraire, monfrair.

I grabbed a long stick

and stuck it up that there cloud.

- Why would you do that?

- This is all that's left of the stick, my dudes.

all: [gasps]

- Still doesn't change the fact

that it'll blow away on its own.

- How do you know? - You're k*lling me, Brad.

All clouds blow away. That's how clouds work.

- Not all of them.

I mean, I blew in, and I never blew out.

Why would anyone leave Mt. Middlemost?

- Oh, toast. What if it never leaves?

Who will want to buy toxic toast?

- I'd buy it.

[angry shouting]

- Maybe PJC can talk to it,

cloud to cloud, ask it to leave?

[indistinct dialogue]

- Okay, okay, settle down.

I don't think it's a good idea for my little nimbus--

- Too late, Angus.

- Hi, I'm Parker J. Cloud.

First of all, welcome. Always nice to see new faces.

[glass breaks, man screams]

Second of all, you're kind of

freaking everyone out down there.

[grumbling and screaming]

- Oh, psh, I didn't mean to scare anyone.

- Oh, I know. I totally get ya.

But if you could just maybe blow on

down the mountain a ways,

I think everyone would think that was a pretty cool move.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Awesome. Thanks for understanding.

- Parker.

- How was your conversation with the toxic cloud?

- Oh, it went great. We had a real nice chat.

Super chill cloud.

Says he'll leave, no problem.

[relieved chatter] - Thank goodness.

- See, it's all good, people. Told you.

- I'm proud of you, Parker.

- He said he'd leave!

I thought I was being helpful, and I didn't help anything!

- It's okay, Parker, you tried.

Like the mayor said, it'll probably blow away on its own.

Let's just let it be.

[bell dings] - [coughs]

all: [coughing] - Man, that's right.

- You said it would leave, Parker.

- My tenderloins. - [screams]

- Bro, it stinks, bro. You made it worse, bro.

- I didn't mean to, bro, honest.

- Can't trust a cloud, man.

- Yes, you can. [groans]

It's not fair, Lily.

I told the cloud he was scaring everyone

and he said he'd leave, but he didn't.

Now everyone's blaming me.

- Don't worry, Parker, I thought of the perfect way

to get rid of that toxic smoke cloud.

- Ah, gee, I don't know.

I mean, what if someone blasted me with a laser

when I was a raincloud raining on people?

- If it was my laser,

you would be bite-sized cloud bits.

- Let me talk to him one more time.

This might call for a little tough love.

[clears throat] Hey, yo!

What's up? How come you didn't leave?

- I didn't feel like it.

- Didn't feel like it? Listen, I get it, man.

I was once just like you. I was born a raincloud.

People wanted me to leave all the time.

I mean, I really got on everyone's nerves.

- Huh, you don't say.

- But people no longer yell and scream at me

for raining on them.

I changed, and so can you.

- That so? How?

- It's simple.

First you got to leave here, given.

Second, look for an awesome mountain to live on.

Third, find an Angus and Russell.

The rest figures itself out.

I love you guys.

- Okay, I'll try that.

- Awesome. You won't regret it.

- Thanks for keeping it real, cloud.

- Lily, my tough love worked. He's gonna leave.

[screams]

- [laughs]

- Lily, fire up that laser.

Oh, no! You got to fix it!

[all screaming]

- It's melting my pumpkins.

- Okay, that's it!

No more Parker J. Nice Cloud!

- [laughs]

- I demand you stop this right now!

You're hurting my friends.

- No, I'm not. [people screaming]

- You've got a lying problem, mister.

- Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

You going to fight me

in that little rainbow unitard of yours?

- Yeah, maybe.

[groans] - [laughs]

Yeah, take your best sh*t, kid. I dare you.

[laughs]

- You messed with the wrong raincloud.

Here comes the rain! [thunder rolls]

- [laughs]

- What in the world is the little nimbus doing?

- [growls] [thunder rolls]

[screams]

[all screaming]

- [groans]

[burps]

- [screams]

- Oh, no. Parker!

- [groans]

- You're in over your head, kid.

[laughs]

[groans]

- Whoa, you see that, Russell?

That little nimbus packs a mean punch.

Go get him, Parker. - [barking]

- Hold on, Russell!

- [groans]

- [sighs] What's happening?

Oh, right, our little nimbus is in trouble.

- What's going on? - I'm scared.

[lightning crackles]

- [laughs] - [groans]

- You got this, Parker. We believe in you.

- [horse whinnies]

- The kid's got this, right, Russell?

- [laughs]

- Please just leave Mt. Middlemost alone.

I don't want to hurt you.

- Ha, you'll have to try harder than that to hurt me.

- [groans] - [laughs]

[groans]

- [screams]

- No!

- What is happening? - [laughs]

Say goodbye to your happy, little cloud friend.

I'm your cloud now!

[laughs]

[all screaming]

- Parker? - [growls]

- What? You're still here?

- [groans]

- What's happening? Ow!

[high-pitched voice] Stop that! Knock it off!

[groans]

Uh-oh.

- I told you to

leave!

- [screams]

- [panting] - Uh, Parker?

[thunder booms] Hey there, kiddo.

- I never wanted to be like this again, Angus.

I'm sorry.

- Sorry? Nonsense.

You did good.

- I did?

- Yeah, you betcha. Listen, you hear that?

[all cheering] - Way to go, Parker.

- You saved the city. - See?

You made a whole lot of people happy today,

including me.

[upbeat music]

[grunts]

- That cloud was a jerk, Angus.

- He sure was.

Pretty smelly, too, huh? - He smelled the worst.

[laughter]

- Well, that was stupid.

- [sighs] Agreed, sir.

- Nothing's changed.

We're right back where we started.

- Yes, but we'll always have that beautiful,

warm night we shared in front of the--

- It's over, Ryan. It's over.
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